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Im still undignosed and im supposed to see a psychiatrist soon and Im to afraid to go i dont currently feel safe going

So me(20) and my boyfriend(18) had been together about 9 months. We both have OCD. I have been aware of mine for years, worked through the hardest and am now on medication, consistent therapy and in a better place. He only developed/realized his OCD when we started dating. Mine have a lot to do with things like sleep, vomiting, thinking others are mad at me, etc. his come a lot from trauma (father left at 5, abusive alcoholic bf after that) and come off as controlling, worried about how I dress want to know where I’m going needing reassurance about cheating, constantly questioning my texts reactions, words, etc. We come from very different lives (I have a huge family, upper middle class, lots of friends, always doing something, he has just his mom and sister, lower class, no real friend group, no real hobbies or things to keep busy) we met at college and went long distance for the summer in May. We have always had these long emotional conversations, many of which were rooted around OCD thoughts. Many of which were little things that would come from his overthinking, blow up, and we would talk for hours in circles, but get hurt and upset but usually reassure and come to good terms. However this happened, all the time. He also has incredible anxiety regarding alcohol, specifically me drinking. This has been an ongoing battle. Last week I almost ended things because I felt his OCD was making him too controlling, we had had conversation after conversation and if one specific thing was fixed, it then shifted into a new form of obsession. We ended up talking and he made compromises and said he would work through things. On July 4th we went to a party, he made a compromise saying he would be ok with me drinking if he was there. Once I did he realized he wasn’t ready, but didn’t communicate that, and made a somewhat public display of avoiding me. We ended up missing most of the party because he wanted to talk to me about everything, so we sat on the couch as everyone walked by and watched our now very public argument. We talked super late into the night. It’s started with him being very harsh and demanding saying I was choosing alchol over him (I also very rarely drink and have a fear of throwing up so I never go crazy), and saying how he has changed so much for me, even though I never asked him to and want him to be himself, and he then suddenly switched and started saying everything I wanted to hear, he was gonna work on things, make all these changes for me, but I have heard this tale before. And yes, he does work on things and make changes, but new things just keep coming up, it’s never ending and is suffocating. I don’t feel like myself, my ocd has gotten worse with constantly worrying about not setting him off with overthinking. On Sunday I finally ended things, I just couldn’t take the constant uphill battle anymore. He started therapy last week (was very against it but did it because I strongly suggested it, and is still not fully on board but trying). Now I feel just confused. We did have a good connection, even from the moment we met, but it doesn’t feel like a relationship should be this straining. I’m worried I didn’t give him enough time to make changes or work on things, but I mentally couldn’t do the long draining talks every few days and the daily worry of doing all the reassurance things he needs. I feel guilty because my mom says I was the same way when I was younger with my sleep anxiety and obviously my parents stuck through it, is that what I was suppose to do? I felt like I was shrinking myself to help him and worsening my OCD in the process but because we did have a strong connection and he was trying I was suppose to stay. Any thoughts? Advice?

I need help with Jealousy/uncertainty in Relationship. We had a Situation yesterday We were driving in the car when a woman was walking on the left side of the road. I had the impression that my partner looked at her, and I felt uncomfortable. Shortly after, I brought it up to him. I’m not completely sure anymore, but I think he asked which woman I was even referring to. but i’m really not sure anymore that he ask this.. it makes me upset Because if he actually asked that, then it doesn’t really add up that in the next moment he suddenly knew which woman I meant. But like I said, I don’t even remember clearly right now whether he said that at all. He said he did not look at her, only noticed her. He said he was looking forward, then at me, and only then became aware of her. However, I remember that he did not look at me at that moment because I was looking at him, and I am quite sure he looked at the woman for a few seconds while we were approaching her. When I told him that his explanation didn’t make sense to me because he had not looked at me at that moment, he became angry and said that we shouldn’t be arguing about this at all and that he was upset that I did not believe him. I don’t know how to deal with the fact that I never got a response when I pointed out that it actually wasn’t true that he was looking at me. How can I cope with that? This kind of situation has happened several times before. Either he is lying to me or he has a distorted perception that he interprets in a way that fits him I’m not sure. The fact is that we cannot come to an agreement in situations like this. He does not want to admit that he looked at other women, while I also feel uncomfortable with him doing so. Since we cannot find common ground, and he insists that he did not look, I feel quite desperate. My therapist said that there is nothing I can do except change how I handle the uncertainty. So I am currently trying to tolerate the fact that I may never know whether he is lying, misremembering, or interpreting the situation in a biased way. I cannot accuse him of lying, because that would only lead to conflict, and I do not want to accuse my partner even though I sometimes feel that he might not be telling the truth. I also struggle with similar situations, for example on social media. An influencer we had talked about before (her husband is a celebrity my partner is a fan of, and she is also known as an influencer) suddenly appeared as a suggestion on his account when I was on his phone. He generally becomes defensive and annoyed in these situations because he says he does not look at or search for other women. The same happened in the past when, before our relationship, he had followed and liked a specific influencer for years and had even added her on Snapchat. This influencer suddenly appeared on my TikTok “For You” page during our relationship, which felt very noticeable to me because I generally get many recommendations related to his interests. However, he reacts very sensitively to these topics, so it is difficult to talk about them. He feels hurt by my mistrust and becomes defensive. In conclusion, I struggle with how to deal with these noticeable coincidences and the uncertainty they create. I generally don’t see my partner as a liar, but I do have the suspicion that he might sometimes, possibly even unconsciously, interpret or frame certain things in a way that suits him better. However, this is only a feeling. And again I end up at the point where I cannot know this with 100% certainty. I have started ACT therapy, as my therapist suggested, and I began trying to tolerate uncertainty since yesterday. Since then, I feel completely emotionally empty and numb because I am no longer seeking reassurance. Is this normal? I feel really unwell.

