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the NOCD Community

It’s just a movie it’s just a movie… they’re just actors they’re just actors…

Tw I'm sad that it seems people don't need me, including my friends and whoever I could get into a relationship with. They could all just have someone else, and it wouldn't really affect them if I wasn't around. It feels devastating, and my perception of relationships has dramatically changed in the last few years

I've been struggling so hard with trans ocd lately. specifically fears that I'm a trans man, and that I'll have to come out and I'll be abandoned for it. granted, I'm already nonbinary. I love being feminine, but I realized I wished I could be feminine in a gender non-conforming way. I hate that being feminine just makes me 'basically a girl' since I was born one. I wish I could be more like when a man is hyperfeminine/looks like a women. like a mix of both and i get envious seeing men wearing anything super feminine like colorful makeup/lipstick or dresses or wtv. There's parts of me I wish were more masculine like a flat chest but I also still love how I look with a feminine body. anyways, I started trying masculine terms for myself because I like them. I don't mind some feminine terms too though, i just prefer neutral or masculine. I know there's no wrong way to be nonbinary. But now my ocd is just telling me I want to be a man and I'm just in denial. and that when I come out my family will either hate me or abandon me. I've done ERP on my own for this since my therapist is out for a while but it only helps briefly and then the anxiety hits me again. weirdly, I'm not really out as nonbinary either but it's specifically coming out as a trans man that gives me anxiety. I don't know. I've been struggling with this for like 3 weeks now, I just want it to be over. I'm sick of being anxious all the time. I feel like I don't know myself.

Hi everyone! first post here and been recently diagnosed with OCD and one of my biggest issues/subtypes is the constant feel that I’m going to regret something or the ‘future me’ is going to be mad about something I choose to do now, this can range from getting piercings or tattoos to reconnecting or reconciling with friends after arguments/misunderstandings. For years before I got diagnosed or knew it was OCD I would just avoid everything that made me feel this way but since being diagnosed I’ve realised that, that made me not do anything really and I’ve missed out on a lot of experiences…does anyone else have this? it’s like a content nagging that ‘you’ll regret this!’ Or ‘what if it doesn’t work out then you’ll be mad you did this and full of guilt and shame!’ I’ve been told it’s in the ’moral scrupulosity’ subtype but I’ve not seen or heard anyone describe it like that, just wanting to know if anyone else experiences this? do you have any strategies to know how to identify these thoughts are OCD rather than ‘intuition’ Or a ‘gut feeling’ sorry for the rambling - hope everyone here has been doing well over the holidays.

hi. my boyfriend and i are in our 20’s and have been together for three months. we have been through a lot together and we’ve seen the best and worst parts of each other. i know three months isn’t a long time but for us, it feels like we’ve been together a lot longer than that. we click so easy, get along really well and i want to see this relationship as my last. i feel like i have trust issues from my past relationships and trauma but i remember that he is not those people from my past and i am learning more and more about him every day and become more and more comfortable as the days go by. unfortunately, my boyfriend does not see it this way. he is always afraid that i’m going to cheat on him and that people are out to get him. this is an every day thing. it is a little exhausting mentally to remind him every day that i want to be with him and that i would never do anything to hurt him like that. i have never been that person and i love way too hard to hurt anyone’s heart like mine has. i feel like this is getting in the way of us being happy and content and i have no idea how to help him calm the worries he has. we dont like spending time apart but do from time to time and he thinks that i’m having other people over at my house or that i’m out doing something behind his back when i’m really just sitting at home taking care of myself. i don’t know what to do in these situations because he always thinks i’m lying when i tell him i’m not doing these things behind his back. i am in love with him and adore who he is and have no problem reminding him of my love for him and how far i would go for him but my mental health is not where like i feel it should be because of his trust issues and accusations. advice?

I’m new here sorry if i’m doing this wrong but these last days my thoughts are getting more and more frequent, and my usual compulsions are getting longer and it’s harder to make the thought go away, like my usual mental rituals don’t work like they used to and I have to do them x2, c4 or even x6 before I can leave the image behind. I don’t know if my ocd is getting worse since it did worsen this year or if it’s just this period, since it has been worse for certain time periods before but anyway i’m doing really bad these days and I’m struggling to exist in peace and go on with my day so how can I manage this?

