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I would love to hear your go to strategies when you realize you have been giving into mental compulsions & rumination and have gotten lost in your head. How do you get unstuck/come back to reality?

I got blackout drunk last night and feel the worst unexplainable guilt, dread and shame today. I’m worried I could have said or done something embarrassing while out at the bar towards the end of the night when my memory is absent. Worried I could have been judged for being drunk by all the people I ran into (lots of people home for the holidays). I just have an unshakable feeling of guilt and shame and the false memory “what ifs?” catastrophizing everything. Like I know drinking heavily isn’t healthy but outside of that, I feel like nothing inherently bad happened last night. Most people probably wouldn’t be dreading the “what if I said something embarrassing” aspect as much as me and would just say, whoa I overdid it last night. But to me it feels like rock bottom every time I’m hungover from drinking heavily lately. Didn’t used to be this way but it’s almost like the alcohol is pouring gasoline on my OCD catastrophizing. I don’t really know how normal this is but just wanted to see if anyone else deals with it or has advice for today. Because it’s so hard to get out of my head right now.

I always recommend seeking professional help because it’s safer and way more effective to do it with a professional since they know EXACTLY what to do. But if you can’t see a professional right now and you have no idea when you’ll be able to seek help from an OCD therapist due to money or where you live, here’s an extensive list of tools and resources to help you get better and/or stay recovered. -Look into OCD and Anxiety’s YouTube channel, aka Nathan Peterson! He also has an online OCD course you can do for a fee, -Download either the Calm app or Insight Timer app for guided meditations, -Read ALL the books by Lee Baer and Martin Seif on OCD and anxiety, -Look into Therapy in a Nutshell’s YouTube channel, -Start doing yoga! Because exercise is good for you. I suggest the YouTube channel Yoga with Adriene, -Start watching Thich Nhat Hanh’s guided meditations and talks on mindfulness. Also, buy his books on meditation and mindfulness, -Look into OCD International’s website if you’re international (or is the US but having issues finding help outside of NOCD) for help, -If you struggle with trauma/PTSD, I highly suggest Tim Fletcher on YouTube, -If you are looking for inpatient treatment for extreme OCD, look up Rogers Behavioral center’s website. You can even reach out to them for help, -What is OCD? Explained by Nathan Peterson: https://youtu.be/eeTFME9mOMc?feature=shared -What’s Pure O OCD? https://www.verywellmind.com/pure-o-primarily-obsessional-ocd-4159144 -Stopping Rumination’s Tough! Video by Nathan Peterson: https://youtu.be/CkcspsmLh9k?feature=shared -What is an OCD backdoor spike? https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/info/ocd-stats-and-science/backdoor-spikes-how-to-deal-with-sudden-ocd-episodes -5 Things To Do Other Than Compulsions: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/five-things-to-do-instead-of-compulsions -How To Stop Rumination Video: https://youtu.be/CkcspsmLh9k?feature=shared -Confessing compulsion vs. healthy sharing: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/ocd-compulsive-confession-vs-healthy-sharing -Somatic OCD & How To Treat It? https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-is-somatic-ocd -Intrusive Thoughts: Images, Sensations, and Stories by Dr. Martin Seif: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-with-a-sticky-mind/202305/unwanted-intrusive-thoughts-images-sensations-and-stories -Therapy in a Nutshell’s Playlist on Panic Attacks: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiUrrIiqidTWhubkHEJcr6iTLVRxXZmPE&feature=shared -ERP scripting: https://www.shalanicely.com/aha-moments/erp-scripting-for-ocd/ -What is Rumination? https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/the-rumination-trap -Forgiveness for Past Mistakes Video: https://youtu.be/2Lq1Su3mEHw?feature=shared -The Hidden Power of Swearing at Your OCD: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/beyond-the-doubt/201711/the-hidden-power-of-swearing-at-your-ocd -Taking The Power Away From OCD: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/taking-the-power-away-from-intrusive-thoughts -Worry Script: https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/WorryScript.pdf -What is ERP therapy: https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/ocd-treatment/erp/ -What’s An OCD Trigger? https://psychcentral.com/ocd/what-is-an-ocd-trigger -Differences Between OCD & GAD: https://ocdla.com/ocd-vs-gad-7071 -The Psychology of Seeking Reassurance: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/reassurance-seeking-ocd-anxiety-how-to-stop-cycle -Grounding Techniques: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/grounding-techniques -OCD vs. Phobia Differences: https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/info/related-symptoms-conditions/ocd-vs-phobia-how-to-tell-the-difference -ERP Techniques for Reassurance video: https://youtu.be/D1O3RGnLjRM?feature=shared

