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Just ranting because I need to get it out but it definitely could be a trigger for some so I’m marking it just in case❤️ So I have yet to be professionally diagnosed with OCD (covid makes it difficult to see someone to help, but the appointment has been made and is coming up)... and this very well could not be OCD... but after falling down a rabbithole of googling and searching trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me, I’ve come to the realization that I seem to relate heavily to SOOCD and ROCD. I’ve been diagnosed with GAD by my GP but it is so so much more than that. I moved out of my parents house a few months ago to go to school and start my own life. After a few weeks I felt like I didn’t have any control over anything that was happening and just couldn’t shake the anxiety and was obsessing over the fact that I didn’t have control over things I felt were important. This constant anxiety took a sharp left turn to attack both my sexuality and my (extremely healthy) relationship. I had a very very vivid intrusive thought about cheating on my boyfriend with a girl I was supposed to hang out with later that day. As you can imagine, that sent me spiraling. Trying to analyze and figure out what that thought meant just overtook my life. I’ve never questioned my sexuality before, always considered myself straight.... but that changed everything. That one thought now constantly plays in my mind and starts to try to connect itself to others.... which makes me constantly fear I’m actually gay and not the person I thought I was. Now it’s gotten to the point where I analyze the way I dress because I’m not “feminine” enough or because I do or like things that people have stereotyped with others being gay/bisexual. It’s even gone as far to attack my relationship with my best friend and thinking that I see her as more than that when I never have. Then I get triggered by words like “gay” or “lesbian” or anything that relates. I even get worried that my own family sees something in me that I have just been seemingly ignoring my entire life:( just writing this and seeing it out of my mind makes me so anxious. As you can imagine, this goes hand-in-hand when dealing with (what I believe is) ROCD. I love my boyfriend, I know that I do. We’ve been together for almost a year now and I know that in the part of my brain that is still me, I want a future with him by my side. But having these constant fears about my sexuality, I then started to doubt my relationship with him. I feel like I’m leading him on by telling him I do love him... and even doubting the fact that I ever loved him in the first place :( I hate questioning everything I thought I knew. Because now I can hardly recognize what thoughts are real and what aren’t. Feeling so guilty about having these constant thoughts that I feel like I have to confess all of them to him... which I’ve done multiple times but it doesn’t help much. (Thankfully he is amazing and isn’t willing to give up on me because he knows I’m really struggling with my mental health) I can’t even tell if I’m actually attracted to him anymore or not and that kills me because I know exactly what I want. He’s not someone I’m willing to lose:( These thoughts run CONSTANTLY in my brain and it’s genuinely ruining my life. I feel like I can’t do anything without obsessing and searching for answers and reassuring myself that they’re not my real thoughts. That I’m safe and that I do know who I am. My body and mind are so tired from the anxiety, I can’t get these thoughts to go away even when I try to sleep, and I feel like I’m pushing everyone away because I can’t tell who I am anymore. What scares me more than anything is that the therapists and doctors aren’t going to find anything wrong which is going to prove those thoughts right... or treatment/help isn’t doing to do anything and these thoughts are true. I just want to be back to the person I know that I am. Now I’m not searching for the reassurance because I know (If it really is what I think it is) it’s not helpful, but I definitely needed to get all of that out and off my chest since it feels like it’s eating me up inside... I don’t know where else to do that so... here we are😅 even if you don’t believe this to be OCD, any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you, if you did read thus far... that’s definitely not everything thats going on/that has happened, but it’s as much as my brain can handle spitting out. So sorry for rambling

Has anyone ever gotten the thought “what if I did x and didn’t realize it was wrong”? It started off as “what if I did x and forgot” but it’s kind of shifted into what if I didn’t realize? Anyone else?

i’m at one of the lowest points i’ve ever been at and i don’t know what to do. it’s been 6 months since this started. 6 months of horrendous thoughts every single day. i don’t know what to do. i feel like life is passing by me and i’m wasting my precious time. i don’t know what to do for treatment. i’m still a teenager and what if i’m like this for the rest of my life? i feel so lost.

