Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Is it normal for someone to end up questioning their wants when they have vivid harm thoughts?

TW for emotional abuse My ex partner was verbally and emotionally abusive. It’s taken a long time for me to admit that to myself, and I still sometimes struggle with feeling like it “wasn’t that bad” even though it still deeply affects me two years later. I’m in a relationship now with the sweetest guy in the world. He communicates well, we agree on almost everything and we resolve conflicts respectfully. We have a near-perfect relationship… and it freaks me out. My current OCD theme is the fear that I am unknowingly abusing my boyfriend the way my ex abused me. I’m terrified that I’m actually an awful person and I deserve to be alone forever. Sometimes I think about just ghosting all of the people I’m closest to because I feel like staying in their lives is going to inevitably lead to me hurting them. The worst part is I feel like expressing any of this to my loved ones is ALSO an act that is hurting them. My main compulsions are rumination, googling things and other types of reassurance seeking. Has anybody else dealt with this specific theme? I feel like it would qualify as some combination of ROCD and HOCD, but I’ve never been able to find any resources about the fear of being abusive. If anyone has had this as a theme, how did you go about treating it?

So, I’m absolutely done for. It’s 2am and I just scratched my back/butt and I felt something, it felt like how dried sweat can feel like little packets of water or something. So I just had to scratch it to hell till the skin felt normal. Then, I just had to smell my fingers cuz I needed to know what it smelt like and it smelt weird ish, but then I was like now I got to look at it. So I’m trying not to blind my partner or wake him. And I see this bloody looking sight. It’s freaking ring worm at least I truly believe so after my thorough search. I couldn’t handle the thought and I didn’t know how to handle ringworm. My friend got it way back in elementary school and it looked rough. So in a panicked state I get up and stop petting my cat, which good lord. I scurry to the kitchen to then wash my hands, which I’m so glad I did. Then, I proceeded to attempt to take a picture to google search it through my camera, which is embarrassing bc it’s me bum. And it’s like could be exema which I do kinda have but it only shows up on my finger really. Or it’s definitely ringworm. And it’s round and it’s prolly bc I’ve been having night sweats, but jeez I still shower. It makes me feel gross, but also GrEaT because now I don’t know how I’m even gonna sleep. How many areas of my body did I touch? How many things might I have touched, is my boyfriend gonna get it now, like it’s a lisssst. And now I’m tryna figure out how do I sleep with this, and like the best thing to do is to not wear tight clothing or bandage the sight bc it could make it way worse. On top of everything there’s no way I could see a doctor bc I’m traumatized, and so I really hope some topical medication and stuff is gonna get me thru this. I’ll be praying like a mad man for God to help me cuz I really don’t do well with something like this. It’s contagious man. And all of this has to happen at 2 am bc I couldn’t sleep. I’m so done for. Like all I can do is laugh bc that’s all I can do man otherwise it’s full meltdown and it’s 2am and everyone is asleep in the house. I have no one to talk to about it and I’m low key still freaking out. So, ig I’m gonna sit somewhere and watch Hulu and YouTube till I figure something out or some safe way to sleep. Like I really don’t want to spread it. I guess I could whip out clean sheets and sleep on the leather couch and pray. Oh jeez, if anyone’s out there pls pray for my peace of mind. This is tough and btw I’m on my period too so hormones. This really sucks. Idk I hope this made someone laugh a little. Ig it’s not really funny but it just seems so funny to me at the same time. The whole adventure to finding out what was on my bum. This is just like the worst. And I swear if I passed it to my cat… or got it from her?! I hope she doesn’t have it, guess it’s vet time. Which is what sucks too like am I overthinking everything? But it said you can get it from animals and normally it’ll look like a missing patch of hair, which! I noticed after her last vet visit (she’s a kitten) and I thought maybe they just shaved her down or something, but honestly the hair hasn’t really come back. Dear goodness folks.

I have harm ocd and my friend has been self harming and I want to be there for them but I am not sure how to. Any advice?

