Welcome to
the NOCD Community

This is day 3of erp therapy. It’s hard. I feel uncomfortable a lot. I know everyone is different, but I’m curious how long it has taken others to see improvement?

So I've been through a great deal of anxiety the past six months and after working with a therapist and getting a neuropsychological report, I've been diagnosed with OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I finally got in with a psychiatrist a week ago and got some medication prescribed which Ive been really hoping for, because even with therapy I haven't been able to take the edge off of the anxiety I feel in my chest and gut. I was prescribed 50 mg of Luvox to take at night. Unfortunately since I've started taking it I've been waking up between 3:00 and 5:00 AM and not being able to go back to sleep. Has anyone else had this experience? My psychiatrist said it should go away as my body adjusts, and I also wonder if it's my anxiety keeping me awake too. I was also prescribed 50 mg of trazodone for sleep as needed but I'm afraid to take it because I have an addictive personality and if it helps me sleep I'm worried I'll think I need it every night. So I guess I'm just asking what some experiences people have had on Luvox and trazodone? Thank you!

I’ve noticed that when I don’t hold myself to my inner conscience or morals, when I stumble over a sin, when I choose to do something reactionary in the moment, when I choose to do the wrong thing, my OCD gets worse. I notice it also gets worse when there’s high stress. My family and I are moving hours away. Better paying jobs? Maybe. But with the loss of my job due to an acquisition, finding a new one led to a major move for us. And now I’ve led my family into moving from almost all of our friends and family. And it’s starting to surface, that inner turmoil I’m sometimes unaware of until the symptoms show up. Couple that with some moral stumbles, and you’ve got me and OCD boxing each other like it’s the heavyweight title match. Here’s my plan: I know I’m not a good man by any stretch. I know I’ve wronged against my Lord many times, probably many times everyday. But, somehow, He still loves me. So I’m going to run back toward Him. I’m also going to fight OCD by thinking about what I know to be true, not what I guess or can come up with in my brain, not some disaster that I’ve previously consumed myself with thinking about as if it’s destined to happen. Then when the compulsions come calling, I know sometimes I’ll answer. I’ll pick up the phone so to speak and have a chat with them, play their little game. And then I’ll snap out of it and say, “Bruh, you might be lying; you are fear; you are not based on truth or righteousness; you are an enemy; I do not want your fear-mongering and incessant games and worry; you are not being helpful at this time; accordingly, you can take a hike and come back when I want to use your services for something beneficial. For now, I’m going to resist your worries and your temptations and your doom-and-gloom effect on my life.” I know we’ll do some more battles. I know we’ll meet again. I see my OCD everyday; sometimes it seems like the first thing that wakes up with me and the last thing that goes to sleep with me. But I’m not done; and I’m not OCD. It’s there. But it is not all of me. It is not what I am here to serve. I’m having a tough time lately. Lots of stress that I don’t realize is there is perhaps beginning to surface. Combining that with some bad decisions is a recipe for a battle. But I have been here before. I have battled before. I must trust that God, that my Savior still loves me, and that in Him there is victory. White-knuckling this won’t do. I’m taking this to the Lord, and I’m going to punch back by honing in on good choices, resisting compulsions by resting in the unknown that OCD preys on. I don’t know what’s ahead. Maybe it’s wonderful. Maybe it’s worse than OCD says. But in the end, I am hoping that faith in Jesus, that redemption in Him will grant me what I do not deserve: eternity with the Lord. I also know that OCD’s vision of the future is never a good one. And I don’t think it has 20/20 sight. So I’m going to let those thoughts roll on and keep going out the door. And I’m going to usher in new, better thoughts to fill the room with. Stay in there, guys. The battle rages, but in Him, it’s already won.

So I have a desire to marry in my culture, which is Italian American and I desire to marry my culture so much. I even got confirmation one time that God said it was OK for me to go to achieve this. However, I keep getting feelings that he said no to the desire and it’s breaking my heart and I have no peace. After I spoke to a priest on Friday, I’ve had no peace at all about dropping this desire. At first anxiety, and then depression. The priest doesn’t understand about OCD and he said I’m rejecting Gods will and that scared me. I feel happy when I think about achieving this desire and feel like I’m so blessed to be this way. I had feelings on Saturday that God did say no and it killed me with mostly depression. Another time another catholic told me that the reason why I’m feeling this way is because I’m rejecting that God said no, and it made me feel even more worse. In my heart, I feel that God did not say no to this desire at all, and he said yes, technically he did from the confirmation that he had given me. Has OCD ever made it seem like that God said no to your dream or desire?

