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[So-ocd/hocd triggers/tmi] My day started ok and then it just got awful. All of this feels like its happening against my will. I dont want this but my brain seems like its just saying "too bad its happening anyway". Im completely freaked the hell out and lost. I keep trying to stay away from compulsing and ritualizing but my brain keeps telling me "just keep doing it. Keep doing it. Push and youll find out who you REALLY are" I still cant sexually respond to women but my brain keeps saying "force it. force it. Force it. Once you force it youll realize the truth" but i still just cant. Ive done it fucking 40 times now at least and the result is always the same. I try so hard to accept the uncertainty but my brain keeps drilling. Somehow it keeps telling me that i HAVE to be attracted to women even though my body doesnt respond to them. Im so fed up with this. Ive tried just being "meh" about it and saying "oh well who cares its not important" but it just keeps BATTERING at me until i compulse again and spiral. Im miserable. I sat in the shower and sobbed. This all feels so unnatural and forced. I hate it so much and i know that this is just a low and i can pick myself up again but what the hell im finally in a good relationship and im comfortable and just because i had some awkward sex back in November because of this damn condition my brain went haywire. Im avoiding everything i love like videogames and manga that i adored. I killed a whole damn box of gushers just because i was so frustrated. I can still only get off to men but my brain is so paradoxically stuck telling me that it means nothing. I just needed to vent because im just so freakin mad. Again. Tomorrow im gonna pick back up on resisting my compulsing and just accepting uncertainty. I was doing well for a while, but a particularly bad spike threw me off and its been hard to get back on my feet.

For those suffering with HOCD would it be wise to go to a gay club to face your fear of being gay in running out of ideas I tried erp I relapsed I tried being on Prozac and Zoloft none of them work unfortunately I can’t go to a therapist as I can’t afford one I’m really in need of help . I suicidal ??‍♂️#please help

Reverse HOCD? (TMI warning) I see people talking about their experiences with Homosexual OCD all the time. But I know for a fact I like the same gender and sometimes I’ll get intrusive thoughts about heterosexuality. I’m currently incurious but when I think about whether I’d be sexually attracted to men or not I get intrusive thoughts. I know transwomen can have AMAB anatomy but I get intrusive thoughts about said anatomy and the images I get in my head disgust me. It makes me feel guilty because it makes me feel like I’m transphobic even though I know the only reason I’m so disgusted by it is the spermatophobia caused by my contamination OCD. I’ve felt this way about AMAB anatomy since I was 12 but I never met anyone else who felt the same. So I always feel like there’s something wrong with me because even most lesbians don’t get grossed out by simple biology. Does anyone else struggle with this? I also worry that I’m only questioning my sexuality because I can’t stand my parents homophobia and I don’t like conforming to authority and that that’s the only reason I identify as gay and not bi, pan, etc. even though I know it’s completely irrational.

Guys I am SO tempted to stalk my boyfriends ex girlfriends Facebook and to try to unlock it to see old pics of them. I hate it so much I don’t know why I want to see past pictures of them together but I just do.

Is it just me that have some moments of clarity? Anxiety never completely vanishes, but it's just enough so I can see clearly my situation, and see that this isn't who I am. And then, I realize: omg, I stopped worrying! But shouldn't I be trying to solve this? And then BAM! Anxiety kicks in again, and I'm no longer able to discern my thoughts, and I keep worrying if they're true, like those moments of clarity meant nothing or didn't happen at all.

This may be selfish of me, but I really need some words of encouragement and support today. Living with ocd and anxiety + depression is hard, very very hard. I sometimes feel like giving up. But some other times I can imagine myself being free from this, and I really want that to happen. I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

Question: has anyone ever retrieved something from a public garbage? I did and feel like a waking germ. I did, my jacket touched the garbage. ? Got home and jacket touched other clothes. Panic. Mode.

