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it got bad once again.. im so tired

I have had so many different types of unpleasant and unwanted thoughts and I believe the worst of them all started in 2019, I'm only 16 and I know a lot of people on here are adults, but I was around 10 or 11 when I started getting my first fears in my brain or like the worst of them, because even when I was around 5-8 and and maybe even beyond that I used to question if bad things were going ti happen to me because I saw bad things happening to other people on the TV. Anyways, 2019 I remember coming home from a place and it was fine when I was there but when I came home I had the thought of "what if I was still there" I shouldn't really bring it up because if I've feared it before I feel I'll trigger myself to fear it again 😭 but yeah, I'm not fully sure how long it lasted but I believe it was months and had the thought about different places I had been, basiy my mind was trying to make me think and feel these unpleasant thoughts, and even thinking of them as of right now isn't the best lol, but I just wanted to talk about all the different intrusive thoughts I have had are. After that one went, I believe I was okay, at the end of 2020, literally on the new year, I started spiralling so bad, I was 12 I believe, and I was putting on all my social media stories "happy new year" even like days after because I felt the need to keep doing it, or my brain would tell me "it's not 2021 if you don't do this" like blah blah blah, and it all started first because I was anxious and that "I had to" post "happy new year everywhere" unless it wasn't the new year, I basically went crazy with it, and it lasted a while, until the 21st because I was like yeah 21 is now a lucky number because of 2021, but I literally went to the extreme of messaging everybody it basically everywhere even days after, probably the worst one I've had but yeah 😭 After that I was fine for the whole year, 2021 was really good for me, and then maybe around the start of the next year I started a new obsession and anxiety literally based off of anxiety and I had no idea why it was sticking around, and I'm glad I know now. In 2022 some girl was rude to me or something and I probably cried 2 hours straight afterwards because of it and she wasn't aware, but teachers helped but yeah whatever, few days after or soon I was fine and didn't think about it much or at all, and then one day when I'm in the car coming home from somewhere aswell my brother starts talking to me about school and how somebody else said "they don't associate with me" like I honestly had no idea why they all turned 2 faced to me because I never did or said anything wrong but yeah 😭 but that brought up that other memory of what a different girl had said to me and I started worrying about that because I was like "oohhhh I just forgot about that" and then I'm not sure if it picked up slowly or fast, but regardless, that person's name was stuck in my mind and ruminating around my mind for months, I was anxious whenever I thought about it so it kept coming back, I genuinely think my brain got so tired and annoyed it just gave up in the end, but that's just proof that your mind can worrying about literally anything, like anything. After that was over, 2023, last year now I only had mild usual OCD unless I actually had an OCD that I never knew I had to do with relationships. I'll keep it brief because I know this has already been long, but I like my friend who was a boy and let's just say he didn't like me back, I would gaslight and convince myself that he did even when he was just being friendly, even tho sometimes I felt like his other friends wouldn't be doing certain things we do, but yeah, I used to worry about what he was doing with who and would get so jealous to the point where I was literally thinking or unaliving the other people who he would talk to or hang out with, and I had lost people who were my friends before because I got too jealous, I stopped talking to him tho because it was getting absolutely nowhere and he started acting weird and hanging out with people who don't like me because I wasn't speaking to the other people, so I basically just left, but I don't have to see him anymore anyways, we had good times tho, but yeah if someone has got this far and you know, tell me if you think or know that that's an OCD too, like relationship OCD or something. Now 2024, I would say it's kinda been everywhere, but the start of the year has been good and only recently it's been affecting me bad again, since June, after I had finished my exams, I thought to myself on the night of me finishing my exams "ahhh~ I don't have to worry about anything anymore" and it was like 3 and a half months break aswell, so I was like over the moon, and guess what, my brain starts to think and worry again. There has been so many topics this year but I'll express the main ones. It's basically been my brain to worry about anything I can, anything that is possible. So the first one that made me loose my mind and panic for days and also make me loose sleep was one about a person again, also a person that I have never associated myself with I had literally just seen them and thought that I didn't want to think about that and then I did basically and spiralled bad, anyways next one after that was about just being super or hyper aware like "think everytime to see a colour or a shape or focus on your breathing or blinking" stuff like that, stuff I couldn't avoid basically, they didn't get too bad but you get what I mean hopefully lol, and now this one that has been new, about numbers and rituals, they were more manageable and quick to "end" aswell, but the one I have of current is long because it's like worry that I keep doing more, like to be real, I simply do not care for any of the thoughts I have but I just feel I do, it's seriously just the anxiety tho, because earlier my mind cleared for a brief moment and I was looking and thinking about the situation with no judgement and being like, yup, kind of like thinking about it as it happened ages ago and that I wouldn't go back to it kind of feeling, but yeah I think it wants to stay maybe a little longer, but no panic attacks today, that's all I can say. Also anyone who has read the whole thing, my heart goes out to you, if you are panicking right now, I've been there, it sucks I know, but you will find peace eventually. If anyone relates or has anything similar to share that would be great to hear, and any advice too, even tho I'm fully aware of all techniques my brain isn't getting the hint 😭 But yes thank you for reading it all if you have gotten this far, here is a cookie ->🍪 Byyeeee I love youuu, remember you are capable of doing so much and I am here for you 🫶🏻🩷

