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the NOCD Community

I can’t tell you guys how much this app has helped me control my anxiety and keep my OCD in check. I used to use Twitter as a venting tool but I found that people would just ignore me or ask me if I’m all right ‘cause “there always seems to be something wrong” or “one day you’re fine the next day you’re not.” It hurt. Getting asked so many times if I’m alright triggered my OCD into thinking that I wasn’t and felt the need to have something wrong. Also didn’t help that I felt like his ex was looking through my Twitter and laughing at me. The one time she did engage with me, the only time she felt bold enough to tell me how much of my man she made, she told me how depressing I was. Looking back I think maybe that’s why I was so upset and now about my actual boyfriend. All the remarks she made about him were just petty and could have been unsaid, I did feel bad for him though, but mine was uncalled for because she doesn’t even know me. She’ll never know me. Yet, for a whole year I feared her. I feared the woman he first loved and I felt so jealous of her and would have given anything to have been there first for him instead of him. I think I just wanted to feel important. When I talk to him about love, he is a romantic but I feel like part of him died when that relationship ended. He became painfully aware of how unhealthy it is to give your all to someone because it could end up like that so he’s not as devoted or rather doesn’t want to give himself up the way he did. I can see that even though he tells me all those wonderful things. That’s okay, ‘cause I learned that he’s partially right. I used to want this completely devoted and once in a lifetime love. Like the Princesses in the Disney movies. A fairy tale with someone built from the fragments of my imagination and molded from my deepest desires. I wanted to have a relationship in which we fell hard for one another and took care of each other. I don’t think I had a realistic idea of love and I always have the habit of putting myself last. I hope he heals from what he went through. I hope we grows out of that feeling and learns that there is such a beautiful world out there and he moves through the past with a stronger heart. It’s hard to leave someone you love so I can’t blame him for not healing faster but I’m not gonna wait for him for too long if he is indecisive. I have things to grow from too. I promise to love him, cherish him but I’m coming first now on. And for his ex, I’m not gonna ask for her permission to be happy with him through my compulsions of checking her social media to make sure she’s either busy with someone else or hasn’t mentioned either of us. Girl was wrong for coming into my messages with that bullshit but I forgive her and I hope that she moves on from this just as much as me and finds something that does give her happiness. I’m not cruel. It’s not in my nature to wish something bad on anyone. So that’s why it felt weird to resent her because my OCD wanted me to fear her. I don’t fear her, she was just someone I thought I needed to be for this relationship to work but I’m good. She’s not an example I want to follow and it’s always a good idea to be yourself anyway. For the past year I self inserted myself into his past and although I don’t expect change from him (I’m not going to worry about what’s she’s doing) I will expect a huge leap for myself. My feelings are valid. From the start I knew he was hung up on her still, I don’t blame him for it but he crossed the line by mentioning how much his mom loved her and how he told his family he was just going out with friends when he went to our first date. I had a reason to look to her to see what he liked but no reason good enough to stay. I just had low self esteem because I felt like I needed to carry this relationship. I’m letting go now. What may or may not happen is not up to me but what is is making sure I put my best foot forward and choose what’s right for me. I won’t let this make me petty. I won’t let this ruin my chances of it working out like we dream it will. But I need to separate my healing from his own and stop looking for her for permission of my own happiness with him. I’m not the plot of her revenge story, he’s not the savior of mine. I’m who I want to be and what I want to do is up to me. No one plays a part in my internal happiness, and no one plays the monster in my life. Not even OCD.

Can someone anwser a question if they can please?

I keep getting this intrusive thought that tells me to try and put something in my mouth like a glass bottle and perform sexual acts with it to see if I like it and it almost feels like an urge and my mind tells me that I won’t do it because I’m scared that I’ll like it and I’m scared to except that I’m actually gay this is so fucking scary it literally makes me grind my teeth squeeze my jaw hard and shake my head fast and roll my eyes I don’t know I do anything to get this thought out of my head but it won’t go away it doesn’t cause me an erection it causes me groinal up but not an erection it’s just scary like I get these urges and it’s scary and I don’t wanna do it because that’s just not who I am but then I get thoughts that I’m in denial and this and that it’s just so sad and frustrating does anybody have any advice

