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Just remembered another real event that happened!! I hate it!! :) when I was about 11 I let a dog lick my genitals?? I feel so disgusting what the fuck is wrong with me...

This article helped, to learn about hocd: OCD, as we know, is largely about experiencing severe and unrelenting doubt. It can cause you to doubt even the most basic things about yourself - even your sexual orientation. A 1998 study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that among a group of 171 college students, 84% reported the occurrence of sexual intrusive thoughts (Byers, et al. 1998). In order to have doubts about one's sexual identity, a sufferer need not ever have had a homo- or heterosexual experience, or any type of sexual experience at all. I have observed this symptom in young children, adolescents, and adults as well. Interestingly Swedo, et al., 1989, found that approximately 4% of children with OCD experience obsessions concerned with forbidden aggressive or perverse sexual thoughts. Although doubts about one's own sexual identity might seem pretty straightforward as a symptom, there are actually a number of variations. The most obvious form is where a sufferer experiences the thought that they might be of a different sexual orientation than they formerly believed. If the sufferer is heterosexual, then the thought may be that they are homosexual. If on the other hand they happen to be homosexual they may obsess about the possibility that they might really be straight. Going a step beyond this, some sufferers have obsessions that tell them that they may have acted, or will act, on their thoughts. A variation on doubt about sexual identity would be where the obsessive thought has fastened onto the idea that the person simply will never be able to figure out what their sexual orientation actually is. Patients will sometimes relate their belief that "I could deal with whatever my sexuality turns out to be, but my mind just won't let me settle on anything." Some people's doubts are further complicated by having such experiences as hearing other people talking or looking in their direction and thinking that these people must be analyzing their behavior or appearance and talking about them - discussing how they must be gay (or straight). For those with thoughts of being homosexual, part of the distress must surely be social in origin. Let's face it, gay people have always been an oppressed minority within our culture, and to suddenly think of being in this position, and to be stigmatized in this way, can be frightening. People don't generally obsess about things they find positive or pleasurable. I have sometimes wondered if those who experience the most distress from such thoughts as these do so because they were raised with more strongly homophobic or anti-gay attitudes to begin with, or if it is simply because one's sexuality can be such a basic doubt. I suppose this remains a question for research to answer. The older psychoanalytic therapies often make people with this problem feel much worse by saying that the thoughts represent true inner desires. This has never proven to be so. Doubting something so basic about yourself can obviously be quite a torturous business. When I first see people for this problem, they are typically engaged in any number of compulsive activities which may occupy many hours of each day. These can include: Looking at attractive men or women, or pictures of them, or reading sexually oriented literature or pornography (hetero- or homosexual), to see if they are sexually exciting. Imagining themselves in sexual situations and then observing their own reaction to them. Masturbating or having sex repeatedly just for the purpose of checking their own reaction to it. (This may also include visiting prostitutes in more extreme cases). Observing themselves for evidence of "looking," talking, walking, dressing, or gesturing like someone who is either gay or straight. Compulsively reviewing and analyzing past interactions with other men or women to see if they have acted like a gay or straight person. Checking the reactions or conversations of others to determine whether or not they might have noticed them acting inappropriately, or if these people were giving the sufferer strange looks. Reading articles on the internet about how an individual can tell if they are gay or straight to see which group they might be most similar to. Reading stories by people who "came-out" to see if they can find any resemblance to their own experiences. Repeatedly questioning others, or seeking reassurance about their sexuality. Compulsive questioning can frequently take place, and usually involves others who may be close to the sufferer. The questions are never-ending and repetitive. Some of the more typical questions sufferers are likely to ask can include those in the following two groupings: For those who obsess about not knowing what their identity is: How do I know whether I prefer women or men? Maybe I really don't know what I am. Maybe I'll never know what I am. How does anyone tell what sex they really are? How will I ever be able to tell for certain? What will happen if I make the wrong choice and get trapped in a lifestyle that really isn't for me? For those who obsess that they are of the opposite sexual orientation: Do you think I could be gay (or straight)? How can I tell if I'm really gay (or straight)? At what point in their lives do people know what their orientation is? Can you suddenly turn into a homosexual (or heterosexual) even if you have never felt or acted that that way? Did I just act sexually toward you? Do I look (or act) gay (or straight) to you? Did I just touch you? If I get sexual sensations when viewing sexual material of an opposite orientation does it mean I am gay (or straight)? In terms of the last question above, one of the most difficult situations for this group of sufferers is when they experience a sexual reaction to something they feel would be inappropriate. A typical example would be a heterosexual man who experiences an erection while looking at gay erotica. It is important to note that it is extremely common for people to resort to all sorts of fantasy material concerning unusual or forbidden sexual behaviors that they would never actually engage in, but that they do find stimulating. Under