Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Can pure OCD make you ‘adopt’ the mindset of the type of thing you fear being? Like I’ve started thinking differently and I worry I’m perceiving the world how the group of people I fear being would.

Had a few good months. Although I am still not sure whether I have real event OCD or am just a horrible person, I managed to have quite a good daily life and could even talk about marriage again with my bf, which was a hard trigger before. Yesterday, while cleaning, I accidentally read a private sheet of paper, laying on his drawer. I glanced on it and looked righ away but I read something like an affirmation for an upcoming exam. In this second I got the urge again, to confess, to tell that I invaded his privacy, which I know he doesn't like. To confess my mistake and to let him know what kind of girlfriend he has, for he has a right to know and so on. Unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough to resist this compulsion so I told him in the evening. And after that it pretty much went downhill. All those questions that I stopped answering in those months popped back up and seemed as urgent as they could, I remembered more things I may have or have done wrong and that he "has a right to know" and I am devastated. It was so hard to get to a point where I could endure this thoughts even though they felt real. I feel like I have to start all over again now. It is so hard. I am from Germany, we are in a hard lockdown, I can't see no one and there is no perspective. I have to study but I can't anymore, I studied law and I should do more but all I can manage is watch TV and play video games so I don't have to listen to my mind. I am so tired, and now I feel like I am back to zero. OCD is such a bitch, if you give in one time it snatches right onto you again. I know that only a few of you are actually going to read all this, but I feel so lonely. I really try to cope with my mental health issues, but the lockdown makes it incredibly hard to do so. I know that I just need to do the same things I did before. Small steps, acceptance & commitment, accepting uncertainty. But maybe you could leave a few kind words or just any words at all. I just want to connect to people, I feel so isolated...

why did that first intrusive thought ever have to pop in my head 💔 now I'm a shell off a person who believes I actually want to be a bad person. I feel like I must be insane.

Day 16 since I cured myself from OCD. Feeling great and happy 😊 Good night sleep and no thoughts at all. Learned in my therapy how to turn off rumination. There is almost 9 inches of snow outdide. Excited to go out after I finish my coffee and breakfast. I wish everyone speedy recovery ⛷

Yeah I think I’m done. I’m just not going to try anymore. At least I got one good workout in before I finally give up. Even when my mind wants to get back up I’m just going to ignore it and stay miserable. It’s like I’m missing out on nothing or no one. It’s time for me to give up. I’m seriously for now on just going to stay in my room until I decide to finally die it’s pointless trying to fight people making me miserable and just be miserable. I’m done getting frustrated. If being miserable and killing myself is what will come of my life than so be it. I don’t care anymore.

Man I can’t go back to sleep smfh. I hate when this happens. I hate how sensitive my body is when someone looks at me. I can just feel a warm sensation on my back as if someone is staring at me smfh. Even took an antipsychotic but oh well. I guess I’ll stay up till I can’t anymore. Pretty much the only thing I can do.

I really messed up. I did checking compulsions twice this week. I looked up naked pics of guys. This is a huge trigger for me. I usually don't do compulsions like this. I look at the pictures and it ranged from disgust or just disinterest. I have felt before a little sexual arousal, but never alot. As time has gone on I just feel more an more convinced its true. It feels like it's not normal to feel nothing. I even feel like I don't want to look at this. All I can think is I'm just worried about what other people think. I just feel like my thoughts are true.

Am I allowed to feel happy when I notice a attractive girl and notice I’m attracted to her as long as I don’t turn it into a compulsion later by reminding myself I’m not gay because I found that girl attractive. And am I allowed to feel happy when I notice that noticing guys isn’t causing me distress or anxiety like it usually does

does anyone else have the issue where your head says the EXACT OPPOSITE thing youre actually thinking, like ill be like "oh this girl is pretty" and my brain will be like "oh this girl is UGLY" instead, even though thats not what im thinking. or itll be even worse like "i love my boyfriend and my cats" and it'll turn into I hate them. WHY. its so irritating to me it feels like my own brain goes literally against everything im actually feeling and thinking in the first place. i have no idea what this is.

