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working to conquer OCD
I donāt even know if itās HOCD anymore. I canāt distinguish if I like the thoughts or not. Itās creeping in to every aspect of my life and I never donāt think about it for more than 10 minutes. I have these urges to like come out to my parents even though when I act these out in my head I feel worse. But at the same time, I think my OCD is convincing me that this is my true self. Please reply I really need someone to talk to.
Hey, so I'll try to keep it short but I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and need advise. This is not fully ocd but I really don't have anywhere else to talk about this with. Iāve only ever seriously liked two people: my ex and this guy Iāve been talking to. Heās from a country far away, and weād been chatting for two months before I admitted my feelings. From the start, he was clear heās not over his ex and isnāt looking for anything serious. At first, I saw him just as a friend, but the more he mentioned going on dates or seeking a friends-with-benefits situation, the more it stirred panic and fear in me. When he noticed I was acting off and asked about it, I opened up and told him how I felt. He was kind but firm, saying he couldnāt reciprocate but wanted to stay friends. That was nice of him, but it still hurt, especially since he didnāt seem to see it as a big deal, while for me, it was huge. I took a two-week break to process, crying it out and trying to pull myself together before reaching out again. He was understanding and seemed okay with picking up where we left off, but things arenāt the same. We used to talk all day, every day, but now itās just a few words here and there, and itās crushing. He seems totally fineāhappy, going out, living his life like nothingās changed. Meanwhile, Iām at my lowest, depressed and unable to enjoy anything. Seeing him share updates or talk about his life just makes me sad, and I canāt even show the support I used to. Itās killing me because I want to be his friend, but this feels so distant and cold compared to before. Texting him back is so hard now, which has never been an issue with anyone else. I donāt want to take another break because Iād just spend it thinking about him, and trying to go back to being friends afterward feels even scarier. I donāt want to lose him entirely, but this is hurting so much. I just want to be his friend, but Iāve never liked someone this much before. When I care about someone, they become my whole world, and right now, mine feels like itās crashed. Seeing him happy makes me sad, and I feel awful for feeling that way. My ocd is making me spiral about this and keep obsessing about him and this connection making me feel restless. Most friends told me to try and let go and end this because I'm hurting but I don't wanna regret giving up on a friendship tho of I don't want a shallow one word per day friendship either.
This flare up masculine lesbians or masculine presenting women are a HUGE trigger for me. Itās the whole reason why I went into a SOOCD spiral in the first place when I was 15. I thought a masculine presenting female kpop idol was attractive bc they looked like a man. But anyways, I have been around lesbians and masculine lesbians since my childhood and never had any attraction towards them or any woman. However ocd is latching onto one memory from a super long time ago. My mind could also be distorting my memories and I donāt fully remember it. When I was at practice I looked at my teammate (who was a very masculine lesbian) and wondered why she looked like a boy. Immediately after thinking that I got an intrusive thought like ādoes that mean you like herā and as soon as that thought popped up a huge wave of anxiety and discomfort washed over me. I started to freak out and I looked at her face to check if I did, she was smiling and I noticed she wasnāt ugly and that made me more anxious. But I remember closing my eyes, taking a breath, looked at her again, felt nothing, and moved on. I saw her multiple times after that and I never once found her attractive or had any crush on her. I canāt even remember her that much because she was so insignificant in my life. But my brain keeps telling me that itās proof. I remember two of my friends in high school telling me they sometimes thought masc lesbians were guys and sometimes found them cute, but after finding out they were girls they just moved on. I remember my friend saying āYeah sometimes ill be on instagram and think omg heās so cute, check their page, see that ooohhhā¦its a girl, and go nvm and move onā those were her exact words too, and sheās still straight. The false attractions (I hope and pray theyāre false) are eating me alive. I donāt think my brain can accept acknowledging that someone is attractive while not being attracted if that makes sense. Every false attraction feels so real (esp bc my attraction to men is literally gone and has been for years) but it leaves me feeling so anxious, awful, and depressed. But 2 months ago, prior to the spiral, the attraction I felt for my boyfriend felt so genuine and good š. Iām telling you Iāve been a numb rock towards men for so many years now but that one hangout me and my man had woke up those feelings again. I say it in almost every post but I just wanted him to kiss me SO BAD the entire hangout. His smile had me mesmerized and I felt so shy but in a good way š.I donāt even know how to describe it anymore bc I feel so numb towards him now and all the attraction has left. I think itās also because we canāt see each other that often because of school so iām left to ruminate about everything. Iāve been dealing with this theme for so long and iāve felt nothing but depressed and numb to everything whenever it takes a break from terrorizing me. Thereās so much proof against me but deep deep down I know what I want. I felt it 2 months ago when my mind was clear and ocd wasnāt bothering me as much. But as soon as ocd comes into the picture iām back to being numb and start to doubt EVERYTHING. I just want this shit to end š. Iām so so exhausted that Iām going to see a doctor to see if I can start medication. I need all the help I can get at this point. I donāt think this amount of emotional and mental numbness is normal and my depression fully back again. Iām so tired of feeling like a rock.
