Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Long ago I used to flirt with a friend while horny (yes I know that’s bad) and I’d lead him on to think I was into him by accident twice. (Again I’m horrible) One time I couldn’t take it anymore and I fully admitted I didn’t mean to do that and that I won’t do it again, although I knew he very much liked me. I felt guilty but then I started dating other people and stopped talking to him. Only saw him as a friend completely afterward Now I’m with a longtime boyfriend and I’m having these “stop and go” type thoughts. One day I am really happy with him but when we fight or something drama related happens I go completely the opposite way and threaten to leave a lot constantly and then I stick around and I’m like “wait don’t go.” And I’m left wondering “am I being the same way I was with my friend I lead on?” “Do I actually love my partner? Or am I just horny?” Because I’m usually happiest when I’m ovulating. Everything stops bothering me like a house could collapse or a fire could burn it down and I’d just not give a shit. That’s how happy I sometimes get on my second or third day of my period. I start to wonder “is this feeling gonna last or am I gonna be miserable with my boyfriend next week. I’m hoping this lasts” Yesterday I was looking online for the types of wedding dresses I’d want for me and I remember thinking “what if this feeling doesn’t last and I’m back to doubting the relationship next week and start thinking about my old colleague or hot coworker again? Also, what does this all mean?” I’m really confused and wondering if I only see my current boyfriend as a friend secretly like I did with my guy friend I sadly messed with a while back before we dated, but don’t wanna admit it since i don’t wanna be alone or if I truly love him and actually want this to work so I say “wait don’t go” Please help. Today seemed like a really good day with my boyfriend. I was really happy and felt alive. But I’m worried it’s my hormone levels that’s making me happy and not my true self But I’m not sure

As someone who suffers from OCD, particularly intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions, I understand the debilitating experiences others go through because of OCD. I've been there. Before I had the tools to combat OCD, every time I had an intrusive thought, I'd spend the entire day in mental analysis, logically deciphering a thought in the hopes that it would eventually disappear. Of course, that never worked. If this sounds familiar to you, I can tell you firsthand that you don’t have to endure life in despair. Even if you’re paralyzed by intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions right now, your days can be so much better. You can stop ruminating and live mentally free, but it takes a change in perspective. Life is short with no time to waste. Read more about how I stopped ruminating and started living. I hope that what I learned on my journey can help you live a good life and overcome OCD.

Has anyone used any kind of cannabis for ocd. I tried it a couple of times and it just made my anxiety worse (I'm told it's the thc). Any info will be appreciated.

This post is for all my religious/Christian brothers and sisters on here. I wanted to share an experience I had about 10 years ago that I think might be a strength to some of you who have dealt with scrupulosity/religion based OCD. Ive had scrupulosity since I was 6 years old. Took me until I was 21 to really figure out that something not normal was going on - owing to the subject matter of my anxieties I never felt comfortable bringing them up to people. So I figured that my obsessions were God/my conscience telling me I was doing bad things. Back in 2011, I didn’t know I had OCD. I hadn’t even considered it. I knew I had anxiety and was on medication for that. I had never heard of ERP. One particular day I was ruminating pretty hard. I had remembered something “weird” I had done as a teen. I had become convinced that it was somehow illegal (it wasn’t,) and that the only way I could possibly gain forgiveness from God was to turn myself in and serve a lengthy prison sentence in order to “pay” for my sins(WTF.) So, as was my regular compulsion, I knelt at my bed saying repetitive prayers begging God to help me feel as though I had been forgiven, and begging that I wouldn’t have to go to prison or any other such horrible thing. And as was par for the course, no relief was coming. Not from God, not from myself, and not from anyone else. Suddenly though some inspiration cut trough all the noise right into my center. And it was something I had never really considered. I didn’t hear a voice, but the inspiration was clear enough that was almost as if I had. The thought that came said, impactfully, “Stop. Stop praying. Stop fighting. Lay down on your bed and just let yourself feel it.” So I did. A few minutes passed of me just feeling anxious and not trying to stop it, at all. And then, suddenly, the anxiety just… basically melted away and I was filled with the most brilliant feeling of love and acceptance I have probably ever felt. And I realized something important: when I have anxiety, by accepting it and not fighting it, spending time in that dark place, I am following the example of Christ in some small way when he willingly allowed himself to suffer and die for each of us. And that in a way, when I allow the anxiety, and don’t try to run away, I am spending real time with Christ in that moment when he prayed, saying “not my will, but thine be done.” It wasn’t until a while later that I started learning that what I have is OCD, and started hearing something about ERP. When I heard about ERP for the first time I was floored, because in its basic form it was essentially what God in his mercy had taught me to do a few years prior. So everybody. To me, ERP is the REAL DEAL. Not just scientifically but spiritually. Keep up the good fight, do your exposures, and spend those dark moments with the Lord. Have a good day and I hope my experience and witness of Christ can strengthen you in your own fight with OCD in some way.

