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the NOCD Community

What’s up everyone, I just downloaded the app and have enjoyed reading different topics on here so far. I have suffered from HOCD for seven years now. It started my second year of college out of the blue. I was scrolling through Instagram and saw a picture of my friends and thought they looked good. I immediately asked myself why am I thinking that? What does this mean? Why have I never thought before? Am I gay? The doubt regarding my sexual orientation was in full force. This sent me into a deep depression for several months. I skipped class, didn’t attend fraternity events, and missed football games. Pretty much every activity I enjoyed didn’t matter to me anymore. One day I googled “can you just turn gay all of a sudden” and “how do you know if you are gay” With those searches I found articles about HOCD. I checked every box regarding symptoms and mental compulsions. I compared my reactions tIt was a relief to finally figure out what I was going through. Before that search I was hopeless and didn’t want to live anymore. I found a therapist in my area who specializes in ocd so I thought I’d give him a try. I didn’t care for him but he referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed me 20mg lexapro, which helped me get out of bed in the mornings and diminished the intensity of my intrusive thoughts. The therapist I went to was the only one in my area at the time who specialized in ocd treatment, but I never went back. I got the vibe that he didn’t care about what I was dealing with. I’m 26 now and still experience the intrusive thoughts. My twin brother suffers from BDD and just came out to my family that he is gay. This sent my doubt into overdrive. Endless google searching about genetics and homosexuality and if your twin is gay does that mean you are? It sent me back to depression like my college days. Most of the time when I see a guy my mind automatically thinks he is attractive. They could be 18 or 65. It could be my best friend or it could be my dad. I have times where I experience the “groinal”. That is when I feel like Something is going on “down there”. It could be that I saw someone on tv or just shaking a guys hand. I’ll drive past a truck and think there must be good looking guy in there. Or I’ll hear a song on the radio about falling in love and my mind replaces the girl in the song with a guy. Occasionally when I’m next to a guy my ocd is telling me to kiss him. I feel like I have gotten pretty good at avoiding compulsions but feel like I need help from an expert with erp. I have read a few ocd books and have tried to practice their tips on my own, but it has never worked. Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to share my story so people know they aren’t alone.

TW: Highly disturbed/possible abuse. . . . . . . . . . I was looking at someones followers on instagram, I assumed they had fake followers. I clicked on one of the accounts following them and on there someone posted a picture/video (I couldn't really tell because it wasn't clear and I didnt want to enlarge it) of a baby being dropped and I could see some blood. It really disturbed me. I reported the account and instagram blocked it, so I assume it will be looked into now. This is really horrible for my OCD, I always makesure I'm browsing safely and dont come into contact with anything horrible/violent (it's one of my biggest fears). Its the worst thing in the world to see something happen to a vulnerable person. I cant stop ruminating over the whole thing now :(

ive recently started seeing an individual who is a poc and its gotten me really acutely aware of my whiteness. While this is a good thing and encourages unlearning and awareness for me, it also has wreaked havoc on my harm and taboo thinking OCD. I find myself tackling a lot of racist taboo intrusive thinking and it really alarms me. I’m disturbed by these thoughts and disagree with them entirely. but although I know part of it is OCD, i also know that racism is innate in essentially all white folks, and I dont want to use my mental health as an excuse. I’ve mostly been tackling these thoughts on my own because I dont think it should be the persons responsibility, but now I worry that if I dont tell them, I am withholding information and tricking them and that I am bad for it. ive been preoccupied with it and whenever i think about it it makes me feel physically ill. I want to be honest and transparent with them, but I also want them to feel safe, and I can see these thoughts making them feel unsafe. If anyone has any advice it would be appreciated. (Preferably input from people of color willing to discuss this who feel safe/comfy engaging with me on it)

Has anyone done exposure therapy for sexual intrusive thoughts ? And if so, how did you do it ? Was it a success ? Did the thoughts go down

I believe I have undiagnosed OCD but was wondering if anyone else goes through this struggle. I constantly think of ways my loved ones might die. Whether that be from an event happening or a situation I am in with them and I am afraid to leave them in fear that they will die and I will be left alone. For example, I could be indoors with my family and they all go outside without me. I immediately imagine a tornado coming up, knocking over a tree and killing my family with me left to survive. Or I think of certain scenarios where a disease (especially with Covid-19 going around) could infect a loved one and my mind creates vivid images of how they could die of the disease. Does anyone else experience this? How do you cope?

