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the NOCD Community

I do get anxious that medications specifically ocd medication would make me an addict and I won’t be able to stop them lol ( probably one of the reasons I haven’t been to therapy)

So I haven’t worked in almost a year but I’m starting my job Wednesday.. I’m incredibly nervous because my OCD and anxiety is still pretty bad, but constantly thinking about my theme and trying to figure it out is one of my biggest compulsions so I hope that getting out of the house and having a job/structure helps :(

I’ve felt like crying the last 2 days because of things that have happened in the past. I’m not sure if it’s my ocd that keeps reminding me or just part of the healing process as it happened 10 yrs ago but I found out in February of 2020. I want to be past it but it still hurts sometimes.

To whom this may concern, If had the balls I have now to have written to you, I would have said something alone these lines: I don’t owe you anything. Not my man, not my happiness, and certainly not my life. From the moment I meet him, you were always lurking in the shadows. I could feel you. Whenever I’d ask about his past sure he’s obviously mention you but it carries so much weight and that weight I decided to carry on my own shoulders. I know it was you who sent me those mean questions. I know it was you who wanted to throw me off and have me question his loyalty. I know it was you who resented me so much to the point of being petty you were willing to to look like the crazy ex. And guess what!! You got to me! Yes you did, for a really, really long time I was so fucking afraid of you. Any mention of his past, regardless of you, sent me spiraling and I thought that he was thinking about you and it terrified me. I wanted him, loved him, and needed him to focus on me so what I did was keep an eye out on you. Looking through each one of your social media’s daily. Looking for signs that my mind was right and that you two were still together like you were in my head!! Boy, oh boy did I really believe that and honestly I hated you for it. When you reached out to me, my heart sank. When you said all those mean things about him then told me how you cheated on him anyways, my heart fell. And I’ve held onto that, you know. I’ve held on to that same feeling I felt the day you actually looked me in the eye and I never let it go. I never let you go. It’s apparent that he had though. As much as my brain freaks out about the “what if’s,” my gut tells me he’s telling the truth and he was way over it before it was even said out loud. I’m not sure what the future stores for my partner and I. Of course, I want him in my life, I love him and I’ll say this: I know at one point you did, too. But I’m not just gonna give you, no, hand you away my happiness like that. Like I have for the past year. It was hard then because I had really strong resentment and fear for you but now I’m willing to forgive you even if I know you’re not sorry and let go of you even if the only reason why you stay is to see us fail. It’s okay. You keep doing that and watch how unhappy it makes you. I know it made me miserable. All I’m asking of this situation now is for it to just go and I’ll start by ending my contract to you here. I don’t owe you anything, in fact you don’t know me but were so entitled to tell me how pathetic I was for being with him when things didn’t go well for you. It’s okay. It’s life. I’m sure you’ve already moved on and found someone else and for that I wish you finally do look for what truly will make you happy. But I’m gonna let go of the idea that I can never be like you. I’m gonna let go of the idea that you have a hold of me or him. I’m gonna let go of the idea that you meant what you said because I’m not gonna carry this anymore. This is where it ends. It’s what I should have and wished I had told you. I’m only sorry to myself for hiding just how much fear and torment I had in my heart. I could say this all happened for a reason. It would sound poetic wouldn’t it? But I’m not going to. There’s plenty more of life ahead of me and I’m not gonna waste my time in thinking if I said sorry enough or made the right decision. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve always tried to do right by others. Now I gotta do right by me and I think this is a healthy start. So now whatever may or may not happen I know it won’t waiver my worth of happiness. It won’t determine my worth as a person. It will never be defined to what happiness I can/cannot bring to other people. Yours,