I really need support from someone preferably a woman ā¹ļø
I feel like I did something bad like I was in a huanted house and this girl wanted me to hold her hand and we were holding hands and she went to put my hands beside her boob and Iām just like omg this is wrong because sheās younger than me and I think sheās a minor So now I think Iām a criminal even though my intention was not evil
I know this may sound strange and this is no way meant to say people with autism are lesser or anything like that, but similarly to how i fear being gay even though I'm not homophobic and have no problem with gay people, I have a fear of being autistic. Everytime I see a list of autism symptoms online or a post on social media that's like if you do x you must be autistic I literally panic. I'm constantly monitoring my behaviour in case I show any signs and I'm always looking at old photos and videos of myself for the same reason. It's also annoying that I have a bad memory so I can't really rember if I did something in the past that definitely means I have autism. My brain keeps focusing on moments that could mean I have autism. Like if I misunderstood a joke one time in the past my brain keeps telling me that's a sign I didn't understand a social cue so I must have autism, even though there are probably countless times I have been fine with social cues, its just I can't remember. I have also had a time in the past where a therapist brought up I could potentially look into seeing If I have autism, but I just keep telling myself she said potentially and she only brought it up because of one potential sign and not a whole list of signs. My only reassurance is that I've never had anyone mention any autistic like behaviour to me or my parents when I was little and I keep asking my family if I showed any particular signs of autism and they keep saying no, but knowing my family they wouldn't have noticed even if I did. I just feel so scared and so guilty. There is nothing wrong with having autism just as there is nothing wrong with being gay, it's just so scary to me though, I really dont want to have autism and don't know why I just don't. Does anyone else feel the same?
I donāt known if this are really my intrusive thoughts every time I feel anxious mad I get really disrespectful thoughts about God that I wish I wouldnāt have but they come to my mind like a urge to think or say stuff in my mind I donāt know what to do anymore. I feel like theyāre really are my thoughts because the thoughts feel like Iām the one really thinking about them. Itās like it gets more disrespectful the more and more I think about these thoughts like if I see an image or something about religion? My mind goes straight to disrespectful thoughts I donāt know what else to do anymore. And no matter if itās a phrase or something about the Bible, my mind just goes to disrespectful. Thoughts
Yo! So I have ocd, but nobody I know has it. Idk who to talk to or what to do. Could yaāll share your experiences? How do you work it out and āget ridā of it? I just started to snus which helps me at the moment. But this ocd shit is killing me Could yāall share your stories or how you deal with it and ācureā it? Iām 16 - soon 17 btw. A guy. Ts is draining me
Iām on the train and was sitting in front of a little girl and I feel like her mom thinks Iām a p because my eyes keep looking
Recently I had a close friend emotionally dump on me and it drained me and negatively affected me for days. I would describe his behavior as an adult tantrum, he didnāt seem well and it scared me. We were going to a jazz bar with me and another friend and I was dressed up nice. He picked me up and was upset that I liked good. He insisted on going home to change, so we did that. He started getting really upset about how he hated shopping because he didnāt like how clothes fit his body because heās overweight. He brings this up a lot. Itās really sad but he is deeply concerned about it. We went to the jazz bar. We all ordered something to snack on. He ordered a drink, I ordered a drink, our other friend ordered ice cream. He didnāt like his drink so he kept asking to sip my drink and he ordered the same ice cream as our other friend. Afterwards he drove me home and vented about his life and being gay and lds and how the church had done so much stuff to him. He was in major victim mode ā and I want nothing to do with that. I tried to speak some sense into him but he wasnāt listening and was being really dramatic and mad. I took some space from him and honestly didnāt want to hang out with him for a while after that. He kept messaging me to hang out and I kept declining. Recently he messaged me to hang out again (it had been about a month since that hang out) wanted to hang out again. I responded and said that I didnāt really want to be social much these days because I was going into hibernation mode ā I further explained how his negativity that night was not something I was seeking out. He seemed to respond in a way was angry, rude, and again rooted in victimhood. Iām sad that our friendship ended on such a terrible note, and I think he has so many awesome qualities. I worry that I did something wrong in how I ended the friendship because it was all over text š but I do feel like that boundary needed to be set even though I handled it clumsily. To be honest I donāt really care about loosing him as a friend but I do care about doing the right thing. Then around the same time as this friendship was endingā¦I messaged another friend of mine (I work with her) to apologize for a venting session in which I had been especially petty. She took that as me bringing her into that pettiness and hasnāt really been initiating any communication between us. Again, this was all over text which wasnāt good and pretty clumsy. This makes me sad, I think sheās really cool and having friends at work was starting to be a fun thing. Then on Sunday, my roommateās brother (me and my roomate are close and heās like a little brother to me) was acting low-key racist towards some Ukrainian people at church. He was calling them russian and imitating their accents. That IRKED ME. Then my roommate asked if she can invite her friend on our Europe trip were planning for next year which kinda stung a little bit because I thought it would just be an us thing? And also I donāt know her friend at all so Iām a little worried that maybe the dynamic will be unknown. I feel a loss of control, like I may be the problem in a lot of thisā¦and like I just want to be alone and not deal with a lot of this. And also I donāt want my relationship with my roomate to go down the drain like the other two relationships of like this past month.