Does anyone else just worry they feel ‘off’ or have anxiety because they are suppressing what they really are? And they don’t even have ocd. It feels so real and like I’ve just supressed it but I love my boyfriend and don’t wann not be with him. It’s also been Xmas and I’m on a plane from the uk to Australia for a month long trip so it could be ocd trying to attack that or it could be what I said up there, denial

LONG BUT PLEASE READ I’ve never had ROCD before my relationship that ended 2 weeks ago. He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met, our first date there was in INSTANT connection and immediate comfort. From night 1 we could talk about anything, whether it be dumb or funny or embarrassing or about past mistakes and traumas. Things were amazing for 3 weeks and then I wasn’t having a good time/was in a down mood during one of our hangouts and that’s when the first set of intrusive thoughts came in followed by insane anxiety and sickness. He stuck by through it all when I felt genuinely suicidal at the thought of losing him and for once took myself to get help which resulted in a voluntary 5 day stay at a crisis unit. The day I got out I was still down but knew I was going to see him and immediately got filled with insane excitement and happiness as I got closer to my apartment where he was waiting for me (with flowers and my favorite candy). That night he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was giddy hopping around my apartment for hours. The 5 day stay resulted in me losing my job and a week later my electric and gas got shut off, in the middle of July, and I went to stay with him until I could get it back on which quickly ended up with me moving in with him. Then things were amazing again for about 3.5 months and we got our own apartment. He is tall and skinny and I’m almost as tall but chunky and a lot heavier than I want to be so I wanted to lose weight (always have) and he was so supportive he did a workout with me that I came up with. I must have pushed myself too hard because we had to stop early and I threw up. That made me miss work the next day which made me anxious because I grew up poor and was always stressed about money especially as an adult. That anxiety and stress made me throw up again and that happened 2 days in a row, after the initial working out night. On the third day my mind told me I was losing feelings for him and boom there it was again, that crazy anxiety I felt after 3 weeks. After a long talk I told him my brain just keeps saying we need to break up. We didn’t because once I calmed down I was like wait I don’t want that. That night I had a handful of pills ready but got scared and woke him up and told him I needed to go back to the crisis unit. The next morning I went and stayed for 2 days. This time he came to visit me. I’d be so excited to see him but scared to leave. On the third evening he convinced me to come home but we didn’t even make it all the way back, 20 minutes away, without me having that anxiety again. He drove me back to the place because I was freaking out and said I need to go back but we had a very serious talk before I went back in. I don’t remember his exact words but it became clear to me I was likely going to lose him if I went back in and a switch flipped where I told myself no I can beat this and we went home. Ever since that second time it has never gone away. I may be okay for a few days or hours or weeks but it always comes back. WHY?! Why did this happen in my first good relationship with someone who was ridiculously similar to me and our future goals align 100% and he loves me unconditionally? I have bipolar type 2, and anhedonia when I’m down and that is a lot, which I think made a huge impact but I spent the last year and a half going back and forth from being on cloud 9 loving him to questioning my feelings and everything about our connection. We’ve been broken up for 2 weeks but talk everyday and have spent time with each other at least 5x. I thought us breaking up would stop this but it hasn’t. I’m still trying to figure out if I love him and we should be together. The problem is there are so many mental, physical and trauma factors at play here and I can’t tell what is the truth or what is a fear response. I’ve never had a long term relationship and a home with somebody. I don’t think I even know what love is.

I hope people can relate but I have been having issues with obsessive thoughts and they have been effecting me really badly.

I have noticed that I have anxiety when getting intimate with my boyfriend. I struggle with mainly the aftermath of it: feeling like any object or surface that is touched after sex is contaminated by fluids. Usually after intimacy we watch tv and lay in the bed and the sheets aren't usually changed within a certain time, maybe like a couple of weeks after. So anything that touches the sheets after, like clothes or tv control, I get highly anxious about touching it. I've been struggling with this a lot to the point where my relationship has developed issues. Any advice on how to cope?

