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i'm 22 and my friends are all doing things career wise so is my boyfriend and i'm SO proud of them and no i don't feel like im "behind" because there's no such thing everyone moves at their own pace, but i don't have a job or school at the moment nor do i know what i want to do yet I had a pretty hard year where i absolutely needed to take a break and dropped out of college and it was the right call at the time because i got diagnosed with ocd and did outpatient during that time with therapy, my mental health was too dark to focus on anything bigger than my spirals now with lots of sessions and meds, im getting back on my feet, but when i meet up to have fun with my friends or boyfriend, i'm feeling...kinda directionless, it's just not balanced because i don't have career goals, but Im proud to have worked on myself to get here (yay!) I kinda want to shift focus (now that I can) to working towards a career i just have no idea what to major in (i'll of course figure it out) Im fortunate to have opportunity for school, idk i feel like distancing my self a bit to figure that out, without feeling guilty somehow and without overwhelming myself maybe someone can relate🫶

This theme really sucks. TLDR: my girlfriend had a casual sexual relationship with a guy I used to be friends with. It’s eating me alive. It makes it so hard for me to enjoy time. (And sex) with her. I don’t quite know if it stems from the fact that I knew him. And I feel inadequate because of that or because some other reason. But I’m not sure how to put it past my mind. I love her a lot and do NOT want this to destroy us. What are some tools or things I can do?

The gateway to escaping those unhinged levels of anxiety which you experience while battling OCD is your capacity to see through them as clearly as possible. Key-word: “Capacity” - meaning, it’s all in your hands. Your level of “seeing” will promote your recovery by giving you the motivation and desire to work through the symptoms. However, receiving that clarity through recovery always starts with the decision to decide before you feel the certainty, that you know it’s OCD. Certainty is a quality of living that exists beyond and separate from doubt. Reflect on the way you were certain about things in your life including yourself before you got hit with OCD. Without needing to explain it to yourself, you rested comfortably in truths that needed no reassurance. Those same truths, your OCD is now causing you to doubt obsessively. There is a division (though it’s blurred) between you and your thoughts. There is no division between OCD and doubt. This tells you that you are not the problem. The thoughts are. More importantly, it’s your engagement with them which makes them real in your own mind. Though, the thoughts are illusory, your belief into them and the corresponding fear create a toxic bond which you are much better off without. Recognize that OCD is a bundle of anxiety which is perpetuated by doubt and fed by your fear. Themes change but the process remains consistent. You need not manage the thoughts, only how you relate to them. It’s hard to see in the moment, but through mindfulness/stillness you can get to see that when you feel doubtful, you are simply immersed in “feelings” of doubt, and not reality. You feed the doubts by fighting back or attempting to prove them wrong. It was never a threat, yet you keep the story going when you do anything other than ignore — as you would when a random song is stuck in your head. Don’t take the bait and turn it into a project which we all know leads nowhere (definitely not out of your head). Take a seat in the front row of your mind’s eye with awareness. Watch the OCD parade as it passes by with all its tricks and performances. Let it all pass you by, as it always does. The difference between choosing awareness over your compulsive behaviors is that though both lead you to calmness, with awareness/response prevention (though more challenging), you gradually take your power back from the tug that pulls you into mingling with those absurd, meaningless, stressful thought loops which are intrusively occurring. Like playing a sport with a sprained ankle would worsen it, OCD feeds on your fear and it is rejuvenated through your reactivity. You heal your mind by quieting your mind so it can sort itself out. It’s as voluntary an act as you can allow yourself to treat it.. Learn to stand by and do your own thing as your mind goes bonkers. It’s cool. So long as you remember the ultimate truth which is that you’re suffering thoughts and not reality, you can remind yourself that your only battle is with yourself and what you choose to believe and not believe. Believe that it’s a lie, just as you believe the truth is a lie. That is the only part you have control over, and the good news is that it’s all in your hands. Give it a try.. ☮️❤️

