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the NOCD Community

Ugh this illness SUCKS !!!! I’ve spoke on here about my struggles with POCD before, as recently it’s become harder to cope with and had gotten harder than it was. Since I’ve posted on here the other day, I was starting to calm down, however on New Year’s Eve, my little nephew came to stay over as my sister (his mum) was going out and needed someone to look after him. I look after him a lot, however he was going to be sleeping over, and not only that, but in my bed (whilst I was also sleeping in it). This wouldn’t have even been a problem before POCD really hit, but I’ve just spiralled and can’t settle my mind. He did sleep over and it was all fine, despite me being so nervous about the whole situation. Everything was fine (even though the intrusive thoughts didn’t stop). However, the next day, an intrusive thought popped to my mind and I was all of a sudden thinking ‘omg what if I’ve done something inappropriate to him or hurt him whilst I was asleep’ even though I know I didn’t do this ! (I mean I know you don’t know what you do when you sleep but I know I didn’t do it because I would never do that!) not to mention, I couldn’t sleep properly on that night because I was panicking so much ! But I can’t get this intrusive thought out of my mind and it’s making me feel so upset and down. I would never do that to him or any child !!!! But my mind just keeps going ‘what if you’ve done something inappropriate to him’. And then today I went shopping with my sister and my nephew and he was acting normal with me but then in the shop he started misbehaving which he doesn’t regularly do, (just stuff like his attitude and things). And at one point, he didn’t want to hold my hand which is strange because he always does, I know this is stupid because kids have days where they misbehave, but obviously my OCD is like well it means this and it means that. I hate it !!! I don’t know what to do, I just want to get the thought out of my head, I don’t want to keep having the ‘what if’ thoughts. How do I get them to go or settle ?!

Question. I’m going to a psychiatrist and I am trying to fill out the pre questionnaire thing they sent us. One of the questions (well, technically a statement) is “I wish I were of the opposite sex”. The best way I could describe how I feel about my own gender identity is that I’m nonbinary. Being young I know there is still a possibility that later I’ll learn more about myself change my mind about using that label, though that isn’t my main concern. Mostly I’m worried because I’m a minor and I am definitely not ready to come out to my parents. They don’t even know I like girls yet so I don’t think the first time to bring up my gender confusion will be in a doctors office. Has anyone who has had a similar experience let me know how important it would be for me to answer this question honestly? I don’t want to lie but I feel like if I lie on just this one question it won’t be that big of a deal, will it?

Do you think that me saying to myself, “these are ocd thoughts, they aren’t true at all” a compulsion??? It makes me feel better like more relaxed but I am worried that maybe it is just a compulsion...But it can’t be I don’t think, bc it is the absolute truth. That is what ocd is. Intrusive thoughts that aren’t real or true about yourself. Thoughts??

Hey everyone. Need some advise. My bf told me that he thinks I use my OCD as an excuse to get out of things. Like riding his four wheeler through the mud and watching horror movies. I am terrified of catching some sort of infection from the muddy water surrounding his property and the images from horror movies fuel my religious ocd and also make their way into my intrusive thoughts. Any suggestions on what to say to him to explain how I’m feeling? We have been together forever and I really want him to understand so we can work together to lesson my fears. Thanks :)

I have HOCD and lately it’s been worse than usual. I’m wondering if it’s because I have met someone I really like. I’ve been getting to know this great guy and feel like I’m bound to screw things up based on the intrusive thoughts that I’m having. I either try to find things wrong with him or with myself. I feel like he could be someone who really could be an amazing addition to my life and I’m finding it so difficult to slow myself down because I’m always worrying about something. I’ve always been someone who feels guilty for their thoughts, like I have to tell someone or I’m not being honest. I feel like I’m hiding something from him when obviously I’m not, because they’re just thoughts. I know the OCD wants me to do this- to question, and to vocalize the thoughts and tell people- but I feel like vocalizing would give the thoughts more power which is exactly what the OCD wants me to do. But I still feel guilty and I’m not sure how to let this go. Tips on how to deal with this?

I get OCD about eating and drinking certain things. Anyone else?? Like my brain will tell me that it's poisoned or something. Help !

