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the NOCD Community

Lol how tf can I not look at ANY FEMALE without wondering if I would get butterflies if I were to kiss her or am attracted to her or think about a stupid ass lesbian scenario with her. Done done done. Make it stop. It feels like I totally would want it. I’m so sick of it. It’s almost like I’m used to it. But still don’t want to act on it. UGH

Can HOCD cause unwanted thoughts about “coming out”. Like “just come out already.” Because I do not like the sexual images and thoughts I’m having.

whose ocd started after smoking cannabis? :)

Anyone else hyper aware of ringing in their ears?

I need to vent to you all. So yesterday was my 18th birthday and I was so happy but my family ruined it and made it the worst day ever for me. We all ended up getting into a huge fight because my family won’t allow me to get a job, have my license, my ID card, won’t let me get doctors checkups bc they refused to get me healthcare and I haven’t had it for a few years now, yesterday I was planning on getting my piercing and because I look younger than 18 obviously they asked for my ID but the problem is my family will NOT allow me to have one. So, the guy told my grandma that was with me that she could sign the paper but guess what? She flat out said no with an attitude and got all fussy over just signing a paper. So that ticked me off because I’m never allowed to do anything.. not allowed to have friends tje only friends I have are online and they don’t know about them because if they did omg I would be DEAD, they are always putting me down about anything I do, if I accomplish something that I’m proud of like my weight loss for example it’s like they get all jealous of me and get an attitude about it like they can’t be happy for anyone else but themselves. They literally cussed me out behind my back yesterday and I only know they did because my cousin told me, they called me a liar when I told the TRUTH and of course everyone believed them because they ALWAYS pull this crying act to make people feel sorry for them. I told them “you ruined my birthday” and they said “how did I ruin your birthday? What did I do? I never do anything you know I love you” just trying to guilt trip me but I didn’t buy into any of their bs last night. I sat outside for about three hours in the cold because I was terrified of my dad. My dad is very aggressive and so are my brothers so I’m extremely scared of being around them. I had two breakdowns yesterday. I couldn’t enjoy my day at all. Every time I am around them my energy gets so drained. I feel dead around them. I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells. They have ruined so much for me. They’ve ruined things that could have been the best for me, they ruined my happiness, they ruined my self esteem, they have isolated me, they made me not trust anyone and made it seem like I could only trust them for the longest time, they have ruined my life. They ruined my mental health. I’m always so stressed around them. When no one is home I feel so free and like myself but then when they are home I isolate myself in my small squAre room afraid to leave it because I don’t want to interact with them. I don’t have contact with my mom because my mom has nothing to do with my either and I don’t know any of her side of the family and I absolutely HATE my dads side of the family because they are all the same. I just game off of medication and I was so happy but now bc of yesterday and being under high stress My ocd thoughts have been terrible today. I keep thinking everyone hates me including my amazing partner and friends. I keep thinking of all these “what if this, what if that” thoughts and it’s so terrifying. I’ve had to relearn everything because I used to act like them because their behavior was all I grew to know so I thought it was perfectly okay to treat others the same but hard reality hit me and I had a breakdown when I realized what I had become. A monster. All I’ve ever wanted to do was spread love and happiness to others because I know how it feels to be hurt and I never in a million years wanted to treat someone in the same controlling, manipulative, jealous behavior that my family has put me through but I did. I was hurt and caused hurt to others without knowing it. But ive changed a lot. I’m more aware of my actions, I’ve learned how to handle my emotions and communicate better instead of holding everything in, I’m a bit more confident in myself and I’m definitely not the person I used to be. I’ve owned up to my past mistakes and can admit when I’m wrong and my friend telling me that she loves the person I am now and to forget my past self meant so much to me. But, i feel like i can’t ever have true happiness in life until I’m away from here. Luckily, a friend is going to pick me up in the next week or two so I’ll be away from here for good but it’s just Im so hurt from yesterday. I can’t stop thinking about how they ruined my special day then tried to guilt trip me and act like they did nothing wrong. I’m so so so so upset. I’m sorry this was so long but I really needed to let this off my chest.

