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the NOCD Community

I’ll be honest. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need professional help and no where I find that handles OCD takes insurance. I called an ocd place in my state and they don’t take insurance, they recommended NOCD to me. Which I replied oh I’ve already been using NOCD. I am so tired of my POCD. I ended up doing some “things” today but then all these disgusting vile intrusive thoughts flooded into my brain and it was visual as all hell because my brain is too visual. It’s literally a curse at this point. Thoughts included friends and family and even I’m sure you can guess it I say POCD thoughts were included in the friends and family section. Which makes me feel like I’m a vile evil person who’s lying to everyone they know. I ended up scratching my face a bunch when the thoughts came because I was SO disgusted. And all day I’ve felt sick and just have been excessively blinking over and over, squeezing my eyes shut. I have been GAGGING in DISGUST every time a thought popped into my head today. What is WRONG with me? I don’t know anymore. My OCD is just taking such a toll on me and I’ve been terrible with taking my meds. I need professional help from someone who knows what the hell ocd is. And no one in my state takes insurance. I don’t have that kind of money. Idk. I am so Tired. All I’ve Been able to do all day is play animal crossing and sleep.

What does it mean when people say “you don’t have to do something to get love?” Surely you do have to? How else do you get people to love you? I don’t understand. Maybe love just doesn’t exist? Or if it does, it’s not for a long time? Unless it’s from your mother in which case it is lifelong

I feel so bad I have the horrible intrusive thought with my cat and I feel like I like it with every single part of my body and I let the thought, because I'm trying that but that happend so I couldn't

When I listen to success stories and podcasts of people saying they manage it better I don’t know why my mind says “you could never do that” “your ocd is worse and different” “you are stuck like this” so I try to listen to podcasts of people overcoming their worst fears and it makes me sad and anxious but I feel like it could be erp?

Does anyone else ever want to go to a mental hospital for a while to feel safe and get this all sorted out?

I am so physically and mentally drained. My thoughts went from HOCD to trying to convince me I cheated on my bf without me realizing it. And I am trying to replay actions in my head of what happened 5 months ago because I want to make sure I didn’t do anything wrong (and every time I don’t find anything wrong I did my mind says “well what if you just don’t remember, maybe you did do something”). And then every time I am with my bf I get the thought “imagine that, you hurt him and you are not going to even let him know” or “you don’t even deserve him” or “you are such a hypocrite and you are just being nice because you know you messed up” when in reality I really did not do anything but that doesn’t seem to be enough for me. What do I do?? My biggest fear has always been to lose my boyfriend and it being my fault so my OCD themes always seem to attack what is most valuable to me and I’m sick and tired of it. I feel like every time a theme appears it’s like I am keeping the biggest secret from my bf when in reality I am just dwelling on things over and over again. And I know if I tell him about this it’s going to sound illogical because it’s not based on facts but on fears that don’t even make sense... but what if they do?? You know so there’s so many what if’s involved from the past and the future. I don’t know what to do

Who’s relationships are suffering from lockdown? My bf implies it’s only us and makes it feel like it’s my fault a bit

Does anyone else with real event ocd find it pops up every few months and gets worse, then better? Like for me I'd try to repress it so I wouldn't feel anything about the subject, then months later BAM I feel such intense guilt and disgust with myself that I'm back to square one. I just wish I knew how to move on from this feeling and experience, but how can I, when I feel like a monster over something I'd done 8 years ago? Will I ever move on?

I don’t know what to do about my living situation during covid19 I planned on officially moving in with my partner but haven’t given up my flat (which I’m secretly relieved about) Since living with him though and being in lockdown with him he’s been quite verbally abusive (I think? I’m not sure if it’s fair to call it that?)when he’s drunk and now I’m not sure what to do If I say I’m not ready to give up my flat after all he will be really upset and tell me it’s over completely

Is it possible for ocd to “ completely go away “

I hate FALSE FEELINGS!!!

