Welcome to
the NOCD Community

just had my first session yesterday,, it was kind of funny and surprising to hear how many aspects of my everyday life are actually ocd rituals or ocd symptoms,, i feel like i have such a super long way to go xP ꉂ૮(°□°'˶)ა

so for a few years i’ve suspected inattentive adhd in myself, so last year i started seeing a therapist. after we had discussed my symptoms i visited a psychiatrist, who allowed me to start taking meds (methylphenidate) for it a few months ago, which basically equals a diagnosis in my country’s health system, i think. but recently i’ve started doubting it. and i don’t know if it’s regular ocd doubt or impostor syndrome or genuine realisation, but i’m worried that i actually don’t have adhd and that i’m just pretending and have lied to myself and others. it feels like i’ve exaggerated my symptoms a bit and that i don’t deserve to be on meds because i’m not struggling enough. i don’t know if being on meds made me forget what it’s like to be without them in school environments, but whatever it is, i’m doubting, checking memories, worrying and seeking reassurance on the r/adhd thread to try and find out what’s going on. if i go back in my memories, ask my parents and look through old physical notes from daycare, i find the following symptoms: very forgetful, hyperfixations, poorly organised, easily distracted and frequently zones out, senstive, impulsive (at times), very talkative, procrastinating and the basic stuff like that. i KNOW i technically reach the diagnostic criteria for adhd, i mean, right now i’ve been trying to study for the last 3 hours and barely moved, and i’ve gotten NOTHING done because i’ve been procrastinating and getting distracted by reading on the previously mentioned reddit thread and the dread is starting to kick in. now that night approaches i get my typical night owl energy boost and i suddenly feel like i could hyperfocus with the help of a little caffeine, almost. but still, it feels like my traits arent THAT bad or damaging my life enough to be treated. it just feels like excuses, somehow, like everyone does this. i’m scared of being dumb and stupid and an example of that, i that i feel ashamed and responsible when i read about the declining literacy and math skills in the west for example, thinking somehow that’s my fault and i’m just sitting here blaming my stupidity on a disorder i don’t even have. even though i’m very literate and actually do know a lot of stuff. but nope, still my fault. (kinda going off track here sorry) the annoying thing is that i’m trying to reassure myself and actually find information at the same time; i want to feel certain, but i also genuinely want to know if my symptoms ARE symptoms or just normal stuff. that’s why it’s tricky to navigate this. it’s probably mostly ocd because now my memories are getting fuzzy from trying to remember, and the whole ”doubt and check again”-cycle is a clear sign of that. and yeah, i should address it by ”maybe, maybe not”. but this DOES MATTER a lot to me, since it would be a huge part of my identity and it’s something i take meds for. while i know i’m not PURPOSEFULLY faking it, i’m painfully aware that i could just be a misdiagnosed, insecure teenager looking for an explanation for feeling crap. AGHHHH IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