I know that the whole point of treatmeant is to learn to tolerate uncertainty but it feels so heavy. I'm the kind of person who puts a lot of value on knowing myself deeply and I've always been very introspective and have had a very strong sense of self, I love getting to know myself and I get a lot of peace from knowing who I am and from being connected to myself. I've kind of figured out lately that my core fear is tied to the idea of living a meaningful authentic life so it makes sense why I put so much effort into knowing who I am. I have soocd and my symptoms are not as bad as they used to be but this feeling of not knowing for sure who I am in this area of my life feels so heavy to carry and is so persistent. Any other feeling may go away, the anxiety, the sadness, but this one never does. And I really don't wanna live my whole life like this, with this weight om my chest. I try to let it be and to tell myself it will sort itself out but it's so hard. I see other people who are very relaxed and carefree and happy with their lives and I think that its because they know themselves and that I would be happy too if I didn't have such big questions about who I am. I get so envious that others go through life knowing exactly who they are and what they want and that they can actually put their mental energy in day to day things instead of these big questions. I think that maybe this fear that I'll carry the heaviness of not knowing is another way ocd is trying to get me to review the thoughts so I try not to listen to it but I can't see how I'll ever feel ok without knowing every single thing about myself, especially such a big thing.

Its my birthday today... and I can't even celebrate it because I have a physics exam to study for, and I'm so depressed and stressed over everything going on in my life... my pocd especially is keeping me up at night... What if you did something so extremely monstrous. disgusting, awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were genuinely extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and vomit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 13 or 14... I cant remember... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was either 13 or 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 24... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was either 13 or 14 at the time… now I’m 24… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was either 13 or 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was either 13 or 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I cant remember if i was 13 or 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13-14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was also extremely horrible... an adult asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible... i've done too much... seen too much... and have lived too long... I'm sorry for everyone I've hurt... I'm so sorry for everything...

Basically, I was at the movies, and I decided to go to the restroom afterwards. At the movie theater, the men’s restroom and the women’s restroom are right next to each other and they have the signs for which bathroom is which obviously. The bathroom I walked in, I legitimately thought I was walking into the men’s restroom. I am a male. I was walking into the bathroom and obviously the first thing I was looking for was the urinals, I couldn’t find them anywhere and I just kept walking inside the bathroom to find them, but I never could. It was just straight toilets. And then I hear this woman walk in and and then I see them around the corner and she’s with her daughter. So out of the awkwardness because I was still kind of confused, I asked her something along the lines of which bathroom it was and she said “I think it’s the women’s” but then I apologize to her, and then it was another woman behind her that walked in and I apologize to her as well I think. And so then I went into the men’s bathroom which again was right across, saw the urinals in there but ironically, they weren’t even accessible because they had the yellow tape across so I use the stall. And then it was a guy in there as well that I just brought the whole situation up to him because I figured he was with one of the women that just walked into the bathroom and I apologize to him and just told him I legitimately thought the other bathroom was the men’s bathroom. And then I walked out, and they were behind me, and I held the door for them and I apologize to them one last time. I believe the woman just smiled and the guy just said “you’re all good man.” I feel like you can imagine anybody would feel embarrassed about that interaction, but then add that on top of being someone with OCD it just makes your mind spiral. Like I legitimately did not go in there with bad intentions I just had to use the bathroom and I’m just hoping none of them think I was being creepy. Any advice will be helpful.