It’s hard and I’m so sad for him. It’s hard to help someone that has a mental illness while I have one myself. I’m noticing it’s bringing forward a lot of anxiety and feelings that I’m not comfortable with. Not to mention, part of what’s making him depressed is he is wondering if we have grown apart in our marriage. He’s going to therapy for many reasons but one of the reasons is for him to eventually level out to a point where he can make a sound decision about whether or not to move forward in our marriage. This has been so hard for me to ignore. I seek reassurance constantly and if I don’t get it my mind spirals. I know that while he’s feeling really low it’s not the time for me to seek reassurance but since he can’t give me that I’m so scared. Scared of what comes next. Scared for how divorce could affect my son. And also so sad because I love him so much and it’s hard to picture life moving forward without him. I keep messing up and escalating things because I can’t stop my impulse of seeking reassurance. I feel so stupid. And angry. And sad. So very sad. My husband says right now he doesn’t feel like leaving me but he wants to explore with his therapist why he has felt that way in the recent past. And when I ask for reassurance he says, “I can’t give you that. What if I say yes we are staying together and then in a month I decide I’m out.” Hearing that terrifies me. Idk what I’m expecting to hear from this place. Maybe I just need somewhere to let it all out to strangers instead of family that could judge.

My OCD has gotten to the point where it’s really affecting my relationship and I know I need serious help. My fiancé can only be so patient when I constantly bring up sensitive things and badger him about them trying to get reassurance. It’s not like I want to bring these things up or even think about them at all, but the OCD is so loud and so demanding that I can’t help it. I’ve tried everything I can, ignoring the thoughts, fighting with them, saying “maybe, maybe not” but nothing seems to be working. I’ve had these themes since last September when a YouTube video triggered them. It’s been so long and my fiancé can only take so much. I still do the compulsions and it feels like I only catch myself after they’ve wreaked havoc on my life and I see how much it’s hurting my fiancé and the people around me. I’m so tired of suffering. It’s like I can’t think about anything else, and when I do get a break from them I sit there scared because I know they’ll come back. It’s this vicious cycle of intrusive thoughts, doing compulsions and then complete shame and devastation. I want to start ERP as soon as possible but I’ve been having so many insurance problems and was on the phone with them for over 3 hours this morning trying to figure it out and I didn’t get very far. It just feels like there’s this mountain to climb and I don’t know if I can do it, I know when I start ERP it will be extremely hard but it will help in the long run. All I know is I can’t keep treating my fiancé the way I do. I feel like my OCD is this massive monster in my head that I can’t fight and win against. It’s taken everything I love most (my fiancé, God, being a mother someday) and turned it against me. I feel stuck because I can’t get my insurance to work and I’m at a breaking point where I feel so depressed and hopeless. I can’t get anywhere without therapy and I can’t get therapy without an insurance that will cover it. And on top of all that my fiancé and I are in the process of figuring out how to move apartments, and the stress is just piling on my shoulders. What can I do in the meantime while I’m waiting for my insurance to be figured out? I need to be able to do something about this now or I’m scared it will leave a lasting impact on my fiancé and I’s connection and God forbid he gets too tired of having to deal with it and leaves. What did you guys do before you could get ERP to help lessen the impact of OCD on your life? I need encouragement and helpful advice please.

Hi, all. I am new here. My name is Bee. After a long period of physical illness that involved some intense suffering at times, I began to develop severe OCD symptoms about four months ago. I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, some of it serious business, but all of that truly felt like a walk in the park compared to this. I am suffering from obsessive and intrusive thoughts about religion, to start with. Some days I pray for hours, other days for less time, but every day I wake up praying now when I did not used to, begging for mercy and forgiveness. I feel obsessed with how I don't know if God is real or not and how I will go to hell for doubting. I also feel obsessed with needing to find the correct religion and change my entire life and become a different person and become pure and devout. This can cause intense terror for me and I can spend hours obsessing over this. Last month I had about four days where I wouldn't get out of bed except to drink milk and water and pray. I have also developed a fear I have forgotten something life-altering. The subject can change, some themes are persistent and more distressing than others, all of them are upsetting. I replay memories for hours and hours and try to retrace movements. I have no evidence for any of these quite frankly whacky and paranoid thoughts and have even disproven some of my obsession points, yet new ones keep cropping up. After suffering for months in silence, I finally revealed to my family what was going on. One person was initially understanding and supportive. The other two basically thought I needed to get over it and stop being crazy. I feel my one supportive person ran out of patience pretty fast, which is understandable considering how crazy-making this all is. I feel I am not taking very good care of myself (lost about five pounds in a week from stress) and am considering inpatient in a couple of weeks if things do not begin to improve. I can certainly say my outlook has dimmed to where I can barely see a glimmer in the dark. I am really struggling with the level of fear and uncertainty I am experiencing. I feel if I could have some relief from this and think more rationally, I would be in a better place. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello to this community and thank you for reading. I am not looking for reassurance. However, any similar experiences/insight would be appreciated. Thank you -- hope everyone is safe and well.

