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[Trigger for sexual orientation ocd/hocd] --- Man i hate this so much i hate that my brain is so convinced that im not a gay man. I wouldn't even know the first thing to say about what i find attractive in a woman. Yeah uh her boobs are so. Boobs. They exist. Yeah she has really sexy uh...i dont even know. Yes women in suits sure do wear suits. When i look at a man i can say wow i love how his chest looks i love his back between his shoulders and how his waist tapers. All these things but my brain keeps telling me im wrong It keeps telling me to try and test and check and that one day ill "unlock the secret" I know ive posted a lot here today but im just so frustrated. I wanna keep pushing with my exposures and cbt but its so frustrating especially when so many people are like "well just accept it youre probably bisexual" but I know for a fact my body and heart only respond to one despite what my brain tells me. I swear I knew the difference that attraction =/= attractive before this clocked me so hard but i spend so much of my time with this now im so exhausted and fed up and beyond annoyed. I already know who i am brain just let me be in peace please!!!

does anyone else feel like their partner deserves better than u especially because of how the rocd is affecting the relationship ? i have been finding reasons to get upset with my partner which causes arguments and i know it’s only because of the rocd. and he understands completely and he’s fine after everything calms down but i just feel like he deserves so much better than me because i’m not doing well with my rocd

Anyone have any experience with false memories

TW!! POCD Please help. I’ve been doing decent lately but just need support on something that has kept me stuck. I can’t tell if this is a real memory or not, but I’m pretty sure it is. Maybe distorted. But feels so real. And I’m terrified. Last year before my huge OCD spike. So before I even knew I had OCD. I remember being around kids at work, and this girl in a skirt was on a climber on the playground and I remember looking up and you could see her underwear. I remember staring for a minute, and it was kind of like a car accident, I couldn’t look away. I remember finally coming to my senses and saying I wonder what people would think if they knew I was doing this. After that, I completely forgot about it until my spike in October and I’ve been living in a prison of regret and guilt ever since. I sometimes see that child at work still and I get a rush of anxiety and guilt. I just don’t know how to move pass this, for this reason it gives my OCD proof that I am what I fear so much. Is it possible that I was experiencing intrusive thoughts then and just didn’t care enough or realize it. I’m so broken from this. I hate what I’m going through. I hate myself if this memory is real.

Anxiety and Not wanting to feel feelings Since I started ERP and resisting rumination and rituals and controlling things I’ve noticed I have extra mental real estate. I’m not as consumed by my thoughts but my baseline anxiety is like 6/10 always. It’s pretty high. My brain keeps checking in and saying “you shouldn’t feel this way! This isn’t right! Google depersonalization! Google spacing out and brain fog!” But I know that’s OCDs game. So I just sit with the anxiety and try to move on with my day. Interestingly, once I strip away all of the rumination, compulsions and rituals all I’m left with is my own uncomfortable feelings that I don’t like. This leads me to conclude that ocd is just a way for me to try and control how I feel. I always wanna feel good and relaxed. Everyone does but that’s an unrealistic goal. Has anyone else come across this before?

Could really use someone to talk to. My emotions are clouding my judgement so badly the last couple days that I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m sorry I don’t want to be needy but I just don’t know who I am anymore right now.

I've been a big fan of Sucker Punch for a while now and I thought I'd share one of my favourite lessons I learnt from it. I know it's a random movie but this really helped me haha. "The world you create in your head is as real as any pain, but you control this world" This helped me realise that pain and sadness are strong feelings and if a thought makes you feel this - although not in physical reality - it's still as real as anything. But that means you can fight it, because the world in your head is yours, and you have the Strength to make it what you want. Don't let yourself fall. "Who sends monsters after us, and screams that will we never die? Who chains us and who holds the key to set us free?...It's you. It's always been you, you have all the weapons you need. Now fight!" This really resonated with me as growing up with OCD and depression I found it hard to understand. And when I heard this quote It struck me. Made me realise that is us. We are the only ones who can set ourselves free. We create the chaos but we also fight it. We have all the weapons we already need. So fight!! "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything" Sometimes OCD will make you doubt yourself and fall into an abyss of torment and darkness. But most of us fall into doubt because we are not standing on any ground. You know who you are and how you feel, don't let anything knock you down into that hole! "Our angels are everywhere, we might try to say they don't exist but they show up anyway. At random places...they'll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us to fight" This one made me think, the thought of an angel shouting through a demon. It's a vivid image but to me it has a strong meaning. The feeling that your brain is out to get you can be overwhelming, but at the end of the day it's just anxiety. Being overly anxious about a particular thing, and in a way it's our mind trying to protect us. Like an angel, shouting through a demon. But we have to learn that there's no need to be afraid, and your brain will feel this once you feel this. At the end of the day, some people brush this movie off as a failed Zack Snyder film haha. But to me it really portrayed this real feeling you sometimes get when fighting a battle in your brain. And how after everything, the only with the key to escape is you.

I’d love to talk to people about their experiences with ERP! I just started last week (imaginal exposure in session) and I kind of feel alone in this. Is there anyone else doing ERP in therapy as well? How is it working for you? Thank you ?

Anyone dealt with POCD and sexual intrusive images that trick you into thinking you want to do them etc please let me know.. atm I have an irrational (or sexual) and rational mind.. help?

Random: One of my deepest fears is losing myself ( personality and sense of sanity ) i realize that’s what triggers my harm ocd. That any moment I’m a little depressed or out of it I’m afraid my sense of self is slipping away... can anyone relate to this??