It is my first time making a post I don’t know if anyone’s going to read this, but I’ll just rant. When I was a kid and even as a young adult now I’m struggling with a lot of health issues .. at first, when I was sick, I never used to correlate my sickness with God, I would just think I ate something bad or I made a bad decision and it ended up with me feeling sick. I have emetophobia, which means I have an extreme fear of vomit. I’ll be honest I couldn’t even type the word vomit until I did some exposure therapy, but even with the therapy I didn’t fully do my homework and saying the is the only thing I’ve graduated from. I still am extremely scared. When other people do it around me I run away or I cover my ears., if somebody does it at home, I won’t use the bathroom or shower at home, I’ll delete the persons phone number because I don’t want to see their name and I’ll wear a mask at home and to sleep and try to stay outside of home. Now back to religious OCD, any time I was sick I would usually sleep on my mom’s bed when I was younger, when I was sick, my mama will always have a tendency to say “you should’ve prayed more” “ see you shouldn’t waste your time doing [insert hobby that makes me happy]” So imagine kind of like conditioning, every time I was sick I would hear something like this. So I sooner or later linked being sick to God punishing me. Even now as an adult, I still think like this . I’ve gone to. I guess you would call them priests and explain my situation and they will tell me that I shouldn’t think like this, but it’s hard when it’s already been engraved into the stone. I have so many hobbies, and I love to meet people, regardless of their gender, but whenever I have male friends and I get sick I have a tendency of cutting them off because I’m scared that I’m being punished and I must’ve done something wrong for being friends with males. But now I can’t even enjoy my hobby because I keep thinking I’m wasting time and how I should be just praying and doing something that God likes , but I know God says you can have hobbies and enjoy life but I was taught otherwise and it’s hard to ignore the tiny voice in my head.. even if I got help, it would be so hard to truly get rid of this thought process. I’m so sad because I feel like I can’t even enjoy life or anything that I like because I feel like I’m doing something wrong . Sometimes, when I think about being a kid, I miss how innocent I was and how I didn’t think like this, and that my brain wasn’t tainted yet from other people’s opinions . As much as I love my religion, and I do still believe in God, I hate the people who twist religion and use it to manipulate people . Is unfair and not right. Why do people always have to teach religion by always instilling fear? I wish I could see religion as something happy but I only see it as a military boot camp and my brain always is thinking of hell and how I’m always doing something wrong that God will hate me. I’m too lazy to look back and see if I made any mistakes so if I made any grammatical mistakes just ignore that

Having a small spiral that started early this morning. My Relationship OCD was triggered when I woke up at around 3AM randomly and saw that my boyfriend was awake as well due to a soar throat. He was scrolling on his phone and drinking some tea that he made earlier, which wasn’t at all unusual. I was totally fine up until I rolled over to face him and he instinctively and quickly hid his phone slightly. I saw this happen, but didn’t bring it up at all, but that’s when my anxiety started to seriously rise. So I looked to see what he was looking at without him realizing, (which I now feel very guilty over) and it didn’t look like anything to worry about, he was typing something out and clearly texting someone I think, but the conversation and images that I saw, either I couldn’t fully make out, or were just potentially about mechanical jargon, which is not unusual. The pictures didn’t seem odd, just confusing to me. Nonetheless though, my anxiety rose A LOT just because he tried to hide his phone for a moment. “Well why is he hiding his phone if he has nothing to hide?” “Did he switch tabs before I saw what I saw? Maybe that’s what he was trying to hide?” I feel awful…I hate that my OCD is latching onto this horrible fear so much lately. I’ve been taking 20MG of Fluoxetine over the past week to try and help with the thoughts, but i’ve yet to see results. Any advice for how to go about this? I don’t want to bring this up with my boyfriend due to how many times similar conversations like this have happened, and I’m just fueling the OCD if I do that. I’m scared that this will hurt our relationship long term.