Been spiraling cuz my screen time has been SO bad. And I was doing so good for a while and during lent and now I’m embarrassed it’s so bad and that’s literally awful. Such high anxiety and our phones are literally the down fall and they scare me so much. Like it’s such an addiction like I feel like I have to respond immediately you know and just always want to pick it up like that’s literally not normal and should never use it for comfort. And spiraling of what’s to come technically wise and the anti Christ and all the scary things. Then choose my phone over spending time with God and then feel awful. Or when I do spend time with good it feels like it doesn’t matter anymore. Have such high anxiety and it’s such a big distraction. And I get nervous when people say are you ready in regards to Jesus return cuz it’s soon and then makes me spiral that I’m not. And scared if I go to hell cuz I’m on my phone too much and don’t want to be deceived and scripture isn’t as close to my heart and I’m just ignoring all the signs that are coming. Deeply afraid im focusing on things that don’t matter. Everything with the government and leaders are all set up for what’s going to happen biblically. I feel like I can’t ever feel peace or I can’t do deep dives biblically and accept real truths. Like how am I supposed to be prepared if I just spiral every second. And it scares me cuz like we bring them everywhere like I just can’t even focus cuz I’m spiraling. And just like scroll scroll scroll. I’m scared

Hello, i dont want to share my name so i will use Sparkle as my nickname. I was diagnosed 7-8 years ago. My first therapist for 2 years just chatted with me during sessions. First she did ask about OCD and my rituals and she just sent me breathing exercises to try. She did not help me with my OCD. (I am very mad at her for not being able to tell me that she doesnt specialise in OCD and suggest me a specialist who could actually help me. No. She just took my money) My second therapist for half year got into deeper into getting knowing me and my fears and so on but when the therapist saw how bad it got for me they offered me another specialist to help me. (I respect her for telling me that my case is too difficult for her and she cant help me so she offered someone else) My third therapist did EMDR therapy with me for a year and more. Never felt anything getting better. I didnt know what exact therapy i needed. Just a week ago i joined a facebook group and saw that a lot of people are talking about exposure prevention therapy and then i talked to chatgpt and googled stuff and it said that EMDR isnt the main therapy that can help me with my ocd.. i got really mad at my therapist but also at myself. I should have googled what exact therapy i need. I guess i just trusted my third therapist to know whats right for me. I havent been to therapist for two months now and to be honest im not doing too bad. But a lot of stuff has changed in my life so maybe that has affected my ocd appearing less for me. But when it does appear i tend to freak out more. As far as i can remember my ocd appeared in school. I remember i used to zip back and forth my pencil case or my backpack. I never actually knew at the time that that is OCD. (I used to zip till it felt “right”). I actually for 2-3 years just thought i was insane or mentally crazy because i never saw or noticed anyone doing the things that i did. So i thought i was crazy. I remember that i used to plug in my phone charger into the wall plug and i would repeat it. I started worrying that i would break the plug so instead of repeating to put it in i started to scratch my fingers/hand/palm with the plug tip till it felt “right”. It did lead to me getting hurt. I remember i used to cry every single day. So yeah i thought i was going insane because i never saw anyone do this as well. I used to brush my fingers on the door or a wall. Sometimes i would smash my hand or fingers on wall or door till it felt right. When i say smash or hit i never did it hard. I just did it not hard but i did it so much that it just started hurting after a while. Then i remember Before laying down on my bed i would ALWAYS swipe with my hands the covers to remove and crumbs or anything that i could feel when i lay down. Because if i would lay down and feel idk a crumb i would get up again and swipe the bed sheets till its soft/clean. Then i started clicking random stuff like pens, light switches, anything that is clickable. My parents noticed all of the things i did and would tell me “stop/what are you doing?/what is happening?” they didnt understand and neither did i. My parents dont understand english so they couldnt find any information online on what was up with me. My mom told me (when i finally asked for help) she said “i did notice that something was not right and i tried to google stuff like “repeating actions” but she would google in our native language and there was no information online that. THERE IS BARELY INFORMATION NOW AFTER SO MUCH TIME HAS PASSED. In english yeah there is tons of info on ocd but in my native NOPE. Anyways. HOW I FOUND OUT WHAT OCD IS. One day i was scrolling on tiktok because i didnt really do anything else. And i came up to a video that said “a day in my life with ocd” I continued watching because i like the “a day in my life” videos but i didnt understand what ocd meant so i watched to find out. And as i was watching that girl.. i FINALLY saw someone who does something like i do. I remember i started crying. I started googling and looking for information on OCD and i read so much stuff on that day. I was relieved that i finally knew that i wasnt alone. THAT I WASNT CRAZY. And that i can finally get help??!! I was really scared to go to my mom to ask for help though.. Because i didnt know how to say all of this information to her. But that day late at night i woke her up while i was crying. She got so scared from my crying and well i woke her up and i said “there is something wrong with me. i need help” and she instantly said “shh dont cry, we will get you help tomorrow morning” She held me while i was explaining about what OCD is and she told me that she did notice me being not okay and she tried to google. She said she felt so bad that she never helped me sooner because she didnt know how. She tried googling but as i said before there was no info. I didnt blame her and i never will that she didnt help me sooner becase i myself didnt even know what was happening to me. Anyways my life was very stuck since covid and ocd hit the most then. Since then this christmas i moved out with my boyfriend to live together! and we were dating for 2 months when we moved out to live together. Yes for most people its insane but for both of us it felt right and it is going well. Anyways so it was a huge change for me to move out of my parents and i did notice that my ocd has been like 50%+ better when i moved out. I do experience less rituals daily but when i do experience them i freak out and panic more than before. Maybe because my brain thinks “oh im getting better” but when ocd hits im like “NOOO ITS BACK”. Also its been 5 months with my boyfriend and we got a chance to get a house outside the city to renovate and live together. AND I AM SO EXCITED but.. the one thing that worries me. Is ocd. The ocd with bugs. I hate bugs. I am scared of them and grossed out on such level that i will start spitting when i see one bug and the spitting as i said can lead to me gagging oh forgot to say i force myself to gag and then from gagging i do throw up sometimes. I hate it. Its a new ritual the gagging and throwing up. I HATE IT. Anyway. Im scared of moving out the city because my boyfriend said that if we do live in that house he will want to have plants outside and inside and plant vegetables and so on and that i would have to help him because he cant do it alone but he loves the idea of growing our own veggies and fruits. I dont mind working. I hate what comes with it = BUGS. Bugs like fly and mosquitoes dont trigger me. They are annoying but they dont trigger my spitting. What triggers it (even hearing or reading or writing the names of the bugs) are worms and similar things to worms (i forgot how they called in english) then, spiders. These trigger me the most. Even now im writting it my body is shivering i feel grossed out. But i want to overcome this because i want to move out and live in a house close to nature even though i am scared of nature (nature=bugs). Nature is so beautiful and i wish i could just sit outside on grass or have a picnic but the thought of bugs getting on me or touching my food?? or getting in my mouth??? I cant stand the thought. I was always scared of bugs. My brother did scare me a LOT once when i was 5 years old i think. He loves photography and he loves taking good quality photos of small things so.. bugs mainly. So he asked me to come to his room to check out his photography and he traumatised me xdd I ran into his room seeing a HUGE zoomed in picture of a big fat hairy spider that probably was pregnant i dont know anyways. I started screaming and ran out. After that i remember one more incident. When i was 13 years old idk somewhere around there. My mom or dad boiled me pasta. And i LOVE pasta. They put the pasta in my bowl and i grabbed cheese from the fridge to pour it on pasta when i saw a larva or idk its like a small worm idk if im saying it right. Im scared to google it because it disgusts me a lot. These are the worst ones of the bugs. And when i saw it in my pasta i felt so grossed out i told my parent to throw it out flush it down the toilet whatever and i stopped eating pasta for a year. Since then i ALWAYS check every pasta or anything to be honest for bugs in food packaging before making food. Since then my spitting started. Anyways i am gonna start ERP therapy with my boyfriend today. He will help me. I wont do it alone. I cant find a specialist in my country so im gonna start slow at home with my boyfriends help. This is very long i dont know if anyone will read to this far but i hope we all get better and live our lives to the fullest 💗

