Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Hi! I think I’m going through a backdoor spike of sorts? I think I have (I’m not diagnosed but the definitions seem to suit me) SOOCD and ROCD. Lately tho, I feel little to no anxiety about my thoughts which is weird. But- I still continue to write down my thoughts and go on Reddit and, i guess here now. I feel rather.. numb? Around by boyfriend if that makes sense. I don’t feel much excitement. It could be cuz of school and I’m over stressed. But the thiughts don’t cause anxiety and the lack of anxiety doesn’t cause anxiety but the thoughts are still there and I’m slightly worried they’re thoughts I actually want. They’re sorta mushed together Stuff like: - what if I fall out of love today or in 10 years and realize I’m a lesbian and not bisexual like I’ve always thought - what if we get divorced after we have kids (we’re not even engaged yet, I’m 19 bro) - what if I regret marrying him - why do I feel nauseous when kissing him? Does this mean I don’t like him and I’m a lesbian? - im not up for sex today, will he be upset? Am I even attracted to him - did I only fall in love with him because I liked the attention? - images of me marrying a woman that I really don’t want. I love my bf. Saying “maybe maybe not” to this doesn’t help - worried I’m lying and I don’t love him enough or at all. - what happens if (situation with future children) happens. Will we divorce? - he and I were talking about sex and I suddenly thought “I’m doing this for attention” and all arousal I had went away. Granted it was really late and I was kinda tired and he was about to leave so.. - was my joking about liking women in high school more genuine than my liking of men? I’m bisexual so SOOCD is kicking me - late in life lesbian videos and stories make me a tad bit nervous that I’m actually them and denying - worried I’m checked out of my relationship cuz of the numbness. Checking if I’m feeling enough. Looking at him sometimes and wondering if I even love him and not feeling any anxiety when I do minus the nausea - checking if I’m aroused/have a crush on my female friends -did I mistake platonic friendship with my bow bf for romantic attraction and have never actually been happy or enjoyed sex and intimacy with him? I just feel… crazy. I went to a psychiatrist and she said it wasn’t ocd and just anxiety and I’m self diagnosing cuz I’m a pre med student blah blah blah but that doesn’t explain the debilitating anxiety I had. Is this a backdoor spike cuz I’m not feeling anxious? I feel like I don’t love him anymore but I don’t wanna say that or end things and I hate it so much feeling like this. I know there’s no certainty. But I’m so worried about regret or actually making the wrong choice. Like I can’t see a future with him right now and it’s bugging me that I only like him as a friend and that’s why I can’t see one? But before all this I could? Have all my feelings for him changed? Are we too incompatible because of our differing beliefs (he’s Muslim, I’m Christian, I’m queer and he’s relatively supportive of the community. Very curious in recent weeks which is nice, makes me a feel a bit better) idk I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s been like 5 months of this. I saw a video about a lady who experienced comphet and realized later in life and it all spiralled from there yknow? If anyone has any advice or can relate please pass it over cuz I feel slightly insane honestly. Idk if I should talk to a therapist here as well cuz I already have a therapist but she doesn’t specialize in ocd. I’m worried it’s not ocd because I’m not feeling anxious anymore

Pocd feels real again and I can’t tell if I’m actually attracted or not. can’t believe it got this bad again. I used to be able to go “no I don’t like that, go away” and now it feels like I do like it and want it, and it’s starting to linger longer so it feels more real. I’m avoiding checking but I’m so scared that what if it’s true. Is it because I have not been doing my exposures? I’m not sure, but every time a 14 year old person comes to my head, I keep hearing something go “they’re attractive” and it sounds like me so I panic, and it makes me even more scared because I’m not feeling bad about it??? I saw some kid at Walmart that had long black hair and my brain kept saying shit and no matter how much I say I don’t feel that way, it won’t shut up, i want to check 1000 times to make sure. But I know it’s not worth it. I’m trying so hard

As a father of a son with OCD, I was initially at a loss when his therapist diagnosed him. I struggled to manage his episodes of anxiety and compulsions. When I reached out to his therapist for guidance, my request was denied due to HIPAA laws, which protect patient privacy. My son is over 18 years old. While I understand the importance of these laws, I believe there should be more flexibility when it comes to mental health and close family members. Allowing healthcare providers and parents to communicate could greatly benefit the patient. Perhaps this is an issue that organizations like NOCD could bring to lawmakers' attention to consider revising HIPAA regulations?

