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Anyone struggle with this with having ocd?

as the title says. i am trying, i really am but i cant help but think that i have been gay this whole time. it feels like i can never be happy again unless i come out. i cant do it anymore. everyday is hard. there are not easy days. i just want to love my partner and i cant. i look at him and i get this wave of anxiety and guilt. why can i just be me again? i miss the days there this was just a past thing. i feel alone and i feel stuck like this forever. my heart hurts all the time. i am trying to sit with uncertainty but i cant because it feels certain and that i know i am gay but i dont want to be. its really really sad. i hate my life and i need it to end. bye.

I went to bed one night in November, and I can't quite say what happened, but I believed that I had a "memory" from childhood. I won't discuss what, but I had "remembered" doing something sickeningly awful. This thing came to me almost as clear as a real memory. I remember thinking something along the lines of 'How could I forget doing something like that?' followed by a feeling of complete horror and terror. I have moments of "clarity" where I can't believe that I'm questioning doing this thing, and it appears obvious that it's false. But now, I'm more than often believing that I did. I am spending 24/7 fighting my head, and it's taking me to dark places. I know this is the worst thing to do, but you don't understand, if this is real then I am a monster and I can't just adopt the 'maybe I did, maybe I didn't approach'. I just can't. I have to know. I'm so scared. My entire life is on the line. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Literally no one. I feel like I'm insane, like I'm a monster, like I'm hiding my true identity from everyone I love. Does this sound like False Memory? Or am I in denial, trying to convince myself this didn't happen? Why does it feel so real? And why do I have moments of clarity? I also had my first nightmare about it last night. Please someone help me.

does anyone else experience extreme fear of developing psychosis or schizophrenia or derealization. I literally freak myself out so much that it makes me physically sick. I’m so scared of developing these and it keeps coming up all over my TikTok and Google. It’s freaking me out.

I’ve been struggling a lot with existential OCD lately, but for some reason, I’ve been fixating on the human body. And I can’t stop thinking about how incredible it is. Like, we’ve figured out how our bodies work, down to the smallest cell. We understand every pulse, every beat. We know how the heart—this intricate, delicate thing—keeps us alive without us ever having to ask it to. And if we did ask it to, it wouldn’t respond. It wouldn’t listen to our conscious brain. If your heart is failing, asking it to work wouldn’t do anything. The heart itself is a masterpiece. It’s not just a pump; it's a rhythm, a beat that holds everything together. Four chambers, valves opening and closing with precision, blood flowing in perfect cycles, never missing a beat. It keeps us alive even when we’re not thinking about it, doesn’t need our permission to keep going. It works for us, endlessly, without complaint. It’s kind of wild when you think about it. Our minds might spin out of control, but the body? The body’s got it all figured out, like it’s always working in the background, quietly supporting us. It’s beautiful that way—how the heart just keeps beating, how we keep going, even when we forget to appreciate it. The most wonderful part, we can be us. I can be a conscious person, while my body is almost robotic, all to keep my consciousness here. It’s scary sometimes, to think that we have no control. But right now, to me, it’s beautiful.

im having a unusually hard flare up for two months. ive never had it this bad before (ive had this on and off for many years - thank god not constantly.) lately, i keep having these images in my head and scenarios in my head of me "coming out" in the future and ending my relationship with my amazing fiance who i love dearly. he knows everything but i still feel like i am constantly lying to him, my family, and friends. i need to know that this is something the SO-OCD can do to you? the weird thing is, is that i have never been attracted to woman. i do admire their beauty and wish to LOOK like them or have a specific feature they have, but i dont have any urges to like be with them yet i am dealing with this really bad flare up. My brain keeps telling me that since i have never tried it, i would never know, and i am just getting really distressed from it. i just want to be happy again and it seems impossible. I am convinced i am only person that is using SO-OCD as an excuse. Any guidance or advice, or anything really, will help. i just feel alone and scared and sad all the time.

I’m really struggling with something related to me ocd, and I would appreciate kind and supportive advice. If you can’t relate or don’t think anything you have to say would be helpful, I kindly ask pls refrain from commenting this is a really sensitive topic for me. Recently, I’ve noticed a pattern that feels something extremely new and distressing. The first time it happened I remember telling myself before self pleasuring that I am in control no matter what thought comes into my mind because I wanted to prove to myself that these thoughts are just from OCD and I know who I am and an intrusive that came out of no where, and i suddenly felt an intense fear that I was acting on it. In the moment I genuinely felt like I did. And afterword, I panicked and started questioning myself. This SAME FEELING has happened three times in a row each time, the intrusive thought was unwanted and random, and completely against my morals most recently it involved pocd and it feels even worse because it generally felt like I acted on it the thought in the moment while I was self pleasuring the panic doesn’t hit until afterwards when I stop :/ I start thinking that maybe I generally made a mistake and I’m now just realizing that it’s wrong because it generally feels like that :( but when I actually think about it again goes against my morals and values doesn’t make sense it feels incredibly real, and I can’t seem to shake this feeling off that I may have acted on it I’m terrified because I never wanted these thoughts in the first place. And I definitely didn’t choose them. If I had known, I would’ve had these intrusive thoughts I wouldn’t have self pleasured in the first place but it’s extremely hard to convince myself that this may be OCD because I feel like I have no other reason to believe that I didn’t act on it :/