I've had Racial OCD for a few months now. Part of it was realizing just how prevalent microaggressions and just plain aggressions are in society without even being talked about. Every day I'll experience about 10 of these instances, often without knowing if there's actually an issue or if I'm just overreacting. Either I'll say something or I won't, and I'll ruminate about not saying anything. I'll go home and get no work done because I sit and worry about something someone I don't know said or something that a friend said without knowing it was insensitive. I sit and I try to figure out a solution. My grades and overall life have been pushed to the side. But I feel so trapped and so hopeless. This happens non-stop, day after day, but every time I begin to think that maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself, I begin to think about how my pain is nothing compared to those who are marginalized, and that I should stop complaining and keep trying to find a solution. I genuinely believe that I have a moral responsibility to use my privilege to help those that society puts down, which makes it so hard to take care of myself at all. I feel so selfish when I try. Deep down I know that the responsibility doesn't all fall on a high school senior with severe OCD and GAD and a terrible track record of assessing risk, but every time I try to tell my mind that I'm in pain too, it gets warped into "I get to rest because my pain is greater than that of the marginalized" which is both untrue and horrible. This is how my mind worked until last night, when I realized that I haven't felt true, sustainable happiness in a very, very long time. I broke down crying and now I feel like I'm at a crossroads. What do I do? Surely there's a way to acknowledge and care for my own suffering without putting down or comparing with the suffering of others. I know if I keep going with this I'll break down, but how can I possibly say "I can't figure out a solution to that racist comment right now, I have to do my math homework?" How can I engage in an activity just for me, like reading or walking, when there's so much pain to solve? Isn't that selfish? How do I just take a moment to breath without worry when I could be using that time to challenge my own biases and prejudices, or figuring out how to make right a time when I myself played into stereotypes? I still don't know whether it's selfish to give myself space. But I feel like I have to. Does anyone know how in a situation like this?