tw: su1cide. i feel so bad that i could easily choose death if it were painless. i'm a little afraid of dying, of stopping breathing.. life has no meaning for me for a while now, i feel apathy and a strong discouragement. now, with this problem, i really see myself as a despicable human being and impossible to "get it right". i feel bad about this, because it was a problem that i "hunted" with my own hands. i feel this. i can't stand the doubt, the pain, the thoughts against and the thoughts in favor anymore. it drives me crazy, takes away my peace and my happiness. i didn't have many good feelings before this problem, as far as i can remember..my memory is cloudy and i can't say anything about myself anymore. but i have the desire and the will to be a good person, to be kind, to be normal, to mean something good and to have a positive impact on the lives of the people around me. it seems like i discovered i was a horrible, paraphilic human being.. i am not invalidating the struggle of criminal paraphiliacs who fight against their desires, i am just reinforcing that if i were a person like that, i wouldn't be able to handle it and i wouldn't have the same strength. i hate my body, my appearance, my mind and the way i behave. being born was a big mistake, even though I'm not to blame. i wanted to try something that would take me out of that world, idk..but i still worry about my family members because i will die with them having a good view of me, and that makes me uncomfortable. because i don't feel like a good person. i'm just tired.

Does anyone else have thoughts like mine? While I try not to compare, I know how mine has been very specific lately. For example, I have been on this same theme for a month now. Basically, it started from a black guy I saw at target and I thought “He’s cute.” I went into a spiral and was compulsive by telling my sisters and my boyfriend. Then I would have more thoughts because this one time I shook a protein bottle while looking at another black guy, and he looked at me, I felt the anxiety as I was doing it, I also did compulses by telling my sister and boyfriend, I even had the thought of “what if I liked it?” Later throughout that week, and for some reason this worked, I told myself “I liked it.” And then that gave me the continued thoughts of “I didn’t like it, ha. I knew it” I mean, I was gagging and almost threw up from it and I was talking back to my OCD. The doubt and the uncertainly what was killing me. Now, my brain and my body gets nervous around black guys. Sometimes, scared. For example, this morning this black man called to schedule his mother’s mammogram, I was pretty rude and I wasn’t polite, on purpose. Because I didn’t want to seem friendly and I didn’t want my OCD to be fed anything off of the conversation like “How was my tone talking to them?” Or “Did they think I was being flirty?” So I was very or as monotone as I could be. Most likely because in the morning, and lately I have been having thoughts for weeks, they can go like “ I want a big black cock” “I want a big strong black man” “I like black men” “I want a black man to string me out” “I wonder how it would be to suck black cock, I’m curious” The last one was from this morning, and it started to make me gag, I ended up taking my Lexapro: and at this point, there’s times where these thoughts will rotate around my head. And they can come while I’m talking to my boyfriend and I get distracted. Sometimes, I’m able to be sexual with him and I’m okay. Other times, I had a dream about my ex and then thought of their dick, I didn’t have an image of it, because it’s been years, but my mind went there. Lately, the Lexapro has been doing good at calming me down. This morning, it was hard since I was gagging and I felt dizzy since last night. Sometimes, I feel my heart beating so fast. I’ve been able to let the thoughts pass and go. But when I see a black guy I get scared, I believe this started because of the first scenario that started all this at target and when I told my boyfriend he said that most of my thoughts have been about black men and that I might like them. I know these are intrusive thoughts, and even when I’m not anxious, I am worried what if I enjoy my thoughts and I used to relay on my feelings to prove to me I didn’t, even when I would cry and gag. But this morning I literally went “Nooooo” when I had the thought because I let it go on my mind. I read that the Lexapro and OCD can have other people have these moments and that the thoughts get worse before they get better, cause, back then, if I was off medication, I would probably compulse or gag all day/leave work. So some progress is better than none at least (: I used to worry I was cheating, and now I know that it isn’t that, and that these thoughts are coming out of my control, it even feels like a different voice, it’s my voice but it feels like an outsider, not something I am or actually “thought” even thought I thought it. Does anyone else have this too? What are some tips to handle this? My psychiatrist appointment will not be until February so I wanted to calm myself down a bit since I have a time away until I can vent to a professional. Thank you!

i’ve had this theme over and over throughout the years but everytime i spiral i get so scared. I keep asking myself if i think im having ocd if if im being fr. I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

I had an incredible moment with god today and I was so happy and then I had an intrusive thought saying “what if that was the devil” and I immediately rebuked it and thinking “why would I say that” and now I’m freaking out. I need help

