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the NOCD Community

I’ve never heard of HOCD. When I read about it, it says “fear of being homosexual when you are straight or vice versa,” yet it’s still called “homosexual OCD.” I’m a lesbian and I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept because honestly the symptoms sound kind of homophobic? Constantly FEARING you might be gay? I’m trying to think of it from other people’s perspective and trying not to be insensitive, it’s just that when I was questioning my sexuality it’s because I was actually gay, and the symptoms sound a lot like someone just discovering their sexuality but being struck with fear and hiding it. Thoughts?

I literally hate suicidal OCD it makes me feel crazy from the time I get up until I go to sleep!! I literally just want it to go away I wish I could just stop caring about it because it’s robbing me of happiness !! I think to myself why are you wasting your days worrying about this stuff but then I continue to worry ??‍♀️??‍♀️?

I have had this app for a while now and have never felt like posting so hopefully airing out my mind will help me.. I have dealt with pure ocd for so many years now, everything from sexual to violent intrusive thoughts pretty much every thought/obsession you could imagine having and it has found a way to disrupt everything in my life that should be beautiful, it has it has weaved its way into area’s that disturb the peace so much so I feel like I don’t want to part take In enjoyable activities such as intimacy in fear that these thoughts will arise during those moments, for the record I for the most part have had a really good sex life in the past but a real issue I am having right now is losing arousal due to what is happening in my head, It is very confusing for me to even explain, and there are many many different variables of how this can play out... this has happened to me in the past with my ex girlfriend who I thought was a very attractive girl and had no issues with in the beginning but later in the relationship I would literally have these intrusive thoughts saying she was ugly or that she looked like a man or just other really nasty things that could come in all forms that I felt terrible about while having sex (this is one of many different obsessions that have affected me in this area), I would have this rush of anxiety and lose any arousal I had and couldn’t continue with sex or struggle to perform.. now she knew about my ocd so I could tell her exactly the thoughts I was having though be it a struggle..but it was like a weight off the shoulders when I did but very upsetting for the both of us but I would calm down and be okay again for a while at least... So ever since we had broken up which also had a devastating effect on my mental health I really hadn’t gone to great lengths to be intimate with many people because of all the issues and the stress of having to tell a new partner can be overwhelming.. so a couple of weeks ago I met up with maybe one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever had a shot with, so we ended up in the bedroom and It all just kicked in, automatically I was making up in my head flaws that she did not have, like tiny hairs on her upper lip were just blown out of context and all I could think about was that she had a moustache and that’s all I could hear, it was like my mind wanted me to think she wasn’t good looking or looked like something she didn’t when in reality she was gorgeous, this is really making me lose sight of what beauty is? I feel like I’m having trouble seeing beauty in anything.. it’s just grey now..I used to be able to just appreciate the way women looked and never be afflicted by this shit. this is seriously one of the most debilitating things and it makes absolutely no sense I could literally be with a super model and have this happen and as a result I am so overwhelmed by anxiety and guilt, that I couldn’t have sex.. try explaining that to an insanely good looking girl, I should have been the exact opposite of what I was it was fucking awful because I’m quite literally making up insulting things about the person without them knowing. Not to mention the effect it’s having on me FOR NO REASON! Ruining any real chance for to finally be happy, it’s so hard when there is no real authentic belief in these thoughts the fact that they come in to sabotage the moment and so frequently.. and the adverse effect it has on me physiologically me think there really must be some sort of truth...I am so depressed, have I dug myself so deep in this that I have created pathways for it to completely attack no matter who I am with.. I don’t know anymore I have no drive to meet any girls now because I’m terrified this will happen again. What do I do?

Does this make me a bully A few years ago there was this boy who loved in my street and I heard that my friend had seen them miss treat there kittens and I love animals so I wanted to know so I asked him and I kept asking him and I think I said you don’t deserve to have animals and that the rspca should take them and I think he was only about 11 and I was about 17-18 I was younger minded not that it makes a difference he once said he was going to tell his dad and I saw his dad come out but he didn’t say anything but it’s making me think did he think I was a bully was in in the wrong to say things what if it really upset him I don’t think I really thought about what I was going I was just upset but I feel like I want to know if he thinks I was a bully ? I don’t mean to be I wouldn’t never want to be I hate bullies ?