my brain is trying to convince me i’ve always been in trans denial and it was a matter of time before i found out because i used to hang out with boys and i have boyish humour and i used to pretend to be a boy with my sister as a joke when we were like 6 and 8 what if all of that means something I just saw this video of a little boy playing Fortnite and i don’t know why but i got a little jealous of boyhood for a moment like if i, a girl play fortnite (which i do) most of the time we’re seen as pick mes or just less than boys. plus the female fortnite circles online get a lot of hate and in my opinion i don’t like it very much either and i’m worried that makes me trans. It’s weird because i’ve never felt any discomfort with my gender until october last year. pfft not even discomfort. the thing is last year i had this fixation in squid game and the biggest character ship was In-ho and Gi-hun. i shipped them too. they got the most attention so my mind went boy x boy = funny and trendy. girl x girl = boring. so i started picturing myself (as a woman) being the dominant one in a relationship so i could be cool like a boy. and one day i saw this video in october 2025 saying “i’m a girl but i wanna be in a mlm relationship.” i resonated with that. i checked the comments and the top one was “this is how i found out i was trans”. i got scared so i went onto chatgpt and it gave me all these labels like demigirl although i didn’t feel like a boy i was also quite alternative so everyone in that community was sort of apart of the lgbtqia community too so i just thought ok that’s me. i didn’t feel masculine. i felt alt. fast forward to november i had a dream i was wearing a suit and tie and that was because i was stressed about the trans thing. that’s what really set it off. now it’s march and it’s worse than ever. today i tested if i liked having a deep voice and i felt dizzy, wanted to cry and anxious. and now i just feel like i am one and it makes me so sad. i was diagnosed recently and i can’t stop questioning the diagnosis. i’m not asking for any reassurance i just need to vent. and hear opinions. i’m struggling with tocd and up until recently the thoughts have started to come with false emotions. i get butterflies a lot when i’m anxious and sometimes i get scared that the butterflies are actually me being drawn to the thought. so i just want to summaries my whole experience with this disorder. so, when i was only 4 years old i had a very strong urge to touch all of the corners in the room. nothing would feel right if i didn’t. when i was 10 i had to do everything 6 times, had to say “night, night” as my last words, and had to get to the door before the garage closed or i thought i’d die. when i was 11, i started experiencing what i think was existential ocd. nothing felt real. i constantly asked my mum for reassurance that i’m real. i remember avoiding going out because i felt so dissociated. i was so scared of developing derealisation and depersonalisation and frequently checked in mirrors to see if i recognised myself, and i would also type out the word ‘derealisation’ on a keyboard on my ipad to see if the word came up. if it didn’t come up, i felt okay. but i literally couldn’t watch movies like the matrix because i was terrified. now fast forward to when i was 12, i feared i was becoming a psychopath. i genuinely worried that i would grow up to be a murderer. i would have frequent intrusive images that would cause distress. i also had pocd around this age. for pocd in particular, i saved many tiktok videos to reassure myself that i wasnt becoming a pedofile. omg i also always thought i had posted something onto social media and always had to check that i did. now i’m almost 14. yeah, i’m young. but my current theme tocd is really not questioning. i’m going to summarise my experience with it a little bit here. i use envy men a lot. like i always thought they got more attention, more power and people swooned over them more than women. i was introduced to a popular fandom at the start of 2025 which i literally loved. the main ship were two straight men. i shipped them. i admired the dynamic. their ship got the most attention in the show. i of course blamed that on gender. i got very jealous of the attention and wanted to be in a relationship like that. like i would try and act like one of the characters (i didn’t try to look like him i just wanted to be like him because he seemed cool) and imagined myself being with a boy (me as a girl though) and basically ‘wearing the pants’ in the relationship because the more dominant man in a mlm or even the most dominant person in a straight ship always seem like the coolest. i still imagined myself as a woman like i didn’t want to be in a gay relationship, i wanted to be in a straight relationship. but in October last year i saw a video that resonated with me. it said “i want to be in a mlm relationship as a woman” and the top comment was “this is how i found out i was trans btw” and that dont scare me. but then i got curious. i didn’t feel like a boy and i still don’t now. so i went onto chat gpt… yeah i know. not the best. but i told it about what i was going through and it said all these different labels which i didnt understand. demigirl however, resonated with me. at least i thought it did. i few weeks later it kinda just wore off. but i started to get involved with political matters and yada yada i was an alt girl. i was very accepting of the lgbtqia community. i wanted a future in human rights or politics. i think i kind of tried to push labels onto myself as the alt community is very diverse. so i just left that aesthetic because again, it wore off. but in november i had a dream of me wearing a suit and tie. it freaked me tf out. like i was asking chatgpt why i had that dream. this is where my tocd started. (i have a history with ocd). i basically got really scared and started compulsively checking my memories, my feelings and i had so many uncomfortable intrusive thoughts of me as a boy. god it’s scary. this ocd subtype ruined my holiday, my christmas and more. all of the things i wrote here are extremely hazy as ocd kind of gives me false memories. so, yeah. i don’t feel like a guy. never have. i literally had pinterest boards of feminine clothing i wanted to wear when i was a mum/older. all i ever wanted was to be a beautiful, feminine woman. i forgot to mention that the other night i did my makeup and felt so happy. i was happy with what i looked like and for a moment, i felt absolute certainty in my gender. but then the doubt came back in. i’m so worried because it feels like i like the thoughts sometimes, especially when the anxiety fades for a second, an intrusive thought comes up like “but it would be cool and unique to be a boy” and then i panic because why did i have a split second of false desire? I’ve noticed that my brain often gets intensely interested in new ideas, objects, or changes, even if they don’t match what I’ve always wanted. For example, when I loved Barbies, I wanted more and more of them, and that intense interest eventually faded. The same pattern has been showing up with pronouns — when I was reading someone’s pronoun list, my brain latched onto “he/him” because of the way it sounds. I really like the soft “i” in “him” and “his,” and I even thought “she/him” sounded cool because of how it flows. This reaction seems similar to how I enjoy lists, collecting things, and exploring possibilities — my mind gets excited by novelty and options, but the excitement doesn’t necessarily reflect a desire to change my identity. At the same time, I recognize that “he/him” is masculine, and imagining myself being referred to that way feels forced and uncomfortable. My real-life instinct is clear: being called “he/him” is not me, and I don’t want to present masculine. I realized that liking the sound of something doesn’t mean I want it to apply to me. I’ve also noticed some anxiety when wearing feminine clothing that I previously enjoyed, which seems connected to my brain’s hyper-awareness and over-analysis around gender-related things. This doesn’t mean my preferences have changed — it’s just that anxiety and overthinking are blocking the natural comfort and enjoyment I used to feel. Overall, my experiences fit the pattern of TOCD: my brain gets caught up in analyzing and questioning identity-related ideas, often creating temporary spikes of interest or concern, even though my core feelings about myself remain consistent. and when My bully joined my class at school and it got horrible. I have now started online school and since I’m at home all day I have nothing to do apart from work and worry. I also had my period the other day and that made the anxiety so much worse. And I’ve had physical symptoms. It feels like I’m developing gender dysphoria. Like I’m uncomfortable with my breasts and I fixate on whether I like having a curvy body. I’m so exhausted. Do you still think this is OCD? i remember looking at old pictures of myself and i felt so happy. like, yes, this is me and i don’t want to change her. i could nevr forgive myself for it. but i just cannot stop crying. i’ve started emdr therapy and it made me feel like i want the thoughts even more. i’m super affected by misogyny and everything. and why am i bringing up past memories that meant nothing at the time like when i dressed up as mr wolf with a suit and tie and everyone liked my outfit and when i played with boy barbies and when i played with boys as a kid and i have boy humour. but when i pictured myself as a boy (compulsively) i almost felt a spark of desire or excitement that i have NEVER WANTED. i think it’s because of the way i’ve always admired popular boys at school despite them bullying me so badly. i just wonder how it would feel to be one for a day. but if i was asked to press a button to change my gender since birth like be a cis boy i’d say no! i like my life as a girl and i always have. i don’t want my relationship dynamics to change, i like having girl best friends as a girl because i think girlhood is so valuable.