Hi everyone. I know you all have your problems, but please don’t take my ask for help as a selfish act. I’m oppening myself just because some months ago OCD reached to a level that I’m just unable to do anything productive in my life. I’m from Brazil and have been diagnosed when I was 12 (39 today), and since then I’ve tried all known in the market with almost no sucess. My OCD mainly consists in 24/7 intrusive toughts, 99% of those are related to my family health and safety (absolutely not related with COVID-19). Today I’m struggling to keep my job, ‘cause I cannot produce 30% of what I did three years ago, cannot study or even properly take care of my child without assistance. And this is because I developed an insane list of acts to nonsensely “cancell“ those toughts and prevent them from happening, like I had the most ridiculous super power. Well, now that I’ve introduced myself (lol), I’ll ask some advice: 1- have anyone ever heard/read about therapy by e-mail? (because I just cannot open myself face to face to anyone); 2- have anyone tried and had any sucess with cannabidiol?; 3- have anyone had sucess with meditation and would recommend any technic? Thanks for the space and for the patience.

Certainty just does not exist, it's a fantasy feeling. Needing certainty answers to your obsessions is just an OCD's wish. Don't give in to it. Embrace the unknown. Focus on the what-is, leave the what-if for what it is.

It’s an actual joke how in the UK private therapy is really the only successful route for treating OCD but it costs so much, even if there is a chance you can get treated on the NHS you could be waiting for months and have to go through the stress of therapists who don’t know what they’re doing. So then you’re left with the reality that this is your life now and you just have to cope with OCD.

Hey, these past few months I've been obsessing about hairloss. I'm 19 and my dad got alopecia when he was about 30. I'm getting better because of medication, but constantly research hairloss and ask online if I'm going bald. I'm constantly checking in the mirror and looking at other people hair to compare. More recently I've been really stressed about my brothers hairloss who is 16, I will look at his crown and it looks like he's thinning. If he starts to go bald I feel like I'll just be depressed for him, especially when I'm not thinning from the crown.

When will it end? I wake up in the morning and my OCD feels so real. It’s hard because I know it’s Ocd because my obsessions rotate but I’ve been stuck with sexual orientation OCD for a few months and I can’t shake it. I’m working with a therapist but it’s to the point now where I don’t have as much fear to the thoughts but they are still intrusive and very real but since there’s no fear due to my progress in ERP, it feels like it might be true but I know it’s not.

i’m so scared that their is someone straight person right now going through HOCD and they have no idea whats happening. it just reminds me of where i was before i found it what i was going through. i wanted to kill myself: i couldn’t hang out with my friends nor could i look them in the eye i felt bad when i didn’t find every single guy attractive - even if they were butt ugly i got false attractions to one of my old ass teachers who wasn’t even pretty i missed school for two weeks cus i couldn’t bear to look at people i unfollowed so many girls on instagram so my explore page was filled with boys which i didn’t like cus i’m not that boy crazy- my HOCD told me that it’s cus i don’t actually like boys i couldn’t watch the porn that i wanted cus my mind would constantly ruminate i couldn’t get a job cus i was scared they’d be girls at that job and i’d end up liking her i couldn’t hug my best friend cus i kept getting intrusive thoughts about being romantic with her i made myself feel bad for not liking every boy i came in contact with LIKE WTF i’ve been through hell with this and it’s so bad cus i’ve always been really comfortable in my sexuality (i’m straight) i could flirt with my girl friends as banter, people would call me gay and i wouldn’t die lol sometimes id be laying in my bed and i’d get this overwhelming urge to just go have sex with a girl and i really REALLY DONT WANT TO NOOOOOO but my minds like “all the gays on twitter say lesbian sex is amazing so you’d love it blah blah blah the HOCD targets the fact that i’m a virgin and i’ve never had a boyfriend and the fact that i have a very strict type but that’s just because i think i deserve the best of the best i’m not gonna settle for some dumb boy who has no decency or doesn’t believe people deserve basic human rights it takes the fact that i have always looked at girls boobs but that’s only cus i’m size 32A and i have been since i was like 11 AND IM TURNING 17 NEXT SUNDAY - so sad ? also...SO MANY GIRLS ARE BISEXUAL and i’m here... a girl and i’m straight and i’m freaking out about whether i’m gonna turn bi but i really don’t like girls like that the hocd even tell me that i’m gay because i don’t find my brother attractive. MY BROTHER. MY FUCKING BROTHER. WHAT THE FUCK?? anyways..... i feel bad for all the teens going through this and i really wanna spread awareness on the ocd categories that people don’t take seriously especially HOCD. if you have any ideas please tell me, i wanna help every teen going through this rn if you have any ideas please comment cus i thought i was having and sexual identity crisis but sis wasn’t. if i knew about ocd more then it wouldn’t have manifested into what it is now also am i the only one who absolutely loves Chrisse Hodges? she makes me feel so happy and normal