Anyone on here struggling with Trichotillomania? For those who don’t know what that long word is, it is a type of OCD that gives you the irresistible urge to pull out your own hair (from the scalp, face, or body). I have been struggling with it since I was in 8th grade. For most people with trich, pulling out hair can be a coping method for stress or anxiety. However, the disorder usually just causes more anxiety and insecurity. It is a tough case of OCD because it does not only affect you psychologically, but it can affect your psychical appearance in more extreme cases. Wow, that felt good to talk about for some reason. But anyways, if anyone who has trich, knows someone with trich, or wants to just have a conversation about it, please let me know! I’ve been dying to find someone to confide in for years- I feel embarrassed by my OCD.

Are we considered 'mentally ill'?

CW: Eating disorders - - - - - - - - - - - - Does anyone here have an eating disorder on top of OCD? I can’t stop thinking about the food I just ate, and how full it makes me feel.

The thoughts are not the problem. Your choice to take them seriously is the problem.

Everyone says I should take meds but I genuinely can’t. I don’t trust them

any of u who suffered with or do suffer with HOCD, did ur attraction for the opposite sex ever return (or for the same sex if you aren’t straight) ? this part of HOCD bothers me so so much :/ i miss the attraction i used to have for guys .

I am a 28 yr gay male. Spending new years with my boyfriends family in a different on the other side of the country from my home. Tonight I broke down and tried to remove the last wall between us after the last few month ramp up of problems we have dealt with. When I met him, I was just dating to grow. Absolutely no intentions of finding the one. I have been working on my OCD for several years. Have not found relief in medication yet but have done lots of therapy. I knew my OCD was a problem and was planning to heal it completely before settling down with someone. A little while after we decided to commit to each other, we hit a few walls that have taken some extreme amounts of work from both of us to work through. He also was not planning to settle down. But the more we have worked through these difficulties together, the more were certain we want to be together. So rocky road aside, we have been growing closer every step. Though I've hit a point where I cannot fight my OCD any longer. And while he has stated it has worn him down, he has short fought harder by my side than anyone else before. And has been working on his own stuff along side it as I have worked to reciprocate the help. To break down why my OCD has become especially intense I'll try to provide a synopsis of the events leading to this melt down. Several weeks after we committed to eachother, I stumbled on his porn addiction. It started by finding it on his browser by accident. When I asked him about it he initially told me he was not viewing it. When I presented the evidence to him, he claimed that he used it to get ideas for us to use for our intimacy. As time went on I continued to find evidence and ask him to be honest. I continued to tell him how important honesty was to me, and that I did not mind the porn but wanted him to just be forthright in telling me. Everytime he refused to tell me he had used it until I had to show him the evidence. And I would then be met with defensiveness. Some of the responses I'd get were that this has always been common in previous relationships so he didn't understand why it was hurting me. I continued to explain it wasn't the porn that bothered me it was the fact that he would not be honest about it. I continued to reiterate that he could view it if he wanted but that I'd just prefer he tell me and not hide it from me. I even tried to get out of my comfort zone and view it with him. But he refused to let me. After several weeks of this, it started leading me to become obsessive. The breakdown of trust started making me question more and more what was really going on. So I started going through his phone and uncovered how much deeper the porn problem was. He would view porn after he got home from work in the hour before I got to his house, often times Wed be intimate, and then I'd head home for the night. Only to discover the next day that he was right back onto porn sites 5 minutes after I had left. Again I'd ask him to be honest and he would never tell.me the truth. He even started downloading different browsers, using incognito, and etc to hide it. But I'm very skilled with computers and can usually find most anything. This is when I started having a complete lack of trust in him and got very obsessive. While going through his phone I found texts he hadn't deleted to several guys where they had exchanged dirty pictures and conversations. Many of the texts were done only minutes before I'd show up or minutes after I'd leave. The worst was finding texts where he shared details of what we were doing - such as watching which shows on Netflix. The texts, atleast the ones I know of because they werent deleted, stopped after we made the relationship official. Because of my obsessions I did read and view everything. He had several explicit pictures of people saved to a Google drive. He still had every single contact from grinder on his phone with some listed as "bad in bed - do not hookup". So time passed. We continued to address him needing to be honest with me through the porn stuff. Finally, atleast based on the fact thsr I can no longer find it, the porn has stopped. And he claims he is no longer viewing it. So now it seems he's being honest, because I cannot find it any longer on his phone/computer. Up until it disappeared though, he never once told me he had viewed it, even when I was sitting there with his browser history in my hand, until I showed him the proof. We talkrd a lot about rebuilding the honesty. He shared his sexual history with me, including details and numbers. Because at this point I was so obsessed with fixing this lack of trust and eliminating all the fears the previous obsessions had exposed. This is where things got more difficult. Because the history he shared with me did not match what his texts told me. He told me he had never slept with more than one person at a time. And he told me this multiple times. But because he never deletes messages, I read conversations with his friends where he texted about just having his first three some. He went