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the NOCD Community

*EXPLICIT!!!!* Is it normal to completely loose your identity with HOCD? There's no "deep down I know I'm straight." I feel completely gay. I really think I am a lesbian in denial. I want my identity back. I've asked this before, but with ERP am I supposed to tell myself that I am gay? I don't know how else to except it. It's the only way that doesn't feel like I'm lying to myself now. It's extremely upsetting because I really don't want this to be my reality. My dad said that if I am a lesbian than I still get to choose who I'm with, but if I am then there's no reason not to be with a woman even if I don't want to be. I have to. If I'm a lesbian and I stay with my boyfriend then I'm just in denial and lying to myself and him right? I have to put myself in a box, I'm not capable of breaking societal standards for some reason as in if I'm a lesbian then I can only date women. My parents keep telling me that they don't think I'm gay, but I can do whatever. I think I'm starting to convince myself that this actually what I want. Hopefully just so I can get over the pain. I don't know anymore. I don't know how I let this turn into an actual identity crisis. It doesn't help that I have ROCD too. I think I'm going to go on the SSRI I was prescribed even though it had bad reviews. I've had OCD since I was like six years old, with multiple different things, but I keep thinking with this one what if it's different? *TMI* *TMI* *TMI* *TMI* I've watched lesbian porn in the past and have finished to it multiple times and for a while that was my go to, then I stopped watching porn altogether. I didn't have any emotional connection to it, but it worked. What if I didn't have an emotional connection because I didn't let myself? I had a fantasy about myself in a lesbian porn once, but again, back then I didn't think of it as something I really wanted in reality, infact it was testing, but I stayed aroused. I know I had fantasies about guys my whole life, but now I feel like I'm making them up. At the beginning of this I remember testing myself thinking about a girl and then switching to a boy to see if I would stay aroused, and I'd completely loose arousal with the boy. There was a lot of anxiety around this so I don't know if that's why or if it's because I'm actually gay. I really really really do not want to be a lesbian, but I read about another on quora that said she really didn't want to be gay and another girl answered by saying that she didn't want to be at first either and that in the beginning she wasn't even able to say the word "lesbian" and that she was extremely depressed in the beginning, but now she's happy. I don't want that. I don't even want to be happy and gay.

Can OCD make you doubt every single aspect about yourself? Like your values and morals? I watched a video yesterday about an 18 year old girl dating a 13 year old boy and when they showed their pictures I noticed that if you didn't know about their ages, you wouldn't be able to tell that theres such an extreme age gap between them. It was just something I noticed and I was like "Oh that's probably why she found him attractive, because he looks about as old as her" and my brain went "So are you justifying it?" and I was like "Absolutely not, I just made an observation. This is still a pedophilic relationship and there's absolutely nothing that can justify it." and my brain goes "You're lying. You secretly have no problem with it. It's why you weren't overtly disgusted when the picture showed up. You're an apologist." and I was like NO I'M NOT and It felt like I was really lying and I'm so scared and confused because I really don't support shit like that. So what the fuck does my brain want from me??? Can OCD do shit like that? I literally constantly feel like I'm fake and that I'm a liar and that I don't love my friends or my little sister and that every good thing I do is for the benefit of me only. I don't want to feel like this. It makes me want to fucking DIE. I just want clarity and certainty and I never have either anymore.

Does anyone else keep thinking about whether they really have OCD or if it's a personality thing? I think I have contamination OCD (and possibly other forms), even if I haven't been diagnosed. Yet, I keep thinking that it might just be my personality and that I'm just a bit picky about things being clean or whatever, even if I don't want it to be so and want to be like most people I know. And then I feel guilt for being a bad person because I "want to have OCD". I mean, I don't want to have OCD (if what I go through already is anything like it, this sucks) but me having it would mean that treatment is possible, but if it was a personality thing, you can't change personalities.. right..? Lately it's been an issue that's on my mind a lot, and I get quite stressed thinking about it, and I keep trying to find evidence as to why it's a problem that needs solving, or trying to figure out its severity.. or even getting the urge to tell someone to see if they go through the same, or if it's just me.. I can't really get professional help.. at least, not now. Yet, I keep stressing over this, and not being sure feels like it's killing me.. "Can I actually control this?", "Am I a fraud for being on this app?", "Am I just eccentric?" are just some of the thoughts I get at night.. What do you guys think? Has anyone else felt this way before? What do y'all think would help?

Going through a break up, dealing with Hocd and being 10 hours away from home is just fucked up this week has been total shit I feel alone and I’m only going back home late November just hope I can make it that long.

