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Suffering from ocd worsens with loneliness. Someone can talk to me please?

I regret so much things in my past. I feel like I'm only worrying for getting label. And worried if I'm bad. No guilt. I can clearly feel it. I don't have any guilt. It's only regret. I'm so exhausted. I can't do anything. I don't think I'm a aph*bophile or p*dophile. But I also feel like I am too. My past mistakes sounds like they proves my label. Currently I don't feel like I'm p*do. But I'm worried if I actually am. I'm worried if I'm an ap*bo.

Hi everyone, this is giving me so much anxiety even saying this out loud because my OcD is telling me that somehow someone will know who I am on here and report me this goes with what I’m about to say about my irrational stuff. Since my baby was born I’ve had a lot of majorrr anxiety about him getting sick. From there my postpartum ocd spiked. I had this irrational fear someone would falsely report me as a bad mom and I’d get my baby taken from me. I’ve NEVER had anyone tell me I’m a bad mom, as a matter of fact, almost every day I get praised for how good of a mom I am. My child is so loved and taken care of. So why did I have that fear? it CONSUMED ME. Obsessively cleaning my house in case a social worker came. Stopped posting myself having occasional girls nights out for dinner because I thought one of my followers would think I’m a bad mom for getting a break. Not being able to talk about ANYTHING or send pictures of my baby to family and friends to update them since we live out of state because somehow I thought I would say something wrong or do something that would make someone think I’m a bad mom. I was convinced my baby was gonna be taken for zero reason. I still sometimes catch myself over analyzing myself and what I say because I don’t want to say the wrong thing and someone think I’m not a fit mom. I would even replay every scenario I remember and then second guess myself if that really happened or if I said something or not and freak out and spiral from there. with driving, if I go over a speed bump I have to double check it wasn’t magically a person. Then I panic even though I know for a fact it was a speed bump. I hate living like this. I feel crazy. I don’t open up because I feel like I’m the only person in the world. The one time I opened up about driving it was used against me. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m failing as a mom. I don’t even open up to a therapist about my irrational fear about baby being taken bc I don’t want them to think I’m a bad mom. It just doesn’t stop.

My boyfriend is staying the weekend at his parents house for his moms birthday and my ocd was quiet for most of the day and then I had the thought of my off has been quiet so I must not actually love my boyfriend which then just kept spiraling. I did resist compulsions to the best of my ability. I think there’s some mental ones I do as well but idk what they are. Anyway how do you guys resist mental compulsions what could some mental compulsions be?

I’m disappointed and upset with myself. Growing up in an immigrant household that didn’t believe in therapy as much, I mostly only really took care of my mental health when it came to playing sports. I was not a great communicator when it came to my feelings or being vulnerable with my partners and friends.The world makes you feel like it’s normal to not say what you mean and that you have to be indirect with a lot of the things you say. It caused a lot of fights, hurt feelings, and words I should have never said between me and my recently ex girlfriend. We had broken up about a week ago, but today is the day she said she did not want to talk to me anymore. I wish I did more than journal and meditate. I wish I got treatment for my OCD earlier, or just any therapy at all. I wish I learned to be better at communication way before I met her. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost her, maybe if I had been more honest and more direct about my feelings, our fights wouldn’t have happened. I wish I could have been more for her. I wish I could have been more for myself. I wish I took mental health, growing, and healing more seriously. I am disappointed for my skepticism and being okay with stagnating as a person. I should have healed and addressed my issues sooner. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to move on. It feels like I blew my one chance to be with the one person I really loved and the first partner I planned on something really long term with. I feel both the weight and pain of disappointment in myself, and losing her. I know the breakup is hitting her too, and I am worried about her wellbeing. They say there are 5 stages of grief, I wonder what stage this one is. And I wonder how long it’ll take me to just come to acceptance. I want to be better. I want to not hurt people I care about. I want to be the man I am supposed to become.

So me and my boyfriend are going on our first short trip together and as an avoidant person who tends to be very anxious about being seen in a relationship and being in a relationship in general, it could become a very triggering experience. I have had previous OCD themes but the last few years have been very latched to the topics HOCD and ROCD. I just know that spending so much time together could lead to intrusive thoughts about him and our relationship and result in micromanaging and being irritated. Anyone tips on how to enjoy this and not put too much pressure on myself ?