I have battled with ocd (and more recently depression) for most of my life and have kept my struggle to myself for the most part. In all these years, outside of an ocd therapy group, I have only told my current partner and one friend who also has mental illness struggles. Sometimes it feels like a dirty secret, especially when family wonder why I've been unemployed so long. Sometimes I fear I would be looked down upon or seen as attention seeking by others. How have you coped with this? Are you open about it? Did it help?

The workings of a mind during an episode of something I don’t even know. Writing it down helps just to stop from thinking so many things at once. Writing in a flow of thoughts but not focusing on something helps keep things together. No one cares. That’s my problem. It’s not like they don’t want to care, it’s just that no one can care as deeply about me as I need them to because they are to busy caring about themselves. That’s the worst part about this. I can’t ask someone to help me in the ways that I want to be helped because that wouldn’t be fair to them. But what I understand is not helping me to feel better. I want to feel strong enough to Handle this alone, but it hurts so bad sometimes I just want to give in. I feel like I’m stuck in a prison, doomed to always scare everyone away with my unnecessary craziness & irrational expectations. My sadness is something that will drive all of the ones I hold so dear so far away. They don’t know what to do to help me & it gets too tiring after a while to keep up with. The constant argument within my head about what I know is right and my understanding of my problems with the deep emotional actions I want to take is exhausting & so much harder than giving into the emotion. The worst part is the hate I have for all of it. I hate how I talk so much and have to share every little detail of every situation in order to feel right. I hate the constant diagnoses that go on in my head. I hate the definitions of OCD, ADHD, anxiety and depression that seem to run my life. I hate that I love every minute of my constant organizing to the point of being pointless. I hate that I can’t calm myself down when one small plan changes & my emotional response is so much greater than is warranted. I hate that I feel like I can never truly be loved by anyone other than myself. I hate that my expectations of myself and others are so high. I wish I could just forget to care about things. I wish I could allow another to be in charge every once in a while. I hate the guilt I feel after declining to take on another responsibility, or the guilt that comes with telling someone I need a break. I hate how I can’t ever seem to stop doing the things I say I’m not going to do. I hate how I need everything to slow down so much to the point where I feel like I’m lazy. I wish I could just explain all that’s in my head to another person, but again they could never care as much as I want them to care. But why do I care. I feel like things are so meaningful but so pointless. Im stuck in the middle of my desires and my feelings. Emotion is my greatest asset and my greatest weakness. I wonder what am I really doing? Why do I care about the future, but feel like I can only deal with the moment. Why do I despise that others can never know what I really feel, but never want to tell them. I hate myself but love myself so deeply that it becomes confusing. Where is my mind? Where is my mind?

*trigger warning: trauma & sex* I am a woman currently dating a man. We have been in a loving relationship for almost three years. About a year ago I came out as bisexual, and now my OCD thoughts are running wild. I consistently worry to no end that I am actually a lesbian. I was in an abusive relationship several years ago, which has really affected my life. It’s really hard for me not to get triggered during sex. Then my OCD tells me that I panic because I don’t like men and that I’m a lesbian, not that I am having a normal trauma response. This is the first time I’ve really typed it out, but it’s just so hard for me to reassure myself when I get so deep into my OCD thoughts. I can’t separate my obsessions from my own thoughts and feelings. I am attracted to women... because I’m bisexual, but my OCD can’t stop from telling me otherwise. Any advice from someone that has experienced something similar would be appreciated.