Ive actually been surprisingly doing well the last couple of days ish, i haven’t been ruminating as much and i feel like Ive been able to focus on the real important things rather than whats going on in my head, but i have noticed a pattern where once i feel good i feel like i notice it more usually after a couple of days of feeling good. Then ill start to get worried or my brain will start jumping to conclusions like ‘you don’t actually like him’ or ‘you don’t want to be with him’ almost like when i feel normal i’ll have some sort of ‘realisation’ and truthfully i don’t like that. If what my head was telling me was true wouldn’t the most obvious time to be thinking or being aware of that would be the first few days i felt didnt have intrusive thoughts much? It could also be to do with the fact that after a couple of days of feeling good i stop feeling the effects of feeling good and things start to feel more normal or chill. Like the feelings aren’t heightened anymore for that time. Not good or bad just mediocre, maybe my brain uses that as fuel that like ‘this is when you realise you don’t like him’ sort of thing. It also almost makes me believe it?? I don’t like it but i have experienced this before and it caused me to go into an anxiety attack. What does this mean?? Does anyone else relate?? I hope im not alone on this and that it’s normal. It’s almost like if i never have intrusive thoughts again what if it’s not a good thing??

I am on vacation and someone spilled their drink all over my bag/clothes. I need to wash my clothes in a laundromat because there are no available ones in the hotel. I have ocd about STDS and I’m terrified thinking about washing my underwear and clothes in community laundry. I know realistically the heat kills bacteria but it doesn’t change the fact I still am terrified and wondering if I’ll even wear my clothes after I wash them. I need help I guess

My boyfriend and I told each other we love each other for the first time a couple days ago. It was such a happy night and I felt like I was on top of the world. I haven’t seen him since bc due to our schedules and distance we can only usually see each other roughly once a week but we usually text each other here and there throughout the days while we’re apart. I wish I could just be with him all the time because that’s the only time I feel reassured and comfortable. The more time we spend apart the less sure I get and the more I start to ruminate. Did he mean what he said? Did I mean it? I get scared that he’s just saying it because it feels like the next step in the relationship and not because he actually means it. Or that we only think we’re in love but this isn’t really what love is. I try to get in his head and see myself through his eyes to see if he actually loves me or not. If I come to the conclusion that he does then I can relax for a little bit but then eventually the fear will come back again soon. I’m also scared that he’s not the one, and that I’m falling for a guy that’s going to eventually break my heart. I get scared that he’ll cheat on me with his friend from his grad program who is always texting and calling him and is known to be kind of promiscuous. I trust he’s not interested in her but I feel like she might be interested in him but it’s hard to know for sure because I only briefly met her once. I feel such a high when I see that he’s texted me. It’s such a warm feeling and a reminder that he still likes me, but neither of us are very frequent texters bc we can both be busy so the longer I wait to hear from him the more convinced I get that he’s changed his mind about me. The fear does feel less intense these days compared to a few months ago when things were newer, I think I am slowly starting to trust him, but I do still ruminate all the time even if it doesn’t feel as urgent. My family has been asking me a lot about him and the nature of our relationship recently and that’s been triggering. I also get triggered when people say how good looking he is because it makes me scared of all the attention he’s going to get from other women. I’m not proud of these thoughts bc I know they read as jealous and insecure, and I try so hard to not let them show. I don’t even know if this is ocd or just regular anxiety, I haven’t gotten a diagnosis yet, but my brain keeps telling me I’m lying to myself whenever I feel convinced it’s ocd. Ugh, I’m just so tired of expending all my mental energy on this. I wish I could just live my life without constantly worrying if I’m living it the right way and making the right decisions.

