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Hey guys, I had a thought or something I was doing that had a negative impact on me. Now I have anxiety because I cannot remember what the heck it was! I was doing so good until now. Now I have anxiety and am scared!

On the 4th of July I got very drunk and at one point lost my friends in a crowd. I went back to my friend’s house and while waiting for them all to come back, I started talking to her neighbors and lighting off fireworks with them. I remember all of this event and remember when my boyfriend came back I introduced him to them. If I had done something wrong or cheated on my boyfriend I would’ve known and definitely would’ve felt anxious or a feeling of guilt/shame. A week later I was worried I had either gotten with one of them or one of my boyfriend’s friends. I was able to move past this but recently got a sore throat and now I’ve convinced myself I have an oral STD and it’s because I got with someone on the 4th of July. I told my boyfriend this fear this morning which I know I should not have done and I feel so regretful for it. I am so confident I didn’t get with anyone as I would remember but for some reason I can’t push this idea that I did and I just am suppressing the memory. This false memory is so hard for me to move on from because if it is true, I can’t be with my boyfriend anymore. What do I even do?

So recently I made a post about having the theme of fear of psychosis and schizophrenia which has led to the fear of not getting sleep and being scared I’ll go crazy and start hallucinating from the lack of sleep. Last night I was able to sleep some hours after not being able to properly sleep for 4 nights (like I actually dreamt) but of course when I woke up I got the the thought “what if you didn’t sleep and you think you did” “what if you’re just hallucinating it” it made me instantly sick to my stomach! Of course I know I slept but these thoughts just get crazier everyday making me feel like I’m actually crazy. I just want to cry. It’s a constant battle everyday and I’m just so tired. I’ve never had these thoughts before. If anyone has gone through this please tell me what helped you. I miss getting home and looking forward to sleeping not being scared I won’t. And I miss just living my life and not having thoughts questioning if it’s my reality or not. Please I could really use some advice.

I (15m)am a monster. I have done horrible things mistakes or not I don’t think people would ever forgive me. When I got into highschool when I was 14 I had a messed up mindset that being sexual was the way to go with everything and I was way to open to people who I just met. This led to me revealing personal things about myself that made others uncomfy and flirting with my friends all the time and making sexual jokes comments and just sexual flirting even when they said no (this was over text) Me thinking back on this makes me realize how uncomfy I made these people it’s sick I considered them my friends and ended up traumtizing them. One of them stopped talking to me because of my behavior they were scarred and they can’t even bring themselves to look at me and don’t even want me saying their name. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live

How vivid are your false memories? I didn’t have this FM until i kept thinking into if something happened on a night i was drinking Now ive come up with the worst possible scenario and my brain is convincing me its true with IMAGES Anyone else go through this?

this is an event that im not at all clear on, it took place 7 years ago when i was 12 (i am now 18). i was holding my baby cousin on the couch and using snapchat filters to entertain them per the usual. i used to love doing that, i was always the baby in the family so i was excited to have a baby cousin of my own. and then i think i looked down and noticed my hand was over their diaper area and they also had on a diaper & pants ofc), and then i rubbed over the entire front of it (ew)🤢 i think because of the area and curiosity, this is what i've tried to remember. and now my head is saying that i liked it and was turned on idk truly, it happened years ago it's all a blur. i don't know why i would do it. but i know i would never hurt them, i mean i've been obsessed with them since before they were even born! but i don't have any clear memory of what happened, but i do think it was something like that. I think i was too young to think much of it or see the full spectrum of things because they had a diaper on. but i still feel terrible, this is an old obsession because i almost offed myself 2 years ago because of the same dilemma. i broke completely down and was crying so hard i could hardly breathe. she told me to calm down, & that i was probably curious and i was young. but i still feel like i sa'ed them, even though i didn't actually touch their privates and definitely had no intentions of it either. and then someone on her told me if it was sexual intentions then it was sa, but i hardly remember the situation so i don't fully know. i can't live like this.

