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the NOCD Community

How's everyone doing today? I hope all is well for you. God bless each and every single one of you!

Hello, I was driving last night and i hit a bump in the road like felt like a massive pothole but the road i was driving on (i drive on it almost everyday) and i’ve convinced myself that I hit someone or something. I had my mom drive by there again about 20-30 mins later and there was nothing but she said it looked like a hole was filled by rain water. I drove by later that night and didn’t see it so I’ve convinced myself that if something happened, it was cleared out in that time. Is there anything I can do to help myself feel better.

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

Anyone else over 30 and dealing with thoughts that feel debilitating? I know I’m not alone, but I’m curious who else is with me.

I’m a 19 year old girl and I have relationship ocd. My bf (20) and I are in college and around 2 days ago he asked for a break via text and then we called after on the phone which was the last time we spoke. We’ve been doing medium/long distance (1-2hrs away from eachother). I’m his first serious relationship and girl he’s ever loved. He’s my first healthy relationship and he felt like home to me. We both date to marry and everything with him felt so finalized, as silly as it sounds. Due to life being life we haven’t been able to see eachother the past three ish weeks. During that time he became different, wasn’t as loving as he used to be, and I had to continuously ask him to call me and he only did once or twice for about 15 minutes. He’s incredibly busy and in a agricultural frat. Unfortunately, he seeks a lot of validation from his frat brothers. It’s funny too, because I absolutely hate frats since I feel like often, of course not always, but often, all frats are about partying and hookup culture. That’s ok, it’s just not my thing as that to me isn’t what I value. With my bf though, I still loved him anyway. My bf was different from the stereotypical frat guy douche. You truly would not guess that him of all people is in one. He has incredibly redeeming qualities - he’s so kind, always tries to do the right thing, is so gentle, hardworking, encouraging, sensitive and sometimes emotionally intelligent lol. Due to this he gets treated differently in the house and the brothers disrespected him constantly. He would literally cry about it in my arms or in his car multiple times. When he was in my arms I was tearing up because it hurt me to see him like that. It broke my heart, but he was always too afraid to speak up for himself. I got pissed so many times and said I will say something for him - I’d do literally anything for him to make him happy. It became very obvious to me that he’s seeking so much male validation to fit in even though he comes from a great family with two married parents, with his dad being an absolutely amazing person and two older brothers. Hes said so many times that he doesn’t belong at the frat and I agreed and would tell him it’s because he was too good for them. I think he’s changed now though, and he honestly wants to fully submerge himself into this frat. He’s also taking max credit classes and has a job. I’ve been working to transfer over to the school he is at and as of late I’ve been doing community college, doing therapy with NOCD, going to the gym, and finally getting a car and being able to drive. I find myself that in relationships I let the other persons mood define mine, and I minimize my needs to make them happier. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I was a normal person. I care so deeply about him and want the best for him and I. I think he saw that flaw in me and with the combined stress of us being busy and not seeing eachother, thought it was time for a break. We called after he sent the text and I sobbed and acted a fool on the phone and I was absolutley pissed st first but only because I care. That was our first phone call in a while. He was crying and sobbing and calling me baby and the last thing we said to eachother was I love you, with him initiating that. Not too long after he was quick to take a lot of our posts down and stop sharing his location. So I did the same, and then just deleted all of my social media. I don’t know if he unadded me on anything, I don’t want to know and I don’t want to see his posts. I don’t think he has any idea as to what he’s doing. I’ll never forget when I was his date to one of his frat formals and I spoke to an alumni for a long time. He said to my bf waiting for me while I was in the bathroom “you got a good girl, take care of her”. My bf told me after that happened, because it was sweet, but I don’t think he honestly knew what that man really meant. Because I think if my bf did understand; I wouldn’t have to practically beg him to acknowledge me with a “maybe we could call” text for weeks, he would’ve directly thanked my mom for all the gifts I bought him using her money, he would’ve actually looked my mom in the eyes when he’s talking to her, he would’ve made sure that with intimacy my needs were also satisfied - not just his, he wouldn’t have told me what makeup style I should wear and what celebrities/traits he finds attractive in other girls even though I’ve voiced I’m uncomfortable with it, he would’ve shown more interest in my hobbies and likes the way I did his, and lastly, he would’ve been more courteous about my feelings and put his ego aside. I mean I’d literally watch hour long videos about fucking warhammer even though I thought it was boring. I sent him an educational video about OCD that I don’t think he ever took the time to watch. Which hurts, because he knows it’s something about me that I discovered during our relationship. Meanwhile, while I have stuff to work on like every person ever, I understand that I don’t need to fit into a group to feel complete. I’ve been authentically myself, flawed and all. I’m not afraid to show my problems to people. I don’t think I’m better than him because I’m like this, but I think that’s where we’re at right now. He hurt me so much and if/when he decides to come back is when I let him. I want him to regret this and for us to work out, but only if there’s change. He said we should work on ourselves and I agree. I’m slowly feeling better, but this took so many people by surprise especially his brothers gf who I was incredibly close to. She also has OCD funnily enough, and we’ve privately bonded over our bfs just not understanding OCD or going to each other for relationship/self care advice. I don’t know what to do, he was home to me. I love him, but I don’t love his actions and I deserve more. I hope he realizes what he’s missing out on, regrets it, and truly understands my value.

