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the NOCD Community

Since I’ve moved countries and away from everything I’ve ever known, my depersonalization has been so bad. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t recognize myself. I’m so lonely, I have no friends, and no family, nothing I know or feel comfort in. I feel so isolated to the point there’s constantly a brick on my chest. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve just got married but I’m seriously considering going home. I miss home. I miss me. I miss being able to feel comfort.

Hi I’ve recently been diagnosed with sever anxiety and ocd.. I have really delusional thoughts and I have this thing were I think, if I think of a memory I’ll change it.. but I’m obsessed with trying to remember conversations from that day or years ago I feel like a flood gates been opened into my memory I’m also struggling with harm ocd as well.. worst of all is what I can only describe as racing thoughts but there unconnected.. example.. amygdala blue car and the red car Cumberland sausage the rock theme tunes.. and now I’m getting them were my voice changes into accents with the conversations ?

I havent been on here in a while and honestly stuff has been getting worse. I legitimately feel like I'm crazy, but sometimes it comes in waves. For a bit I may be feeling fine and then I get an odd feeling and just feel off and the instrusive thoughts start getting worse. These thoughts are literally eating me alive. I love my parents and I would be devastated if anything happened to them, but I feel like I'm the danger and I hate it. I find myself leaving the house as often as I can and when I come back at night I literally get the worse feelings. They already know about this and I've been seeing a doctor about it, but cant get a psychiatrist appointment until jan 22 ?. At this point I dont even consider it ocd I just think I fucked my brain up with drugs.

Warning, VERY LONG: Okay so I just got triggered. Gay people say they knew they were gay from a young age, like they didn’t talk about the opposite sex or go Gaga over them. In sixth grade I was reading a book where this girl was a tomboy and all the guys liked her, so I dressed like a tomboy cause I thought I’d get guys to notice me. But me and my friends rarely talked about guys and I didn’t think anything of it cause I remember having crushes that time and thinking that about myself. Also in sixth grade my mom asked if I liked boys and I said “ew no that’s gross” (note: two years before I was being sexually abused by a guy and watched my friend as well) and then she asked “do you like girls” and I went “ew no that’s even grosser.” And I remember at times telling my dad I thought all the girls talking about guys was dumb, but I remember in seventh grade I started talking about boys more. Like before hocd hit I had a huge crush on Hayes grier and had my first ever sexual dream with him. I remember telling my mom I think I’m starting to get an interest in guys. But after that hocd hit like two months before I was 13. When my hocd is gone for awhile I think guys are cute and want a relationship but when it’s not I’m always freaking out. As a little little kid I remember finding guys cute, chasing boys on playgrounds, telling one we’re gonna get married on Monday, telling them they’re cute, being obsessed with the Ken Barbie doll and all that stuff. This all is so much harder for me (hocd) cause I have anxiety with guys touching me since I was sexually abused for three years, witnessed him rape my best friend and touch 7 other girls. Once when I was fifteen this guy touched my thigh and I had a huge anxiety attack. I’m much better now, but there’s only truly been one boy I’ve loved and TRULY KNOW I’ve wanted him to touch me. I also remember finding this one guy so cute when we i was 15. I have only ever gotten turned on by sexting with a guy and guys touching me. Like then my hocd goes “well you’ve never tried it with a girl” but I don’t wanna. This all is so intense and scary. Reading my past do I sound gay? :( or possibly could be I’m so scared

When I was in kindergarten, an older kid at my babysitter’s house was sexually inappropriate with me. I felt horrible guilt about what had happened for a long time. It caused me to start having severe panic attacks at age seven. I constantly felt like I was carrying around a dirty secret. I couldn’t eat. The best way I can describe the guilt was the physical feeling that my stomach was heavy. I very recently, at the age of 18, had my first consensual sexual experience. Afterwards, I laid in bed next to the guy and silently endured a panic attack. I was afraid of feeling the guilt again. Like horribly afraid. I couldn’t calm myself down or logic it out in my head. This was after cancelling on this guy twice for fear of having sex and then feeling the guilt. I should capitalize that. The Guilt is more fitting. Guilt is something I cannot stand in the slightest, and the only way I could make myself stop panicking about this situation was to almost immediately tell my mom. Why? I’m an adult. I’m on the pill. It’s my personal life. She doesn’t need to know. But I was so afraid of The Guilt, and that was the only way to be sure I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Now I’m fine. But I’m afraid of not being able to enjoy certain aspects of my life because I’m so afraid of The Guilt returning.