I have an advice. Never, ever, take things on NoFap seriously. Especially ones about HOCD. Because they are all nonsense. It was a great trigger for me, but now I realize that how silly all those posts about HOCD are. They are not even not HOCD at all, according to some articles. (I also don't believe that they have hocd at all, they just sound as people who have some other issues rather than ocd). So, never take any of them seriously. Never read any posts on internet, even on ocd forums. First of all it is a compulsion, and secondly most of those sufferers are just self diagnosed who talks nonsense and it will trigger your brain. Much Love <3

How do I know it’s HOCD and nosy questioning? My obsession seems to have stemmed from questioning. I’ve had gay thoughts and fantasies and have looked at/masturbtaed to attarctive men/gay porn. But I’ve always been sure of my attarction to women. I’ve always considered myself straight, if not slightly bisexual etc. I’ve always been sure of my attraction to women. As I began obsessing on the possibility I was more attracted to gay stuff then straught stuff. It seemed I had lost my attraction to women, overnight. I wasn’t getting aroused at straight porn or photos of attractive women, all of which had previously aroused me. It seemed to happen in a day, ever since then my mind has been in distress. It’s been on my mind ever since, really stressing me out. The possibility I’ve lost my attraction is so scary and distressing to me. It’s on my mind 24/7. Because I know I might already have a slight attraction to guys, my mind is terrified that this could mean I’m fully gay. I’ve always been attracted to women now suddenly I’m scared I’m not and it feels so damn real. Does this sound like HOCD ? I’m really scared man

Hi guys. I really just need someone to talk to about all this. I think I may have OCD but I’m not sure and I’m so terrified and so sick of all of it. I recently had obsessions from the fear that I was a horrible horrible monster, a pedo, that and groinal responses made my life so horrible. I spent so much time googling and researching and what I was experiencing seemed to be POCD, it felt mild it didn’t occupy me at all times but when it did it was so horrible I felt so terrible I felt so sick. However I felt like I managted to deal with it, the intensity waxed and waned I guess. And it feels like it’s disappeared. Recently however I’ve been questioning my own sexuality, I’ve always been quite comfortable iwtg my sexuality. I understand that it’s a spectrum and while I identify as straight, I may find some men attarctive or enjoy some aspects of gay centric porn. I’ve occasionally had gay fantasies before and looked at/masturbated to gay fantasies or attractive men/some gay porn. I’ve always considered myself straight, if not slightly bisexual/her to heretoflexible or whatever. However recently it began troubling me I began to obsess whether I was enjoying gay things more than straight things. I have always been romantically and sexually attracted in women, that I was 100 percent sure of. With guys it was more of a questioning thing but girls always 100%. As I began to question all of this, I started obsessing I’d do so much research and have so many questions about it. And then one time I watched straight porn and I started obsessing on whether I really enjoyed it or not. Later when I looked at it again, I didn’t get aroused, in my mind I was attracted but physically in terms of erection I wasn’t. I kept looking at photos or videos of attractive women that had once aroused me but I was getting nothing. All the stuff I looked at that previously aroused me seemed like it was doing nothing, at one point I felt like I had no attraction at all. This made me start obsessing on whether I was truly sexually attracted to women, something that’s so scary to me for some reason. I’ve always been attracted to women always but how have I suddenly lost my attraction. This scares me even more as I have a girlfriend who I love very much and and have always really attracted to, we were together the other day and were very intimate and I really enjoyed it, and I was aroused during it. Yet when I looked at the same porn or photos or what not o still wasn’t getting aroused. I’m so scared that I’ve lost my attraction to women.I’m so terrified I’ve lost my attraction, I’ve always seen myslef with women and it feels so weird. I want to have this relationship with this girl and I really do desire it to be romantic and sexual, but what if it isn’t? The thought keeps lingering in my head, what if you would of enjoyed it more with a guy, and at times that really put me off. This fear this doubt keeps harassing my mind and I keep imaging scenarios where I end up being gay and I feel so terrible, what if I’m leading her on, what if I end up hurting her. I have no problem with attraction to guys, I’m pretty sure almost eveyone is slightly bisexual, one way or the other and I’m at peace with that. I’m scared that I’ve lost my attraction to women, while previously with my other scary obsessions, I didn’t want to be aroused, now o want to be aroused and it seems like it’s not happening. It seems like every gay experience/thougjt ive had is amplified 100 percent, while all my straight experiences are diminished. I’m not scared of being slightly attracted to guys but now I’m terrified I’ve lost my attarction to women. It’s constantly on my mind, 24/7. It makes me feel so sick and so distressed. And in my mind I’m not sure whether I’m questioning or it’s an obsession. It’s so scary, it genunuly feels like I’ve lost my attraction. I’ve done so much googling and research, I guess to provide redassurance but at times it’s made me more stressed Is this OCD or am I just questioning ? This all seemed to happen overnight, I’m really scared.