Every single day in my head, I can’t stop having these issues of thoughts about breaking up with my girlfriend, even though everything is perfectly fine and she did nothing wrong and I don’t want to break up, but my ROCD keeps telling me in my head and I’m having these issues of thoughts about it and I’m not thinking about the present And thinking about what if that happens in the future giving me anxiety and panic attacks I know I’m not going to do it but why am I thinking about it?

Hi! I’ve been suffering for SOOCD/ROCD for 4 years. I have done ERP, currently trying ICBT- but I have a very sticky obsession that I’m not sure how to “not care about” anymore or brush off without needing to know. Sexual attraction. OCD latches on to that theme because I was always very romantically driven- never had that urge to rip someone’s clothes off, but sex feels nice with my partner once we figured out what we like (took years). Anyways, of course my fears are saying I am not sexually attracted to him or men but I must be sexually attracted to women because of (corn). Before OCD, none of that bothered me (maybe a what’s wrong with me here or there) but now I’m convinced it means my relationship with my bf has to end and I need to go sleep with girls. I spend all day and night looking into this concept. It’s been an ongoing for a couple months now, which for me usually I get a break in between- but it’s constant and I always end up googling, ruminating in my head if I don’t research, and hyperanalyzing everything it feels automatic. HOW do I stop? What advice can you guys give me? Please help.

I’m so unbelievably stuck. I don’t want to to want to leave my husband and I don’t want to feel so negatively towards him. I’m in this loop where I’m grateful we’re committed and married and that I refuse to leave him so I don’t have to fear losing him and then I feel all these negative feelings and ocd tells me I’ll feel awful with him forever then and freaks me out that way. Any advice?

Sometimes something just rubs me the wrong way and ruins it for me or I can’t get past it. For example it pissed me off how nocd listed someone as an optional therapist, well they had a massive list of therapist, and I did my due diligence by reading/watching all their bios to thoughtfully pick my top 3, only to get on a call with someone who books your first session, and have them tell me those therapist are not taking new patients and then continued to force feed me all these other options. I understand nocd is a business, they want to book appointments out, it guarantees a positive cash flow especially when health insurance is involved. When I said I’d wait until one of my top 3 were available they said no and then suggested I book my first appointment for the next day! I said I’m not in a hurry and I’d rather take my time since therapy is a big commitment and I’d rather not have to play musical therapist. (I booked my first appointment a month out and it’s here next week already). Anyway just had to get that off my mind, first session is next week and while they weren’t in my top 3 I’m still hoping to get closer to healing from ocd, and they seem like they are well qualified. I’m not trying to offend other therapists I just know who I’d probably click with and wanted to avoid having to switch.

