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the NOCD Community

I’ve had OCD from a really young age with obvious symptoms. I always wonder, “why didn’t my parents do anything to help? Why wasn’t I taken to a psychologist?” It makes me so mad to feel like my OCD could have been prevented, and it really sparks resentment towards my parents :-( can anyone relate or provide advice?

Does anyone feel like they’re wasting their life away with mental illness? It depresses me so much everyday. My mental health has ruined my life since I was 15 and now I’m approaching 24 and am still in the same place- actually worse. I feel like when I get my life together I’ll be 28 and all my good years would’ve passed. It just makes me so sad 😔

This really fucking sucks rn I feel like I’m a lesbian and I want it When I truly don’t want these thoughts or to be with a girl. I don’t want to want girls either. I want guys. I want butterflies and those romantic, giddy feelings for guys not girls. I want to fall in love with a guy. I want to want guys and not have my fucking mind telling me they’re gross. I’m so jealous of girls that are so attracted to guys and have bfs cause I want that I hate this so much :( I don’t know how to get better I’m even uncomfortable at the thought of being sexual with manly guys now as well :( (Do any of y’all any experience that?)

I dont want to give up women because of this. But nearly every guy looks attractive. Why is this ?

Hello everyone, my name is Cameron Harris. In early February of this year I developed OCD. My OCD was revolved around my sexual orientation. I would do compulsions all day and night to rid me of my intrusive thoughts and sensations. It was horrible. On March 30th I built up the confidence to google what I was experiencing. What popped on the screen were 3 letters...”OCD.” I was relived but terrified at the same time. The next morning I told my Mom and Stepfather that I believe I have OCD around my sexual orientation. They were both confused and kept saying “but you’re not gay...?” I kept reassuring myself saying “I know I know but my thoughts won’t stop, I can’t stop thinking about it.” I burst out in tears because I was so terrified. I began looking at OCD YouTube videos on how to recover. I realized to stop the thoughts you have to stop the compulsions and do this thing called “ERP.” I had no idea what that was and began researching more. I started creating my own exposures and learning what mental and physical compulsions were. I began exposing myself and felt accomplished but I was still suffering. In late April I began the theme of “what if I never recover from OCD.” I was miserable. I had no idea how to expose myself and stop these new thoughts and began compulsively watching OCD recovery videos to make sure I was recovering just right. In early May my mother recommended I find a support group. I began researching and came across NOCD. I told my mom and at first she was a bit iffy because it was online therapy. I begged and begged and finally she agreed. I had my first appointment on June 2nd and began therapy with NOCD. The next 2 months of therapy were tough. I was doing exposures everyday for an hour. Listening to my scripts over and over and over. It came to the end of August and was still dealing with my obsessions but my anxiety was at a 1 to these thoughts and I said these magic words to myself...”Why was I so worried about this?!” From then on life has gotten so much better and had my monthly check in yesterday. My thoughts and significantly decreased as well as my anxiety levels in general. I still have the thoughts pop in about me being gay like once or twice a day and most likely 20-30 thoughts about recovery a day. I now wake up everyday appreciating how great life can be. I truly thank NOCD and all of you for your love and support. A happy normal life is possibly without being tortured by OCD. Anyone can get over it with time and hard work. If anyone has any questions for me let me know. God bless. - Cameron

It’s honestly just dawn on me that my fondest memories growing up all involved my dad and I. I just have bad memories of my mom and I as a kid. She would always say no to me and my dad would always say yes to me. My dad growing up bought me my first football, my first bat and glove, my first soccer ball and basketball, even my first hockey stick, even my first roller blades and bike. Yeah I was that kid growing up. No kid my age could keep up with me and I always hung out with kids who were older than me. It feels as if ever since my dad left me as a young adult I lost a piece of who I am. I feel like if I ever get the call that my dad passed away I’d breakdown and cry and to be honest if my mom dies I don’t think I would feel the same idk. I guess only time will tell what my reactions would be when that happens.

Anyone here have OCD and ADHD? I heard it’s highly comorbid and well... I want some friends to relate to,,

My OCD started when my grandfather died when I was 16. I was traumatized. Nobody knew what OCD was in my family so it was extremely difficult. I was scared, still is because it can be consuming. It is the most difficult thing that I've experience to this day. The truth is I know, I know the intrusive thoughts, I know all about OCD but I just cant stop it. The intrusive thoughts are a bitch.

