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I can't sleep, anyone else here is up to chat? Ask me anything

I feel like in some ways receiving a diagnosis for OCD has in some ways made things worse. I’ve always had what I called “phases” throughout life, which I now know were ocd episodes, but I didn’t really make too much of them and even if it was over several long difficult months, they’d always seem to kind of just pass. Recently I’ve begun my worse flare up in the last few years and now that I’m older I seemed professional help which led to my diagnosis. This all sounds great of course but I can’t actually afford therapy right now so I kinda just have the diagnosis but not the support so now that I realize these phases are actually this incurable mental illness I just feel like I’ve lost all hope that I’ll ever be happy and I feel like I basically obsess about obsessing at this point and it just sucks. Has anyone else had this or a similar experience?

I had a really intense flare up this week, which came with the urgent desire to confess something to my girlfriend. I’ve made it through 3 or so days of sitting with this confession, but I don’t know how handle the thought “what if this is pertinent to confess and you’re using ERP to make you ok with hiding things?” It’s really hard because I have Real Event OCD and my primary obsessions regard some truly horrible things I’ve done/ways I’ve behaved throughout my 9 year relationship. Some of these have been absolutely necessary to confess to her, so that makes every confession feel urgent and important (because things in the past actually WERE vital to tell her). I’ve confessed so so SO many details to her, and everything I’ve told her felt like it was absolutely necessary to confess. She always encourages me to speak with her when I have these things on my mind, but I never run out of things to confess. I never run out of anxiety and fear. I feel so exhausted fighting with my brain all day. The main thing I’ve been ruminating over the past few days involves the way I answered a question she asked me around a month ago when we were having a conversation about the things I’ve done (it was of course brought up by me because I was ruminating and anxious). I think I may have lied. It wasn’t intentional, and I didn’t feel anxious like I would if I purposefully lied, but I feel like I’m the moment I may have known my answer wasn’t 100% accurate. I can’t determine if this information is vital to confess as I feel like the answer I have come up with is different and more harmful than my original answer. However, I’ve been really struggling the past month with near daily flare ups and confession urges (after a period of finally starting to move on from my event). I know that if I confess this, I will find something else to confess very shortly after/feel like I didn’t confess enough. But that doesn’t mean that my current confession urge isn’t real or important. I’m so stressed out. I would like to keep fighting the urge because I’ve been doing this constantly for years now. She says most of the details I’ve told her weren’t totally necessary to confess, but obviously some were. And that’s what scares me. How do I tell the difference? I’m really stressed and we’re supposed to have a nice little movie night together this evening, but I feel like such a monster and a fraud. I could really use some level headed advice 😢 I’m so tired of this, and I’m so tired of myself. I just wish I could have been a better person and a better partner.

Hi, having an ROCD spike/spiral and honestly just looking for someone to relate to/to know it is ROCD. I’m so in love with my fiancé, the love of my life. She showed me a video today she thought was funny and I didn’t think it was funny at all, and I felt guilty both for not laughing at something that brought her joy and for suddenly having OCD or whatever telling me we aren’t compatible. She said she loved how well she gets along with my brother-in-law and is so glad she has him (as another in-law to commiserate and laugh lol), and said she hopes he feels the same. I said of course he does. But I don’t actually know if that’s true, and then I get scared my family doesn’t love her as much as hers loves me and I am absolutely gutted by this thought. I don’t have a reason to feel this way but I scan everything, and now I feel like such a monster and I feel so sad that maybe she isn’t loved the way I want her to be. I feel guilty even writing this because I feel like I have to tell her what I’m writing— do I need to? I’m really struggling and seeking support. Thank you to anyone who has some time

🔞 hello everyone! yesterday there was a get-together at my company, like a party.. i was really thinking about whether i should go or not, like, my mind kept repeating "pedophiles have no face, what if they knew about the problems you go through", or similar things..i have a coworker who has a little brother, and she always talks about him..i feel kind of guilty when i talk about him with her, even though she's the one who starts it. and these thoughts always come to my head, like "more Imagine if she knew what you're going through, never would do that". i think i will never be happy again if this problem persists, if i am not diagnosed quickly..as if it will always prevent me from being at peace, and it really does. yesterday i had thoughts of younger girls, between 15/16, with older men, and it's as if they did it for pleasure..💔 i know this would never sound right to me, i would never look at this idea and feel like it, but my body reacts differently and it kills me. i feel groin sensations, and also my body goes into a panic state, tension..idk. i feel like the more i know about pedophilic situations, the more my brain will develop this and work to give me fear or "pleasure". this makes me desperate. i'm afraid I'll never be normal again, if i ever was..