im so nervous to post this i feel like this is stupid but i feel so gross rn grew up poor, lived in a gross moldy house infested with bugs & a gaping hole in the bathroom floor. my parents did everything they could to make ends meet while also balancing taking care of my sick little brother who almost passed away twice as a baby from a rare disorder & paying for his medical expenses. i spent a pretty big chunk of my life as a kid without my parents because they were with my brother in the hospital, & after he got out i basically had to be a junior parent at very young always so scared of him dying at any moment if i take my eyes off him (i am not blaming him in any way i would do anything for him i love him so much) fast forward to now im 21 & living at home unemployed with ASD, BPD, OCD, autoimmune issues & chronic pain, my parents make way more money, we live in a pretty nice house now & they take care of all my expenses. i am incredibly thankful for everything that we have & my parents deserve everything theyve worked for, but im terrified im just some lazy spoiled little shit that wont get a life. i do everything i can to help out my parents even with my health issues, of course because i genuinely care to help them but also so i can feel "deserving" if that makes sense. always helping around the house, running errands, helping take care of my brother (whos now 17 but still needing care for his disorder on top of his own ASD & mental health issues), constantly asking if i can do anything to help out, but i just cant get this veruca salt spoiled little princess type caricature of myself that just sits around being a brat out of my head. ive been finally working at getting my first job with a side gig on ebay but im beating myself up because i think to myself "do i even need this job? other people my age get jobs to survive. i dont technically HAVE to get one, my parents pay for all my necessities, i only want to work so i can have my own life & not rely on my parents forever." sure im not some trust fund baby born into wealth, we still have to be careful with money but i have so much more than so many people & im so scared that i dont deserve it. its been killing me to the point of me compulsively searching shit all the time about rich people, how much money is too much money, how to know if you're spoiled, etc etc. im terrified people in the job world will look at me like the little spoiled bitch that had mummy & daddys money & just scoff at me- but i feel too ashamed to even talk about this because im terrified of looking like some rich kid preaching "oooh but rich people have problems toooo we're just like you guys!!!" i just dont know what to do. my ocd was horrible when i was 17 but overtime i was able to what i thought was "defeat" it, i went a while with no intrusive thoughts, but now this theme has taken over my brain. i feel disgusting.