into details with them about how it happened who they were, how weird one guy was for saying bro so much. And then about having his friends pick him up so he didn't have to have an Uber. I mean the conversation was very detailed. There were also conversations about him getting tricked into going to a sex club and having a party time. Again incredibly descriptive from how many rooms there were to what kind of things were in each room. He even included the details of being convinced it was a Waterpark so he showed up in a swimsuit and was embarrassed. On top of all that, there were freaking exchanges about how his life is just working and fucking. And times he'd text his friends about just having the worst hookop of his life. And then conversations about how the last 4 guys couldnt last more than a few minutes. So obviously you guys understand how badly that started ramping up my ocd. He lied to me about the porn for 2 months. He told me his sexual history was more conservative and that he had never been to the sex club. And he didn't do hookups. Etc. So when I finally presented him with the evidence from the texts, he broke down and said that he was never being dishonest. That he never did those things. He said that he texted those things to seem cool. Because he was trying to keep up a facade or character of someone cool to his friends. He continues reassure me that all of those texts were just ways for him to feel validated when he was lonely and feeling worthless. Because he wanted to seem cool. And that a lot of those details were things he'd heard from people and so it made it easy to fabricate stories that made him feel cool. Now as the weeks started leading up to him bringing me here to his hometown for new years, my ocd has been going insane. Being back here where all these people from his contacts are. And where all the stuff written about in those texts would have happened if they actually did. I want to believe him that he was hurting and insecure and trying to sound cool over texts, but as you guys understand, my ocd keeps sending me thought after thought. And possibility after possibility that he is still lying to me. And still hiding it from me. After weeks of asking for reassurance and explaining to him my need for truth and affirmation and everything that I need to feel secure in the relationship I still feel like he's lying to me. He said he has stopped using porn completely cold turkey - without me asking him to, I was simply asking for honesty. Because he says he enjoys saving it for our intimacy and recognizes that he was obsessed and had been wanting to break free. He deleted all his contacts - without me asking him to. He said he didn't even really think about them being there, and when we got into the relationship he just didn't think about it. He deleted his snapchat - without me asking him to. Because he said there were too many contacts to jdur delete them individually, he doesn't use it. And didn't want to have people randomly message him in the future. He deleted all the explicit pictures, to his credit on this one, they were in a Google drive that had not been touched in two years. So I can believe him when he said they were old and he had forgotten about them. He has been touchy and affirming. He has continued to try and be proactive in telling me that those texts were all about show and didn't really happen. He continues to stand firm that his sexual history is exactly what he has told me. He came forward and told me that he has never had his drivers license, but was too embarrassed to tell me that because he liked me so much when we met. So he had originally told me that it had just lapsed. The reason he doesn't have his license is because he has severe ptsd from several car accidents when he was younger. But now I am stuck - my ocd keeps bringing the intrusive thoughts of him being this person who was fucking a hookup every few days or enjoying thresomes. And because the numbers he has told me were fairly higher than I had hoped, it continues to bring up images of all these different people. I feel like I can't trust him. I can't just believe what he's told me about those texts. And I don't know why I can't become mindful over these images this time. I had my ocd pretty much under control before this. I know that I love him. And I know he loves me. I can see the work he has been putting in. I can understand thar he has his own mental problems to work through because of years of sexual abuse when he was little. I can see that he is trying to work on him and support me. He has taken ownership of lying to me about the porn. And as he said a bunch he said I am obisoujy telling you the turht about my sexual history not linking with the texts, because it would be easier for him to just say yes all those texts are true. Because that would help show me to trust him better. It would stop me from questioning him more. But he said he will lot lie to me anymore, and so unfortunately he must continue to stand firm that the texts were just to make him look cool and thst he will accept having to continue to give me reassurance and work through this. Rather than lie and say they're true to just end discussion. He also told me that because I didn't leave him after all the lying with the porn and holding strong until we resolved it, I showed him I was finally the one person he could trust with everything - he could tell me anything no matter how much it might hurt in the moment and thst he was willing to be completely raw and honest with me because I had broken down that Wall and he felt like he no longer needs to lie to protect himself because I'm not gonna hurt him with the truth. I know I'm stuck in my head fiightjng all this. I can't see it all as I need to. It does looks like he's being honest now, doesn't it? It does appear he's stopped porn, right? It does appear he's acknowledged that he messed up and has gone more than the extra mile to clean up his behavior, right? If that's all correct. Then it is up to me to get these thoughts under control and heal so we can continue to build our relationship. We both want to work through this. We're not even close to the door. We in fact have been able to recognize the unhealthy aspects and want to heal them together as a team. But where do I start now? I'm lost, overwhelmed by these images, and tired of fighting against the thoughts. I don't want to break up with him. Because I do recognize were not all perfect and he is trying to fix things.