Has anyone ever had old themes resurface after years of it not bothering you? I dealt with HOCD fears for years in college and then one day, they just stopped. I started doing therapy this year for relationship obsessions regarding intrusive fears of my fiance cheating on me. Randomly this past week, I watched a video of a YouTuber I like who I’ve watched for years and have really identified with her style and overall aesthetic. In the video, she came out as bisexual and is now dating a woman, and i have been having all of these irrational fears that I have been bisexual this whole time, even though my fears in college were that I was actually a lesbian. I have never had a legitimate desire to date a woman or have that kind of relationship with a woman. I have just had a lot of intrusive thoughts about that in college that caused me extreme distress. After college though for some reason, those obsessions just stopped and I have just been living my life the last 3 years praying they dont come back and even laughing to myself when i think that those kinds of thoughts used to bother me. I have been in a loving relationship with my fiance for the past 2 years and have never felt more like myself since being with him. It has only confirmed what I already knew to be true about my sexuality as a straight woman. He and I are getting married in three weeks. It’s like my fears have totally switched from him being a cheater to me being secretly bisexual this whole time. I have not had any sexuality based obsessions since being with him and it is so incredibly distressing to me to have these thoughts now. Of all the times I could have in the last two years, why are they coming up 3 weeks before our wedding? I don’t think being bisexual is wrong, it’s just not who I am. I know deep down that if I was, it would not be something I didn’t think about for years and then get reminded of it by a random video. Any advice? My therapist is out of town this week and I could really use some non-reassurance advice. Thank you!!

Please help me. Please reply me .I once watched child porn accedently. I remember suddenly came out from that site. But after some time I remember masturbating on imagining what I saw. I don't know why I did that. I was 17 or 18 then. I did that maybe because if my hypersexuality? Curiosity? Or is it that because I always wanted to see kids my age naked? I don't remember I enjoyed it but I am greatly affected by hypersexuality. I will get urges to masturbate atleast 4 times a day and I will do that. But I don't why I did that. That was my first and last time seeing something illegal ( accedently). So this led me to millions of questions like if I am attracted to nude children, does that mean I am capable of assaulting them. I never fantasized any one who is below my age. I remember one or two times I looked at a girl who was around 10 or 11 who was wearing a tight pants. I saw her bottom. I never got arosed by it. But I felt bad. I never remember looking it in a bad manner. I promise. But i am really worried I am attracted to kids and one day I will harm them am I a phedophile? Do someone have some similar experiences? Please help me . I would appreciate any of your reply. Thanks

goes I’m going to be brief and very detailed as possible ,I’m 26 female and I don’t know if it’s pocd or the real thing .okay so for starters I do suffer from anxiety and sometimes depression from as far as I can remember,I’ve dealt with bizarre thoughts in the past ,such as intrusive thoughts.I remember reading something about an high profile person getting caught up in cp and that made me start thinking about should I watch cp?.what is cp?.but I quickly realized that is something I didn’t want. To do and it was wrong .I’ve been watching porn since I was 11.it was normal porn but over the years I started watching different types But I have never watched CP.and don’t want to.i have never looked or touched an child sexually or thought about them in that way.I love kids I’ve always dreamed of being a mother,but sometimes I used to be nervous of the future like would I be a great mom or what if I abuse my child ?.different things .but fast forward when I used to masturbate I always think of celebrities who are 17,18 who are attractive but I never thought it was an problem because I would think it would be fantasy and that I wouldn’t actually do it in real life .and I have been doing this for 2 years now .but I noticed that when I’m near my god kids I start having thoughts like what if I touch him ? Or should I touch him but I always dismiss it and move on and feel bad afterwards because I have never thought about any kids that way.so fast forward a month after I masterbated .I was watching a documentary or something and it triggered me thinking I was an p and I start feeling guilty of all the things I’ve masterbated too and I have thought some stuff I’m not proud of .but it was like it was sudden and I couldn’t sleep And it was like it just kept replaying in my head to the point I started crying and overtime it subsided but I keep having these thoughts convincing myself I’m a p and yesterday I was near my godson and a thought popped in my head saying touch him touch him it was like an urge.but I resisted and I feel so bad because i love kids and now I don’t want to have any and I feel like killing myself I don’t know where these thoughts came from all of a sudden and why I couldn’t fight them off .I came across a photo of a preteen girl and while I was looking at the photo a thought popped in saying picture her in a bra and I immediately got disgusted and scared.I’m just on autopilot I’ve been googling and googling and just don’t know what to think .I’m just tired I’m just on the brink of tears and killing my self because I can’t accept that I’m this way .I’m so scared I don’t even want to leave the house or anything I was fine couple weeks ago now i don’t know who or what I’m doing I don’t have anyone to talk to I’m scared .it seems to be not as intense as it first was a Month ,but it still stays in the back of my mind ,I get urges seems real and want Me to do things I’m fighting,and it seems like my attraction to normal ppl have faded I’m having dreams about this situation,it seems I have arousal and when I have these thoughts I just want to cry because I don’t know how I got to this point.every time I see an photo of a kid I get an feeling in my stomach and I kinda get sick and my heart starts to race ,I keep googling signs of a p and now it seems I have moved on too teens I’m just to The point where I want to kill Myself,I don’t know what to do any more,I love children I’ve always wanted an family of my own but now not anymore.I’m stressed out and it seems to be all I think about is that I’m a p ,I can’t wake up Without worrying about ,it’s from The time I go to sleep to The time I wake up,I don’t know