I told a few people on social media about my OCD, including POCD and how distressing it is. But everyone went quiet, then a few hours later I posted that I don’t support pedophilia at all neither do I justify it or am a pedo. Then someone replied with: “I think someone might take it bc u have such an obsessive fear of it u might have actual p3 do philic tendencies” I can’t do this anymore, I’m terrified to spiral again like a few months ago but I’m on the brink of doing it again. I’m shaking and stressing tf out I hate this so so so so so much

I feel like a lot of my fears are actually just centered around what other people think of me because I'm scared of being abandoned and no one loving me anymore. I don't actually feel like my fears are about being a good person. And then when I have this thought it makes me feel even worse because many people here genuinely seem to be scared of being a bad person. I feel like an actual bad person who's more concerned with appearances than anything else :(. I keep having these thoughts like what kind of person am I when I'm alone and with my thoughts. And then I get scared to be alone.

i’ve been having this theme pop up recently where if I see people either criticize or be a hater and spread misinformation or seeing old controversies about my current interests/hyper-fixations i find myself having a crazy anxiety attack about if it’s “morally okay” to be interested in my interests anymore. i feel really singled out and like im doing something wrong because im watching a youtuber or listening to a specific musical group. in all of these specific situations the people involved have talked about the situations and have changed accordingly but seeing it makes me feel like i shouldn’t be allowed to like my favorite things. to be clear none of these things are dramatically evil or bad. it’s either misinformation/uneducated people influencing someone opinion and then they learn and change. it just makes me feel like im not allowed to like my favorite things anymore because of people criticizing it??? if that makes sense??? also this is a little off topic but also not really because i’m 99.99% sure im autistic because of MANY things but with this specifically i have very strong interests and i feel very deep feelings about them and any and all criticism or hateful comments towards my favorite things trigger me deeply and make my ocd act up and make me feel uncomfortable and uncertain and anxious and it causes physical discomfort to me. i really don’t know how to calm myself down about this specific theme it’s brand new and makes me feel really anxious. not trying to look for reassurance but does anyone else understand what i mean??? does anyone have any advice on how to not give into the negative comments??? any suggestions on how to ease this specific anxiety???

I know I am going a bit cuckoo because my period is coming up, but lately it feels like every intrusive thought I have, I *like* it. Like I genuinely feel like I like it, and then I immediately panic because I start checking. Mentally, emotionally, whatever it is. And I know that is a compulsion. I *know* that. But it feels so real that I cannot stop myself. Every single time I check, it still feels like I like the thought, and it is driving me absolutely insane. It is especially the POCD thoughts. They feel so real. I feel like something is going on mentally, like some kind of confusion or glitch, because I swear I was not like this before. I would have intrusive thoughts, and they would feel real, but not *this* real. And I do not even know if this is normal. I know OCD is **supposed** to feel convincing. That is the whole thing. But I have never experienced it to this extreme. I have never gotten the same thought so many times and still felt like, “Oh my God, I did enjoy it,” even after checking a million times. It is like no matter how many times I check, it feels like I liked it. Especially during intimacy :( and it is making me lose it. Then I start thinking, “Well, I am in distress, so maybe that is proof it is not actually me.” But right after, I am like, “What if I am only panicking because I care about what society thinks and not because I actually have morals?” And then I spiral again, wondering if maybe I just care about how I am seen rather than who I am. I am panicking so much no today. I had to take my Xanax today for the first time in two months, and I needed three separate doses. I really need some support right now.