My problem is ruminating. Before this onset of OCD I was an over thinker, over analyzer, basically everything in the book along those lines. With social anxiety to boot. The reason this is so bad is because I am an introvert not only that but I prefer to be alone, I thought I was asexual in middle school but I ended up liking a girl so I decided that didn’t make sense. But after she rejected me I had a crush on a girl my freshman year of high school but she was like levels above me so I just admired from afar, did the whole “find a pornstar that looks like her” thing that all weird high school boys do. I even remember the Actress I chose for her doppelgänger, Leah Gotti… lmao. Pretty inappropriate I know. But with that out the way I said before that ruminating is my problem. But with things like body dysmorphia that shares similar symptoms with OCD my ruminating helped me in the end. Since I’m new to this severe OCD game I don’t know how to control this. I have always been a deep thinker and I usually spend months on one certain topic be it how I can improve myself or an insecurity or a fear. Usually a logical explanation worked… but with how I am right now I fear I will take a step off a bridge in the future. It’s like my mind had turned on me, I can ruminate and be aware but that doesn’t take away the anxiety for long, it’s like it’ll target each and everything that can possible be perceived as gay in my mind which there are practically no ways that can prove I’m not but a million that can prove I am. I don’t think I’m in denial but even saying that makes me feel like I’m in denial. I’ve practically beat away every obstacle that it has thrown at me but I’m overwhelmed now. This is too much, I haven’t cried but I’m on the verge of tears because of this. I miss the person I was, I miss the confidence I had in my sexuality while I also miss my overthinking towards everything else besides this. So this is destroying me, my dreams, and my spirit. I’ll tell you nothing helps because I won’t let it subconsciously, I know I’m not gay, I hold off complete distress with my overly logical mindset. I don’t even know compulsions to natural instinct anymore. Im still attracted to girls but it’s like it’s locked behind a door, I know I don’t really fit under these terms like internalized homophobia and basically everything surrounding denial. But my mind obviously says otherwise. It seems everyday it throws something completely different at me. Like when this started it was mainly fear that I was just gay because no reason at all. I did research and made it worse, became fear of sexual attraction with having sexual intrusive thoughts, then I basically overcame that within a week or two, and then it targeted romantic attraction, because I researched again while I was in a state of minimal anxiety. After that I’ve been dealing with fear that these are urges and not intrusive thoughts, but now it’s weird because it’s like I’m not worried about romantic or sexual attraction, it’s just I’m hyper aware to the point of being ridiculous. So a week ago I started ruminating a lot with the lack of intrusive thoughts because I had basically loss all stress about sexual intrusive thoughts and they basically never came anymore. But I disguised my ruminating as mindfulness but it was just me ruminating in the end of the day. So the romantic attraction didn’t last long, it was way too far fetched. Soon I realized that I was doing a lot avoidance compulsions, walking into the back room at work to be away from people etc. but anyways that is still something I do. One thing though that just started today. Is my hyper awareness got waaaay worse. Before I would look at a dude and think that was a reason to say I was gay. But now if a dude is even in my peripheral vision that is also a reason. It’s so silly and when I really think about it I find it so ridiculous. But it seriously fucks with me man. Anyways with that I wanna ask what are some tips to stop ruminating?

