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the NOCD Community

How’s everybody doing on this fine night. Use this space as venting box⬇️

Anybody up dealing with thoughts ? I’m just so tired

I was crying so bad, because I feel like I could actually act on my thoughts. I don’t want to, but I feel like a part of me is capable of doing it. When I’m around my family I get a feeling of disturb running through my body. This disturbing feeling, I feel it all the time. My head replays horrible scenarios that feel so damn real, they feel like if they were reality, and they feel like they are going to happen any second. I instantly think, do you want that to happen? Is that really what you want? And sometimes I just can’t prove that I don’t, and that is just too much for me to handle. I feel like a perverse monster takes over me. It’s hard for me to believe that I’m not what my thoughts say. I hate these horrible thoughts, they are so terrible and terrifying, but why do they feel like they have a big possibility of happening? Why can’t I be sure that I won’t act on my thoughts? I don’t want to act on my thoughts but why do i feel like a part of me does? I feel like they could really happen please help, the uncertainty is killing me...

Is anybody else extremely scared to start an SSRI? I can’t seem to get over the horror stories I’ve read online but my anxiety and OCD is so bad I don’t know what else to do. My biggest fear is them making me suicidal. Sometimes I wish I never had went on google looking for side effects cause it led me to all the horror stories. :/

My bf of 6 years accidentally said I have big beautiful brown eyes, while on the phone with me, but I have green eyes. He said it was just a mistake, instead of say big beautiful eyes and brown hair he mixed them it it just slipped out and felt really bad about it but I’m really triggered now. we had a long talk and I feel I trust him but anyone else in the world would say it’s a red flag. And I get why. So I keep thinking about what others may think and that they are right even though I know him more than others. And I have no one to talk to about this.

Hello everyone, My name is Tor and I have OCD (my nod to past AA meetings :)). Currently I’m listening to a podcast from ‘The OCD Stories’ with guest Dr Michael Greenberg. He has a slightly different approach to ERP. He calls his ‘RF-ERP’ and it focuses mostly on discarding rumination and habituation. I’m still deciding whether his approach is ‘better’ but I did come away with one thing: I realised that the ‘question’ my OCD constantly poses (or, taking agency, the question I constantly pose to myself) came before the intrusive images. Before I had OCD (age 19) I asked myself a question unconsciously and put it out of my mind, not thinking much of it. Then I started smoking cannabis (age 20) and the OCD began. But actually the question was asked before and I had no problem with not having an answer. Do you see? It’s as if the images were my mind’s way of offering an ‘answer’ to the question — a question which reared up again after the cannabis. But I was disturbed by the question this time because my thoughts (the images) did not align with my feelings. So that was a helpful thing to learn because if I go by Dr Greenberg’s approach, my focus ought to be on discarding the rumination. In simpler terms: discarding the question. With his approach, this is the first focus, before any exposure therapy. For me this is much easier than trying to go headfirst into exposure without having made peace with the question. Perhaps you can consider what the ‘question’ your mind is trying to answer is, for you. “Am I X?” “Does this thought mean Y?” etc. I also noted that he prefers not to use the term ‘intrusive thinking’, and uses a phrase that allows us to take more agency. You can find the episode online (Apple, Spotify, etc.) and it’s called “Putting Rumination and Agency at the center of ERP”. Good luck, dear warriors. Sincerely I hope you find something that eases your symptoms even just a bit, in the quest for complete freedom from OCD; that funny and awful condition the French call ‘the doubting disease’.

I feel like I’m stuck like this forever

All I want to do is ask for reassurance about every single thought I have. I really don’t know how I’ll ever be able to accept the uncertainty when the thoughts are about my sexuality, I feel like I have to work everything out. It doesn’t help that I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m a virgin, so I don’t even have past experiences I can rely on :((

If the content of our intrusive thoughts don't reflect who we are, what we want, or set out to do, why does therapy want you to habituate to the content of the intrusive thoughts?

I get really bad anxiety attacks at night. My boyfriend always used to let me phone him and he’d help me. He’s told me recently he can’t anymore because it’s too much. My entire ocd is based around people leaving me. I can’t tell whether it’s due to unlucky things or because he acc does need space. Bearing in mind I get where he is coming from but it’s just come on right around the time when I’m dealing with unlucky stuff being worst.

I keep getting scared that my ocd is morphing or is going to morph into schizophrenia and I’m going to start seeing hallucinations and hearing voices. My anxiety is so high. I think I’m scared bc I just don’t know how much more I can take on top of ocd. I’m questioning every sound and second guessing myself.

Had my first date with a guy today! I think it went well, we were really chatty and comfortable with each other! However I am worried as I didn’t feel “sparks” with him (maybe because we went on a walk so spent less time looking at him kinda thing) and don’t really really fancy him, so obviously all the ocd thoughts are kicking in (especially the HOCD ones) and now I’m starting to really panic, should I see him again and see if the fancying feeling grows? :(

