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extremely long rant incoming . i don't think there's any hope for me left. i can't explain my symptoms, ocd or whatever this is has become second nature to me, i don't know what it feels to be "normal", sometimes i even forget i have ocd because all these rituals just feel so automatic and like the norm to me. i wake up taking it for granted that there's something wrong with me, or there's something i need to look out for, i assume i am a threat to everyone and must "control" myself and my environment by doing compulsions, my pocd is so fucking stupid, i woke up doing checking compulsions to ensure im not attracted to a 12 yo anime boy (killua from hxh) and i felt so paralyzed by fear, later on i was talking to my brother and he was telling me about his ex-gf and i was almost unconsciously checking for feelings of jealousy, throughout the entire interaction i was plagued by uncomfortable sensations and had to check i wasn't enjoying anything, one of my friend's 13yo brother was talking to us in our groupchat today and i had to withdraw from the conversation fearing what if i found myself attracted to him, this is literally all i do all day i would rather drink toilet water than have a meaningful interaction with a really young boy out of fear of being attracted, seriously. in the past few days ive also had 3 intrusive dreams in a row, they felt so heavy, and you know that feeling when you wake up from a dream and you think that it was all real? that's how i felt. i woke up and the first thing i felt was immense guilt and hopelessness (i remember hitting the wall out of. frustration) because i thought i had acted on my thoughts and it would take me a while to snap back to reality. i don't feel miserable or angry. i feel numb. neutral. even happy at times. not because of this, but because this is the new normal to me, and i don't understand why my brain decided this is the way i have to live now to ensure my well-being. i don't think i have a choice. i guess you could say i could spend time with my family members, talk to young boys, and ignore my ocd, but i can't take that risk. it's just too much to bare.

I am literally so worried and overwhelmed right now. I have no idea what the hell is going on with me. I woke up from a nap today and I had a terrible thought. The worst is that I felt like I was considering it. I thought of doing something terrible to my mom and my sister. And I think I CONSIDERED IT. What the actual freak!! 😭 I feel like I am a psychopath. That’s it. I feel like I’m a freaking psychopath and like I want to do all these things but I’m trying so so so so hard not to do it or for it not to happen. I am so freaked out because I feel like I will end up doing it sooner or later, at some point of my life. I don’t know how to escape it, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ll get home and do all what my thoughts say. I feel like this evil side will take over me. I feel evil. And I don’t know how to escape it. I hate it, I flew all through the country to come to see my sister and I was so excited to see her, and now this horrible thing has ruined everything. I am terrified. Help, please.

Is anyone here interested in reality/shifting or manifestation? I was rlly into manifestation before but I kept obsessing over is it working or not and I tried to shift a couple times but I never could

I think my therapist doesn’t believe I have ocd, and that in itself is a bit frustrating because I’m not even sure I have ocd, where would I go to find out for sure? Because she doesn’t seem open to finding out if I do or not.

Has anybody has real event ocd around not being authentic around someone? As in, you were tense and not yourself? It comes more with chronic regret as oppose to chronic guilt. Just wondering if anybodys had that particular theme?

How do I get over my fear of aging?

it feels refreshing when i have those periods throughout the day where i completely forget that i have hocd

18+ ONLY This is kinda stupid but I’ve never done anything sexual or romantic with anyone ever. The most I’ve done is a light hug and that’s it😬. I keep thinking and wishing I had those experiences in high school, even tho that’s so stupid. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Any insight?

My husband’s current energy and attitude makes me want to go somewhere else. He’s all stressed because we have a lot of housework to do. It’s on my list, but I have other things I NEED to focus on first—things due tomorrow. His attitude is really starting to trigger me. My chest is tightening; my stress and anxiety are bounding. My motivation and productivity are plummeting. I’ve gently shared this with him and am trying to meditate with my dog, but he keeps creeping on that too. Any suggestions are welcome!