Does anyone else experience feeling of dread or just wanting to quit life and give up. I notice I get like this after intrusive thoughts. Last night I had a bad one. I was up until 3am I couldn’t sleep because I was obsessing over the thought. I have harm OCD and it makes me fear that I could harm my husband. It’s awful he’s the best thing in my world and I just want all of this to stop😭😭 How do you guys deal with feelings like these. Do you experience dread? Also is night time worst for you?

hey, i saw this on tiktok and i’ve been struggling really bad my whole life. i’ve never been diagnosed but im too scared that people will tell me im being dramatic or im making it up to get help. i think it started when i was in 1st or 2nd grade, i would come home everyday and confess things to my mom. like not taking my usual routes in the hallways and not returning a pencil to anyone. i dont know why it has to be her but i still do this. it’s like she’s my only comfort person and sometimes it feels like im just bothering her with it. i dont know who to talk to or what to do to fix it. everyone has told me that getting on medicine will only make it worse because if i come off of it it will be a whole lot worse. as i got older, it kind of left me for a while until earlier this year. i’ve always been told that having an extreme conscience was a good thing, but this feels awful. i turned to God which i still believe it but i don’t think it was the right way. i was overly paranoid that the end times were coming so much that i couldn’t do my daily routines. my sister has 2 babies and when i turned to Jesus it was also because i was having insane intrusive and embarrassing of doing horrible things to them. i didn’t even know who i was. i love both of those babies like they’re my own, i constantly come over to see them, bring gifts, etc and i could never intentionally hurt them but when i have these thoughts it’s like seeing yourself in a different perspective. when i signed up for this app a few minutes ago i think it said that was POCD. i would never do anything to hurt anyone, ive always been a very gentle and caring person so it’s kind of hard to argue with yourself. i was also at the time hitting an extreme point of paranoia about my health, constantly obsessing over everything because i thought i was dying. it left me again for a few months but now it’s back and i don’t know what else to do. i don’t know if this is ocd or if im straight out just a terrible person. any advice, comments, or anything is welcome!

This is my first post on this forum and I want to share my experience with OCD so far. I was diagnosed with OCD, specifically Harm OCD about 2 months ago. However, my OCD reached new heights at the beginning of 2023. My OCD began to manifest as extreme anxiety about my health, specifically my appendix and my heart. I was obsessed with a “made up” pain in my stomach and I constantly pushed on my stomach to the point that I bruised it. I ended up going to the hospital, spending thousands of dollars just for a doctor to tell me everything was fine. 15 minutes after leaving the hospital, the reassurance was gone and I was still worried. As that obsession fizzled out, I began to obsess over my heart and I had terrible panic attacks to the point that I could not breathe, I had physical pain in my chest, tightness, and pain in my left arm. I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Back to the hospital… and guess what? Thousands spent and the doctor said nothing was wrong. So I went and started doing traditional talk therapy and I did not follow the guidance and sort of faked my way through therapy and then my OCD reached an all new height and ventured into a very dark place: Harm OCD. It started while I was laying in bed and the thought was harm yourself, there were many ways that popped into my head constantly and I had to wake up my Dad to have a talk and get a plan. We scheduled an appointment for my therapist and at this point ultimately ended up scheduling with an OCD therapist. Shortly after the self harm ocd spiked, my ocd began changing themes to harming others. It seems ways to harm will just pop in, regardless of a trigger, and I started Zoloft which has calmed my anxiety and panic attacks, but I feel so numb it’s terrifying. Has anyone ever questioned their wants when dealing with with vivid harm thoughts that don’t go away? Do you question if these thoughts really bother you?

