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I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't afford therapy anymore. I don't know what's happening. I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know how to manage my OCD anymore. It's out of control

It feels like my OCD has latched onto something else now. All of the things I generally did on the internet in my teen years. It's always about my teen years since I guess I still am a teen. The OCD is beginning to mainly target porn videos I watched and other horrible things I remember seeing whether it'd be on youtube, Twitter, instagram, facebook, and even adult sites. Or at least the wrong sites of all of those things. Usually, when these terrible things come up, they are usually trending, whether it'd be someone dying, a crime, or something disturbing for the average person. I remember seeing things like these and being disturbed in the moment, but I was able to move on at he time. Now, everything is coming back. It's all hitting me at once. It's repeating left and right and I always worry whether or not because I've seen videos like those, it'll mean something about me or target my likelihood of things. Twitter had it the absolute worst. There I found someone being blown away by a shotgun, a hit and run from actual camera footage (I really don't know how people find things like these and I don't want to know. Even safe meme pages I follow now show things from cam footages in the outside world), beastiality, CP accounts, and worrying if I've seen damaging content on those adult sites. With the limited knowledge I had when it was me and my porn addiction, I always assumed that content uploaded to porn sites that were accessible all had consent in them, besides the obviously illegal videos like ones with children in it. I feel like a terrible person for being into porn for as long as I was. I feel bad that I was accidentally exposed by it. I feel bad that I felt like it was something people had to look at in order to fit in and understand what life would be like growing up. Most of all, I feel confused. I'm always confused about sexual things. I'm confused about my sex life, what I want in a girl, and I'm confused if it'll even happen. I'm also confused about all those videos I've seen. We're they all consentual? Legal? Safe for the people who participated? I don't blame viewers of material that can be scattered all over the place, but when it comes to flat out threathening videos and pictures that can be found behind the scenes, I blame the ones in possession to sharing non verified content, especially if they can get somebody hurt. But I'm feeling so awful because I may have watched people get hurt and not realized it until it was too late. I'm not certain of the past or the future when it comes to these things. My OCD wanders like a roller coaster when trying to figure out all of the events that are real, fake, detrimental, life changing, or hurtful. But, I do know this: Browsing all of this social media is a both a bless and a curse. Much like life itself, there's a good and bad in everything. Nothing is perfect, as much as we want them to be. There's the mistakes, big or small, and there's the fulfillments, big or small. All I know is that continuing on, I don't want pornography in my life, and I don't want to try and figure out everything all at once. And that's okay. I just want my mind to let go. Let go of everything. Let go of the past. Let go of the worries. Let go of the predictions. Just to relax for once. I don't know where we'll all end up in the future, and that's fine. Only the present matters. And that's all we can control.

Has anyone gotten intrusive thoughts that they’re secretly polyamorous when they never thought about that and always assumed they were monogamous?? Is this just denial or am I discovering my true self or smthg?!?

So I don't know if others know about the controversy pornhub and other adult sites have got themselves into, but it's giving me a lot of mixed signals. More bad than good, and reading about what's been going on makes my skin crawl and it makes me shake. A YouTube channel had uploaded their own commentary on the matter and I couldn't watch it. I went straight for the comments for what people has to say. A lot of them, like people do in society used to watch porn, not being aware of what was behind the scenes including myself. All the video checking these sites have done, with half of them being connected to r#pe, child exploitation, fetishizing groups, raw footage and illegal counterparts getting passed tags were all seriously concerning. Even verified videos didn't provide the fullest of consent with hired actors and actresses. Things like this are why I hate that I was exposed to porn, even hooked on the matter like a drug. There were videos that I've seen that were over the top, exaggerated, taken to extreme measures whether real or animated. At the time of browsing videos like these, my limited knowledge wasn't focused on whether or not the videos had consent or not because I along with many I assume has the impression that they all consented to the actions. Otherwise, why would they be uploaded to legal sites that "care" about the issue..? Hearing that a minor being assaulted with the video being put on these sites without her consent, kidnappings, molestation, or videos that don't even correspond to pornography ending up on these sites is triggering enough. While I don't necessarily blame pornhub entirely for horrible videos like these being posted all around, I do blame them for enabling the factor of hosting it in the first place. I feel sick. I feel dirty. I feel wrong. I feel like I've took part in something that harmed people. I feel like people who unintentionally just wanted to watch what they were attracted to, were unfortunately connected to something deeper than that. Worse than that in a sense. How could I along with many other people enjoy content like this when we are NEVER sure of the people in the videos doing it for fun or being hurt? How will we ever be sure of their ages in the video? How will we ever be sure if it's raw footage or not? I don't think viewers will ever know. But to see that adult sites are being hit with things like this is a form of a win, in the sense that victims need to be protected. This hurts both victims and sex workers of the adult material. And the viewers. I've wanted to cut pornography out of my life completely because I wanted to be lifted from an addiction and better myself. I wanted to go back to reality and not use the internet for erotic thrill. It was one thing to have used this as unsure experience in my adolescence, but it's not something I want to continue with anymore. I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel like I've done something horrible with watching videos like these just because I thought it was something I had to do to fit in and grow up with.

lately i have been feeling suicidal because my ROCD is so overwhelming and It is ruining my relationship. I cannot take this anymore. why do i suffer

anyone else had this start at 12?