hey guys! this is my second time writing this bc I got distracted and the app restarted…… so, in short, I’m at a restaurant eating during traffic hour (hoping to avoid the traffic on the way home) thinking abt the choices I have for school. earlier, I was at one of my campuses since I had some time to go to my afternoon class after my consultation appointment. after class, I thought abt the program coach I talked to this tuesday (I called her a guidance counselor….almost the same thing ig) & walked to the faculty office area I thought abt it and was considering going home, but I ended up talking to her. one of the best decisions I’ve made. I somehow ended up venting a bit & she listened to me. after being by myself for these past few years, it feels great when you can talk to someone. this talk being abt my future career. right now, it’s either I continue engineering, do the technical route, or do a completely different career with the associates degree I’ll get. I withdrew from my precal course. it had to be done. I just couldn’t keep up and it was fast paced. I overestimated my ability to do it. so, now a good chunk of my worries are out of the way and I can focus on my other classes. another thing is that I need to drop a club bc I can’t do all. so, the math club it is. I wanna keep my art club & still interested in the other two engineering clubs. the coach basically said to pick a club where I feel like they’re my kind of people. wheww, I can’t wait to finally start having friends. being alone irl has been a ride, but now I’m ready to grow and not be stuck inside. ofc, I’m not gonna be going out everyday and doing crazy things. I just want to make my life more fun and interesting. I’m quite nervous of what to pick but I’d just like to have a good job that pays for what I need and want, gives me my preferred work life balance, and good work benefits. thinking of engineering being done for another 5 years…..bleugh. it pays but idk if I wanna be in school for that long. now, if I decide that I wanna do that in the future, then for sure. I just hope to find a great job that will keep me happy in life. I wanna be content. I am blessed with what I have now and will do my best to use the resources I have can we get a moment to congratulate me?!?! I’ve been visiting health professionals so I can get back on track on my health & finally focus on issues that have been present for so long!!! I have been using this app and trying tips to help myself be stronger and gain control of my life back!!! I am no longer engaging in intense gambling!!!! I actually saved money to pay for my kitty’s tooth removal surgery!!!! I am a pet parent who has kitties that love her!!! I am getting better at accepting uncertainty of things!!!! I am finally asking for help at school!!! I’m networking when I can!!! I joined a couple of clubs!!! I attended campus events!!! I’m actually doing homework and doing well in my classes?!?! (we don’t count the math class I just withdrew lol) I EVEN VOTED FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! & not just a general election! the primary election that is the MOST important election!!! I’m one of the few that decided to use my voice!!! the smallest actions can make the biggest impact. can you believe it?!?! wow!!! that’s a lot but my goodness! I have accomplished more this year than I have this past year!!! I knew the light wouldn’t die out while I was at war with myself. I didn’t give up on myself. I didn’t give up on life. I’m strong!!! and I know you, who is somehow reading this, are strong as well! some days are tough, but better days replace them & we get stronger each time. I’m not giving up!!! I have much to think abt but I’m not as scared as I used to be. still a bit scared of what I’ll choose, but I always have the choice to choose better! I’m blessed to be in such a position. I hope with time, those who don’t have the opportunity get the chance. I’m yapping again…..well, I’ll leave it at that. since I’ve been sitting here at the restaurant for about….2 hours…..haha….. I’m def gonna shower and work on hw!!! will now get a good portion of my stress taken away (math class) and can focus on chilling with my fam! ain’t that great. I’m hopeful of a better tomorrow. I will try my best to end today on a good note. I can do this!!! wow, I have a lot to do, but it feels quite good. anyway, I might post later. remember to breathe. be kind to yourself. you can do this! hugs 🫂

