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Anyone starting ERP and feel completely uncomfortable with the maybe I will, may I won’t, can’t know for sure statements? I feel like it goes against everything I believe. My strength comes from The Lord!

I don't know what's real. I don't know who I am, I don't know if everything I believe is made up, all my emotions, my memories..it feels fake, I'm stressed the fuck out because I can't even tell if my past is real

I hate that 2 words can make me spiral downhill. A simple “What if I don’t like girls anymore” or “What if I’m not always interested in looking at revealing photos of Women.” It’s so silly. I’m the type of guy who loves providing and protecting a woman and I don’t do hook ups. As much as I find women in revealing clothing attractive, I find myself constantly daydreaming (non sexually) if I see a beautiful woman that I want to pursue. I love being in love with a woman. It makes me feel really happy and it just feels like OCD is taking that away from me. The more I overthink and ruminate on What If thoughts, the more it feels like I’m turning gay, even though I know that’s not how sexuality works. I want to be with a woman romantically and I want to marry a woman. If I catch myself scrolling too fast on a girl in cleavage, I’ll think I’m gay 🤦🏻‍♂️ or if I stare at a guys face in a video for a certain amount of seconds instead of the woman , I’ll think “oh no I’m turning.” Like I feel I’m the only one who has these ridiculous ocd thoughts

feel really down like i'll never be able to live my life i feel i'm never truly happy i just have to get by i feel stuck ive had loads of therapy cbt nothing will ever really help me 😞

I’m hoping someone else can relate to this. I think I have seasonal depression. This happens every year around this time. I always say autumn and winter are my favorite seasons, but I think I just prefer the weather; the mental toll is soul crushing. I feel so insignificant and lonely. I feel like the most insignificant person in my friend and family’s lives. I don’t think they worry about me or often think about me and I don’t get invited to things very often. I don’t know how to not feel like the biggest, most worthless piece of shit in the universe. I don’t know how to change. I thought my anxiety meds would help but they don’t touch this feeling. The B12 vitamins, either. Does anyone have any advice? I don’t think I feel suicidal, just like no one cares about me as much as I care about them. Every year. Gosh I hate this disease. I feel like I live in a completely different reality from everyone else. Sorry this is a long post and I said a cuss word. Okay bye. Thank you.

I was in a relationship for 11 months, we couldn't really get along but I loved him and I met his family and all so it was a big step and my longest relationship ever however he did a lot of things which made me question it, when I was experiencing ocd for the first time he tried helping me but he got fed up and irritated by it and he would play the game and show me no attention so I knew he wasn't the one for me but I loved him anyway, we broke up and I met my first love and I moved on into another relationship without healing I guess because I always healed like that but truthfully I knew it didn't heal 100% , now in this relationship I keep thinking about my last relationship which comes with guilt and not only that but my ocd latched on to that because I fear going crazy so I had a intrusive thought such as "What if I go crazy because of a boy " and the reason for that thought is because I asked what happened to someone that's "mentally ill" and he is homeless and I asked and someone told me he went "crazy" because his girlfriend left him and moved to another country with everything they both worked on so he lost his mind because of it and I was scared that would happen to me which led me to get scared I might go crazy too because of my break up and I'm so scared and I'm torn between being alone ( one of my biggest fears) and heal from everything n learn how to love myself or idk.

My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.