"The Mistakeless Man Tries to Become Mistakeful" A man of great historical significance… who became the first human incapable of making a mistake… who didn't know how to make mistakes... who literally had no experience making mistakes… who transformed the concept of perfection into a reality… his name was Mr. Maguire. Can you imagine what Mr. Maguire’s life was like? Can you imagine what his relationship was like with others in the community? Can you imagine how a therapist would react to someone like Maguire? How was his life? He loved his life. He had never experienced a negative emotion in his life. He had never faced adversity. He had never made a mistake for god’s sake! How was his relationship in his community? People had a love-hate relationship with Maguire. People who loved Maguire would do deeds for him to increase his success because they admired him. Conversely, people who hated Maguire would try to trap him to commit a mistake and mock him because they felt jealous and couldn’t relate to him as a human being who was too perfect! But he was certainly loved by the U.S. government! Even the U.S. Treasury department mailed cash checks with Mr. Maguire’s name written on them! Oh… he loved it! If that wasn’t good enough, the government also exempted Mr. Maguire from paying any income taxes whatsoever! As a result of these generous monetary benefits, he often complained about having too much money in his checking account! He literally had too much money! So then he had to push money out of his checking account all the time or else it would become over clogged with money! Eventually he had someone do the job for him because Mr. Maguire knew that he himself was simply too good to deal with that kind of problem! “What a good problem to have!” Angry people shouted with jealousy. People who hated Maguire would criticize him harshly, but they learned how challenging it is to find something to criticize Maguire on! How can you seriously criticize someone who is literally perfect? These hating people were furious! They really hated Mr. Maguire because they were jealous and could not relate to him as a human being! They had zero empathy for someone like Maguire. Zero empathy! They tried to force him to make a mistake. But how can you force someone to make a mistake? Should it be done on accident or on purpose? People were so confused about this. Their goal was to get him to commit a mistake for the first time in his life! That’s it! That is all their goal was! Then if that goal were achieved, they would mock him, embarrass him, and call it a day. It would become a famous celebratory holiday that recurred annually. But were they successful? Did Maguire actually end up making a mistake for the first time? Did he ever experience a negative emotion in his life? Was perfection really sustainable? How would his relationship with his community change if he did become mistakeful? What about the relationships with those who admired his perfection? What about the people who hated Maguire for being too perfect? Did they like him now or continue their hatred and abandon him? How would Maguire himself feel about experiencing a negative emotion or committing a mistake for the first time? What happened to Mr. Maguire? Chapter 2: "Mr. Maguire seeks therapy" Yes, you read that correctly, Mr. Maguire actually seeks therapy! If there is anything that makes the least sense, it would be a perfect human seeking therapy. A perfect human does not belong in a therapeutic setting! But, there arrived a time in Maguire’s perfect life, when the time was perfect, when he gently realized that he may be too perfect. He felt inspired to make a mistake and relate to others who do make mistakes. A direct quote from Mr. Maguire, “I feel truly inspired to gain problems.” Maguire wasn’t upset about it at all! Instead he was experiencing curiosity and inspiration. He wanted to consult a therapist to learn more. He wanted to learn about mistakes and problems. He wanted to learn how to make a mistake and gain problems! He was the first person on earth to attend therapy to gain problems! How did his first therapy session go? How did the remaining sessions go? What was the therapeutic approach used? Was it successful? But before we learn the answer to those questions, let’s first go back to the day Maguire felt inspired to attend therapy. Let’s find out what happened that day that inspired Maguire. How was his day that day? Mr. Maguire woke up at his desired time at 7:00 AM without an alarm clock. It was an inspirational morning for Mr. Maguire when he grabbed his journal to start recording his thoughts. “I feel well rested as always, but what does it mean when society says they feel tired? Society seems to assign a label that is bad for feeling tired, they say you don’t want to experience anything like it… strange.” Then Mr. Maguire, with a profoundly confused look on his face, gently puts his journal back inside his drawl and lays it to rest....

I am 16 and struggling with OCD. It is causing me to do irrational things that I wouldn't normally do and cause issues with my parents. I feel like a terrible person and want to take back things that have happen and don't know how to make it better. The OCD causes things to get stuck in my brain and my questions have to be answered and talked about. I don't know how to let thoughts go and ways that would be healthy for myself and my parent when this happens. Any advice?

I am new to this and exploring the community chat. Is it normal to have anxiety reading the posts? I keep looking for something that I can relate to, but I have hot “zings” going through my chest and down my torso while reading. I have been scrolling for over 30 minutes, which I guess is a sign of my newly diagnosed OCD. I am having a hard time verbalizing any “fears” - any advice to begin this journey?

I been dealing with intrusive to the point it feels like I think them idk what to do I feel like a monster.