Months ago I made a mistake at work and I havent brought it up. Im a grad student and part of my work is in the lab. I took some things out of the lab and into a different lab where there's more potential for cross contamination and I'm worried I may have contaminated them and someones lab work will be messed up but because I didn't say anything they'll never know. I feel like I need to announce what happened but it's been months, and I dont actually know if I did contaminate anything and Im embarrassed so I'd rather not. But it keeps popping up and haunting me. I know my OCD is at play right now, I'm not sure if this is a real fear or not...but I also think what I did was wrong, like there's a pretty common protocol to not take that stuff out of the lab, I just didn't think about it at the time. I could tell my advisor on Wednesday and see what she thinks I guess, but in the meantime I'm feeling consumed with guilt and it's hard to work. I know this is possibly an urge to confess so maybe it's good for me to wait? Any thoughts??

Do you guys have certain shows/situations that are triggering to your OCD? Like for example since my brain has convinced me of thinking inappropriate things about children/babies, any shows I watch I get really uncomfortable when seeing kids and babies which makes me really upset. Also being around people or out in public and seeing kids or babies my OCD gets really bad. Does this happen to other people??

Additional trigger warning topics of self harm I struggle with self harm. When I opened up to someone about my struggle with it they told me that my scars were so bad and that my future husband would have to see them. It hurt me really bad. I’m working on stopping and am in therapy to stop doing it. I’m honestly trying so hard. I’m now just afraid that because I have scars that look “bad” no one will love me. That was my best friend at the time who said those things abt my scars. Now I feel unlovable. My ocd tells me that I’m gonna die alone, and that no one will ever love me.

Okay, so to spare you the DISGUSTING details, I won't go into symptom details here. Context: After being on prescribed Adderall 30mg to treat ADHD while I finish my final year in university, I had to go to the ER a couple times because I got very panicky. Essentially, the doctors and emergency psychiatrist said I'm experiencing dopamine toxicity as a result of Adderall, which can cause extremely uncomfortable, delusional hallucinations. I've never gone through something this terrifying before and I don't know how to manage myself at home. It's making my sleep terrible, which only makes the physical sensations worse. I am okay with accepting that it's a temporary thing and that it's just based on my perception of the feelings I've been experiencing for the past 4.5 months. I thought it was "just my OCD symptoms coming back with a vengeance" as I used mindfulness to help with fear and reassurance in the past. However, I've noticed a longstanding trend of paranoia and that reassurance does not seem to help me often these days. My thoughts seem to loop between some form of "can't trust myself," "can't trust the world," and "everything feels unsafe." It's affected my sleep (demons/ghosts/intruders/death/bugs/etc), my ability to walk outside (ie. Storms/lightning), my ability to eat (ie. Contaminated water/food/etc). It seems to always relate back to something hurting me, and I have done CBT enough to understand that I don't need to give power to the thoughts, nor do I need to let thoughts or emotions control my behaviours. But HOW THE F**K DO I GET OVER THIS!!!! It ruined the last 12 weeks of school. I could literally only submit 2 assignments and had to get an illness form which essentially rendered me incapable. I am a huge people pleaser and I am extremely self-critical. I just want to feel normal, and I know that I can't continue trying to use Lysol wipes to clean my back, or challenge the doctor when he says antipsychotics are the quickest solution. Like I'm CHOOSING the harder route by making myself learn to trust myself, even when it feels like I can't trust my senses. I'm at a complete loss for what to do at this point and I have a lot of exciting opportunities coming up in January. I can't continue feeling like I'm going insane slowly... I KNOW I will get through this, logically. I just don't know what to do when reassurance doesn't work. It's like no matter what the doctors say, I just feel stuck on these thoughts that I know are false. Any thoughts?? 😕 Thank you for reading if so. This is my first post here, I apologize for how long it is and I appreciate your time and/or literally ANY words of advice/support ❤

