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HOCD feels to real and I don’t feel like myself , I feel like I’ve turned bisexual and I wanna die

Can I post how I feel on hear to get advice about what’s going on in my head ?

I talked to my therapist today, and she mentioned how my compulsion was to obsess over certain things, because if i dont obsess over them then they'll come true etc. I never thought about it that way. She hasn't recommended doing any exposure for my obsessions yet which I find interesting cause she does do erp, so I'm curious as to where she's going with all this. She's helped me a lot so far, so I trust her. Should I be worried though?

How can I do ERP with real event OCD? I feel like it doesn't work to say "it could happen" because it already happened! Any suggestions?

I saw something on here about internalised homophobia yesterday and I had no idea what it was really so i looked it up and it really triggered me. Because now i just think what if it’s that instead of HOCD. But i just don’t want to be gay or do anything gay the thoughts and everything literally make me feel sick and like it constantly looking up everything all the time like I tick every box for HOCD and I never had questioned my sexuality before and I had been in love with a boy for 2 years but I’m always like. what if i wasn’t actually. i know where it all started it was when me and my boyfriend had an argument and I just thought lol like what if i was gay and then ever since then i’ve been freaking out like why would i think that and it just makes me so anxious and literally keeps me up at night trying to work out if i’m gay or not. I’ve lost all “attraction” for boys but sometimes it comes back which makes me happy but i also have no attraction or desire for girls but then my brain is just like what if you’re just lying to yourself and in denial. Like i’ve test myself all the time - like sometimes i don’t even feel anxious it just happens but it makes me so distressed and i just want it all to stop and go away. I’ve started therapy for anxiety disorder but we haven’t even got onto the hocd or brfb yet my life ha just been so fucked up ...

How does acceptance work for the more tricky themes? Especially relating to violence, pedophilia etc. The concept of unconditional acceptance is where you’re supposed to try and counter feelings of shame and guilt and fear but knowing that even if your fear came true, you’d cope. I can apply this to existential or sexuality themes, but the darker ones I struggle to understand cause you’d be a social outcast, you’d be harming someone, so how does it work?

It really feels like I’m sexually attracted to a woman body parts and it kills me. I don’t want to be with a woman and I don’t want to have these urges and images and thoughts. I just want to live happy with my boyfriend but it’s so hard. It feels like I want and like these things. It makes me think it’s not ocd and idk what to believe now. I hate this