I’m just kind of sad right now. The primary subtype of OCD that’s a struggle for me is existential OCD. I’m afraid of losing my mind, of not knowing what’s real, not being able to trust my perceptions. It makes it hard to trust people, and impossible to trust myself. I did a screening with my therapist, and because of my eclectic and (admittedly) sort of ‘out there’ spirituality combined with this OCD type, I have a fair number of experiences that align with symptoms of schizophrenia. My therapist has told me she doesn’t think I’m schizophrenic, even though she knows about all my weird stuff, and that’s reassuring. But of course I can’t help but wonder if she’s wrong. Then I spiral because my best friend is the one who introduced me to this spiritual stuff, and while she has always been very careful never to bring anything up unless I asked about it or suggested it first, it gets in my head as this whole ‘crazy being contagious’ fear. What if she’s delusional and I’m just so suggestible that I’ve fallen in with her? What if she’s malicious and she’s lying to me or manipulating me? She’s always been kind and considerate and a wonderful friend, always there when I need here and never unkind. But her circle is small and some of those close to her think she’s crazy. I don’t know. I have nobody to ask. This belief system, for lack of a better term, has generally improved my life. It makes the world feel exciting and open and yeah some things are silly and weird and I wouldn’t tell most people about them because they sound crazy, but I try to let it go most of the time and say as long as I’m safe and safe to be around, it’s all okay and I can believe whatever I want. Whatever silly or out there thing helps me live. But it’s been hard lately. Sometimes I can’t tell if I genuinely believe or if I’m just playing some game of pretend that I want to believe in. My long term memory is terrible, as I began depersonalizing and dissociating as a child and never really stopped. I don’t have DID or anything, I’m just not that grounded, so my memory is bad. I think I had at least some of my epiphanies myself, and my belief system has aligned with hers naturally. I have a friend who didn’t know either of us until very recently, and knew me for a while first, and their beliefs are also similar. There’s no code or creed or cult that fits them perfectly, it kinda pulls from everywhere. That’s reassuring. That friend is reassuring. They came to believe these things without my best friend’s influence. I like to think I did too, and that my best friend just answered some questions and soundboarded with me and posed theories and I came to my own conclusions. But I don’t trust myself, so I wonder if maybe I’m just an idiot who had all these ideas implanted into my head by her. Maybe I’m just a puppet being pulled around. And seeing that paper with those little boxes next to those symptoms and checking them off…what if I’m just catching the crazy? What if I was always precarious in my sanity and all it’s taken is at best another crazy person and at worst a manipulative person to push me into unreality? I’m so tired. And I’m so scared. And I’m so sad. If anybody else has any experiences or feelings like this with their existence or their spirituality, I want to hear. I feel like I’m alone here. I want to believe I’m not. But I don’t talk about these things, so I don’t know.

My brain feels cooked, my nerves feel fried...I feel constant anxiety about my thoughts 24/7 now. My therapist told me he doesn't believe I have Depersonalization disorder and that it's all "placebo/nocebo effect" or "confirmation bias". I wake up feeling so disconnected from everything though, or maybe I am truly just telling myself that. I have intrusive thoughts that my brain can't mentally process what my eyes are seeing so it's almost like I'm blind even though I have perfect vision. It stresses me out to the point to where I don't wanna live anymore, yet the thought of death terrifies me. I never thought at 25 I would be experiencing these things, questioning how we exist, what causes it. I was prescribed Lexapro but the first 4 days of taking it my anxiety was so absolutely horrible that I stopped taking it...now my anxiety has labeled medication as a threat and taking any causes a full blown panic attack. I don't mean to come off as super negative but like...all I feel on a daily basis it seems is fear, panic, misery, and depression. I just don't know what to do. My therapist has told me to try and say "nope" out loud to these intrusive thoughts but it doesn't do much since my brain is obsessing and racing 24/7. I'm chronically tired and I'm just over it. My mental health is taking a toll on my bf now, and I'm terrified of losing him because of it and we've been together for 5 years now. People relating to me used to bring comfort, but now it feels like nothing does. I feel alone despite others dealing with the same mental issues I am. And all of this started, all of it From a migraine that caused a panic attack on July 27th. That right there was what caused my mental health to take a nose dive...idk what to do...I always feel like I'm not long for this world...like my life story is gonna be over soon...idk why, i dont have excessive thoughts of self harm.

Fear is like looking ahead at a dense fog, uncertain of what lies beyond, while grief is like staring at a shadowy reflection in a rearview mirror, tied to what has already passed. Both is a relationship in time, fear has to do with the future, while grief has to do with the past. The struggle often comes from our difficulty in coping with the unknown future and the belief that we are accountable for the past. Personally, I view my life as a storybook, where every event is predestined and predetermined before I even arrived in this world. Just as reading a book doesn't change its plot, my journey through life doesn't alter the events that were always meant to be. So, why fear the future if it's already written and unchangeable by my actions or choices? Similarly, why grieve the past when nothing could have altered its course? Instead, I choose to live (submit) in the present and savor each page as it unfolds. I hope this perspective brings you comfort as well.

