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I can’t find anyone that can help me and I feel hopeless

Hey everyone, I'm facing a challenging situation where my dreams of studying medicine abroad are unraveling due to the relentless grip of 3 years of suffering with OCD, specifically centered around philosophical and existential questions. I've always wanted to practice medicine and I've gone through absolute hell to get there and now that I'm here due to the nature of these repetitive intrusive thoughts that take up most of my day I end up failing classes and retaking semesters and the idea of dropping out because of this is like spitting in the face of my parents as they have worked so hard to get me to where I am as they are immigrants to the country there is an extra expectation for me to excel. To complicate matters, my deeply religious parents are unaware that I no longer believe in a deity. When I shared my doubts with them, they reacted strongly, intensifying the pressure I feel. In an attempt to quell intrusive thoughts, I've developed compulsive habits that may be making things worse. I find myself extensively writing about arguments against theism, engaging in live debates, debating people in comment sections, and mentally rehearsing arguments whenever religious topics arise. I even contemplate sharing a massive journal explaining why I no longer believe with my religious parents. These habits, while momentarily comforting, contribute to a strong sense of depersonalization and paralysing dread everyday especially when I wake up. These intrusive thoughts and constant replaying of arguments in my head are affecting every aspect of my life, from my academic pursuits to my relationships and mental well-being. I'm currently studying medicine abroad, and the pressure to excel is immense, but the OCD is taking a toll on my academic performance. Financial constraints make it difficult to seek therapy, and I feel trapped between the fear of being true to myself and the potential fallout from coming out to my parents due to the confessional nature of my OCD. I'm seeking advice on whether unfollowing said debate pages and stopping completely in these compulsive behaviors are engaging in avoiding the problem or if there are healthier ways to cope. Has anyone faced similar challenges and found effective strategies to break free from these cycles? Here are some of the things I worry about / do. - Persistent worry about OCD negatively impacting life - Concerns about ongoing depersonalization - Urgency to confess for reassurance - Fear of disownment over personal beliefs - Constant review of arguments due to anxiety - Maintaining a facade to keep peace - Lifelong pretense, walking on eggshells with parents - Anxiety about financial support for studies - Struggling with imposter syndrome - Difficulty maintaining stable relationships - Compulsively watching debates on religion - Desire to confess non-belief despite consequences - Anxiety over academic performance decline - Overwhelming family expectations - Doubts about enjoying my degree . - Fears of not surviving mental anguish - Ruminating on irrelevant thoughts, lacking presence - Morning anxiety like PTSD flashbacks due to OCD - Constantly jotting down thoughts for certainty - Feeling trapped in a repetitive daily loop - Perceived threat from people, feeling internally flawed - Yearning for life before current struggles - Increased argumentativeness to fuel compulsive behaviors. Any insights or recommendations would be immensely valuable. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Hi, I'm writing this just to see if someone else can relate. I've always been very confused by the difference between regular therapy and ocd therapy. What I mean is that, at least in my limited experience, regular therapy involved examining your feelings and thoughts (why you had them) and I was told that you can only process something by getting to the root of it. However, since I developed ocd and was diagnosed with it, therapy has been about tolerating anxiety, guilt, fear, sadness, etc., while forcing myself to not analyse the thoughts and feelings that I have. I feel very weird about this. It's like I went from "everything you think and feel has a reason (i am not talking here about fleeting thoughts and emotions, I am talking about recurrent and persistent ones) to "whatever feeling or thought you are having is not who you are and you should just observe it and not get involved with it". Am I the only one who is so confused by this? Also, if I am not my thoughts, and I am not my feelings, and I am not my sensations, who am I then? I mean, what is supposed to define me? I know some people say "your values" in response to this, but values are thoughts as well, and they can change over time, so, I don't think that this makes anything any clearer. Others say that it is our actions that define us. I can agree with that, but aren't our actions based on our thoughts and feelings? Anyway, I am not saying that therapy for ocd is ineffective, I am actually finding it very helpful, however I am still very confused about many aspects of it. I hoped that some of you could help me understand it better. Thanks. I wish you all a good day.