Hi I’ve been on this app for a little while and I have a question about HOCD if any sufferers can help me. I’ve tried googling this aspect of it far and wide and I seem to get no results. I’m already positive I have HOCD considering most of my life I have had pure O, which manifested into HOCD as I got older. I’m not going to go into full detail because I’m sure you all know what HOCD is, but it’s traumatic to say the least. I show every single symptom, but there is something else I experience that I haven’t seen anywhere and I wanted to know if anyone else with HOCD could relate. Not only does my HOCD impact my mind, but now I feel like it is changing me on the outside. Right now I’m wearing a PLAIN BROWN LONG SLEEVE SHIRT and I have somehow convinced myself that it’s gay and now I want to take it off. I can say this about nearly everything in my closet. I love this top; I think it is so flattering and comfy. I don’t WANT to change. But I feel like I should. I don’t feel comfy rolling up my hoodie sleeves for the same reason. There are countless fashion triggers for me: wearing too much eyeliner, wearing cargo/wide leg jeans, putting my hands in my pockets, wearing my hair slicked back, bandanas, keeping my nails unpainted...I could go on ALL DAY. I know exactly how my HOCD was first triggered though, so I guess it’s good so I can get to the root of the issue. I’m the oldest child in my family (I’m a teen girl btw), and I just sort of felt weird talking to my parents about boys I liked. Little did they know I was/am boy crazy, but I never felt there was a need for me to bring it up unless one of them showed interest in me. While I liked tons of boys, there was always one who I had a crush on who was a family friend, and my mom would always tease me about it, so I assumed she knew about him, and I jokingly played it off every time. Then the one day I made it more obvious she said “Oh you really like him? Oh thank goodness I thought you were gay. Not that it’s a bad thing I would always support you honey, but I want grandchildren lol.” And this never left my head. Now I will constantly tell my mom what actors I find hot and I will never leave it alone. The comment really bothered me, although I know she meant no harm; it made me think people could’ve thought I was gay, which made me feel icky. To be clear, I am not homophobic in the slightest. I have a few friends who r LGBTQ+, but I knew it wasn’t me, and it felt like her comment forced an identity upon me that I didn’t want, but convinced myself I had. From here, the compulsions started and u can guess the cycle from here. It didn’t help a same sex friend of mine came out to me the day before Coronavirus lockdown, and I told her I was so proud of her and then she said, “well like I’m bi but only for...some people...” and then she assumed I was also Bi, which I don’t think she realized, but worsened my mental state so much. I also realize it’s disrespectful to assume your LGBT friends like you, but then I realized how much she had been complimenting me. She never dished out compliments. She would always say I was so pretty, I should model, and she would often make sexual comments about me as well but k thought of it as like “hyping up a friend” and never realized it like that. I have this shirt from urban outfitters that has these little skeletons on it and I just thought it was a cute top, until one day she said “oooo that shirt give me like ‘I’d f*ck her in the morning vibes’”. I never thought much of it, but I haven’t worn the shirt since; I can’t bring myself to. I wasn’t even good friends with her, as she went to my school, left, and came back. From here, it has just been a downward spiral, but sometimes it just stops and I feel free again, but then it comes knocking once more. Anyways, both these encounters triggered my HOCD and caused a spiral in my compulsions. But, the point of this was to ask if/how to get over the fashion anxieties/anxieties that are associated w HOCD. I obviously didn’t tell my whole story here, but it comes with a lot of mental trauma following these incidents. Sorry for the long sob story but can anyone let me know if these fashion anxieties are normal/how to treat them??? Thanks!!!

Hey guys, I made a post the other day about having the urge to repeat simple tasks till it “feels right.” I’ve done a bit if research and found out that increasing levels of serotonin in the brain may reduce or cure ocd but with the help of medication which I am not open to. I’d also like to try everything I can myself before considering therapy. I’m wanting to know some of your experiences with getting better using natural remedies over medication and how long it took to be effective

i just feel like this has ruined my life. even when i’m doing good in the back of my mind i’m worried if i see a child. it’s so hard because it’s always been my dream to have children in the future, all my life i wanted to be a mum, and now i don’t even know if i want to because of this and i feel like i can’t because i’m so disgusting. i can’t even go to therapy or talk to anyone about this because my biggest fear is them telling me it’s not ocd and that means i’m just an evil person. this means i haven’t been diagnosed which makes me feel worse because although i’ve done a lot of research obviously i can’t diagnose myself. i’m just so scared of what i’ll be told. i feel like i’m constantly living in fear of what i might do or what someone would think if they knew about the intrusive thoughts etc. even writing this i’m terrified people are going to think i’m a p because i haven’t been diagnosed with ocd.

I saw something from Christie Hodges that said don’t trust your thoughts, trust your behaviors. Like I totally agree, but I’m not gonna lie, it kind of irritated me because it feels like I’m in the dark in how I should behave because I can’t think about it Smh

Is anyone here in the sf bay area? I have contamination ocd, and it is so much worse after moving here because of how dirty the streets are (actual human feces on the street, incredible amounts of trash, other things I dont want to mention here due to potential triggers, etc.). I feel really bad because I'll think I'm getting better, but literally every time I go outside I will see something that triggers me. I have never had to live like this before. I've lived in other major cities and they are nothing compared to how filthy the streets are here, I cannot understand how people are okay living this way. I feel bad because my partner means well but does not really understand at all, and I feel like my very distressed reactions are causing them unnecessary stress, especially when they unintentionally do something that triggers me. I don't think they fully understand how the feeling of terror is very real, how I don't enjoy being this way, and how this feeling of terrible fear makes me feel like a prisoner in my own body. I feel like given the prevalence of ocd and how filthy the streets are here, there must be many people here who similarly struggle, and I would love to hear if anyone (whether you're in sf or not) has any advice on how to cope while living in an objectively very gross environment.