I’ll cut a long story short… SOCD/ HOCD was one of the first themes I got when I was a teenager. The first one was health but I didn’t know that was OCD at the time. Anyway, I have had SOCD for 11 years. Sometimes it leaves me alone and it feels like I’m my own self again! Don’t get me wrong it lingers but I manage. But… IT IS BACK!!! My head is telling me that I am a lesbian and that I need to just admit it. I hate it. I have a boyfriend who I love unconditionally and this has just sprung out of a dream I had -.- I don’t want to be a lesbian! The groinal responses have always been the worst. It started when I was around 16, I woke up one morning and my brain just said ‘you’re a lesbian’, as you can imagine I freaked out, panic attack and cried. Then, my brain starts looking into my childhood… well it’s had a field day. When I was around 9 my friend showed me girls kissing on YouTube and then I suppose I got addicted to it. I then used to play on Habbo and walk up to girls and say ‘kisses’ etc. my brain is now saying that this is evidence that I’m gay. I DONT WANT TO BE A LESBIAN!!! I have no issues with gay people, I just don’t want to be gay myself. Sometimes, when the thoughts come in I don’t seem to get anxious but I get groinals and that freaks me out! I just want peace. I hate this. I get so many different themes. Now it’s this one and I just want to crawl under my duvet, sleep until they’re gone but then I end up dreaming about it!!!

I’m turning 30 in a few months and all I can think about how my Parents never took the initiative to actually help me when it came to my mental illness. Now my OCD is probably the worst it’s ever been and I feel like I can’t do anything. Like I’m trapped in a tunnel and there’s no way out. I’ve gone from job to job, never fully finished my degree due to severe OCD/depression never making enough money for professional help and being gaslighted all these years about my illness. I resent my family and myself for not trying hard enough to get better. If anyone can relate feel free to share. Anyways I pray this year will be the year I find my out.

Hi everyone, I’ve been struggling a lot with my thoughts and feelings about my boyfriend. He’s an amazing person—kind, loving, and supportive—but I constantly feel like I’m faking everything. It’s like I’m a liar pretending to love him, and deep down, I don’t actually want to be with him. Whenever he tells me he loves me or shows affection, I feel guilty because I think, What if I don’t love him back? It feels so real, like the truth is staring me in the face and I’m just refusing to accept it. I keep asking myself: Am I just staying with him because I’m used to him? What if I’ve never truly loved him? What if I’m a bad person for stringing him along? I don’t feel anything when we kiss or when he’s sweet to me, and that terrifies me. Sometimes I even feel irritated by him or like I don’t want to be around him, and then the guilt becomes unbearable because I know he doesn’t deserve that. This constant analyzing is taking over my life. I can’t even tell what’s real anymore. Am I lying to myself because I’m scared to face the truth? Or is this just my anxiety distorting everything? I feel like such a horrible person for even having these thoughts. If anyone has felt like this, please let me know how you managed to deal with it. I’m exhausted and just want to feel like myself again. he is also at my house amd i feel numb he tries to make me understand that i do like him and i feel so bad.

Does anyone like go through waves. Your mind is super silent maybe a couple of thoughts but you are able to brush it off? But then out of nowhere your mind just starts rushing with every thought? If so, how do you cope with this? It drains me.

Really bad theme right now is death, I keep thinking about how one day or at any moment my heart will stop my brain will stop & my memories & everything I know will all fade away. It is giving me so much anxiety I’m only 18, but I realize it all happens to us it is bound, we are born to die. I know it’s a silly thing to be scared because it’s not helping the quality of my life worrying about it and even when I do die, I won’t care , if you don’t have a working brain then how can you care 🤷‍♀️. It is tainting my everyday life currently & honestly making me terribly depressed & it is giving me derealization & making me feel nihilistic, I’ll remind myself it’s okay but then with my ocd i don’t stop thinking and thinking about it and it’s seriously so hard to stay present in the moment because this thought just feels like I can’t scrub it away it’s miserable I struggle with religion, but I do pray to anything that’s out there possibly listening, because it is comforting, it just feels like this whole experience Is pointless & I am afraid of the unknown and what is to possibly happen but I’m subjected to it anyways so why should it matter

So for a while i have been suffering of HOCD combined with a little of ROCD and had massive episodes of anxiety and panic attacks, because of that I lost my attraction and my libido while also being in a relationship and that stresses me bad. Also since the start of the severe anxiety I started to lose it gradually over time and at the moment I do not feel any anxiety anymore while having these thoughts which makes me think that I want this to happen because they don’t disgust me anymore. Any advices on how to hold on and get over my OCD? Also is the disappearing of disgust a sign of recovery or denial?