Today it feels real. I have my online boyfriend my current boyfriend who is perfect and right for me that I want to meet and marry soon. I'm tired of these ex thoughts. I don't want to be with my ex or do anything with my ex. I moved on and I'm happy being with my current boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I feel like a traitor and a cheater. Why is this happening why does it feel real. I'm hurt having these ex thoughts while being with my boyfriend. I'm tired of having to fight these ex thoughts time and time again. I love my current boyfriend I would never be with my ex or do anything that involves with my ex. I don't wanna lose my boyfriend. I'm trying everything I can to prove these thoughts that I don't want my ex. I'm hurt I'm lost. I'm this close to even ending my life because I keep having these ex thoughts while calling my boyfriend. I don't wanna view or think of my ex. I wanna think of my boyfriend. I'm scared. I'm tired. I don't wanna lose my boyfriend I don't wanna keep contuining this cycle. I want these ex thoughts to stop once in for all and let me be happy again with my current perfect boyfriend.

Hi everyone, so I’m way new to this kind of thing but I figured it might help to find more people that I can relate to as far as this part of my life goes. I will put a trigger warning for certain language regarding illness, violence, SH, COVID and obviously OCD. I was recently diagnosed with OCD, not really a specific kind just mixed obsessions and compulsions. Even so, I’ve known for a while that I might have OCD, my family did as well. I started having problems when I was about 11 when my whole family got sick with a virus, since then my whole life revolves around this disorder. Where to begin, I guess I’ll start with my fears, I think the better question would be; what don’t I fear, but my main fear would be illness. I know that this is usually linked with contamination OCD and that I deal with that kind of OCD the worst. I’m terrified of getting sick, specifically regarding illness that affects the gastrointestinal system but any sickness is scary. Since I was 11, I’ve had this crippling fear that controls my school life, work life, my diet, my friendships, relationships, my home life, the medicine I will take and treatments I will allow, and overall, my happiness. On top of having OCD I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), I believe that both of these, although having a genetic factor, are severely worsened by my OCD. Things only got worse when COVID happened. It was like the world was ending and honestly I wish it had because that would’ve been easier. My fear was solidified during those years. On top of not wanting to interact with anyone, I lost someone very important to me from complications due to COVID. I miss this person greatly, and going through that grief was immense putting my fear at its peek. With that being said, I also deal with intrusive thoughts that are violent in nature, sometimes to others, mostly to myself. Those thoughts can be anywhere from hatred, disgust, anger, and just straight violence. I have lots of shame surrounding the intrusive thoughts I have because it’s hard for me to recognize that those thoughts aren’t a reflection of my real feelings of others or myself. I also have a hard time in relationships, including friendships, because I constantly question my feelings toward that person, not knowing how to differentiate between the intrusive thoughts I have about them and the actual feelings I have for them. During this time, I’m growing and learning new things about myself, exploring my sexuality and gender as well and becoming who am I today. I’m 18 now and a senior in high school and I feel like I’ve missed so much of my teenage years hiding from the world in fear. In person schools are hell for me, when I go I’m constantly on edge, overwhelmed with the fear of sickness and people and even just breathing the air that the other students breathe. Being there makes it so hard to learn, think, or complete assignments and because of this, my education looks a lot different from most. I’m in an online school, it’s still a public school but online. This school has been a positive experience for the most part, I can learn and get good grades that I couldn’t before, it also gives me a sense of independence and control of my education. However, it also means I miss out on a lot of things. My school does hold a prom and graduation for students but I have no friends at this school because most people aren’t here to socialize but to get an education and move on. So, I’ve never been to a prom, my only friend lives in a different state than me, I don’t experience parties or sneaking out or relationships outside of the non-serious ones I had in middle school, overall, this disorder has made me very lonely. My parents are amazing, they truly do their best to accommodate to me but they will never understand the extent of what I go through. I never want them to fully understand what it’s like to have OCD the way I do. I wouldn’t wish this disorder on anyone. They have gotten me doctors that want to help me and a great therapist but I still struggle. I will say in recent months I’ve been making some progress however there are still bad days. I understand that this disorder is for life but I hope that one day I can live in spite of it. I often think back to a time where life was so much more enjoyable because I wasn’t constantly anxious. I miss a time where I was living instead of surviving. I hope that this app can do me some good, I’m an adult now and I want to change how I’m living. I want to find more independence and happiness and most importantly, peace of mind that everything will end up okay. Now, this is only a summary of my story but I hope that if you got this far you understand that you aren’t alone in this. We aren’t alone. - Jay (he/him)