this is the most i will ever go into depth about my mental health, all in one post; all in one sitting. this will be draining. to start this off, yes, i have OCD—but i also have several other disorders as well. some of my diagnoses that will come to light in this have a strong correlation to comorbidity and so instead of this being a story simply about my OCD, i will cover all areas of my mental health. for readers, i want it to be clear; this is for me. i’m doing this to put my story out. i hope you find some interest in what i have to say, but in the end, my intentions are strictly to make my damage good. symptoms of my mental issues were present frequently in my childhood experience. for years i avoided any truth to how i thought or felt. thinking, feeling, acting—all 3 were never in cohesion. i had a very anti-social attitude towards life for most of my pubescent years. i got use to faking and manipulating to appear a certain way when i knew i was at risk of punishment; it allowed me to get away with a lot of immoral behaviors for a long time before i eventually was forced into counseling from a school fight i had initiated. i was roughly 14 at this time. counseling was my initial therapy for a while. i have since seen 5 therapists. i can’t say any of those therapists knew a single truth about me, really—with a mixture of pathological lying and a bad masking habit, I was stopping myself from getting any real treatment. i don’t know why, but for a long time i was content with this truth. a part of me never really felt the need to address it. my manipulative behaviors were often unintentional and not once had i sought a need to be callous, even when doing the things i was doing. with every new therapist, i had tuned my personality specifically to fit them—a concept that i don’t have a name for but now can dissect in immense detail. i would take parts of my personality and accentuate them to fit the attitudes and interests of particular people. in my head it was always about admiring the story. nobody was real; everyone was a character, everyone was a unique, self-manifested character. i just made my character with greater intents. i was a good listener, i think understanding that made me get more comfortable with my destructive and manipulative tendencies. when someone believes your listening, like really, actively listening—they’ll eventually tell you everything about themselves. now for a slight addressing of the obvious, i want it to be clear, i’m not describing ASPD—aka, the real life equivalence of sociopathy. i do think i show strong signs of it early on in my youth, and i bring these behaviors up because i think the issues that i do have developed from my anti-social behaviors—however, i was a child; i didn’t know the consequences of my behavior like i do now. if anything is needed to be said here, it’s best to address the following events like this: i understand now, i didn’t understand then. turning 15, i had started off 2023 in a relationship that meant a lot to me—a lot more to me than anything in my life leading up to this point. it’s best to address this now as well—i don’t feel a lot, but when i do, it’s usually irrationally intense and feels completely uncontrollable. at this time, i had gotten over a lot of my anti-social tendencies by now and have spent the last year improving myself after the things i had done began hurting the people i valued most. from a long list of lying, manipulating, preying, harassing, even stabbing people with whatever sharp thing was at my disposal—i had come a long way in creating a character that i actually liked. an important thing to keep in mind during this time was the early development of my OCD that had initially come in the form of suicidal ideation. most of the people in here i’m assuming are people that personally have OCD and understand that it’s not a disorder based in the stigmatized-lens of perfectionism but rather an irrational need for certainty. death quickly became my “ultimate form of certainty” in my teenage years as i turned to the concept like a comfort place—a hand on my shoulder saying “it’s okay, you can fuck up however you might, there’s always a way out.” i had not been truthful about that in therapy either, nor did the several medications prescribed in my lifetime ever do something of benefit to what my issues actually were. of course, i blame no one but myself for not benefiting from outside sources. skipping over a lot of meaningless detail—the gist of the year went like this: Jan-April relationship breaks up badly—in my irrational state, i attempted to take my life and was hospitalized, and eventually, institutionalized. i stayed there for 11 days. at the time the only diagnoses they could make of me was MDD and ASD with slight signs of generalized anxiety. May-August i get extremely medicated and start taking 150+ pills a month to maintain what at the time was being treated for bipolar and schizophrenia. i was too young to see my clinical record, and i assume they wouldn’t tell this to a minor, but it seems they believed whatever my issues really were—i was simply too young to get an accurate assessment. September-December the medication makes me completely apathetic and my loss of care for life brought back my irrational gimmicks and self-destructive tendencies. i, in a 4 month period, ruined every single relationship i had kept close to me. 2024. i was alone. i stopped taking my pills due to a loss of interest and excessive weight gaining but it made my intense emotions start to bite me again. this was the year my OCD had fully developed and by April, i was diagnosed after failing a risk-assessment. for a long period of time, i lived a meaningless, uneventful, isolated life. that year, i let my mental health take over all acts of my being. i got deep into philosophy, psychology, pathology, a lot of tv shows built around psychological dynamics—i was desperate to understand this parasite that seemed to destroy my life without any awareness. i never wanted it to take the years it did since i was initially that 13 year old boy, but i write this now with a simple truth—a truth i refused to let myself believe until recently. i can’t fix this. the more i feed into it, obsess over it—the more these issues are going to worsen. for years i wasted my days thinking i was trying everything i could and it just wasn’t working. i couldn’t accept the fact that i don’t control this, and despite being told that again and again—it never got through to me until i spent the last week not feeding into the OCD and emotional dysregulation, and for the first time, i didn’t find myself counting the seconds that passed me by. it might not mean that much for an outsider looking in, but since my OCD had fully developed—i would always be counting the seconds in the back of my head, not like 1231, 1232, 1233… but as a tick of a metronome that made me always aware of the time. the days where this wasn’t annoying, it was boring, which i ultimately hated more. i’m seeing a light i haven’t seen in years, and with it i keep reaching the same notion—i wish i didn’t waste so much of my life being miserable. i’m getting a psychological evaluation within the next month. i’ve been out of therapy for about a year now but i’m going in now looking to help myself. this is specifically for my emotional dysregulation. my current theories revolve around cluster B personality types, 1 of 4 including ASPD as i had mentioned earlier, albeit my bet is actually on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder.) I crossed off Borderline for a long time because the symptoms list always felt too broad, but the more i understand the disorder—the more i feel connected to it. my theory comes from several factors—my rapidly changing self image, my impulsive/erratic behaviors, my irrational emotions, my long history of unconventional relationships, my fear of abandonment, my chronic emptiness, my history of self harm, etc. this is not confirmed however, and i wish to get an evaluation specifically for the disorder. getting a personality disorder diagnosed in a minor isn’t easy, but i’m doing it half for the certainty of just knowing—and half for potentionally getting a medication that can help me live a healthy-adjacent life. i never thought i would see a life free of obsession since being diagnosed with OCD. now i can enjoy the silence. thanks for reading. any commentary appreciated.