How do you date with OCD ? I feel like I need to ramble a little, so bear with me. I’ve dated so many guys and not been into any of them. I used to think if I just gave them more of a chance or spent more time with them that the attraction would develop. But I never feel that intensely attracted I’m attracted to women’s bodies. But I’ve ever been with a girl. Due to that, I think I might be a lesbian. I know no one can tell me if Im a lesbian or not. But I want to work why the idea scares me I grew up in a religious family who sees being gay as wrong. My mom has hopes that I’ll have kids one day. Lowkey I also hope I end up wanting to have kids because I’d feel bad “ending my family line” And also idk why. I feel guilty if I don’t want them, but the idea of them overwhelms me Even if I was bisexual, I would REALLY hope I fall in love with a guy anyway just to avoid this. Anyway, with all this, I don’t know how to date. I could try talking to girls on Tinder to explore my sexuality, but I would feel scared lying to my parents. And I find it draining to constantly talk to people. I’m 23 and a virgin. I know life isn’t a race but why does that make me feel bad ? Like I’m not normal? It reminds me of how many intimacy issues I have Maybe I’m demisexual or something. Idk. Or maybe I should strictly ONLY talk to people on tinder im immediately attracted to. I know that sounds shallow but I feel like when I’ve “given people a chance”, someone always moves faster than I do Anyways, I just needed to talk TLDR; Should I try talking to girls even if I live in an anti LGBT household? What if I never get with someone nor have kids and disappoint my parents ? How do I deal with this shame ?

I have previously posted on Reddit pages asking for advice about my obsessions I see now it was solely reassurance. what makes me feel worse is I have SOOCD, so I would go to LGBT/lesbian Reddits and ask if I seemed gay. The last time I did this was Thursday. A woman responded saying what I posted was offensive, considering being a lesbian is not at all bad (which I wholeheartedly agree) and asked why I was using their space as confirmation that i was straight. I feel like an Asshole. I came into their community for self-serving issues, which I already knew was wrong as I had deleted posts there before. Women who legitimately struggle with questioning or fears about their safety because of their sexuality do not need to fix my “marriage problems” by telling me I sound straight. I just hate that I get into these moods and do things I know aren’t good. These poor women and others on those pages did not deserve what I posted.

So my head is telling me I miss the last three years of high school which were undoubtedly the worst years of my life primarily because of OCD. It’s done this loads, being that I want to make music that helps people which was influenced by the stuff I went through. For the last week or so my brains tried to convince me I miss it and because it’s been almost a year since, it’s not as clear. It started tonight when I was looking at my gallery on my camera and I passed photos Id taken in high school. I got a sad kind of anxious feeling in my stomach. Not nostalgia at all but a missing feeling. And my brain begins going “you miss all off it. What a great time” which isn’t true. I was so unhappy in high school mainly because of OCD to the point that at the time I despised high school and couldn’t wait for it to end and hopefully be happier in college (which I am). I began arguing and I’m 99% certain I don’t miss OCD and I don’t miss feeling like shit in my room on a night but I’ll be honest there are things I miss. Like for example: Do I miss being exhausted and drained by ocd every day along with regular school life? No. Do I miss exhausting myself avoiding kids in the hallway every time I’d have to wake around school? No. And trust me avoiding over 1000 kids even getting into your peripheral vision in a school is draining as hell. Do I miss sitting in my room on a night dealing with ocd and feeling sorry for myself over not being out? No. Do I miss repeating the same day of ocd over and over with the only slight break being the weekend? No. But Do I miss my yeargroup, the people I grew up with? Yes. Do I miss my teachers? Yes. Do I miss some of the funny moments? Yes. That’s what I mean, I feel as though it’s not that I miss high school but regret it. I want to look back and think “wow what a great period” but I never can because of OCD. I’ve said it before to myself I don’t miss the high school that I had, I miss the high school I could’ve had, as in one without ocd where I was going out with friends. But it makes me feel like I’m lying, like I miss the ocd and like I miss sitting in even though I’m miles happier in college now that I don’t have ocd as bad usually and when I can (due to lockdown) go out compared to when I never used to in high school. I don’t know how to explain it but I know deep down it’s regret. I don’t miss the OCD although like I said, my brain tells me I do. I remember leaving high school and thinking “fuck this place, I hate it, i can’t wait to leave” and then when I left it hit me, what I’m certain is regret. Because it’s not a “I miss the whole thing” it’s a “I miss elements of high school but I don’t miss feeling like shit all the time and stressing out and being drained”.

I hate living like this! 😭

please think about what you are saying. there is so much homophobia on this app, and it’s meant to be a safe space.