I have what can only be described as a debilitating obsession with clarifying myself and making my points clear to others, often after a conversation has already passed. My inner peace tends to become greatly affected by the compulsion to seek approval, “permission”, reassurance, etc so that others have absolute confirmation of my perspective, what I meant, or what I intended to say, etc. This often leads to catastrophizing what it is they may be thinking which only further drives the compulsion to clarify. It’s as if I must be heard (or re-heard), and they must know what I meant or else they will think the “wrong” thing about me, and potentially judge me based on inaccurate data. Basically, I must know that someone (usually someone close to me) has the right idea about me or else it drives me crazy. I suppose you can say it’s a form of approval addiction with OCD symptoms. Does anyone else ever experience this?

So I have a question for everyone in here I want to as clearly as I can describe my harm OCD including my obsessions, spikes, and compulsions and I want to see if anyone in here can relate to my experience. It’s bizarre for sure just to let you all know. So my obsession is that I will harm everyone I encounter when I’m out in public, including people I just randomly walk by in the store and or elsewhere. Even if I’m just sitting in my car parked and seeing people walk by outside my car. When I physically look at them my spike immediately occurs and most of the time it is an 8 or 10 out 10 intensity level. Next is my compulsion. So what I do for my compulsion is I have to keep physically looking at them either for a few seconds or until they walk out of site. By doing this I’m assuring myself that I couldn’t have done anything to them because I see them walking away and their just fine. It’s just so exhausting and repetitive. This specific theme has been going on strong now for at least a year and a half and I just can’t shake it. Any help or ideas or similar experiences would be greatly helpful. Thanks!

Dreams don’t mean anything, right?

Can I talk to someone real quick

POCD / In tears at family gathering/fear of touching? Any advice please. 34 y/o male. Have been suffering with POCD groinal reactions, ROCD, scrupulously, etc for many years. Does anyone fear that they are trying to touch or rub against people? Sometimes this thing will happen where something will provoke me to move my body (like turn around or move out of the way of something) and I’ll worry that what’s actually happening is that I’m trying to rub against someone. This happened last year at a party I was at where a woman walked by and I moved away to let her by, but was really worried that I had actually tried to touch her. The same thing happened again today only with my 11 year old niece. Having POCD, I have had horrifying groinal reactions/false arousal around her. God, I hate this disorder. I would never dream of doing anything inappropriate to her. OCD has been a terror to me for the last few family gatherings. I think something got my attention in the line to get food from the kitchen counter and I turned to get out of the way. In the split second that it took me to turn around, I heard one of the kids in our family (couldn’t tell if it was my niece or nephew) approach. I am really, really worried that I had an impulse to rub against my niece in this split second. I was horrified. I would never ever under any circumstances try to do something inappropriate to my niece, but I’m worried that my body just did it on its own. Turns out, it was my nephew standing behind me and I didn’t even touch him when I turned around. I am relieved that I didn’t bump into him, but I can’t help but wonder - what was my intention? Did my body really move to touch what I thought was my niece? Anyone relate?