Hey everyone! It’s a long post (sorry😂). I just wanted to share something I experienced today, hopefully it will encourage many of you to see that there is a life that you can enjoy whilst battling OCD! I have been pretty much compulsion free for 5 months! I have been really proud of myself and I have genuinely been loving life! However, today, was not a good day. It was a complete nightmare in fact. I had this intense feeling of anxiety, fear, panic, doubt, and guilt running through me all day. I kept avoiding things because I knew it was going to trigger me, and I was expecting my unwanted intrusive thoughts to pop up (which obviously they did 🙄). I found myself engaging in compulsions all day. I struggled to watch a TV series as I kept thinking that I wasn’t paying attention, and then OCD would tell me “what if I wasn’t actually paying attention to the TV series, and what if I did something bad and don’t remember it?!”. I found myself constantly rewinding the programme in order to relieve my anxiety and distress, and to gain certainty that I saw every single scene perfectly to reassure myself. Obviously as you can expect, this did not do me any favours. It only did one thing, it made my anxiety worse and increased the amount I was doing compulsions. This has easily been one of the hardest days I have had in a very long time, and I kept thinking to myself, “why is this happening to me?”. I sat down in the evening and started to think about my day. I realised that OCD will do whatever it can to keep us in this cycle. It can pop up at anytime, and it will try the same old tricks it always has. But the most important thing I realised today, is that progress isn’t linear. One bad day DOES NOT mean I am back to square one. I just had a bad day, that’s all! It doesn’t mean all the hard work and everything I have accomplished has gone down the drain, in fact it is actually an opportunity! An opportunity for me to use all the skills and tools I have learnt to be able to deal with setbacks! After this, I told OCD to bog off, and I watched the TV series without engaging in any compulsions! Did I feel scared? Hell yes 😂 Did I have doubts pop into my mind? Of course I did, it’s what OCD is, it’s the DOUBT DISORDER! But most importantly, I chose to do the hard thing and not give into OCD, I chose to lean into the uncertainty and discomfort and just let it be! I just wanted to share this as a message of encouragement for anyone on their recovery journey! It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to still have doubts and “what-ifs” pop into your mind. It’s okay to be uncertain! This is how OCD works! It targets the things we love the most, and it will target our values and intentions! Remember, you are so much more than your OCD! You all got this! Keep going!🙏🏽🫶🏾

So for the past month I have been dealing with the theme of going into a psychosis/or becoming schizophrenic. Having thoughts like is this really my reality? I am really here? I’m I just hallucinating what I want to see and did something horrible? Very scary thoughts. I’ve also been dealing with harm intrusive towards myself and towards my family. Recently this week I’ve developed a new theme of fearing not being able to sleep and going crazy from not being able to sleep. I lay there at night waiting to fall asleep and no matter how tired I was all day sleep doesn’t come. And then when I actually get some hours of sleep I question if I really slept and didn’t just hallucinate sleep. Which is very ridiculous I know. I’m just really scared and feel so helpless right now. I haven’t been diagnosed for OCD but I’m positive it’s what I have. I’m just so tired and feel like crying all the time. Sleep was the one thing I had to escape from all this crap and now that has gotten taken away from me as well. I just want my life back. Yesterday my family came over and for once I was able to forget about the thoughts for the time they were here and it felt so nice. I’m trying so hard to be okay for my family but I’m not. Im drowning on the inside and I just want to breathe. I can’t afford therapy right now and I have been prescribed sertraline 25mg for my anxiety but I’m to scared to take it. If anyone can relate or give me advice it would be greatly appreciated. I know reassurance is not what I should be getting but I’m just so scared.