I have a dilemma. You might’ve seen my previous posts about me babysitting a kid that isn’t mine. Trigger warning for POCD It started off small. One night I helped him change into PJs Then I had him for a whole week, a lot of changing and bath time. And also the kid is terrified of sleeping alone and needs someone RIGHT NEXT TO HIM which is REALLY HORRIBLE for me During this week I was having hella intrusive thoughts and eventually had a complete melt down (while the kids were at school) This is my only income at the moment, from this family who hires me to tutor the kids and occasionally babysit. I used to tutor a lot more kids but I reduced my hours because of intrusive thoughts I agreed to babysit for two weeks while the parents go on vacation in April. I’m already having a shit ton of anxiety about it. I tried looking for a therapist but I’m having no luck finding someone who accepts my insurance. I’ve also stopped taking my meds because they made me suicidal. My access to mental health professionals right now is limited so I can’t really go talk to a professional about this situation. My best friend is strongly urging me to tell them I will not be able to babysit in April. Even if it’s last minute because of how bad my anxiety got just that one week before and because I’m already dreading it. I know this is good exposure but probably not the best idea since I don’t have a professional guiding me. I don’t even know what to tell the parents about why I suddenly can’t babysit if we’ve had this agreement for months. I’m not looking for reassurance or advice on how to deal with the thoughts. What would you do though? If you were me and your anxiety is through the roof and your meds are fucked and no one takes your insurance and you’ll be stuck babysitting a little boy for two weeks (helping him change and bathe and sleep in the same bed) like I can’t... How would I even explain this to anyone?

Hey guys. Trigger warning Soooo I had sexual orientation ocd where I was worried I was truly a lesbian. Now that obsession has stopped bothering me and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m bisexual! Totally okay with that except now my ocd is telling me that the only reason why I think I’m bi is because this obsession has convinced me I’m bi! Woohoo what fucking hell! Yeah, and now I’m suffering from pocd. And since my sexual orientation ocd kinda sorta had some truth to it, I’m terrified all my other obsessions do too! I don’t want reassurance. I just want to know if anyone has any similar experiences to this and how you dealt with it. The anxiety is making me lose sleep and is burying me in my depression.

I've met some pretty awesome people here. I was at my lowest when I started searching for apps that can help me with the disturbing thoughts that come to mind. NOCD was one of the apps that I found. It has been great finding people to relate to and to talk about our problems, vent and get support. First and foremost i was not judged and some of the stories of other made me think: "Damn, my problem is not all that bad." However, as much as I am thankful of this community, I feel like it's become a bit toxic for me, so I have to part ways. I've been triggered one too times just by reading the posts of other people. Or some people who don't seem to understand the OCD theme of other people. Or others who prove my most fearful thoughts. I've struggled with mental illness ever since I can remember. And I've made a ton of mistakes along the way. Things I wish I had never done or said or thought of. My OCD clings on my mistakes and makes me feel like I'm a monster and not the person I want to be. It makes me feel like I will never find happiness and that I'll the worst scenario I can think of will play out. It replays thoughts and fake or real memories relentlessly, disturbing my life and distorting my view of myself. The last thing I want is another reason of getting triggered and pulled into the pit of depression and self destruction I'm trying to claw myself out of. I'll be on here for a couple of more days, but after that I'll remove the app. Thank you all for helping me out when I needed it and I hope I did my part to help you.

TOCD i’ve said that i’d rather be born a guy but i’m totally comfortable being a girl now i’m super worried that i’m trans or something i tend to like male characters more but now i’m overanalysing everything i get really worried like what if it’s gender dysphoria and not ocd?? i hate this so much i envy guys and the relationships they have so i’ll hang out with them more but now i’m worried that what if that makes me trans help?

My hoarding OCD is back but when I successfully get rid of stuff my just right OCD kicks in 10x worse. What to do?

Ok I have a question for y’all. After you have a good moment with a guy, like when you think about him and want to be with him and it feels good, does anyone get the intrusive thought “what if I’m romantically attracted to men but sexually attracted to women?” Because that just came up for me and it is not fun and very worrying. Because I have been aroused by lesbian porn (I did this before my HOCD intrusive thoughts started) and now I’m worried because I was aroused by that I can only be sexually attracted to women ?

so when i was younger i was sexually abused by my neighbor and his dad. i’ve always been afraid of dating after because i’m just scared all guys are liek that. do you guys think this could possibly be a cause of the HOCD?

Serious question: Are obsessions about being gay driven by homophobia?

The past two days I've been spiraling with fearing that I'm going to have a heart attack. I (23 years old) read about the Ms teen universe Lotte who died from one and she was only 19. I've been diagnosed with GERD so whenever my chest gets tight I immediately have an anxiety attack. I'm not sure how to get myself to not think I'm dying every other hour.

Does faking it till you make it work in terms of anxiety and rOCD? I’ve been struggling a lot lately with anxiety and when I get anxious I get fearful, the fear turns into defense...it’s a terrible cycle that I feel is killing my relationship. (My boyfriend and I are pretty much committed to each other for life and that’s been helping me with my rOCD as of recent, I don’t have thoughts that I’m going to lose him but more thoughts that I’m going to fall out of love, that I’m going to mess things up, that things will never get better when they’re bad). Not to mention our sex life has been stalled...we are transitioning from a LDR to in person relationship right now. My boyfriend brings up the point that both of us are pretty much beginners and it wasn’t as though we have ever have been sexually active before. So a brief time of not doing anything sexual to him and I, isn’t a big deal. Still I get caught up in the “but other people seem to be doing this” a lot.. a LOT. Back to my question. I’m very anxious over little things, I often need control not just in this relationship but my family relationships too. Would it be okay if I....faked not needing control? I think if I suppressed that need to control, then maybe I’d see that people don’t need me to control...leading me to break that cycle. Then I’d stop worrying so much, and maybe I’d start feeling okay in all of my relationships. But I’m not sure. Sorry for the rant.