I think Iām in another OCD episode but this time it feels so different even though when I read my old posts Iām describing the same thing somehow that doesnāt register in my brain and I feel like I havenāt ever felt this way before. Even the obsessions are the same but it feels like itās more threatening because of this feeling that itās different. When my obsessions take over it also feels like Iām almost in a trance or like Iām not really present, Iām just in a bubble of panic that I canāt control and I donāt feel like the same person I am when Iām not in an OCD episode. I know the way to actually get out of this is to accept all the feelings and continue doing things normally instead of giving in to the avoidance and compulsions and Iāve even successfully done it before but how am I supposed to ignore the sense of impending doom and the distressing thoughts that make me feel like Iām not in my body and the feeling that itās different and itās dangerous? Does anyone else feel these things and have tips on how to accept it? I donāt want to be sucked back in to how bad I know this can get, I want to try to get out of it sooner than previous times.
Can I be honest? Im kind of panicking rn. Im exhausted and scared of everything constantly. I havenāt left my house in the past 3 ish months because my ocd perceives everything as a threat. Especially everything outside of my place. Tomorrow is a big day. Iām gonna go out for the first time with an old friend. But Iām so scared. My ocd is already thinking of all the āwhat ifsā and my heart is racing. But Iām going to push through it because my ocd has taken experiences, time, and happiness from me. Iām just tired of it and I really gotta draw the line somewhere. And i feel like this is where. I really canāt let it take me away from people I care about and care about me. But itās terrifying even though I know itās irrational. It doesnāt make it any less scary. Honestly I just need some validation, words of wisdom, or just encouragement. No one in my life really gets what itās like to have ocd. Idk if you feel called to comment I appreciate you. But if you donāt and you made it this far. Thanks for hearing me out š«
Tomorrow I'm going to a protest. It's my first protest ever, and I'm terrified! I was supposed to go with my Dad, but he forgot and made plans with someone else. I really want to be there, so even though I'm super anxious, I'm going to go alone. The last protest in my city had a big turn-out and was really peaceful, so I feel like I shouldn't be too anxious, but there's a possibility of aggressive counter protestors or ICE showing up (which I know might escalate things). And apparently, you aren't supposed to bring your phone to a protest, but I need to be able to communicate with my family since I'm being dropped off. I'm just panicking a bit, I guess. Sorry if I'm rambling. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone, and I want to show up for people who aren't able to. This is important to me, but I'm really scared and questioning whether or not I'll be safe going alone.
Hi guys I really struggle with compulsively googling or going through my text messages from years ago or going through my pictures to try to prove/ disprove things based around my obsessions (sure many can relate) . I am at the point where I feel like I need to just live without technology but we all know thatās lowkey impossible in this day and age. I am a student and currently hunting for full time jobs so maybe a flip would make things difficult idk. I am confused though, because if I do get a flip phone, would that be like avoidance over sitting with discomfort, or would it force me to sit with it like āwelp I have no way of knowingā Also I know that you can still text and take pictures and all that sort of thing on a flip but I think it would help me with my compulsive googling or not going through my contacts if I start fresh with a flip. like on the one hand it would help with not being able to do a compulsion but on the other itās like I feel like I wouldnāt be stopping the compulsion out of my own will power, I just straight up wouldnāt really be able to do the compulsion. This is all so confusing. Anyways - opinions?