Okay so question for everyone here. Okay do you guys ever check your gut (second brain) constantly or validation? Is that thing? Can it be wrong?

i don’t even know what i’m obsessing over at this point. like if someone asks me what thought it exactly bugging me i can’t even give u a concise answer. idk if it’s a false memory or what. but i’m just scared. im scared that i thought about letting my cat do stuff to me. that feels so disgusting to even type out. i cant even tell you whether or not i even thought about that. but my ocd is making it feel so real. i would never in a million years do that stuff with my cat and never ever have. never had the intentions to do it either. im so scared right now

This is a weird? But does anyone know if a vitamin d defitiancy cause ocd too be worse i found out i was very low on vitamin d started taking it and been feeling better thoughts and anxiety more mild also been exercising lots

im so caught up in the past. im really scared that i thought about doing stuff with my cat. i cant even say for sure that i did or didn’t but my mind is making me feel like i had the thought. it’s making me so anxious i can’t stop obsessing over it

this stupid beastiality theme is so anxiety provoking. i remembered the two times i was laying down and my cat was sitting on my tummy and for some reason i thought “this kinda looks sexual” cause his tail was between my legs but i NEVER was aroused by it or thought “this is hot” or anything like that. i just had the thought of “this is kinda sexual” but in a funny way. and now my mind is obsessing over it like why did i even think that? why didn’t i get him off of me when i thought that? why did i let him sit there?

I did ERP today for Harm OCD and i was shocked that yes it helps... so yes maybe it's gonna be long, but life is not a run, it is a marathon! I have a question. Not so long ago i started to make music, and yesterday i posted on youtube. And i had that bad anxious thought, that what if i get bad replys? What if i get famous and end up being mentally unstable becouse of the fame and i become alcohoolic, my life falls apart and even i kill myself? (Yeah... i'm stupid i know...) And the question is that is this OCD or just anxiety? I totaly understand that fame is not a good thing, and i don't want to fall on that, i probably will have a mask, and my life will be private... i'm not that stupid, to share everything with everyone. But i have this thoughts like what if it will be to much stress, and so much negativity will destroy me, like not so long ago a women kill herself because of cyberbullying, and what if i will be like that? I don't know why i think like that, I know that i'm talented and i want to share that, but everytime i get this anxios thoughts and feelings... I don't even care what people say, if they don't like me, it is what it is, i don't care, my life is much more important then peoples negativity, but I always get these thoughts and compare myself to those who got destroyed by fame and ended up killing themself... so this can be OCD or it's just anxiety?

Do you ever feel like your mind is making you turn gay? Like it’s just so odd that during this time in my life is when I started to question. Never felt anything towards women in the slightest, but my mind all of a sudden is almost forcing me to do it. At first, I knew what I wanted (which was men) and could fight off the thoughts. But now it’s to the point where I really do feel like in order to be happy I have to enter a lesbian relationship. I would think if I were truly gay this would make me happy, but I almost feel indifferent to it. Idk why this happened to me and I wish that I had figured it out sooner because I just don’t want to stop giving up on men. If I had this when I was younger I might have been okay with it but fantasizing about men has always been a fun topic for me. It’s just typical for this shit to happen to me because I have the worst luck in the world, and of course my OCD and anxiety ruined one thing that made me happy