I recently realized that my favorite band, and one I've been a fan of for a while, has a lyric in an older song that can be insensitive to a marginalized community. The band is incredibly committed to making their work as inclusive as possible and the slight isn't very well known so I'm almost sure they were unaware, but still I was caught off guard. I researched in some online spaces and found some people in the community arguing for reaching out to a creator in a situation like this and some people against it, saying they don't mind. I've tried asking directly but haven't been able to post because these spaces don't want to be about having to explain what to do to those not affected, which I totally understand. However this has left me kind of stuck, and I concluded I should stop listening to the band. This has left me pretty sad to just give away something that has meant so much to me. I have no idea what I can do and it's left me feeling frustrated. At the same time I feel so selfish because I know I don't go through a fraction of what this community goes through, and I just want to listen to my little songs. I feel even worse knowing that while some of this comes from a genuine desire to make the world more inclusive, a part of it also has to come from a selfish desire to listen to the band. I try to make up for this by fighting for this community whenever I can, even when I have no stake, but I don't know if this justifies it. Sometimes I have the urge to listen to the band but just not that specific song. Every time I do I start to think in "What Ifs" like "What if interacting with them pushes them further into popularity and someone from this community finds them and is hurt by this lyric?" or "What if someone's harmful biases are reinforced by this lyric?" Which definitely seems like OCD thoughts. At the same time, they're very possible situations, and knowing what this community goes through, it doesn't seem like a risk worth taking. I've spoken with my therapist about it and she isn't sure either, calling it a very complicated situation. What sucks is that this band almost certainly wasn't being malicious, only ignorant. Still, this can cause harm, and I don't know what to do. Also, I don't want to place any blame whatsoever on the affected community. It's natural that there's not consensus, and society is often so ignorant that different people will have different ways of solving it. I am not even close to being the true victim in this situation nor do I have the credentials to say "Ah! This is what a person should do in this situation!" But I've been feeling really anxious and depressed and I don't know what to do. I'm more than willing to give up this band if it helps fight oppression, but at the same time it's so hard to do away with something that's meant a lot to me. Sorry for the lengthy post. Any advice?