I’m so scared that I’m attracted to kids n i don’t no what’s going on y does my brain so this makes me feel that I desire them I don’t no what’s going on

I WANT TO FUCKKNG PUNCH MY BROTHER HE MAKES THESE MOANS NOISE THAT ANNOYS ME S OMUCJ AND TRIGGERS My thoUGHTS I WANT TO SUFFOCATE HIM AND KICK HIS FACE

LONG POST ! “My flesh may fail , my God you never will . Give me faith to trust what you say , that you’re good and your love is greater , I’m broken inside , I give you my life “❤️ Song : Give me faith “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.” ‭‭John‬ ‭15:4‬ ‭NLT‬‬ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭NLT‬‬ http://bible.com/116/mat.11.28.nlt I wanted to point this out because I know that my Jehovah has done many things for me . He has protected me from falling into the lies of the devil ,from fearing the thoughts and to stop running away from God because he wants you as you are . He wants you to stay with him , without him we cannot beat this. He wants us to Go to him , lay it at his feet and fight the fight there at his feet . I have never felt more healed than when the spirit led me to give it to God during worship , I cried , at one point I screamed so much but not like screamed because of something getting out of me , but screamed out of anger , if everything that I kept in me , the feelings of being trapped by not only my mind but my sins . I let go of everything that night , and i wasn’t the only one yelling. The spirit came down and it poured in as we poured out (also to mention that this took several weeks , weeks of worship , get into reading the word again, being in fellowship , being taught by my leader, but coming to God and actually speaking to him . Every Friday I went to youth during worship he taught me something new. He let me pour out onto him so he can pour unto me . Took fighting , took prioritizing spending time with him , accepting this was affecting me , and that I needed GOD . ) He wants us to take the 1st step , and just a little step in seeking him , he will meet you there he won’t just go little by little like us but he will meet you there . Everyday take baby steps towards GOD , not the concept of him but God himself , and just like the prodigal son , your father will come running to you ❤️ If we don’t let the light in , the darkness will stay . Come to God , give him this battle , he will show you , that he is God , that those thoughts are not greater than him . He will humble you , because at the end of the day we are all still sinners , and no one is righteous . But my His love and grace we can come to him , because of his son Jesus Christ who made a way . Stay blessed , and how do you stay blessed ? You let God grow you , use you , you stay in him . He will provide, protect and give you peace . ?? I know we think “ no no how can going to God just cure me of this ?” I think I had the same idea when I was getting back to my faith that I came in with a heart of here’s my problem let me tell you how to fix it because obviously there’s only one way to fix it . But that’s not the case, God does heal , but you need to be in him , go to him , seek him , “come to me “ he said , “ seek me “ , “remain in me” and after the command he give you his promise of “and I will give you rest “ , “ and you shall find me” , “and I will remain in you “ . He’s more than willing ! He gives and gives , he gave his SON , there is nothing our father cannot do . So trust him that he can handle this mess in our heads he can handle them better than we can trust me . Bless up ?? hope this helps someone , everything I have learned is thanks to God . And everything I have up to this point is because of him including my peace of mind , and when days come where I give in to the fear of the thoughts or having them again , AGAIN I SEEK , again HE IS FAITHFUL. .. remember He loved us 1st, he chose us 1st , because we didn’t love him 1st and we didn’t choose him 1st . So glory to God I’m thankful that I can actually look back at all I have learned , I’m grateful for this post , I grateful for HIM . May this help someone .