So, today in church I was seating in the seat and then the pastor says the classic, “Greet your neighbor.” So I avoid all eye contact and am just like, “Please no one come up to me.” And then a little kid comes up to me. And I tried to avoid him and I understand that’s rude but still. And then I put my hand out as a fist bump and was there with it like for a few seconds and then I just gave up. Then my parents lectured me and I said I don’t give good hugs and then they gave me a group hug which I did not want (we’re Mexican though) and then my sister came and I put my knees up, and then to the side and let her hug me and I’m worried what it means. Also I’m more friendly to my sister right now that my parents are gone for some reason. I called her sweetie, put her hood on when she was swinging because I saw her shoulders and I guess part of my thoughts was like, “She’s gonna feel really cold.” And also like, maybe I am looking a little too much into it.

Schizophrenia OCD. Has anyone ever had this fear, if so can you tell me how bad it got for you? I’ve been doing better these last few weeks. I stoped googling symptoms, stop my mental compulsions, how ever my mind is so worked up, i notice every little sound around me, i stopped checking to make sure what i hear is real (which is extremely hard and peaks my anxiety) also started obsessing over my eyes and what i see, noticing every little moment rather is leaves falling, lights flashing, eye floaters, EVERYTHING! Shit is so difficult at times but I keep pushing! I just want to know if anyone can relate to this.

I peed 4 times today and I feel like peeing again now too. I'm scared that it's diabetes because ik its a symptom. I'm very anxious

I went into my parents room without any clothes on to grab underwear and I accidentally saw a super young photo of me as a child and since I didn’t have any clothes on, it’s saying what if I did something bad or if I’m a bad person even though it’s me haha

With my OCD I have been struggling a lot with relationship OCD. I feel like anything that goes slightly wrong my mind makes me feel like I have to bring it to my bf and talk about it to make the worry go away. And I feel better after usually but it still lingers in the back of my mind telling me "he might not be the one" " maybe you should leave him" " maybe he will become abusive". These thoughts terrify me because I really love him and want this to work out. And so by the OCD saying things like this is makes me question my relationship. And I go through these phases of being like omg I'm so in love with him and then other times I'm like what if I don't love him because he did this or it could mean that. It's like a rollercoaster. Alongside that rollercoaster, I feel like I'm on another one of my OCD being fine for a few months then picking up like crazy, like right now. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with the bad phases to wait it out till the good phases that are much more manageable?

Hello My partner is getting mean because they are tired of my OCD. I am getting frustrated because they don’t understand that this is not a choice for me, it is just how I am…I have been doing ERP for 6 years with little to no progress. It is to hard and I can’t do it

m 17 years old, female, im diagnosed with ocd , and ive been struggling a lot these past several years, but these past several weeks specifically have been hell, because it’s bringing back real events that took place when I was younger ,, when I was 5-7 I used to choke the pet kitties we had, I’m not sure why I would and i know I’d never do that again, just seeing other people yell at any animal makes me feel angry at the person and I can’t stand aggression towards animals, so I know I’ve changed and I was just a stupid kid. But what’s bothering me more is something else I did, I’m not sure if I’m remembering correctly, I was a terribly impulsive child, exposed to inappropriate/scary/pornographic content too young, I’m not sure what lead me to this but I was with my sister who is 5 years younger than me (1-3) at the time in my room, and I think I made our tongues touch… I don’t think I tried kissing or anything like that. Im not even totally sure if I’m remembering correctly either, But god, if I am, I can’t stop thinking about it, I feel sick everytime I do, I feel so much guilt, and I feel like I should tell my parents, why would I even do that?? It’s making me not wanna be around my sister, I feel like crying everytime I see her now, and my ocd makes me feel even worse than I already do about all of it, I know a while after that when I was a bit older maybe still under/around 10? Me and my older cousin did a challenge where we had to kiss to guess the flavor of a lip gloss,again not sure what lead to that.. I feel so gross specifically about the sister thing, the thing is I don’t actually remember doing it, I just remember licking my thumb afterwards and thinking to myself that it felt the same???? But I have no memory of how or what happened with the tongue thing. Idk. I just feel sick, I know I was a really bad child, I was mean and I was inappropriate at too young an age, and my father was always a bad example. I didn’t grow up with the best home life, but I don’t know if that’s an excuse. And me being only 17 now, I feel like I don’t deserve to live if I did something like that as a kid to my own sister. I love her very dearly and she’s one of my best friends, but idk if I can be near her anymore with all this in mind. Idk what to do. I feel horrible, any advice is appreciated.. sorry for talking so much