What works for me (living with POCD) (Sorry for my bad english, feel free to correct me). - Leaving the house, yes I will be that is difficult; - To walk; - Doing my Hobbies (reading and writing). - Stay with the family; -Being alone and noticing that I won't do anything bad; - Eating even if I don't want to; - Leaving social media and meditate; - Pretending that thoughts are clouds; - Throughs are just Throughs, you can't move a feather w your throughs; -Accepting groinal response doesn't make you disgusting or are some kind of verification about your feelings. THIS IS YOUR ANXIET/OCD (seriously, I have this without throughs or images). Stay safe, guys.

Anyone else on here have a spouse/SO who is also OCD? I’ve kinda figured I’ve had it since just after we were married. We’re now just starting to both realize she has it too. Mine isn’t the “stereotypical” versions of OCD everyone’s familiar with so it took me a while To figure it out. Hers also isn’t but it manifests so differently than mine that it kind of flew under our radar. What are the odds that two OCD-Havers would end up getting married without knowing they had OCD?

Do you ever feel like even though you're looking at 18+ porn that somehow you're doing something wrong? I never use to feel like this until I started getting all these POCD kinda thoughts now I see it as a sex drive out of control even though before this same behavior really didn't bug me.

I have severe Pure O. It’s around my OCD thoughts themselves (OCD about OCD). I can’t stop noticing my thoughts - 24/7 - and it brings me deep anxiety. I fear my life is to be lost to this looping existence and the longer this goes on the more evidence accumulate that this is true. My compulsions include deep rumination about the problem, Googling, buying books on OCD and well, doing posts like this. I’m with an OCD specialist who specialises in ERP. I’ve done a lot of the E but I think I’ve been struggling with the RP. I’ve reduced the active/positive compulsions but I really cannot stop my brain looping and ruminating - which is by far the worst of it. In a situation like this - do I (a) try and stop the thinking/rumination or (b) learn to accept that thinking/rumination? Because I find it almost impossible to do (a) - it tends to get worse when I try and stop it. Any help folks can give would be gratefully received.

what is strange to me is that when i don’t fantasize about a threesome or something lesbian my hocd is like nonexistent and then once i do and orgasm my hocd starts to get bad it’s like it’s the only trigger now which is good and another thing it takes me longer to orgasm to my boyfriend than it does if i add a girl in there. i honestly just want a future with him and to have kids experimenting isn’t necessary to me but it’s so weird. i wanna know why it’s like that for me.

