Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I hope everyone is doing well! I’ve been doing better and my anxiety levels have gone down even though I still have the intrusive thoughts which I am happy about because it makes it easier for me to respond in a healthier way. I was doing an exposure and was playing the “choices/episodes” game and I do the lgbt episodes because I have hocd. I always get a little anxious while playing and constant thoughts about “what if I want this” “im aroused when it gets sexual, what if that means I want to be sexual with a woman and I’m not attracted to my boyfriend/don’t want to be sexual with him” these are the ones I’m struggling with and really just trying to sit with the anxiety. It doesn’t help that ocd has affected my sex drive/libido so it’s constantly attacking that as “evidence.” I’ve held off trying to post about it for sneaky reassurance and compulsive reasons. I just would love some advice to keep sitting with it and letting the thoughts be there without freaking out?

so i’ve had the NOCD app for about 15 months, and I’ve been posting on there every 30-60 days about HOCD. But what’s weird is I hadn’t had a proper “episode” before my most recent (34 days ago) since December 2018, which lasted more or less until August of 2019 when i left for college. Still, I’ve been posting on there looking for reassurance sporadically. Is me posting (even though it’s irregular) a compulsion?

just been triggered by someone saying "are you sure its harm OCD" now extremely anxious as I'm always thinking what if it's not OCD? what if I actually want to do these things. sometimes looking for support makes it worse 😔

i’m not doing therapy, no way in the world. how are you to tell me women have realised they were gay/bi after HOCD. how is that even possible. where they even ever straight then. ffs. I HATE EVERYONE SO MUCH FUCKING HATE MY LIFE I WISH I COULD JUST BE BOOTED UP TO JUPITER AND JUST STAY THERE FOREVER AND NOT SEE ANYONE EVER AGAIN. FUCK.

I did something a long time ago that I didn't realize was so bad at the time until a long time later, one night I was about to go to sleep and I remembered doing that thing. It was something I did willingly but it didn't cross my mind at the time at all that what i was doing was so wrong and I didn't know it was that bad if that makes sense. I feel so terrible the guilt is eating me up. I don't know what to do. I would never ever make that same choice or mistake again but its really upsetting me... I'm a Christian and I try to pray about it I even talked to my parents about it they told me to let it go but why is it so hard to?

I’ve seen so many people, particularly women, who realized they were bisexual through HOCD. Also, I don’t have intrusive thoughts- I never have. It’s more like a paralyzing feeling, followed by rumination, checking, groinals, etc. How the fuck can I have OCD without intrusive thoughts? I really believe that Ive duped everyone into believing I have this illness all because I have horrible internalized homophobia and cannot accept myself. I’ve watched lesbian porn, I’ve masturbated to the thought of a girls body (one time), I used to watch lesbian kissing videos as a kid (along with other sexual videos that I just stumbled on), I worried I had a crush on a girl when I was 11 (before hocd), and this theme has been on and off for me for 7 fucking years. I feel like at first I was just realizing I was bi/gay and couldn’t accept it, so I clung to this label of OCD. here’s the thing though- when I read the first article on HOCD i didn’t feel like everything clicked. it was like, “oh my gosh, I do a lot of these things but not all of them” and then i tried to do MORE of the symptoms (like avoiding gay TV) I think I was just really concerned about figuring out if I was gay or not, but also, when I first imagined sexual scenarios with men and then women, I got the groinal to the female scenarios but not the men. FROM THE BEGINNING. isnt that not hocd??

When you wake up do you really feel like you don’t love your partner anymore....every day it like that..

Today was the worst day. I finally got tired of fighting with the anxiety and said I'm just not going to try and figure this out anymore. I worry I'm not handling this the right way. I feel like I gave myself reassurance earlier because it got so bad. Before I was able to tolerate uncertainty better, today feels like not at all 😥

If thoughts are just thoughts and feelings are just feelings, why do we do anything? Or how can I tell what I really want?