This is my first time ever making a post or even talking about this in general, but I just want to vent i guess. For years ive been dealing with gerd/acid reflux, it has me constantly burping all day everyday and causes severe stomach pain at some points when it comes to my meal timings. Recently though, it’s like I can feel its effects more intensely. It’s been causing pressure in my chest, a racing heart, and other odd sensations within my body that Ive never had or noticed before. Earlier this year I literally had to call paramedics after a gerd flare up caused some weird pain in my chest. Of course my habit of searching up every little symptom ended up sending me into one of the most intense panic attacks I’ve ever had :( I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack and I made the call. Even after getting the all clear, my brain wouldn’t stop spiraling and I had my father contact many of his cardiologist friends and even got a second ekg because I was convinced something was wrong with my heart. There is nothing wrong with it, it’s just gerd! And nowadays, even though I KNOW that the odd sensations and feelings of discomfort that I feel are very likely caused by gerd, I can’t help but feel like something else and more serious is going on, and I enter this rabbit hole of looking up new conditions and diseases that I manage to convince myself that I have that I most definitely do not have. I zero in on normal bodily functions like breathing, heartbeat, the sensation of swallowing, etc and the more I focus on them the weirder it feels so I start to panic and am forced to do breathing exercises to calm myself down quite often. It has been so stressful to my mental health this past semester and the anxiety messes with my sleep! At times I find myself unable to sleep due to my body jolting awake as I fall asleep and feeling a sudden rush of adrenaline. Of course I searched this up too (I’ve really been trying to stop searching up symptoms, but I can’t help it sometimes) and found that my nervous system being stimulated due to my anxiety contributes to these jolts! So im essentially stuck in this loop of feeling slightly unwell, getting anxious about it, trying to figure out what’s wrong which then makes me more anxious, and then ruining my sleep which results in me feeling even more unwell. I’m so tired of this, I just want to be calm and worry free :( I will note that I have been seeing doctors and am working towards seeing a proper gastroenterologist! I just wanted to let out my frustrations about how I currently feel and see if maybe someone is going through something similar. Now im just rambling at this point but I also got all 4 of my wisdom teeth out last week. If you’ve ever had a tooth extracted, chances are you know about the risk of dry socket. This week has been so bad with me being paranoid about getting it, even while I’m already past the risk window! I keep checking my extraction sites and every little spike of pain causes me to worry. I’ve limited my diet to liquids and mush, and as a foodie it’s been so difficult to deal with. Im so hungry all the time now and I just can’t wait to be fully healed

My sexual OCD has reached a point that feels beyond control. It's strange I can go hours without thinking about it but as soon as a fragment of it comes into my mind it's almost like my brain won't let me test until I've looked or acknowledged the thing in some way. I'm truly so scared. It feels like I'm one bad thought away from losing my girlfriend who I love so much. I wish there was a button to make me forget any past sexual experiences I've had that weren't with her. It's aughul. I don't know how to make it stop. I feel like I have to constantly engage my brain in physical activities like drumming or talking to people or even doing something like this. It's strange but when I talk about it the images themselves stop. As soon as I try to relax or watch a show I'm genuinely invested in watching. It's like my mind wants to go someplace else. But I don't. It's weird I know I don't want to think about these things but some rogue part of my mind does. And I hate it. I have a therapist and he tells me about the conscious and unconscious mins. But why can't I make them go away once they enter my conscious mind. I hate it I want some peace. I feel like I'm Indulging or fantasising about these things which is silly because I'm not. I don't think about these things in a dwelling sense. But for seconds at a I have this frequent battles in my head. Like it's trying to force it's way in but I don't want it to be there. But my mind feels like it's going towards it. I want this to stop. Does anyone understand this feeling