Rantingggg… dealing with hard things that happen in life is hard but it's 10x harder when you have ocd bc you "what if" every possible scenario that can happen and believe that it will happen.. when actually you just don't know if that will happen & you just have to learn to sit w the uncertainty. Currently going through the breakup with with the man who I thought would be the man I married. I can’t begin to explain how meaningful & deep the relationship was. It wasn’t a bad breakup at all, he in fact was with me during my worst ocd moments when I didn’t know how to handle it really & he always was there to help me in anyway he thought was right. Anyway this breakup wasn’t because lack of feelings but more so overwhelm/ life stress/ capacity. I have a million what if thoughts like, it’s been 4 months & he’s told me he doesn’t want a relationship right now, nor does he know if he will want to be with me or someone else (basically saying idk for the future) but to me that sounds like he’s basically saying he’s moving on or he’s thinking abt being with someone else when in reality he’s just saying he doesn’t know what the future holds. Of course I say “what if” he’s over me already, will never come back and try again, what if I was wrong and we aren’t going to get back together ever again, what if he’s already with someone else, WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF. Honestly frustrating and exhausting & I’m so scared all those negative terrifying will come true bc they’re all possibilities. It’s also possible we do get back together and live happily ever after & all good things, but the scary thoughts are easier to believe because my worst fear happened (us breaking up), so why wouldn’t the bad things in thinking happen if this happened and I was scared of it happening while we were together. Having ocd is like dr strange in avengers end game when he's levitating seeing 1 billion scenarios where the avengers lose & only ONE where they win. Spoiler alert: all reality's were a possible but only one will actually happen.Except I have one billion thoughts about what can happen in the future with about him or anything my ocd fixates on &l decide to believe one of the one billion thoughts of possibilities that can happen. & I'm doing that in search for the ONE reality that is true & will happen.. spoiler alert: their is literally no way I can tell the future. This rant was ALOT but I hope it makes sense 😂

I am a true Christian and I am having blasphemous intrusive thoughts that keep popping into my head,now I think I am going to hell because I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit of out fear because I thought these thoughts 😭

I have a problem with counting everything. This has been going on for years. But it’s gotten worse. I especially have trouble when I am praying and reading. I have to count how many times I’m reading a sentence and when I’m praying, I will say the same thing over and over and it’s hard for me to end my prayer because I say in Jesus name I pray Amen I don’t know how many times! It’s like I think I’ll have to say it four times and I do and then I’ll do another four times and then another four times. It used to be three but now it’s four. It makes you not even want to pray sometimes. How do you stop this insanity? Because when you say stop in your mind it doesn’t stop, that doesn’t work. I’m sure if I went to a therapist they would do the ERP therapy on me. How does it work in these situations that I have problems with? Any tips or suggestions that may have helped you all out there that would help me? And do not even get me started on showering! It’s ridiculous! I know it’s all rooted in fear and doubt, but it sure is hard to get rid of that.

it’s like i’ve completely changed genders and minds and it’s so sad.