So the cycle: Obsession Anxiety Compulsion Temporary relief Can an obsession be an intrusive feeling rather than obsession?

I used to get intrusive images and like scenes played out in my mind that used to make me really anxious but they don’t bother me so much now I know its only a thought but sometimes now I’ll get intrusive thoughts that start with ‘I want...’ or ‘you want..’ even though I know I really don’t want those things and it feels so opposite to me but its stresses me out so much is that still classed as an intrusive thought?

Has anyone realized their OCD stems from trauma? Not just serious abuse necessarily although that too but other things too? My therapist and I discussed some family stuff of mine and how it could be related to my need to protect everyone or worrying about them being harmed hence harm OCD as my main theme. Plus I was kind of picked on a bit from elementary to high school and made to feel weird and bad about myself so I started to think there must be something wrong with me. On some level I think I still feel that way.

Does anyone else ever have this fear that maybe they are gonna be stuck with this illness forever? I keep getting mixed answers so I never know if OCD really can go away or not and even though I'm doing alot better now with medication, I sometimes get really sad and start thinking that I'm always gonna be like this and that I don't want a life with OCD

Just a quick message of caution. Before I was diagnosed with HOCD, I was convinced I turning exclusively Gay, so I went to a therapist, shaking, full of dread, fear and anxiety, I explained to him my instrusive thoughts, urges and feelings.... And to paraphrase, he said the reason I was feeling this is way is because, and I quote "you are repressing your sexuality", "if you do not come out as openly gay and live the lifestyle, you will forever be miserable and always anxious", "I advice you to re concile between your faith and your sexuality or else you will continue to remain depressed forever" and he went on and on and on (I was shivering with extreme fear the whole time) That was without a doubt, one of the worst days of my life, I left the room with extreme fear, believing everything he said, convinced I needed to come out and begin the process of living as a gay man, even though I WAS DYING internally. I am not homophobic however I don't desire to live as a gay man (even if i do have sexual intrusive thoughts about males) I don't desire to be sexually active with the same sex, again my own personal choice, nothing against those who choose otherwise. So please be cautious regarding the therapist you see, ensure they are a OCD specialist because a general therapist who has NO idea regarding Pure O OCD will only make things worse.

People in the UK with HOCD: have you been afraid to seek help because you’re worried that your GP won’t understand and neither will a therapist? I really need help, but I’m scared they won’t believe me, esp as I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD before.

I don’t even know how to begin ignoring my obsessions. I know that’s the only way to get rid of them, but I just don’t feel like I can. My habits are out of control. I can’t even use the bathroom in my own house without REALLY REALLY bizarre rituals.

How do you all deal with Sexual Obsessions? Let me just state that I have severe Relationship OCD as well as intense sexual obsessions. Most of these obsessions are actually pleasurable. Sometimes I have images about family or kids but for the most part, my sexual obsession are over someone i actually I find attractive. It is pleasurable to think about them sexually, but then I find myself feeling absolutely terrible and guilt for thinking about them or masturbating about them. My partner and I have just broken up for like the 4th time this year, mostly because of my anxiety. I feel intense guilt and feel ashamed. Because I cannot just have the thought, enjoy it and be done. It turns into “You have to break up with her.” Or “You clearly really want to have sex with this other girl so do it.” And just constant fantasizing and feeling ashamed because I get obsessed with literally any attractive girl I see and I hate it :( It’s very hard because my partner and I were in a long distance relationship, so we couldn’t be intimate very often and I just stopped enjoying it when we were because I was so in my head. I also am very hooked on pornography which I think might be a compulsion to my sexual obsessions. Thank you for reading. I know this is long. I was wondering if anyone had the same thing or if they had tips for how to deal with sexual obsessions! All I can do is distractions right now.