I am so so so anxious, I cant even describe it. I have this horrific anxious feeling going through my body where it feels like im about to do something terrible. I feel incredibly sick, shakey, panicky. Due to this harm ocd episode. I am so scared that I might act on a disgusting horrific harm intrusive thought. I dont wanna be near knives, go to the kitchen or even get up. As im so scared that Im going to act on it. I know I dont want to but this anxiety and horrid feeling makes me feel like i do. I am petrified the anxiety is terrifying. I sat in the kitchen earlier while my brother was close and I was scared because it feels so real even typing this im starting to panic. Please respons please and please say if your uk based it brings me a bit of comofrt as I know im not alone in this country! What makes it worse is my family were talking about their aspirations and dreams then i felt even more scared of the intrusive thoughts because if i did act on them they would be destroyed and then I also feel so much guilt cos i get scared my bf is scared of me has anyone had this does it go.

I don’t know how to stop confessing. It’s driving me insane. I confess every little thing to my boyfriend. I confessed that I liked attention (this is so obviously human), that I liked it when people found me pretty (also very human??) I confessed about a million other things and I feel out of control. I felt so safe with him last night that it just started pouring out of me. I felt guilty and awful and I just needed release, I couldn’t breathe I felt like I was dying. I’m stuck in a confessing loop and I know I’m only making things worse. Has anyone experienced this and been able to overcome it? It feels absolutely horrible and impossible. I tried to ERP this and I genuinely feel like I am suffocating if I hold off. I feel so disappointed in myself, but I can’t seem to stop. I even had a dream where I confessed to him and woke up needed to confess that. I’m scared I’ll start sharing my worst intrusive thoughts I’ve had if I feel too safe around my bf. Help please :(

I've found myself writhing on the ground from intrusive thoughts of my past. I have bruises all over from me hitting myself. Every waking moment is a nightmare, I can't do anything. Can't let people be mean. But standing up for myself turns into cruelty. Cruelty turns into a loathing, and then I fear that everyone hates me. I wish I could die, and live again. I don't want to lose my life, but I can't live like this.

Hey guys I’m thinking on starting ssri but I’m very scared it will change me and my personality idk. I am a mom and I’m worried I’ll be more of a burden. I just want to be fight for me. My Dr suggested meds. I have been having anxiety for 9 + years and I’m stuck and I know I need a change

Happy New Year's Eve! I know this time of year might leave us feeling down. If anyone has anything they want to talk about, or if you'd like to vent/talk about something getting you down, or if you just want to chat, or anything, I'd love to listen! :) It can or doesn't have to do with the holidays. (And don't worry about being a downer on a holiday, I'd like to listen if you want to talk about anything that's bothering you) If you need something specific out of a conversation (i.e. you just want me to listen and don't want me to comment or give my opinions or thoughts), let me know and I'd be happy to oblige! And, of course, I'm no therapist. Just thought I'd give that disclaimer. Also, if I respond in a way that seems like the conversation would logically be over but you still want to talk, I'll still be ready to listen! Sometimes I don't have a bunch to comment, but I'll listen for as long as you want to talk! And here's a fire for a fireside chat if you want 🪑🔥🪑🛋 Love you guys!

I've been bedridden with anxiety and haven't eaten much. I tried going on a walk and broke down halfway through to cry. It kind if helped my physical anxiety but hasn't helped my ocd much. ERP is so difficult. It just makes me exhausted and anxious and cry. And I don't even feel a little better afterwards, so what's the point? I get I'm supposed to build up resilience but when? when do I finally feel some reward? I'm suffering, I don't have the energy to fight these thoughts when all the thoughts I have are rumination or intrusive. Medications haven't worked for me either. Maybe I'm not going to get better. Happy new year to me.

I'm so tired 😭 I've been dealing with severe trans ocd for a month. My ocd is making me worry I'm a trans man. The thing is. I'm already out as nonbinary. I also compulsively confessed to my mom and told her I'm anxious I'll realize I'm a trans man and that I'm scared she'll hate me/abandon me. And she told me she would support me through it and my life even if she didn't understand it and that she wouldn't abandon me. I do like some masculine terms and I like he pronouns, I prefer they/them though. And I don't mind she, but I dont let people use it because I know they'll use it to misgender me. and that doesnt mean im a man. But I also don't know what I actually like/feel or what's OCD making me think I like/feel.. I can't stop ruminating and feeling like I need to label my gender pass nonbinary and think about if I feel like a man or not. So even when my biggest fear was denied I'm still anxious.