Has anybody experienced social anxiety or currently experiencing? I am currently experiencing to the point where it is physically causing pain In my body where I am experiencing a pins and needles feeling throughout my body What is the best way to overcome i am trying to stop caring so much about what people think about me because I usually assume they are thinking something negative I am just struggling in this Area

I just realized something did that was really bad in my last relationship, I have ROCD but I don’t know if this is OCD or just a bad thing. After I got cheated on by a guy (Corey) I saw his friend (Gavin) at graduation and thought he was SO cute. I immediately added him on socials and he added me back, but after a few days the novelty ultimately faded away and I didn’t really care. A few months later I met who would be my boyfriend, (Liam), who also happened to know both of them. I had no romantic care for Gavin and loved Liam, but still had Gavin on snap and would snap him very rarely here and there (almost ALWAYS with Liam if not every time) and now looking back I have no idea why??? Like I wanted to stay in the loop with Gavin because I thought he was cool/his friends were cool but didn’t like him at all??? I also am questioning his connection to my ex Corey and if that was the loop I wanted to stay in? Which seems decently harmless when I think about it lightly enough but now that Liam and I are broken up I’m almost positive I have feelings for Gavin which I do NOT WANT AT ALL and am not acting on but I’m just thinking why did I do that???? And the truth is, I wish I only liked Liam and that things would work out but Gavin keeps playing in my head and guilt is everywhere. Where do I even begin to go about this??? I don’t want these feelings and they’re real, I don’t know why I snapped him trying to still seem cool, I don’t know anything. I miss my liam

Ok I (17M) have been in my room for days now like almost a week and this is because of my fear of bodily fluids and I had a private moment several times in my room while I was stuck here and now I want to leave I hate being in here I am thirsty and I just want to leave I have been holding off cause I usually wipes stuff down with wipes after I leave my room but I have none and I tried waiting till I was able to get some online but I can not do this anymore and the issue is. I only have dial up gold bar soap and I am scared I will not get clean and if I touch it then the bodily fluid on my body will not leave and I am scared of spreading bodily fluid and not being able to clean it because I only have rubbing alcohol and I am scared the outside or the lid is contaminated so I am scared if I use it to clean it will just make everything dirty and I have to brush my hair and I am scared and the worst part of this is I need to get a microfiber cloth from my garage to clean myself but I am worried about my clothes which have the bodily fluids are going to contaminate things they hit against especially my skin to since it is on that and the cloths are in a package which I touched before and now it is probably contaminated so if I use it to wash my body it will not do anything what do I do I am out of options here!

I’ve recently got a new job (took me 2 years to get here 😅) and while I was unemployed I would buy cheap things to keep me going and “happy” with the focus on I’ll pay it off with my new job. But now that I have the new job, I keep buying things to “fix” myself and my life. After talking to some of you here, I’m starting to realize that magical fix or solve of buying something to make myself feel better probs is OCD. Anyone else experiencing or dealt with this? Im going to talk to my therapist next week but shopping never even crossed my mind as a compulsion till today. :/

This is such a stupid question. I know. I know that. I’m just struggling today. My fiance and I are having a pretty complex issue, but we are going to therapy. In my heart, I believe I am making the right, true decision. I’ve prayed on it and when my OCD, anxiety, and fears are suppressed, I feel this truly is what I want to do and what I should do. However, my partner swore to me he’s telling the truth about something and I know I was upset, I believe I have heard you are not supposed to do this but I said do you swear on God? And he said he did. Now we are both devout Christian’s, so that’s very serious to us. But I’m some reason afraid well what if he did lie? Would I be punished for believing him? Even though, I’m trying to take a deep breath and say this is us moving forward after much pain. I love my life. I love my fiance so much. I prayed for my life with him, constantly and many friends told me they do believe it seems to be almost a test to make us stronger. I don’t usually believe that so I don’t have much to say. But I would like some comfort to breathe, that I wouldn’t be punished for believing and forgiving my fiance. Thank you all, and please be gentle with your words I’m pretty tired. The thing is I do believe him, I do, but my OCD is the doubting disease duh. So it’s always like “oh you can never be certain but you should be!” My partner did lie to me before, he never had but we have had a horrible rough patch. Miscarriage, arguing, no sleep, mental health collapsing. A lot going on. But he never said he swore. This time he has, and it does seem fully genuine. Idk. I’m tired.