really need some advice. since all of this started i became more distant from my friends, and kind of just tried to disappear. i can see how that could be perceived as rude, or inconsiderate, so i decided to reach out and tell my friend that i was struggling with my mental health. she wanted to know more, which is understandable and i explained to her that i want comfortable sharing more. i eventually told her that i was struggling with anxiety, but that’s all i told her. she was upset and told me that she didn’t think she could be friends with me if the friendship was so one sided. i felt bad and tried to be more available, but i was still at my worst of my ocd and honestly i couldn’t keep up with everything, and i kind of did the same thing and “disappeared” again. eventually she confronted me again, this time saying that i was making excuses, and i obviously need professional help. maybe she was just concerned but the way she said everything im pretty sure that she was more angry then concerned. she again asked me to tell her what’s wrong and again i told her i wasn’t comfortable sharing that with her, mostly because i didn’t want to hurt her . she had recently come out as bi and i wanted to be supportive and i didn’t want her to be hurt because of what i’m going through. i also didn’t want to tell her that i think i have ocd because i’m not diagnosed, and i want to be professionally diagnosed before telling people. i’ve gotten better and less anxious and have made more plans and been more available, but i had a feeling that she was angry so i messaged her today, asking if she was. she said no but then brought up how we didn’t talk for three months, obviously still upset about it. i told her again that i was going through stuff, but recently i’ve made an effort to more available, which she then said that i hadn’t, and if she didn’t reach out i would have nevertheless talked to her, which just isn’t true- i’ve reached out mor then she has in the last month or so. she then said to me “you just refuse to talk to anyone about anything and then pout when your problems are still there”. i got upset when she said that, because while we are friends i felt like she wasn’t being fair or kind at all. idk. i keep apologizing to her because what i did isnt great,and i get that. i just wish i could find a way to make her not be so angry at me without telling her every detail of my ocd. idk. i might just be crazy. idk what to do. TLDR: friend wants to know more info about my ocd but i am not comfortable sharing with her yet. she is being kind of hostile and is obviously upset and i don’t know what to do.

Help me... So i am hanging out with my brothet and sister in law and she was playing a tiktok with the F word. I am a Christian so I don't really say that because I prefer not to. BUT when i heard that playing, it was like i wanted to sing along to prove I wasn't innocent or a goody two shoes 😭 my theme focuses around me being afraid I will rebel and stop everything good and become a totally bad person to show people i am not a goody two shoes 😩 idk what to do...

I don't know if it's possible to really journal on the NOCD app, but I'm going to give it a try anyway. So at one point in most people's lives, I'm sure they've came across something they really didn't want to see while using the internet, or any social media site for that matter. I have friends that did, I've seen many people talk about it, and I myself have gone through it a few months ago. I'm trying to meditate on how I can stop thinking about what I had seen given the context when I was on YouTube that night and put it past me, but it's hard. I just hate that I still ruminate about this over and over and I try my best not to. I didn't even search for anything related to the dumb playlist I saw. I wanted to masturbate, and I'm beginning to think this may be a compulsion for me but I'm honestly not sure. I don't like to use porn sites, since I can't see myself being turned on by hardcore porn knowing of the things porn addiction can do to people and what can be served on the underground of porn sites. I feel more safe with using YouTube or anything that can limit hardcore porn. Months ago I searched for the usual things I would that can arouse me, that being girls my age, and definitely older women. Because of this event however, I feel like I've lost the attraction to look at girls that are "labeled" as teens because it makes me feel awkward that they may be underaged even if I assume that they aren't and my not be. I searched for 18 year old girls to watch so I could enjoy looking at hot girls that were my age at the time. I liked what I saw with the girl that was 18 in the video I searched for, and things were okay. But then, people started to debate the girls age in comments when the video itself said that she was 18. When I clicked out of the video, I tried to find another. But, while doing so, youtube threw this gross playlist that gave a negative sexual connotation about kids in the playlist the videos itself weren't sexual at all, and I didn't watch any of them and never would, but the creator and person that hosts the playlist made it seem that way. Nothing about that playlist I liked. This happened before and curiosity kicked in to see if it was actually real and not what I clicked on one video hoping to report it but got afraid that I couldn't find it. Then I wanted to report the entire playlist because it's not something that youtube should have given me and something that should not be on YouTube, even without the context in my opinion. OCD sometimes creates false memories thinking I actually did watch videos in the playlist when I didn't, at all. It was so horrible I put my phone down before clicking everything out. I guess it still bothers me because it was an awful coincidence that met with me masturbating before I even ran into it. I focused on watching older women and then at the end Women my age but the thoughts are like "you're just using this to cover up for what you really wanted to see" or "but what if you actually did want to see that" or "what if you liked it" which if that was the case I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel this much anxiety and worry about it because I've seen other bizzare sexual videos that didn't bother me whatsoever, but I don't stumble into anymore. Lately I've been feeling a much stronger attraction towards older women, muscular women, and plump women. Honestly multiple types of women I don't really have any limits for the most part. Up to 50 year old women I believe. It's not that I'm not attracted to women my age but when it comes to online for videos or images, I'd love to see older women so much more. Never ever ever any women below my age though. I just don't want to ruminate about this accident anymore. Dwelling on it drives me crazy but lately I've been telling myself "I'm not going to solve it" and it's working a little bit