I have been dating my bf for over 2 years now and he is so, so patient, kind, caring, forgiving, understanding, and loving. He makes me feel seen and loved even when I can’t love myself. He has been with me through everything and we never once yelled at me ever. We sometimes get upset or disagree but we talk through everything instead of blowing up. He is truly everything I ever dreamed of and he is the man I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. With that being said, that’s why I am here because I can’t seem to control my emotions sometimes. I blow up over little things and overthink everything. We are now doing long distance in college and it’s honestly a beautiful thing, but im struggling because I love my school and he hates his. We have always been a Christian couple who goes to church together and works to keep God at the center of our relationship. It is important to me and I know it is important to him, but since going to this school, he has started to become more sad and said himself that keeping up with religion sounds like too much work and he doesn’t really care about it. Neither of us also drink, me because I had a traumatic experience and him bc he was never interested. However, now he is becoming interested but it’s a very sensitive subject for me and I’m freaking out about how he is straying from God and becoming interested in things we swore we never were. I just need advice. I know College is a weird time. He is driven and not the type to completely go off the rails but I still have that fear lingering in my mind. Am I over reacting? If he does stray away, how do I stand by him and continue to show him love? I just have so many worries and I can’t seem to control them. And ofc I take those worries out on him. I just want to help myself so that I can positively grow our relationship.

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

The main themes that I struggle with are Real Event and Moral Scrupulously, but when I read posts about other people’s mistakes and real event obsessions, I struggle so hard to relate. The posts usually talk about something that the person did when they were a child, or an action that is morally grey at worst. I’m not saying this to downplay anyone’s struggles, because no matter how “severe” the event is, the emotional pain it causes is all the same. But my events were genuinely very bad. And they happened when I was an adult. I had practically no moral compass and was I incredibly self serving. I’ve been thinking about all of my harmful behaviors and misdeeds almost nonstop for years now. But it feels like a cop out to try and treat this constant rumination like OCD, because my events are so bad that I truly believe this is just the consequences of my actions. I don’t think I’m supposed to feel better. I might not even have OCD. No matter how much I confess and how much I am forgiven, I always feel like I will never be able to do enough to make up for my past. It especially kills me when my girlfriend treats me so well, as she has been the one who has had to endure the most fallout and consequences from my shitty actions. No matter how much I tell her, there is always another detail, another confession lurking just around the corner. It truly feels like nobody actually knows me. I don’t feel like I can be genuinely loved after all I’ve done. I don’t feel human. Normal humans don’t behave the way that I did. Normal humans self reflect and practice empathy. Normal humans can put other people’s feelings above their own selfish desires. I learned how to do this far too late, and now I am stuck inside the body of someone I desperately hate. I’m sorry if this doesn’t really belong here, I just need to scream into the void for a bit :/

Hello! Does anyone here ever feel like they have to ask people over and over again for confidentiality? I have a lot of people in my life that are part of my recovery and my OCD feels like it needs 100 percent certainty that my info will be kept secret. The thing is a lot of times it is really sensitive info! However, it feels like the more I ask the more I have to keep asking other ppl which clues me in to the fact that it’s not a normal thing. I was wondering if anyone else deals with this?

Does anyone who has a history with porn ever worry that they have seen inappropriate or even illegal videos without intending to see them? When I was a teenager I remember watching a lot of videos but searched for other people my age for some reason and found both fictional and real videos on normal sites. As an adult, I remember being disgusted by seeing people make playlists of videos having underaged people or them doing normal things but pedos that advantage of this stuff which is so disgusting. When I relapse on porn and strictly try to find perfectly legal things to watch on YouTube, this stuff is still here and it's so gross. When I was s teenager I just didn't think I knew better consequence wise because I was so young and was so focused on the excitement but I remember being 18 and clicking on a playlist out of curiosity because I was hoping it wasn't real I guess or that there would be people strictly against it. When I did it was a creep asking for how young they were and the uploader knew. Through all of this I was filled with anxiety, scared, and just sick. I feel like I'm awful for this because I clicked on it while near the end of watching videos and that's what makes me freak out about it. As an adult I've never searched for anything like that and I hope the false memories saying otherwise aren't true. I really hope not because I have one event that says I was 18 and did it but I think I was 17 or 16 going on 17. Overall I'm trying to quit watching this stuff for good because it's damaged be in many different ways for many years now. It's keeping me from being my best self and even keeping me from pursuing relationships. I just don't want to waste anymore of my time on it. I always tell myself this and I end up going back to it anyway because I just get so overwhelmed with life.