21+ only OCD is making me scared about person who had an onlyfans and posted explicit things trying to convince me they're a horrible person, it's also making me doubt my memories of them having an onlyfans when I know they did. I tried to disprove OCD messing with me and make sure the person wasn't evil but instead got triggered hy unrelated instagram and twitter accounts that I reported to be safe because one of the twitter accounts had an anime banner that rubbed me the wrong way, during all of this, I was basically having a full blown panic attack and I saw an account on onlyfans with the same name that said unavailable but wasn't sure if was the same person, I also saw awful "leaked" websites and reported those because it's violating and also because of a reddit post that I thought could be related because the person had the same first name saying that they regretted posting NSFW stuff of themselves, and it turned out that the twitter account I clicked on thinking it was unrelated but didn't have anything bad on it, was related to the person and their other account had a worrying drawn banner of a character's eyes and part of their face that seemed to elude to explicit things so I reported everything I could. I also checked their linktree to see if it was their onlyfans that said unavailable or if I needed to report that too but it led to another linktree and OCD twisted my intentions. The twitter account that I reported at first and I don't think was related to them despite it being the same name also said they were 20 in their bio so OCD's messing with me about that despite me only seeing their account last year. OCD making me scared of triggers when itching even though I know for a fact that I closed my phone and put it down to do so. OCD messing with me about the compulsion again and I keep telling it to stop. I'm so scared I naively trusted the wrong person and that they turned out to be a bad person and I didn't know and I know that I'm most likely wrong about all of this but the 1% chance I'm not is eating away at me and I just don't know what to do, I don't want to have unknowingly done something awful but trusted them because they had an onlyfans and so would've had to verify their age obviously and send in their ID but not just that, it's like the possibility of them drawing horrible things after I stopped using twitter (or even seeing their accounts which was way before and I may have even blocked them for their following idk) means that I'm a bad person even though I never knew these things and they happened after the fact. OCD making me scared I gave benefit of the doubt to people who followed horrific people when I know I didn't but it keeps making me doubt myself and I'm sure I blocked someone that I followed when I saw they followed someone awful but OCD's making me doubt it and I think I kept checking if they unfollowed them after I DM'd them about the person being awful maybe but idk and OCD keeps making me scared I gave awful people benefit of the doubt.

21+ only OCD is making me scared about person who had an onlyfans and posted explicit things trying to convince me they're a horrible person, it's also making me doubt my memories of them having an onlyfans when I know they did. I tried to disprove OCD messing with me and make sure the person wasn't evil but instead got triggered hy unrelated instagram and twitter accounts that I reported to be safe because one of the twitter accounts had an anime banner that rubbed me the wrong way, during all of this, I was basically having a full blown panic attack and I saw an account on onlyfans with the same name that said unavailable but wasn't sure if was the same person, I also saw awful "leaked" websites and reported those because it's violating and also because of a reddit post that I thought could be related because the person had the same first name saying that they regretted posting NSFW stuff of themselves, and it turned out that the twitter account I clicked on thinking it was unrelated but didn't have anything bad on it, was related to the person and their other account had a worrying drawn banner of a character's eyes and part of their face that seemed to elude to explicit things so I reported everything I could. I also checked their linktree to see if it was their onlyfans that said unavailable or if I needed to report that too but it led to another linktree and OCD twisted my intentions. The twitter account that I reported at first and I don't think was related to them despite it being the same name also said they were 20 in their bio so OCD's messing with me about that despite me only seeing their account last year. OCD making me scared of triggers when itching even though I know for a fact that I closed my phone and put it down to do so. OCD messing with me about the compulsion again and I keep telling it to stop. I'm so scared I naively trusted the wrong person and that they turned out to be a bad person and I didn't know and I know that I'm most likely wrong about all of this but the 1% chance I'm not is eating away at me and I just don't know what to do, I don't want to have unknowingly done something awful but trusted them because they had an onlyfans and so would've had to verify their age obviously and send in their ID but not just that, it's like the possibility of them drawing horrible things after I stopped using twitter (or even seeing their accounts which was way before and I may have even blocked them for their following idk) means that I'm a bad person even though I never knew these things and they happened after the fact. OCD making me scared I gave benefit of the doubt to people who followed horrific people when I know I didn't but it keeps making me doubt myself and I'm sure I blocked someone that I followed when I saw they followed someone awful but OCD's making me doubt it and I think I kept checking if they unfollowed them after I DM'd them about the person being awful maybe but idk and OCD keeps making me scared I gave awful people benefit of the doubt.

