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I truly just wish I didn’t have to live anymore. Escape to heaven so I don’t feel so awful and depressed anymore. I feel I’m losing my boyfriend cuz I’m so fucking nuts and ruin everything good in my life so now I’m scared to even talk about my ocd to him anymore. I am hurting so bad. My whole body hurts. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I fucking HURT AND ITS NEVER ENDING

I think the overuse of categories are bad. Ocd is ocd, it just clings to whatever themes are important to the sufferer at the time. Also, when there no “category” (for example, I’m obsessed with STDs and it leading to me being abandoned) it makes me even wonder if it IS ocd because there’s no one else experiencing this, and there’s no category lol

And if I show you my dark side Will you still hold me tonight? And if I open my heart to you And show you my weak side What would you do? Would you take the children away And leave me alone? And smile in reassurance As you whisper down the phone? Would you send me packing? Or would you take me home?

I just got a memory back saying when I was 11 I would always jump on this other girls back cause she reacted funny and I always argued with her hair that it was purple when it was red. I liked a guy at the time though, or so I think I did? Idk I’m scared this means I’m a lesbian or that I was flirting with her. I don’t remember ever thinking I had a crush on her tho:( is this normal?? Does this make me a lesbian??

Sensorimotor and checking OCD ~ First post on NOCD. Does anyone else have an abnormal amount of focus on bodily sensations? How do you deal with it? Also the doubt that comes with harm coming to your loved ones if you don’t check something in a “special” way. What helped you the most?

I want to date but I'm afraid to (like major avoidance). I don't know what to do. Because then my hocd says that being afraid of dating or talking to guys must mean im gay. Any advice on the dating part and hocd part. Thanks ??‍♀️

Hi! So.. My OCD brain is of the Pure O variety and I’ve been dealing with it since childhood, I’m 43 now. Never diagnosed because of a few reasons.. 1. I felt very anxious, with a side of shame and embarrassment about confiding to anyone about it because the topics my intrusive thoughts were very disturbing to me and the last thing I wanted was for others to misunderstand and misjudge me as some deviant freak that should be locked up someplace before I did something horrible. Not many people understand that OCD is a bioneurological condition of the Amygdala malfunctioning and misfiring signals of fight / flight and the rest of the brain responds by pairing these misfirings with some really disturbing repetitive cognitions. The combination of these misfirings and cognitions really fucked me up. At a very young age (pre-puberty) I already started to build a narrative about myself that was dark, scary and wholly untrue but no matter how I “fought back”, prayed and rationalized the thoughts and horrible feelings away the stronger the signals would come and the cognitions even more vivid. I’m time I learned how to cope as best I could and for the most part with lots of distractions and friends to run around with I was able to “get by”. I had. I idea what what was going on with me but I was very acutely aware that I was battling for my sanity and soul against a ritual screwing inside and that ink I and I alone can fight it. I had my good days and bad days.. But as life went in and I grew older the symptoms still persisted and eventually I developed a real deal anxiety and depression disorder. This on top of all the external stuff going on in my life that I had little to no control over which was just like gas in a fire. I escaped with drugs, alcohol and creating a persona to get by with socially so no one would ever have to know what was going on inside. Fast forward many years later to current day and I’ve had it all and lost it all.. Good women, loving relationships, jobs, career, education, friendships, you name it.. I fell so deep into isolation, avoidance of everyday life because I felt so debilitated and worn out. The past few years have been a long hard road to recovery but I wasn’t going to give up. The choice was literally life or death.. I had contemplated suicide many times but thankfully never went through with it. I have too much to live for.. my son, my family and the dreams and desires for ring my best authentic self shined through the darkness and lit a fire within me to do as much investigation and research as I possible could about anxiety disorders, depression and OCD. I also began to tap into my spiritual aspect through meditation and eastern philosophy. I’m now very educated on meditation, mindfulness, CBT and presently learning about ERP. The YouTube channel The OCD Stories with Dr. Steven Phillipson and the works of Dr. David Burns and Dr. Aaron Beck the founders of CBT have been extraordinarily inspirational and relieving. I finally know that I am not alone and what I’ve been going through is NOT uniquely something isolated to myself. That there are many who have felt the same ways and been through similar experiences. All I ever wanted and all I want is to be my best authentic self. Live a healthy, successful, happy and fulfilling life. The only thing holding me back from any of this I now have a name for: Pure O. And now I have all the information and tools to survive and thrive like I always knew I could if I just had the information I needed. Anyways.. CBT thought journaling is something I do everyday and it has been a real help in increasing my objective thinking resulting in real positive changes and rising energy levels and focus. I’ve been learning about ERP through Dr. Steven Phillipson and this is a real life changer as well! The present and future are now bright my friends. Now I just want to have a OCD trained therapist to work with and I’ll be fully armed with everything I need to stay healthy and happy. So.. yeah. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. All the best to all of you for achieving your goals and taking the power back! Much love.