So I’m praying for something to happen and I keep praying it. Do any of you feel that God said no to your prayer even though it only came as a form as an OCD thought and it wasn’t actually him? And does it give you anxiety and stress? I speak to a pastor about this and he says that it’s just me and it’s not him

I will preface this by saying I understand the goal is to not get rid of the thoughts but instead learn to tolerate the anxiety and uncomfortable feelings. But the thoughts/feelings/urges are getting worse. It’s to the point where it feels like I either want this or that there’s no way around it. I’m starting to feel like I’m not inside my body which is making it even scarier. I cannot even describe the amount of fear I feel right now. I am absolutely terrified. It feels like I’m about to snap at any moment and I just want to tie myself down. On top of this, because I'm having this experience, it feels like I need to be locked away. It feels like reality is slipping away. Please give me any advice you have. Logically I know all of this is just a thought but I cannot get over it.

I deal with fear of death now and in this pain i noticed, suicidal ocd is there too. Christians just say dont be afraid of death cause im heaven everything will be better, you will be with Jesus, and they say dont be afraid of leaving your loved ones cause God will take care of them... When i dealt with suicidal ocd, what made me feel good was that i knew i will not do it cause i love me family and i dont want them to suffer, and i developed more respect for this life so when i hear "In heaven everything will be better" triggers me with fear and anger. Cause when i dealt with suicidal ocd, it gave me thoughts like "do it cause you will go to heaven, you will escape from the pain, you will be with Jesus, He will forgive you"... the last part got triggered in me when i heard that suicide is not an unforgivable sin, so you might go to heaven, so thats like you choose the easy way out and you still go to heaven... then the one thing that helped me was that im not in danger cause i wont do it cause i love my family and they wouldnt be able to go through that(this is still suicidal ocd, just saying i didnt planned or something) and then i read to lose the fear of death, and leaving your family with pain you have to know that God will be there with them, bumm this hit me again, so now this contradicts it, in one they say dont do it cause its painful to your family, and the other side they say dont be afraid of death cause God is with your family... everytime i try to work on my fear of death and suffering, my fear of suicide grows... Im afraid that when i will be in so much pain, i will get hit by these thoughts that in heaven we wont suffer, do it cause you will get there, God will protect your family from pain"... i just cant lose these fear, at this moment im dealing with the fear of suffering and death... fear of pain and everything horrible but the things i find on the net that should help me grows suicidal ocd... this is a reaccuring cycle

I was able to see behind the emotions and i remember that my problem started when i felt like i question God's trust. I noticed it too when everytime i had to sing a christian music where "trusting in God" was mentioned, i felt like i dont actually fully trust in Him, and i felt guilt that im not an actual christian, it went to a huge guilt and then everytime i heard about trust i felt anger. Ofcourse trying at first to see whats the problem wasnt effective, cause i thought theres a deeper problem, for me alot of times seeing the problem deeply just makes things worse cause i feel like i just follow the emotions, like seeing the deeper real problem just makes me lost and then depressed or i panic more and more cause i get lost in the rabbit hole... But now i was able to kinda see where it started. And i saw that when things get really bad, and i dont mean a little mistake, no, i mean illness, pain, suffering and all that, i get lost in it and then i feel like the things i have in my mind like "trust the Lord, He is trustworthy, He will help you" it doesn't really match with the reality im in. And then i have thoughts of questioning God, idk if these are really me or ocd but i dont like them, but at the same time i do feel like the two things doesnt really match. I read about this alot, what to do when it seems like God wont help you, but i dont like the answers, i think people just made these up to not suffer... some say accept that its for the greater good or its God's will, and it hurts me the most but can't accept that my death or the death of someone else in my family would help someone that i dont even know... If God is really love i dont think He would ever do that to any of His children... Imagine parents who leaves one of their child home alone just to take the other one somewhere cause "its best for the greater good". Of course the child will feel hurt and angry at the parents. Idk i have this in me that okay you can use my suffering to help others if it makes me stronger and i can help others. But to suffer and die, it doesnt makes me stronger, and it hurts my family too, and i want to live, i have many plans for my life. So if it would be taken away i would be sad and angry... This also makes me feel bad about myself cause then i remember that my life is not mine and im afraid that im rebelling against God, but i do not like this christian view that you have to throw away your life, you have to give it to God, its not yours, every bad thing that happen its because God allowed it for a greater good and you have to accept it cause this life is a test and in heaven you will be rewarded if you go through this... idk if you feel the same but this makes you not even try in this life. Like whatever... im focused on heaven... you can see this everywhere on the christian social medias. I dont like it, i think the "Give it to God" like do not worry so much about your things cause worry makes you not be aware and able to deal with the problem. Just accepting that im dying cause got thinks its best for others makes me depressed and more angry... i still dont know why He still allows suffering, like when its bc of sin its normal, but many times suffering can even come without sin, you can do everything good and it still comes... It really hurts me to think that i dont trust God, and it makes me feem guilt and depressed... i want to see it as an ocd problem but everytime a great suffering comes i just feel like what i learned about God doesnt match with the reality... I always want to learn more and more and be greater than i am today, but people scare me when they say this is what satan wanted too... I get lost in this and then i dont see whats the real problem, and i dont want to accept that i dont trust in God. When i try to work with this i always feel that its not possible, we are humans and we will always feel that we cant trust God, and im afraid i will never be able to go through this...

