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the NOCD Community

This is going to be a bit long so I apologize in advance. I don’t know what else to do. I’m so anxious and tired. I think I’m getting depressed due to my anxiety. I know I am because I feel hopeless. I’m 24. I’m going to be graduating in may and I’m so stressed out. I hate my job. I hate where I live. I’m scared about the future and what’s going to happen after I graduate. I hate my boyfriends job because it puts us at risk of catching covid again. And like everyone else covid anxiety isn’t helping. I was finally diagnosed with ocd last year due to a horrible flare up that was unavoidable. I remember when it happened I was like this is unbearable. This is the worst. I say that every time it’s bad. Well, of course it’s always worse the next time. That’s ocd. I was prescribed bupropion. It worked for a while. It was great. It kept my intrusive thoughts at bay. My ocd went into remission. I even switched to the XL. But due to my own irresponsibility in taking the meds right (ie skipping doses) it was slowly rendering ineffective. The last two months I noticed that my intrusive thoughts were returning mildly and so were my compulsions. I was lethargic and had no motivation. Still things were good until two weeks ago. I had taken my first dose for the first time in two days. I skip all the time surely this will be fine. I had the worst panic attack of my life at work. After that I’ve been anxious ever since. I was dizzy, anxious, random panic attacks, etc. it was like withdrawals. I can’t go back to work because I’m scared I’ll have another panic attack. I thought I was going to die and I know it’s because of the panic attack. My doctor tried to get me to taper but I couldn’t. I wanted off of it then. Throw in a bad run in with a Cbd/delta 8 thc gummy (don’t take this if you’re on bupropion it does some shit to an enzyme in your liver) and my anxiety is through the roof. A different doctor prescribed Effexor and told me to just quit the bupropion. I took 37.5 mg yesterday of the Effexor and I was so nauseated. My BP was 140. I had heart palpitations. It was a horrible adverse reaction. Called my doctor. He told me to stop it immediately and prescribed me lexapro. I’m fucking scared to take it after yesterday and the last two weeks. My ocd is through the roof. I feel like I could go out of control. Like what if I develop this illness? What if I get serotonin syndrome? What if there’s something wrong with my liver? What if covid ruined something in me? What if I have to go to a psychiatric hospital? What if I lose my mind? What if... I know it’s ocd at free range but I’m really starting to get depressed. What if this is how I’m like now and I can’t return to normal? I cry so much now. My emotions are all over the place. I started therapy again Thursday so I guess that’s a small step. I don’t have a good support system. I returned to my childhood home for a few days and it’s not that great. My dads way of dealing with it is yelling at me and trying to scare me to take my meds. My family wants to throw pills at it until it goes away. But my body hasn’t even cleaned out the bupropion and now I took that dose of Effexor. I’m not trying to overload my system. I’m so sad and scared. I want to be better now. I was fine just a few weeks ago. I should have taken the bupropion right and then got off of it properly instead of being lazy. Any advice is appreciated

I need to just learn to be okay with my sexuality. I have been trying to engage in more sexual contact w my husband, but if we shower together that alone isn’t arousing. I keep having sexual dreams about men and kissing and touching them but in the dream I feel bad and remember my husband. I was aroused by a sexual image of a woman today. I’m living all these worries at once: a.) I’m not sexually aroused by my husband and will never enjoy sex with him if his body alone doesn’t turn me on b.) I’ll cheat on him and that scares me c.) I must be gay and that’s why sex isn’t as satisfying. All of these things cause immense stress. Enough to where I redownloaded this app.

I have this new obsession of worrying if I’m subconsciously sexualizing women. I consider myself a feminist and and ally of women. My OCD has made me scared of objectifying women so much that I avoid looking at them now. If a women crosses my field of view I get anxious and worry if I was looking at them inappropriately. I also have a fiancé so it also makes me feel like I’m being unfaithful.

I feel like my ocd is vastly different from other people’s which makes me think that it’s not ocd

Does anyone relate? I have really bad schizo OCD.. and before I had a lot of other themes but because the schizo theme is current and taking over the other ones have kind of been pushed to the side and all I can focus on is becoming crazy.. Well these past couple of days have been bad and as soon as I wake up I have this like really uncomfortable feeling in my chest.. no matter how much sleep I get or if I wasn’t stressed before going to bed. Then another thing I guess since I don’t have thoughts about really anything else for the day (ex. What are my tasks today, I’m excited for this today, oh I’m hungry.. etc) my thoughts are kind of all over the place about my schizo ocd and then it’s to the point I have random conversations that don’t even make sense in my head or I hear family members voices in my head saying something but it’s like I know it’s all my mind doing it but it still confuses me why random thoughts I didn’t think pop up or why I’m hearing it in their voice but this only happens when I first wake up or if I’m falling asleep. Then once it happens my brain is like.. does this mean I’m going crazy and starting to hear voices.. idk it’s literally driving me crazy..