Does anyone have any coping mechanisms for helping to relieve guilt from things I have done in my past that I don’t like that I did?

I genuinely feel like this is the worst my ocd has ever been. I logically have no reason I’d want to harm myself. Great family, friends, job, low expenses at the moment. Not going through a loss. Feels like all day my brain is kicking the shit out of me telling me I need to kill myself or I should. Intrusive feelings and urges galore. Also so wrapped up in it that I’m unsure if it’s ocd or my own thoughts / I want them or not. Normally I’m the guy terrified to get on a plane because I’m afraid of death so this simultaneously makes no sense but also feels so real?? It feels like this is my fate now or something Any insight welcome

Hello peeps! So for the past like 3 weeks I was struggling with SO-OCD where I was worried if I was gay or maybe Bi and so on. ( female) And I always thought I was straight or was straight but then the thoughts would come up and stress me out if i was either gay or bi. And the thoughts would stress me out and make me think a lot. I have a bf too for 6 years so as you can tell it caused quite a struggle in our relationship. Also been dealing with Relationship ocd as well which I feel like SO-OCD go hand in hand, in my opinion. It happened 2 Years ago too but this time it's just more intense I guess? So my question is, this past week I feel like I've been doing better, more okay than I was the last 3 weeks. But now I guess when I think about these thoughts or if I look at a female or see one I still kinda get what if thoughts or I do a compulsion and try to test myself if I would get with one and stuff. But now it doesn't bother that much. It's kinda like oh? Idk how to explain it but it doesn't give me that anxiety spike, at least rn. Sometimes it feels like my brain has accepted that I would? But like I can't tell if that's ocd or me actually being in denial still. It's hard to explain. But the other day I was at the book store with my bf and we were looking at the manga section and I saw a girl on one of the covers and it felt like I reaacted to her as a crush type deal? But I've always liked guys so it's confusing. I tried not to think too hard about it this week. But I do feel like if I see a attractive guy now or even a fictional one. It feels like my brain wants to skip passed it because it's not a girl so it's like "you can't look at a guy rn" Lmaooooo it sounds dumb but that's what it feels like 😂 Or sometimes I would think oh maybe I would get with one( a female)? And usually that line or thought would stress me out so much for the past 3 weeks. And now it's more like okay, maybe I would? But idkk??? So I guess my question is, is this like another ocd trick or is it me just like tired of the thoughts that my brain was like I need a break haha? Or could possibly mean I'm gay or straight just I'm denial or won't come out?? It's confusing I guess. I'm also in a relationship for years and I've been struggling with the thoughts cause obviously It causes a toll in our relationship. But now I just worry what if we're not compatible or like maybe I'm in denial? Like especially since the SO-OCD theme popped up it just makes me feel like what if I'm im the wrong relationship? It's just been tough cause it caused a dent in our relationship. Just relationship ocd things. He's been trying really hard to keep it together and not worry but I feel like I lost feelings for him due to all this worrying. I just get unsure what to feel or think now and days. ( ocd sucks lmfao) But I just wanted to know if someone has gone through something similar, if you are straight but had all these SO-OCD thoughts come and how did you face them? Also when I had harm ocd for a year, I literally did my best to avoid my bf cause I thought I'd hurt him cause I loved him so much you know? So this whole Relationship OCD and SO-OCD theme is annoying. I mean I hope it's SO-OCD and I'm not in denial but idk???? Ughshshhshhsgsggsgg. I have clinical depression too so it's even more confusing cause I be feeling emtionally numb sometimes so it adds more confusion haha 😎 I also just wanted to vent as well haha. Thanks for whoever took the time to read and whatnot! If you have any questions to ask me regarding what I said, I'm willing to answer too haha