I think back to my childhood when things were better and where I didn't have any problems. Everything is too overwhelming and things just aren't good. But this breaks me because I think back to my kid self and how he could have never imagined things would be this bad or that I would be consumed by something as horrible as porn I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I just don't feel like I believe I can get through this and it's bothering me so much that it's overwhelming.

I (15m)am a monster. I have done horrible things mistakes or not I don’t think people would ever forgive me. When I got into highschool when I was 14 I had a messed up mindset that being sexual was the way to go with everything and I was way to open to people who I just met. This led to me revealing personal things about myself that made others uncomfy and flirting with my friends all the time and making sexual jokes comments and just sexual flirting even when they said no (this was over text) Me thinking back on this makes me realize how uncomfy I made these people it’s sick I considered them my friends and ended up traumtizing them. One of them stopped talking to me because of my behavior they were scarred and they can’t even bring themselves to look at me and don’t even want me saying their name. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live. And idk how I can move on with my life ever why shouldn’t I be locked up if I ever got help like therapy I would go to jail and rightfully so I’m a monster.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DRUG USE: Hello everyone ! My name is Nicholas and this is the first time I’ve ever posted but I really just wanted to see if anyone has any experience like mine. I had tried shrooms about 4 months ago and took way too many and genuinely hallucinated and almost severely mutilated myself. During that trip I felt like I was stuck in a time loop and that the trip kept restarting. I was okay for a couple of months and then stupidly I thought smoking weed would be nice and could help calm some of my symptoms, and oh boy, I was severely wrong. I was thrown into what I could only really call PTSD, I could feel everything that I felt those previous months ago and that I felt like I was stuck back in this bad trip and that my reality was gonna fall apart, it’s now the day after and I’m still having those fears. I’m not really looking for advice, but I guess I could say more like looking for anyone with similar experiences? Just curious to see if anyone else out there has dealt with this :)

I have always had crushes on guys but I’ve always been too afraid to act on any of them. Which leads me to today, single. I have never been in a relationship and it’s hard for me to envision myself in one. Plus my socd is really bad. I have gotten to the point where I don’t know what I want. I have always wanted a husband but I’m second guessing that all the time. I try and think of scenarios for both outcomes and nothing gives me any clarity. I’m afraid that when I get a boyfriend I’m going to realize I don’t like guys. I’m afraid that if I get drunk at a party I’ll kiss a girl. I’m afraid to just live my life at this point. I’m afraid there is no one out there for me. Im battling myself everyday and now the lines between ocd and reality are not there anymore. Idk what to do. I’m trying to take it one day at a time and tell myself to let it be. But the intense anxiety hasn’t left me for 3 days. I just wanted to write it out and get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

yesterday i was here making posts that im hopeless, that i dont think im gonna get through this today. today one of my friends passed away. i have death ocd. i fear losing people that are close to me and i just lost one i havent ate anything in two days or drink that much water. i cant accept it. i wish the person was still near me, i wish i could hug them this is the worst and most suicidal ive felt in a long long time.

I’ve recently become unemployed and the journey to finding a new job is honestly unbearable. I struggle with a major lack of self confidence and I don’t believe I’m good at anything nor smart enough for it, so whenever I look at job websites and see different things advertised I panic. Even with what I’ve wanted to do for years, the thought of going out and doing that makes me feel horrendous because I don’t think I’m capable of doing it. And what doesn’t help is the fact I’ve told my parents this and they just scream at me saying I can’t sit around doing nothing every day when that’s already something I don’t want to do. I want a job, I want to do something I enjoy, I like working I do, and once I’m it in I know I’ll enjoy it, but there’s certain things stopping me from going for it. I hate myself over every possible level to the thought of people seeing me everyday is making me panic, I don’t think I’m very intelligent so anything that requires me to do maths or organise numbers or anything like that is out of the question. I’ve worked in hospitality for 7 years, doing shit I despise and I honestly have hated every moment of it so I can’t go back there. It’s all scaring me, all making me feel like I’m just incapable of doing anything right, I genuinely just don’t even want to wake up tomorrow because the thought of living this life for the rest of my life is ridiculous. I don’t want to do it. I don’t have anything I’m good at, there’s nothing I enjoy what the hell am I meant to do with that? I’m honestly so stuck. Everyone keeps saying “beggars can’t be choosers” but this is my fucjing life and I have to do a shit job that makes me want to throw myself off a 30 story building till I’m 70? Fuck no. What kind of life is that? Just so I can make money? And afford bills? And pay to live? wtf I don’t even want to be here so why am I doing that. I don’t enjoy living I a really fucking hate it. And working down the local grocery store is just not gonna make me wanna be here any longer. I really hate it here and now I have to find a job that I’ll hate? I’m so stuck

