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Sucks when ocd and trauma leaks into your dreams. I had a bunch of weird nightmares and such the last day. And I’ve mainly slept all day and most of the night (it’s 1 am now I just woke up again) different nightmares about my dog that passed away, his cancer, and then one nightmare dealt with my fear of sharp objects in the body and holes in the body.. and then one dealt with my sexual intrusive thoughts and family which made me feel gross. I’m always having nightmares and have been more than not for years. Dunno why I’m not used to them by now. And I’m still anxious because of guilt so I’m just kinda like lying here wanting to isolate myself from everyone and trying not to. I’ve been feeling guilt for 3 days now like... I said last year I almost said I was 17 to do a reading program (I just wanted to do a reading program I miss childhood a lot) and my friend said something but later apologized but it set me off. Funny thing is I didn’t think about it at all until the other day. Not once has it been on my brain until the other day. Now I’m obsessing about it like crazy. I don’t get it. Ughhh i don’t mean harm and didn’t mean harm. Most of last year I was obsessed with my health and my fear of dying and then my best friend leaving me. So not once did that cross my mind at ALL. I completely forgot about it and now it won’t leave me alone.

It’s hard to be a Therapist when your own OCD is at a 10. That’s what I was dealing with for the past month. I had to fight through my desire/obsession to hospitalize myself to get stable and do everything I could to work on things myself. Hospitals are not a great place to be right now. I got the mental health support and medication adjustment I needed as well as so much support from family and friends. I’m so grateful! I was really in a bad place. And it was hard as hell for several weeks. I felt trapped, helpless, and terrified. But I’m doing so much better now and I’m back to being the Therapist I need to be for the people I serve. OCD doesn’t define me, it just makes me a stronger and more effective Therapist and advocate to End The Stigma!!

I began struggling with pocd about 3 months ago. I’m the mom of two boys ages 3 and 7. Soon after that theme started for me, I discovered I was pregnant which was a surprise. At some point I latched on the the “what if I acted on my pocd fears and that is how this pregnancy came to be.” This led to me exerting all my energy to figure out if that was true, checking my memories ect. I began feeling like I had a “memory” even though that memory is very vague and details of it sometimes change when I try to recall it. Anyway, I’m struggling a great deal by now thinking I’ve acted on my pocd fears and now I’m carrying a child of incest. I get thoughts such as “what if I was half asleep?” Ect. And maybe that’s why I can’t remember it clearly. I’ve even gotten to the point of contemplating terminating this pregnancy because I just don’t know how to make it through with these thoughts. I feel like I will have the baby and something will be majorly wrong with it. Eventually tests will be run ect and all of my fears will turn out to be true. Then I will be separated from everyone and everything that I love and have to live out the rest of my life in a prison cell.

Idk who needs to hear this but ERP always works. I've tried everything. I've tried thinking my way out of it. I've tried doing good acts of kindness to make myself feel less guilty about my obsessions. I've tried relying on meds to solve the problem. I've tried reasoning with OCD so it gets itsway and I have my way. It doesn't work. You can't reason with OCD, you just have to look at it in the eye and say, "Fuck you, fine. I'm (blank). My life is going to be ruined and everyone I love will hate me or die. That's just how it is I guess". It will put up a hell of a fight, but it will slowly wither away. Please do it if you haven't tried it!

Used to think my having HOCD was some magic guarantee that my fear of being not straight couldn’t be true or ever come true; obviously now I see that was a dangerous compulsion but it’s extremely hard seeing examples of people with HOCD recovering and then discovering/accepting they are actually bi or gay. That’s the biggest fear that I think keeps me from properly throwing myself into recovery because I feel like my anxiety is proof of my sexuality or something.