[Trigger for sexual orientation ocd/hocd] --- Man i hate this so much i hate that my brain is so convinced that im not a gay man. I wouldn't even know the first thing to say about what i find attractive in a woman. Yeah uh her boobs are so. Boobs. They exist. Yeah she has really sexy uh...i dont even know. Yes women in suits sure do wear suits. When i look at a man i can say wow i love how his chest looks i love his back between his shoulders and how his waist tapers. All these things but my brain keeps telling me im wrong It keeps telling me to try and test and check and that one day ill "unlock the secret" I know ive posted a lot here today but im just so frustrated. I wanna keep pushing with my exposures and cbt but its so frustrating especially when so many people are like "well just accept it youre probably bisexual" but I know for a fact my body and heart only respond to one despite what my brain tells me. I swear I knew the difference that attraction =/= attractive before this clocked me so hard but i spend so much of my time with this now im so exhausted and fed up and beyond annoyed. I already know who i am brain just let me be in peace please!!!

does anyone else feel like their partner deserves better than u especially because of how the rocd is affecting the relationship ? i have been finding reasons to get upset with my partner which causes arguments and i know it’s only because of the rocd. and he understands completely and he’s fine after everything calms down but i just feel like he deserves so much better than me because i’m not doing well with my rocd

Anyone have any experience with false memories

TW!! POCD Please help. I’ve been doing decent lately but just need support on something that has kept me stuck. I can’t tell if this is a real memory or not, but I’m pretty sure it is. Maybe distorted. But feels so real. And I’m terrified. Last year before my huge OCD spike. So before I even knew I had OCD. I remember being around kids at work, and this girl in a skirt was on a climber on the playground and I remember looking up and you could see her underwear. I remember staring for a minute, and it was kind of like a car accident, I couldn’t look away. I remember finally coming to my senses and saying I wonder what people would think if they knew I was doing this. After that, I completely forgot about it until my spike in October and I’ve been living in a prison of regret and guilt ever since. I sometimes see that child at work still and I get a rush of anxiety and guilt. I just don’t know how to move pass this, for this reason it gives my OCD proof that I am what I fear so much. Is it possible that I was experiencing intrusive thoughts then and just didn’t care enough or realize it. I’m so broken from this. I hate what I’m going through. I hate myself if this memory is real.

Anxiety and Not wanting to feel feelings Since I started ERP and resisting rumination and rituals and controlling things I’ve noticed I have extra mental real estate. I’m not as consumed by my thoughts but my baseline anxiety is like 6/10 always. It’s pretty high. My brain keeps checking in and saying “you shouldn’t feel this way! This isn’t right! Google depersonalization! Google spacing out and brain fog!” But I know that’s OCDs game. So I just sit with the anxiety and try to move on with my day. Interestingly, once I strip away all of the rumination, compulsions and rituals all I’m left with is my own uncomfortable feelings that I don’t like. This leads me to conclude that ocd is just a way for me to try and control how I feel. I always wanna feel good and relaxed. Everyone does but that’s an unrealistic goal. Has anyone else come across this before?

Could really use someone to talk to. My emotions are clouding my judgement so badly the last couple days that I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m sorry I don’t want to be needy but I just don’t know who I am anymore right now.

I've been a big fan of Sucker Punch for a while now and I thought I'd share one of my favourite lessons I learnt from it. I know it's a random movie but this really helped me haha. "The world you create in your head is as real as any pain, but you control this world" This helped me realise that pain and sadness are strong feelings and if a thought makes you feel this - although not in physical reality - it's still as real as anything. But that means you can fight it, because the world in your head is yours, and you have the Strength to make it what you want. Don't let yourself fall. "Who sends monsters after us, and screams that will we never die? Who chains us and who holds the key to set us free?...It's you. It's always been you, you have all the weapons you need. Now fight!" This really resonated with me as growing up with OCD and depression I found it hard to understand. And when I heard this quote It struck me. Made me realise that is us. We are the only ones who can set ourselves free. We create the chaos but we also fight it. We have all the weapons we already need. So fight!! "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything" Sometimes OCD will make you doubt yourself and fall into an abyss of torment and darkness. But most of us fall into doubt because we are not standing on any ground. You know who you are and how you feel, don't let anything knock you down into that hole! "Our angels are everywhere, we might try to say they don't exist but they show up anyway. At random places...they'll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us to fight" This one made me think, the thought of an angel shouting through a demon. It's a vivid image but to me it has a strong meaning. The feeling that your brain is out to get you can be overwhelming, but at the end of the day it's just anxiety. Being overly anxious about a particular thing, and in a way it's our mind trying to protect us. Like an angel, shouting through a demon. But we have to learn that there's no need to be afraid, and your brain will feel this once you feel this. At the end of the day, some people brush this movie off as a failed Zack Snyder film haha. But to me it really portrayed this real feeling you sometimes get when fighting a battle in your brain. And how after everything, the only with the key to escape is you.