There is this girl who I have strong feelings for and I believe that she has feelings for me based on a mountain of evidence, including people around me who were with us saying that she definitely has feelings for me. The thing is that she had a rough upbringing and definitely has some trauma from that. Some things that she has said even make me wonder if she has ocd herself. I found a poem that she wrote that sounded quite framiliar, saying that she goes through a cycle of fear and relief, that she loves love but fears it, and a really specific instance of what sounds like social OCD. Though the hints are not definitely ocd, they do raise questions. I noticed that sometimes she wanted to talk to me and sometimes she didnt--mostly when I would ask her a question over text that involved her opinion or how she was feeling (not about romantic feelings--just about her mood). I finally told her I had feelings for her months ago and she responded in about 14 hours basically saying that she wasn't okay and that she was sure that the right person for me will come. The thing is I act so put together around her. It is an instinct. I definately show my true personality, but I act as perfect as possible, and I am beginning to really dislike that about myself. I have ocd and I used to have severe OCD, to the point of consuming most of my life. I still have broken ocd reactions to things that really should not matter to me. I had a moderate OCD attack while I was with her last night (I didn't engage in intentional compulsions though). But yet I still hide it and try to act perfect. So I guess what I am saying is that if a relationship truely brings her distress and not being with me is better for her in the long term or she just doesn't want to be with me in general, I will accept that. I really do just want what is best for her. However if she is afraid that I won't understand her true self or she is afraid of bringing me down, I really wish I could let her know that I have had severe mental illness and even though I am fine now mostly, that was very much not the case even just 8 months ago and I would rather be with someone who understands significant mental problems (to be clear I absolutely hate the fact that she seems quite obviously to be struggling. It tears at me. I just mean that it is better for me to be with someone who also struggles as long as struggle exists in this world so I am with someone who I can relate to), because as I have been recognizing to myself just how severe my ocd was and removing the denial that I had (like I had OCD so bad that I should have at least looked into IOP or maybe even PHP), I am getting more and more tired of acting okay. I also just really just wish that I could help her, no matter how. I wish she would open up to me about her issues fully at least as friends. I only found that poem when I looked up her name during an OCD attack a year ago before I was recovered like I am now. I really just want to help her because as I have recovered from OCD, I have a lot of good advice and understanding that I give to other people often, and they tell me that it really helped them. I am sorry that I am rambling so much. I am partially just typing this in hopes that I can get this energy out of my system and maybe enjoy my day, but the core question of this post still stands; I cannot figure out how to not pretend to be perfect. I mean I can and I have been doing it around other people recently, but I also can't just say that I have ocd randomly because that would be weird. I just wish I could give her the knowledge that I am not the normal, perfectly happy and put together person that I appear to be, and I have not just had little normal rough patches--I live with a severe mental disorder that I have tamed. I think my ocd is still telling me that I will ruin this if I don't act perfect, and I cannot figure out any way to bring OCD up in conversation that doesn't sound weird. I wish I could let her know about my severe mental disorder somehow and let her do with that information what she wishes.

i had my first panic attack back in february of this year. a deep rooted fear of mine has always been “what if i end up like my mother”, who has all types of mental illnesses, the top two being psychosis & schizophrenia. when i experienced the panic attack it was the most frightening thing i’ve ever experienced. i immediately told my husband “this is it, i’m losing control” “i’m at the age now where the schizophrenia & psychosis are taking over”. even after the panic attack was over, i couldn’t calm myself down. grounding techniques just weren’t helping. if anything it made me feel worse & kickstarted my derealization. i started asking myself “why am i listing 5, 4, 3, 2, 1”? “am i going to lose control and forget everything”? i started feeling detached from the world. i quit enjoying activities/hobbies i always have loved doing. anytime i would try to partake in them i’m consumed the whole time by the thoughts “why do this? i’m not feeling any pleasure. if nothings real why am i doing anything?” it started making me feel like i was driving myself genuinely insane. how can two things coexist as “nothings real, i’m not real but i’m here and living”? i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m literally at a point where i just feel hopeless like nothing will ever help.

Ok so, right now my brain is in panic mode, not sure what triggered it. I’ve been opening up to my mom more and my sister, and i’m starting up ERP and intense therapy again. My mom has a couple ideas on why I am in panic mode right now. I’ve seen the movie “Obsession” 3 times and as much as I loved the movie I think it triggered something. But also i’m not sure and what if I’m just blaming the movie for what i’m feeling. That uncertainty is getting debilitating. For more context I was in a weird like situationship that I got way too attached to and I was just ignoring the fact that she didn’t want something more with me. I have struggles with attachment and relationships and ROCD. Now recently i’ve been talking to this girl and we have so much in common and we’ve only hung out two times and both times we just talk about our problems and life together. And my brain is telling me i’m “trauma dumping” or “love bombing” and I just don’t know. She knows like everything about me i think, i honestly can’t remember everything that i’ve opened up to her about. But my brain is constantly on a loop of what ifs and I just don’t know what to do. I really like her and she understands me and listens to me i’m just terrified of doing too much. Does anyone have any strategies i can use to snap out of my spirals? I try the “maybe, maybe not” but sometimes it just doesn’t work and im honestly just losing hope.