Guilt/ confessing compulsions: anyone else hate this theme? It seems like I have to tell every detail of things to my partner or I won’t be able to live w myself or it makes it “inauthentic” very frustrated

When was the first time you realized you may have OCD? Or what was that “final straw” that pushed you to get help?

Possible TW? Does anyone else with POCD see/read things like "You know you're not a pedo because it disgusts you" and wonder am I disgusted enough? or "pedos feel distressed at their thoughts" and think I'm distressed about these thoughts too? Or see people say "pedos are distressed that they won't be accepted and have normal lives" and think oh my god, I'm scared I won't have a normal life? It seems like anything people say that is meant to make me feel better or convince myself I'm not a pedo is only twisted around in my head so I'm even more convinced I'm awful and that all of these things are evidence of that

My ocd thoughts are really bad. Does anyone else have fears about their significant other?? I'm told it's ocd to worry that he's going to hurt me, or cheat on me, or that hes gay. I worry that everything could go wrong in our relationship despite no evidence. For instance, last night I was convinced he was going to hurt our dog. Our dog loves him so much and there was no reason for this thought. Can someone else tell me if they ever have thoughts like these. I have searched the internet but people with ocd tend to worry about themselves. Am I going crazy??

Second night of breaking down crying, i am tired of my head. My head hurts, i feel like a horrible person. I don’t want to do anything, i don’t want to go anywhere and i don’t know who i am anymore. I’m scared of what my life will become. I never thought i’d say this but i just don’t see the point in living anymore, i don’t care about what happens to me. I don’t feel anything but anxiety and fear. My life is horrible.

Maybe this will help someone. I have had Pure O / POCD / ROCD for about 18 years. Recently I’ve started to open my mind to all the negative thoughts, to just sit and say ‘Do your worst’. And when the thoughts come I refuse to deal with them, I just accept that these things might happen. And of course, when I feel like I’ve dealt with one thought, my OCD looks for another, and another...but I just deal with those in the same way. I feel like I’m tiring out my OCD, little by little. It can be really scary, but it definitely works. I don’t know how it works, but it does. In a few weeks I felt a lot better about two specific thoughts that I’ve had for literally the past few years. We all need to remember that the stuff we think works (rumination, reassurance) doesn’t, and the stuff we don’t think will work actually does! Stay strong everyone ?

I have literally never felt worse than I feel now. I can’t stop randomly telling my boyfriend of 4 years every little unnecessary and upsetting detail of every sexual thing I did with people in the short month we weren’t together over 3 years ago. This is after so far having one of the worst days as far as my ROCD in a long time, I’ve been confessing stuff all day but now it’s getting ridiculous and really hurtful. He’s considering leaving me because of the things I’m saying. I completely understand because after saying these things such as explicit details of these sexual encounters or my thoughts and feelings about them out of extreme guilt, I realize I’m sharing things that could ruin our relationship. But I can’t help it and now I’m miserable because I STILL feel like I have to keep going despite the fact he’s already almost gone. Help me

So the fact that i haven’t been officially diagnosed kind of makes my ocd worse. I’ve kind of become positive that I have it. Thinking back now, I can think of a few rituals I did as a child that could be seen as warning signs for OCD, but the debilitating stuff happened about 5 months ago in October. I saw a therapist for about a month and a half but she never gave me an official diagnosis and even though I asked, she just said it hasn’t been long enough to tell. It seemed like she wasn’t helping at all and wasn’t doing anything for me I couldn’t hear off of a forum such as this or an informative YouTube video so I quit going. I had problems this entire time but just this past week it has spiked up to the severity it was when it first started and is once again making me desperate for help! I think I want meds this time so I want to go to my regular doctor and ask. I guess my general question is how should I go about seeking help and can I say I have OCD even if it wasn’t officially told to me? This week has been very debilitating and the fact that I’ve been suffering for 5 months makes me believe this isn’t going to just go away.