Hocd apparently there is Core fear everyone has in the there belief system has any therapists spoke to anyone about this

At this point i’m using that app as a place to vent so this is gonna be long sorry. I feel like anytime someone makes a sound like a grunt or a moan or their tone of voice or anything of that nature my mind automatically sexualizes it even if it wasn’t in a sexual nature. And this is hard for me because those are noises people just make on a daily basis like if they’re picking something up or if they just woke up and now it’s become a thing where automatically if i hear it i’ll get a groinal response or like a twitch or something and it’s even worse for me since now i’m always home so those reactions are from hearing my mom or my sister which then makes me feel terrible cause then it’s like i’m attracted to a family member literally just making a fucking sound. For example my mom was all groggy talking on the phone because she just woke up and i heard her and then boom i was triggered. like wtf. And this time i noticed the response that i got was different to other times because usually i know the difference between a groinal response and when i’m genuinely attracted to someone like when i’m talking to a guy but this time it i felt like i responded as if it was someone i was attracted to which took away the security of it just being a groinal response. And this time i kinda just sat there with the thought rather shutting it out right away or panicking so now i feel like the reaction was genuine or that i wanted the thought and feelings to come. And sometimes i feel like things that probably shouldn’t trigger me put me on edge because i’m afraid of the possibility that it could and because i’m trying to fight off the possibility of triggering me it becomes a trigger cause my mind now associates whatever the thing was with panic or discomfort. This is hard because something that i was doing to protect myself from triggers is what causes the trigger. And i feel like it’s harder for me to move past things when it comes to my family members because if it were a friend i could deal with the possibility of being attracted to them and the uncertainty of that, but i can’t deal with the possibility of being attracted to my fucking mom or sister. And when i sit there and allow the thought to pass my mind and i have a response i feel like i just allowed myself or wanted the response to happen otherwise i would’ve fought it off as i normally would. I know i need to not question everything and be okay with the uncertainty of things but i literally feel like i can’t help but obsess over why i do things and why i reacted in a certain way.

I never thought I would say this but this app triggers me so much and brings me a new theme. My OCD themes are usually religious and ROCD but since yesterday, I found a lot of post about HOCD, i began to fear that what if this will be my next theme/problem. And then this morning when I woke up, I felt so scared that I may be not as straight woman I thought I am. This is frightening as I do not want to be gay nor my ocd to morp into something else. OCD really sucks.

I relapsed over watching porn and masturbation, this is not so much ocd related, but it weakens me and my faith, also I start to fear my pocd came back again

Made a comment earlier saying that if it wasn’t for society’s view on my fear I would enjoy it/ already commited it. I also said that I had done some questionable stuff that could/would lead up to me doing my fear. Most of which if I told people, they would be like “uh, wtf? seems like you are into that.” Katie replied and said “Maybe you would, you never know”. I 100% understand that this is supposed to make me deal with the uncertainty & overcome the anxiety. But i’ve been crying over that for a couple hours now. I don’t want to be that disgusting person. And because I have real-event OCD, it seems to me I already was that disgusting person. I just never went to far into my fear. It’s excruciatingly painful to think about. At one point I thought that certain stuff was okay. I was a kid, but still, I thought it was okay. Meaning, if it wasn’t for me maturing, I would’ve done that stuff, if it wasn’t for society, I would be that horrible person. I cant live knowing this.

I have a headache and I’m scared ?

i hate when i test myself thinking that i’ll be able to control my response or just to see how i would react to something but then end up with the complete opposite of the response i wanted and then begin to stress about why i reacted that certain way even though i did because it’s literally a trigger. but then i feel like i did it to myself or that i wanted it because i purposefully thought of it. it’s a terrible cycle.

I rly truly feel alone. I see everyone else’s posts on this app get multiple likes but then mine always seems skipped over and it makes me wonder if everyone else must think I’m messed up too. And I’m panicking all over again. I’m really tired and my pocd is constantly triggered. I’m just tired of it.

So my bf and I have been calling every single night for like a few hours (1-2) for the last two months and tonight we couldn’t and it was kind of nice to take a break from the phone calls....How do I handle these thoughts can anyone relate? How do I handle feeling guilty?

Hi my name is Christine, My OCD obsessions are based around fear of doing something wrong and going to jail even know I have no history of ever doing anything wrong , mmost of my obsessions are value based and fear of punishment, no one will understand its my OCD and not me. I have had OCD for 30 years. Have tried and continue with outpatient therapy, Finished with 36 treatments of TMS . CBT, ERP, and unfortunately have Seratonin syndrome and cannot take SSRI'S, I continue treatment 2 times a week and after 30 years will be quitting my job as an RN as OCD has and continues to take a toll on me. Thank you for letting me join and blessings to those who suffer like me.

Im just so sad it feels like I truly like my fear. Im trying not to check or respond but it is so so hard. I know what I want and it isn't that but if I feel it it must mean it is true.