Hello, My name is Dana, I’m new to this app but I’ve been suffering from harm OCD for quite some time now and it’s been extremely debilitating. I’ve never experienced anything like this EVER in my life. It started at the beginning of this year, I got hit like a runaway train with intrusive thoughts and it shook me to my core. I wanted to see if anyone on here has struggled or is currently struggling with harm OCD and could maybe share their stories? It would just be nice to feel less alone and maybe share what has worked/not worked. All I want to do is overcome this! Thanks in advance to all who respond.

I have been struggling with pure ocd symptoms for years, constantly fighting with myself and ruining relationships because of things that aren’t real. I’m not physically strong and I’m introverted and quiet, yet I constantly have intrusive thoughts about hurting my friends and family. I’ve had sexual images pop into my head or my dreams about every person, relative, animal that I’ve ever known. At 14 I had my first sleepover, where I locked myself in the bathroom all night because I thought I’d hurt my friend in her sleep. It didn’t help that I didn’t understand I was gay and that liking her was normal. I thought I was sick and twisted. At 21 I did the same thing, I was dating a girl and at her birthday party we shared a room for the first time. Even though we slept on different sofas, I still didn’t trust myself so I stayed awake all night. At 22 I went to a tattoo place and a massive storm happened, where all the roads closed due to crashes everywhere, so I couldn’t get a taxi home. My tattoo artist let me stay on his sofa. For the next few weeks I had intrusive thoughts that we’d had sex, or that he had watched me sleep and done things to himself at the same time. At 22 I slept with someone I thought was out of my league. I convinced myself for weeks that I never got consent even though I did. At 23 I was home for Christmas and had to share a bed with my little sister. I begged my parents to let me have the sofa to myself. I’d been having multiple pocd intrusions for a couple of months. At 24 I’m in my first relationship and I still continue to have these nightmares about everyone I know. It makes me feel like I’ve been unfaithful. My partner doesn’t trust me either. She wakes up and tells me she’s had dreams of me cheating on her, whilst i did indeed, have dreams about cheating on her. After drinking heavily one night I blacked out, and convinced myself I’d cheated through false memories. Cheating is the worst thing in the world to me so why would I do it.

Why do I have the urge to off myself when having ocd thoughts? But I dont want to die.