I know that I’m not gay, but there’s always these thoughts telling me that I am. Or that I might be, there will be intrusive thoughts that make me cringe and make me stop whatever I’m doing because that simply isn’t me. It’s not only with gay thoughts, it seems like every week a new form of intrusive thoughts take over and make me argue with myself. For instance, one week it may be gay thoughts, the next it might be self harm thoughts, and the next it’ll be whether I love my girlfriend or not. I try to let the thoughts happen but i fear that if I do then they might be true and I know that they aren’t so I try to fight them.

Struggling with some new thoughts recently but i dont know if they are ocd related or not so i was wondering if anyone could relate at all. Basically i think i have exaggerated symptoms of things in the past for things not related to my ocd themes but im not sure if i was or if i did it on purpose or if i actually did. And im also constantly worried im faking my ocd symptoms/exaggerating them so i googled it (bad idea) and now i dont know if i have factitious disorder and im faking everything for attention and its making feel really guilty and like i need to confess to people what i did/am doing. Plus im worried that im using that as an excuse to stay in denial about my soocd theme as well.. its a big mess in my head and i feel so stuck and im a terrible person. I feel like i used to convince myself i had worse symptoms than i actually had and now i cant remember everything which is stressful. I also feel like i cant get ocd therapy now because im faking everything and i cant trust myself because im subconsciously just trying to get attention.. any advice would be appreciated.

i do not feel that much distress towards the thoughts, nor anxiety, which makes them feel so much more wanted :( it all feels like i desire it, and the checks feel like fantasies not just tests :( i don't feel like this is hocd anymore, i don't get severe headaches or nausea, i feel like i can just "stop" thinking about them and that they're neither intrusive nor obsessive. it feels like i would like doing stuff to girls and being with them, but i really don't want to!

why do I feel like I would actually like eating 🐱?? is it me talking or my hocd??

I've currently been struggling with something that is going to make me sound like a piece of shit, even I recognize how messed up it's going to sound. Over the past couple months, I have been worrying about the proper way to interact with POC without coming across as racist. I know, this is already awful. I consider myself to be an ally who supports POC & civil rights movements. I'm ashamed of white people as a whole honestly, we've oppressed POC from the beginning of time. I've been even more so in the past year. I feel like my OCD has recently attached to this though. At least, I think it has, or maybe it's guilt knowing I'm white and part of systemic racism problem as a whole. When I pass a POC on the street, or in a place of business, I'll immediately start to get thoughts like "Am I coming across as rude? Am I being nice enough? Am I being too nice? Am I smiling too much? Am I smiling enough? Do I look uncomfortable? This isn't about me, so why am I anxious? Stop being so self centered. Are you appearing racist? What if this POC thinks I'm racist? That's awful to assume what they think. Stop making this about you!" And basically the entire time I'm trying to interact with someone of color, I have all this anxious dialogue in my head and I probably physically appear to be anxious, which in turn I'm sure the other person thinks "Why are they acting so tense/afraid?" It's not that I'm afraid of, or dislike POC, I'm way too overly cautious, I recognize that, and it's actually coming across as racist. And I don't want to make this about me, because it's not, I can only imagine the racism POC have to endure on a daily basis. It's like my own OCD/anxiety is getting in the way. I hate it. I want to get over it. I don't know why it's coming up, but I want to get past this. It's all really disturbing to me, especially when I walk past/ talk to a POC & all these thoughts are rushing through my head. I know I appear visibly anxious, I just know I do, and I'm sure it's coming off as racist. I wish I could come out and tell the person "I'm sorry for this visible anxiety. I have severe OCD/anxiety/intrusive thoughts & none of this is because of you."

Core Fears I keep reading in articles that some say it is really important to know what the core fear is and I keep thinking that i need to get to this to really move forward. This hasn’t been explored much at all in my therapy with NOCD. How do I get down to my core fear and is this really needed? I know my triggers, avoidances and compulsions but I don’t think I really grasp what I am truly scared of. Is it hurting my partner, rejection, embarrassment? Won’t ERP just be prolonged torture until I get to the root of what I’m afraid of so that I can tackle that? Would trying to find my core fear be a compulsion or something worth trying to find out?