so when I was about 10, I remember was sleeping over at my friend’s house. i remember nothing else except when she fell asleep, i was staring at the ceiling and I was thinking to myself “i’m a lesbian.” nothing had happened, but for some reason i was thinking that. i’ve gone over that night a thousand times over and over but I can’t remember anything else. then, when I was 11, I remember I was thinking about being a lesbian for a few days. during these few days, i looked up the hashtag #lesbian on instagram, stared at girls butts at volleyball practice trying to see if I liked them, and one night, i went downstairs to sit with my parents far past my bedtime. my dad had been drinking and for some reason, the topic of who i would marry came up and he said “when you marry a man, hell you might even marry a woman!” and I felt happy that he had said that because I was thinking about it at the time and i thought to myself “oh my god he just said that” and i sat down with my mom. so i think what caused those few days of questioning was a “crush” i had on an older girl at girl scout camp. i say “crush” because i don’t know if it was; i don’t THINK it was. I thought she was very cool and I wanted to be her friend and she dressed so cool and I was excited that we were in the same group and so in my head I was like “you have a crush on her” but I was like ????what I don’t think so anyways after those few days of questioning, i completely forgot about it and just carried on being completely boy obsessed. never crushed on girls, never looked at women in “that way”, i was really just boy crazy. later that year, I had my first “big crush” on a boy at school. I thought he was the best person to ever exist. my heart raced when he texted me, i thought about him 24/7, I was in a generally euphoric state during the period which i felt I was in “love” with him. i would lay awake at night happy crying because i liked him so much. id write his name on the shower door, id talk to anyone and everyone about him, etc. this carried on for about six months, but he was never interested in me so i moved on. fyi i’m young for my grade so this all happened in sixth grade/summer leading up to 7th. I also started puberty at around 9. then, on december 21st 2013, i went to the mall with my friend and my mom and all day, i had this weird feeling in my vagina, like just there was a feeling like an ache, and it was literally to every single woman i saw- old, fat, ugly- it didn’t matter. then we were in line at the food court and i remember thinking, “this means you’re a lesbian” and I was like “no, i dont look at girls like that!” but then I was like “oh jesus do I??”. then it went away for like, 2 weeks, but as i spent time alone watching movies over christmas break, i just kept getting these thoughts that i might be gay, like creeping into my head like "you need to think about this" and id be watching movies and feel like a single pulse to completely non sexual stuff of women. and so i did think about it and it was all i was thinking about, but I wasn't having like terrible anxiety, it was more like I just was thinking about it so much and felt removed from myself. like id be looking at a conventionally pretty actress in a movie, and i would feel ****sorry this is NSFW***** a single pulse down there? it was so weird, and nothing I had ever felt before but I didn't like it. anyways, i went to school after break for one day and i was still thinking about it, and so I said "if this is still happening, then I'm going to talk to mom about this". and so I told my mom, she told me it was perfectly normal to be thinking about this because i was going through puberty, and she told me it didn'[t mean i was gay or bi. then she said, even if you turn out to be a lesbian, we will love you no matter what. and I felt so happy that I wasn't a lesbian! I was so relieved. I went to school on cloud 9 and was my old self, but the doubts came back and i became wildly anxious and depressed and whether or not I was gay was all i could think about.

Everyone on Twitter is talking about how only bisexual women fancy Robert Patterson, and no straight woman do. I was always team Jacob growing up after watching the Twilight films but after rewatching them recently had a small crush on Edward, now I’m worried this is just me realising I’m bi 😭

Yesterday was alright. I’m still working on it but for the most part I just have a constant mild anxiety that will go away for whatever reason. When I get triggered I noticed my anxiety lasts less time. I basically am at a point where I feel no real fear that I’m sexually attracted to someone of same sex. When I’m triggered there’s less groinals or it just lasts less time. Still don’t get hard to the intrusive thoughts that seem waaay less frequent. Sometimes (TMI) I mistake morning wood for me being aroused because this is the first thing I think about every morning. Now the problem is since I have no sexual attraction doubts or very little at that, I started to feel disgusted with any intrusive thought or even looking at a dude. Still that’s not the whole thing. Now that sexual attraction is pretty much out of the picture now it tries to say I’m emotionally attracted to basically anyone for any reason. Even people I dislike. Always coupled with anxiety as well just like the sexually intrusive thoughts, some groinals that seem a lot less confusing with arousal because it doesn’t feel at all good, probably more uncomfortable than anything and alot more intense because I feel like this is even more damaging and a fear is that I’m attracted on an emotional level. But one good thing is I know I like girls, even with minimal attraction I usually have my eyes on a girl and the anxiety fades for a second but comes back when I realize my situation again. It doesn’t feel like liking girls is wrong from a deep part inside of me, it feels like it is locked in a cage with it leaking through the bars at times. Usually once I realize I am feeling attracted toward a girl everything comes back as if OCD is telling me that I can’t do that not that I don’t want it. It’s not even confusing, in the past few days I realized a lot that men don’t fit the bill for me, I’ll be fully aroused and ready to go from seeing girls on Instagram but the moment the intrusive thought pops up or I even see a dude I start to get a groinal response and I go limp and anxiety fills my body. Everytime I think back on all the research I did as reassurance that ended up triggering me like peoples coming out stories or how they knew they were gay and even all these terms that use for “late bloomers” I don’t feel any relation, like I can relate to one point maybe but everything else is super exclusive to them. Seen them all talk about a guilty feeling or some always looked at dudes and just explained it as jealousy only to realize he was checking out dudes. A lot seem like special cases for one, but a lot of them don’t tell the whole story, I see people asking how they knew and then say how they are feeling in terms of HOCD and the people respond with sarcasm or just saying that they felt similar things before but never telling the whole story. Usually when we are talking about HOCD we are spilling the beans on everything, the groinals, the anxiety, the overall unwant of the thoughts and fear, and the constant wish to go back to how we were before. And seeking reassurance is bad but when all people tell us is the things that the experienced as well, usually only one thing and it’s usually sexual thoughts. It’s not their responsibility to help us but I can’t help but feel annoyed toward the people who try to convince us of something that we obviously don’t want.