TL;DR I (early 20s F) have been in a 2-year relationship with a woman (mid-30s) who is still legally married, lives with her ex, and has a highly complicated shared life structure with them. The relationship has been emotionally intense, largely hidden, and unstable, and has significantly affected my mental health, contributing to OCD and severe depression. I also have OCD that worsens relationship uncertainty, and we’ve had repeated breakups and reconciliations. I’m now trying to figure out if this relationship is realistically sustainable or if I’m stuck in something that can’t work. Long version Throwaway account for privacy reasons. I’m looking for outside perspective on a complicated relationship situation. I (early 20s, female) have been in a relationship for about two years with my partner (mid-30s, female). We met online and became close quickly, and started dating shortly after. At the time I met her, my mental health was relatively stable. After entering this relationship, my mental health changed significantly. I developed severe anxiety patterns and was later diagnosed with OCD. My symptoms are strongly centered around relationship uncertainty, trust, and fear of abandonment. I also feel the emotional instability in this situation contributed to one of the most difficult periods of my life, including episodes of severe depression. From early on, the situation around her living and relationship status was complex and not fully clear to me. I was told she still lives with her ex due to ongoing commitments. Over time, I discovered additional details gradually, including that they are still legally married. Their situation is complicated: they still live together, remain legally married, and have ongoing shared responsibilities and family ties. While they are no longer romantically or sexually involved (as I understand it), their lives are still deeply interconnected for financial, legal, and personal reasons. There is a significant age gap between us, which I feel has also contributed to differences in expectations and understanding of relationship structures. I have never met her ex or her family due to the complexity of the situation and emotional boundaries. People around her are not directly told about our relationship, but most likely infer it. It is generally not openly discussed, mainly because she is afraid of how it could affect her marriage and existing commitments. Her ex, as far as I know, has been generally supportive of our situation. Because of this, our relationship has mostly existed in a private and somewhat hidden form. I do not visit her home and have avoided situations where my role would be unclear. Over time, this situation has created significant emotional strain for me. My OCD and anxiety are strongly tied to relationship uncertainty, leading to intrusive thoughts, doubt, and reassurance-seeking cycles. I am currently receiving help for my mental health and actively trying to manage this. At the same time, my partner has had her own mental health struggles, especially early in the relationship, including trust and control-related issues that affected communication. Combined with my own worsening anxiety, this has created a cycle where both of us have been impacted by each other’s mental health. There has also been a repeated cycle of breakups and reconciliations, often triggered by my anxiety spirals and inability to cope, followed by reconnection. This pattern has become emotionally exhausting for both of us. We are currently not in contact after a recent breakup, as she has said the cycle is no longer sustainable. At this point, I’m trying to understand the situation from an outside perspective and separate anxiety-driven thoughts from realistic concerns about the relationship structure itself. Does this kind of relationship structure realistically work in a healthy long-term way, or is the ongoing instability and breakup cycle itself a sign that it isn’t sustainable regardless of feelings? And how do I distinguish OCD-driven anxiety from valid concerns about the situation?

Hi guys, Second post here… even writing this feels unreal. Everything I do or see and the whole reality I live in always brings me back to the same questions and intrusive thoughts regarding whether this is all made up, if reality is a dream and how we are all here. The idea of solipsism terrifies me and makes me panic because if it were true, I wouldn’t want to live as all my loved ones are fake. I will never get answers for these thoughts and theories, which finishes the loop and makes me just as scared. A constant derealised state of mind has come to me as a product of this and itself triggers more of the same thought spirals , leaving me constantly in panic, stress, survival mode searching and searching….a genuinely consuming torturous loop. I feel like I’ve unlocked a state of mind I can’t come back from and the idea that I’m alone in reality scares me, triggering OCD in the psychosis theme. To those recovered , or suffering… I need help, hope, support .

I saw online that children who committed deviant behavior can’t be rehabilitated. When I was younger, probably up until age 14 to 15, I did some things. I’m not proud of due to trauma, my environment, and people and other kids doing the same behavior to me. I repeated a lot of things I wouldn’t do now and I’m worried that I’m someone who can’t be rehabilitated. I don’t do anything wrong , like those things I did back then, but I worry with the TikTok said. I worry that my past defines who I’m supposed to be as an adult. The TikTok meant children who were actual predators, but some of the things I did as a kid could be seen as that or just very, very weird and gross :( i can’t stop thinking about this