I’m heartbroken now after finding out video game game character I like just got a girlfriend out of nowhere and now I cannot handle having anything to do with game anymore. I grew attached to him since playing this game for years and I have an obsession with him but I’m writing here because instead of trying to figure out how to move on but my hocd is making me feel worse by telling me I don’t like him or guys in general and making me feel worse. I can’t even deal with my real problem now and hocd is taken over. How do I deal with this

Body dysmorphia is so weird??? I am so anxious right now. I lost 4 pounds in 4 days from a terrible stomach flu, and now I am back at my smallest weight, 100 lbs. I went to go take a shower and when I looked at my body in the mirror, I was horrified by what I saw. I saw a disgusting skeleton. I could see my ribs from front to back. Since when had my ribs been that visible? My stomach was almost flat, but then my perception shifted and suddenly my stomach looked like it had a bit more chub to it. And I was astounded, aghast, as I watched my body alternate between "grotesque skeleton" to "could lose a few more pounds" and I am so sad because either way I am not happy with my body. I don't want to lose any more weight, but if I gain back those 4 pounds I lost then I will probably want to lose them again. Not to make a joke about this, but it was just like The Dress. If I chose to see golf and white, gold and white would appear. If I chose to see black and blue, black and blue would appear. I ended up obsessing about it the whole shower because I am so sad that I became this thin and I don't even know how it happened. It doesn't make any sense and my mind is racing trying to find answers. Do any of you suffer from BDD and can relate? I'm going to go eat a delicious bowl of muddy buddies to try to get myself to forget what I just saw in the mirror.

Just resisted a compulsion. I’m proud of myself that I did and I feel less anxious but I hate the unnerving feeling you get after, it’s like an itch you can’t scratch.

tf is heteroflexibilty?

How do I know if it’s a false memory or a repressed memory

feeling extreme guilt after even MILDLY laughing at a male coworkers joke, or finding something they said somewhat funny, feeling like this means I’ve betrayed, and even cheated on my boyfriend, all because I laughed at something another guy said. If I suspect they like me, I still feel guilty even if I’ve already mentioned my bf so they know I’m not interested, if another guy talks to me and I respond, I overthink how my response came off to them and what if I accidentally unintentionally flirted and betrayed my bf once again? It’s like my brain goes to every possible hurtful place Anybody relate?

Does anyone else have obsessions about psychosis/schizophrenia? And more specifically are conspiracy theories a HUGE trigger for you? -i.e.people talking about them/bringing them up in conversation casually. -fearing if you hear them you will someone believe them and lose touch with reality.

Anyone have any success with meds?

Anyone else with HOCD feel like they’re having a sexual response to every attractive person of the same sex that they see? This never happened to me before OCD.

Can someone help me a bit? Is it weird for someone who identified straight for most of their life had a crush on a fictional female androgynous character from a cartoon? She was the only girl I ever had an actual crush on. I'm feeling so out of place and I feel very gay. It feels very real and I can't fucking stand this at all. Idk what to do about this. I'm anxious, my heart is racing at the thought of her, imagining stuff feels good too. All things I've experienced mostly with boys but now I feel gay like maybe I was never attracted to boys at all. I'm so sorry that this had been my obsession for the past few posts but I can't somehow deal with this

SERIOUS trigger warning. am the worst person alive and feel like I’ve fooled everybody into thinking I’m better than I actually am as a person. My friend is also struggling with depression and anxiety and other life issues and he’s dumped on me a LOT in unhealthy ways over and over again. We have moved past that but he relies on a lot of other people when he shouldn’t, because people aren’t reliable. When he has some annoying behavior that’s not his fault and today I saw that he was in the ER last night. My mind went to “Was it a s*ic*de thing?” Or “is he being dramatic again?” Or “Was it a panic attack that got really bad?” Keep in mind that I’ve struggled with s*ic*de, being dramatic, and having panic attacks for much of my teen years. And I felt like I was disappointed when I was told it was just an elbow injury. Like I hoped he’d hurt himself because he annoys me. It didn’t feel like an intrusive thought but I believe that when this first started weeks ago it was intrusive thoughts that I was getting. Now my brain is like “Tell him your thought.” But I COULDNT tell him that!!? He’d actually spiral down and I’d break him and ruin his life and he might actually end his life!! I freaking HATE myself right now and like a phony. I don’t want him to die, but I’m struggling with being annoyed. And I try to avoid being annoyed because I have intrusive thoughts of harm. So what I’m saying is that when he first started annoying me, the thoughts were intrusive. But now I feel like I actually enjoy the thoughts and that they reflect a true desire of my heart. I don’t want to cause him that pain. And now I’m obsessing and thinking about people who bully and tell others to end their lives, etc. what the heck is wrong with me. The only thing in his control is his behavior and he’s not really working on it that much I don’t think and his mental condition is not his fault!!! What is WRONG WITH MY BRAIN?!?! How can God ever forgive me? I’ve had these thoughts before.

Is it really possible to screw up ur sexuality? Like everyrhinf was clear and good and normal and just so extremely good and i was happy with everything and then this crashed and i feel like it desdass ruined my hormones or something like idek whats going on? How is it that 2 years ago i look at harry styles and my heart jumps and i wanna be with him and my mind was healthy and clear and 2 years later i feel nothinggg for him my hearts empty i feel broken and empty. Why is it that i dont feel something that SHOULD be there

I just cant, who else just cant have fun? Like music friends and a party or sum doesnt get me in that mood anymore its just all the same feeling with hocd it gets sooo tiring like im mf done im so done i wanna feel shit again.. i aint even living at all im not living.