Hi friends! I am someone who struggles with general OCD but have recently come to question if it is more specific to my relationship(s). In my heart, I feel that I am currently in the most loving, fulfilling and safe relationship that I have ever been in but lately things have been rocky. I find myself questioning a lot. Examples being: Is he really the one for me? What if I am missing out on something even better? Am I actually happy or am I lying to myself? Is this relationship doomed/am I doomed to be miserable in the future due to our age difference (met at 25 & 32, currently 27 & 35) I find myself trying to pick him apart more often than not lately, almost as though I am looking for something to fixate on in attempt to reassure myself of some of my already negative thoughts? I’m just curious if anyone out there that struggles with ROCD finds any similarities to the thoughts I am having? Sending love!

hi everyone I’ve been dealing with the loss of my sweet cat Oz and it’s really been weighing me down for the past two months since it happened. It was a very sudden death and it’s really made my whole world spin upside down and put me into a really bad place. Does anyone have similar experiences they’d like to share? I feel very alone right now and I know that this is apart of life so if you have anything you want to add I’d appreciate it. ♥️

ROCD has been present from the very start of my relationship, so I was very iffy even though I knew he was the type of person I wanted to marry ever since I met him. I knew he was a good and honest guy, but the lack of butterflies freaked me out and I went into panic. I know I am attracted to him and have moments of attraction but haven’t had an extended honeymoon phase. Can any of you relate?

I’m spiralling this week. My mind feels like a catalogue flicking through chapters of my life and finding bits to pick on. I’m doubting lots of different actions or events over the years and worrying if these mean I’m a terrible person. I know this is ocd but the fact they actually happened is making it really really hard to deal with. Can’t wait for this episode to pass but already scared for the next flare up as this is happening more often. Any advice welcome 🙏

how are people dealing with confessional ocd in relationships? hope everyone’s okay and slaying as much as they can ♥️

Hello everyone. So, basically every time I feel any kind of peace/pleasure (simple ones, like hmm today I’m enjoying a song, I felt good with my sleep, etc) my ocd tries to convince me something is wrong and then I get anxious because I was feeling good. It’s so messed up. Anyone been through this?

Im a father who loves my family and child and wouldnt do anything to hurt them. I had to change the diaper and I saw an area that needed to be wiped on the leg but got anxious. I slightly moved my hand to wipe my hand was out away from my body and my child. I had the thought to grab the towel and wipe to be clean. But i got anxious so my hand moved and then i pulled my hand away. I didnt go toward the towel my hand moved near my child but was far away. Ocd says i was going to do something bad but i know thats not who I am. And i know my therapist said my mind can involuntarily send signals due to anxiety to make me move my hand as a false alarm and then i pull my hand away obviously because i have no intention of doing anything bad. Ocd just still makes me feel guilty and like i was going to do something. But i know thats not who I am.

I’ve completed 11 sessions so far and I can honestly see progress. I’m not back to my “normal” self but I’m gaining parts of my life and my personality back. I never knew I had OCD. I always attributed things to anxiety. Being diagnosed let me know I’m not alone, I’m not crazy, and that there’s help for me. I have a long list of OCD subtypes. As you can imagine, the thoughts and images in my head were extremely distressing and I was concerned for my quality of life and my sanity. 11 sessions in and I’m able to watch shows and movies without being scared I’ll see a trigger, I can practice exposures and navigate through my obsessions better, and I’m finding joy in the little moments in life. I used to avoid so many things and people because I was scared I’d have intrusive thoughts. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts every single day. Some days and even weeks are bad and I struggle more than usual. I have mood swings, extreme irritability, and even sometimes experiencing depersonalization. Sometimes I just plain out feel uncomfortable and weird. But like my therapist said, progress is not linear. I’m learning to count my wins instead of always counting my losses. I’m learning to enjoy the little bits of life that are ok, and I feel proud when I get through hard moments. I’m excited for the future. I’m excited to see how much I progress. Sometimes I’m still scared but I know that’s my OCD trying to get me to quit because we both know this ERP therapy is helping. If you’re struggling, please seek help. It does get better. I wanted to quit after doing my first exposure. I’m so happy I didn’t. And on hard days when I want to give up, I know this is what I’m supposed to be doing to help myself.