Background: My husband and I moved across the state to be closer to my family (7 hours) rather abruptly because I wanted to move away from his mother because she is so draining to be in the same city as I was feeling emotionally beaten down on the regular. We just had our first daughter and she was 5 months old at the time of our move, she is now 10 months old. We lived with my mom for 2 months while looking for a house and we ended up finding one under market value because the old man was trying to get rid of it as low as possible to avoid foreclosure. When we first saw it we saw the potential and only issues we knew of were 1) smelled like dog pee but my husband was very confident that smell would come out 2) it was really dirty bc the old man didnt take care it bc he was 80 and 3) the roof was gonna have to get replaced in less than 5 years. I initially told my husband I was concerned about the dog pee smell not coming out but he was insanely confident that it would. We had all of the standard inspections and successfully closed. Inspection showed surface level fungal growth on the wall underneath the master shower head due to a drip but it was repaired and the wall was cleaned, scraped, and re-mudded. Mold is pretty standard in bathrooms without frequent cleaning so not concerned. The beginning of the obsession and my ultimate spiral: The day after closing my sister and I went over there to deep clean the house. We noticed the windows had mold on the caulk around the windows and some growing on the windowsills. It came off with some scrubbing and cleaner. Then I googled "mold on windows" because I had actually never experienced mold growing on windows. Then I went down the rabbit hole and it said it could be a leak or spread into the surrounding drywall. Now we circle back to the dog pee smell - we hadn't done anything to treat the smell yet so it still smelled bad then I saw a reddit post that said they thought they bought a dog pee house turns out it was a mold house. So now I have become fully convinced we just bought ourselves a money-pit albatross that is gonna have to be gutted and sold for the land - because that's what happened to the redditor. So I get an indoor air quality test and it doesn't really indicate an issue either. My husband, his dad, my mom, his mom, and my dad all tell me that its surface level mold and not uncommon on windows and that smell is pee. So we treat the pee. The pee smell does go away, you'd think I'd let it go. NOPE. I still think the house smells odd, not bad just weird. I want the vents cleaned. We have a NEST thermostat and I noticed humidity was 62% so i start googling what is normal. NOT THAT. Turns out our AC is oversized causing excessive humidity of 50-60%. So I get a dehumidifiers and keep it below 50%. HVAC also confirms that there is not any mold in our ducts. Then I starting thinking the smell is actually bed bugs or roaches. Have an inspector come - no signs of any infestations of any kind just says our insulation is low. My husband asks "Any mold?" He said "nope." My husband and his parents smell nothing bad and say it just smells clean. I then convinced myself that we just masked the smell with paint and the enyzmatic cleaner and theyre wrong. THEN find out our roof is LEAKING and we need a new one immediately and it never should have passed inspection. SOOO NOW IM REALLY SET THAT WE HAVE A HIDDEN MOLD PROBLEM. Now im hoping the roofing people won't have to replace that much rotted wood plus the water stains we saw on the ceiling are only by the fireplace and the drywall isn't wet just stained and the roofer did say that it was the flashing. Roof got done and they only had to replace 2 boards. Did that reassure me? no. Then my mom comes over for the first time and says "It just smells clean" and she has asthma so she said if there was a mold issue she'd be the one to react. Did that reassure me? A little bit. But not entirely. While she was there I was replacing the liners in the kitchen cabinets and I pulled the old one out that the previous owner had and there was what I think was mold under it, but idk cause it was odorless. But it was the cabinet next to the dishwasher which we knew