First off, this may be VERY triggering for some... that is exactly what happened to me and it's lasted for 5 months and counting... I think this is some combo of Health OCD (about the brain) / Existential OCD (what does this neurological stuff mean?) / Pure O etc. .... What neurological damage can happen from memory-checking 1000 times in a row? etc etc etc Idk if this happens for anyone else but I feel like I am VERY / TOO AWARE of my own "neurology" TECHNICAL processes. Like I really NOTICE the TECHNICAL stuff. Like I'm noticing technical thought patterns, brain chemicals, brain circuitry, memory checking and ability, etc. Like some mad scientist who is too much in his own head and over-doing it to the point of destruction. Or maybe this isn't breaking news to anyone, but I feel like I'm alone in this "type" of OCD. It's like if you're taking a jumpshot in basketball. Imagine doing all the technical calculations just to shoot the basketball -- "ok I'm 20 feet from the hoop, my elbow is at a 90 degree angle, my feet are here, blah blah blah".... no that'd end up in an air ball. You're supposed to "think" in basketball but that is clearly over-thinking to the point of destruction -- and the end result is not good, it's crap. When someone like Steph Curry is "in the zone" it's not because they're like over-thinking everything, it's because they've like "become one with the ball and the hoop and the flow" lol. Almost instinctual. Like many, the OCD process: 1. Trigger / Inquiry > Anxiety 2. Memory checking "Ok did I already deal with that inquiry? Let me check my memory... did I miss anything? etc etc. 3. Rumination / Problem Solving 4. Conclusion / Dealt With / Reassurance It's hard to explain, but every time this progression happens, I feel like I am experience the same neurological technical loop. I'm not a neurologist, but I feel like I'm noticing too many neurological processes in real time. Every time this loop happens, I am TRAINING MY BRAIN and strengthening this destructive loop and destructive neurological effects. So if the loop ends with a thought about the memory rather than the memory itself, that's going to be the new circuitry going forward. But with OCD, it feels like an unstoppable train! If I do basically the same lop 1000 times and it's destructive, that's gonna do something to my brain right!? It feels like I'm a train on fire, and the endless fuel is OCD, and the destination is Alzheimer's. Who asked for this? I'm just trying to live my damn life. At this point I'm more scared of actual neurological damage than the inconvenience of having to deal with OCD. Maybe I need to get a brain scan just to put my mind at ease. I do realize that me worrying about "what OCD does to the brain" can become an obsession and anxiety in and of itself. I think my brain is literally fried at this point. It's so mentally exhausted that I just do what I can to deal with whatever the theme is. I just remembered, and I've had OCD for 10 freakin years! I thought I could fix it myself, I put therapy on the backburner to focus on other things, I haven't made it a priority to get it fixed even though it's screwed everything up. I'm working towards that hopefully this year. My advice is to get treatment and no tt wait til OCD fries your brain!

ERP is the key to overcoming OCD. Feel free to ask questions!

So I’ve been together with my partner for 3 years, and since being together, I’ve found myself using victim mentality when it comes to uncomfortable situations. For example, yesterday he was having a rough day mentally and just didn’t want to be talkative and just needed his space in general and what I took that as (this is also where my ROCD comes in) he doesn’t want to talk to me or touch me and I start to convince myself that it feels like we’re roommates. I start crying and feeling a gut punch in my stomach, and I just start to think the worst that he has a problem with me specifically. So he voiced to me that it leaves him frustrated because he feels as if he can’t show emotions because then ill over react. I obviously feel so horrible now because of me, he feels as if he can’t show emotions which is not what I wanna do. I really want to improve on that aspect of myself and realize that it’s not always about me yaknow. So if anyone has advice on how to grow from that, it would be super appreciated<3