Hey everyone, this is my first time posting on here. This is a long post but I would REALLY appreciate some responses to this. Does anyone else deal with parents who are unempathetic and claim to understand OCD but actually do everything in their power to make it harder for you at every single turn? For example, I live with my parents and younger siblings currently (now that I’m employed again, I WILL be moving out in 2026 come hell or high water) and I don’t use the same fridge as them because they don’t care about making me feel even slightly comfortable enough to use it. I have my mini fridge in the garage but I moved it into the kitchen because it’s too cold in the garage in the winter and the compressor shuts down, which means my food melts. For the past 3 years, I’ve had to keep my fridge in the garage despite the fact that the food melts because my dad claimed that the kitchen couldn’t accommodate the electric power of a mini fridge (this was a lie). For the last 3 years I’ve had to stand in a freezing cold garage and microwave ALL of my food as soon as I buy it before it melts. However, this year my dad said that the fridge would be able to go in the kitchen (nothing has changed from the previous years; he just didn’t want to feel the cold air from the garage every time I went in and out and because it was affecting HIM, he decided to do something about it. But he didn’t care I was freezing my behind off for the last 3 years). Anyway, I had to move the fridge by myself while my dad (a tall, 200+ pound man) watched me struggle because he told me he didn’t feel like washing his hands and wearing a pair of gloves in order to help me. When I pointed out that not being able to move my fridge would lead to a greater decline in my health, more disordered eating, and diabetes (which I only got while living with them because I wasn’t eating frequently) he didn’t care. My mom refused to wash her hands and wear gloves too. And before anyone says that them washing their hands and wearing gloves would have been enabling the OCD; it wouldn’t have. It would’ve been helping me. The fact that I was even going to let them touch the fridge was the brave exposure that I was doing. It is truly evil to refuse to do something as simple as washing your hands and wearing a pair of gloves because “you don’t want to” when you see that your family member is starving and experiencing health issues because of a household environment that you created that they’re not comfortable to live in. I would appreciate some helpful advice or encouraging responses from y’all!

It wasn’t easy

Hello! I haven’t really posted a “normal” post on here before, my only posts so far have been replies and a short comic I did. But I wanted to make a post about boundaries because I was wondering if anyone else struggles with this. I’m still unpacking my diagnosis and understanding how OCD appears in my life (it’s hard when everything you do feels normal to you) but in my reflecting I’ve been wondering if the reason I find boundaries so abstract/difficult to understand is because of OCD. On a practical level I know what boundaries are but I struggle with them in practice. Mostly when it comes to myself. If someone shares with me something that they don’t want me to do, I have no problem following it. When it comes to me, however, I don’t know where to even start. I feel guilty a lot of the time about having and expressing needs that I think may impose on someone else’s. I often find I talk myself down in order to keep the status quo in fear of conflict. But this is exhausting, obviously. I also struggle, I think, because I’ve had loved ones, unintentionally or not, punish me for expressing a boundary or need. It feels like either way, no matter what I do, I just wind up feeling worse so what’s the point? I don’t know. If you read this thank you! And if it resonates with you I’m sorry.