Help! I need to tell my story. It is long but if you could hear me and help me somehow I would be very thankful and pray for you! I am 16 soon 17, experimenting medium-strong HOCDz I hope my story won’t take too long but I really need help from those who maybe experiment the same thing. During my childhood, my father was not always present for me emotionally. He cheated many times on my mother, I saw him screaming at her even being violent( i don’t want to get into details ) so it became a kind of dominant masculine power into my mind. I still remember liking this girl in kindergarten and after all the cheating stuff began. From that moment, when I was only 6-7 i started searching on internet photos of muscled men. I even used to girly things in my childhood (playing with dolls) as now i find it a scary proof which gives me a great deal of anxiety.As the time passed and I grew I started watching gay porn. The thing is that I always had these images being dominated and powerless which at that time didn’t me any questions. The thing is that I never imagined myself in an emotional way with a man-but never, even when I was 10 or 9 or whatever that sounded very bad. After masturbating I always felt bad and somewhere in my soul I always knew that something was wrong. I always but always dreamed of a family with a beautiful woman and kids even when I was masturbatig. I still remember praying to God telling that this isn’t me! In my secondary, I was bullied and called names. Highschool, I was 15 came and I met this guy who was evidently gay or bi or whatever (i can’t even write these words without getting anxiety) and somehow we started becoming friends, till i posed the question he is gay, i am .. i didn’t know so we talked till one night we were in the city and he almost kissed me (almost because at that moment I was so freaked out and grossed and I felt it was so wrong but at the same time I was hopeless being given that girls didn’t interest me at that time. However I turned it off and never went again on such a date. All this shit gay dating questioning lasted for 6-7 months which were the worst of my life. I got the worst anxiety ever thinking and beliving that that was the life for me - living in gross gay relationships (i am really sorry, i am not homophobic but for me it’s just horrifying). That period i frequented a psychiatrist where I didn’t talk about these problems and just gave me some pills for stress. After this period the big question came « woah man, then.. there must be something between you and girls ». I started a journey of self development. I meditated, I lifted weights I started getting fit as in the « black period » as I call it I was not only skinny but almost cadaveric. So things got better, my self esteem grew and grew. I strengthened my relationship with God as before I didn’t belive in.And from one to another, I started getting aroused by girls, I started having fantasies sexuals and emotionals. I kissed girls and the time always seem to stop during that. I had these crush on a girl I found as an angel when I looked at her I felt my stomach float. I was very happy. Men didn’t seem attractive to me no more and I started thinking normal, I made a lot of friends( dudes) playing basketball. I felt great. Winter came and another question comes ( Why? But why did I have all these gay thoughts? Why, when now they seem so ugly, horrible, dark. They must have meant something. What if they still exist. What if I am denying and I am secretly hiding myself. And so the story of my HOCD begins. I obsess almost 24/7 and fearing that I am secretly bisexual. These thoughts make me crazy and depressed. I can’t even stay near a boy and not be afraid: what if? What if? What if I get a groinal response. What if the old times came back. The thought of a man touching me sensually makes me sick and at the same time I am focusing on my groinal to see if something happens. I just can’t imagine myself with a man but the HOCD IS THERE WHISPERING SOME BULLSHIT IN MY EAR. Since I identified all of my symptoms with HOCD i got also pocd and existential ocd but those stopped. But this, this keeps playing with me. Please, if you read all of these, I really need help the thought of any encounter with man starts making me crazy. I started watching too much porn I think I am begging to be addicted to reasure myself... I know deep in my soul I am straight i know but all my past experience amplifies my HOCD. Even the thought of being bi scares me. Help!

I recovered from Pure O (Harm OCD and HOCD), ask me anything! Disclaimer: I’m obviously not a professional! I just want to maybe offer some advice based on my own personal experiences and hopefully help and answer some questions people have

Ocd makes me feel so lonely. I crave for intimacy and being understood and cared for so much but it's like I'll never have any of these. I just overthink over stuff that makes me feel like crap, and I can't get them out of my mind. I'm set to lead a miserable life, stuck with my broken mind. This is no way to live.

I don't feel too great and it's not a physical thing. I don't have anxiety that much anymore it's a bit rare. I do worry I'm not worrying alot tho. It's like in between accepting what I worry about is true, and not wanting to ever even come close to anything like it. It feels weird and I fight myself alot (or my mind) on what is authentically my thoughts and what isn't. I went online (you know, like how your not supposed too) and I found an article about people with ocd might feel like they have to do what they worry about To get over all this. I don't want to and never will, but I still worry if I'm in that state or if I will get to that conclusion. I'm tired all the time and I'm never in the mood to do the things I loved before. I wish I knew how rough it was gunna be before it hit me. I left a job because it's super stressful and I'm unemployed rn. So I've been at home all day for a little while. So I came to a conclusion, I'm gunna try more. Ima go out, Try to find a job, try to take more than one shower every few days and I'm going to try to enjoy art again.I've come pretty far and im not stopping now. Anybody feel the same. Could always use the tips.