I’m not ok can someone please let me vent, living is so hard

So I have a thought to do some type of compulsion for more than a month I don’t want to do the compulsion (even my therapist told me that it’s a compulsion). But why am I scared why I can’t let go of the thought? What if I don’t have OCD? Why is my brain so obsessed omg. I’m tired of this. Do you think the urge to do this compulsion will be FOREVER like every second of the day and I will never be happy again . I’m so worried about doing this compulsion my therapist all the time telling me it’s a compulsion and it’s help for 2 days then I’m worried again. I need someone to tell me all the time it’s a compulsion (wait is that compulsion too? ) did someone experienced something like this before and overcome it?

Hi, I don’t know what to do anymore Pocd kills me I had many themes before but this theme is the hardest for me. I’m tired. I’m on therapy and meds but I barely do erp . I don’t have a reason I just don’t want to do it but today I will because I have to. I’m taking meds and they help with the anxiety for sure. But the obsessive part is still here . I’m almost 2 months on it (40 mg on Prozac) but I’m still super obsessed like I can have thoughts 24/7 every second of the day and not leave me alone. I have experienced a thought right now for a month + . It’s a thought to do compulsion/urge. My therapist says to let go and gives me tips how to she also tell me to do more erp. But I have this thought to do compulsion for more then month. Im scared what if I don’t have ocd the thought is 24/7. Do you think I should switch meds im so tired.

my ocd has really been taking its toll on me lately. i feel completely unloved by God. i use to feel it, but now i just kinda feel a hole. i talk to Him everyday, and read devotionals. i spend time with Him. i just can’t feel Him. i know a relationship with God isn’t based on feelings, but on faith. i guess my faith is running a bit low. i’m just tired and my thoughts get worse. it’s like a roller coaster.

This is a 18+ topic and I'd really appreciate someone listening.

I'm freaking out a bit right now. I've been doing okay for the past few days, but these thoughts and memories are still bothering me. I was in the car earlier and remembered a post I'd seen on here where someone said they had POCD thoughts that would tell them they'd go searching for illegal content online, and ever since then, it's really triggered my POCD. I'd never even considered that a possibility, and now I'm scared. I thought, "What if I do that?" But I know that I wouldn't... But the thought pops up occasionally, and it's really starting to bother me. I even had the thought of, "What if it's genuine curiosity to what that would look like?" And now I'm panicking. I feel like a horrible human being. I don't want those things. I wish these thoughts would just go away, but it all feels so real. I've been trying really hard these past few days, but sometimes it feels like I might snap and really do something. I'm really scared right now. If anyone could offer advice, I'd really appreciate it. I feel insane, and I can't even share this with anyone close to me. The next appointment with my psychiatrist isn't until after the holidays, and I feel like I'm barely holding on sometimes. I don't know how I'm doing it.