I’d love to talk to people about their experiences with ERP! I just started last week (imaginal exposure in session) and I kind of feel alone in this. Is there anyone else doing ERP in therapy as well? How is it working for you? Thank you ?

Anyone dealt with POCD and sexual intrusive images that trick you into thinking you want to do them etc please let me know.. atm I have an irrational (or sexual) and rational mind.. help?

Random: One of my deepest fears is losing myself ( personality and sense of sanity ) i realize that’s what triggers my harm ocd. That any moment I’m a little depressed or out of it I’m afraid my sense of self is slipping away... can anyone relate to this??

I have a dilemma. You might’ve seen my previous posts about me babysitting a kid that isn’t mine. Trigger warning for POCD It started off small. One night I helped him change into PJs Then I had him for a whole week, a lot of changing and bath time. And also the kid is terrified of sleeping alone and needs someone RIGHT NEXT TO HIM which is REALLY HORRIBLE for me During this week I was having hella intrusive thoughts and eventually had a complete melt down (while the kids were at school) This is my only income at the moment, from this family who hires me to tutor the kids and occasionally babysit. I used to tutor a lot more kids but I reduced my hours because of intrusive thoughts I agreed to babysit for two weeks while the parents go on vacation in April. I’m already having a shit ton of anxiety about it. I tried looking for a therapist but I’m having no luck finding someone who accepts my insurance. I’ve also stopped taking my meds because they made me suicidal. My access to mental health professionals right now is limited so I can’t really go talk to a professional about this situation. My best friend is strongly urging me to tell them I will not be able to babysit in April. Even if it’s last minute because of how bad my anxiety got just that one week before and because I’m already dreading it. I know this is good exposure but probably not the best idea since I don’t have a professional guiding me. I don’t even know what to tell the parents about why I suddenly can’t babysit if we’ve had this agreement for months. I’m not looking for reassurance or advice on how to deal with the thoughts. What would you do though? If you were me and your anxiety is through the roof and your meds are fucked and no one takes your insurance and you’ll be stuck babysitting a little boy for two weeks (helping him change and bathe and sleep in the same bed) like I can’t... How would I even explain this to anyone?

Hey guys. Trigger warning Soooo I had sexual orientation ocd where I was worried I was truly a lesbian. Now that obsession has stopped bothering me and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m bisexual! Totally okay with that except now my ocd is telling me that the only reason why I think I’m bi is because this obsession has convinced me I’m bi! Woohoo what fucking hell! Yeah, and now I’m suffering from pocd. And since my sexual orientation ocd kinda sorta had some truth to it, I’m terrified all my other obsessions do too! I don’t want reassurance. I just want to know if anyone has any similar experiences to this and how you dealt with it. The anxiety is making me lose sleep and is burying me in my depression.

I've met some pretty awesome people here. I was at my lowest when I started searching for apps that can help me with the disturbing thoughts that come to mind. NOCD was one of the apps that I found. It has been great finding people to relate to and to talk about our problems, vent and get support. First and foremost i was not judged and some of the stories of other made me think: "Damn, my problem is not all that bad." However, as much as I am thankful of this community, I feel like it's become a bit toxic for me, so I have to part ways. I've been triggered one too times just by reading the posts of other people. Or some people who don't seem to understand the OCD theme of other people. Or others who prove my most fearful thoughts. I've struggled with mental illness ever since I can remember. And I've made a ton of mistakes along the way. Things I wish I had never done or said or thought of. My OCD clings on my mistakes and makes me feel like I'm a monster and not the person I want to be. It makes me feel like I will never find happiness and that I'll the worst scenario I can think of will play out. It replays thoughts and fake or real memories relentlessly, disturbing my life and distorting my view of myself. The last thing I want is another reason of getting triggered and pulled into the pit of depression and self destruction I'm trying to claw myself out of. I'll be on here for a couple of more days, but after that I'll remove the app. Thank you all for helping me out when I needed it and I hope I did my part to help you.