This is so long ah I’m so sorry. I’m really just trying to get all my thoughts out/ see if anyone feels similarly/ and what they’ve found helps. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I’ve looked into it a lot and feel that I might have ROCD. (I was once diagnosed with anxiety, but didn’t keep up with therapy because my parents weren’t keen on it.) Now I really want to invest in it to get a formal diagnoses/help, and I’m going to start looking into that. I’m scared that this isn’t ROCD, and I’m truly just in the wrong relationship, or not actually in love with my partner. But then sometimes I’m certain it is? We’ve been together for a year and a couple of months, and it has been wonderful. She makes me feel so loved and so understood. She is my best friend. But this summer when we were on break from school I started getting major doubts once I’d found out about ROCD and some of my thoughts lined up with it’s description. I’d already started to have doubts before the summer. She is the first person I‘ve slept with, and it took a while for me to have an orgasm, and that made me freak out and start to question my attraction towards her/our compatibility. Every time we’d have sex I’d worry over this. (Though I also think it has to do with me not knowing what I wanted/what I liked in bed) Our sex life got better but I still had obsessive thoughts. I have them daily - “what if I don’t love her” or “what if this isn’t the right relationship” or “should I be dating someone else” When I’m with her I’m constantly checking. If we kiss, I’ll analyze how it feels (or how it doesn’t) and the same thing goes for when she compliments me or says she loves me. I’ll say I love her but something in my brain will say “but do you really?” Honestly, I’ve gotten to the point where when I think of her or am with her it makes me so anxious. I literally feel it in my stomach and chest. It’s so hard to deal with. I can’t make it stop. I think part of it is that I’m anxious that I’ll feel anxious/start to have obsessive thoughts, so I get anxious? I just want to be able to think of her and be around her and not feel so scared and anxious and always checking. I feel like my anxiety isn’t letting me truly experience my relationship.

i wanted to share my thoughts with you guys to see if anyone thinks the same thoughts as me. i had a pretty bad night last night so i decided to write all the thoughts i have down. i’m going to therapy today to get diagnosed and i’m really nervous but i’m hopeful it will help with my rocd and hocd. unless i just like don’t have it lol. background- my boyfriend of 4 months. we had been best friends for a year before that. sarah is his ex. i had and still to this day have a very toxic relationship with her and he would tell me too much abt them and what the did. he lost his virginity to her which rlly bothers me. when it mentions johns that was a party about a year ago where he got blackout drunk and couldn’t talk or sit up straight on his own and i had to stay in the bathroom with him alone for hours and clean up his vomit, pull up his pants, and carry him outside and it traumatized me. and kelly is my therapist. thoughts i don’t actually love him i’m leading him on i only want to be best friends again i’m not happy enough when i’m with him i’m not good enough to him he doesn’t like me he’s going to break up with me him playing video games and not paying attention to me means he doesn’t like me anymore him needing space means he doesn’t like me him not wanting to hangout means he doesn’t like me he’s probably sending nudes to other girls and i would have no idea he still likes his exes he still likes the girls he told me abt months before we were dating he isn’t good enough (vapes) i get so beyond sad when he drink/vapes my stomach drops (bc of johns) he’s lying to me abt vaping, drinking, weed beady eyes (i hate that i think this) not actually attractive if i think other guys are attractive it’s bc i don’t actually love him if he thinks other girls are attractive it’s because he doesn’t actually love me i’m leading him on other people are way more in love we’re going to break up i’m annoying him i’m too sensitive and he’s going to get tired of it comments he made abt sarah (she cries so much, she thinks we’re gonna get married) he was annoyed with her when he made those comments so he could be making those comments abt me i think abt sarah every time he does something cute/ hold his hand etc (‘he did this with sarah too’ ‘sarah thought it was cute when he did this too’) i don’t actually have feelings for him i’m just tricking myself that it’s ocd the thoughts are real if i’m having these thoughts they must be true i should break up with him now so that i don’t hurt him longer feel anxious going on dates in public older people judge us feel like kelly will judge me ‘she’s just a teenager she doesn’t know what love is’ scared people think i’m gay that ‘we knew you were gay from when you were little’ scared my friends think i’m gay scared kelly will think i’m gay having doubts abt loving my boyfriend means i like girls thinking a girl is attractive means i’m gay noticing a girls ass or boobs makes me gay ‘it runs in the family’ (my cousins are mostly all lgbtq+) i’m having the thoughts so it must be true i don’t have hocd i’m denying that i’m gay