Take a deep breath. These words are not just about a list of fears; they’re about the journey you’ve been on, the emotional weight you’ve carried, and the intense anxiety that has shaped so much of your life. Every one of these fears is a reflection of how deeply your anxiety takes hold of you, how real and overwhelming it feels in the moment, and how exhausting it is to live with that constant sense of dread. Each time, you were certain something catastrophic was happening. You felt it in your body, in your chest, and in every thought that spiraled out of control. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t true; in those moments, it was so real, and that fear gripped you like a vice. It wasn’t just unease—it was total consumption. You were in a constant battle with your mind, desperately trying to calm the storm, to find an answer. And the truth is, you were looking for certainty in places where there were none. This is the nature of Health OCD—it convinces you that unless you have an absolute answer, you can never stop fearing the worst. Your mind wouldn’t let you rest, wouldn’t let you be okay with “I don’t know.” It demanded answers immediately, putting a pressure on you that no one should ever have to face. How badly you wanted to silence the fear with an answer that would give you peace. You spent hours in front of the mirror, scrutinizing every freckle, every mole, every change in your skin. You were looking for reassurance—so much reassurance. You went to the dermatologist, hoping that would ease your mind, but it didn’t quiet the anxiety. You couldn’t stop thinking about your breasts, and so you went for exams over and over, convinced that each ache meant something was wrong. Every time, nothing was wrong, but the anxiety remained. Your mind kept searching for something to hold onto, something that could confirm the worst. And the cycle continued. It’s exhausting. It feels like wasted time, like you’ve been robbed of peace. But the truth is, this isn’t your fault. This is how your brain is wired, and it’s a battle you didn’t choose. Then, there were the panic attacks. The moments when fear took on a life of its own. You’d wake up in the middle of the night, heart racing, convinced something was seriously wrong, and the fear would take over—physically, mentally, emotionally. Your body would shake uncontrollably, you’d throw up from the intensity of the fear, your chest would tighten, and you’d feel like you couldn’t breathe. You rushed to urgent care, terrified of everything—your veins, your heart, your chest, your head. You were certain that something terrible was just around the corner, but each time, you were told it was nothing. And yet, in the frantic search for certainty, your mind couldn’t accept that. You feared even the smallest things—a cough, a sore throat—convinced that they meant something major. You couldn’t escape those thoughts, no matter how hard you tried. Your mind latched onto every symptom, every feeling, twisting it into something catastrophic. It was like taking one small thing and amplifying it into an overwhelming, undeniable certainty. It was exhausting. The pressure never let up, making everything feel like a matter of life or death, when in reality, it wasn’t. But anxiety doesn’t see it that way, and that’s what makes it so difficult. Looking back, it’s easy to feel like you’ve wasted so much time. So many hours spent on Google, reading forums, searching for answers that your brain desperately needed. But hear this: you weren’t wasting time. Your brain was in overdrive, trying to protect you in the only way it knew how. It was searching for anything that could offer peace. It didn’t know how to sit with uncertainty, how to tolerate the discomfort of not knowing. And that’s where the spiral began. But this isn’t your failure. This is something you’re living with, something that makes life harder, but it doesn’t define you. Health OCD is real, and it’s okay to acknowledge that this is a huge struggle. The truth is, you made it through. You’ve done it. You’ve faced those terrifying, suffocating fears, and you are still here. You’ve survived every wave of panic, even when you thought you wouldn’t. You have always made it through, even when it felt unbearable. That is no small thing. You are tired. You’ve lost time to fear, time spent searching for reassurance. It’s frustrating to feel like so much energy has been spent on things that never happened. But please don’t be hard on yourself. This is a battle you didn’t choose, and you’ve done the best you could. This is hard, and it’s okay to acknowledge how hard it is. The fear doesn’t define who you are. Your anxiety is not who you are. You are so much more than these thoughts and feelings. The next time the anxiety comes, when the panic creeps in and your brain starts searching for certainty again, come back to this truth: You’ve been through it before. You’ve made it through every time. Each wave of fear, each moment when you thought it would never end, has passed. You survived it. And you’ll survive it again. You don’t need to know everything right now. You don’t need all the answers. It’s okay to sit with uncertainty. The fear you feel is not a sign that something bad will happen. It’s just anxiety, and it will pass. You’ve got this. You’ve already proven how strong you are. You’ve already shown yourself that you can handle it, even when it feels impossible. So now, it’s time to let go of the shame, the doubt, and the endless search for answers. You are enough as you are, right now, in this moment, with all the uncertainty. You’ve faced fear before, and you’ll face it again—stronger, wiser, and more capable than ever. Each time you’ve made it through, you’ve built resilience. And this time, you’ll stand even taller. You are capable. You are stronger than you know. And you are never alone in this.

Does anyone else use substances to escape your OCD spiral? A few years ago I never would have dreamed of it, until my OCD flared up during 2020. Now I use cannabis to calm my brain down which is dangerous for me as its 50/50 it'll calm me down or make me panic or will push me down the existential rabbit hole. Alcohol is a big one for me, too. Was asked to admit I was an alcoholic this year. Unfortunately, also a symptom of my OCD. When the guilt and paranoia is this extreme, I'd rather take the 50/50 chance than still in this deadly cycle. I might delete this if it causes me too much paranoia, but this is my first post here and I'm happy to meet all of you.

For example, I kissed my dog’s lower back, above her tail affectionately. She looks like a potato, and absolutely adore her. I said “a kiss to your booty.” My sister said that was weird to say, but I’m not sure how serious she was. I tried my best to shrug it off because I don’t think my intentions were harmful. I do anxious when I get near my pets because my OCD attacks them badly. I see them like my children so I feel like it’s almost a variation of POCD. However, because I was anxious giving her affection, I feel like I did something I shouldn’t have especially with my sister’s comment. I know I am overthinking but I hate how often things like this happen and how they never seem to get easier. Anyone else? Any advice?