Kind of a vent, thank you if you read all the way through. It feels like every time a new chapter of my life opens up or is on the horizon, my OCD flares up so bad. I get imposter syndrome, I get the urge to confess, self-sabotage, ruminate, etc. I’m moving in with my boyfriend’s family soon. Me and him are long-distance (14 hours away from each other), and this move means we will be able to get married sooner. I am SO excited! … but I also have ROCD soooo bad. My OCD tries to convince me I’m a liar, I’m an imposter, I don’t deserve him, “what if I cheated on him and can’t remember?”, etc. and it’s miserable it eats me up. It feels like lately I’m having 1 good day and then 3 bad days, over and over again. Me and him just met in person for the first time this year (in June actually) after knowing each other 4 years and being together for 2. I have also had some other life changes, family drama, and now moving on top of all of that, I can’t help but wonder if change *itself* is triggering my OCD. I stayed with my boyfriend and his family for a month, and I loved it! My OCD was bad maybe the first week I was there, and it flared here and there, but I was able to cope and I felt so hopeful. It was really nice being around his family a lot, his siblings and parents are really fun to be around and my OCD is much better when I’m around people. Now, I’ve been home for almost a month, and throughout the past month I’ve been so anxious on and off with OCD flares. I got home, and then the next day my mom went out of state for about 2 weeks and I was home completely alone. Going from always being around people and talking to them, to being home completely alone and sleeping alone, it drove me crazy. I am also thinking of my future and I’m simultaneously excited and terrified. I’m so scared for when me and my boyfriend get married and eventually have children, I want kids so bad, but I’m scared because I have to be off my meds (Clomipramine) during pregnancy. I’m afraid that if I can barely cope *now* while I’m medicated, how the heck will I cope when I’m pregnant and unmedicated for 9 months? It’s just so many thoughts roll in and my OCD and anxiety takes over and I’m so sick of being so overwhelmed all the time. I’m so sick of feeling knots in my stomach for not confessing or ruminating. Please, does anybody relate?

Last week I was somewhere and it was really crowded and I’m usually the type of person to ne extremely slow in big crowds because I’m really scared of accidentally touching other people. But I had to follow somebody else and I got really mad at how crowded it was so I was like „f it, I’m making my way through this Crowd even if I bump into somebody else“ and I bumped into the first person and at the second person I was also still really mad and this person was pretty overweight but I still wanted to make my way through the crowd so I just decided to squeeze myself through the gap in between the fat person and somebody else. And as I was doing so, my upper arm touched the persons (woman by the way) b0bs. But I still kept squeezing myself through which took quite some time (or at least felt like it). But during this time, I was suddenly extremely dissociated from reality bc of how warm it was at the time and maybe that’s why it felt longer than it was but I don’t know. Anyway, I low-key felt that my arm was touching the woman’s b0bs but somehow I didn’t stop pushing against that person to get through the crowd. And like I even remember telling myself „you need to let go“ but somehow this just never happened. And I can’t really remember what else I thought. And now I’m scared that I touched that woman on purpose and that I SA‘d her. And I know it was just my upper arm and not like my hand or sth and I wasn’t even looking at her because of how absent I was, I just noticed that it felt like I was touching her b0bs. And right after I had squeezed myself through, I got filled with an insane amount of Panik and got scared that I had just SA‘d somebody. And now I keep trying to remember what exactly I had thought in that moment. And like the thing is that I think I had some intrusive thought while approaching the woman and I was already quite absent at that point and didn’t really respond to the thought and I can’t remember what exactly I thought. Like I keep being scared that I thought of hurting her in that way out of anger but the thing is that I don’t have any interest in doing so and I didn’t look at her and wasn’t aware of touching her yk until I finally noticed that it felt weird. So it rather makes sense to have been that I was yet again planning on bumping against her. Maybe it was also an intrusive thought of doing that to her but I really can’t remember as I didn’t really pay attention to my brain at that moment. But I don’t think I was planning on touching her yk as I said I only noticed it at some point bc of how weird it felt. I think I was rather aiming for her shoulder. And then also while that was happening and I came to realize what I was touching I thought that I needed to let go but I think I also thought „no, I’ll get through here“ and just proceeded to push against her slightly. But yet again I’m scared that I was doing all this on purpose to SA her. Though I really only noticed that she somehow felt too yk kinda soft to have this be her shoulder or sth and that’s when it hit me but I was so caught up in my brain that I just couldn’t let go and just finished my mission of pushing through. But I’m still scared that I did all this on purpose and I keep questioning what exactly I had thought and why I didn’t just stop pushing against her and why I was pushing against her anyway. Like it was only a relatively slight push but it was as if I was somehow leaning against her to get through but the thing is that I also can’t remember the other person and the movement of my toes. And that’s why I’m scared that I just randomly stopped and did that though I remember to have continued moving while that was happening, so why did it take so long? Was the length of that just my perception? And can anybody tell me if this is considered SA? Bc I’m so scared but no matter how often I tell myself that this is sth I’d never do and even am scared of to death, it just won’t stop. Like I only remember that I was extremely mad and aiming to run against others. And like I’m literally not into women I don’t even have any interest in such stuff but I’m scared that I might’ve just SA‘d her out of anger but yet again I just don’t understand anything I’m so confused bc nothing makes sense and it also wouldn’t make sense for me to be surprised to be touching a woman’s yk with my upper arm while also planning to do that like it doesn’t make sense