Is there anyone that suffered/suffers from health ocd? A good example would be taking your blood pressure and heart rate obsessively and asking yourself if your ok? If so tell me and how you overcame it little by little I want to hear wins
My OCD is relatively tame compared to when it was at its worst, but the other night I found myself having one of, if not, the worst panic attack I ever had. I was completely hysterical one night, and couldnāt breathe too well due to the uncontrollable sobbing. My body was so tense from the anxiety and trying to withhold my rage for that prolonged period of time and my body was responding to it like some overly traumatic experience, as in, I felt like my blood was vibrating all throughout my body and I lost a lot of motor control due to uncontrollable shaking (couldnāt operate my phone efficiently to text or call for help) and my hands started involuntarily opening, all while not being able to catch my breath. It felt akin to where youāre doing extreme resistance training and your muscle memory moves your limbs on their own, but also uncontrollable shaking. Thankfully, this was an oh fuck moment and I eventually got myself to lock in. I attributed this to just be from tensing so much and anxiety induced, and sure enough I looked up my symptoms (these seem to be common with extreme panic attacks) so Iām not going to obsess with it and wonder if thereās something physical going on. Iām wondering if anyone else experienced something similar and how to thwart them off before it gets unmanageable? I found that subjecting your entire body to cold water (cold shower) literally shocks and as resets your system. I always knew that cold exposure was sworn by for muscle recovery, stress, mood, (every UFC fighter does this and it biologically activates your diving(?) reflex which slows your heart rate) but I never thought about doing it during a panic attack, it just never crossed my mind. This is a go to method for panic for me now (and then soothing with hot water after the few minutes of abrupt ice cold water) but Iād like some for when Iām in public, or some place where a shower isnāt available. Deep breathing has helped me in the past but Iām especially out of practice and i find it impossible when Iām unconsolably sad or mad. So yeah, if anyone has some healthy coping mechanisms, some for in panic and some to nip it in the bud. Hope the cold exposure helps for some people just be mindful of falling if you get into an ice cold shower because it kind of takes your legs out for a second š
It's Friday, and that means it's time for our weekly wins thread! What's one thing you're proud of this week? Let us know in the comments, no matter how big or small.
Every time I see a pretty girl I donāt want to admit to myself that sheās pretty because that will make me think Iām gay but I donāt want to be in a relationship with her but my brain is making me think that if a girl is pretty youāre gay. Does anyone else feel this way? Also kinda unrelated but some people say they liked the idea of a relationship with a man, but not the actual relationship. I used to be SO excited to get into a relationship with a man, i was obsessed (in a non ocd, excited, happy way!). I would see cute couple reels and be so excited because that will be me one day. I still want to have a relationship with a man not a woman, but now my brain is telling me I just like the idea, and I wonāt like a relationship with a man even though deep down I have always wanted to have a relationship with a man. Im also feeling like Iām kinda losing attraction to men but I donāt want to and it feels like Iām gaining attraction (probably false) to women please help. Iām so scared it feels so real like Iām actually gay
its been a week after my last post and i decided to make a new post in celebration of my birthday. For background, i actually was in therapy for 3 years and just finished it earlier this year. I was officially in remission when i stopped therapy, but i admitted i was really scared not having weekly session anymore. i felt like i have nothing to hold on to. the ocd slowly creeping back in after months and i struggled really bad, because i cant seem to stop doing compulsion. i felt so insecure and scared. my greatest fear of feeling this terrible feeling for the rest of my life didnt seem impossible at that point and i had no option other than to accept it. but after coming to this app, reading posts, and did some reflection, i thought, it doesnt hurt to try to do erp again by my own and apply the tools i learned through therapy. looking back, i realized i didnt do all the homework and yes i wasnt discipline at all. i think, i was still consumed by fear standing on the corner of my room, just looking at me, ready to pounce at me anytime. restarting feels so intimidating at first, i felt like a failure and honestly ashamed to spent time and money just to stay scared still. i did it anyway, starting from small stuffs like delaying compulsions, timing it, acknowledging feelings and not judging it, just let it wash over, moving through the thoughts, etc. it was just as difficult as the first time i started, i just wanted to scream my head out everytime i have intrusive thoughts, feelings, and urges š i reread my notes from my past sessions and do the erp i used to do and i didnt get to (because as i said i didnt do all the homework š). the progress has been good i would say. im able to catch the moment im about to ruminate and not being too caught up in the string of thoughts. its still difficult to stay moving despite my intrusive thoughts, but i try my best! i started to have thoughts that are even more explicit and honestly i want to beat myself everytime it popped out, but no compulsion, so i have to just feel the uncomfortable feelings and not trying to do a whole analysis and write an essay in my head about my thoughts. not gonna lie, i still catch myself doing compulsion here and there, but i dont beat myself too much over it. just move on with my day despite how awful it made me feel. oh boy its a long post š but im hoping to be more committed in trying to do better for myself. what im trying to remind myself is that this isnt going to be easy at all, i will have ups and downs, and its just what i have to deal with. its not gonna be upward trend everytime. thank you guys for making me feel less lonely in this journey. thank you for sharing your journey and motivating others. i regret not looking up this community earlier in my therapy, because another thing i really struggled with is the fact no one in my life understand what im going through. i dont blame them for it, ocd is difficult to understand to those who are not going through it. and i finally saw you guys here sharing about your struggles and your wins as well! sending you guys luck and blessings. have a nice day!
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OCD doesn't have to
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