hello!! hope y’all are doing well today. just checking in :3 warning: loooong post I’m currently awake now. I was gonna “sleep” my morning away until my dental consultation appointment but I decided to wake up at 10. I felt a bit weird today and still feel so. dunno if it was because of yesterday at work or because I now have slept and recovered from those 2-3 hours of sleep lolol I was going to post last night bc I was quite spiraling over replies on posts abt ppl still sleeping with their parents sometimes as adults. MANY said that it was awkward and to never mention to a future partner. thing is, the times I’ve slept with my dad was when my ex broke up w/ me & I couldn’t stand my room & this year’s winter storm. the ex thing was back in 2023. I have slept in my own room for as long as I can remember. then I read more & thought, am I being dependent on my dad? I mean, he does pay my bills so yes, financially at the moment, but emotionally? I was scared looking at the results bc it might mean that I may have some underlying issues that need to be fixed. maybe I might’ve done some compulsions. anyway, recently I’ve been a bit anxious being by myself in the house while my family is off working (my cats are there, so not rlly alone. need to remind myself each time lol) it’s times when thoughts come into my head and don’t make me feel happy. other times bc I rlly don’t have anything to do & don’t have irl friends. I do have hw to do sooooo, I should focus on that. I’m just quite anxious at times bc my boy is more active than his sister and wants to play sometimes. I do play w/ him when he asks, but I wanna add a window catio for my kitties to chill in while I do my things & as well as a catio on my patio so they can also have access and I don’t have to worry abt any of them escaping. I’ve been thinking of going to the local library to study so I’m not thinking in the background; “my cats are most likely bored. I’m probably boring and don’t play with them enough. I need to focus on them more” when I should be focusing on my studies. I’m taking time to really think about this engineering thing. I rlly want to focus on getting a job I like that can make me financially independent and not worry on homework. bc lately, I’ve been worried on finishing hw & having to cancel some family time bc of said homework. I want to dedicate weekends, sundays for the most part, for family. that’s when almost everyone is off. my brother just works in the evening. I think most of this is bc I’m working part time & doing 17 hours of school credit. 4 being my math class that’s fast paced. I overestimated my skill. at least I’m doing great for my other classes. I dunno. I rlly have to think abt this. I might have to tell the guidance counselor I was speaking with the other day that I need more time to think. my brother is 19 and just working for the most part, but he doesn’t have hw at least. he can chill after he comes home & he has friends to hang around with. he’s going on vacation again for the 7th time & I’m glad he’s doing so. I do have something to talk about to him though. will need to plan later. ANYWAYYY, I’m getting sidetracked. I’m in my car typing this away and should’ve been at the pet store already cmvmvmv I’m trying to do less of reddit searches, bc when I have a question, I usually go there. some may be compulsions, others are just advice. so, I will do my best to use it in a good way. about the whole sleeping with parent thing, I was waiting for my dad to come home to hug him but also was thinking of sleeping beside him. I’m the one that always asks and I ask if he’s ok with it. he’s fine with it and never has he asked that I sleep in his bed. he values his kids’ privacy, which we have our own rooms for we as siblings tend to just hang out in his room sometimes even tho that’s what the living room should be for lolol idk, maybe bc the bed is comfy anyway, I’m talking too much. in short, I still feel a bit weird, but riding thru it. I’ll get over it eventually. trying to like being by myself again, since I didn’t mind in the past. trying to solve issues and be content! I think being “stuck” at home is boring now. ofc, I love my cats, but yk, they chill for the most part and the house gets realll quiet when the kitties are asleep. it’s just me and the ceiling fan running. maybe I’ll start walking outside. when my boy wants to get out, I obviously go out with him but I think it’s helping me heal??? like I still deal with thoughts, but I’m getting a bit better?? so a win??? OK, time to end the post! I’m rambling… going to the pet store to get treats for my kitties. gonna wait to eat until after my appointment bc I’m not sure if I’m supposed to lol and then see if I can get out early enough to attend my afternoon class. gonna do my best to make today good. remember to breathe. be kind to yourself. hugs 🫂 see y’all on the next one

Has anyone had or heard of anyone doing TMS therapy for their ocd/anxiety? My psychiatrist recommended this for me and I’ve never really heard of it. Thanks!

I will concede that many, if not most, therapists want what they believe is best for their patients. They might not even realize that they are doing what I’m about to say, or that they are being defensive when called out on it. With that said, I think much of therapy is gaslighting. At least, that has been my personal experience. For example, when it comes to family issues, I’ve noticed therapists can have the tendency to prioritize keeping families together even when they are abusive or toxic, which can involve gaslighting the adult children (can also be elderly parents, I guess). My parents are very religious while I am not, which has caused friction in the past. I remember telling my therapist over a couple years ago that I am an adult and am financially independent and my parents making demands of me concerning religion and other facets of my personal life doesn’t make sense, and she said I was being totalitarian and that I should take my parents to my office which would prove to them I’m an adult. Keep in mind I was almost 24 at the time, had a full time, professional job and lived several states away from them (they just happened to be visiting). You might be thinking, if I’m so independent, then why does my parents trying to pressure me bother me? I told my current therapist last year that it’s like someone constantly throwing rocks through your window. You can withstand it and could easily replace your window, but you shouldn’t have to. She said that my parents could just as easily argue that I am throwing rocks through their window by not being religious. This is…really dumb. I’m sorry. I know that therapists are supposed to challenge us, but I hope you can see why this is a false equivalence. Pressuring someone to be religious is not the same as someone just existing as a religious person. One is a violation of the person’s boundaries, especially if they made it clear they don’t want that. The other is just existing while not believing in something. I later messaged her about this and instead of apologizing or admitting she was wrong, she told me, among other excuses, that I should’ve said it during our session, a common refrain she has used to this day. This leads me to another issue I have encountered in therapy: any criticism or complaint you might have, no matter how valid, means that something is wrong with you. If you think what your therapist said doesn’t hold under scrutiny, then you are ruminating. If you want your therapist to refrain from something you don’t think is helping you, then that’s resistance. I told my therapist about all the negative experiences I had with her and other NOCD therapists including but not limited to forgetting referrals, lack of accountability and accusing me of rumination whenever I raise a criticism and she replied with, “I am sorry you feel that way” and said that I was seeking reassurance. In the session itself she said that ERP is not suited for “soft” approaches. None of the complaints I raised had anything to do with ERP as we weren’t doing exposures when she said what I referred to. I could go on and on, but I will stop here. Just wanted to give a glimpse of the type of stuff I’m talking about. Trust me, there is a lot more. Am I being anti-therapy by saying all this?

