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I feel like I am going insane. My ocd has never been this bad before. I’m waking up every morning with extreme dehabilitating anxiety. I am gagging and using the restroom all of the time. My pocd has reached an all time high. I work in a law firm and read a very disturbing case involving child abuse and child pornography. Ever since my world has been twisted upside down. I feel like the line is so thin. Like anyone can cross it in a split second and their world can be flipped upside down in an instant. I have a daughter of my own and that night after having read that story at work, my intrusive thoughts and feelings were at an all time high. I was changing her diaper and had intrusive thoughts which I knew was going to, givin the triggering and emotionally draining day I had. I quickly pushed them out of my head and then what happened next is some what of a blur because I have spent the last five days ruminating it over and over and over again in my head. I was trying to get her to lay down in her crib and she kept standing up. I was gonna lay her down in a way that required me to maneuver her with one hand and that one hand would be in between her legs, over her clothes and her diaper. I see people carry and handle their babies like this all of the time but I always avoid it. This time I didn’t. I fought the compulsion to move my hand. Because it is in fact, not a sexual thing at all. But in my mind I had it made out to be. I remember moving her super quickly in that fashion and immediately feeling guilt like I did it in a malicious sexual way. Even though the movement itself is not sexual at all, because it has been in my mind forever as a sexual place I’ve always avoided it. I was attempting to fight the compulsion and now as a result because I didn’t move my hand, I feel like I have done something horrible. I feel so guilty. All because of a quick 5 second movement. I keep imagining me without my daughter, going to jail, her not having me, my family disowning me. I can’t handle the immense amount of emotional distress I am feeling because of this event. I keep feeling like I could’ve moved her in a different way, why did I have to move Her in the way that required my hand to be between her legs? Was it me trying to somehow act out on the intrusive thoughts I had previously? I am so torn apart by this. I would never ever intentionally hurt my baby. Ever. My biggest fear is her being abused. In an attempt to stand up to my ocd and desexualize that specific action, it has launched me into the worst ocd episode of my life.

If u have OCD is it normal to be afraid of everything yet nothing if that makes sense

Is anyone else here a therapist or social worker who struggles with ocd?

So yesterday my therapist asked me if I identify my thoughts revolving around my ocd theme as ocd thoughts or just regular thoughts. I told her most of the time I see them as ocd thoughts but when I’m spiraling bad sometimes I can’t help but fear they are real. Anyone else experience this? Honestly for the last day I’ve been scared whether she was actually asking if my thoughts are a reflection of my actual self and my desires or if they are ocd. Like she herself was unsure. Can anyone relate?

I really need some advice on how to deal with pocd. I had gotten so much better, but then yesterday my great aunt told me that she foresees that I will have a daughter as my first child and it sparked my pocd again. As I mentioned in my last post, I get more uncomfortable around girls than I do with boys. I also think it has to do with my hocd and pocd mashing up together.

This is TMI and maybe embarrassing to post :(( I keep feeling this desire to make out with boobs. Like BIG boobs. I’ve always been aroused by big boobs but never wanted anything to do with them. I’m fairly busty myself and so I’ve always wanted a guy to do these things to me. But now I’m wondering if I’d also wanna do it.

PSA: As an individual who has recovered from Ocd, i have learned the main nature of this illness and would love to share it with you.. Common to all themes and subtypes, we must realize that the specific thought isnt the issue. If it was, the thought we have now accepted or are not afraid of would have cured of us our anxieties. Please have faith from mental health professionals that we must abandon the importance on specific thoughts. Because what is so scary about these thoughts? It is the emotion that they bring. Ocd uses unpleasant emotions or sensations, (often extremely debilitating ones) to scare us into submission. Please know. That if you learn to sit with, accept, and learn that you can handle all emotions and sensations, all levels of anxiety, depression, everything, ocd will no longer have anything to scare u with. Noting helps. "I am noticing I am very very scared about the thought I had about ____. I am noticing I am feeling very ____. Sitting with this intense emotion, I am learning that I can handle it." Acceptance, of the good and the terribly uncomfortable, is the only way to treatment for ocd, but also many other emotional and mental problems people come across. I am personally with you as you struggle. I have had diagnosed severe ocd for 14 years now,, just recently been recovered. I. know. the. anguish. But please hear me, the only way to rexovery is embracing, and no longer fearing or trying to get rid of that anguish. We are not our ocd. This reality, along with having the courage to face any emotion (debilitating anxiety), to stop doing compulsions, and to expose yourself daily (preferably around 15 20 minutes or so), will help all you beautifully minded people to recover and to live even fuller lives after this experience!