Really nervous and getting intrusive thoughts from talking to this one guy on the internet So there’s this internet friend that I’ve had for a while now. I always thought that I had a lot in common with him, so automatically my HOCD gives me the thought “you might make a good couple”. Today, he messaged me, and though I was already nervous, my heart starting pounding when I found out that not only do we have similar interests, he has high-functioning autism just like me. Now there was even more to reinforce that idea about us making a good couple, and it was making me freak out. I honestly don’t know why talking to this guy in particular makes me so anxious. Maybe it’s because of the thought exercise above, and because this isn’t an ugly dude either. I am aware that trying to prove that it’s not because I actually have a crush on him or whatever is counterproductive. Just wanted to vent about this.

Anyone with emetophobia on here right now? (Fear of throwing up)

⚠️TW: PORN⚠️ someone please give me tips on stopping to watch porn. it makes my intrusive thoughts worse and also makes me insecure about my body🥲

I took an “am i bisexual quiz?” about 6 weeks ago, 2 weeks before my HOCD relapse. was me taking that quiz a compulsion? (i got straight as my answer) for background, I have suffered from this theme on and off for 7 years, since I was 12. not looking for reassurance, trying to weed out the compulsive behavior the remains after an episode.

Do you think social media (Instagram specifically) can be harmful when in a crisis or in a period of time where OCD is particularly strong and present? I deleted Instagram from my phone because it felt like it implied exposure to too many triggers.

Could anyone help?? Basically I kinda see everyone as just humans. And this is hard with my OCD because firstly, when it comes to gender, a lot of non-binary people see things similarly and that’s how they realised they were non-binary. And the fact that I see logic in their perspective on how we’re all just people is really scary to me. Secondly, it’s hard with sexual orientation OCD as I worry I could fall inlove with anyone, for their brain and personality not gender. And I think this is good, but it’s hard with OCD. I do feel more attracted to men physically (though I often doubt this). On the whole, I always thought it was kinda cool how I saw people as people, labelled by society and stuff. But now I’m scared that this means my own identity is compromised. I don’t know what to do. It feels like I just have to accept I’m no -binary and pan sexual!!!

Any tips for taking care of yourself when you're very fucking depressed? My habits are really bad these days, I don't exercise, I eat like shit, I don't sleep well, I'm just on screens all day long. I don't know how to stop because I don't see any point but at the same it's just making me feel worse about myself..

I had a hard session. I told my therapist I think how I imagine sex is weird. She said I should do some exposures and whatever I think or feel about sex or whatever I feel towards a man or a woman is ok. Just be accepting without analysis and sit with the feelings. I know it will be helpful, but I'm massively triggered! I'm scared to do the exposure because (I'm a woman) and I feel like I feel alot of sexual feeling towards women and I'm afraid to face them. I feel so afraid it will be true by doing this. My OCD is like this is the biggest proof and how could you have ignored this the whole time?! I feel like an idiot! When I think of sex I'll usually be triggered by women or a feeling of arousal that I have and then I think of sex. It gets confusing because I don't know if I want to think of a woman, but I don't feel much towards guys. I don't have alot of fantasies about men and I rarely feel arousal towards them. Or if I do think of sex with a guy I'm having thoughts about womens boobs and feeling like I'm aroused. I never really think of doing to a guy. [No offense to any men] But, I have felt disgust and even uninterested in their bodies. I have felt aroused by the act of sex with a guy but I have alot of confusing feelings. I just feel like a crazy person right now and I feel really triggered. How could I think I'm straight if I'm feeling this way? I just feel like I've pushed all this aside for along time and haven't examined it at all. I just needed to vent and get this out.

About to give up no one understands me

any tips on how to recognize compulsions? those mental compulsions lists you can find on the internet are great indicators for sure but they're kinda too vague in my opinion. like what does "mental rumination" truly look like. i don't even think that all people have the same compulsions. so im asking, is there a way to know what counts as compulsive behavior? i hope this isn't too confusing

everyone says I’m the only one who can know my sexuality, but I feel like I KNOW i’m bisexual. I can’t do this. please kill me.