Hi! I have OCD in a few different subtypes. Even when my brain isn't stuck on those scary obsessions and compulsions, it seems like it is getting stuck on every thought that comes in. Like my brain is constantly and very intensely trying to find problems to solve all throughout the day no matter what I'm thinking about, even if they aren't specific OCD thoughts. It's super exhausting! Is this a common thing with OCD? Does anyone else experience this?

i’m wondering if anyone has any tips for my predicament. My OCD often comes up as anxiety and stress increases in the form of skin picking. I deal with acne and just started a new birth control to to help control this but currently i have a lot of acne. I am in nursing school and COVID has really made my life more difficult. it’s hard to me to resist picking at my skin because it helps release some stress. pimples makes me feel dirty, and i want my skin to look perfect. any suggestions on how to combat this?

I can’t believe how one fucked up ERP session has fucking turn my whole world upside down smfh. It’s like what’s the point anymore? I just hate how my life has ended up now smfh. All these stupid thoughts that come up is fucking irritating. On top of that I got a bum shoulder so I can’t workout.

How do you guys manage telling your family about your ocd? I left a book with notes from therapy in it and one of my family members went in my room while it was open. Now I'm freaking out they read it. I'm scared to talk about my sexual orientation OCD to anyone in my family because I worry they won't get it.

This is going to be a long post. Having a rough morning. Woke up scared again, anxious about my work day (haven’t been to work in like 5 days) I’m Worried right now because my POCD thoughts have morphed into something new....HOCD. Specifically the harming of kids. I really started thinking about it yesterday as I was think about my POCD. I remember going back to my memories and remembering a couple of times when I saw a video of a mom abusing her kid/harming him. I got a groinal response and started feeling uncomfortable as if I was enjoying watching it. So last night i started thinking about that memory and some other one and thought to myself “ maybe you would enjoy harming/torturing children or your unborn child(am Currently pregnant) since then I have mostly thought about this new thoughts. It feels so real like I would want to commit those acts and enjoy committing them if I did. I don’t want to have these thoughts or I don’t think I would be questioning why I feel this way. Or hell who knows. My thinking is all over the place. So now at this moment I am Not overtly concerned about my POCD I am now concerned about this new thoughts. It’s to the point where instead of finding reasons why I wouldn’t enjoy them., I’ve thoughts of reason why I might. I don’t want to think this way or feel this. I feel like if I let this new thought really take over like I’m going to become this abuser and find a way to “indulge in it” if my urges or thoughts get stronger. I would like to add that while I did have those couple of memories where I watched a couple videos on FB , they did make me uncomfortable and cause me groinal response and almost like an attraction to them. I didn’t even finish watching the videos because I got uncomfortable and slightly scared. Also I’ve never hurt a child and never thought or fantasized about hurting a child. I have been around my friends kids and such and those thoughts never popped up when I was with them I never felt urges with them about harming them. After watching those videos I did think to myself “why did u feel that way?” But I didn’t question it too much. I guess now Looking back on as many memories as I can remember having to do with a child due to my POCD ...brought on these new thoughts. Also I don’t feel like I am As stressed about em. This all just feels so real to me These wants, urges. As before with my PCOD thoughts, I feel Slightly anxious, I have a restless leg and I have some worries and fears but now as Panicky or anxious as I would expect to feel. What the f**k is wrong with me. I feel like I have this darkness inside of me.