I feel like I should just give up at this point. My case/symptoms are so different from others and there's just too much evidence. All I want is to live alone for the rest of my life. I'm tired from these thoughts and these constant doubts that stop me from being happy. Sorry for constantly posting, but I'm done.

Ocd ruined my future For a year, I was dating this wonderful person who i loved very much. 3 months ago she broke up with me. One of the reasons was she couldn't keep up with where my ocd was taking me. I'm doing better but I was devasted/suicidal with what ocd has been taking away from me. And in the end, it took away the only thing I care about. My only consolation is that she deserves better so it's a good thing we broke up. I've become so numb that I won't ever be in another relationship again. I won't love anyone else nor vice versa. I don't care if I'm dead or alive. Theres nothing for me here. My birthday is next week and it will be bullshit I'm so sorry for venting.

I keep getting intrusive thoughts about admitting I’m in denial and coming out. It’s plaguing my mind and I’ve got this crazy feeling that my future self is asking me all of these questions because I keep experiencing deja vu. I don’t know whether I’m being irrational but my mind is making me believe that my future self is visiting my present self and asking me whether I’ve accepted myself. It’s causing me a lot of stress and anxiety because I hate all of these intrusive thoughts yet they seem so real and I’m starting to believe them. I don’t want to be but my mind keeps giving me this verbal messages as if my future self is confronting my present self. It’s daunting and horrifying. I’d do anything for it to go away. Absolutely anything.

I don't understand how to break free from OCD. I don't understand at all

I have the constant urge to confront people who have hurt me in the past, even if it’s from years ago. This is a compulsion I absolutely cannot do as it’s real life involving other people and can make matters much worse. This is the ultimate challenge. I sit in anger and rage with no closure, and my urge is also for reassurance seeking to basically cover my ass and endure perfect reputation or make sure my past will not come to haunt me. But without closure or having the last word I am agoraphobic and want to hide. The anxiety I get from this is crippling. If I don’t get the last word I feel weak.

So this is the third post I am making today and now its about real event ocd. I think I understand now why I did what I did when I was a kid. My uncle, from mother side has been denounced by my mother into the police of molesting my other sister. The cops who heard she, one of them was my father, that in the time was already married with another women and had a daughter (already had a family). He cheated and felt in love with the women who gave me birth (my biological mother), she who denounced my uncle. I dont know much what happened, but he didnt went to jail as they all kind of solved the problem without the law. My biological mother died when I was 2 I guess and then my father took me from my grandparents to his first family, so I have a mom today that I love so much who took care of me and for me this biological thing is nothing. I love my mother. Strange thing that when I came from my grandparents house to my father house. My other sister, older sister too (both of my sisters are older then me) and my mom realized strange things in me, like behaviours and later I was diagnosed with eplepsia. This makes me believe that something must have happened with me so I can explain what I did with my sister. Ive read a lot about real event ocd and siblings abuse guilt. Its a compulsion that I not controlling anymore. Searching and googling everytime. This is very confusing, but its my story. I hope somebody can help me clear this out

i’m so confused. when i see pictures of girls who are like half naked i get aroused physically. but when i see a guy who’s like really sweet, fully clothed, smiling, laughing, i get aroused mentally for the most part, physically not so much. i think about wanting him to hold me, wanting to play with his hair, all this romantic shit. but when it’s girls it’s only down there, nothing happens in my head and when i try to make something happen in my head, it’s feels so weird and unnatural. is this normal. like this has always happened even before hocd. i never get aroused to girls when they’re clothed, like i couldn’t care what underneath. but for guys i do for both. but why do i get aroused to naked women if i’m straight? i don’t understand, it doesn’t make sense