Vent: Haven't done these in a while, so it's good to come back to it I suppose.. Sometimes I feel really alone with my OCD... My only real struggle is real event and already that makes me feel like I have it worse than others suffering. I'm not trying to make this a competition or anything, definitely not. Maybe these feelings of feeling worse than everyone else is also OCD. I don't worry about intrusive thoughts that haven't happened at all as much as the ones that have happened. Everything stems from even I was younger. Everybody tells me that sexting is normal and a variety of all kinds of people do it. Teens do it with other teens and adults do it with other adults. I did it a lot when I was a teen... Ever since the 7th grade, when I were an 11 year old, it's like I had some sort of sexual awakening. I became so obsessed with sex and feet. I even remember these where I acted out on it. I sexted so much online with other girls and they did it back. At the time I thought it felt so good and it gave me a rush doing it and I was experiencing what it would maybe be like to be with someone of the opposite gender sexually. I sometimes did it with people of the same gender due to false feelings and curiosities, but realized I only like girls in sexual ways. I guess the adrenaline rush I would get from doing this is why I kept doing it. But other times, I've had friends that appreciated feet of people as much as I did. I really do love feet in a general sense and an attraction sense. At the time when this all started, I used to have a lot of trouble accepting that, but I'm very comfortable about it now. There were times where I had friends online that felt the same way about this and we shared pictures of our feet for further admirations of our friendship. This was still a time where I wanted to figure out all of these feelings but I just feel like I've done all of this in the worst ways possible. I'm always ashamed of this and I can't help but feel like I should be in jail. That might be really irrational but it's what my OCD tells me.. I managed to stop doing all of this at 17 because I guess I realized this wasn't worth all of the pressure and anxiety. I'm very glad that I stopped and I haven't done it since. Another guilt I have has to do with my addicted to adult content. I've been so hooked on it at a very young age. So many things changed for me at that time. I've watched so much of it, got off on it so many times, came across so many bizzare ways just to get the same fulfillment. This has been engrained in my life and I'm doing the best I can to keep it away. So far I've been 17 days fresh. I'm happy that I'm abstaining from it all because it got to a point where I didn't feel enjoyment out of the content, I worried about being addicted on occasion, and then I cried when I tried to add a taboo towards my fetish. I really didn't like that and the fact that I was addicted. I'm just really glad I'm doing something about it, I guess. I'm just really glad that I can be here, speak my feelings about all of these things. Just let them all out maybe. OCD convinces me of so many things. Like if I saved illegal videos into my computer which I know I didn't. And anything I did have NSFW I deleted everywhere because I felt there was absolutely no point in saving things I would realistically have no use for. That I would harm someone for pleasure, when I would never ever ever want to hurt people. I would only want to help people and just try to make friends. It's even convinced me that arousal is 100% bad. I hate the feeling of it and I hate when it get it and what it does to me. I began to be afraid of looking for content for pleasure and when I did find something that really messed me up and made me very uncomfortable, I would just have a meltdown. I'd report whatever I see concerning, but now I don't search for anything anymore. Right now I don't do any of the things I used to in the past when I was younger and I'm glad I don't, but I still feel like a really awful person anyway. I always feel like I'm bad or that I broke the law or that I shouldn't get a second chance. I dunno. Believing what is and what isn't is almost impossible when it comes to OCD. I'm sorry if anyone was bothered by any of this. Didn't mean to make people feel that way if it occurred.