I think I might be becoming a bad and miserable person because of my past. Recently a lot of people are being exposed for manipulating a child or person, and I started to think back if I ever did such thing. I think I did as a kid, but Idk. When I was a kid, sexting or virtual sex was a thing ( there was no nudes or anything very explicit, it wasn’t that far. Kid would just pretend to do the sex thing). It was very common ( it might have not been for you, but I would see this in video games) for some reason, and I was kind of into it but weirded out by it. I’m glad kids nowadays don’t do that anymore, but when I was a kid I gave it somewhat a try. It’s weird to explain, but this is what happened. I was about 12-14 years old, I don’t remember what age, but all I remembered is that it was the start of me going through puberty. I played this game called “second life.” It was a virtual social game, where you meet up and hangout with people virtually. It’s like vr chat, but not vr. Anyways, a girl invited me to her virtual house. I quickly accepted it invitation because...you know... I was a kid and my mind was like “oh my god, I finally have a online gf” I entered her virtual house, and we were playing truth or dare, then got bored. (I’m sorry this is we’re it gets weird) she asked “now what?” And then I asked if she wanted to go to the bedroom. She said sure. My heart was beefing fast and I was aroused because I felt like I had a gf ( when I say gf, I don’t really mean gf, it was a think kids would say when they hung out with a girl) and I never did this before I think, I hope it was the first and only. (This is very weird ik) This is we’re things got sexual. Once we got there, you know....think you know we’re it was headed. I asked if she has a emote dance that can re-enacts the doggie style. She said yeah, and we did the disgusting thing. I don’t think we said much of anything sexual because weird kids and we’re scared to type anything sexual. I might be wrong I don’t remember much of the conversations. All I remember was that we just had our avatars do the actions and just watched. 30s of that weird disgusting thing, and my arousal then climaxed. I freaked out when I climaxed. I started to realized this was a weird and disgusting thing. I was mostly scared of the climax because I felt like it was unnatural. I was scared of what just happened, and so I quickly told the girl to stop. She stopped, and I idk if she asked why or anything. I was too weirded out and just said “I have to go. Bye” she said ok. And I left. I deleted everything. I deleted the game and swore to never touch that game ever again because I thought it was evil. I think I also delete other social games that had similarities to that game. I never wanted to ever interact with a person online because that experience felt very disgusting and regrettable. Years later, I a 16 year old, find out about YouTuber manipulating underage fans. And I see my little cousins talk about their online bfs and gfs. I remember the disgusting situation that I took part when I was a kid. The I started to get scared. What if that “gf” was way younger than me? What if I manipulated her and I caused irreversible physiological damage? The whole interaction from when I was invited to the end of the interaction lasted only like 5-10 mins, I might be wrong though. I feel very horrible and miserable. I have no idea who the other person is that was the first and last time I ever interacted with them. I think I might have asked for their age, and it was my age, but I don’t remember. Maybe they were my age, and so that’s why we continued to be “bf and gf” during the interaction (not really big and gf, it a thing kids used to say) I feel bad for the other person. It felt like we both liked each other, but the possibility of the unknown age gap scares me. I feel like I did no damage to the person because it ended very quickly, but the possibility that I did still whispers to me. I’ve been starting to hate myself recently because of this. Maybe I deserve it, I have no idea. I don’t know how to look at that situation. I could make the argument that we were just two dumb kids who did something stupid or It could be seen as me manipulating and hurt someone. I don’t know what to think of it or how to feel. I now am starting to believe my existence should not be allowed to continue. I feel like I am not allowed to be happy at all. My family invites me to do fun stuff and hangout with them, but I reject their offers because I feel like I should just rot in my bed. I never felt very miserable and it hurts, but I feel like I deserve to be hurt. I might not deserve anything good I get in my life for what I might have done to the person. This might be the first time I ever spoke about this. I need some guidance in my life. What are your thoughts about all of this? Have you ever been in a similar situation? How should I feel about the situation? Am the evil person who hurt someone or were we both just dumb kids? Anything will help me. I’m going to tell this to my therapist m, but I feel like she might not help me. I feel likes it a “you screwed up your life” type of situation. Anyways I hope you have a great day wether you hate me or not. Thank you if you have read this far?

When I was little I bullied someone and I can’t seem to find the person I bullied so I asked my old baby sitter to see if she knows her mother or her name still haven’t recieved a response. But I’m just feeling bad because what if she committed suicide because I bullied her I know they’re just what ifs but thinking about it just scares me so much I’ve had about two panic attacks over this.

Anyone overcome suicide-OCD (or harm ocd with suicidal obsessions)? If so, how? Mine started after losing a friend to it in April 2020. Thoughts of “what if I do that?” stuck like glue and it’s been hard to overcome ever since.