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the NOCD Community

My hocd kinda came back in the last few weeks but I've been going to therapy and I feel like I've got this. I'm going through some depression right now but I know it will be alright. I noticed that when my obsession disappeared I would constantly avoid that argument for fear to be triggered. Don't do that cause that still is ocd. Actually three new themes came kicking my butt afterwards. But cbt has been helpful so far so let's hope it will still be okay. If anyone needs to talk I'm here :)

Can someone turn gay ?

Constantly doubting if HOCD; wanted to talk to some fellow sufferers. what’s up everybody. I’ve been dealing with doubts and fear around my sexuality for at least 8 years. It came on in a rush when I was 20, when I had an admiring thought about a male class mate, and got an erection. I panicked and called my ma for reassurance immediately. The following 8 years have been filled with doubts. I never really wanted to date or have sex with another guy. But the last few years the intrusions into my headspace have been really bad. Especially the last few months. I decided to start seeing an OCD specialist. I’ve done all kinds of checking, testing, denying thoughts. I’ve slept with plenty of women, and still want that to be my true outcome at the end of this ordeal. However, I notice guys so much- their eyes, their muscles, sometimes how deep their voice is. Sometimes I am triggered by the word gay, related words, or even words that LOOK like the word gay when written down. I’m majorly avoidant and am just concerned that I’m in the closet and deep in denial. I have not felt that loving feeling for a woman ever since this whole thing started. I may feel attracted for awhile but then I start trying to quantify how attracted I am and it disappears. Said to my therapist the other day— I wish I could just get hit in the head with a rock and BE gay, because then I would know the answer for sure. Anyway, I’m doing ERP. I hope there are people on here that can relate to my story. God bless gay people; they have to deal with so much!

Hey everyone. I’ve been struggling with this psychosis obsession for a while now; I’m finding it hard to be alone which isn’t easy since I’ve moved country because I spend most of it alone while my wife is at work (and I don’t have many friends here) I keep thinking I’m hearing voices, I don’t know whether or not I actually am. Sometimes I’m sure it’s an intrusive thought, like I’ll get anxious and I’ll hear someone (my voice I’m sure) say like why are you anxious huh? And little stuff like that. When I’m distracted this doesn’t happen. Is there anyway to distinguish between a true voice or my own inner voice as an intrusive thought?

Why do we get supper triggered when we are a bit happy? Because I was super fine like 10 minutes ago but got triggered and now I’m down

Before my tocd I think I was in the middle of an identity crisis or something because every time I saw a girl I liked the look of I would be INTENT on being exactly like her. It could be anyone. Like I’ll be inspired by a sporty girl and immediately want to work out. If it was a badass girl I’d get a leather jacket. I’d copy their hairstyle and clothes and shit.

Looked in the mirror this morning and officially saw my ribs. Realizing how bad this is all getting and feel like there’s nothing I can do. Also my hand washing is getting worse. My hands burn and my knuckles are starting to bleed. Haven’t used the bathroom once today cause cleaning the toilet requires more energy than I have since I’m not eating ?... not eating cause I’m afraid food is contaminated. Perfectionism OCD hit me hard at work today when a coworker did something that wasn’t to my standard of perfect and I had an anxiety attack. Feel like I’m falling apart, I’m depressed, exhausted and hungry. OCD is killing me and I just want a break.

I saw this thing talking about watching vids of girls kissing when ur younger and I commented and said “I did that but I’m straight” and someone responded and said “no ur not” and now I’m super triggered ugh I don’t wanna be bi or lesbian. Someone pls help

Just curious- when did everyone get diagnosed with OCD? I’m 20 and I got diagnosed recently- however, I have had symptoms for awhile

I have a question concerning ERP. If my problem is compulsively watching videos that makes me anxious because I can’t stop myself (like an urge), or because I have to watch it to see that it’s not that scary and to get over it. If I want to apply ERP, does that mean I have to go on Internet and controlling myself and not click on stuff I dont want to watch, or actually exposing myself to them and watching them so that I get less anxious about them and eventually I won’t obsess over them anymore because they will be like neutral for me. For example now, I am thinking about a video that kinda disturbed me, but I need to remember a specific detail in the video that disturbed me so I Want to watch it again: so should I just NOT watch it because that would be a compulsion or watch it to see that it’s not actually scary and to get over it.

Does anyone else have some memories which arrive in your head out of nowhere and like make you feel guilty ? For exemple something mean you say to someone a long time ago or for me it is when I played doctor with other children in my early childhood and I feel so guilty and like and “abuser” about it whereas I guess it is a pretty common game for children How do you ignore this thoughts ? Thanks you

Anyone who recovered from tocd/hocd what did it feel like? Because I feel really stuck. I don’t feel anxious anymore. I don’t really feel that bothered but I still push my thoughts out of my brain (is this denial?) and sometimes I feel like I’ve just accepted that I’m transgender (even though im sure I’ve just accepted uncertainty.