Sexual fantasies talk, tmi warning. I can’t stop feeling that there is some monster inside me which is going to destroy my life. I know for a fact now that I never was and in all probability never will be attracted to another woman in reality. I even stopped having these awful groinal responses/intrusive thoughts and now I can be around women, yay! However I am terrified of my sexual fantasies. I’ve kind of suppressed them for a long time. When Im having sex, I concentrate on my partner and that is okay, but sometimes I slip from reality to some ‘harmless’ fantasies and then to taboo ones about other women. I’m afraid that if I allow myself to give in to those fantasies they would be strictly homosexual and that would definitely mean something. Sometimes it’s so bad that I’m trying to force the fantasy and then I feel grossed out. Does anyone else have it?

Okay, I think it’s going to be a long post I’ve been doing extremely well for over 9 months, I truly see in myself positive changes, I’m not overwhelmed by anxiety when I see something gay related, I don’t shy away from gay content etc etc. Nevertheless, sometimes I would get these very agressive groinal responses out of nowhere, those are really disturbing. They are the main cause which forces my brain to overthink and begin this vicious cycle of constant rumation. Yes, the rumination does not affect me nearly as much as it did in the past, but it is still like a worm in my head that eats me alive. For a couple of days now I’ve been having an idea, related to the Jung theory of the shadow self. Those familiar with it will understand what I’m trying to say. Basicaly, I started to analyze that maybe, the pure obsession that I have, related to my sexuality(hocd) could be a sign of my shadow self. Jung highlights the importance of the integration of the shadow self with the self, and he also points out that the shadow self sends us messages from the unconscious mind, our pure desires and needs. So my intrusive and obsessive thought lately has been regarding this theory. What if this means that my deepest desire is to be with a woman, to have a passionate love with a woman etc etc. Once I started to delve deeper into the subject, I found out that these signals of the shadow self are present since childhood, but, knowing that we are doing something prohibited, we as children tend to hide these kind of things. When I was about 6-7 I would always make my barbie have sex with a doll man, I would watch porn, I even wanted to be a pornstar because it would have meant that I would have sex every day. I would masturbate sometimes daily. With other words, I was a very sexual child. But there is one thing which alarms me, and my brain sees it as a reflection of my shadow self. When I was about 9 I wanted to teach my friend how to masturbate, and it all progressed till touching each others intimate parts. It is worth noting that this activity aming girls was popular in my neighbourhood. Morover, I wouldn’t have done it, if I didn’t see other girls do it and it seemed interesting to me, not to mention that I knew how pleasure felt like. Now, as I have these obsessive thoughts about my sexuality, I’m starting to have false(or maybe not) memories. For instance, I kind of remember thinking to make two of my barbies have sex, but knowing it was not something okay, I didn’t do it. Again, I’m not 100% sure of the credibility of this memory, but it definetely made me very anxious. My questions: What do you think about the shadow self theory? How could you explain my very sexual behaviour as a child? I remember that I wanted to have hetero sex so badly, but now I am totally anxious when it comes to sex. How can I change that?

Anyone here experiencing OCD related to skin picking disorder? I'm freaking out right now, been living with this shit for years and I'm afraid I can't stop! Please help me.

Hi! I thought I would share this because I think it’s so important to share experiences through erp and this crappy ocd life we all live! A few weeks ago I wrote a post in reasons to recover. Almost all of my ocd was gone! I was 98% ocd free ...... for a whole month until last week... I relapsed. It was awful and it came in strong. It came in as a visualization that disturbed me so much and brought back my harm ocd and also my ocd where I think i might really be “crazy”. I want to share this because I think it’s important for others to know that when a relapse happens it doesn’t take away from your hard work. It doesn’t mean you are back at square one! You are just at a higher bridge now and it’s time to cross it. About a day after the horrible relapse that made me feel awful all night, I realized that I wasn’t getting to the root fear of my ocd. I managed to do aspects of erp which helped me... I was better at accepting, I let thoughts in, I stopped physical compulsions, i labeled my ocd but what I didn’t do was expose myself to my deepest fears.... and I get it now. It’s so scary to expose yourself to what truly disturbs you. I began with making a hierarchy of my true deep fears and came up with 4 main points that I feared the most, then I made goals.... one was to write harm scripts where the worst fear happens... I read them over to myself 30 times a day, next goal is to be around knives and harm objects... so I have been holding butcher knives while reading my scripts etc.... I also look at myself in the mirror and repeat “ yes you are crazy”...this is the thick of erp. It’s horrifying and it often leaves me crying and upset.... but I know this is the only way... the only way out of this pain is completely through it... you have to expose yourself often and intensely .... I look at the relapse as a sign that I slowly worked my way up to being able to do this erp this intensely. My advice is you can do this. It’s true it really does get easier. Don’t give up even when you relapse. I hope this helps!