How old was you when you got your ocd. Is it even possible to get it at 34? Someone I knew was involved with something that seemingly triggered me. I am a dad and was normal in September, how can your life feel like it’s been stolen from you. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. Please can we have a discussion of how you best deal with it. People that have beaten it? I don’t want this ever.

I’ve been struggling and recovering from sexual orientation and harm ocd since 2012 on my own. Over the past couples years, my libido has gonna down so much that I don’t even think about dating anymore; I feel indifferent towards guys and dating. The indifference makes me think that I must be a lesbian since I’m not interested in any guys right now and then it’s the same never ending cycle of thoughts and wondering if that what’s my whole family thinks of me too. ::sigh:: this cycle gets exhausting. Hoping therapy helps

I feel like I wanna do stuff with my brother like once we were play fighting and his head was near my neck and his lips touched my neck it felt kinda good but I don’t want but my brain was like it feels good and maybe 10 mins ago I had thoughts of my brother and also urges wtf is wrong with me

I don’t know what to do. I’ve taken so many tests that have always come out as me being heterosexual; I’ve made a list of reasons why I am and why I’m not gay, and the reasons why I’m gay list has three points that are just that I find girls pretty and I liked the way my friend smelled when the reasons why I’m not gay list has so many points that literally proves I’m not gay; I’ve only ever been interested in sex with men and relationships with men; I’ve always fantasised about men and have always wanted to date and have sex with men, and I still can’t seem to prove I’m straight. I seem to be having a lot of groinal responses at the moment and I can’t help but think that I get turned on by girls when I don’t feel like this when I’m with my boyfriend. Although when I’m alone and am turned on, the only person I want to be with me is my boyfriend, and he’s the only person I think about. I don’t want to be gay, I don’t want to be bisexual. I don’t want it. I don’t want to like girls and yet I feel like I have to because I’m getting these responses when I don’t seem to get them with men. It’s ruining my Christmas and I’m fed up with it. I want to be straight, be happy knowing I’m straight, and enjoy my life with my boyfriend who I love very, very much. But I feel like I’m in denial and that I lie when I answer those sexual orientation questionnaires. I feel like I’m just lying to myself. I’m terrified that I’d like kissing a girl if I ever did it and I don’t want to ever like it because I don’t want that.

does anyone else’s SO-OCD start with sexual thoughts and then once you kinda habituated with those ones and came to a conclusion, they switched to romantic thoughts??? i’ve never thought ab actually dating a girl until now and it feels like i want too even thought i’ve only ever been sexually/romantically attracted to guys and love men

Having a really down day today. My ex girlfriend broke up with me in October and we planned so much to do for Christmas and now I’m spending it alone. She has already moved onto someone now and it just really irritates me because she told me she wanted to be single for awhile and was dating 3 weeks after we finished.

tmi warning last night I was having sex with my bf and a thought popped into my head that I'd rather be with a girl, I didnt get anxiety but I did feel uncomfortable, I'm bi so it makes it hard to deal with soocd. when I think about it I dont feel really anxious and panicky I feel okay with it, but I do feel uncomfortable at the thought of breaking up with him to be with a girl, any advice?

Hey guys can i talk to someone? I need some encouragement and advice

I'm turning 23 today, and it's almost 4am. I can't sleep and I'm ruminating about the last 4 or 5 years of my life. They've been filled with unemployment since I left school at 18. I'm studying online to get the qualifications I need to go to university to study law, but I cant stop obsessing that nobody is going to even take a look at me in the future. I've been technically unemployed since 18. In the eyes of world I am an absolute failure, in my eyes I've failed too. I am going to put in a good fight to achieve better, but I don't know if I'll ever be the person I dream of being. I keep having thoughts like "what if I just get sweeped away in the system?" "What if nobody ever employs me?" "Will these last 4 years hang over me for the rest of my life even if I get a law degree?" I'm going to work hard, harder than ever to pull myself out of all this darkness but in scared I'll find nothing on the other end. I'm scared in just another youth unemployment statistic. That I'll amount to nothing in the end.