New here and a little scared. I think I have so ocd (I have all the symptoms listed), something that I believe was triggered by something a person said to me. I used to get panic attacks and throw up from intrusive thoughts, until I learnt it was a real thing. I still feel anxious and have this thing where I have to say to my bf what I thought or it gets worse. I used to do the checking thing a lot, but I forced myself to not do it and now it's for the most part under control. Because of reading, researching and the incredible support from my bf, I'm doing better than I was last year (I'm still bad and have it on my mind every day). When I see beautiful women on tv, especially blonde women closer to my own age, I do a sort of internal flinch and go to "check" but stop myself. I find that I notice them/pay attention to them more and feel intimidated by them which sets my anxiety off along with some intrusive thoughts. I message my bf and work through it by messaging him and calm down. I feel a little uncomfortable after it and don't know how to like continue watching. It'll be like is looking checking or looking away avoidance? And I used to have back to back nightmares linked to socd, so bad I got anxiety over sleeping. I still have those nightmares occasionally, however, when I wake up from normal dreams and normal bad dreams, I wake up feeling anxious and the first thought is "lesbian" or "I'm not gay" in order to reassure that I am straight first thing when I wake up and to replay any moments with a female figure in the dreams to "check" it wasn't anything where I liked her. These bad dreams wake me up early hours of the morning. What is the best way to calm down, stop thinking about the dreams and thoughts and go back to sleep? Also because I am doing better now I have a name for these unwanted thoughts and anxiety, and am practising the exposure thing on my own, I have anxiety about not having anxiety sometimes when a thought invades my mind, which makes me feel like I am lying and don't have socd and that I am gay when I really don't want to be. When my bf kisses me and says really lovely things about me, especially in a romantic way, I feel so horrible and like a bad person because I feel so guilty about the intrusive thoughts. That's also a trigger for me and one that I certainly do not wish to have. He's the most amazing man in the word. We've been together 8 years in May and one day I want to marry him. He's been super understanding and helpful about the socd and intrusive thoughts. It's not who I am at all and deep down I know that I am 100% straight. It's the response to attractive women and feeling uncomfortable, the bad dreams and the lack of anxiety that are now the main issues for me. I can't afford any help right now, being unemployed because of the pandemic, but am trying to find free help but with specially trained professionals (difficult for where I live). So any advice on how to watch tv comfortably, or how to fall asleep after a bad dream with anxiety, or how to stop feeling anxious and like a liar about having ocd in the first place, would be very helpful. Thank you :)

Does medication help calm down OCD? I feel like I may need to be medicated for a while, but maybe I just don't try hard enough and I am worried medication will change me. Does anyone have any input on this?

my ocd has been better the last couple of days because no matter what there’s still no answer but something that has worried me is that i did used to be addicted to lesbian porn and there was two posters in this adult store of women having sex together and anytime i see a picture like that or think of me having sex with a girl really turns me on and i feel maybe in the future i might be more open to experimenting but still i don’t get turned on by thinking of me and my bf having sex nothing happens but EVERY SINGLE TIME i get turned on if i think of lesbian shit no matter what. and it’s not a groinal either. i get wet to that shit and masturbate to fantasizies of that. can someone tell me is this due to my porn addiction that i had to lesbian porn? maybe my body is so used to reacting like that it jjst automatically does it. idk not reassurance i just want to know is it due to porn bc i think it might be.

You know I wake up with ocd and it really sucks. Having to feel an arousal feeling on my balls as I wake up. Noticing my balls as I wake up. Feeling some anxiety as I wake up. And all I can do is notice it and go about my day. Try to live a normal life. Having to notice thoughts but still walk around like normal. Eating healthy like I used to do. Watching tv like I used to do. Go to the gym like I used to. Be able to look around and notice people like I used to while I’m having either my hocd thoughts coming out or my ocd thoughts that pop up when I see a girl and all I can do is just notice it and try my best to not breakdown and cry. To not feel as if I have no meaning in life. I try explaining this to all the therapist’s I see but don’t get help for it. I mean they wouldn’t do nothing about it cuz I’m already doing erp on my own. Either they try to get me anxiety or encourage me to keep going. My 1st ocd specialist was just trying to get me anxiety again she never thought to encourage me cuz all she was trying to do was get me anxiety and it sucked. Like some encouragement would’ve probably been better but no. I guess that’s why I feel she didn’t believe me cuz she didn’t encourage me to keep going or that I’ll get my life back if I keep trying to do things like normal. I mean my depression is really that bad that it made it hard to keep doing things I once liked to do and didn’t receive any encouragement. Who knows maybe she thought I was bi and I was just in denial of it but I thought in order to be bi you have to actually like both sexes and not just the opposite or have sexual fantasies of the same sex or be able to think about sex with a dude and get hard by it on your own when you think about it smh. I mean if my thoughts were clear when trying to think about sex with women I would get hard all the time I thought it was supposed to be the same for the same sex too if you were bi but she knew more about me than myself apparently but yet I never felt bi or gay. I’d have instances but not true feelings just instances of feeling lonely and hate for myself all cuz being with a women or trying to be with a women is just so damn hard when I’m the way that I am. I mean it’s tough. It was always tough for me. Choosing to be fit and healthy and wanting a career or just choosing to have a career and not caring about what lifestyle I have cuz I have someone. Like that’s why I went to therapy to understand my life and what’s meaningful to me but never got an answer or help imo and it’s just my opinion and how I feel so it doesn’t sound like I’m just bashing when in fact I really felt I didn’t get the help I was looking for. I’ve left therapy with more questions than answers and I thought therapy was to help clear my questions not create more questions and seeking more answers. I’ll end it with I’m still in need of help but will I ever get it probably not but it’s just the way it’s always been for me I’ve always had to figure it out on my own without no ones help even when I’m asking for help I still don’t get it.

I’m trying really hard to not listen to my thoughts but they’re starting to feel so real like it’s stopped saying what ifs and started saying statements like “you’re not happy, you don’t like your partner, you need to leave them” and it’s giving me anxiety and scaring me it’s not my OCD anymore, any strategies to help with this cause I’m trying really hard to not engage or try understand them but it’s making it feel more real

Can i ask someone a question ?

Any Christians available to talk? Not against others just think other Christians would understand best rn :)

Hi everyone, I am Matt, I’m 24, and my OCD came back. I was wondering if anyone else can reach out to contact me and share their experiences.