I am at a really stressful period in my life right now, and usually that tends to bring some pretty nasty OCD stuff to the forefront. When I was around 12 or so (also a really intense and stressful period for me) I had this thing where I was super afraid that I had gotten splinters from this little cactus I had in my room and would tear my fingers up with nail clippers and needles looking for them because I was afraid of getting an infection that would lead to getting my hand amputated. I was able to get a hold on it back then and haven’t dealt with that in a while (probably because I don’t keep house plants anymore, I tend to avoid things that might trigger me which is probably a bad thing but that can be analyzed another day). It’s been ten years since then and that obsession came back the other day. I went morel mushroom hunting with my brother and actually had a lot of fun, but I stuck myself on a thorn and started obsessing about splinters again. I was able to keep it at bay for a whole day but the next day I ended up taking tweezers, clippers, and needles to my finger on and off. My external stressors got worse and I had a huge breakdown in the evening where I was digging and digging and digging with the needles. I kept thinking about infection and how I would have to get my hand amputated. It was on my right hand, which is my dominant one, so I kept thinking about how hard life would be without it. I really like writing and I was spiraling about how I’d never be able to do it again. I couldn’t stop digging until I had cried myself into exhaustion. I actually do think I might’ve had a splinter but I don’t think that really matters because I realized there will always be a splinter and I will never dig deep enough to find it. I went back at it the next morning but finally stopped myself when I felt like I got the splinter. But then I started worrying I had another one on my other finger. That was yesterday. I’ve been wearing band aids on my fingers so that I don’t have to look at them because if I look I’m going to start digging again. And I’m afraid if I spiral worse, I am going to cut my finger open fully. I almost did the other night but stopped myself thinking of infection and nerve damage (so I guess the OCD was helpful? lol). I know the bandaids are a crutch but I’m afraid I’m going to hurt myself (not with the intention to hurt myself, just with the intention of getting the splinters out). My brother asked me to go mushroom hunting with him again this morning and I had to say no even though I wanted to. I was too afraid I would get stuck again and the whole cycle would repeat. I’m just really, really frustrated with myself. I haven’t had an issue this bad in almost two years and I feel like I’ve regressed. I feel like I’m 12 again. I’m so mad at myself for digging and I’m so mad at myself for refusing to do something I liked just because I’m scared. I guess I don’t really know where I am going with this post, maybe just venting. If you’ve dealt with this or something similar, let me know how you have been able to get over that fear or to stop yourself from acting on the compulsion to dig. Thanks everyone

Maybe OCD related, maybe not. Recently I’ve been feeling very out of control of my emotions. Specifically I’ve been experiencing intense anger and rage over the smallest things and it’s been very overwhelming. I had the same experience start at about 4-5 month postpartum after my son was born and now I’m 5 months postpartum with my daughter and it’s happening again. That was a very dark time for me and I’m scared to go there again. I don’t know if it’s my ocd flaring up or if it’s hormonal shifts or something else. Has anyone else experienced this? What helped you? I feel guilty that I’m not parenting from my values, but from a place of emotional dysregulation. Thanks in advance 🙏🩷

I'm a Christian and I have OCD. Scrupulosity developed when I was not healed from OCD. OCD has caused my to doubt if I really have faith and also fear of dying. Can anyone else relate? What exposures have you done to deal with this and what success have you had. Thanks.

For context I’m a 19 year old bisexual and have been with my girlfriend since January and absolutely adore her. I struggle a lot with my mental health (OCD) and anxiety (as well as suspected autism) which my girlfriend is fully aware of but wanted to come on here as not to burden her if I’m just over thinking- which I suspect I am. A few days ago I messaged someone I had previously been talking to romantically before meeting my girlfriend but had since blocked on Insta in order to get some drugs (bad idea Ik and I didn’t end up getting any). He expressed that he still found me attractive but I made it explicitly clear that I wasn’t interested in him and would only see him to pick them up. I didn’t end up seeing him in the end but even if I did I wouldn’t have done anything. I told my girlfriend about how I was stressed and that’s why I wanted to pick up the drugs but she doesn’t know that I was supposed to be picking them up from a guy I had previously been talking to. I think I have such a fear of losing her and being a good girlfriend that I want to be perfect for her so now I feel like I’ve done something wrong even tho I haven’t said anything to him that I wouldn’t say in front of her- it was strictly “can you hook me up with this substance and I’m still with my girlfriend and completely uninterested in you” to which he understood. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve done something wrong in me and my girlfriend’s relationship even though I know logically I haven’t. I don’t want to tell her and cause any unnecessary worry but a part of me also wants to just to be transparent but I feel like that would be seeking validation which I know is wrong to do for OCD. My girlfriend also knows I’ve been feeling down for the last week so ordered a bouquet of flowers to my house (she’s so sweet)- which has for some reason made me feel worse and like I have definitely cheated and don’t deserve her. Any comments are welcome. Thank you if you made it to the end of my rant❤️