Please tell me it gets easier…it’s hard to hold on when it feels like it’s not going to ever.

i’ve been going through weird phases in life and it’s really not what i need at all. i’ve been recently having really bad anxiety and i think i have depression (not sure) but everytime i go out my stomach starts to hurt and my mind goes all over the place i just always overthinking bad things are gonna happen like im just having the worst panic attacks when nothing is even happening. i can never go out with friends feeling normal because my mind goes crazy about anything. i can’t hang out with my girlfriend without having really bad anxiety and panic attacks, it’s also so bad that recently i got a job i’ve been trying to get for almost a year now and i finally have the chance to get into the job but my minds all over the place about traveling to another state for training and also even getting the job in general i feel so scared and feel so uncomfortable and uninterested when i been hoping for this opportunity for the longest. idk what’s going on with me and it’s clearly ruining my life and my mental. im starting to think it’s because about 2 years ago i used to smoke weed frequently and i stopped a while ago but now i do it once every blue moon and im thinking about quitting everything in general. what can i do to heal my mental and help my panic attacks where nothing is wrong? i need help..

I read about ERP and have seen information about it on here. One of the goals is to say, "maybe I am this or that...ect." That terrified me. The thoughts and images that go in my head are disturbing and upsetting. I don't want to even think about saying, "maybe this or that." It's devasting to have these thoughts and question why you're having these thoughts. Doesn't the "maybe" make it worse? The one thing that helps me is that is to remind myself that these are just thoughts and I know I'm not a monster, even if I feel like one. Is ERP not for everyone? Has anyone else had a problem with the techniques used in this kind of therapy? I had cognitive therapy for years with an OCD specialist and that seemed to help a lot. Writing out the worst case scenarios would make me suicidal. Im having a difficult time not obsessing over the "maybe" after intrusive thoughts now. It doesn't make it better.

Hi my name is Violetta and I have OCD that prevents me from sleeping because my mind races and I think of things that I can no longer change.

But the difference is felt in day to day life. Many things I used to get caught up on I can now do easily. Being a teacher, an email to a parent to thank them for a gift would take at least 45 minutes to write and recheck. Today, instead of engaging, I noticed I wanted to recheck & sent it anyway. I have started practicing an instrument and doing things I’m “bad” at yet enjoy. I have more energy & have had to find new hobbies and routines to get that out (still a work in progress on that one). Although it’s hard, I am able to relax and enjoy myself if I actively make the choice to commit to the activity - be it hanging out with friends, reading or playing a video game. Before, all I did was think and obsess. I was too preoccupied for hobbies. All of this to say, things aren’t perfect & I still have work to do, but things are certainly much easier than at the start of the journey. Now to keep going to see if I can conquer my bee phobia alongside OCD 👀🥹

I’ve been in this storm for over a year and a half now. It started with doubts like: “What if I don’t love him?” and slowly turned into: “You never did. You just loved the idea. You just wanted to feel something.” And now… it feels like that’s the truth. I feel disconnected, numb, and ashamed. I look back at our relationship — the good moments, the laughter, the affection — and instead of warmth, I feel doubt. I feel sick. I feel like I tricked myself. I keep thinking: “You never loved him, you just wanted to be loved.” “You were never in it for him — just the safety, the comfort, the idea of being in love.” We’ve been fighting more lately — mostly because of me. I feel like I’m cold, irritable, distant. I can’t connect. And that makes me believe, more and more, that this thought is right. That maybe I stayed because I wanted to feel, not because I truly felt something for him. But at the same time, I’m suffering. Crying. Panicking. Spiraling. If I truly didn’t love him — why does this hurt so much? It’s terrifying, because I don’t know if this is ROCD or a “truth” I’ve been avoiding. I just want peace. I just want to feel again — or at least stop punishing myself every day. Has anyone else gone through this exact thing? Feeling like the thought “I never loved him, just the idea” became your “truth”? Did it ever pass? How do you keep going when your mind turns love into guilt? Please tell me I’m not alone. 💔 This feels unbearable.