What to do when your brain keeps bringing a past real event and saying something else happened (that is horrible) but you know you didn’t actually do something wrong, how do you make it leave you alone?? I just don’t want my brain to keep bringing this up over and over, like it’s so distressing I know you say “maybe I did, maybe I didn’t” but what if it GENUINELY doesn’t leave you alone? Do you do something or?

Hey guys, I had a thought or something I was doing that had a negative impact on me. Now I have anxiety because I cannot remember what the heck it was! I was doing so good until now. Now I have anxiety and am scared!

I pray not to see sixes. Today at the grocery store as she was totalling up my groceries, I asked God to not have it be 6's specifically 3 of them in a row. But really don't want to see any. The bill was 10.66. So I decided to do erp with 6's but all kinds of bad thoughts and other things came up on the search along with 3 6's. I'm so scared. What if I'm cursed with badness from all of these 6's coming up?

I've been in a constant state of panic since last night. My brain...oh my brain I'm so sick of you. I have intrusive thoughts that tell me "I don't exist" "I'm already dead" The panic and hyper focusing has caused so much DPDR that I feel disconnected to where it truly feels like I ceased to exist. No matter what I tell myself, I can't calm down. Nothing is a distraction, not even video games. I don't feel real. It feels like my own voice in my head is numb. I can't concentrate, my memory is awful, and I'm just all around scared. I can't believe it's gotten to this point. I don't know what to do...I'm terrified.

Can anyone share advice on how you differentiate between actual relationship issues and ocd issues? And also how to stay connected with your partner during a hard time? I get really frustrated with my partner (disclaimer: he’s a great guy and his heart is in the right place) but he’s not aching the way I want him to (I recognize how that sounds haha) one of the things is that he doesn’t show much expression or excitement when talking to me so it’s really hard for me to feel loved through that. I’ve expressed that time and time again (which could be a compulsion) and when he tries to improve it just feels disingenuous, furthering my frustration. It could just be that nothing feels good enough for me, or that I’m just fed up but then idk if I should make myself hang out with him as an exposure, or just be alone. I fear that I’m not going to get my point across efficiently, or that it’s just the way he is and it’s something I’ll have to put up with. When do I decide to take action and when do I sit back and deal with it as ocd?because for me it feels like there’s no way of knowing! i don’t want to sacrifice my needs but I try to resist a lot of what I’m thinking due to the possibility of it being a compulsion. On the other hand however, I could just be silencing myself and in turn being quiet and he is ok with that but I like a lot of communication as it makes me feel connected. This could be a real issue that persists, or it could be an ocd spiral…idk and I hate that because I just don’t know how to move based off that info so Im open to any advice!

Hey everyone. I could really use some advice. I finally hit what seems to be rock bottom today. This constant, horrible urge to hurt my puppy. It’s everything. And it feels like I really don’t care. I have no emotions. I can’t think straight. I’m holding myself back from actually doing something because I know deep down in my heart that’s not me. It’s a physically paralyzing feeling that feels like I want it. I don’t know what the difference is between this and someone who’s actually dangerous and losing it. Everytime I look at her it feels like I have a flashback in my head or something and I see a movie/get an urge to just do it. It feels like I have to even though I don’t want to. But at the same time it’s like I don’t care. I hate this. I valued my dog’s life so much. And I loved her so much. Now I feel nothing. I don’t understand. I’m going to give her to a family member later and probably check myself into a psych hospital. It may be the last time I ever see her but I don’t think there’s another option.

I feel like everyone "healed" from their SOOCD and yet 6 years later I'm still here. All the people who used to post on here have moved on (and good for them) but im still here. Even when im having sex with my bf I'm like "am I enjoying it because Im enjoying the act of sex itself + the fact that Im used to him by now but with women its way more exciting and its about the women itself?". Ugh I just feel so alone, no one relates to me romantically nor physically.