I watch Mark Dejesus and he made videos about obsessing about sin, is it sinful what i do?, and he explains it well that we think what we like is sin cause we are afraid that we "idolize that", and he said some exemples but those were very black and white answers and things are not always like that. There are things in the grey area too. I like to write music lyrics, and alot of times i make parodies about today's music, using the topics they sing today(mostly trap/rap), and i like it cause its funny. I dont live like that, thats the whole point that i dont like those songs and i make fun of that, some understands the jokes. Theres alot of people who does the same. Idk why but i enjoy it, but i heard someone said "think about what do you give to the world, does it gives to it or take something" and it just makes me feel guilt now, i cant enjoy it...Christian life is so tiring, people expect you to be so good, a saint and everything that is a little greyish its a sin and you should leave it... It's not just this, its about alot of things. I have a darkish humour, that doesnt mean i enjoy animal abuse or people dying, but sometimes i laugh at things that people think arent funny...I laugh at bad words too, idk its funny to me, i cant repress laughing at them, also people who use social media today knows that there are alot of "racist jokes" but ive seen alot of people saying that liking and laughing at those jokes doesnt mean youre racist and i agree with that. I dont care what color of skin you have, we all are the same, but i laugh at those jokes,and now even black people make fun of themself, so they are racist? So if i laugh about their jokes im racist? Its not that simple. Christians expect you to be so pure when even Jesus were angry, he made people angry, sometimes he said something to the other person that triggered him to expose his ego, he made jokes, some of them sounds too much for us,but im tired of it now. We dont know what could lead you to live a sinful life... maybe i can live in these grey areas and not fall into the black ones... I feel like i shouldnt listen to christians, they are humans too with their own opinion, maybe i should give my trust to God and hope that if i go near to sinful things, He will tell me... Now i dont feel anything that would tell me its a sin, i just feel guilt but thats because of condemnation...and some christians wont like what i do, how i act but i cant bee good for everyone... I have the same problem with music about love, if theres a little sexual thing in it it is sinful... its from the devil... its stupid tho, why we are afraid of sex? I get it if its about multiple person and we are "flexing" with that okay then, but why someone wouldnt make a love song about his wife and its a little bit sexual and if we listen it we think about our wifes too...im so sad about this... i even lost a christian friend because of this, not like he died but he doesnt want to believe anymore cause he is tired, and i start to feel like im tired of it too...

Last night was one of the worst days of my life. i went out with my girlfriend and two of my friends, it went okay at first i was trying my best to focus on the task ahead but the after i got a bit sleepy and it was just downhill. i had derealization. i had anxiety so bad that it made me unable too walk and now that im writing this im just scared of doing anything because i dont wanna fall in that nightmare again. last night was third day of prozac for me, people say it makes you feel worse then better but i dont wanna feel worse.. i wanna get better, im tired of making people around me feel useless cause they cant help me.

Im so anxious that I can barely function anymore I dont even know why,I was just laying in my bed and randomly I got anxious I think it may be caused by that I havent been stimming in a while but my mind is telling me that its because something bad is going to happen in a moment like a war or something like that

it feels like a monster crawling into my skin. like this unwanted feeling & thought. anytime I see a trigger, my brain does the honor to torture me. it’s like I’m trapped. locked in place. and you can’t do anything about it when it comes. you want it to go away but it eats at you. you’re sure you aren’t what you fear. but each exposure makes you rethink. and the cycle begins. what the fuck even is real or fake??? shit feels real to me. I hate it. it causes so much stress. shame. it’s like my brain forces me to. I don’t want it anymore. I want to go back to the way I was. before all of this took over. I want to rest.