Why did this ruined my whole perception on life. I used to think this shut was amazing and beautiful. I wanted to travel, see country’s, help people in need. I loved cultures and my biggest dream was going to the jungle and all that. Even tho if i wouldnt be able to achieve all that i still had the power and ability to just dream about it. That would be enough. But now even that had been taken. When i think about these things the sparkling feeling doesnt come, the desire to want it and the feeling of just being excited doesnt come up. Thats what makes me feel so numb and dark. For example inalways used to dream about going to tokio. I promised my 12 year old self i would at least visit japan once. Now im able to but i dont feel that passion or that love anymore. Theres zero excitemend. All becaude of the damage hocd has done me. I feel broken and idk if i can be restored again. I dont wsnt to miss out on these things. I get so sad thinking about that ill might never feel that magical feeling i used to crave so much. My young me would be so dissapointed. I dont wanna stay bitter but i littersly csnt control my feelings. I cant tell my soul to feel excited when its just anxious all the time. It has to be natural and genuine and im so afraid im not able to ever produce natural and genuine feelings without at least think of something that i dont wsnt to think about, like a hocd thought or just any of all the fucked up thoughts that ruined me. I have friends who are depressed but theyre sad they tell me but they keep on rumbling about how much they dream of doing this and this and going on vacations n shit and im like, how tf are h even able to be excited or have passion for something? Arent u completely shattered to the point where u cant dream no more. I mean i dont wish them any of what jm feeling and its not like i dont want them to be happy but idk one time we relate with feeling so drained but then suddenly they can act so happy and excited for things. Idk if im the only who has this but my dreams dont feel pure andymore and its sucks because when i was young i just couldnt wait. Like i already was happy but i looked so forward to my dreams thst could make me even more happy and now i csnt even reach being okay. I want to feel those moments so bad without it feeling forced or makingg me anxious. I dont wanna go to tokio unless if i get my old self back and me able to feel thode goosebumps i used to get when i even just thought about being in that city. I just miss feeling alive. When i was young i listened to music and i couldny wait to go clubbing, now im at the age where i csn do all the teen stuff but it doesnt get me excited and it doesnt gibe me sparkle. It gives me anxiety. And i know the obstacle thats causing this is hocd but hocd seems unremovable and i feel like its nesteled in my brain and like a virus i will never lose. So what if the highest point ive reached in my life was when i was 12 and had a crush on harry styles and had a will to live and dreamt all day because it made me feel so so happy and special. I just have to know if im able to get over this and feel that. I dont wanna waste anymore time being like this but i cant stop it and when i try it gets worse. i want to be excited by life again. Right before hocd i was, it all shutered down the minute hocd came in my life. So if hocd is gone will it come back? It feels like ive ruined myself and like im not capable of feeling those feelings ever again.

Anyone available for talking cauzz im feeling really anxious right now ??

I can't tell if I have HOCD or I'm in great denial. It feels so unnatural to be with a girl but I feel like I want it? I am scared I don't have any HOCD and I'm just saying this as an excuse to not be gay. I always smile (without even trying) whenever I imagine myself with a boy and when I imagine it with girls, it just feels so lonely and dark. Makes me want to peel my own skin. I really want to be straight again. I know I've always been.

I feel like I’m just gonna be the one person whose actually gay. And i also feel like I’d be living a lie if I were straight :( But I wanna be straight :( Do you feel that way?

Since I’ve moved countries and away from everything I’ve ever known, my depersonalization has been so bad. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t recognize myself. I’m so lonely, I have no friends, and no family, nothing I know or feel comfort in. I feel so isolated to the point there’s constantly a brick on my chest. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve just got married but I’m seriously considering going home. I miss home. I miss me. I miss being able to feel comfort.

Hi I’ve recently been diagnosed with sever anxiety and ocd.. I have really delusional thoughts and I have this thing were I think, if I think of a memory I’ll change it.. but I’m obsessed with trying to remember conversations from that day or years ago I feel like a flood gates been opened into my memory I’m also struggling with harm ocd as well.. worst of all is what I can only describe as racing thoughts but there unconnected.. example.. amygdala blue car and the red car Cumberland sausage the rock theme tunes.. and now I’m getting them were my voice changes into accents with the conversations ?

I havent been on here in a while and honestly stuff has been getting worse. I legitimately feel like I'm crazy, but sometimes it comes in waves. For a bit I may be feeling fine and then I get an odd feeling and just feel off and the instrusive thoughts start getting worse. These thoughts are literally eating me alive. I love my parents and I would be devastated if anything happened to them, but I feel like I'm the danger and I hate it. I find myself leaving the house as often as I can and when I come back at night I literally get the worse feelings. They already know about this and I've been seeing a doctor about it, but cant get a psychiatrist appointment until jan 22 ?. At this point I dont even consider it ocd I just think I fucked my brain up with drugs.