I can’t quite figure out how to explain it but before my ocd really showed itself, I had so many doubts about the relationship I was in but would cry at the thought of losing him. I felt so disconnected from him at times. I felt like there were things I didn’t like about him and that probably meant that we shouldn’t be together but I ALWAYS got upset with myself for feeling like I didn’t want him because I really thought I did at the same time? I felt SO disconnected. A few months before then, I had been sexually assaulted and thought maybe subconsciously, my mental health started declining from that which then led to relationship anxiety and then relationship ocd and then sexual orientation ocd. Idk because I’ve always just thought i had ocd but thinking now there’s more to it than that? Has anyone else experienced insanely cloudy thoughts/mind fog/disconnection of thoughts and feelings as opposed to intrusive thoughts? I’m sorry I can’t explain it well :/

Any tips for sitting with the discomfort other than going on your phone? Going on my phone is a coping mechanism to distract and numb out

SO-OCD TW really don’t know how to explain this but sometimes i feel envious of girls who are just really openly bi or gay. like i admire that confidence and ‘wish i was like that’. and i guess it’s more of a hypothetical. like if i really am bi or gay i wish i could just accept it and be like them. but i’m scared all this is just internalised homophobia and like i’m scared to express my true feelings or something. i don’t know anymore. saying i’m straight feels like a lie but i don’t think i’ve ever liked a girl. but then i envy overtly bi or gay girls? it just doesn’t make sense and idk what to think

Now I’m wondering if I even have ocd, in December when my theme of sexual-orientation ocd started I was doing so many compulsions, taking quizzes, googling coming out stories, comparing pictures of guys and girls, comparing straight and lesbian porn, ruminating about past and current relationships and friendships, ruminating about stupid things I did as a kid and even two years ago in my first year of high school. But I’m at a point now three months later where the anxiety is minimal and I don’t ruminate too much because I feel like my mind has gone crazy going through every possibility and I just don’t want to give in to those thoughts. My attraction to men is still low, i still find a bell going off in my head every time I see a pretty girl or something lgbtq+ related however my only compulsions right now are checking this app when I’m about to ruminate, occasionally going into Reddit and telling my grandma and friend about it. It’s subsided a lot which I’m grateful for but now that it’s still there I feel like I’ve given in somehow or like I truly am something other than straight but I hate that idea. I don’t want to like girls, don’t want to be intimate with one and I hate how sexualized they are in the media because it makes it hard to differentiate between arousal and genuine physical attraction but I still don’t want to be with one like that. I don’t know, anyone else feel like this ?

God is Alive Hope this helps someone. I know he is I have proof. Nothing to do with OCD.

Feeling like a burden to my family today. I’ve been speaking to them about possibly leaving my current cbt therapist to start therapy with nocd, however they seem very frustrated with me for wanting to switch therapists and for not being all happy and bubbly all the time. We don’t have much money so therapy is a big decision for us, I can tell my family and my friends are getting fed up of me :(

My ocd tells me I shouldn’t be forgiven for childhood sex play because I was older than than my sibling. It’s so hard I feel like I don’t deserve to move on with my life and should die. Even though my sibling loves me and talks to me all the time.

well, i might as well write something here. I'm feeling especially miserable today, came across this app and installed it. can't hurt, right? I'd be here all day if i had to talk about how and why and when my mental health started significantly deteriorating. i don't feel comfortable talking about why i deal with the issues that i do. I'll try to keep it short and focused on ocd. i guess I've always had these tendencies, and taking my lived experiences into consideration, i was pretty much cursed to be stuck where i am now. my ocd was initially a relatively standard harm ocd subtype. it had some peculiar aspects to it that I'd rather not get into at the moment. it was easy to get frightened and consumed by my unwanted thoughts. as a kid I'd spiral over conversations around me that triggered some sort of disgusting mental image. and the apparently unrelated physical rituals that i performed to calm myself down really only made it worse in the long run. here i am now, disabled by pocd, harm ocd, pure o, some sort of moral compass ocd. a lot of it has a sexual nature to it. i fear experiencing attraction or arousal to whatever causes an intrinsic response of disgust in me. a lot of it has to do with my fear of being destined to become an irredeemable person. I'm ruled by my own self hatred. after years of dealing with this illness and other comorbid issues, sometimes going into remission, the best way i can describe my case is as an "autoimmune disease of the psyche". i have developed many, many coping mechanisms, but my brain seems to adapt itself to the remedies i come up with, eventually weaponizing my own coping methods against me. i spend most of my daily energy containing whatever is haunting me in the back of my head. I'm sure I'd go insane if i just let it go loose. i deal with a vast network of thoughts that connect simple words to horrifying concepts which require me to engage in some sort of compulsion. it's inevitable for the most part. every single slightly alien sensation in my body causes an instant delusion-like belief in me that the worst is bound to happen. it's up to me to prove to such a superior force that it shouldn't make it happen by moving my eyes a certain way, coordinating some abstract notion of... something...? inside my head. it doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. I've tried to explain it in detail but so far i haven't met anyone else who can put themselves in my shoes when it comes to such a complicated ocd case. but obviously, I'm keeping it vague here. fear of uncertainty and the despair that accompany it govern me, i no longer feel like a person. I'm pretty much a walking corpse at this point. I've given up the hope of ever living a normal life. I'm grateful enough that i survive each day that passes by and i will continue to do so. my pessimism would probably depress most people, but it's strangely helpful. when i hoped for good outcomes, I'd get disappointed eventually. it gets better, but it never did, so there's no use establishing goals or milestones. i expect the worst, so nothing disappoints me anymore, and when good things do happen, it feels especially great. i made peace with my own miserable future.

