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the NOCD Community

Social media triggers me so much.

Does anybody else have to take something to fall asleep every night? I hate that I can’t fall asleep on my own because of my mind keeping me up. I envy people that can just fall asleep on their own :(

Hey guys. i’m a 14 year old female and i think i may be struggling from HOCD. My reason for this is because i really struggle setting aside thoughts about my sexual orientation. Growing up i always wanted to marry a man and have kids but up untill now there’s something in my head telling me that i don’t want to do that and i’m making it up. i have all kinds of intrusive thoughts about s€xual intercourse with girls and even just being in a relationship with a girl and they have become that common it’s like in my head that i’ve accepted it and my head is tricking me into the fact i like it, when in reality i don’t! there’s so much more to this but all i want to know is is this HOCD and i’m not in denial? pls it’s causing me so much distress, i’d appreciate any help! <3

Okay so, I'd like to tell my story for the first time, even though I still struggle with the idea of it because of the fear of being rejected... I am white, and two years ago I got in first contact with anti-racism activism. The first things I read and came in contact with made me freak out excessively, for reasons I don't know yet. I got an intense panic of my reality and sense of truth being turned upside down, as well of constant doubting about what was I doing right or wrong. I had many strong fears and other really negative emotions and doubts suddenly emerging as I was trying to learn and read other perspectives online. I got obsessed with the fear it provoked me, and most importantly, the fear of my own weakness being displayed in such an important and sensitive topic. I hated myself for having such intense anxiety, so I compulsively looked for stimulus that could trigger my anxiety. I wanted to expose myself so I could get over it and be stronger. I would not stop thinking about anti-racism the whole day, and I would get trouble sleeping. I could not leave my phone. I couldn't stop stalking social media activists, and I would spend hours checking other tagged accounts, falling into a spiral of stalking and eventually having an anxiety and doubting breakdown, followed by intense catastrophic thinking. I felt (and still feel) surveilled by myself and other people online. My fears became more sophisticated the more I learnt. I gazed multiple times every corner of the anti-racism online activism. Eventually I came across the concept of "white fragility", and it's definition made so much sense that it just fed my intrusive thoughts and self-loathing. To this day I haven't gotten over it. Only someone with white fragility would experience the emotions I was feeling. My rumination found another topic to fixate over. One day I started thinking if my behaviour was anything normal, since I would relate everything to my obsession, I was definitely feeling depressed and my repetitive behaviour would last the whole day. That's when I googled about OCD, and after a while reflecting I started taking it seriously. The doubts, the hatred for myself, the compulsions and the triggers are really something unbearable. Uncertainty has taken over my whole worldview, and in my bad OCD days I still reject the idea of having it, because "I am definitely a white supremacist and have white fragility and I'm just making up excuses". Social media has only validated my OCD and nurtured my compulsions. But listening to other people, seeking for help and learning more about the little details of OCD really makes me feel like there is hope and I'll be fine 💟. This has become my safe space, and I have developed such empathy and love for all of you that really makes my days better. I still haven't gotten over it, and I still don't know where do my fear comes from, but I will be okay. Sorry for writing so much, it is the first time I voice all of this. Thank you for reading 💟

I've been trying to help myself by telling myself You can find men attractive without wanting to have sex with them You can like gay porn without wanting gay sex You can have gay fantasties without wanting gay sex

Anybody taking buspar for ocd? I’ve read it helps with ocd and I was thinking of taking it because I don’t want to take an ssri.

Loss of attraction is worse than ever, like I cant feel anything for female because of this shit. My libido is now non existent. Despite my mind throwing up all the bullshit it can (muscular dudes, images of a dude's junk etc), I've done enough exposures to fight it off. I can tell my mind, "hey, that's totally fine. Hey, you never know." But aside from mornings are so damn bad for me (I'm stuck in bed damn near every morning), the overthinking/overanalyzing has completely taken females from me. This shit has cost me so much. Its cost me relationships, money, friends, sex, love and time with my family. I'm convinced that I can beat everything else (though it can still get unbearably bad sometimes too the point of convincing) but it takes chicks from me. I would give anything to have it back. These past few weeks especially has been so bad with the given the triggers (mostly me triggering myself with too much thinking) but even after coming down and seeing there's nothing to fear, loss of attraction still rears its head and makes me doubt myself. It got so bad that yesterday I was obsessing about not feeling anything for old women. I wish OCD was a person so I could fucking kill it's family before torturing it to death.

my bf is a monster just bc he watch porn?