This is in regards to porn usage so 18 + So I used to read nsfw fanfic a lot , as a kid and an adult. Ive been questioning and ruminating lately over fanfic over characters with unconfirmed ages , and not knowing what age I imagined them in my head while reading. This is coming from someone who has unfortunately been exposed to a lot of taboo porn in the past and never really thought about it until my ocd developed. I have POCD and this has been really difficult for me to wrap my head around. Does anybody else have ocd with porn usage ? I'm questioning my motivation so much , and I'm worried if I go back and find the fic their ages will be confirmed somewhere . Even if I aged them up in my head or never saw the characters as younger than 18 (they were either 17/18 at the start of the show and my age by the end of it ) it still is bothering me . Just wondering if anyone else relates. Its very hard not to see porn usage as acting on intrusive thoughts

Tw pocd I know for a fact that these are unwanted intrusive thoughts not really sexual at all just more anatomy based but it’s freaks me out so much because I don’t want to think about this stuff like it’s so gross and disgusting. It makes no sense as to why I would get such sick thoughts. Just wondering if anyone relates I guess. I posted about it earlier but I just thought maybe someone could help me out. I absolutely hate this. It’s like the thoughts try to be so convincing like “you like the thoughts” or “you’re curious about these thoughts” I want to go cry in a corner

Apologies in advance for the babbling. I'm kind of scared to have therapy. I mean, I've had it twice before (not for OCD, just for general stuff) but I never really felt an impact from it. It may have been because both instances were child therapists that would report back to my mom. I've never been comfortable with indulging information about mental illness with my parents, because they'd react quite badly. For example, when I was ~13 I had suspected that I had Autism SD, specifically Asperger's, since I fit the bill. I told my mom, and she told me that I did have Autism, as I had a Speech Therapist when I was a baby who informally diagnosed me with it. But of course, I was "cured" from it. She didn't really believe in me until years later my sister got a PWD card for her own mental illnesses. Then, she let me go to my sister's therapist in hopes of getting a second discount-I mean diagnosis. I didn't really want to go to that specific therapist because he may already have an impression of me before I even met him, but every other therapist nearby was booked. I hated talking to him. I felt like I had to put on a nice girl show because most of his questions revolved around my school and other patients he'd talk about. I prefer taking my time to explain, but he just kept cutting to the chase and saying "That's normal" befote I could finish explaining. The first two sessions were unsuccessful, and the therapist just said I was normal. I decided to just spill all the beans on the third session, but the pandemic stopped me. I was supposed to continue online, but my mom asked if she could have the therapy instead because she was so stressed. Context: Separated parents, dad paying for most things, including therapy. I caved in. Now, my dad thinks that I still have therapy, so I literally can't pay for a session anywhere. I can't use insurance either, because I'm from another country and I don't have medical. I barely have any money saved up because my mom takes it too. On top of that, I'm terrified of having online therapy at home because I don't want any of my family members hearing me. I share a bedroom with my nuclear family (excluding dad) and the walls are extremely thin. The closest thing I have to privacy is my phone passwords. None of them know that I suspect myself to have OCD, and my mom literally told me (not in English so it's not verbatim), "I can't have two children with mental illness," so I guess my slot's been taken. I've been telling myself to wait until college so I can utilize services in school, but don't know how much longer I can stay sane. If anyone has any suggestions that are hopefully free, please help a gal out! I guess I'll be posting more often?

Strange strange stuff this HOCD (if it even is real) One thought when I was high as a kite off edibles has turned my life upside down sucidial every single day would love to close my eyes and not wake up. I am certain in my own mind I love girls, even the smell of a girl can turn me on But for some crazy reason I can’t stop thinking if am gay this and that when deep down I really don’t think I am but why can’t I stop obsessing about it? I’ll be masterbating to lesbian porn, just regular porn and be really enjoying it but then out the blue I get a picture of a gay person I know and you would think if I was gay that would turn me on but it knocks me sick and just makes me not wanna masterbate at all, but why the f*** is that thought in my head then? So hard to understand something I can’t even understand my self, going threw the motions at the moment and literally don’t know how long I can last.

Rumination doesn’t actually lead to solutions, and can leave you more depressed, anxious, and unsure. How do you stop ruminating?