I need help, advise. So I and my ex recently started talking and she's been giving me mixed signals and I still have strong feelings for her so I decided to ask...I'm kinda scared of her, I always make her angry no matter how I try not to. She eventually told me she wanted to keep me but what she went through in the past was way to bigger so therefore, she doesn't want a relationship but wants to be Friends with benefits FWB since being friends would get complicated anyway. I felt hurt, like is that what she has reduced me to. And somehow I find myself talking on and on about, asking how she could say something like that. I overrated and she pulled back, said we're not even in a relationship but we're arguing again, the exact reason she doesn't want one. Realizing she still love me but just scared of the settings, I found myself confessing my actual feelings again, love. I told her I wanted her too and God help me I want her so badly. I'm going crazy, I'm afraid I must have ruined a tiny chance. I've dropped a long message on how I want her back in my life and I even added a "I love you" in hope she realizes how much I want her. She thinks I'm a horrible person and I'm so scared I may go into depression again, if she rejects me. I need help please, she hasn't replied , although she said she was busy but it's eating me up.

Hi everyone, I’m writing because I feel overwhelmed and I really need some support from people who understand OCD. I have contamination OCD, and since becoming a mother my fears have become much more intense. My baby is only a few months old, and my mind is constantly telling me that she could become seriously ill because of germs, viruses, or contamination. I know that many of my fears are driven by OCD, but when it comes to my daughter it feels almost impossible to tell the difference between what is a reasonable precaution and what is OCD. The biggest problem is that my partner, who is also the father of my baby, has become increasingly hostile toward me because of this. When I ask him to wash his hands in situations where I feel uncomfortable, instead of talking to me calmly, he often calls me “crazy” or says that I’m mentally ill. He has also threatened to tell other people how “crazy” I am so that they will agree with him. We even went to one session with a psychologist together, hoping it would improve things, but instead I feel like our relationship has become even worse. There has also been an incident where he forcefully pushed my arm away during an argument. Since then, I feel scared, not only because of the conflict itself but because I’m afraid he could use my OCD against me if our relationship ends. One of my biggest fears is that because I have OCD, he could somehow take my daughter away from me or convince other people that I’m an unfit mother. I love my daughter more than anything, and despite my OCD I do everything I can to care for her. I don’t want my illness to define me or be used as a weapon against me. I know I need to keep working on my OCD, and I’m committed to doing that. But it’s incredibly difficult to recover when I feel judged, insulted, and afraid in my own relationship. Has anyone else experienced something similar? Have you had a partner who used your OCD against you? How did you cope? And if you’re a parent with contamination OCD, how did you learn to distinguish between normal hygiene precautions and OCD-driven compulsions when it came to your child? Thank you for reading. I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar.

I am from the Midwest, where we cannot handle talking about severe mental issues well. As a result of this, I have downplayed and went through significant draining effort to hide my symptoms from others on top of the symptoms themselves. I did this with a 33 on the Y-BOCS test (yes I took it myself but I aired on the side of downplaying the symptoms when taking the test). I did not seek therapy except for once when I got a therapist, and I told her my symptoms on the first visit, and then I went right back to downplaying even to my therapist. I would say/indicate that I was feeling good or much better when that was in fact not true. I don't have severe OCD anymore, but I look back on how severe I was (like one specific 2-3 month epidode that included my 17 hour day of googling, when I significantly fell back in school because I spent class time googling, when I was super late to work because I was googling, when I lost 5-10 pounds in a matter of weeks from the anxiety, when I would sneak off the bathroom many times a day for the 2-3 months to Google, when I would spend all of my non googling and non working time doing mental compulsions). In all of this, my brain refused to let me label myself as broken or in need of repair or help. I never let myself fully understand that what I was going through was actually difficult and not just am everyday issue. As a result, I shut myself out from the help that I needed. I still notice myself doing this in front of this girl who I have strong feelings for. I act super put together, which I almost am, but as of late I get a bit irritated at myself for bounding myself to this cage that I made for myself. Obviously, I show my real personality to her, but I feel like I am always looking my own shoulder judging myself on concealing what I deal with. The other part of this story is that from what I understand, this girl has quite the history with mental health problems. I cannot tell what to do. My real personality is an extrovert and I really enjoy talking to her, but I find myself seemingly hiding certain details about my mental health subliminally and I am not a big fan of the fact that I do that