the right circumstances, many things can cause sexual arousal in a person. The fact of the matter is that people react sexually to sexual things. I am not just talking about people with OCD here, but about people in general. I cannot count the number of times that patients have related to me that they have experienced sexual feelings and feelings of stimulation when encountering things they felt were taboo or forbidden. This of course then leads them to think that their thoughts must reflect a true inner desire and are a sign that they really are of a different sexual orientation. This reaction is strengthened by the incorrect belief that homosexual cues never stimulate heterosexuals. One further complicating factor in all this is that some obsessive thinkers mistake feelings of anxiety for feelings of sexual arousal. The two are actually physiologically similar in some ways. Things become even more complicated by a number of cognitive (thinking) errors seen in OCD. It is these errors which lead OC sufferers to react anxiously to their thoughts and then to have to perform compulsions to relieve that anxiety. Cognitive OCD theorists believe that obsessions have their origin in the normal unwanted, intrusive thoughts seen in the general population. What separate these everyday intrusions from obsessions seen in OCD are the meanings, or appraisals, that the OCD sufferers attach to the thoughts. As I like to explain to my patients, their problem is not the thoughts themselves, but instead it is what they make of the thoughts, as well as their attempts to relieve their anxiety via compulsions and avoidance. Some typical cognitive errors made by OC sufferers include: I must always have certainty and control in life (intolerance of uncertainty). I must be in control of all my thoughts and emotions at all times. If I lose control of my thoughts, I must do something to regain that control. Thinking the thought means it is important, and it is important because I think about it. It is abnormal to have intrusive thoughts, and if I do have them it means I'm crazy, weird, etc. Having an intrusive thought and doing what it suggests are the same morally. Thinking about doing harm, and not preventing it, is just as bad as committing harm (also known as Thought-Action Fusion). Having intrusive thoughts means I am likely to act on them. I cannot take the risk that my thoughts will come true. The effect of the questioning behavior on friends and family can be rather negative drawing a lot of angry responses or ridicule after the thousandth time. One young man I know questioned his girlfriend so often that she eventually broke up with him and this added to his worries since he now wondered if she did so because he wasn't a "real man." The compulsive activities sufferers perform in response to their ideas, of course, do nothing to settle the issue. Often the more checking and questioning that is done, the more doubtful the sufferer becomes. Even if they feel better for a few minutes as a result of a compulsion, the doubt quickly returns. I like to tell my patients that it is as if that information-gathering portion of their brain is coated with Teflon©. The answers just don't stick. In addition to performing compulsions, one other way in which sufferers cope with the fears caused by the obsessions is through avoidance, and by this I mean directly avoiding everyday situations that get the thoughts going. This can involve: Avoiding standing close to, touching or brushing against members of the same sex (or opposite sex if the sufferer is gay). Not reading or looking at videos news reports books or articles having anything to do with gay people or other sexual subjects. Never saying the words "gay," "homosexual," (or "straight") or any other related term. Trying to not look or act effeminately (if a man), or in a masculine way (if a woman), (or vice versa if the sufferer is gay). Not dressing in ways that would make one look effeminate (if a man), or masculine (if a woman), (again vice versa if the sufferer is gay). Not talking about sexual identity issues or subjects with others. Avoiding associating with anyone who may be gay or who seems to lean in that direction (if the sufferer is heterosexual). Needless to say, it is crucial for all OCD sufferers to understand that there is no avoiding what they fear. Facing what you fear is a way of getting closer to the truth. The purpose of compulsions is of course to undo, cancel out, or neutralize the anxiety caused by obsessions. They may actually work in the short run, but their benefits are only temporary. OC sufferers cannot process the information they provide and it just doesn't stick. It is sort of like having only half of the Velcro. Also it is important to understand that compulsions are paradoxical - that is they bring about the opposite of what they are intended to accomplish. That is to help the sufferer to be free of anxiety and obsessive thoughts. I like to tell my patients that: "Compulsions start out as a solution to the problem of having obsessions, but soon become the problem itself." What compulsions do accomplish is to cause the sufferer to become behaviorally addicted to performing them. Even the little bit of relief they get is enough to get this dependency going. Compulsions only lead to more compulsions and avoidance only leads to more avoidance. This is really only natural for people to do. It is instinctive to try to escape or avoid that which makes you anxious. Unfortunately, this is of no help in OCD. Another problem that arises from performing compulsions is that those who keep checking their own reactions to members of the opposite or same sex will inevitably create a paradox for themselves. They become so nervous about what they may see in themselves that they don't feel very excited, and then think that this must mean they have the wrong preference. When they are around members of their own sex they also become anxious, which leads to further stress and of course more doubts about themselves. The flip side of this is when they look at things having to do with sex of an opposite orientation and then feel aroused in some way, which they then conclude to mean that they liked it, which means that they are gay (or straight). This is the mistake I referred toarlier when I stated that people react sexually to sexual things