I feel like ever since i got diagnosed with OCD and my theme being HOCD, my brain is trying to tell me that is isnt and this is who I am, i try to accept the thoughts and just let them come in but then i get scared when i get "too relaxed" if that makes sense... i literally saw two guys on tiktok yesterday who i thought were good looking and my brain was like "stop forcing yourself" when i wasnt..I just want this to stop... i'm trying so hard not to do compulsions or any of that but it's so hard... especially in the morning i've noticed..

It’s INSANE how everything is triggering my latest obsession of being caught for Child pornography, despite not being a pedo. I was on YouTube , and there was a funny video of how dads mess with their daughters boyfriends . This person said that their uncle told their cousins boyfriend, “whatever you do to her I’ll do to you “. Then proceeded to lick the boyfriends face . She referred to the boyfriend as “the kid “, and said that the boyfriend never did anything with the girlfriend while the uncle was around . I think the person wanted to tell a funny story . But someone else said that the uncle had sexually assaulted the boyfriend in the comments after reading the comment . Since the bf was referred to as “the kid”, I’m obsessed with whether this is CP . In Canada , anything counseling someone to do some illegal shit with a child is considered CP. now , I constantly obsess over whether or not comments I see , things I see , are CP or not CP . UGH . Has anyone had similar themes . UGH

this will sound very confusing… One of my compulsions to relieve my anxiety is to take notes what I did today (suffering from compulsive checking OCD / false memory cheating OCD). Now I found a note from 12/29/20 where I wrote „OCD is telling me that a guy (I‘ve dated last year) is here but we did nothing.“ Now I‘m anxious and irritated by my note and OCD sees that as proof that I invited this guy. It sounds like I admitted it. Now OCD wants me to confess it to my boyfriend. I‘m at rock bottom right now 🥺 I was feeling so great since my last therapy session and each false memory of the last months disappeared.

Has anyone gotten past groinals? I fucking hate this anxiety? Also that fat voice in your head...god I wanna strangle it

This is going to be long but I hope someone will read and help. I had to do a compulsion where I have to picture my fiance, say his name, and then say the word GOD afterwards. So I did this compulsion and afterwards the words "I hate God" popped up into my head. It is scaring the crap out of me even though I know I love the Lord and I am a religious person. It is scaring me also because I don't want to do another compulsion and I don't want to end it on something so negative either. I am not looking for reassurance, but I just need to know if I'm not alone and if there is anything I can do to prevent myself from doing another compulsion to stop this.

I just realized something...for people with SOOCD...love shouldn’t make you feel anxious. It shouldn’t make you feel disgusted. Love is natural, love is beautiful. Love is who you feel comfortable around...also here’s a test. Who would you rather wake up next to in the morning? Man or woman? I sure as hell want to wake up with a beautiful woman. I was at a real low point today...intrusive thoughts all over the place, ruminating, checking, rapid heart beat...maybe I should just lay off the caffeine. But God know I want to be with a wife. A WIFE. I want beautiful sons and daughters. And I promise as God as my witness I will protect them from the evils of porn. Porn damn near ruined my life. This is my pledge to keep fighting this no matter how terrible it gets. Side note: NO FAP 11 days and counting. I love you all, this condition is a mother f*cker. It feels like my brain is melting half the time. Trust your instincts, don’t let doubt ruin your life. Believe in yourself, I love you all. Stay strong 💪🏼

Does anyone struggle with the thought of not having a personality? And always comparing yourself to others? In a permanent existential crisis trying to make sense of it.