leaked but we replaced it so no more leak. I wiped off the mold and sprayed it with mold killer but now I want to replace all the damn cabinets bc i'm paranoid it seeped into it but I also don't know if it actually did and really have no reason to believe that. My mom, dad, and husband told me we I was overreacting and that it really wasn't that much and may not even be mold. I was in the hall bathroom and noticed these weird shadow stains on the wall behind the door and water stains on the fiberglass tub/shower insert that look like the kind of stain that would be on a ceiling but on the fiberglass. Tried hard not to google the shadow but yup could be mold. So tomorrow were gonna go to the house to do projects and I'm either gonna sand it to see under the paint or cut a fricken hole in the wall. Googled the fiberglass water stain and its just that - a water stain not indication of leak or mold. Still not convinced. My obsession and fear intertwining: I can get a professional mold inspection but im genuinely scared to know the results so i dont want to and my husband is very adamant the we're not spending the $500 it'll cost to get one because we have no legitimate reason to believe there's some hidden issue. We have owned the house for almost 3 months and I still haven't moved myself or my daughter in and have been staying at my moms because I want my husband and I to finish various projects that I feel will help alleviate my fear of this mold and the fact that house is so gross and I keep thinking "oh if this is replaced i'll feel better and I can move in." But it's truly causing me so much dread and I am so obsessed I can't stop researching it and every time I'm at the house I touch the walls and inspect nooks and crannies for signs of mold or water damage. There's literally no signs of water damage except for the mold on the caulk/windowsill that came off when I cleaned it and can be attributed to dirty windows + high indoor humidity which have both been resolved and it hasn't returned and the mold under the liner in the cabinet which the leak is gone and the mold is cleaned. But I still can't stop. But anyways I have prayed and prayed and tried so hard to stop obsessing over the fear of some extensive mold infestation. In the rational side of my brain I know theres not a mold problem but the irrational side is screaming so loud "but there might be." I've always struggled with contamination OCD, growing up if my room was messy i'd stop sleeping in there because I thought thered be bugs hiding amongst my messy toys. If my husband puts his dirty clothes on the floor vs the hamper and it starts to pile up I either put gloves on to get it or i have him pick it up bc i dont want the stink on me and im scared theres bugs. and if the kitchen isnt clean i cant cook. if the living room isnt clean i cant sit down. so i know i have a history of this but now its like next fricken level. and i also literally lived in a place that had literal black mold growing in the wall bc it smelled so musty and rug would literally get wet and the floors were buckled and stained under my carpets and i was fine and i told my landlord it was there but they ignored me and said it wasn't mold or a leak lmao but it def was which was confirmed when i moved out. so i know what an actual mold issue usually carries with it and we have none of those issues yet i still continue with my fear and i know its much worse since i have a baby now bc last time i wasnt worried about it bc i wasnt having any health issues i just smelled it and saw it but now that i have a baby i just cant move on. we have all stayed the night there for days in a row, spent hours there doing projects with the baby included and never had any health issues that would indicate mold either. So if you read all that thank you bc im honestly just brain dumping rn as if this is a personal journal but i need help to stop obsessing over this bc im so depressed and regret moving so much now i am so miserable with this obsession bc i know rationally that theres not a problem but the irrational is so much louder. so any contamination OCD people that actually read all this that have any methods that help them?