I can’t live a single day of my life without thinking about death. Media, conversation, and even just seeing an old person just triggers this thought that one day when I grow old, everything I’ve ever experienced will just be taken from me. In turn, I have so much anxiety when it comes to health and every little pain or discomfort has me googling the symptoms. I don’t know how to handle this but it’s gotten so bad

So I’m in a relationship currently, my longest one yet coming up to two years. I’m so in love but unfortunately he said he struggles to deal with me as a person. This is because of my relationship ocd and how it affects me he’s agreed to give me another chance to show I can change, but I struggle massively please can anyone give me advice ? I don’t want to loose him as I don’t know where that would take me mentally. My current issues are as followed: * “Are you annoyed with me?” * “Are we okay?” * “Do you still love me?” * “Why did you reply like that?” * “Are you talking to someone else?” * “Are you sure you don’t want to leave?” I can’t stop sometimes even though I know there isn’t anything wrong and it’s happened twice now where he wants to leave and this time I know it’s on egg shells , please help me anyone

I’m struggling this week to stop picking my fingers. They are getting really red and inflamed. I’ve put band aids on them to hopefully stop me need to pick but I just tear the band aids off so I can continue picking… 🙄 I have a lot of general anxiety and personal trauma that I’m moving through right now. But I’m not sure why this compulsion is so strong. I can’t identify and specific fear behind the picking. It’s just a habitual never ending action… any tips on body focused behaviors?

I’d love some erp ideas! I suffer with magical thinking ocd, mental contamination, harm ocd, pocd, health ocd. All of it!! Mental contamination is the worst one so far. They all like to take turns at being the star of the show but mental contamination is the worst one by far. I can’t buy shit because the fucker is contaminated somehow. I also deal with memory ocd which I try to remember something I did that I might not have done in the first place and trying to organize everything I’ve done,or the amount of times I was embarrassed, was wrong or ashamed of. Maybe I deal with some guilt ocd even if it’s not bad, just silly as hell. I try to remember shit that didn’t happen or try to organize shit in my head. It’s just never helpful. I end up ruminating and doing compulsions. I start getting confused about everything because my brain is so wrapped up in trying to help myself ease the anxiety and so it has no room for other important tasks. I dissociate a lot. I do have trauma so that is definitely one of the underlying reasons for certain. I get ocd while typing too. I get a bad image or thought and for it to not be or become true, or if I don’t want it to happen I gotta delete what I wrote and start fresh or I’m doomed. It happens no matter what I’m doing. When I’m doing a coping skill like reading, drawing, coloring, sitting with my journal, etc. it always goes after things I enjoy and gives me thoughts I don’t want to think of. It causes intense suffering. OCD literally holds a stick and just pokes me for fun. I start dealing with health ocd bc when my ocd gets bad, I get mentally ill and forget, repeat things that don’t need to be repeated bc it’s just feeding the ocd, I think there is something terribly wrong with me. I think I’m mentally sick and physically sick and just don’t know it yet. NOOCD doesn’t take my insurance. It’s bullshit. I’m not picky with a counselor to talk about life and sadness or whatever but when it comes to my OCD, they need to care, understand to the root, have it, or studied it all for years. If I had one wish that would come true, it would be to cure my ocd. I’d take that wish over winning a billion dollars. That says I’m suffering. It’s not a joke. People laugh or find us dumb but they don’t know how it feels to fist fight with your head. It’s not fun. I have a counselor outside of this. But, ocd isn’t one of her studies. Trauma is which can help ocd because ocd I learned so our body’s way of trying to find some control, while just losing it because we’re not trying to find control in the way we’re supposed to so we unintentionally/subconsciously find different ways without even realizing it. I think it’s a survival technique that isn’t helpful to us obviously. Although ocd can be stemmed from trauma, it’s also a separate mental illness so I need to find the right tools for me. I’d appreciate it if anyone can maybe comment some erp skills that have been effective although difficult at first to get down, I’d be forever grateful. Anything helps.