I guess this post is just a rummage of thoughts. I have been wondering lately as to why some people respond well to medication and others do not. Im also very curious as to the real reason SSRI's work. Could there possibly be a hormone it works on that hasn't been found yet. Im not buying the seratonin theory. First, Psychiatrist are not doing bloodwork to see peoples seratonin levels before prescribing drugs. 2.) If it just low seratonin why does SSRI's not cure OCD? A lot of people who take SSRI'S only see a mild decrease in symptoms. Even at high dosages.Im interested in the data coming out on GABA. If they can see that the brain behaves abnormal during screenings what is causing so much misfiring. Why do some people develop it as children, while others have an onset later in life? Besides Pandas. More importantly for children who contract it during strep, why does it normalize. Its weird that one bout of strep could permanently damage your brain, especially one that is still forming. I would have thought it would autocorrect. Why are more women diagnosed than men? Like I said just thinking.

I hate to admit this but I used to watch a lot of porn. I always had crushes on boys and wanted a boyfriend all my life. And I indentified as heterosexual. I’ve had this theme twice and gotten over when another theme took over. Unfortunately I watched a lot of female porn, and woman to woman porn and now my mind is telling me I’m bisexual. I’m so sick of this cus I don’t wanna be bisexual. I get false attractions all around. Am I suppressing sexuality? I feel so ashamed. Completely stopped watched porn.

I have real bad anxiety, existential OCD, ROCD, disassociation. My therapist is starting it next session. Have any of you had it done? Does it help? Especially the ROCD??

So today while I was talking to myself, sometimes I do this, my mind said something like to ask for a sign from God and I didn’t mean to ask it or even wanting to ask it. I was talking to myself about something that happened a few months back for when I asked God, my grandmother who’s my guardian angel, and St Therese to help me get over the hunch of scrupulosity and OCD (I’m Catholic). They then gave me a sign in Church to let them know that they heard me and I felt peace, love and excitement then. I have been dealing with something lately that I asked them then to send me a sign if something didn’t happen or occurred, even though I couldn’t picture myself saying that. If anything I would have said the exact opposite to prove what happened or occurred, not to show me a sign if something beautiful didn’t happen. Yet the feeling felt so strong as if I did say that and it kept replaying in my mind over and over again. Going back to in the moment, It just went to my mind and blurted to my mouth about asking a sign from God even though I didn’t mean for it or intended it. I then got a thought thinking that I saw something later this morning thinking that God sent me a sign about something. Well, later this morning while looking at my daily Bible app, I saw something and my mind and feelings said that God sent me that sign. Now I’m flooded with anxiety because I was getting these thoughts before and now they like manifested into reality. It’s like as if God planted those thoughts in my head to tell me what’s coming and what will happen. I’m so angry, anxious and sad. I’m scared now that what I didn’t say is actually something that I said. It’s like God is constantly trying to tell me something and he’s keeping on telling me as if he’s playing a game with me and he won’t do it until I give up and give in. I don’t know what to do. I felt very depressed last night because last night because I couldn’t take this anymore as if God is telling me these things or he revealed me to something. Is this God or OCD that’s doing all this to me? I know it’s a lot but I just need feedback from you guys

I know there is something wrong with me. Maybe it’s because of expose at an early age to mature content or maybe it’s undiagnosed hyper sexuality I think I’ve had for a while. Maybe I should unalive before I hurt someone. I’m addicted to fanfiction and my phone and I have been for a long time. I at a very early age knew everything to do with s*x and BDSM and kinks of all nature and nothing ever phased me really. I myself was an online victim of a p* but I led everything, he just never declined. “Vanilla” became boring in a way, a way I now know has led me here. I read fanfiction and things sexual with underage people, I thought oh there’s no harm because is just fiction and not real life and if stuff like that exists on the website and is able to be written maybe i can treat it separately from real life. But what if I am a p* for reading etc? I’m spiralling because I seen the comments under one of those stories and 1/4 were death threats, 1/4 are disgusting comments and the rest were neutral. I suspect I have C-ptsd, autism and adhd which all worked together in a very unhealthy tandem to led me to this. All I can feel is disgust and shame and the desire to end it. I don’t really know why I made this post or what anyone can say really but I’m sorry.