can someone with this theme help me i’m so scared and i can’t stop having panic attacks is this OCD??? So i always have struggled most with sucicidal ocd and harm ocd. i never really had any other themes. but recently ive struggled with SOOCD. My whole life i have never EVER been into girls ever and i could never even think of ever being with a girl in my entire life. i’m having extreme amounts of anxiety and i have compulsions to make sure i look at a girl and don’t feel anything towards them or anything. My mind is literally going “what if your just in denial” or “what if you’ve just been hiding it all these years” When i know i haven’t. i have all of the symptoms of SOOCD and i still know that im not gay,but these thoughts are extremely distressing and have been the worse to deal with. I’m constantly panicking and doing compulsions to get these thoughts to leave and they won’t. i’m scared and these thoughts are making my mind scared. What if i’m going against my morals and i’m lying to myself like and i just went through a tough breakup too so that is shooting these thoughts and anxiety. Please help omg!!!

I'm having the hardest time right now with my own ruminating negative thoughts that may or may not possibly come true. I fear the worst and replay what that looks like in my head over and over. The best I can do is my best and wait for the horror to end. I want to cry, but can't. I'm scared and alone in my head. My anxiety is extreme. What should I do in the meantime while I'm going through this? How can I minimize or stop the way I'm feeling? Please, I need help.

Do you want to know what it's like for someone without OCD to be a Dad for an OCD son? I don't mean to add to your struggles, but I feel it's important for you to understand how your therapist, father, or mother might feel. We also have thoughts and fears—like worrying about not having enough money to support you, or concerns about our health and ability to work, pay for your college, or buy the new shoes you need. We fear seeing you struggle more deeply with your thoughts and anxiety episodes while feeling helpless. We grieve that we didn't recognize your condition earlier so we could have helped you better. Yet, despite all these fears and sadness, having you around brings us immense joy. Please know that each of you is deeply loved by someone who would sacrifice everything for you. Yes, we sometimes lose our temper and get upset, but it's not with you. It's the frustration of not understanding what's happening with you that upsets us. Feeling helpless drives us crazy. If OCD were a person, count me as its kiler. Love to all of you, and wishing you a speedy recovery.

please ignore the typos its hard to type right now. fir context me and my partner are both 21 and have been together for well over a year now. a situation happened with my partner and it felt bad, but i verbalized my discomfort with what happened and we set boundaries and over time i made sure to emphasize that boundary. its just to ask before anything sexual even just grabbing my breast or butt. He's gotten better at remembering or immediately stopping and asking if he forgot for a second which i appreciate and see as a progress of breaking a habit that i was okay with previously but wasn't anymore. the other night, he was sitting on the ground while I was standing and didn't have pants on and was on my phone for a moment and he licked a little bit right below my stomach and I moved him away and got upset because he forgot to ask before hand. He apologized and recognized right as i moved him away that he forgot to ask before and he made sure that i was aware that he recognizes that he is in the wrong and gave me space to talk with him but i felt really bad and scared about if what just happened was assault or not. he feels awful, and i have an ocd theme centered around the worry that he has SAed me and it was really getting to me. He encouraged me talk to a hot line for mental health, as well as open up to my mom about the situation since she's experienced SA and I trust her to be there for me and protect me. She said she also truly believes he had absolutely no ill intent and crossed a boundary on accident, and i agree, but i still feel so bad and feel the need to figure this out and what to do next. i don't know how to navigate this and what if that means that I can't move on from this and if that means I shouldnt be in this relationship anymore. I want to talk to a therapist about how to navigate this but I have no access to one and won't for months. this feels awful and so scary. i feel distant and different about my future with my partner and I dont know if I can get past this or if i should. I also was groomed when I was younger and I guess im also scared of being naive and too trusting of someone again. but the fact that my partner encouraged me to talk to other people about this shows me that he cares about me and my well being and that it truly was an accident. please someone read this and respond, I need help.