I make my boyfriend want to die and I feel disgusted with myself My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and nearly all of it has been long distance. We started talking April of 2023, we started dating September 2023 though we acted like a couple way before then, then I moved like march of 2024. Immediately after I moved, I started confessing a bunch of stuff to him. I still talked to my ex the months while my boyfriend and I were just in the talking stage. It wasn’t in a romantic way and it was maybe a few days out of the month, like maybe once a month or sometimes more. I’d ask questions about how I was in my past relationship with him so I could be better in my new relationship or I’d talk about my mental health and things I wasn’t comfortable talking to my now boyfriend, about. My boyfriend started talking to me literally like a month or two after my relationship had ended so I don’t think I was completely over it, I needed time to heal. I liked my now boyfriend so much though that I just blocked all of that out. He treated me so well, he was so handsome and interesting, I loved being in his presence. I was so happy with him and I felt like my old relationship didn’t matter anymore. Anyway, I also stalked my exes socials even when my boyfriend and I had started dating. I stopped talking to my ex when my boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend though. I didn’t think it was wrong, I didn’t realize it was wrong at the time. I didn’t want to be with my ex, I didn’t like him anymore and I actually ended the relationship. He treated me so horribly that I stoped loving him, or liking him at all. I confessed everything to my boyfriend though while on my way to my new state. I hurt him so much and that was only the beginning. He initially wanted to break up, but eventually chose to stay. It was a rough few weeks though. Then I got my first job ever and that opened up a whole new can of worms. This was my first real, serious relationship. I started finding other people attractive, I found myself wanting to other people to think I was pretty, I had thoughts, and I also stalked people from my past on insta. I confessed yet again, everything to my boyfriend. Every single thought, every single small action, everything. I had never experienced these things before, being in a relationship and still finding others attractive, being in a relationship and stalking people from my past, wanting other people to notice me. These were things I was used to doing while single and things I’m not sure if I did in my past relationship, but I just didn’t notice. I felt horrible though, I felt disloyal, I felt like he needed to know. I made him feel so horrible and depressed. Then I got a new job, same stuff happened, I confessed, and the cycle repeated itself. Then again, I confessed my every thought, every small action, everything. He begged me to stop confessing, he said he didn’t want to know anything, he said I was making him depressed and insecure. I was making him feel like he wasn’t enough. I confessed such horrible things to him, not cheating just things you should never tell your partner, things you should keep to yourself. If I imagined myself with someone else, I confessed, if I stalked someone from my past with no weird intentions but then maybe started to think I found them attractive and my intentions were weird, I confessed, if I walked past someone on purpose or found someone attractive at work, I confessed. If I didn’t confess, it would eat at me. I’d feel sick, I wouldn’t be able to eat for days, I’d lay in bed crying and I’d call out of work. I’d feel so dirty and confessing was my only way to feel clean again. I stoped confessing around December of last year. The damage was already done though, I changed my partner and our relationship. Then my partner got a new job and I started to think he was cheating. I’m not going to go through every single thing that happened, it would be too much. I made him unfollow girls from work who made me uncomfortable simply because I was insecure even though they were just his friends, I was constantly questioning him and getting upset, I was constantly stressing him. He wasn’t perfect and did some things to make me uncomfortable, not display just things that weren’t okay, but it didn’t warrant my behavior, I was too controlling. He lied to me twice and I found something out that really hurt me. Again, wasn’t anything disloyal, just not okay. It really broke my trust and since then, I haven’t been able to feel secure. It’s been over a year and I still question him about situations, I question him about irrelevant girls, I stress him out so much. For the past few months I’ve been questioning him about a girl he talked to for maybe two months before him and I met. They were just friends as well but she was really weird and he ended up hating her. I’ve consistently brought her up probably every week for idek how many months. I’ve asked if he looks at her account, finds her pretty, I ask him and over and over again if he liked her, I’m always bringing her up. One time, the same day I brought her up, he had listened to a song, the same song she posted herself to on her story. It wasn’t a very popular song, and he said he had seen it in an edit but he couldn’t find the edit anywhere. Ever since then, I’ve questioned him about it and I’ve accused him of looking at her account. Inconsistent things have happened in the past before though and that triggered me. Like him saying he doesn’t have Snapchat but there being a green dot on his name, him saying certain people are blocked but they disappear