this summer i told my nail tech about my thoughts (i didnt know about rocd back then) she triggered me real bad telling me that maybe i dont love him anymore and i dint want to accept it beacuse i dont want to hurt him, that made a big impact on me. Today i did my nails and she asked me about my problem, i was very triggered, she asked me if i had something that i dont like about him, i told her that is a mental disorder that many people have but luckily she kinda understood and i left because i was done. It really triggered me, i dont know how to feel and what i feel. Today was my first time saying maybe i do maybe i dont to my thoughts, i dont know if it did something, i feel like a liar. I am affraid this is my truth. My mother tells me to pray, i am catholic, i pray every night but im just very scared. As im writing this i dont know what i feel. What do you suggest ?:(

I’ve been going a few months now without having to constantly write on here, but life seems to be handing me issues that I can’t seem to handle and it’s getting bad again. I don’t really socialise with people much at the moment so when I do go out with friends I’m constantly overthinking what I say or do. Like conversations stuck in my brain and I make up scenarios. I just wanna be able to move forward with things instead of thinking and thinking. It’s exhausting

Hi I won’t disclose my name or age but I am young and still live with my family I have 3 siblings all of them live out of the house I struggle with a dad who screams all the time and has always been aggressive he has done a lot for me in the sense of taking me on trips and providing but when I comes to emotional stuff or caring what I think at all he ignores me and tries to say I’m being dramatic and push down my emotions. I also have a very Christian mom she has been 7th day Adventist since I was around 11 and she tells me everyday to get ready bc the world is going to end and we will all die she forces Jesus on me a lot. I am Christian and I do believe in God but it can be hard sometimes when I try to tell her something sensitive and that is her only answer. I argue with both of them a lot and have trouble handling my emotions so I sit in my room all day after work or school. The only time I really talk to them is when I need something so they always think I’m using them and that’s not what I want but I can barely talk to either of them without getting mad or upset about something. If you have any questions ask me I will explain more but can I please get some advice on how to fix this.

(for context, read my other posts) I feel like no one responds to my posts (even if that’s not true). I think it might be because it seems like I’m asking for reassurance, or maybe it’s just the algorithm. I just want to talk to someone who has similar experiences or can relate. I’m really desperate.

Me and boyfriend did some things together, and he was leading it. He did something to me that we both werent ready for. him touching/massaging my private. I felt good in the moment and after it happend he felt guilty. and I felt guilty with God about it. We talked it out and he apologized and took accountability for it about not asking before doing it. and I still an anxious about it? Im not able to cope or process it. I get scared if what if it was sexual assult? And im uncomfortable by the fact that it happend. Whenever I think about my partner it plagued my view and positive thoughts about him. How can I process and cope and move on the fact that it happend? Anxious and afraid some advice? ❤️

(please read if you have advice :( ) I wanted to start this thread off by saying, I am trying my hardest to not ask for reassurance. Anyways, ever since a kid I’ve been very hyper sexual, I don’t really remember the first memory or incident that caused this, but I do remember growing up , having unrestricted Internet, access, and other kids doing things to me, whether it was a cousin, family, friend, or friend at school, and also walking in on family members doing things that children should not be seeing(sometimes the family didn’t care to not let me see :( )I would self pleasure all the time, even in inappropriate areas. Whether it was at school, around family, and I even would go on Omegle at the young age of nine and talk to old men. Throughout my whole life I have just been very hyper sexual, which is hard to deal with ever since I got diagnosed with OCD, as my brain sexualizes, even my intrusive thoughts. The thoughts revolve around my family, my pets, and kids. Self Pleasure has become a compulsion, something that has become extremely repetitive, as I use it to ease the intrusive thoughts and groinal responses, but it doesn’t work therefore it just puts me in a loop. I do not want to harm anybody and I sure as hell do not want to be attracted to these things. But in the moment, the sensations and thoughts feel like this is something I actually want. It’s hard for me to feel content with this being OCD given the history of my childhood and even growing up while being a teenager. I really just want all of this to go away as it is mental torture for me. This has been going on for years, specifically the OCD as I got diagnosed with it when I was 15. I don’t know what was going on before I got diagnosed, I can only assume it was OCD also. I really just don’t know what to do, I’m scared to talk to therapist, even though I have talked to one before, it’s just that therapist with someone I was extremely comfortable with, but unfortunately had to stop speaking with them. This OCD stuff just feels so real, it comes with feelings, sensations, thoughts, urges, that feel extremely real. I would rather take myself off this earth than hurt anybody in any of those ways. I feel like I’m lying to you, as if I am a fraud, hiding behind OCD. Any advice is welcome thank you for reading if you have.