Today i had a bad day, I was handling my emotions for days and randomly today i just forgot it and now again im panicking over every emotion. Im so dissapointed, its so annoying. Im being lost in my emotions. Now im obsessively trying to find what i did that helped which just feeds the fear, the fear is so loud. I dont know what happened, i just forgot it. I got hit by a huge ocd attack and now im.panicking over every emotions, when 2 days ago i was handling them pretty well, i was so happy for myself... Now thats gone, i dont remember how i did it and i just try to find that feeling but thats doesnt work. Only thing i can do is sit in the pain but that will just make me depressed. Whatever i try to do the resistance comes and i cant do anything, i want to be kind with myself but resistance stops me, i want to not react but automatically i react,.i want to stop feeding the feeling but resistance is there. It feels like its only works when everything is fine and i feel motivated, but i wont feel that all the time, now i dont know how to describe it but nothing seems to work, i keep rumminating that everything i try to do is avoidance, everything i try to do is worsening my mental health recovery. I need help for that, its really annoying. Its really dissapointing even if its part of recovery, i just forgot what helped, and everytime its the same, i need to learn again everything from the start...

All of my intrusive thoughts feel like they are centered on my fear of losing control. I picture myself being locked up or tied to a bed because of losing control of my mind. My mind taunts me with intrusive thoughts, words, phrases, images, feelings or lack of feelings. I remember at a young age having anxiety and going to my mother for advice. She told me I was having a nervous breakdown. That’s the last thing a little kid would want to hear rather than the comfort of their mother. Since she uttered those words to me I’ve always had this sense of not being in control. I even often have trouble relaying this to my therapist which causes more anxiety. I think to myself If I can’t get my point across how can I get better. Can anyone relate to my situation?

If you’re reading this I just want to preface my post with a disclaimer: I’m undiagnosed, and while I have experienced many “obsessive compulsive tendencies” over the years , I’m not sure that this is directly related to them, so I’ve decided to treat it as if it wasn’t. Instead I just need to vent, because I feel as though there will be at least one person who sympathizes with me, regardless of if it’s ocd or not. I know that relationships aren’t easy, but I’ve come to realize just how hard they can be. I’ve reached quite a low point in my relationship with my boyfriend, we bicker and argue and nitpick, and a lot of it is my fault. For the longest time I struggled with nitpicking, and I thought it might be ROCD (though now I’m not too sure). I kept feeling the “ick” over certain things like his voice or the way he conducts himself in public. And to be honest I still struggle with it from time to time. But over the past couple months a new struggle has surfaced. I started struggling to trust him. It started when he broke my trust, not in a major way mind you, but it has spiraled out of control. Now we have these tedious and dumb “arguments” all the time over small things, and they almost always start because of me. I’m constantly questioning every little thing he says because I feel that he doesn’t sound honest or consistent, or I feel that he’s lying, withholding some truth, or just being misleading in some way. Our communication is messy, and I often find that my boyfriend’s way of communicating isn’t always consistent, which makes it more difficult to trust him. I’ve become so interrogating towards him, constantly wanting to analyze everything he says. It’s just so difficult, and adding the nitpicking on top just makes things worse. But even more than that, I worry because through this rough patch, my boyfriend still expresses how much he loves me, all of me, even the bad parts. And I’m struggling to feel the same way back. I feel that my love doesn’t measure up. I struggle to love the bad parts, I struggle to feel love when I’m frustrated or going through a rough patch like this, and sometimes I even struggle to feel motivation to keep growing. It just doesn’t really feel like a relationship right now because of all that’s going on. I feel disconnected, and the feelings just aren’t there as much right now. It’s just so much and I’m feeling discouraged. But I want to grow, I don’t want to give up. I just don’t know what to do or where to start.

I’ve been getting better with accepting the thoughts and mental images of hurting my significant other are just thoughts, but I haven’t developed the tools yet to understand all the questioning of myself and my morals/values that the thoughts and mental images cause. I start questioning maybe I am this horrible person or maybe I don’t love her and this is why I think this horrible things. Does anyone have any tools or advice for dealing with that? Is it positive self-talk? Is it accepting those internal dialogues/questions?

I have sent nudes before when I was younger and I am really struggling with the fact that I have sent them because it makes me feel like I am such a bad person and I don’t deserve certain things. I try my hardest to be a good person and do the right things but I obviously have made lots and lots of mistakes. I cannot get over these mistakes I’ve made because I judge myself so hard for them and it’s making it hard to function.