off of his blocklist, there’s been a lot more. I’ve asked for proof of things, I’ve kept tabs on him, I’ve been so horrible. I used to have his location but I deleted Life360 because that’s weird. His location was off one time that he said he was with family and I questioned him. I stalk his PlayStation and if he says he’s busy but it seems he’s playing video games, I question him. I ask to see his blocklist to make sure every girl I had him blocked, is still blocked. He visited recently for a week and it was amazing, we’ve never been happier, but after he left I spiraled. I searched that girls name on insta to see if she’d come up and she didn’t. A few days later I asked him if he had blocked her and he said yes, I asked to see and his blocklist order had changed. He said he didn’t know how and I spiraled. We had talked about it a few times prior to him leaving but it wasn’t enough. When he got back home, his WiFi was out for over a week and he couldn’t text. He had to walk far out of his neighborhood which is dangerous, just to text me. I spammed him, I told him I wanted to break up, that I was done, that he’s a cheater, etc. I kept having these ups and downs and these mood swings. One minute I was convincing myself he cheated and the next I was like, he could never do that to me. He would walk out of his neighborhood sometimes just to answer, I knew it was dangerous for him but I felt so insecure that I didn’t care. He asked me to stop texting until he had WiFi again and I tried, but then I’d start to spiral and overthink again and I’d spam. Finally he could text because he had went to see family in Mexico. He promised he’d answer some old messages an hour after waking up the next day but ended up not doing that. He had to sleep on the floor and he told me he had spent the day so tired, trying to sleep. I didn’t care, he broke his promise and I was so upset. I’m used to him ignoring my messages sometimes so this really pissed me off, especially since I spent a week not being able to talk to him. This happened on Christmas by the way. I spent all day waiting for him to keep his promise and reply to my messages but he never did. Then he didn’t reply to me for like 12 hours, no update or anything. I spammed him again, and I sad the meanest things I could think. I hate you, you’re horrible, you’re just like everyone else, you make me want to die, I hate you so much, etc. I had convinced myself he didn’t care about me anymore. He broke his promise and he didn’t update me. He answered at like 2pm today saying he had went back to California and he still didn’t have WiFi at his house. He said he didn’t update me because his phone had died. Then today, I questioned something he had said during a conversation where I was talking about that girl. We ended up getting into an argument and he called me. He was crying, saying that he’s so tired of me bringing her up and that she’s not relevant at all, and I make him want to die and he’s so tired. This made me realize how absolutely horrible and disgusting I am. I love him so much and I just want to be happy with him, I don’t realize what I’m doing until after. I convince myself he’s this horrible cheater sometimes and I piece together a bunch of things in my head that I think is evidence. I stalk his every move and think certain things are proof that he’s cheating when really, they’re a product of my imagination. I’ve ruined my relationship, most of it has just been be stressing him out and making him want to die. I know I need help, this isn’t normal. These mood swings, my overthinking. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and talking to a therapist doesn’t help. He’s cried to me before, saying he could never cheat on me because his dad cheated on his mom and he was cheated on twice as well and it’s just such a horrible thing that he could never do. Is my relationship past the point of fixing? Have I ruined things too much? Everything is so dirty now and I can’t make it clean again. I can’t undo everything that has happened and so much has happened. Every single day I’m stressing him out. He’s mentally ill too and I make him need therapy, well his family too but still. I haven’t been there for him when he’s needed me the most, I make him swear on the people he loves just so I can believe him, even when they’re sick. I’m literally such a disgusting person. I don’t mean to be this way, I really don’t, I don’t want to be horrible. He makes me so happy and I’m so happy with him. I just convince myself he’s cheating or doing things behind my back and it feels so real in my head. I ruin his happy day, the holidays, his birthday, I ruin everything. These past two weeks that I’ve convinced myself he’s doesn’t care about me or love me and that he’s cheating, I’ve imagined myself with other people that I know or knew because I’m so scared of being alone. I’ve looked at people who are attractive, I’ve hoped people would notice me, I’ve been so horrible. I was convinced he was cheating and I’d end up alone. I don’t want other people, I just want my boyfriend. We’ve been together since I was 17 and I’m almost 20 now, is it too late to be better for him? I feel like I’m so manipulative sometimes too. I don’t feel like I do any good. I make him insecure, I stress him out, I don’t stop when he tells me too, I just keep going, I trigger his ptsd by being so stressful, I hurt him and make him depressed, I haven’t supported him in crucial times and I even STILL questioned him about things when he was going through heavy things, I let my insecurities consume me and I let the need to confess, consume me.