I’m turning 20 this year. I feel like I have so much limited time of being “young” which I never thought about before this. Growing up is so hard and I don’t know if it’s turning into ocd or not

I used to avoid the Reddit spiral but after making the mistake of looking up comphet last night for the first time in years I am absolutely spiraling. Have spent this whole day googling things in my bed in the dark. Not responding to anyone, not doing anything. I have found more comfort in the bisexual Reddit sub where there are more people criticizing the master doc but as my brain keeps spinning and spinning it feels like it all makes sense. A lot of them don’t understand how someone can be at some point sexually attracted to a man or want to do anything with them and then somehow be lesbian? Like if they didn’t feel forced, i mean. If you were consciously doing it because you were aware you were under pressure then that would make sense, but I feel like that doesn’t apply to me?? Maybe in some ways, like I felt convinced I needed to fit in at school and there was a couple times someone insinsuated i was not straight when I was younger and then like I’d feel the need to prove it with an existing crush like no I think _____ is cute but I don’t recall any of those crushes being formed as a RESULT of that. I just wouldn’t really do anything about my crushes and definitely had some experiences with limerence when I was younger. And even a couple times recently which drove me insane. At the same time me being super horny kind of coincided with the time that I got my iud in?? Maybe that’s the problem?? I don’t know. I also don’t remember fancying any women sexually or noticing it until I got the first same sex dream which is what I believe triggered my SO-OCD. I tend to be much more avoidant in such I would avoid googling things and avoid tv shows with gay characters and stuff like that. I would still check my attraction but now I’m the opposite and constantly googling. I’ve been sitting here all day nonstop. I’m psychoanalyzing every interaction I’ve had with both genders and am like losing it. It felt like I related to too much on the comphet doc and subs for this to not be true. But how can that all be a lie? I just don’t understand. Last night just to ease my cognitive dissonance I said ok fine maybe I’m bi. I’m bi whatever. And that eased a bit of my discomfort. But now 1. I feel like all of my attraction to men is gone now that I apparently confirmed my attraction to women and 2. Now I’m convinced I wouldn’t be bi enough and I’m just a lesbian??? I don’t even know. It never stops. And the thing that triggered me was people talking about how distressing it was for them to realize they didn’t like men. I guess I thought that was an SOOCD thing but nope another thing to worry about. Like how??? It just all feels so damn real and sometimes I feel like I’m just using HOCD to cover up my true desires. Writing this post I feel like I’m just making excuses. But if I swear I’ve felt genuinely sexually attracted to men, maybe not now but in the past and have enjoyed doing things to them, then how can I be a lesbian??? It doesn’t make any sense. I’d honestly be fine if I was bi if that meant my attraction to men was still there. I know it’d end up fine if I was really lesbian but it’s so hard for me to believe that all of that just wasn’t true. I never felt much pleasure through penetrative sex and struggled to get turned on. Like I feel like now at least men’s bodies don’t do it for me and women’s could if I let my mind accept it. In the past I feel like I’d go crazy over vlines and veiny hands like I literally remember looking up veiny hands on my own because I thought they were hot. And there’s things I love about men too but I just don’t know if it’s comphet or what. But I literally have gotten turned on to a man’s body from both solo porn and videos sent to me so what?? I don’t feel disgusted by men, maybe a bit uncomfortable around them but mainly the ones I considered attractive. I know I’ve seen a man and thought wow I’d totally fuck him. But I guess when it comes down to it I don’t enjoy it as much as I think I will?? Maybe I’m asexual, or bi, demi, or graysexual or heteroromantic or whatever. Any of those I’d honestly be fine with. But it’s just the idea of being a lesbian that freaks me out, and I don’t like to think it’s because of internalized homophobia but because this is something I’ve known to be true about myself for so long and something I rarely doubted albeit maybe a few times after crude comments from classmates. But I don’t know. It’s all just wild how different things feel. It feels like my brain is telling me I’m just lying when I was sobbing crying over a man two days ago. Like what?? It brings me nothing but stress and anxiety. I haven’t slept well in days. I’d usually go to bed fantasizing about a man and now I can barely even do it because my brain is telling me it’s not what I want. Ugh.