Help please someone help, I’m so scared. I’m having fears of being lithosexuak and I really don’t want it to be true. I’m scared that I feel sexually attracted to guys but lose that attraction when reciprocated or don’t want reciprocating. I’m freaking out. Please help please please please

Does anyone elses OCD involve religion? I'm a Christian, but I feel my OCD is causing me to stay away from my church and religious practice

Does anyone elses OCD focus on ethical issues? And morals?

It struck me today that while I've been getting to know all of you, you haven't had the chance to get to know me as much. It's important to me that relationships go both directions. So here's your opportunity. Any questions about me, my OCD, my recovery, etc. are all welcome.

My brain really said “intrusive thoughts” tonight ??

Can someone please talk with me I'm spiraling

I’m starting to feel this whole ocd thing is made up, it just never seems to go away

Does anyone feel extreme OCD guilt for going out during this virus? I can’t get the guilt out of my head. I have been practicing social distancing and only going out when I need to now for the last week. I just keep thinking when I went to a store that wasn’t necessary what if I passed this virus to someone?

I just had an intrusive thought and it felt real, but I wasn't having anxiety at all. Does that mean that it is actually real? I heard that ocd feels real due to anxiety, but I had no anxiety this time and it still felt real. Is it real then? I'm freaking out

I feel like when I have a break from my obsessions, which is great but too short lately, when something triggers me, I don't freak out, I breath and try to accept (and not ruminate or check out test or reassure), but then it's like I have OCD goggles on after that. Everything seems to remind me of my obsessions, I've seen it called selective abstraction. I'm thinking this is where I need to refocus and allow for the uncertainty. Just wondering if anyone else can relate.

Also: was trying to help my friend with rocd, and he kept saying but mine could really happen, we could break up. And I started to doubt myself with HOCD. I know anything is possible, and I recommended this app to him.

Does anyone have any advice for helping your partner deal with your ocd? Mine is getting frustrated feeling it's stupid and finds intrusive thoughts I try and share hurtful.

I'm struggling today. Everything is an indicator I'm bisexual. Any one who struggles with hocd have you done anything that helps you when you're struggling?

Ok If anyone could help me cause I try to limit posing questions and this might be my last one, I really need help right now ... We all do. But please, I’m desperate to understand me. If you guys have time to me read my story, I pray for you and for all of us.. When I was a kid, in kindergarten, I remember my first crushes to be girls but then it disappeared. I started being a little gay kid stereotype playing with dolls, being quite feminine and earlier starting masturbating and watching muscular men since I was and no joke I think 7-8 years old. And I think this is somehow connected to the behavior of my abusive father who beated me and my mom. So yeah till age of 15 I watched gay porn and enjoyed it, I was finding like that protection there. At 15 high school started and I get to talk to this guy who was gay. What felt like a crush at first it was the worst anxiety, depression period ever. I was very skinny, didn’t eat all. Almost no friends. So somehow, something wasn’t right. So it all ended after starting going to a psychiatrist. Spring came. Something changed. I DON’T KNOW WHAT BUT. I started working out. I started being more happy. And I started noticing girls As my past actions seemed more and more not me and disgusting. Turning 16 it was like I was another person, another goals, I was more confident.. I starting having crushes, I was finding girls attractive sexually emotionally, as the gayness of the past evaporated. Till December 2019 when something was born in me. The past memories started coming in my head. I was getting images who make me anxious, disgusted. Feeling gronial arousals started makes me scream. This can’t be. It likes a ghost of the past comes. When I think of a girl I get a warm sensation in my soul and in my area, but the hocd thoughts are just like knives in my chest. Let’s say If I see a photo of a dominant, build up man I panic as hell and get this tiggling weird gronial. I calm myself as I say « I’m equal to you, You’re not superior to me, I am masculine as well » Guys, I know I can’t be with a man I’m disgusted thinking about kissing or doing stuff but I’m haunted by my worst enemy: ME Please, If you read all of this. Write something in the comments. God bless you. I need help. I need to understand. I pray for all of us. We all have problems but I’m sure we all will get over them. Stay healthy and safe!

Hello Everyone, So I have been struggling with severe anxiety in regards to my relationship for months now....it started with intrusive thoughts about whether or not I found him attractive and then his personality....however now I find myself feeling so numb to him and unable to see anything but negative things which brings me to wonder if I’m forcing my relationship even though he is the best guy I have ever known.....I know I routinely struggle with giving into compulsions however it feels so real right now and in the last few days I’ve freaked out and almost ended things three times......I really want to stay with my partner but I’m scared I shouldn’t even though I want to so bad......I love him and I don’t know how I let myself get to this point....it is mostly all I think about and I just want to be happy......I really need some advice as to whether or not this is relationship anxiety or not.....