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the NOCD Community

hi.. i really need to breathe so i might as well just type everything here. when i was in 7th grade, i had this moment where i thought i had liked a girl. we were really close and we did everything together. in my friend group, there were 2 girls who were dating eachother. i respected them si de they were my friends but i really didn’t seem myself w girls. and that’s when it hit me. i thought i liked this girl n i was curious, when in reality i wanted to be her friend. i told her n we went along w it. but, i couldn’t take it anymore tbh. it felt foreign and sick to me since ive always been attracted to boys. anyways, that lasted a day because i didn’t like it. now my hocd is making things worse, showing me how this is proof that i’m bisexual. i bet that counts as experimenting but.. i didn’t like it. my mind keeps telling me that i enjoyed that even though it was 5 years ago. i was a little kid. after that, all my crushes have been boys n i basically forgot about everything that happened because the past doesn’t define me. i was a curious 12 year old girl, who wanted to know how it felt like and didn’t like it. tbh.. it makes me sick to think that i was open to that. i’m a lgbt supporter but i don’t see myself like that. i want to get married to a guy, be with a guy, so everything w a guy.. not w a girl. i wish that my brain would stop using this as an excuse that i am truly bisexual.. when i’m not. it makes me cry so fucking much. i want to go back to before quarantine. seeing myself w a girl now makes me feel disgusted and I DONT WANT IT! i literally can’t do this anymore. i wish i could get in a car crash and get amnesia or something... i would do ANYTHING to forget about these thoughts n to not be bi. something that also triggers me is that the girl i experimented w is a lesbian now.. please someone help me. i was doing so well and i can’t even bear to look at myself. i don’t want to be bi. i want to be straight:(

What do I do if I get intrusive thoughts during sex? I feel like this is emotionally scarring me. Right now when I get intrusive thoughts the anxiety makes me more aroused (or maybe I'm in denial)and it makes me want to stop having sex all together because I feel like I'm being violated by my own brain. I dont like the thoughts so don't tell me that I should like them, that's like telling a sexual abuse victim to try to appreciate their abuse.

Idk if this is possible but with HOCD I’ve lost my attraction and feelings for girls is this possible or not? I’m super duper worried about this

in need of a distraction. comment your favourite film :)

Soooo I scheduled a call with an NOCD therapist to talk about therapy. I’ve NEVER told a therapist or really anyone in full detail my thoughts and I’m excited. I feel like I can deal with the anxiety I just really hope the results are life changing. I’m definately willing to take the plunge and do the work. How would you describe life post erp or ocd therapy?

I’m really nervous to do my new ERP exercise. I had an appointment with my therapist today and told her how I’m dealing with these intrusive thoughts about my mom that keep wanting me to look down at her chest or something like I have to keep saying “no I don’t wanna do that” and it’s been stressing me out a lot and making it hard to talk and be around her because these thoughts come in. My therapist said for an ERP that I should start with looking at pictures of my mom and purposely look at her chest in these pictures in order to conquer this fear and move past it. When I’m able to deal with that she said to do it in person. I know I have to do it do finally get over this issue but I’m so nervous to do so that I feel nauseous, like I keep thinking “what kinda of psycho would purposely stare at their mom’s chest??” I know it’s the OCD making this an issue in the first place tho but still. Any encouraging words would be helpful :(

Hi, I just got here. I’m kind of unsure about this because I don’t know if I even have OCD. Though, if I think about how I have problems with perfecting things and then stress about everything and can’t ever calm down, it kinda makes me wonder if I do have it. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I also don’t want to be annoying to my partner anymore so here I am.

The tax filing deadline is tomorrow. Does anybody's need to recheck their entries and math kick into overdrive while preparing taxes? Any fears of being convicted on tax fraud and being sent to federal prison?