I think very frequently about my love life, mostly reflection on where I’m currently at and how I feel about potential partners in my life. Sometimes, things are quiet and there’s not many prospects, while sometimes, things are loud and there are multiple prospects. Right now, I’m in a period where there are people in my life I’d like to go out with, but I just have absolutely no mental energy to do so. I have no desire to pursue any of these prospects because I keep overthinking everything that could happen, like “what if we get together” or “what if I miss out on my true partner” or “what if this ends like my last relationship.” All of these horrible thoughts are from my OCD, no doubt about it, and I’ve just been so preoccupied on finding my person for SO long that I find it impossible to live my life without that search. It feels like it’s eating me alive from the inside out. It’s almost like I can’t be happy. When I have nobody to get involved with, I wish I had a girlfriend. When I might be getting involved with someone, I’m scared to commit. Doubt doubt doubt. I just want to be content with where I’m at, and I wish there was a way I could be completely 100% assured that the right woman would come into my life someday. I’ve raised this concern to people in my life before, but the response has always been “you’re only 22, you shouldn’t be thinking about finding a serious partner right now” or “the right person will come along when you stop looking.” That doesn’t help me calm my nerves 🥲 anybody else felt this way before?

I’ve been doing a form of ERP for a few months. I want to stop doing compulsions all together now but taking that leap is a struggle. I mostly struggle with magical thinking OCD and one of my compulsions is going back to where I had the intrusive thought and redoing whatever it was to feel like it’s less likely to manifest in reality. This would mean if in a few weeks or months from now I can’t take the uncertainty anymore, I’d have to ‘go back’ and undo all progress I would’ve made in other areas of my life for the compulsion to feel complete. This could mean if I’ve cleaned my room, making it messy again for example. So stopping is a big commitment and I don’t know when I’ll be ready enough to make the jump.

For as long as I can remember I've had a state of default daydreaming and inner monologue that affects pretty much the entirety of my idler hours, at very least. That, I've come to realize, is a product of ADHD, as it demands something to keep myself stimulated and entertained. I feel like that can make battling OCD harder. I often find myself falling into the same thought loops, even if involuntarily. I feel as if my OCD is fed on the constant default rumination my ADHD causes. Because my mind needs to hold onto something, its easier to get back to thoughts that could trigger obsessions. I'm taking SSRIs for OCD and I believe it's had some medium effects in helping me avoid compulsions but not entirely. For those with this comorbidity, what do you believe can be helpful in this situation? I've been wondering whether ADHD meds could help shut this endless monologue and facilitate the the response prevention related to OCD. I haven't responded to stimulants, but I don't know about atomoxetine. Thank you for the help

I’m going in therapy and I’m having a crisis I might speak on with my therapist. So I’ve always thought people in my age bracket as attractive even when I was a kid I always had crushes on older guys. But my Pocd has gotten so bad my brain is telling me “ there are only teenagers your attracted to “ or “ there are no adults you’ll be attracted to “ and it’s making me nauseous. Has anyone gone through this same thing? If so how do u get out of the loop.

I have been thinking about suicide a lot recently. And the thing is I don’t actually want to die I just want the thoughts to go away. I am set to get married to my amazing fiancé in 8 months and yet my mental health is awful. For context, she has been through a lot of sexual trauma. Basically from the age of 5-20 sex has been apart of her life. Abuse, assault, grooming, you name it. She’s been through so much and when she’s opened up to me about it I haven’t handled it well. I’ve been struggling with really bad ROCD, Retroactive Jealousy and Secondary Trauma for about 6 months now. She’s knows I’m working on it and trying to get help but I don’t think she truly knows how bad it is. It’s all I think about all day everyday. I never have experienced any trauma and have had a easy life and she’s the first person to ever open up to me about such trauma and it’s a lot and my brain has just handled it so well as spiraled. This is the woman I want to marry and I’m truly getting to a point I want to end my life because I can’t take these thoughts anymore. It’s a swirl of anger, confusion, jealousy, lust, sadness, etc. Hating how many gross men and older teens preyed on an autistic young girl online. Her being falsely taught from a young age that her body was the only way she could get any sense of love or attention. We are a Christian couple so waiting till marriage, but obviously she’s said she has more she needs to talk to me about because it will affect us being intimate in our marriage. With how many times she’s felt used and made to do things she didn’t consent too. I really care about her a lot and want to get to a better place. But my mind can’t wrap my head around everything and I have all these intrusive thoughts, and mental images and movies and I just don’t know if I can take it anymore. Been looking for OCD therapists and either they’re booked out 2-3 months or just insanely expensive that I can’t afford them. If any reads this please help me, I don’t want to die, but I also don’t know how else to get these thoughts to stop.