Need information. I have reassured myself for the past year that I wont kill myself since I have Suicide ocd. I did research that Ocd is ego dystonic, and ppl with ocd never commit their worst fear. And ocd attacks what you love, so obviously since i have suicide ocd, i love myself and life. And I do. Dying is my worst fear. Thus the suicide ocd. But since reassurance halts ocd recovery, I am trying to disprove the research i read so my reassurance doesn't work anymore, so I can recover. I say that "Suicide ocd doesn't prevent suicide" for an E.R.P exercise, but my mind keeps reassuring me that it does, because of the research I read. I need helo trying to disprove my reassurance so I can fully recover! Does Pocd prevent pedophelia acts? Does Harm Ocd prevent harm acts? And does Socd prevent homosexual acts?

Potential HOCD trigger / Sexual Orientation OCD trigger I’m so confused about my sexuality. But I don’t think I’m quite so anxious as those with HOCD because it’s clear to me that they’re obviously straight. Every single post I read about it I know is just OCD. Whereas for me, I genuinely don’t know what my sexuality is. I’ve always thought of myself as straight and I’ve liked boys. And in terms of sex, I’ve always imagined it with a guy. Even with porn (sorry, maybe TMI) I prefer guy and girl sex as opposed to lesbian sex. I imagine myself marring a man. I imagine myself being in a relationship with a man. But I do find women sexually attractive. I just don’t wanna have sex with them? I think. I’ve never had a crush on a girl. But that being said, there was this one character in a tv show that I feel like I did. I don’t know. I kinda didn’t want to though. It’s just weird. I know I like guys (I think / hope) and truthfully I don’t want to NOT be straight. Coming out just seems so difficult. Plus I don’t necessarily know if I’m bi or not. I’m also a little worried I’m just repressing any sort of feelings I could have towards women out of fear. Hfhfhxjdhdhdh I don’t even know.

Does anyone have this thing like when you said something mean to someone and you think they went a killed themselves or that they became sucidal

I've been sober 3.5 years now. Before then I was unkind and hurt a lot of people based on personal attacks because I was very hurt. I remember sending a guy a racially insensitive text message and have been obsessing over that the past few days. A girl I dated accused me of giving her herpes and the results came back negative but I still obsess that I have it and have given it to other people although there is no evidence of that. These thoughts are extremely distressing. Anybody else going through something similar?

Anyone else feel like a criminal with their real event ocd :( if my event is reportable I'll really feel like I need to be locked up

What's some of your plans for today? I want to do mobility stretches and maybe I can practise my flute.. Even though I'm having quite a down day so far, feeling discouraged by wanting my OCD to be gone by now. ?

This isn't explicitly OCD related, but my OCD sure makes the experience way worse. Has anyone experienced ghosting before? By friends, a potential partner, your partner? Or has anyone been the one doing this to others? It has happened to me several times and it makes my head spin with self-doubt, questioning my actions, checking if there was anything I should have done differently. It's soo hard letting go if everything seems perfectly fine and the next day you cease to exist for that person. I just cannot understand it at all. I'd appreciate if you could share your thoughts and experience on that topic.

I just took a cloth to remove some fingerprints off my TV. I then got the thought "You need to rub soap on your TV screen and leave it." I don't know where this thought came from. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to just leave it alone or actually rub soap on my TV.

Is ocd suposed be so unbairable u get suicidal ideation do the thoughts go away or u just learn too deal with them I keep hearing ocd is mangble but how it’s misery?