Hi everyone, I wanted to reach out to see if anyone else has experienced something similar with OCD and intrusive thoughts. I’ve been struggling during moments of intimacy because intrusive thoughts, particularly ones related to POCD, feel so ‘sticky’—like they’re all I can picture. Even though I really want the thoughts to go away, they persist, and I’ve been trying not to avoid intimacy because of them. However, that makes me feel like I’m somehow ‘enjoying’ the thoughts or images, which I really dislike. It’s like my brain is playing this awful trick, and it’s leaving me feeling confused and gross. I guess I’m supposed to not let the thoughts bother me and continue as if nothing’s wrong, but I’m scared that by doing so, I’m almost training myself to get off to them or something. This fear makes it so hard to trust myself in those moments, and it’s been overwhelming. If anyone else has been through this, how do you handle it?

sometimes, to try and prove my fear wrong i’ll be like “ okay, let me think of this REALISTICALLY. would i REALISTICALLY feel this way or do this thing? “ then i come up with scenarios in my head on how i think i would realistically ( or logically ) do something but then my feelings go against that thing i thought of then i start getting anxiety and start to fear that i would actually want my fear to happen or that i’d feel a certain way that proves my fear true. it’s basically just checking how i feel about something i think of to try and prove my fear wrong, checking my emotions or checking how i think i’d realistically feel towards it.. but then i may react “ unrealistically “ it goes wrong and i freak out

Those of you who have overcome at least a bit, if not all, of your OCD. When you went through the CBT and ERP, did it feel like the end of the world? And how did you face the fact that your fears and uncertainties might actually come to life?

How long does it take for the intrusive thoughts to go away

Was wondering if anyone liked to share how they deal with Severe rumination and anxiety , as I’m always looking to Add to my tool box . Thanks 🙏

I remember days when just making it through seemed insurmountable. I remember moments when I didn’t know if I could go on. I remember going to the ER just two and a half months ago. Now I have my life back from OCD, and it was all worth it. While living with SI themed OCD has been a roller coaster, and I still have easier & harder days, I am excited to have my life back from OCD. I feel stronger than ever, and resilient, and feel competent to face whatever OCD throws at me. I would encourage you if you’re struggling, don’t give up, take it moment by moment. Have faith, ERP does work. You will experience that the thoughts become less frequent and less intense & you can live a meaningful life despite OCD.

Confused at best. Hoping someone else can share to give a little hope or advice? Here’s the deal. 2 years ago my husband found himself unemployed for a second time in a 2-year span. Both of his terminations were due to budget cuts/post-COVID restructuring. While I was able to sustain our family of five and had initially encouraged him to take his time a year ago we were at a cross-roads and I really needed him to apply more actively and in an in-person role if he was able (versus the remote roles he was solely applying for) Fast forward a year later, he’s still unemployed. He’s worked with unemployment agencies, has upgraded his job profile and resume on social media multiple times. I’ve offered my support emotionally, professionally, financially. Every path seems to lead to disappointment and it brings his spirits down further. I ask him what he’s applying for and try to see if I can help and he just yells at me or threatens to leave to go to his parent’s house. He’s accused me of being “bougie”, materialistic, etc. during this process and says I will never be happy with him. I’m embarrassed to admit I’m reaching the end of my rope with it, as I truly feel if I were in this position I would take a role immediately available (McDonald’s, etc) to provide for the family. During this process I have stepped up to even take a second role outside of my normal demanding corporate management job just to ensure we do not fall behind on our mortgage and bills. He seems to not really give too much during this time and hasn’t really offered to step up the chores at home (laundry, etc) and spends most of his days from 9pm-4am on video games, but blames our newborn son for his “sleeplessness”. I’ve calmly offered therapy sessions, have talked to him calmly and he just seems to not get it. Any guidance here?