hi, im attempting to get advice and guidance from this community because i genuinely have nowhere else to turn. i feel like i can't seek advice from others in my life because it might be biased or reassuring but i feel so stagnant in this thought pattern because im unsure of what's actually best. i have BPD, AuDHD and have been involuntarily without therapy for almost 3yrs. i'm not medicated and haven't had any treatment specifically for my OCD. my partner (23) and i (24) are poly and have been seeing someone (23) together (calling them G for this) for a couple of months. it's been going well for the most part but i've been feeling so conflicted emotionally because i'm sometimes unsure how to read them at times when we're apart, they're often sending sweet messages and letting me know that they miss me or want to hangout soon and i feel very desired by them. but more often than not, once we're together it feels like we're just really good friends who are sporadically physically affectionate? and i feel less desired/liked by them there's also been a bump of tension between us because i'm a switch with no lean and my primary partner is a switch with a very heavy dom lean. G is a sub who used to identify as a switch and at times it's felt like im not "dom enough" to hold their interest. they've said things like "im just really attracted to bold people and i think we're both really shy" and its made me feel a little slighted because im positive of the fact that most people would not call me shy because i am quite the bold and intense person. they've talked about trying to date "switches" in the past and finding out those people are not really switches and it feels like in a way they're expecting me to be the same. i can't help but feel like i can't present who i am authentically because im worried about not being "dom/bold enough". my style of domming also isn't like my partner's or G's primary partner's and it sometimes feels like that's the only style they're willing to engage with. it sometimes feels like their view of D/S and top/bottom is a little rigid or boxed and i feel like im always falling short of this specific image of a dom in their mind. a few weeks ago i tried to express that this aspect of our dynamic worried me a little and that im not sure how confident i feel trying to push something that just may not work for us. we've talked before about having a romantic relationship without a spicy one should that need be the case but haven't actually had to broach that topic since we're attracted to each other. so i wasn't trying to end anything or pressure them, i just wanted to let them know where my thoughts were. but they got a little frustrated with me and asked me if i was "too scared to try" and if my fear mattered more than seeing where things go with us. i told them that i just didn't want to keep opening the door and risk making them uncomfortable just because i wanted this aspect of our relationship to happen. i didn't want to keep forcing something when it could be that perhaps we're just not compatible in that sense, i'd rather be upfront about that and adjust our dynamic accordingly. but it seemed like they really just thought i was trying to "give up" on something. i really do like them, and there have been a lot of times where I've felt desired and appreciated by them in a way that was greater than friends. they're very fun to be around and i have a nice time talking to them usually, there just feels like there's a weird ball of tension in my stomach at times, when we're together, mostly. and i feel unsure how to move because im not sure if i'm going to be speaking from a place of genuine discomfort or just unchecked fear. any perspective from people who might have dealt with a similar insecurity or experience is highly appreciated. i've really been needing to talk with someone, anyone, about this specific dilemma but i've had no luck anywhere else. i think this is my absolute last chance of gaining clarity.

its been a year since i started stressing about my past mistakes. the urges to confess are still the same. the fear that my boyfriend will leave me is still there. the feeling that im terrible person being is still there. nothing changed only my memory is worse so i dont know whats real anymore. im still thinking about old things and new things that i keep remembering. im so scared that it will never go away or my boyfriend will leave because of everything i did even though hes not mad or sad about most of these things. i have been thinking about the same thing for a couple of days. im sick of it and im scared. it wasnt even an action, i was thinking bad things about him almost two years ago at the beginning of our relationship. i dont know what to do. i have to tell him about these thoughts but i dont want to hurt him or make him sad but if i think it would hurt him, then its something important that have to be said. im scared it will never go away it was supposed to get better but it never gets better.