+18 TRIGGER WARNING I’ve been rethinking things from the past and one of those things was a conversation I had with someone on the chatting app yik yak about six months ago. On there, I joined the smut community and started posting stuff on there (story excerpts, writing questions, etc.) and someone dmed me about one of my posts. They asked if we could role-play a situation about a husband and wife. It got pretty graphic, too. We moved off the app and started texting but my anxiety got the better of me and I looked up their number and found their social media. It confirmed the school that they told me they went to, their major, work experience, and even their name. According to their social media, they’re 23 (22 during the time of our conversation) and I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy. Still, I DONT KNOW for certain and I’m scared that I was interacting with someone underaged the entire time. I’ve been going back through screenshots to try to decipher what I can find but it still hangs over my head. (Edit: I did ask for their age when we were texting and I remember that they told me they were 22. But I can’t find any of those texts and I’m scared that my mind is just filling in the blanks. I have had their number blocked and deleted from my phone since March of this year.)

⚠️ TW sexual themes ⚠️ I have OCD regarding sexual themes. I struggle with real event/false memory OCD, and I used to struggle with different sexual sins before me and my boyfriend were together. My OCD tells me that if we get married, and we consummate our marriage, that it’ll be sex under false pretenses if I don’t confess everything I’ve ever thought/done in regards to my past. It makes me feel like when we do end up exploring the sexual aspect of our relationship, that it’ll be SA unless he knows everything. OCD is ridiculous. Can anyone relate to this? The thought of hurting him in that way actually makes me sick to my stomach and makes me shake.

I have posted about this a few times before but it’s still flaring up, I feel so guilty and cannot stop thinking about the event and anything else that could’ve happened. My real event happened when I was 10/11 with a friend who was younger than me, I haven’t talked to this friend since I was 12 and the real event ocd didnt start effecting me until I was 19, it just hit me out of nowhere and paralyzed me with fear and intrusive thoughts. I was terrified I was a predator, that I was going to go to jail, or that the person involved would cancel me on the internet and everyone I loved would hate me. It has been one of my biggest ocd themes and something I feel so guilty for, I have confessed to my mom and my friend and they said it was normal and my friend who is a bit older than me said she even did something similar. I just feel so guilty, I’m currently in college and all I can think about is “what if I go to jail” “what if I get arrested” “what if I get cancelled” “what if I’m a monster” I feel bad that I’m worried about getting arrested because my brain makes me think “you only care about yourself” I feel so horrible and constantly do compulsions like googling, checking social media, ruminating on the situation, trying to go over every detail. I have also noticed that so many false memories pop up when I think about it too much, they feel so real it makes me feel sick. I feel horrible, does anyone have any advice or have experienced anything similar ?

I have obsessive thoughts 24 /7 . The anxiety is high all the time and I get knew thoughts and false memories to obsess about and I’m tired because it don’t stop . I feel like it’s never gonna end .

Honestly this is triggered by the fact I remember I had this little fascination with someone who was I think in one grade below me in highschool. (Mind you if I was born one month later I would’ve been in the same class as them) and now that I did have a seemingly little fancy for them now all of a sudden I am a predator who was searching for freshman…. 💀 They weren’t a freshman (my logical side says) but my brain has taken the what if and made it sick and gross… I think I do remember even saying that it’ll be sad that they’ll have to wait another school semester till we’d ever see each other again in college…. So why is my brain insisting they are a freshmen??? I specifically remember being a junior before, having a freshmen come onto me and the moment I found out i immediately cut them off (I have my own worries about that real event too…) So why does my brain tell me I was seeking that out???