I get this thought that tells me “how are you going to tell your future wife that you have ocd? And these are the intrusive thoughts? Jesus man no one will love you”

I didn’t mean to delete my post ugh. Basically I’m panicking because I’m 23 and because of trauma I age regress. Basically I just really miss being a kid. I miss being treated like a kid. I miss getting to do kid things and not be seen as weird or be like “oh you’re an adult so I’ll treat you differently” and stuff. Basically I was making something and talking to my friend and the subject was brought up because of it and I said “I almost said I was 17 last year to do a reading program” because you couldn’t be over 18 to do it. I obviously didn’t do it but like Idk. He was like “that’s getting into creepy territory” and I started panicking the fuck out. He said chill and said he knows I didn’t mean it like that but I legit feel so much panic now and it won’t go away and I want to just cry? I think about everything I used to say to my ex best friend bc I used to tell her everything and when ever I told her this stuff she used to tell me I wasn’t creepy and stuff but like I don’t know. I feel really sick now and it’s like every morning something seems to upset me and puts my on hard core edge and I’m always alone when it happens. I really really hate it. I’m scared because I’m so obsessed with wanting to be a kid again that it makes me some creepy p word. When I ain’t even attracted to kids and I’d never wanna hurt a kid. I just want to be a kid again and be treated like one. And just not have to worry about adult stuff like at ALL. My friend knows I regress so when he said that it just set me off so bad. I don’t know. I just hate how I’m always alone in the morning when this always happens. I’ll just panic and feel sick. Or I’ll be upset and depressed. And everyone would have already gone to bed. I just wanna disappear now and i think of any of my other friends heard any of my feelings they’d probably be creeped out and I’m just panicking. I don’t know what to do and I’m depressed and panicking and honestly I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired of everything and my life is going down the drain anyways. As an adult life just sucks and everyone leaves you. My dog died the other day and everyone always just leaves me through death. Grandma, other dog two years ago, my dog the other day... and then my mom has Alzheimer’s, and I’m not emotionally connected to my dad so I feel so fuckint alone. My ex best friend left me last year. Legit just wanna go back in time and be a kid again like I don’t know.

Hey everyone. I spent 3 months at McLean’s OCD Institute. During that time, I learned about different forms of OCD, coping mechanisms, Exposure and Response Prevention and much more. Not many people are fortunate enough to have received treatment at McLean so I wrote an article discussing what I learned there. I hope you find it helpful! https://medium.com/@archie4321/i-spent-3-months-at-the-ocd-institute-heres-what-i-learned-85f47f559c83?source=friends_link&sk=19057f76d5ce290a67f218247130ad24

Has anyone had experience with needing to be very "demanding" with their prescriber? Sort of a long story, but here's the context. As a young adult (18-20) I dealt with (mostly circumstantial) depression. I was bounced around by university doctors, a pcp, and then to an actual psychiatric prescriber. I tried several SSRIs (including prozaprozac, Lexapro, celexa) and wellbutrin. Nothing helped and most were activating and I had suicidal ideation. I eventually landed on lamictal and ativan (which I never took, too scared of benzos). I went off at 20, and didnt look back. Things were great till 2 years ago when my brother passed. My OCD came out in full force (cant touch the ground with anything other than my feet, cant hug or touch people, etc). Added the med route to my counseling a little over a year ago. She listened to my past history and we started with lamictal. General mood improvement, but no ocd improvement. Then she added low dose abilify. OCD very very slightly improved for 3 weeks, then went back to normal. She tossed out the idea or Orap and I said no because of limited evidence with OCD and side effects risk. As of right now, her plan is to keep increasing the abilify and hope those initial results come back. I have asked to try luvox or anafranil but she is hesitant because of my past with SSRIs. However I never tried them with modifiers like abilify or lamictal and I also was very young, on birth control (which really changes my mental health state), and hadnt had a child. Also, OCD was not the concern then. I was very anti medication when we started but things are SO bad that I am willing to try anything. She is aware of this. I had my counselor talk to her and now she is coming around to luvox, but only after we try the increases in abilify and even then she is still hesitant. Has anyone experienced anything like this with their provider, or dealt with similar struggles in finding a good med combo? Also, any stories of experiences with luvox would be great! Tl;dr- provider is set on one med path that isnt getting good enough results, without considering other factors.