this probably a very silly post, but i still feel like i need to ask. so i find psychology really interesting and i like finding out how people work inside of their heads; it's just really fascinates me. recently though, i've stumbled across a lot of posts about how people's bullies (present or past) for some reason often choose career paths within psychology and therapy, education and healthcare. now, this brings me back to how in the past i had this friend i was mean to when i was around 9-11 years old (i'm 16 now). i didn't BULLY her, but i was not nice to her either and wrote some really dumb things about her in my diary. at the time i wasn't entirely at good mental health either, but that didn't excuse my attention seeking and victim mentality. since it's been a while this happened i don't know how much i remember wrong or exaggerate, either, so memories aren't a reliable scource either which feels unsafe. i really despise this version of myself and how i used to be, but i feel like because i don't have a clear moral slate i don't deserve to work within psychology, and especially within therapy as i'm scared i might not be the best with patients. the concept of controlling and/or manipulative people seeking out professions among vulnerable people, like in therapy, because they like the power and control worries me a lot, because what if the reason what if that's why i'm interested in psychology? i like to try and help people with their problems, but what if it's solely because it validates my ego and i like the sense of control or something??? i'm super scared of lacking empathy and secretly being controlling and malicious, so now i'm wondering if my past traits and mindsets (some of which still exist and i want to work on), and especially my wrongdoings, make me too bad to work in psychology,and if i should consider another path. ik this probably sounds dumb, but i don't know what to think anymore and i want to be on the safe side; i don't want to take the risk of putting myself in a line of work where i can accidentally cause harm or do something bad.

So I have been doing so well for the past couple of years. My anxiety has been extremely low and I have feel like I finally got a balance. Recently I went through a little bit of a hard time with my partner about boundaries and the opposite sex when a friend of his was being inappropriate. I'm happy to say that we work through it and we have talked about boundaries with friends of the opposite sex. But now after the conversation I feel like it triggered me into thinking that I was doing something extremely inappropriate with my male friends. I keep thinking about the what if situations. Like what if I was inappropriate, what if I was saying something that was leading them on, and all the other what ifs. Also , the male friends I have is respectful I have been very selective about the male friendships And making sure I place boundaries in place and being aware. And then I go down the rabbit hole of catastrophically thinking that this will send me into a horrible spiral and no one would ever want to be around me because I was being inappropriate and not making my relationship a priority. Now I wake up with some anxiety and panic. Ruminating over situations that have not even happened and constantly going over what I have said and scanning if I said something wrong. I have reread text messages so much and rescanning my conversation so much that I know them by heart. I can feel my heart beats to my chest and now I'm extremely worried because we are on track to have a baby and now I'm scared that will not come true because of this anxiety But I will say this I know I have been through this before. I know this feeling too well and a part of me is just saying that I need to ride this wave out and let the ocd run through my body. I need to lean on my therapist and take some more time for mental helath. Recently for the past couple months I have become so extremely confident with myself so proud of myself for conquering things that are so hard but now I feel like I jinxed myself. I have been forcing myself to do hard things and have hard conversations that I would have avoided years ago. A part of me wish that I could stare this in the the face and tell this OCD that you do not run my life and that whatever the outcome will be I will be okay.

I genuinely think people with OCD are some of the strongest people out there. We silently suffer 24/7 in a mental prison of our own making, and yet we’re still here. Still trying. People without it could never fathom how hard it is to live with a brain that feels like it was designed to torture you. We are fucking warriors fighting constant battles that nobody else sees. Be proud of yourself that you are still here and trying to make a better life for yourself because you deserve it. I’m the only one in my family with this condition, so it’s difficult for them to understand the level of suffering I experience every day. I’m very grateful for this community of people who get how hard it is and continue to fight it. It really gives me hope.