This is a really specific theme I’ve been struggling with lately and I’m not sure if anyone else could relate. My biggest dream someday is to be a mom, and my OCD has latched onto that. I’m terrified of messing up my future children. I’m scared they will grow up to resent me or that I will hurt them without trying to, or that my OCD will traumatize them (I’m trying to get it under control before we even bring them into the world) My fiancé and I know we have infertility issues (male factor) and we know we will definitely have to have babies in another way other than the conventional one. My scrupulousity says it’s sinful to still want to have babies with him even though we can’t do it the way “God intended”. And I know the methods we will have to use are considered sinful to other Christian’s but they’ve never had to deal with this kind of thing. The real grief of infertility and OCD have sort of tangled together and it’s been extremely hard. I’m scared my future children will hate me and my fiancé because of the way we have to have them. I also ruminate on future conversations I will have to have with them about their origin, rehearsing in my head over and over what I would say and how they might react/feel about it. Has any other young woman here dealt with this? And if so how did you deal with the thoughts and fears? I would really appreciate some gentle reassurance here (obviously not to feed the theme but about handling the theme). Thanks guys ❤️

I'm currently in a relationship and i have been for about 3 months now, so far, our only conflicts have been consistently connected to my ocd. (let me explain) I was diagnosed with ocd as a child, and it is something i have lived with for most of my life. My obsessive compulsions have obviously changed over the years but were mostly externally manifested (contamination, rituals, etc.) Becuase of this, and extensive therapy I have become very good at managing it and thought I had it under control. It was not until recently that i began to notice more of the mental, internal loops. So this is still very new to me. When I first met my boyfriend I had th same issue a lot of people seem to have with relationship ocd where i would spend so much time obsessing over his negative traits or over analyzing them out of fear of him not being right for me. I didn't see this as an ocd pattern then though, which I think is what led me to a bit of a "slip" in terms of my ocd management. That eventually faded after about a month but once my brain accepted that this man was indeed the "perfect" man then my obsessive thoughts shifted towards needing to act perfectly in order to never make a mistake and make sure I don't lose him. Most recently, a conflict arose because I was having lots of intrusive thoughts convincing me that I was being unfaithful because I found someone else attractive (even though I had 0 interest in pursuing them and did nothing towards that) The thoughts got so bad I lost my appetite because of how bad my stomach was in a knot from the guilt. He obviously noticed and then got suspicious and when he asked me what went down during my interaction with the person I found attractive I ended up lying about a minuscule random detail because I was convinced I had done something wrong even though again, that was not the case. He got even more suspicious and mad because I had obviously lied and then once he forgave me and let it go he kept saying "I just don't understand why you feel so guilty if you really did nothing to feel guilty about" This left me frustrated because I could clearly see I had hurt him and because it was for the stupidest reason, because I had built up an imaginary scenario in my head and convinced myself it was real. I tried to explain the intrusive thought thing but found it difficult to get my point across without it sounding like a petty excuse. Basically, I just want to know how to talk to my partner about this, navigate it or whatever else I should do to ensure conflicts like this don't happen again because I really like this man and I would be so mad at myself for ruining it like this. I want to stop the obsessive thoughts before they get worse.

I hate that the news gets me like this. I’m one to be open but I’m in bed and I can’t stop ruminating about news about Iran and all the fear mongering