Not OCD related but I'm in a conundrum: I play this online game and I met this guy there whom I started speaking with first in the game chat but we have now moved to discord and snapchat. I really liked him (finally actually liking a guy for the first time since I got HOCD) and we were hitting off really well, people we play with started teasing us (playfully) about playing so much together etc. and I was really happy and excited to play with him. But now I got a first picture of him and when I look at it, I think he is kinda cute but the moment I am not looking at this photo I start picturing him as something that I don't find attractive and I even started thinking about all the things that are wrong with him (and things I dislike about him) and now I don't know if that is just my fear of commitment, HOCD, or for real. I really like him. He just didn't look like what I had imagined by the sound of his voice (although he still looks good etc.). I don't know what to think and how do I get rid of these negative thoughts... help?

Real event ocd / POCD 18+ When I was 17, there was an artist named shadman who made loli content and other types of stuff... me being a minor at the time and not knowing what the term loli was, I had m/o'ed to it without realizing how horrible it was... and I stopped m/oing to it two years ago... I truly had no idea how horrible this stuff was... the artist who made it claims they are 18+ on their site but the fact they still looked like very young cartoon characters disturbs me... it's making me feel like I want it when I don't and all l want is a woman my age and above.. thinking about adult women always calms me down and relaxes me... I don't want to be a pedo at all.

Hi, my name is Lizzie. I'm 19. This is my report English is not my first language, but I'm trying to find people like me, and here I found it. My pOCD started after I saw some videos with this theme, they appeared in the Instagram hashtag about clothing and I went to the report page and ended up seeing more, because I was in shock. it was disturbing the old men commenting on it. then i had a dream where I was a bully and now I have all symptoms of POCD. But there's a problem, I don't find professionals in my country and I'm afraid. My mom knows about my thoughts, but doesn't know that I have grongial response (which hurts me the most). I have lost a lot of pounds, I have no appetite, I have thoughts like "it would be better to die than to have these disgusting feelings with innocent people". I was never like that, I lived my teen years well, I always loved children, now I feel bad. I want throw up it. I want to be normal again.