hey everyone! so i'm not sure what to post so i guess i'll just post what i'm going through, i hope someone sees this who understands. i feel really alone. ‼️⚠️TW⚠️‼️- thanatophobia, intrusive thoughts, harm OCD, religious OCD, existential dread/crisis/questions GENERAL INFORMATION so i'm 15F, just got into high school. i've always had thanatophobia (extreme fear of d3ath and the process), but as of recent it's gotten terrible. it's all i think about. my intrusive thoughts are usually related to it, and sometimes i think that "oh i know it's going to happen soon! it's going to happen today!" and i'll believe it and freak out for the rest of the day. my parents have been telling me that there isn't a point in worrying, but i'd argue against that. it's not like i chose this, it's not like i want to be worried. it just happens, i cannot control it no matter what i do. the idea of not being on earth frightens me, like for example: i cannot stand thinking about the moon landing and stuff because those people aren't on earth. i like it here, no matter how messed up it is, it's all i know. and many people understand that thought process. earth is my home, it brings me everything i need. it feeds me, lets me sleep, brings me air, gives me water, it's nature surrounds me in comforting light. the earth is my home, i love her, and she loves me. i don't want to leave her, because she's the only thing i know. RELIGIOUS BACKGROUND. im a christian, however i guess i would say i don't associate with that title due to the fact christian's tend to not really be what they say they are. i'm a christ follower, and i believe he died and rose again. people tell me heaven is beautiful, that it's the best place ever. and while yes it's a good place, it's also terrifying getting there. and i often freak myself out asking myself questions of "what does it look like? does it feel like a dream? is it physical?" so many things in my head. people tell me to read NDE's, but those only make me more anxious. EXISTENTIAL PROBLEMS so my existence has been hard to think about. i often think about how cruel death is, how it's so hard being alive because you are taunted with death. you build things just for it to all break down. and that's something i struggle with greatly. i look around and think to myself "wow, these are things i love, but in the end they don't matter do they?" and that isn't too comforting. being around friends hurts too, because i can't just enjoy myself. existence is such an insane thing, and how one can exist and then not. that's terrifying!! LIFE STRUGGLES i struggle to take care of myself, i won't shower for a couple days nor brush my teeth because i really can't bring myself to get out of bed. i also don't go outside a lot, due to the fear of getting into an accident. i struggle to join into social activities because my brain is always busy with worrying rather than enjoying the moment. i cant relax when i'm out of the house because of the what ifs that play in my head. i don't feel safe when i'm not home, and that's a problem because if i don't leave the house then i'm not getting sunshine which, by the way, helps mental health a LOT. i kinda threw myself into a pickle. anywho, i really just need someone who understands. who gets what i'm going through, who saw this and maybe thought "hey, that sounds like what i am/i was going through!" and could maybe tell me their story and what they did. i feel so alone. and so helpless. thank you if you read through all of this, much love to you 🫶🫶

Hi everyone, I want to talk about something kinda personal because I don’t really get to talk to my family about my life without being judge. So I have had anxiety/OCD and more since I was a kid. I have some terrible thoughts, including about the dead and etc. anyways I feel like I was neglected as a kid and a young teen but I don’t want to put false blame on my parents. I just need to know. Ever since I was a kid I’ve felt different, I’ve had these terrible thoughts and feelings that I wasn’t enough. My sibilants would always tell me to stop crying, shut up, call me names and hurt me. I always thought it was just a sibilimg thing until we got older and they still bask my mental health and hurt me. For example my sister and I worked at the same place together and people there didn’t like me . And all I did was kept to myself. Well my sister threw it in my face all the names I was called and it hurt a lot. My siblings don’t know about my ocd bc when I shared it back in 2021, they laughed at me and told me to stfu. There’s moments where they are nice, but more where they judge and hurt me. Nobody in my family seemed to care for me until I was on the verge of killing myself a few years ago. I’ve always gotten my basic needs from my parents, but I can always feel the difference in how my mom and dad talk me to my other siblings than me. My mom calls me names and my dad just recently stopped only bc he was having bad anxiety (when it’s in his favor). My mom always screams at me about money and getting my dog outside and my dog being bad ig. But no matter what I cannot catch a break. I am told my parents feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” around me because I’m so sensitive, and my siblings have kids and made a comment if their kids were ever like me they would “nip that in the ass”, to stop them young. I kinda just sit there and take this all. Always have. I always stick up for my siblings and help them. But when it comes to me they don’t care. Same with my parents. My mom tells me to not tell her what I’m going through bc it’s gotten old. Can anyone help me? Help me understand. Is this neglect? Like is this why I always feel hurt and just not good enough. They make me feel like the black sheep.

Has anyone read the story about the off duty pilot that tried to shut down the plane’s engine mid flight? He was apparently a good guy who would never intentionally do something like that, but he had a “mental breakdown” and thought he was in a dream and didn’t realize what he was doing. He also claimed he was having a panic attack right before his actions. He’s now in jail and his life seems ruined. This has really triggered my harm OCD because it feels like it goes against everything we learn in treatment about intrusive thoughts and are ability to not act on them. I often get panic attacks on flights and have deep fears about opening the emergency exit or causing a scene on the plane. I was at a point where I felt confident I would never act on these thoughts because they go against everything I would ever want to do and would be completely out of character for me. But this story is undoing all of the progress I’ve made in that area.