For anyone that is barely surviving... Right now you might feel like you won't make it. You might feel like you're not strong enough to get through this. You might feel like you are barely keeping your head above water. I just want to say, you will make it. You are strong enough. If you are getting through each day, you are doing great. A few weeks ago, i felt like i was going to snap. My anxiety was so bad, my intrusive thoughts were so strong that i was starting to believe them. But if you have read this far, that tells me you do still have fight in you, you are strong. If you made the decision to join this chat, you already making a positive change. If all you had enough energy to sign up for this chat, you did more than enough today and i am proud of you. It's hard, i know it is. This journey is freaking hard, but by giving yourself grace, patience, love and compassion, you will get through this. Im working on being more compassionate to myself. Maybe next week I'll work on self love even when im at a low point. Soon enough, at least my head, shoulders and arms with be above water. You got this, we got this.

18+ I am a male who’s been struggling with HOCD for six years now I’ve had a porn addiction since a very young age I’d say about nine years old ever since my hocd started getting worse I cannot look at guy and girl porn anymore I have to watch lesbian porn so my brain doesn’t try and confuse itself with the male but even watching lesbian porn OCD seems to attack me while I’m enjoying it it starts to tell me you would feel this good with a guy or you see how they just go for it it that’s how you will be with a male and I just cringe and get so fucking frustrated because I’m tired of overthinking this bullshit I have loved woman since I was a little kid I don’t wanna continue my life questioning my sexuality I rather be dead sometimes i’ve even avoided hanging out with male friends male family members or even just avoiding eye contact or even small talk with males on the street because I know my anxiety will kick in even using public bathrooms were males are there triggers me and I just don’t wanna use them if there’s anybody in there the confusion and the anxiety sometimes causes me to wanna vomit I get groinal response but never erections to these thoughts I do get tingly sensations in my mouth which make me believe I want to act upon oral sex thoughts and that is just the scariest and most disgusting thing

I saw some people here saying that they came out to but to their surprise there was no relief or anything. Now I really want to come out just to check if I feel relieved or not 😂

ok I have a question, does anything else have intrusive thoughts that compel them to do the opposite of what someone with ocd normally do? let me explain: suppose someone has harm ocd and they have this intrusive thought "what if I wanna drop my baby sister while I'm holding her?" etc now I think normally the compulsion would be that you avoid holding her at all so the thought would go away right? now what if the compulsion is doing the opposite, you go out of your way and hold your her whenever you get the thought to prove to yourself that you don't believe the it and it doesn't faze you ergo you're not a bad person. does that make any sense at all? I'm only saying this as an example but I do struggle with doing the opposite of what would make the thoughts go away, to prove they don't mean anything to me therefore I'm not my thoughts. I told my psychiatrist about it and she looked like she's never heard anything like that and I feel like maybe I'm faking things :/

This is the weirdest most dumb obsession and everytime i talk about it people dont understand. I am starting to think it isn't OCD. I'm crying right now and feel so shaky. I was doing so well why a new obsession?? Why?