One thing that works and I know this sounds crazy but try actually bringing on the fear. Try bring on the panic attack and try make your self anxious. Tell OCD is that all you got? give me more.! The problem we have is the fact that we’re all filled with self doubt and that doubt has made us all extremely sensitive and hyper vigilant to body symptoms, and intrusive thoughts! Ya see by deflating the fear and actually trying to call it on in times of peace you’ll find that it’s virtually impossible to become anxious! Why is this? It’s because your not afraid of anything at that particular moment. The same can work for when your having a panic attack so the first thing you need to do is ACCEPT! Accept the sensations and the body symptoms and know that they cannot hurt you. No one has ever died from a panic attack and yet tons of people wind up in the hospital after having one. They often run tests and then tell you your fine. Why do most people calm down when they get to the hospital in the middle of a panic attack? It’s because there telling themselves that they are in a safe place! That what you need to learn to do for yourself. You are your only safe place ,and you need to be the one that you need to turn to for help ! FEAR. Is not real FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. The biggest issue that we all have with OCD is it scares the fucking shit out of us! That’s unfortunately what keeps it alive and as mentioned before you need to learn to deflate the fear. Sit with it. Let it try hurt you ,and when it’s coming on strong stand up to the fucker and ask if that’s all it has! Demand more !!demand it to get stronger and to be worse! What you’ll be doing is standing up to your worst nightmare and overtime with enough practice it really starts to work. Great Audio book out there called DARE. It’s the dare response which is a lot of what I’m talking about. Hang in there you got it this ! There’s a good chance your an extremely incredible person with tons of great things going for you. Focus on the good shit and when the bad stuff comes tell it to fuck off and stand your ground. Don’t let the self doubt disease of OCD take you down. I know it’s easy said than done but what do you got to lose ! Each one of us on this page would not be here if it wasn’t for the lack of one simple method of practice called ACCEPTANCE! Only when we can learn to accept the way we think, accept that stupid fucking intrusive thought ! Accept that part of our brain is broken and accept that part of the brain cannot be healed. It can be treated! But unfortunately cannot ever be cured! We need to learn how to accept the hundreds of dark days that are yet to come and accept when things go terribly wrong !! When we all can accept and most importantly not be afraid of the thoughts we think then they lose their power. When you let your thoughts be they will let you be ! That saying comes from a recovered individual that suffered from OCD and I can tell you in my experience it does work. I’m far from Recovered myself and every fucking day is a struggle , but I still keep pushing forward! I’m not going to let this bastard take me down and I’m not giving up till she’s all said and done. I wish you and everyone on this site the best of luck and remember if you can look up you can get up

I’m afraid that these false attractions/feelings and my thoughts are real

Does anyone else deal with chronic loneliness? I think it has to do with my upbringing but I was wondering if anyone has any tips? Just to be clear, I have great long-standing close friends and a relationship, but I have trust and abandonment problems, and when I am alone it is sometimes intensely lonely. It sometimes even happens while I'm working. Just wondering if anybody who could relate might have suggestions.

I’m stressed :( I don’t know what my sexuality is right now. I’ve only ever had crushes on guys and when I think about it properly, I’d prefer to have sex with a guy. But a part of me finds women ‘sexy’ I guess? I’ve been aroused by the appearance of women before. And that scares me, because I’m worried I’m more turned on by women than men. I’ve found men attractive, and I’d want to be with them. But I don’t know if I’ve ever actually been turned on by them before. It’s more romantically I suppose. I just can’t tell why this makes me. Straight? Bi? A lesbian? And of course there’s nothing wrong with being bi or gay or anything for that matter. I just don’t know if it’s me or not. I like guys. Or maybe I just WANT to like guys... I’m scared.

I miss my humanity so much. Yall this is so weird but i always dreamt of traveling and living on an island and i just heard music i listened in the times where i dreamt of that. And it makes me so sad because all that pssion and excitement is gone and it hits me how empty i am now. I dont know for how long this will keep going.

I've told my parent about this they got worried at first then they tried to force me to ignore it saying it's all my fault and I can stop it anytime also they said I'm going to be insane or something. I told them I'm fine and here I'm suffering alone

Im alone in bed depressed 2nd time off been in bed today fearing something bads going to happen no one is here im alone but i have harm thouggts and even tho my children are sleepin out im still havin harm thoughts and scared all the time anxeity whats happening to me my brain wont let me rest i hate this ocd is ruining my life

I was doing so well with my ocd. It went away for two months and I finally felt so on top of it. I felt like recovery was right there. Now it’s back worse than ever and I just feel numb and so upset. The thoughts about being gay are back and they are so intense. I’m staring at every woman I see and her body parts and that makes me feel worse but I can’t stop it. Porn comes up on my twitter and I’m disgusted by it but I feel this need to watch it. It’s like I have too but I really don’t want too. I found lesbian porn when I was 10 years old online and I developed an addiction to it. That right there started my hocd, and I felt like I was gay. I spent all my teenage years watching the porn, and doing you know what, I also spent all those years staring at other girls wanting to look like them so badly. I think maybe that’s why I started watching lesbian porn, in my own way I just wanted to feel like a real woman and be loved by someone. Now I know i was only 10 years old but i was bullied and I never truly felt like I was accepted by kids. They laughed at my appearance and made me so sick. I stopped the lesbian porn when I turned 20. I’m now 22 and I haven’t watched it! I get urges and they make me cry and have panic attacks because I don’t want this. I’m terrified of being gay. And don’t get me wrong I’m not homophobic in the slightest. My sister is bisexual, I have also supported everyone in the lgbt and campaigned as an ally in support for them. But I don’t want to be gay. I know in my heart I am straight. And I think what makes all of this worse is I have body dysmorphia so I feel ugly and disgusting which again ties into why I think I used to watch the porn. Because I wanted to be like those girls who where effortlessly pretty. So as I said I have body dysmorphia and I’m chronically ill. So all these factors make me think that I’m never going to find a boyfriend because I feel ugly and like I’m a burden. I really needed to get all of this out because I feel so disgusting at times with my mind. My mind makes me think that I want to have a pee fetish, and watch porn, and do things to women and I don’t want that? Is there anyone else with hocd goes through this? I also have words pop into my head, like “p*ssy and other words and they are so out of the blue. I just want to feel like me again. I want to feel beautiful and in control again. I just need some help. How do I beat this? I just wanna be me.