Cooking HelloFresh meals is continuing to go well. Honestly, I can't really call it an exposure anymore. I actually enjoy a lot of it. - Yesterday I had a moment of panic, but acted effectively anyways. Even better, I used an unexpected trigger as an opportunity to do ERP and move towards another bone if my values- flexibility. I've always been super strictly adherent to rules and directions. When following recipes, I do exactly what they say, down to minutia like how many cups of water to boil the pasta in. This kind of rigidity shoes up in many areas of my life and causes problems. - Back To the story. I was making spinich and cheese raviolis wit Italian chicken sausage sauce. They sent scallions. The "thinly sliced whites" were to be cooked with the sausage.... Only when I got out the scallions from the bag, they were slimy. My heart sped up and my hands started shaking. I froze in place for a solid thirty seconds while frantic thoughts whizzed through my head: "the scallions are bad, I'll have to scrap the whole meal! But they're counting on you for dinner tonight! Unless you went and got take out, by the time you changed the meal plan and made it, it would be way to late. This is a trainwreck.... Etc etc etc." And then I was like "stop, this isn't working." I thought about watching my brother and roommate cook when they make up recipes based on whatever ingredients are in the house. It always blew my mind that they are so comfortable making decisions up as they go along. I certainly don't feel confident cooking a meal without a recipe after rummaging though the fridge.....?But maybe there was something in the house I could use to replace the scallion whites.? Hmmm.... YES!! a yellow onion! - So I minced a single slice of the onion and used it in the recipe. My anxiety faded as I cooked, but then spiked when I set the plates in front of my family. "what if it's bad? "They're going to know I ruined it" "what if it's so bad they can't eat it" "what if they eat it but just don't like it. Or if it's different than what they expect".... I had SO MANY urges seek reassurance. AND I DIDN'T, NOT EVEN ONCE!!!! I'd love to hear success stories from the rest of you. It's be especially awesome if you could connect the brave action to one of your values

I just did a huge decontamination compulsion because I washed my hands for 20 seconds, touched some things, including my face, and then really doubted that I washed properly. Through out this like....45 minute decontamination (for less than 30 seconds of touching) I could feel my rational brain, struggling to come up for air and tell me it was my ocd. But my ocd brain was so strong.... I just had to keep cleaning and decontaminating. Is it a positive that I realized, even just barely, even though i couldnt stop? Or is that basically how it will always be?

My sister is bisexual and told me that before she came out she had internalised biphobia (something I’m terrified of having myself) she tried to look at photos of guys to prove she was attracted to them and used to talk about them to her friends to make sure they didn’t suspect anything, and all I can think of is that I do all the same stuff too. I’m freaking out because I try and make sure that nobody thinks that I’m gay and I try to prove my attraction to men. I also sometimes get excited when talking to girls similar to when talking to guys, but with the girls I think it’s the topic of conversation, and usually I get bored after a few minutes, whereas with guys (before my boyfriend) it was more the fact that a guy I liked was paying attention to me. I really hope that that’s what it is. I’m terrified that I need to just admit that I’m bisexual like my sister and should come out and that I’d feel better rather than suppressing my ‘attraction’ to women, despite only wanting to be with men and only fantasising about men in a romantic way when I feel normal and not panicky like this (because right now, all my thoughts are bombarded by these bisexual thoughts and I’m struggling so much)

So I have GAD and OCD, harm and POCD. Up until a month or so ago I had been spike free for 2 years. I was so happy and free. The best I’ve ever felt. I was able to go off my meds and really enjoy life again. I guess a month or so ago I could feel my anxiety creeping in due to being stuck at home from Covid. Things just began spiraling and here I am back in another POCD spike. Same theme different worries every day. I’m back on new meds but it’s only been 3 weeks so Idk how well they’re working. I guess I’m posting because I’m really upset I spiraled after doing so well and I’m really upset it’s the same theme. That makes me feel like more of a bad person. Like what if it’s not OCD? Yes I know that’s the OCD talking. Ugh why can’t I just be worry free??? Have any of you been doing well and spiked with the same theme?

I’m worried about my suicidal thoughts that come up from time to time. Sometimes I’m fine and I talk myself through things but other times I’m obsessing about things I did in the past and have so much shame. The worst case scenarios and fears I come up with in my head feel so real and I just want to die after thinking about it coming true. One memory I’m stuck on is when my friend told me to try a sugar daddy site 3 years ago. I was used and taken advantage of. I got drunk and went into a bar basement and gave the man oral sex. I felt horrible and it was humiliating and degrading. He ghosted me after that and found me again on Instagram months later. He said “remember me? You really enjoyed it.” And then when I called him out he said “you drive a Benz. Why would I pay you. Bye hoe”. My OCD tells me maybe he secretly taped me and I’ve gone viral, or he will ruin my reputation even though it was 3 years ago. Or no man will want me because of my past. I was in a low place and got taken advantage of. I have a police report against him but because i consented the police said nothing can be done. He is 17 years older than me and after I googled him I found out he defrauded investors for hundred of thousands of dollars and is known for scamming people. I don’t even want to stay in New York anymore I just want to run away. I can’t handle the shame and the intrusive memories.

I'm terrified I'll be a failure forever. :(