I’m going through a difficult situation. I believe or I’m convinced that my right hand is contaminated, probably with Covid. Before I realized that I touched part of my face. Then when the fear and doubt had invaded me I just stood still. Not wanting to move because I could contaminate parts of the house. Three hours later, I’m sitting in my bed with my right arm extended so it doesn’t touch anything. I don’t know what to do. Should I wash my hand or should I refuse?

My therapist told me she didn't want me to do a certain exposure task I asked her if I should do. However, I forgot to ask her if she wanted to me "test it out" instead. Now, I'm worrying that even though she didn't want me to do it for exposure, what if she wanted me to "test it out".

I’m no longer scared of attraction to women. I’m afraid I’m not attracted to men. I’ve never really enjoyed sex due to intrusive thoughts and fear and pressure. All I want is to enjoy it with my husband and ocd has convinced me otherwise. I just want it so badly and to think it’ll never come upsets me so much.

I make progreas and then take a giant leap back with OCD. I still feel like Im actually gay and not bi and I lying to myself about loving my BF. I feel disconnected with him, I lost attraction for men and only nitce women. It has to be OCD. I went a good chunk of my life in anytbing, thinking I was straight because I didn't find women attractive alot. Now im here

🎄 If anyone has Scrupolosity OCD, Moral OCD or Existential OCD I would love to help you! I can share with you my story and testimony. I hope it offers hope!! And to make you feel less alone. I am here to chat and would love to offer any help I can with this daily suffering. I am posting this every day till Christmas. Even if it helps one person it is so worth it! 🎄

Hi everyone! Kyle here. I wanted to share a little story and see if any one of you have experienced this as well. When my intrusive thoughts began, it started with POCD. That overtook my life for a few months, and finally after doing research I found out it was OCD. Once I found that out, I began doing more research into OCD and came across all the subtypes. Well - as I got familiar with more subtypes, my OCD saw that as an opportunity to grab on to those. So just from reading, I absorbed Harm OCD. My intrusive thoughts switched so fast from POCD to Harm OCD it was shocking. I couldn’t believe I was now having those thoughts. After that, I read about Suicidal OCD and it jumped to that. From there, I read about Existential OCD, and that became my main obsession. Has anyone else had this experience?

OCD sufferers, do any of you feel jealous that others around you aren't going through what you are going through?

Just here to share some hope. I started intensive ERP on November 30th, immediately after discovering my likely diagnosis of ROCD, and after just 2.5 weeks of 1 to 2 hours a day (every day) and extremely strict internal protocols for responding to obsessions, my overall anxiety has plummeted. It used to be that I couldn't look at a photo of my person without my whole body exploding with anxiety and terror. Now, she can text me or pop up randomly on my feed and I feel only a little twitch, I'm no longer jumping when my phone buzzes, and for the first time in maybe 6 or 7 months today, I finished ERP and felt excited to see her - out of the blue. I've felt almost exclusively anxiety at the thought, or at least partially. But today right after crying about an upsetting imaginal exposure, all I thought was, I can't wait to see her again. And the thing is, who knows if it'll last. Who knows if it's fleeting. That's the whole point. All I know is that I felt it, and it came from a completely internal place, and I didn't ask for it or look for it. This stuff really works. I'm just here to encourage everyone to continue doing the thing EVERY DAY, even when you're feeling good/okay, or when you're feeling burned out. Do it. I'm rooting for you.

My mind keeps telling me to tell my gf im bi 😞. Anyone gone through a similar thing ?

Hocd is flairing up again.. It's a real nightmare... Why does it feel like I don't give a shit anymore and that I'll like it once I do it. I don't want this

Hi everyone! I wanted to talk about how OCD doesn’t take a holiday break, even during “the most wonderful time of the year”! This is your reminder that it is okay to be struggling right now. The holiday season puts a lot of pressure on us, and that can make things even harder for those of us who are living with OCD. Your NOCD clinician is there to help you, and us member advocates are here for you, too!

i don’t have the thoughts as bad today, i know i’m straight and i like boys only, but why do i feel so hopeless and depressed about it? like i’m so sad and can’t picture a future and some of my thoughts are like well it’s because your really bisexual but i know that’s not what i want but idk why i just feel so hopeless and depressed like i want to love a boy and have a family but i can’t even picture anything:(

Hi everyone. I'm in the midst of a relapse right now, and I wanted to say that OCD really fights dirty. Keep your heads up, stay strong, and good luck to all of you.

Hello Warriors! I just wanted to stop by to say that I have been diagnosed with OCD for over 15 years, but I have struggled with it my entire life. ( I am 28 years old.) I only learned about ERP therapy this year... Yes y’all, THIS YEAR! I searched all over my area to find an ERP specialist that was either in network, or affordable. I could not find one. I happened to be on the IOCDF’s website and came across NOCD. I hit the book a free call button and never looked back! If you have any questions about being connected to care through NOCD, or my ERP Journey, feel free to ask in the comments below!