Hi …if you’re reading this and you have contamination OCD…with hand washing and cleaning rituals, I really could use a community member(s) who can share their story and or struggles…and we could be a support to one another. Anyone on Team Contamination out there?😂

OCD is kicking my butt. I have to accept that I will sin. No one is perfect all of the time. I just feel like w ERP I am planning on sinning and it is stressing me out. I read to go back to your baseline to establish your true values on what your comfortable w before ocd and allow for this amount of imperfection/sin to escape the perfectionist loop. I’m just so scared of sin.

I dropped my candy bar I just bought on the bathroom floor in the store, it was sealed still, as I just bought it, I put it back in the bag and didn’t think much about it and ate it later. Now I just now thinking about the fact I ate it, and I looked it up and it said that I should’ve thrown it away even though it was sealed because there is still a good chance of bacteria. I’m seriously freaked out. Wth was I thinking… how cooked am I guys

Crystal was an 18-year-old single mother, balancing diapers and deadlines, art brushes and baby giggles. As she crled her six-month-old daughter, Ava, close, the vibrant sketches in her notebook seemed like distant dreams. Her mind was trapped in a relentless storm: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and a darkness that clawed deeper – suicidal thoughts. It started innocently enough. As a teenager, Crystal was meticulous about order – her things had their place, her pencils sharpened to a precise point. But as she entered her senior year of high school, pregnant and scared, the whispers in her mind grew loud. At first, they were manageable doubts: "Did I lock the door?" "Are the lights off?" "Is Ava safe?" Soon, they morphed into merciless screams. Crystal became consumed by an irrational fear of contamination – of herself, of Ava, of everything around them. Every touch ignited a firestorm of anxiety: germs lurking on diaper bags, bacteria dancing in the air Ava breathed, dirt embedding into her skin. Her hands, once instruments of creativity, now trembled with the compulsion to wash – wash, and wash, and wash. She scrubbed them raw, the pain a fleeting distraction from the chaos in her head. What if she harmed Ava with a careless touch? What if she wasn’t clean enough to care for her? Her rituals turned her days into a checklist of compulsions: - Tap the faucet exactly five times before turning it on. - Wash her hands in scalding water for precisely seven minutes, repeating a silent prayer with each pass. - Avoid touching anything “dirty” – public spaces, Ava’s toys, even her own hair – lest she spiral into hours of cleansing. - Check Ava’s crib compulsively, ensuring everything was “just right,” fearing something terrible would happen if she didn’t. The world shrunk. Social gatherings turned to torture: What if she touched someone? What if she got “infected” and harmed Ava? Her single mum responsibilities felt overwhelming – she barely slept, barely ate, barely painted. Friends drifted away, confused by her isolation. Her art, once a refuge, now mocked her – brushes felt tainted, colors blurred by fear. Her parents, though supportive, worried endlessly; they couldn’t understand the prison in her mind. And then, the shadows crept in. In the dead of night, when Ava slept and the compulsions ebbed, a harsher voice whispered: What’s the point of it all? You’re trapped. You’ll never be a good mum. Ava would be better off without you. The thoughts terrified her – fleeting images of ending it all, of silencing the pain forever. Crystal felt ashamed, trapped in a cycle of guilt and despair. The OCD was bad enough, but this… this felt like a sentence to a life she couldn’t bear, for herself and Ava. Crystal’s mind was a battleground. “What if I fail to wash enough?” “What if the germs win?” “What if I’m not enough for Ava?” The intrusive thoughts looped, a broken record playing the same fears. Exhaustion clawed at her, but the OCD roared louder: You aren’t clean. You aren’t safe. You aren’t worth it. You’ll fail as a mum. One night, sobbing in her small apartment, hands cracked and red, Ava sleeping beside her, Crystal whispered, “Why can’t I escape?” A fragment of courage flickered – she googled “OCD help” and found a therapist specializing in exposure and response prevention (ERP). She also found a crisis hotline number, tucked it under her pillow, and promised herself she’d reach out. She thought of Ava’s tiny hands, her toothless smile – she had to fight, for both of them. The road to healing was jagged. With Dr. Amadi’s guidance, Crystal faced her demons: touching a “dirty” doorknob without washing, writing sentences without retracing every word, breathing through the urge to check. She practiced holding Ava skin-to-skin without washing first. She spoke to the suicidal thoughts too – acknowledging them as symptoms, not truths, learning to redirect the pain into something raw and real: her art. She found a local support group for mums with mental health struggles. Slowly, the chains loosened. Crystal learned: the thoughts were noise, not truth. She painted again – bold strokes, messy and beautiful – depicting the darkness and the fight to break free, with Ava as her little muse. She touched her baby’s soft skin without hesitation, laughed without counting, and slept knowing she was enough. She called the hotline once, twice – and found words to fight the shadows: “I am hurting, but I am here. I am Ava’s mum. I am strong.” But scars remained, like etchings on her soul. Some days, the OCD whispered back, and the dark thoughts lingered at the edges. Yet Crystal stood firmer, armed with therapy, medication, and self-compassion. She looked at Ava, thriving in her small victories, and knew: “I am not my OCD,” she told herself, voice steady. “I am Crystal, a mum, messy, strong, and free.”