No offense but the idea of allowing your thoughts to run though your mind without resistance is complete and utter bullshit. It has made no difference in the amount of chronic sexual intrusive thoughts that run through my damn mind. I’m not a gay person, yet gay and incestuous thoughts run through my mind 24 fucking 7. It makes me sick to my stomach...all I want out of life is a beautiful wife and kids. Maybe i deserve this. Maybe I’m just helpless...

Been struggling with SOOCD for over a year now and it's been debilitating for most of that time. I'm at a point where it's taken over my life so much that I no longer relate to the self I knew before ocd. I feel like its literally changed me. I used to have a sex drive and initiate with my partner all the time. Now, the mere thought of any kind of intimacy with him leaves me feeling I'm doing something terribly wrong. I dont want to be intimate with him. I usually feel only discomfort when I do. My main compulsion is avoiding intimacy. I know that erp would be to engage in intimacy despite the discomfort, but how do you actually do that when it just "feels" wrong and like you're a fraud the whole time? How is that kind of exposure considered okay? This mindfuck has all just made me lose my mind cause I proudly called myself a bi woman before dating my now partner and it wasn't until ocd set in 2 years into our relationship that just the thought of being bi has fueled the ocd that I'm gay and in denial. Ever since, I havent been able to approach intimacy comfortably at all. Also just never having a sense of community cause no one ever talks about being bi or pan with SOOCD. But... we exist people! Just wish I didnt feel so alone in it.

I may have hurt my cat. Idk (I need guidance) I really don’t want to post this, but I feel horrible if I don’t. I made a mistake, and I don’t know if it is justifiable (idk if that’s the right word) or I am a bad person. This happened recently, a few days ago. One day after I masterbaited, I went straight to sleep for at least 30+ mins. When I woke up, my cat jump on my desk in my room. I think someone opened my door. I hate it when my cat jump on everything, so I went to pick her up and put her on the floor. As I grabbed her, I quickly let go. I forgot. I don’t know but I think my hands may have been contaminated with a dried small amount of YouKnowWhat. I then started panicking in front of my cat. I felt horrible. I felt like an abuser or a bestiality person. I hated myself. I left my cat alone and backed off. I just went back to bed and left my cat continue jump around. Sleeping it off didn’t help, I continued to freak out later on. I would never want to hurt my cat. It was an accident, but I always feel horrible about it. I even apologized to my cat, but my cat doesn’t understand what even happened or why I’m all freaked out. It’s just me who knows. And I feel like a criminal in hiding. I was afraid of abusing or hurting my cat before that incident, and now my stress levels increased. I told my family to never let the cat in my room, but they always open the door for her. I hate it. I’ve tried to stay away from my cat because I feel horrible, but my family keeps forcing me to take care of her and be around her. My family doesn’t know what happened and they don’t know why I am always against being around my cat. Sometimes I take care of her and make sure she’s safe, but I fell very horrible each second. He keeps meowing to see me when I have my door closed, but I just feel worse and worse. I don’t know if it was ok because it was a mistake or I am an abuser or anything evil. I don’t know what to feel. I feel like an abuser. I feel like I sexually assaulted my cat. I’m scared and I can’t stop thinking about it. Is this all just a mistake or something worse? I just need guidance with this. I’m lost, and I don’t know what to do with myself. If you have read this far, thank you. It means a lot. I hope you don’t do the same mistake as I have. Best wishes to you.