Warning, VERY LONG: Okay so I just got triggered. Gay people say they knew they were gay from a young age, like they didn’t talk about the opposite sex or go Gaga over them. In sixth grade I was reading a book where this girl was a tomboy and all the guys liked her, so I dressed like a tomboy cause I thought I’d get guys to notice me. But me and my friends rarely talked about guys and I didn’t think anything of it cause I remember having crushes that time and thinking that about myself. Also in sixth grade my mom asked if I liked boys and I said “ew no that’s gross” (note: two years before I was being sexually abused by a guy and watched my friend as well) and then she asked “do you like girls” and I went “ew no that’s even grosser.” And I remember at times telling my dad I thought all the girls talking about guys was dumb, but I remember in seventh grade I started talking about boys more. Like before hocd hit I had a huge crush on Hayes grier and had my first ever sexual dream with him. I remember telling my mom I think I’m starting to get an interest in guys. But after that hocd hit like two months before I was 13. When my hocd is gone for awhile I think guys are cute and want a relationship but when it’s not I’m always freaking out. As a little little kid I remember finding guys cute, chasing boys on playgrounds, telling one we’re gonna get married on Monday, telling them they’re cute, being obsessed with the Ken Barbie doll and all that stuff. This all is so much harder for me (hocd) cause I have anxiety with guys touching me since I was sexually abused for three years, witnessed him rape my best friend and touch 7 other girls. Once when I was fifteen this guy touched my thigh and I had a huge anxiety attack. I’m much better now, but there’s only truly been one boy I’ve loved and TRULY KNOW I’ve wanted him to touch me. I also remember finding this one guy so cute when we i was 15. I have only ever gotten turned on by sexting with a guy and guys touching me. Like then my hocd goes “well you’ve never tried it with a girl” but I don’t wanna. This all is so intense and scary. Reading my past do I sound gay? :( or possibly could be I’m so scared

When I was in kindergarten, an older kid at my babysitter’s house was sexually inappropriate with me. I felt horrible guilt about what had happened for a long time. It caused me to start having severe panic attacks at age seven. I constantly felt like I was carrying around a dirty secret. I couldn’t eat. The best way I can describe the guilt was the physical feeling that my stomach was heavy. I very recently, at the age of 18, had my first consensual sexual experience. Afterwards, I laid in bed next to the guy and silently endured a panic attack. I was afraid of feeling the guilt again. Like horribly afraid. I couldn’t calm myself down or logic it out in my head. This was after cancelling on this guy twice for fear of having sex and then feeling the guilt. I should capitalize that. The Guilt is more fitting. Guilt is something I cannot stand in the slightest, and the only way I could make myself stop panicking about this situation was to almost immediately tell my mom. Why? I’m an adult. I’m on the pill. It’s my personal life. She doesn’t need to know. But I was so afraid of The Guilt, and that was the only way to be sure I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Now I’m fine. But I’m afraid of not being able to enjoy certain aspects of my life because I’m so afraid of The Guilt returning.

I have what can only be described as a debilitating obsession with clarifying myself and making my points clear to others, often after a conversation has already passed. My inner peace tends to become greatly affected by the compulsion to seek approval, “permission”, reassurance, etc so that others have absolute confirmation of my perspective, what I meant, or what I intended to say, etc. This often leads to catastrophizing what it is they may be thinking which only further drives the compulsion to clarify. It’s as if I must be heard (or re-heard), and they must know what I meant or else they will think the “wrong” thing about me, and potentially judge me based on inaccurate data. Basically, I must know that someone (usually someone close to me) has the right idea about me or else it drives me crazy. I suppose you can say it’s a form of approval addiction with OCD symptoms. Does anyone else ever experience this?

So I have a question for everyone in here I want to as clearly as I can describe my harm OCD including my obsessions, spikes, and compulsions and I want to see if anyone in here can relate to my experience. It’s bizarre for sure just to let you all know. So my obsession is that I will harm everyone I encounter when I’m out in public, including people I just randomly walk by in the store and or elsewhere. Even if I’m just sitting in my car parked and seeing people walk by outside my car. When I physically look at them my spike immediately occurs and most of the time it is an 8 or 10 out 10 intensity level. Next is my compulsion. So what I do for my compulsion is I have to keep physically looking at them either for a few seconds or until they walk out of site. By doing this I’m assuring myself that I couldn’t have done anything to them because I see them walking away and their just fine. It’s just so exhausting and repetitive. This specific theme has been going on strong now for at least a year and a half and I just can’t shake it. Any help or ideas or similar experiences would be greatly helpful. Thanks!

Dreams don’t mean anything, right?

Can I talk to someone real quick