i just read a tik tok comment on a video about disturbing intrusive thoughts and so many comments triggered me saying “this is scary” “you people are sick” etc. and i just started spiraling, i have POCD, harm ocd, inc3st ocd literally so many intrusive thoughts that cause me to panic and feel evil and reading those made me burst out in tears, i’ve never felt so alone. i would never do what my thoughts put in my head, i don’t want them, i don’t believe them, i just want to be a good person and have normal thoughts and i didn’t want this. i am so tired of people misunderstanding me, i DONT want these thoughts, they make me feel sick and evil and i pray at night they’d stop and they never do and now people are saying “you’re sick” and everything, i feel so lost.

So I am not that anxious about the thoughts anymore and sometimes when I see/hear something that can trigger a memory from my past that ocd says is a "proof" that I'm not straight, I try to not argue with it anymore because i noticed that whever I argue with my thoughts, i feel more anxious about it. BUT when I don't argue with my thoughts, it convinces me that I'm gay my whole life (even though I never felt that way). Plus the fact that I'm not anxious about my thoughts makes me want to be anxious but really, I'm too numb to be anxious right now even if I would want to be. Maybe I do get anxious when I do engage with my thoughts, but it really is convincing if I don't argue with it. Can somebody give an advice?

Having HOCD and being a parent hurts. It’s like I can no longer watch my own child.

I have been in a severe OCD episode since about July that has only gotten worse each month that goes by. I even did a partial hospitalization program and IOP from August-September. I am starting to feel hopeless. I am at the worst point in my OCD right now and have been have had serious fights with my boyfriend around it that is pushing him further and further away. My OCD targets him and my biggest fear is that I will lose him and my fear is starting to come true. I haven’t heard from him all day following our like 6th fight and I my anxiety is through the roof. I texted/called him like 10 times. Nothing can even distract me I am so worried I feel sick.

HELP ASAP!! When I was 7 I had a sleep over with my friend, I’m now 15, when he was sleeping I pulled down his pants a little bit to see what his butt looked like and I can’t remember but I might have touched the butt to se what it felt like. I then went to sleep, but I can’t remember if I touched the hurt I definitely pulled the pants down a bit to look but can’t remember if I touched. Does this mean I abused or assaulted him, or that I’m a bad person, or a sex predator, or even child predator for doing this once when I was 7. I feel so bad about it I can sleep and have lost all motivation, am I a bad person, am I a predator, or did I assault him? This is killing me am I a bad person or abuser please help??!!

Yesterday I watched the movie A Beautiful Mind and I thought, is there a fine line between OCD and schizophrenia? Just a genuine question.. what do you guys think?

How was your day today? How’s skl/uni/work?

Maybe it's my impatience. I do ERP (pictures, loop tapes etc.) and I've sat with anxiety and it got easier to do. But my thinking outside of ERP gets worse by the second. Right now my mind is in overdrive to convince me. And the loss of attraction shit (including focusing on old women) has made it worse. I am completely doubting HOCD. I am hopeless, depressed and utterly traumatized. I dont think I have anything left.

I have pure-o and I’m a Christian. My recent fear was worrying my child would die. That turned to what if I abandon my faith. Next was what if Christianity is all a lie...I’m stuck. I’ve tried all my strategies. I can’t even pray or read Scripture normally bc I feel like my brain and heart are disconnected. Anyone have any pointers?