I was practicing mindfulness for a little bit and then I just started to relax and just kind of take in just the sensations and sounds around me and I just felt good. I almost wanted to cry.

I don’t know if it’s just me but I don’t feel comfortable when a kid wears tight clothes Like if they’re wearing leggings or shorts it just triggers me omg I don’t know if it’s because I’m a p

False memory OCD is such a pest. It’s really hard to deal with the feelings of certainty and anxiety, trying to discern if things are false memories or real memories, what if they’re real memories, what if my OCD is right, what if because my OCD was right about one thing it’s also right about this thing, what if it knows something I don’t or haven’t realized yet, what if the real memory it’s taking from is actually false and the false memory is true. And it’s worse because the theme and false memory is so high stakes and it’s terrifying to consider what if it’s actually true and the consequences, but that only feeds the OCD, and it doesn’t help that I keep mentally prodding at it to see if the feelings of certainty are still there. It makes the false memories seem so real, and it’s like it wants me to admit the false memory actually happened when I don’t know that it did, and I’ll never know. I try to sit with the uncertainty but my OCD makes this feel so real and it creates so much certainty that this did happen that it’s so hard to keep telling myself that I don’t know, that this could be a real memory or it might not be and I’ll never know, and to remember that this came up a few days ago and I was pretty sure it was a false memory and I was handling it. Like remembering the false memory made it an actual memory. I have no idea if any of this makes any sense - it’s getting so meta lol. Reading all of this, it’s no wonder it’s so hard to sit with the uncertainty about if it’s a real memory or false. It’s been on my mind over the last week, too, which probably doesn’t help things, because the deeper I try to delve into it, the more complicated it becomes, and trying to point out that logically, it doesn’t make any sense, doesn’t help because my OCD comes up with scenarios and what-ifs and ways that this could have happened. It’s really tough to sit with when my OCD is so convinced this is true and it wants me to be convinced, too. I could really use some support, validation, encouragement, anything. If you made it this far, thanks for reading - please take care of yourselves. ❤️🤗

so, have been handling the thoughts much better - but now they have adapted to my self-ERP and now i have weird head feelings, or strange sensations on my chest. and i'm like "fuck i hope this is not actual dysphoria". i don't get panicked over it but OH ITS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE, like wearing a really tight shirt at all times. anyway, something that helped me is to think that my chromossomes will never change and even if my mind forces me to transition my bones will be male after i die! so yay, i guess. anyway, this theme has been really a struggle, but the more i struggle with it the less likely it seens i actually want to be any gender other than male. also i believe ocd sometimes is a blessing and most times a curse, the blessing of this theme is that i've actually been picturing how to be a better man as an adult, how to improve our community with the strength this body gives me and also to be much kinder to those who struggle with actual dysphoria.

So I had a panic attack a while ago to “kill mom” and I forgot about the thought until a few days later. When it came back I was mentally drained and it lasted for 2 months or more. It eventually went away but it is back. I get other intrusive thoughts but they go away after a hour or so. Why am I stressing over “kill mom” so much. I just get irritated that it won’t go away. I’m beginning to think it’s a different mental illness maybe just anxiety? I’m not sure to be honest. It just appears and sits there and I feel like I’m doomed and a pyscho and worry that I’ll never forget the thought.

I started feeling a certain way in each relationship I’ve been in after a certain amount of time and it feels like it’s something to do with relationship OCD or something like relationship anxiety. I’ve never been diagnosed with any type of disorder and so on but it just fills all the boxes that I’ve noticed and I’m worried that my relationship right now is slowly coming to a halt because of it potentially 💔. I have anxiety when I’m about to be talking to my girlfriend at times or when I have to call her and when she’s over and does certain things and it worries me so much and makes me wonder that is it ROCD or am I just not interested as much anymore? The anxiety definitely plays a role in my emotions too which causes me to not show as much too sadly. Can anyone help with this? I can’t see any therapists on here since my insurance (Ambetter) isn’t covered here