Hi! I am Mario, a 30 year old guy. I am an OCD sufferer, like most of you on this app. I was recently introduced to this app by a good friend. I have been contemplating sharing my own story with everyone for a few years now, in the hopes of providing support and giving strength to people that suffer with OCD and mental illness in general. I wanna start by saying how inspired I am by each and everyone of you! You've all been dealt a bad hand in life. However, you are still here, fighting for your lives and surviving each day, no matter how hard it is. To me, YOU are the real heroes, you are MY heroes. You are a living proof that anything can be achieved with true effort, resilience, persistence and help from specialised professionals. My story with mental illnesses and other adversities go back to my early life. I had the bad luck to live in a house and raised by an alcoholic parent. That alone was challenging enough. As a result of a difficult childhood, trauma, mental and physical abuse, I ended up developing depression by the age of 10. Chemical imbalance in my brain didn't help either. My tough childhood also triggered my OCD, which manifested in having contamination fears and checking rituals. I would disinfect every area in my house that had been touched by anybody else, wash my hands excessively, take long showers and check doors and switches repeatedly. As the years went by, my depression and OCD got worse, but I could still manage somehow. Then, at the age of 18, I came across another traumatic experience. I served in the army, which is mandatory in my country, for two years. Two years, I had to deal with everything that army implies; I had to live with many other soldiers, having to clean filthy common areas and be in a very dirty environment. I could see "dangers" everywhere around me. My OCD started becoming really severe. I even experienced PTSD because of my military service. That's when I first seeked professional help. Two years later, as my service in the army came to an end, I was a different person. I would wash my hands for several hours consecutively and take showers that would last up to six hours. My skin would get very irritated and bleed. It was so painful but I couldn't stop doing my compulsions. Nothing was more painful though that my mental pain. I was tormented by intrusive thought every single minute of the day; trully disgusting and disturbing thoughts, thoughts that were unheard of. I would very often shake, cry and scream while washing my hands and showering; all I wanted was the thoughts to go away, to find peace. During my early twenties, I enrolled in 3 different university courses abroad. Every time, I was forced to drop out, since I was not able to study, go to my lectures or look after myself. OCD would take up my entire day. There were times I was unable to leave my room, after trying to lock the door for an hour. Many times I would attempt to cook something, only to give up after a while because I thought that I had contaminated my food. From the age of 18 until the age of 30, my life was a living hell, the worst nightmare. I tried every kind of therapy. I was on many medications, I did psychotherapy, CBT, ERP, hypnotherapy, acupuncture etc. The last couple of years I tried TMS(transcranial magnetic stimulation) and therapy with ketamine. None of these changed my situation to the slightest. I am still on medication, after 12 years. In addition to depression and OCD, I also developed Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Suicidal ideation and panic attacks were very frequent. I had given up. I had been contemplating suicide for the last couple of years. I would think of ending my life every single day. I didn't want to end my life, I wanted the pain to stop. I hated everything in my life, even myself. I thought I had hit rock bottom so many times. But every time I fell, I stood on my feet again and kept trying. A few days ago, I had a major OCD episode. I had had enough. I begged my mum to set me free, to let me take my own life. At that moment, I knew that I was drained emotionally, I had nothing more to give. Then, I asked myself; what has been your purpose in life all these years, what kept you going? The answer was so clear; I wanted to survive everything in order to help other people that go through hardships. I wanted to make a change in the world, at least do my part. Make this world a safest place for everyone. I even wanted to inspire others through my story. If I could make it, so can you! Eventually, I realised that I had no option but try once again. And that is when I saw some light at the end of the tunnel for the first time. Today, more than 20 years later, years of pain and torment, I see the future with hope and positity. Now I am ready to move on. I am ready to fulfil my goals. I am ready to fight alongside other OCD and mental health sufferers, having the insight of my own experience. I will do my best to love myself, and be grateful for being alive and so should you. Never lose hope, never give up. You can all live a healthy life. It does get better! This is my story in a nutshell. There are so many details that I will disclose in the future, in order to help people that haven't experienced what me and all of you have, get a better idea of mental health. I am here for anyone that needs someone to talk to. I am available to LISTEN to you and do my best to alleviate your pain. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me. Feel free to message me anytime. Let's aspire to have the life we all deserve to have. And never forget that you are special and lovable. Try to find the answers in the depths of your soul. Speak out, ask for help. That is what psychologists and psychiatrists are for. Thank you for spending some time to listen to my story. I hope to have managed to make one step closer to you. Now it's your turn! Let's be OCD survivors and not sufferers anymore!