I don’t even know the wrong from the the right anymore I don’t even know how to talk to people without thinking that I offended them or spoke to them in a bad way I don’t even know what i became I don’t want what I became i just cry looking at my hands I cry looking at myself i feel pathetic I feel so desperate I was never this weak and now look at me not being able to control my own behaviors. What happened to the girl who always laughed and cared so much about herself the girl who loved nail polish and was so close to god in away no one imagined what happened to the girl who used to take full grades and be the smartest what happened to me. Isn’t it sad looking at myself with pity, helpless and full of doubt! I don’t deserve this. I know what’s I’m gonna say know sounds selfish but i do compare myself to others I wasn’t as bad as them so why me and not them! Why me !!... I’m loosing my mind I’m getting angry when I’m left alone I’m giving ocd the keys for the prison it made for me I’m letting it control me not that I want to but im not fighting back. Now im with no friends, with a family that doesn’t understand ocd, and a corrupted society that doesn’t value mental health. I’m so sad i feel like a baby rn but im actually so sad and lonely im conditioned now to believe that no one wants me, that im just a burden and need to be silent, not important and useless.... Idk even know what to say anymore

Any tips on how to focus on studying while having a million thought?

Is this normal? I deal with violent intrusive thoughts and lately I’ve been trying to sit with uncertainty. But uncertainty came with a feeling of not knowing what kind of person I was, and it was desperate. I was afraid to be a bad person and a psycho, but I fear there is no way back to my normal self and I already turned into a bad person. How do I make sure I’m not a monster, I’m not a psycho? I hate not to be sure with myself, it’s distressing.

I'm gonna puke. Please help....

Accepting uncertainty isn’t accepting the thoughts as true. It’s accepting their presence without giving them meaning.

TRIGGER WARNING: COMPULSIONS, FAMILY ISSUES, DEATH (DEATH OF DOG AND FAMILY), FLASHBACKS, ETC. hi friends. i’ve been having a very rough time recently went i need to rant to someone other than my tik tok account lol. i struggle with severe older brother issues. my brother died when i was 2 in a car crash, so i never really had a brother. i had a cousin who was a brother figure, but he’s not around anyone kn the family anymore. i had a dog who was like my brother for nine years as mine wasn’t there, and he died, too. it was christmas night and he was having seizures. he couldn’t breathe. then i had a guy friend who was like an older brother, who left and stopped talking to me. this has formed severe older brother issues for me. i become attached to any man older than me, and start seeing them as my older brother. because of what has happened in the past, i cling on and become protective of them, knowing they are gonna leave eventually, which ultimately scares them away as i over share. this has happened too many times. and last night i was having a really hard time. i was missing my real brother, which led to me thinking about my dog and other people. i was really not okay last night. this triggered so many compulsions in me and it was so uncomfortable. it was probably almost the worst it had ever been. just thinking about it wants to trigger me. i hated it. i felt so weak. i tried to write a letter to my future self to help, but it didn’t really do much. only made me worry about my future. i finally went to bed around 5:45 am. this morning, around 9:30ish, i heard someone screaming. i thought it was just my dream, or a compulsion in my mind saying “go check on something” so i tried to block it out. suddenly the thought of it being a compulsion turned into a serious compulsion/thought, a deeper one that i’ve never had. so i got up, got my phone, and ran to the backyard to see. there, my mom layed on the ground with my dog, hysterical. my dog got a ball stuck in his throat. he couldn’t breathe. he almost died. my mom had just saved his life. when i got out there he was still traumatized, and the look on his face looked like the look on my dogs face when he died. this triggered too many compulsions and flashbacks and now i just feel numb. it was so scary. it is too ironic that last night i was so hurt because brother figures keep leaving me and i almost lost one of my brother figures today. i don’t know if that feeling was a compulsion, or a gut feeling, as they all feel the same. it’s been a really strange past 12 hours. thank you for letting me rant.

How do you sit with harm ocd thoughts? How do you accept that thoughts are just thoughts? Example: if I have a thought that You could kill someone or something what do you do ? Do you engage with the thought and run through what killing something would look like ?