morning all! it’s been awhile since i’ve been on the app but i wanted to share 2 poems i wrote for my creative writing class about ocd: the first is the illness and the second is the results of treatment. i thought this might be relatable/inspiring to a lot of you on here and i’m really proud of them, so i would really appreciate if you could take the time to read it and give feedback! thanks guys, i love you all :) poem #1 good morning. remember what you did last night? didn’t think so. go get some breakfast. don’t drink the milk, what if there’s something wrong with it? i said don’t drink the milk, you never know. good. eat quickly, your life is on the line. go back to your room and get changed. why can’t you just relax? don’t straighten your hair today. it would be far too tempting to burn yourself. what if you suddenly want to burn yourself? better lock it up and out of sight. just in case. drive to school. go twenty-three miles over. what if someone is following you? or what if the buildings on either side of the road explode? you want to be far away from the blast. someone is following you. what if someone is following you? sit down at your desk. someone clicks their pen. take it from them and break it. no? hurt them. think about it. you know you want to. you know you want to. you know you want to. no you don’t.   you’re so defiant. what if you do? maybe you do. ~~ poem #2 good morning. you slept well last night for the first time in a while. you had a dream about a pretty girl and a picnic. go get some breakfast. you can swallow, no lump in your throat. take your time, savor it. you can go back to your room and get changed now. your footsteps fall swiftly, easily onto the floor. your straightener sits on the counter in the bathroom. what if you suddenly want to burn yourself? you don’t respond anymore. my grip softens. you drive to school. you go five miles over. you admire the magnificent streaks of sunrise in the sky and reflect on a time when it nearly wasn’t enough to make you stay. is it enough for you now? it’s more than enough. you sit down at your desk. someone clicks their pen. the rustling of papers. you smile at the person next to you and they smile back. crinkled eyes, a spark of joy, a sigh of relief, you made it.   you made it. what if you hadn’t? but you did.

please help!!! :( Okay so like i'm in a relationship and i really love my partner so since i used to have another ocd theme i started to immediately think that i have rocd, which i'm positive that i don't since i only have small doubts, the thing i worry about the most is either i have rocd or not , so i worry if i have to " stop doing compulsions " but i get confused if they even are compulsions..? so like yeah :(I really just want to be happy with my partner :(1 love them so much :( Normally it's normally just thoughts like " what if they don't like me because im weird" but i just avoid doing any compulsions but they don't really bother me so im confused

I cant believe this is happening to me

I’m so nervous... I have a psychiatrist appointment in a few days so I can start on meds. I’m fucking terrified. My hypochondria is through the roof but I really could use something to take the edge off my anxiety so I can focus on doing things. I haven’t even been vaccinated because of my hypochondria and because of my mothers constant fear mongering shit. Anything to do with modern medicine solutions she gets me to feel anxious about it and tries to say they do more harm than good and it fucks with my head since I’m already telling myself that shut 24/7 and to have someone else say it to you too and enforce the ideas... it makes me so fucking angry and upset. I want to take meds. I want to get vaccinated. Those are two things that are extremely difficult for me to do and I wish that they weren’t because they’re so simple.

I remember getting butterflies in my chest/stomach area when I was 15 to a gay scene from an anime that was playing in the anime club at my high school. I remember being anxious and nervous the first time I saw it and I avoided the series and I never talked about the incident. I never questioned my sexuality after that either, as I had a crush on a girl at the time. This event happened before my HOCD kicked into high gear. My HOCD is telling me that since I got butterflies to that gay kissing scene, it means that I’m gay or bisexual in denial and I’m currently scared for my sexuality and my identity because of this.

i just want these horrible disgusting thoughts to stop, i cant even be happy anymore! i cant even live my life! they’re so debilitating and horrific that they stop me from loving myself or being myself because i feel too guilty and upset with my own self to love myself. i never asked for this, i never would ever ever think of these things but somehow my mind TURNS SO DARK and i feel so uncomfortable being in my own body. death sometimes seems easier than this...i am not suicidal but my ocd tells me i am everyday, it’s like whatever thought i say to myself to reassure like “no i am a good person! i don’t want this thought!” my ocd will stab me in the back and say “ur not a good person! ur lying! ur actually evil! good people don’t think this way! u should die!” and i get so scared...like i am a lie, everything i say or do is a lie...everyone around me is being “fooled” by me...but i feel like i am just trying to get through life, i have no evil intent, i couldn’t even hurt a fly LITERALLY i like cant even hurt flies because i feel a sense of guilt...i am so upset with myself and the way i let my ocd take over my life like this. i go on a trip in 3 days with my best friends and i want to let go and have fun and forget about my intrusive thoughts and not feel evil or disgusted...i am so broken I AM SO BROKEN! how does one come back from such a dark place and such evil intrusive thoughts, i feel traumatized by my own intrusive thoughts.

Im really starting to doubt starting medication. Like ssri’s all i hear is it makes u fat, lazy and when you stop taking them you are a mess. Im terrified because i dont want to regret taking them but i know i need them :(