Sorry in advance for the long vent... So I’m literally sitting in the bed crying right now because I don’t know what I believe anymore. Like I’ve just been here thinking about how when I was in the 6th grade I kept having intrusive thoughts about being gay and like I knew I liked girls, I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. But I was pretty much in denial the entire time because years later I came out to myself as bi, which was like the hardest thing to do. And about a year after that I came out to myself as gay, which was like the easiest thing for me to do. I was SO HAPPY, like I had this feeling that I was finally on the path to finding myself. A few months later the thoughts came back only this time about being bi. I knew I didn’t like guys and because of this the thoughts got worse, and now after months of suffering I keep fearing that I’m in denial like I was before. I keep telling myself that I’m gay because that’s what I believed, but now I don’t know what to believe anymore. I know these are symptoms of hocd, but what if I’m in denial and afraid to accept it. I’m literally in bed right now crying and trembling because I don’t know what to do or what to believe. Every time I do research about it people always seem to say things like “if you have been what you identify as for years, no thoughts gonna change that”. But when I think about that it makes me question things because I came out as gay about 3 or 4 months before the thoughts came back. Like what if this is just further proof that I am bi. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to find a therapist, but obviously one of their specialties has to be OCD, otherwise they’re just gonna tell me that I’m in denial because they won’t know how to handle the situation. But there are no OCD therapists where I live or any decent therapists that specialize in OCD. And even if I found one how would I get there? I’m tired of fighting. Am I even supposed to be fighting, or am I supposed to just give in to the thoughts?? I’m literally on the verge of giving up. Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me??

I don’t know if this is a religious OCD thing or not, but sometimes when I’m really having a bad day (today ain’t great) I’ll start scrambling to search for an external source that is causing me such distress, like if I have something pagan or not of God among my stuff, then think that’s probably the reason why I’m being tormenting and that those objects are bringing a demon to hurt me. For example, when my OCD onset first started (suicidal OCD) I literally went on a rampage through my room throwing out anything I thought might have been upsetting to God. I threw out my copy of the Witcher 3 (my absolute favorite video game), I threw out socks my cousin gave me for Christmas because they were Harry Potter theme, I threw out my Gorillaz t-shirts (because one of the characters is supposed to be a satanist even tho he’s literally a cartoon and it’s not ever mentioned besides his character description), and so on. After I figured out it was OCD I was upset I threw my things out. But sometimes it comes back full swing. For example I recently bought a poster from an artist who did a drawing of a character from this anime called Demon Slayer (really great show!) and now that I’ve been having some harder days this last week my mind is telling me that it’s the poster causing me to become worse (because the character was a human who became a demon/vampire thing). I really don’t want to throw it away because I know that’s not causing this and it’s a beautiful picture from a show I love, but it’s causing me fear saying how I’m allowing myself to be tortured because I own things like that. Anyone else experience something like that? Do I leave my stuff up?

Has anyone else felt they couldn't share something with their therapist in fear of getting in trouble? Have you told them, and if so, how did it go? I'm dealing with this at the moment, and it's very difficult. Hearing others stories might help me.

I want to start doing ERP but I really don’t feel comfortable talking about the real event which my ocd focuses on. Would ERP be ineffective if my therapist didn’t know the full story? I’m not really sure how that would work.

I just read an experience from an "HOCD sufferer" on google who at the end he discovered he is bisexual and now i'm in a panic attack ???

Today has been one of the biggest battles with suicidal OCD for me. I spent the entire day in bed frightened that I really want to do what my thoughts are telling me to do. There has been a very strong urge and I haven’t been able to distract myself or do anything to calm me down. I can’t stop thinking what I could have done wrong to deserve this. I really want to get better, I want to want life and to exist. Why are my thoughts and feelings attacking me making me think otherwise? Why can’t I get better? The pain is unbearable and the urge is frightening me.

Honestly I don't want to discourage anyone but contemplating that OCD is described as highly treatable I am missing at least some success stories here.

Im so lost, So confused about who i am I sit there and watch videos on YouTube, gay tests, It just doesn’t resonate with me, but i look at my childhood or try to at least and cant find relief, and just want to know already, I feel like when i was a kid (8-13) that if i thought someone was good looking that was an indicator and I’m losing my mind, i can’t smile, I’ve been in bed all day, like i feel Im in an other reality, anybody want to talk? I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, i just want the thoughts to stop so i Can enjoy my life

how do i get past something i did and forgive myself? everyone tells me that it’s fine and not bad at all but i still don’t forgive myself