I just wanted to reach out and let people know about a few things I’ve learned on this journey through OCD, thus far. (Disclaimer: these things work for me, and resonate with me, but I am not saying this is the only way you can cope with OCD and anxiety) 1) Stop trying to find relief. At one point I was going through the worst of it, and I always kept reminding myself that if I could just get through it, I would find relief. That there would be something better at the end of the tunnel . And when I finally got home, or I finally got through the day, I would feel that relief. And guess what? The fear, the ocd came back the very next day, and the day after that; and it help me captive. But now when I’m in the thick of it, and my habitual brain calls out “I want relief.” I tell it gently but sternly: “Sorry, but there is no relief to be had. We are here, and that’s all there is.” And guess what? The next day gets better, and progress is made. Relief is just another coping mechanism that backfires. You don’t need it, in fact it only can make things feel worse in the long run, because it reinforces the brains fear of the thing. So the brain thinks, “hey we felt good when we finally escaped that situation.” But if you sit still in that moment of awfulness and allow it to pass through you, you reinforce the other signals in your brain, that say, “that was okay! I’m okay!” 2)OCD pain is uncontrollable, but suffering because of your ocd pain is optional: You don’t have control whether you will have sticky thoughts today or tomorrow. You don’t have control whether something will trigger you right now. You don’t have control what feelings arises. But you do have control whether you react to those painful experiences. You can try to resist and try to push it away, but you will only suffer more. Or you can accept the feeling, observe it and give it space inside your head. Like an annoying spider that makes a web in your room, but you decide to let it live with you instead of trying to kill it. When you can learn to do this, you begin to find more peace in your life and in your day to day. And maybe by the end of it, you’ll even find the spider a little cute! But maybe not… ;) 3)You don’t have to feel calm, or good, or free of OCD symptoms all the time to be happy and to have peace. In fact you will be less happy if you expect to feel happy and good and symptom free. It is a paradox, but it is the truth. If you want to be fearless it means you are afraid of being afraid. You are trying to push fear aside to be brave. But what you resist- persists. But if you accept you are feeling anxious, or sad, or stuck, then you can feel better and find peace in the turmoil. And paradoxically you will actually start to feel less scared, anxious, and triggered. 4) Finally be kind to yourself. Realize that you didn’t choose this. If you could think a different way or feel a different way; believe me - you would. You are a human being filled with hopes, desires, and love in your heart. Have compassion for your mistakes, your troubles, and even your troubling thoughts. When you realize that no human escapes the problems of their mind and body, you will find more compassion for yourself and for others. Wish everyone love and joy, and most of all a little peace.

anyone else obsessively pick at their skin / pull out their hair? (dermatillomania & trichotillomania) i just had an episode of both and i’m so tired of it like i want to stop but i can’t 😭

Would talking about problems with OCD be bad or good for people (like, talking about how the thoughts have affected us or what the thoughts are or our compulsions, etc)? Or would that be like talk therapy, which doesn't work with OCD? Or would it be bad in a different way? Maybe just that people would be focusing too much on their thoughts when they talk about them? Or could talking even be a compulsion? I mean, if the person ends up doing ERP or another therapy that helps after talking about their OCD, and they don't talk about it as a compulsion (assuming it could be a compulsion), then would it be alright or even good? What makes talk therapy bad? Is it just that they're trying to have people with OCD "solve" their thoughts, or is there more to it than just that?

i hate when i get tripped up by so-ocd again. i had gone a while without thinking about it but now it’s back. i can honestly accept the idea of me being bisexual. like i’m not fussed and i don’t think anyone i know would be fussed. my biggest worry is essentially not liking guys. so when i get thoughts saying guys are less ‘appealing’, it’s super worrying. women turn me on. i don’t know if i’d really want to have sex with a woman but maybe i would. i also don’t know if i’d really want a relationship with a woman. on the other hand, men have always been my crushes, who i’ve fantasised about and stuff. i would want to have sex and be in a relationship with a man. i feel safe and happy with that idea. but then i worry being with a girl would make me PREFER them to men. and i’d lose a big chunk of who i am. i read about gay women who had a lot of internalised homophobia and tried to convince themselves they liked men, and i’m worried that’s what i’m doing. i can accept myself maybe being bi but i don’t think i can accept myself being gay. and i worry it’s because of what the world / society would think, making me no different to those women who had internalised homophobia. the only difference i guess is that i do think i really like men. but what if i’m completely wrong? what if i just WANT to like men?