Anyone else just spend as much time as possible sleeping because that's the only time when your brain isn't firing on all cylinders like it's about to explode. Fuck.

Deadass feel like i wont be able to fall in love again ever. Like i dont know what it is and as long as these thoughts stay with me i will be forever alone. The fact that that just depressing as hell and that i know what i will be missing makes me so done with life.

Question... I've been doing erp for a few months now. My obsessive thoughts don't swim in my head nearly as much anymore, which is wonderful. Here's my question: even thought the thoughts seem quieter, my anxious feelings still are there (chest tightness, butterflies in my stomach) Anyone else experience this? Are the same techniques used to combat "anxious feelings" as obsessive thoughts?

Every day i have new random thought of any kind it’s very random and it can came onetime and not came again It’s not repetitive or in a type or theme That’s make me feel that isn’t ocd

(tw for sexual content/POCD) I'm worried that I'm developing POCD but my situation is a little different than most and I'd really appreciate some feedback. When I was in my mind teens I was really into age-play with sex. I always played the younger role and had no desire to play the older role and was even turned off by the idea. Then when I met my boyfriend (at 20 and 21) I found out he happened to be into it too, only he liked to play the younger role also. I was initially not very open to it but eventually decided to try it for him. After a while I got more comfortable with it and began to actually like it and now I much prefer it over the other way. This is pretty much the norm for us now and while I'm very comfortable with him, the idea still makes me really uncomfortable because I feel like I'm secretly just a pedophile. However, never have I ever been attracted to an actual child and the thought is repulsing to me. But at the same time, with the age-play thing it's the whole idea of it that's sexually appealing to me, the "taboo-ness" of it. The scenes we play out are basically molestation. And the fact that that arouses me disgusts me, but all I can say is that it honestly, truly only arouses me in the context of two consenting adults role-playing, and the thought of me or anyone hurting an actual child is repulsive. I'm attracted to my boyfriend's adult body role-playing as a child but in no way am I attracted to an actual child's body. I know this in my heart but I'm still terrified I secretly am and that I'm a horrible person for doing this. I know this is really different than most people with POCD and some of you might actually think I am a horrible person for doing this. I've expressed this worry to my boyfriend and he understands but doesn't think I should worry because he knows it's just a kink and that neither of us are actually interested in children. It just torments me because if I'm not interested in children, why do I like this??? I dwell on this so much that I start convincing myself that I was abused as a child and repressed it and that's why I'm like this. I'm terrified by how much it arouses me. The only thing that gets me off is thinking really horrible disgusting thoughts, but I'm always only ever picturing my boyfriend. Has anyone else ever gone through this?? I'm worried that I'm developing POCD but I'm also worried that I'm actually just a pedophile which I know is literally what it is but this is different and I feel very isolated. I know there is a large community that does this sort of BDSM shit who aren't pedophiles and aren't worried about being pedophiles but what if I really am? I can't reiterate enough that I don't in any way, shape, or form desire to be with a child sexually, but if that's true, why do I have this disgusting fetish?? I have had debilitating OCD all my life but it's primarily been "just right" OCD. I'm just confused and I don't know what to do and would really appreciate hearing what you all think.

I got yelled at about my OCD today. I got up to wash my hands and it took a minute because obsessive hand washing is stupid. My grandmother asked what I was doing and I explained and my mom said that I don’t really need to wash my hands that much but I do it anyways. Whole point of the whole OCD thing. OBSESSIVE. Then we moved on to the topic of showers because I got a new speaker. I take 40-60 minute showers. My mom told me that I CAN shower in 10-15 minutes, but I’m not trying hard enough. She doesn’t understand that I’ve tried to take shorter showers or not wash my hands as much but then I get thrown into a panic because what if I get sick and die because I didn’t kill all of the germs. I just wish I had friends with OCD that live in my area. Wishful thinking. Anyways, the inevitable panic attack happened about 2 hours into my morning. How was your Christmas? Mine was just peachy.