I can't stand my mind and my thoughts any more

Just got off the chat with my therapist. Immediately triggered by late bloomer lesbians who loved their SOs. I love mine but I can’t orgasm and I’m afraid I’m not turned on enough by him naked. I’m so so so so scared I need a woman to be satisfied or that eventually I’ll take action and be with one. I want to vomit but it almost feels like I’m turned on in my groin. I’ve been working through ERP but these types of stories are 100% a huge trigger for me

PSA TO ANYONE WHO HAS RECOVERED: Had a bad day yesterday. Although I’m feeling better today, I’m feeling super depressed. Only started the day out with a little bit of anxiety. But I’m just scared. ‘What if the thoughts/feelings come back? What if this time I actually go crazy? What if this time I agree? What if I never get better?’ I need any kind words from anyone who has gone through this.... please any positivity helps (no reassurance please)

Does anyone find that alongside their intrusive thoughts that upset them, because they are observing their thoughts so closely they notice lots of other strange thoughts - it’s just those ones don’t upset you? I can have thoughts of hurting myself, breaking things, driving into oncoming traffic etc and they don’t bother me because they aren’t my theme, yet give me a thought of sexually or physically assaulting a child and the whole experience is hugely distressing.

I really don’t care anymore about being gay I give up. at first this gave my chronic depression and everyday I’d wake up I would wish I never did cause it was so bad, I’d wait hours just to back to sleep. but that was about 2 months ago these thoughts have done exactly what I feared they do I’m not scared of being gay anymore and I have no resistance to it, now someone could ask me do “I wanna be gay?” And obviously I would tell them no not a chance I wanna go back to my old me. But saying that now it just feels like I’m lying to myself. I’ve lost my normal self, and can’t even think ab my friends normally anymore or any male for that matter, it feels like I don’t wanna get better and that this isn’t ocd at all and I’m just turning I DONT GET IT AT ALL my whole life I’ve been into girls dreamt about my future wife and it feels like I’ve had that all stripped away from me I hate posting about this shit cause I feel like I’m the only person going through this who is in the end actually gunna realize they are what they fear and I have no resistance to it anymore.

I flipped a few days ago and threw the key to my boyfriends house on the floor and left with my family because he wouldn’t show me his phone to prove his narcissistic ex doesn’t still text him inappropriately, but still insists the texts they HAVE exchanged are only about their mutual work. Why the fuck wouldn’t he show me then? Is this rocd or? I was meant to move in with him but it’s all gone wrong lately because he became unwell basically having a nervous breakdown which led to a drink problem ? she was partially responsible because she’s been NOTHING but trouble since we met. Also during all of this his dad died and his mother has cancer now. His ex has shown up unannounced at the house before now, and also threatened to again about a month ago. She also claims he still loves her even though he despises her. She used to attack him at work, she’s a violent pos and shags married men. I’m paranoid, but he swears he’s innocent (which I believe) and is constantly reassuring me. but I don’t trust her. I think she feels she has rights to him and I’m upset by it. He’s inviting some friends over this week but won’t tell me what day. They’re mutual friends. I know she’s possessive over them hanging out without her so I am convinced she will catch wind of it and show up too, and for a quiet life he will let her because I’m no longer there to say “absolutely not”. He swears it won’t happen and is getting upset that I think she will! But it’s not my fault because when he first moved out from their shared house, she used to invite herself shopping with him, demanded to shower at his house when her bathroom was being done and threatened to brick his windows in when he wouldn’t text her back. She hated that he met me and accused him of being destructive when he uploaded photos of me to his social media. They own a business and he worries if she’s displeased, she will cause him to become homeless from her frantic bullshit. As a result, I feel I need to drive there to see if he’s telling the truth, and that she won’t be there. I also bought a security camera I May or may not use to show the outside of his house to catch her out if she does show up at his house and then I will call the fucking police. I’ve had enough of her harassment. I can’t tell if I’m being irrational partly because of ocd or not

Today is such a bad day. I feel so disgusted with myself. I just want to disappear from this world. A disturbing memory about a real event that happend last summer resurfaced and I'm just so, so lost. I'm such a terrible person. Earlier I gave a kiss to my little brother, had a sexual sensation which felt like arousal (I know, I have no limits) and then somehow I got excited by the feeling and kept kissing him because of the excitment feeling. There's so much to handle. I just can't do this anymore. I'm seeing my therapist in an hour but it's pointless, there is no way out for me. I just want to die. But I'm too much of a coward to do that.