This thread is for anyone who wants to chat with me about their nerdy interests! I'm really into Nintendo games and animation. Would love to meet some other people here who can relate, maybe we can exchange our Switch friend codes and play online sometime! I know this app is for OCD treatment, but I really want to use this platform to connect to people and make new friends. We all know how difficult it can be to engage in conversation with others when we suffer from intrusive thoughts, believing they would hate us if they knew what goes on inside our heads. We're all here for the same reason, so that barrier of entry is gone. We don't have to worry about hiding our "deepest, darkest secrets" because that ice has already been broken. As someone who also suffers from social anxiety and spends most of my time in isolation (I only have one close friend I talk to regularly--I fell out with my three best friends in the past year, which has been incredibly difficult) I think reaching out and connecting with others is instrumental in my recovery process. So, this forum is purely for people who want to be friends and talk about our hobbies and interests! While I'm hoping to find some likeminded gamers and artists, I'd love to get to know you regardless of what your hobbies are, so feel free to share your interests even if they're different from mine! I hope this doesn't violate the rules of the app or anything, but I really wanna keep the discussion on mental health to a minimum in this thread, if possible. I just want this to be a fun space to share what we like! Exposures are an essential step in the recovery process, but that doesn't mean our goal should be all work and no play. Let's just enjoy ourselves here and tell OCD once and for all that we don't have to take everything seriously! Tell me what movies you like, what TV shows you're watching, what video games you're playing, what projects your working on! Just be sure to make it FUN!!! 😁😁😁

One thing my therapist told me when I’m having a lot of doubt and fear over false memories and real event is to tell myself how long I’ve been engaging in compulsions. This is pretty helpful as it helps you assess to not engage in further compulsions as the mind is so capable of making up new memories. Another thing is to use cognitive distortion strategies, like seeing the positives of that situation rather than the negative. Hope this helps and clears out some doubt for you guys. We have to accept uncertainty. Good luck y’all ☺️

can someone maybe give me some insight i may be missing here? i have lesbian fantasies and they always make me sad afterwards and i cry and breakdown. my main obsession is if i would have sex with a girl in the future or if me and my boyfriend broke up. like i don’t want to now of course like AT ALL and i also can’t say i know i would enjoy that in the future either because i don’t know how im going to feel in the future. i desire to marry my boyfriend and spend my life with him and rather than experiment with a girl. so my question is, i know it turns me on to think of these things and it makes me upset when i do and i base this obsession on the sole principle that i do have lesbian fantasies. if they make me so upset after why.... would i be worried about actually wanting to experiment? i honestly don’t know if i want to or not. the idea of that is hot! but the reality of it now just scares me, i don’t want it.

How do people stop ruminating thoughts? I really have been unknowingly ruminating for months and I need to figure out how to stop because I just dont get how to stop.

I had a intrusive terrible, evil thought about someone that really is causing me a lot of guilt and I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy because of this. I think it was an intrusive thought because it’s something I would never want or wish on anyone but the fact that I could even think of something so terrible made me question myself. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I tried praying about and talking about with my mom but it’s not helping. I’m freaking out and I just want someone to understand