Anyone have Relationship OCD about their friends? I have never been in a romantic relationship, so I obsess over whether or not my friends undervalue me. Which is a result of just being obsessed with my friends, period. I heard limerence can be tied to OCD? My last therapist thought so. Mind, I also have ADHD so...fixation central. But I do feel like this could all be a touch of narcissism though, lmao. BuT thats a common OCD worry, too. Hm. But like, why do I have to be the MOST/equally important to their boyfriends or else I feel worthless? To me, it's because I feel lame about thinking I love them more, and thinking that I'll always be the one who loves more. I also worry incessantly that I'll never have a romantic relationship, and that I'm not capable of anything more than platonic obsession, despite having a desire for romance and having experiences (very) small crushes. I mostly obsess over the thought that no one loves me, though, and that I'm just cheap entertainmen...and then feel majorly jealous of friends' significant others, despite not being attracted to my girl friends themselves. All this makes me ruminate like crazy on how I'm inferior, or, "god's lonely man (woman)," and it's impossible to reason me out of my anxiety. It also makes me do compulsive things as a distraction, like obsess about an ideal future relationship (some knight in shining armor lmao) and obsessively use tinder and have sex despite not enjoying any of that or having any real desire. Even my friends recognize that I'm addicted to this despite the lack of reward. My behavior always makes things worse but I always think oh next time will be better and I won't feel left out...or I think oh I have to get used to just being a sexual object becauze no one loves me. Does this ring a bell? Platonic and fantasy based ROCD? OCD hypersexuality?

I talked to my mother about what I’m going through. Crying my eyes out. I told her I was worried I didn’t love my partner anymore and that I am so convinced it could be me. My mother told me she went through some pretty bad ocd problems herself but different from mine. My father was abusive to my mother and he told her over and over again no one would ever love or want her. My mom believed it. She was suicidal like me. She told me to stick with what you know and I told her what I know is warped due to the obsessing I’ve done for 8 years... I told her everything I went through. She told me that she admires my relationship with my partner bc we’ve been through a lot that could’ve caused us to break up but we didn’t. I told her what if it is me mom... bc it really feels like it is... she said the same thing as everyone else. You obsessed way too much about it bc you never got help all those years ago. I told her how I miss feeling content and comfortable in my relationship she said it’ll come back but it’s gonna take time. She said that you can’t let your brain control you you control it. I still feel very off right now but I was able to kiss my partner and happily without weird feelings. Then the what if’s came back then I started obsessing about what if he’s boring... so I started feeling off about that.

I've been on and off here and I have felt like there's no hope with my OCD and other times that I'm on the right track. Consistency has been hard for me. I'm a carpenter and do a lot of side work after my full time job. I'm also a husband, father (expecting another), and a triathlete. Stress is my main trigger and my obsessions range from POCD, Harm OCD, HOCD, and just general anxiety. There's days when I am ready to take on OCD bit then I let it kick my butt sometimes. I have a hard time doing ERP because I don't feel like I know what I'm doing, or it feels wrong because it's not "normal". I guess I'm just seeing if anyone can relate and motivate me again. I think I can do it but im losing a bit of belief.

does anyone else get morning anxiety or rather, anxiety whenever you wake up? doesn't really matter what time, but by the time you're awake, you get anxious and your problems seem like they multiplied as if sleeping collected all your troubles and threw them at you by the time you woke up

Can't stop compulsively binge eating after a traumatic experience took place. Any suggestions for how I can get this under control?

No one understands my OCD in my family. No one knows any of my themes and I just need someone to be able to talk to. I just want to cry and be in my dark room forever.

I feel like a worthless disgusting child sexual abuser. Basically , I saw a video with an 11 year old who looked 16. I remember thinking he was 16, and that he looked really good . I don’t know if it was aesthetic or romantic attraction towards him. I can’t tell . I just thought he looked good . Then the next clip the dude was 24, and said he was 11 in that . I got really anxious today and Watched the video to gauge how old he looked to make sure I’m not a pedo. Then I think I was attracted to him again . Fuck. The evidence is that I had a feeling similar to the last time , a groinal response , and I remember thinking he had really nice eyes , and looking st his skin . I never intended to like deliberately look at him sexually . I remember having a thought , Then a groinal . Idk what the thought was . I remember my intentions were just to gauge how old he looked. But I remember thinking things like “he had really pretty eyes “, and that he had nice skin and bone structure . What if I looked at Him to feel pleasure ? From what I know , it was just , “oh photogenic”, but if that’s the case why did I feel a groinal ? Why did I feel similar to the first time I saw him ? How tf do I live with myself ? Do I even deserve it ? I’m not trying to seek reassurance but I am helpless right now and don’t know what to do .

Anyone else have a hard time letting things go in your head? It's been almost 24 hours and my anxiety/anxious thoughts have not let up. My OCD is making me feel guilty about something that I shouldn't be feeling so anxious about.