recently broke up with a boyfriend who months ago i thought i could see myself marrying. while we did have a honeymoon phase where i was very happy, i'd had doubts about us the whole time. near the end it got so bad i never texted him first, didn't talk to him when we hung out in groups, and constantly made up excuses to not see him. eventually he saw through everything, and i ended up finding out i have ocd a couple weeks before we ended it for good. we had many long talks figuring out why i felt the way i did, and i recognized that most of my doubts were probably caused by my rocd. but i couldn't help myself from feeling like my doubts were my own conscious feelings, and were just right for me despite knowing it was technically a symptom of my disorder. i haven't even cried over him because i feel so relieved now, it makes me feel like a bad person. i've ended 3 other relationships due to these mysterious doubts before knowing i had ocd, and i can always feel it starting: i start getting anxious around them, dreading hanging out, getting annoyed by little things they do, thinking i'd be exponentially happier single, feeling the urge to end things and run away, etc. i hate hurting people i once liked or loved but i can't stop myself. has anyone with rocd successfully stopped these harmful thoughts and stayed in a long-term relationship, and ended up happy? i can't afford therapy as a 19-year-old, and i'm worried i may not ever find the "one right person" my brain makes me believe in. any tips for breaking the cycle of break ups and being hopeful for the future?

Hey friends! I was on this app for a year before I finally got the courage to start therapy, something that I am so grateful for now. Isn’t that crazy? Now I want to help you. If you haven’t yet, what is holding you back from starting?

false memory ocd is such a bitch

I really want somewhere to vent so this might take some time to read, sorry. I’ve had an awful morning. It feels like I’ve gone back a step in recovery because I’m feeling the same way I felt a couple months ago when my hocd was at its worst. I had completely convinced myself that I’d be better for Christmas (which I know is wrong to do but I couldn’t help it- I got through some difficult times by telling myself that). I’ve got family coming round tomorrow so we can celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and I’m scared I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel the same as I do today. This times last year I was perfectly fine and it’s depressing knowing that I’ll never be free of this again (I’m only 15 so having to face the rest of my life with ocd, especially hocd, horrifies me). I feel utterly trapped and hopeless as well as being convinced my intrusive thoughts are true because my ocd doesn’t seem as bad as everyone else’s. Yesterday I was doing so much better and now I’m a mess but for some reason it still doesn’t feel like I have ocd and this is all one big denial. I’m not sure what I expect anyone to say but I just felt the need to tell someone since nobody in my life knows what I’m going through right now. I just want to be ok for Christmas because I haven’t seen my family in a while. This is all so overwhelmingly isolating:(

There is this one thing that has been eating my head since morning, back when I didn't know that there is something like HOCD, I had tried CBT after watching videos about anxiety treatment cuz I could put a hand on it and tell that it was anxiety so during that time I used to everyday repeat it's okay if I am bisexual, even if its 2% it's okay. One of my bisexual friend told me that even if you are attracted to same sex like 2% then you are busexual but what I didn't get at that time was that busexual don't freak out if they find someone attractivee or even thought that someone was beautiful,where as I freaked the holy out of myself. So I did this exercise for a month and then when my bisexual guy friend asked me "Did you figure out what your SO is" I replied "I think I am bisexual but I don't want to do anything sexual or romantic with women" and my friendwent like then just go and check on internet weather there is some sort of another sexual orientation but there was no results and that totally meant then I was still obseessing over other what if I like my best friends and I started to avoid her and then when I saw this women on morning walk I got a strong groin and I freaked out and I got really confused and that was when i just googled and found that there is something known as HOCD. I know it was all the fault of the lack of information I had but mind is going like that you accepted that you are Bi this must mean that you are. If I was actually bi then I wouldn't have freaked put by the thought what if I like my best friend and I wouldn have freaked out and cried for hours and I wouldn't have freaked out after looking at the woman on the morning walk. But my mind is like bullying me and constantly saying that you accepted it you accepted it, but bisexuals want to date same sex and want to be physical with them and that is why my bisexual guy friend told me search web for some other sort of sexuality. Because busexuals want to be with both sexes but I didn't want that and not do I want it now and bisexuals don't get triggered after looking at girl and thinking they are pretty. My mind is constantly going like what if I am in denial, what if I just tricked myself into thinking that this is ocd. But if it wasn't OCD I wouldn't have related to it, and I would have not freaked out and searched google for phobia of being bisexual. This is eating my head off.