I know i am talking to strangers at the moment so it is weird to me to do this but behind the strangers I feel there might be also people as me with their own problems who may understand me. I need to leave this somewhere. I have a really hard time making my own decisions in general. whether it is leaving my relationship or speaking to my boss, I need ussually a lot of reassurance. I don’t feel safe with my own decisions, and I am always afraid of making a mistake or missing of the multiple factors to take into account. I have the feeling this ruins my life. I have an incredibly close relationship with my mother, which is my ancor and the only person that truly was there for me when I needed someone. I have many friendships but unfortunately due to many reasons they were never fully close friendship, of that type you can call when you feel your lowest. I moved frequently from place to place, currently in a foreign country, where it is hard to meet new people. I am Spanish and we are naturally quite warm hearted people, and its hard for me to click sometimes with other different types. I am 25 and as I see myself transitioning into adulthood, i see myself so weak and unfit to deal with the hardships of life. I lost my dad 2 years ago, and my mom, now 63, just the thought of losing her made me feel the most alone person in the world. I would prefer to die if she was gone. I have been thinking about it and crying bitterly for 2 hours. Ocd turns me into a weak and insecure person, overanalizing, undervaluing myself and makinf my life a hell. In life you have to be so strong and practical, i feel ocd is making me handicapped. I feel nowadays friendships are so superficial, there is no time after work for Anything, it is so hard to deal with life. No one understands ocd excepts my mom, that saw the same problem in my dad. I feel without her I will be unableto go on. I wish i had good friends i could call and give a hug. I have the feeling society is so fake and superficial, and no one opens up completely, just ‘enough’ to make it seem like a good thing, but it really isn’t. Nothing I find compare to the trust of someone i could call at any time, like my mother. I would like to have that type of friend in my life. A person that has my back and that really cares about me. Its a shame. I wonder if anyone has ever felt like me, but with the passing of the years I feel more disappointed to see that I know a lot of people, but nothing is meaningful and everyone looks for their own interest. I hope someday I will find someone i can call a friend. Right now I feel so lonely on my struggle and so afraid to lose my mom.

Hi, my name is Michelle, I’m 28 years old. I have generalized anxiety, panic attacks and harm OCD. My harm OCD is the worst thing in the world in my opinion. I constantly worry that some how I am going to like loose touch with reality and harm my children in violent ways or that I will eventually want to harm them because of my intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Sometimes I’m really scared to be around them when this happens. I love them more than anything in the world and I hate feeling this. I feel alone and that I’m literally going to go “crazy” and loose my children if I talk to a doctor about it.

I can’t take living with my ocd kid anymore.

I feel like I’ve lost my identity and I don’t even know who I am anymore. My OCD is saying I’m not a woman but I hate that. And I fear that it isn’t OCD, and that I just genuinely am trans or gender fluid or something. I just can’t accept that no matter how hard I try. All I want is to feel like myself again. Pronouns are a trigger for me and they’re literally EVERYWHERE. It’s just so difficult. In a way, I miss having harm OCD or existential OCD or even health OCD because atleast I was still me. But it isn’t fair to say that because as I was going through them, they were awful. The grass is always greener I guess. I’m just feeling a little bit hopeless and alone, because I don’t think ‘gender questioning’ is a very common theme.