Iplease help me I really don’t want to be gay, these thoughts are starting to convince me I like it, I used to spend hours and hours a day talking to only girls, there has never been a moment in life before hocd where I’ve had sexual dreams or irl attraction to men, i even went to a all boys school and wanted girls, I’m 16 and ik people say that your still figuring life out, but honestly if I was gay why should I be depressed. Instant death or be gay ? I would honestly die instantly with my dignity. I don’t want to be gay but everytime I have a spike of reality and know I’m straight, I feel even more gay the next day. Reassurance is killing me! Has anyone else been convinced that they liked the thoughts( false attraction or false feelings) when I’m horny the thoughts feel like I like them and it makes me sick cause at the start of all of this I knew I was straight and knew this was all intrusive, I’ve had girlfriends since nursery and I’m still heartbroken about my ex girlfriend. I don’t see myself happy with a man at all, like the thought of going on dates,holding hands, kissing and shit like that don’t make me happy it makes me uncomfortable and feel weird, but saying this now It’s almost as if the more I deal with hocd the more the disgust and everything gets taken away and the more real this feels. Like gay sex would previously make me feel sick and like it’s a nightmare and make me panic and hyperventilate. But now it makes me horny well I force myself to think about it when I’m horny to see if I like it, previously this would make my dick shrink (sometimes still does) When I try to accept I’m gay I start imagining girls again, I just really don’t want to be gay, I was so girl crazy even at a all boys school, and ever since porn addiction I watched 3 fucked up vids but that can’t determine my sexuality. At the start I would spend like 10 hours doing sexuality tests and checking gay porn and hocd story’s to make sure I was straight and eachtime I was happy and the thoughts stoped for a while, But now it’s making me feel like I like them, I need help. I don’t want to be gay, my parents are fine with it but I’m not, and I’m even thinking about becoming a Christian to make sure, I was looking into conversation therapy if worse comes to worse. I don’t get how sexuality can change against your own will and how convincing hocd is. Like I was so happy being straight I just don’t get this Each day feels more like I like it and I don’t even know what’s going on, what if I’m just gay and scared. Like why is this happening to me ffs. What if I have to be gay, and I can’t even know for sure if I won’t act on the thoughts, like at the start I knew I wouldn’t but this has confused me all so much. Like what if I accept I’m gay and like it. Like I don’t want that at all, I just don’t want the gay lifestyle, sex with men/ getting bullied. Dates with men make me sick

Hey guys so I had harm ocd for the first time back in 2017 and it lasted till 2019. It was absolute torture. It was so bad I couldn’t stop crying I thought I was going insane. The therapist was trash and just wanted to throw me on meds but I don’t want any meds. The therapist didn’t even specialize in OCD. Somehow it went away and I’m been living a happy life for 9 months till it somehow came back. While I was good I would think about it and be like wow I’m really cured, but it’s back and it’s haunting me and bringing past memories and haunting me back how I used to felt. Now I’m convinced this is gonna stay for years and not go away and I’m gonna end up killing my family on their sleep. Suddenly become violent and listen to the urges. It’s so bad. I just want peace and live life like everyone else. But I can’t anymore. What am I gonna do. I can’t live my 20s peacefully anymore.

Hi everyone how are we all doing ? Even though this is a rhetorical question but I’m trying to help everyone distract them selves for a moment even me

I’m a Christian. I feel awful when I’m praying or worshiping and I get sexual intrusive thoughts about Jesus. I know he knows what I am going through and I try not to hold it over myself since it’s the OCD and not me, but I get ashamed about it anyways.

Guys... I didn't know I would post again so soon. I'm extremely sorry but I can't stop crying and I think I'll explode from whatever I'm feeling. I thought I was a bit better especially with the kind help I received from my last post, which, again, I'm really thankful for. I was ready to go to bed when a memory from last summer resurfaced. It has always been at the back of my mind but I've always tried to ignore it by telling myself that I didn't do anything bad, but now it has resurfaced with full power. I don't think I'm ready to share it here because it's so disgusting but it's related to POCD. I think I will need to confess it to my therapist tomorrow when I see her but I'm so scared. I'm scared she will have me sent to jail. I'm not asking for advice. I just wanted to talk to someone because I feel so, so lonely. (But then, at the same time, I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone because of how bad it is; I'm sorry, I'm so weird.) I'm sorry, I don't know what to say anymore. And I know I sound so dramatic but I promise that's not my intention.