So, how are you today?

I went to internal medicine today, and i'm not perfectly healthy, My liver is a little bit fat, I have to lose weight so thats okay, also I have gallsand, which is not gallstone yet but it can become that if its not treated. Now im like these arent big problems but when i heard these I started to overthink and think about the worse that I will have gallstones cause the doctor said I have it cause it runs in my family(my mother/grandmother and uncle had it) and I just think that it wont go away, and even if i doesn I will be worried all year if it came back. Im just so afraid. Also they said I should go get a blood check, but I said i will hesitate now cause last time i almost fainted and felt horrible the whole day, and now i hear from people i know that they went and they felt sick and vomited there. But the overthinking comes from me thinking if these little symptoms I experienced which I thought its because of anxiety, was because of health issues then the other symptoms I experience sometimes (headache and lightheadedness) are there cause of another health issue, and im worrying about my health, im afraid of death, i keep imagining myself if they tell me that i have terminal illness or something really bad and i dont know how to handle it. Now i feel nausea and i would say its because of stress but i keep thinking that its because of the health issues I have...I don't know how to handle this fear, if you ask others or therapists, they will say "yeah everyone is afraid of death and suffering" or "Try to think about something else" and i wont pay for advices like this...

So I have been trying to work out over the past 5 years where my OCD come from and have began to realise that ruminating on where it comes from is actually a compulsion in itself. I believe mine come from having a low self esteem and a lot of stress in my life at that time. I then attended talking therapy to try and understand my feelings and intrusive thoughts and all this did was fuel the OCD further because trying to assign meaning to the thoughts is actually the opposite of what we should do. Does anyone else feel like they know what triggered there OCD?

I’ve struggled a lot with mental illness (severe social anxiety, depression, OCD), but have done a lot of work to get to the great place that I’m at now. I feel like a different person compared to how I felt a few years ago. Here’s my question: I started seeing someone really important to me. We’re not official yet, but we’ve been in each others lives for years and it feels like it’s the real deal. He struggles with OCD, and it’s much worse than mine ever was. My question is, do you think this is healthy for me, as someone who has done the work to get to a better place? He’s not in therapy, he’s against medication (I love my meds — they changed my life), and is generally in a different place than I am mentally.

I have faith in every single one of you. I have had some of the toughest subtype you could ever go through, and I thought my life would be over. I know and understand how hard it is to handle. I still deal with it now, but I can manage it alot better. When they say the only way is through, it's true. You must believe in yourself. OCD only wants control. They should have called it "The Controlling Disorder". Life is unpredictable, unexpected, and especially uncontrollable. Each subtype that we deal with, we feel that we have to have the most control over. When we learn to let go of that control and accept the possibility, not the probability, it does get easier. Stay strong and keep moving forward!

Me and my significant other have been dating for a while now we are both in the military and we both went to a remote location ever sense we have been here I’ve been so insecure we with each other 24/7 back home and it’s not the same here now I constantly nick pick at her about other guys. If I see her look at a guy too long or if I see her laugh with them anything involving someone else that is male I get super uncomfortable and almost even jealous that someone else has her attention she talked to me yesterday night and said she’s been having thought of being on her own and leaving me which honestly broke me we are still togather but I guess she wants her space so we are not spending much time together or talking much I guess pretty much a "break" I know she’s not the type to go around a mess with another person she truly wants to find herself again and see if she truly wants to be with me I guess and I have to admit i was in the wrong for sure I would be controlling in ways and was someone I didn’t wanna be and always on defense mode for any person talking to her that was a guy. And now it caused her to want a “break from me I talked to my mom because moms are always right ? And she told me I was definitely in the wrong no one wants to be with someone who is controlling and insecure etc my mom pretty much told me she was her own person before our relationship and it’s come to trust at the end of the day and that I can’t control the narrative I just need other opinions on what to do to help save us and my self

Did anyone experience SA as a child. I've come out and people have blocked me almost across the board. I know this isn't totally OCD but it kind of is because I have so much doubt on how to proceed. I have no evidence and I believe I'll fail so much. Can I get through the turmoil of this with OCD? I'm a friendless mess.