Hey.. can someone offer some advice on my relationship it’s giving me a lot of anxiety i need mature advice pls ):

Anyone else experienced something like this? You’re doing something normal, and you start thinking, what if my ocd attaches to this? And then you make it. Or you’re thinking, what if I can’t do this normally? And that inhibts you from doing so.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Going to a therapist is not working because he doesn’t know Hocd and he is just crap Exercising doesn’t seem to help The only time I’m happy is when I’m alone in my room I don’t have any or have less thoughts I’m trying to be strong but nah Fuck I don’t know anymore

Please read: Can ocd make you feel like you want it? And enjoy the thoughts? I wouldn't be this distressed if I enjoyed them I know that for a fact but it feels like I do and that terrifies me so so much. I'm really struggling right now and losing hope I HATE my brain so much.

I had my first intrusive thought for a LONG time last night, at a party. I am in a committed and living relationship but when speaking to another guy had the urge to kiss him. I began thinking I had done it and felt sick and panicky, having to move away from him. I have obsessed about this all day ?

Having a rough night. Does anyone out there get obsessive Images and Thoughts 24/7?

*****TMI***** i wish that i never came across lesbian porn when i was 12. i understand that the type of porn you watch doesn’t reflect your sexuality and that straight females tend to enjoy lesbian porn but god, it’s such a trigger. it obviously does not help with my hocd and i feel like it ruined my sex drive. for the most part, i can’t get wet (ahhhhh tmi im srry) unless it’s lesbian porn. i want to have sex with a guy and i get groinal responses thinking about it but my brain is telling me that i’m forcing the thought and that i am in denial.

Hey guys I haven’t been here in a while . I thought if I didn’t talk about my obsessions or interact with others who have ocd it would help with my recovery but I was wrong . I’ve been in treatment for about 4 weeks now , I don’t really have that much anxiety when I get thoughts of being trans but I still don’t feel the same , when I do things like get my hair done or my nails it doesn’t feel the same . I feel Luke My old self is really completely gone . Memories of me being my old self don’t even feel like me anymore and it feels so far away . I can’t even remember who I am anymore and that’s why the thought of me being a boy just feels so real . I don’t wanna be trans but it feels like I have no choice . It feels like the ERP isn’t working . I feel like I don’t know who I am and it’s putting me in a scary place . I know who I want to be but what if I never get there . Being a girl just doesn’t feel as enjoyable as it did before for me . I just don’t know what to think or do anymore ... I just wish I can start my life over before all this happend . It ruined me

So, I’m spiralling right now. My dad was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma 5 months ago. Since then, my anxiety has been all over the place. 2 weeks ago I got a swollen node under my jaw, no other major symptoms. It was movable and painful to the touch. After a week of it not going away, I went to the GP and she said not to worry, it’s probably some kind of an infection, otherwise it wouldn’t be painful and it my throat wouldn’t be red. She gave me antibiotics. Now, I’m almost done with the antibiotics, and I can still feel the node. I think it decreased in size, but I’m really not sure and I keep touching it (it’s a compulsion, I know :( ), but it’s not painful anymore. I’m really anxious and my dad’s diagnosis is just making everything seem more real :( But, at the same time, the rational part of me knows I’m overreacting. Aah, this is so idiotic :(

Does anybody’s hocd get triggered when celebrities come out

Ugh the intrusive thoughts are heavy today. Hoping to just push through. I don’t understand where they come from. I was fine a few minutes before and then they hit me. Any advice on how to just deal with the anxiety they bring.

I shared on Instagram about what it is like to have harm ocd yesterday for mental health awareness day, and now I cant stop thinking that this was a terrible thing to do....My mom told me that I shouldn’t have said anything on social media because a future employer or school could think I’m violent, so I took down the post. I can’t stop thinking that now all of my friends and family think I’m a terrible violent person because I shared some of the intrusive thoughts that go through my head in an effort to get people to understand... I’ve been repeating an exposure of saying how I’m going to be arrested, my family will disown me, Im going to end up homeless because everyone will think I’m a murderer, etc, but I’m still just so stressed about it, despite the ERP....