So everything feels so real at the minute and my brain is making it feel like it’s not OCD and i’m but there’s two things that give me hope... 1)I told mum mum I was certain I had ocd back last September in order to try and get help because I knew I would never be fully happy or content until I was diagnosed, stopped doubting and knew the things I’d felt and thought weren’t real. 2)I’ve worried with so much over the last three years, over POCD, incest, beastiality, cannibalism, necrophillia, Being gay but then also being a homophobe, being a racist, worries about my band, stalker, rapist, Holocaust denier, animal abuser, women abuser and some others. Then not only that but I’ve matched so many symptoms many of which I did before I knew it was a symptom. Like how I would always get ho photos as to try prove I didn’t fancy someone only to find out months down the line it’s a symptom. I’ve dealt with this so many days, some worse than others. Plus all the research I’ve done on it all, so many nights wasted scouting ocd action, so many posts already in this app, so many ocd videos watched, so many article reads and self diagnosis tests. It feels so real at the minute though, I pray it’s OCD but my brain tells me it’s not and there’s no chance but then I think about all the possible themes I’ve dealt with and how much my experience has matched others I’ve heard. Anytime I’ve asked if anyone else has a similar experience with something they say they have. I’ve spoken to my mum about it and she understands. I’ve spent the last 2 hours maybe 2 1/2 tonight researching and reading. My hope and theory is that it must be ocd because if I am what I fear i am I would have never have told my mum I think I have ocd because I would have known that wasn’t true but no, I genuinely had belief, I know I did. I still have this but if hope because of the reasons I’ve listed but idk, it feels real. Most of my days at the minute revolve around me arguing about the thoughts all day and why it’s ocd until I take a break by watching YouTube and distracting myself for 30 minutes. Then later on I go downstairs to try feel better and ignore the thoughts but it comes in anyway and because I’m around people and can’t speak out loud the thoughts get worse so I feel worse and go upstairs and argue the rest of the night with maybe a few tries at relaxing and watching YouTube very so often. I mean the other night, I came down to the living room because if POCD thoughts to ignore them Because they felt real and stuff but then I got incest thoughts over my family which ended up upsetting me and causing anxiety and on top of that I got beastiality thoughts when I’d hug my dog and stuff. Even now my brain tries saying why the beastiality thoughts aren’t OCD and why the incest thoughts aren’t OCD. When I think of my experience I think it screams ocd but everything feels so real atm

I don’t even know if it’s ROCD related but I really really hope so, because I am actually diagnosed with OCD. I noticed a really bad behavior about myself. I love and trust my boyfriend 100% and I’m okay with him texting with his ex boyfriend. They are just friends. Since our relationship started, I felt inferior about everything. He has more experience, he is more beautiful, anything! Unfortunately I’m very jealous and he knows that, but what I just noticed is, that sometimes some of my sentences or questions are subtly imputing?! Like when he says “I know this place” I get the thought “he was there with his ex lover” and then I say “of course you know this place” or when he posts a selfie of him, I ask him “oh I bet you get a lot of dms” and both of us smile it away and I don’t think he really knows why I keep asking or saying this. I always get the thought that his ex boyfriends text him stuff. But I trust him and I’m fine with everything he does because he is the most caring and lovely person ever. I adore him and we also wanna marry soon… but earlier everything cracked and I was so overwhelmed when I realized what a bad person and especially bad boyfriend I am. I am shook and also now I can’t really breathe because I’m so disgusted by myself and feel like I’ve ruined the relationship now. 🥺

one thing with hocd that really trips me up is the fact that i’ve always felt ‘predatory’ (or feared i SEEMED predatory) when getting changed with my friends. like i worry when they’re naked and stuff. and i think this was before hocd too (but idk for sure when hocd began for me). i get turned on by big boobs and i do admit that. but that’s not necessarily a sign of me being a different sexuality, which i’ve gathered after so much reassurance seeking. it’s just i feel uncomfortable getting changed with other women because of it. and that predatory feeling makes me worry i can’t be straight

Can someone PLEASE PLEASE help me make sense of my POCD rumination spiral or help give me encouragement ? This theme is making life very difficult . Basically I constantly have thoughts as to not stare at people inappropriately, and this includes adults , but mainly children . I don’t think I’m ACTUALLY staring creepily but it’s a back and forth with OCD . It primarily targets my little sister . It’s like “oh you looked here or there “ all the time . So I avoid being around her . Sometimes I feel like I actually do accidentally be creepy . I’ve had three panicked attacks where I’ve glanced at her and then a computer screen back and forth for a few seconds . Like sometimes it’s her chest , or her groin and stomach . It’s not intentional , its just whatever’s on my eye level and what’s close to my face . But OCD keeps torturing me about it . I’m planning on accepting the uncertainty that I might be a traumatizing creep , and to just move on and live life . However I need encouragement from someone or some suggestions . I just generally seem to glance at people a bit more than usual , but no ones taken any notice . UGH. I need help