Whenever I’m out having fun with friends. I feel such shame, guilt, and sadness that I am having fun without my immediate family and start to think about the fact that they won’t be here with me one day. They have difficult lives so I feel guilt that I’m able to have fun while they deal with depression or anxiety. It consumes me to the point where I will want to leave what I’m doing and go home. Even when I am with them sometimes I hyper-fixate on the idea of them passing one day or soon and I become overwhelmed with sadness so I try to do lots of things to tune out those thoughts. Any ideas on how to cope with this?

TW death, terminal illness I feel like I could be suffering from complex post traumatic stress disorder, specifically due to loss. I just get these waves of sadness, not always physical but like a hole is in my chest and my body is compacting on itself. Sometimes it does come out in the form of crying. Random things trigger it, mostly music, and sometimes it seems like nothing at all has. Death has always been a core part of my life and my childhood. I have a massive family and im one of the youngest, so that means much of my relatives have and will die before me (potentially.) my grandma when I was age 2, great grandparents around 5-6, 2 cousins around age 8, grandpa at age 9, aunt at age 10, other grandpa at age 12, other grandma at age 13, more aunts and uncles age 14-16, and most recently, my uncle who I was very close with died when I was 18 a year ago. They’ve all died from rather horrific causes, glioblastoma, birth defect, cancer, dementia. Cancer is the biggest. I just feel like im always anticipating the next soul shattering loss. Will it be my mom or dad? My cousin? A baby cousin? My aunt and 2nd mother figure? I feel surrounded by death. I think this is why I have such intense, spontaneous waves of depression. I feel it right now as im typing this. I think writing it out is helping.

Hi all, I’m really having a hard time with my OCD. I start ERP therapy on Friday, I had an intake session last week. I had a horrible OCD episode that knocked me off my feet last April and made my life so small. I lost my Nana, who was dying a slow death from cancer and I obsessed over this and criticized myself so much and started having existential obsessions. I worried if I loved her too much or not enough and it made me sick. I’m an artist, I stopped making art because I was having doubts and intrusive thoughts that I’m a bad person and I’m not truly an artist. I stopped doing freelance, which was my entire income. Then I got my dream job at a museum, then I started having doubts about deserving a good life and “living a lie”. Then I started obsessing over my sexuality and my relationship. Terrified that I can never get married or have kids because of my OCD. I was abused as a child and have a lot of shame about myself and also fear of trusting people. As a kid I dealt with horrible intrusive thoughts, as well as obsessions about my health that took so much of my childhood from me. The thing that scares the living crap out of me is many of these recovery stories where people had to “let go” of their entire lives and entire selves in order to get better. I feel like I’ve worked really hard to give myself a chance at life and I’m following my dreams, but I feel like OCD derailed those plans. So in order to get better, do I have to give those dreams up for good? I’m so scared. Would love to hear from someone who is in recovery or anyone who has similar fears.

I have spent about 6 hours today trying to figure out the answers to a couple questions. And I feel like I will lose my salvation if I don’t get the answers right. At this point, I am just going in circles in my mind.

I feel like crap. I am out in medication but I know it is not a fix all. I know I still have to work on this and I am still going to have tough days I am just so scared that I am not living my life ti the fullest. I am just really tired. I am trying my hardest though. I am scared the most about not being happy. I have had to live one day at a time before. I don’t want it ti get that bad again. I feel like I am just stuck in this infante loop. I am happy, then normal then horrible then slowly I pick myself up again and I can be happy but I miss out on so much while I am miserable. It is the worst feeling. It feels like nothing can fix this, all my fears are true and life has no meaning. I have am having a really hard week. I am sick, I m trying to socialize, I am doing work, I am away from home. It is just really hard right now. And I am scared it is going to just get worse

my ocd triggers my ptsd everyday and im struggling to escape these vivid intrusive thoughts. i feel so detached and unaware, like im not me. am i in denial of reality in some way? if so, how do i snap out of this daze? im in a dream state all the time i think cuz of the pain im in. i just want one day without sinister chatter in my mind and gross feelings invading my body whenever my mind goes blank. instead of silence in my brain, there's something that fills the emptiness with negativity. it feels like a gravity pulling me down into a terrible place like something wont let go and im being gas lighted into thinking i want it. it's also like im compulsively mocking myself in the most cruel ways i can think of, but it's a voice that is definitely not me. then i follow it up with a defense compulsion even though i shouldn't need to since the truth is obvious that i am not evil and i dont wanna do bad things. my trauma is taking away my sanity/consciousness and im tryna gain it back, but i welcome any positivity.