Im so depressed... and I feel alone... theres no hope... My pocd keeps saying that my worst fear of unknowingly cybering with a minor has actually happened and it's really triggering the hell out of me... I feel so horrible...My pocd keeps saying I "unknowingly erotically role played with a minor" when idek if this actually happened or not... this was nearly three years ago... (september of 2021) for context we were erotically role playing on an 18+ discord server, (she wasnt verified, but I assumed she was 18+ because we were on an 18+ place) and then she suddenly stopped responding, before leaving the server shortly after an unknown time... im so freaking anxious and scared... her grammar was fine at first, but then as we were going on, she kept making errors like "boxer" or "then" instead of "than"... my pocd keeps saying that I "UNKNOWINGLY EROTICALLY ROLEPLAYED WITH A MINOR" when idek if this happened or not... some people told me she sounds like/is a young adult... chatGPT tells me she sounded like a teenager... I genuinely dont know what to believe anymore... (these two photos are from her account, and the beginning of our ERP... I hope she wasnt a teenager... I really hope she wasnt...)

Do any of you mix up dates and sometimes find that you stress if you did something whilst in a relationship which would result in you being a cheater I remember something from 6 years ago but my brain is saying it was 5 years ago or potentially overlapping when i met my now boyfriend but its not true, im sure of it - but the ocd wont let me be sure…. Hate this!! Anyone relate?

I think im on my lowest ever i have been. I started a new OCD theme (schizo OCD) in the begining of July and it went downhill from that moment. Its all over the place every second of the day. I cant stop thinking and feeling things. For example I think that I will hallucinate any second now, and from those thoughts I imagine in my head illusions and I get sooo scared. For example I imagine that someone is standing in my room and I get scared that yep, this is schizophrenia and I get scared. I know that my thoughts and visual illusions are not real, but it drives me crazy. I also developed derealisation/depersonalisation. I cant look in the mirror, I cant do basic stuff like washing the dishes or talking to a friend without thinking some stupid things. I have constantly that burning/tingeling sensation in my chest from fear and stress, because I am so scared all the time, I would say even paranoid. I see the world so much different now, and I have the feeling like I will loose my mind any second. I have panic attacks every day, sometimes multiple times, because Im scared. I have a new job coming up and me and my boyfriend are buying an apartment, and those are so exciting news and moments ahead of us, but I am constantly scared that I will loose my mind, I wont get better and I will not have those things, because I will be in a white room locked up. Im really tired of this, I look at pictures from June when everything was fine and I burst into tears, that I will never be the same and it scares me so much. On top of all of this I am on my 4th meds, because the first three gave me bad side effects (high prolactin levels) and I am a hypocondriac and I am dealing with that fear also, that I am on new meds all the time. I know I just have to trust the process, but its so exhausting. Anyway, I do really hope that someone knows how I feel and would be kind to say some kind words, because no one around me knows what to say :(

im so anxious and i want to cry so bad, im so afraid i might have cheated on my lover but i don't even remember if i actually did it. i remember making suggestive jokes ( for my gf it's not cheating unless it's a blatant flirty joke ) to my friend but I don't remember my intentions and there's no way for me to remember what i thought while i was saying a stupid joke YEARS ago. i love them more than anything i don't want to have hurt her but there's no way for me to know that im actually a good partner. im so tired and scared i hate this illness so much I'm miserable. I want to cry but i cant

I don't feel like my real event ocd is actually normal. people don't just make mistakes or do stuff like that as a child. and I feel guilty and shameful because it's awful. how is that ocd and not just terrible and criminal. and the fact that I can't remember if I actually did something just as bad or something similar when I got older is insane. like why would I have done it again if I'm not a bad person? it feels like i might actually remember it and there's no way of knowing. it's gross and disgusting and criminal!!! how would I ever tell a therapist about those actions and expect them to not be weired out, concerned, and inclined to tell me same things that I'm thinking which is that I shouldn't be alive or I belong locked up for what I did. having ocd doesn't excuse my past mistakes, child or not. especially when I'm unsure if something happened again when I was an older teen and would have known better. and how do I live on and the people in my life don't know these mistakes. they wouldn't want to know me if they knew what I did so am I lying to them by omitting the awful things about myself??