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I feel like dying right now

tw dark intrusive thoughts. if you saw my last post, (ok if you didn't) i talked about my contamination ocd tied to ptsd trauma of dogs. I don't know if what im about to talk about is a compulsion, but its related. And my mom tells me, that she thinks I have compulsions related to needing to talk to people about things. so i really can't stand dogs. looking at them makes me sick, triggers memories. saying the word "dog" makes me start thinking about them in a loop that i really struggle to break/can't purposely break myself. i have a lot of pain and anger revolving around dogs 😢 it feels like people have always tried to force me to like dogs. me saying "i don't like dogs." was never enough, no one would respect it, always trying to fix me and make me like dogs. (which i know it stems from trauma and so yes could/should be resolved, but i want to do it on my terms. i want me saying "i dont like dogs." to be enough and to be respected for my opinion.) again, im angry. it used to just be a fear, but now it is dark hatred. i think of my trauma; i think of people trying to force me to like and interact with dogs; i think of asking my family to please get rid of the dog for my mental and physical sake, that it was me or the dog, and they chose the dog; of when i cried my heart out to random strangers about that last thing, and they said i was selfish and they'd chose a dog over me too. im angry and hurt and don't feel like i can be healed or fixed. and ky ocd and intrusive thoughts make it worse. i used to have nightmares about dogs eating and murdering me, as i grew up i learned how to take control of the dreams and I'd kill the dogs before they could get to me. that bled into the real world mixed woth my hatred, and i cant tell if its really intrudtive thoughts or not for sure, but i think a lot about how much i want to murder dogs. whenever i see one, my first thought is "i want to kill it." a dog passed me and in a daydream im pulling out a knife and stabbing it before it gets me. when i meet up with my family all i can think about is that dog, and how much i want to push it into the road snd watch it bleed. i cannot escape dogs, they are everywhere. i became a recluse so i would limit my time seeing them in the world, only going out on rare occasions. but dogs are still everywhere on the internet. blocking tags and words doesn't work. All it takes is one TikTok ad, Amazon not loaded, and it shows me a picture of a dog and i get filled with so much pain and thoughts about how i wish i could kill every dog on this earth. and again again, im angry that people wont just accept me. i say "i dont like dogs" or "im afraid of dogs." and they tell me im a werido. and it makes me so mad and fills me with a want to tell them my real thoughts. how i constantly dream of killing dogs. they think im weird, well wait till they hear the rest. prople talking about their dogs, sharing pictures. it fills me with a want to just confess. i so deeply feel the want to tell people how much i want to kill dogs. i can't tell if i really want to kil them or not anymore. i wouldn't, but i think i do want it maybe. not to kill them, but for them to all die. i feel like i have a compulsion about telling people about my hatred of dogs. I can't stand to see them happily tallking about dogs, acting like "oh everyone loves dogs, there isn't a soul that would hate them or fear them." i want to feel seen. even if it leaves people thinking im a monster or a weirdo. i just hate people assuming automatically, that everyone and anyone loves dogs. what i really want is just a place where im free from the dogs. that i can have a happy life without all this fear, hatred, snd distress. people like me, who understand not liking dogs. so yeah this mostly turned into just a vent, i dont really remember what advice i was looking for. maybe if you think my need to tell people i hate and want to murder dogs is a compulsion, and or is you have any ideas of what i can do when i feel like this. thanks

I'm a 16 Y/O male who always had anxiety and panic attacks. Recently my anxiety went up terribly with a fear of having a brain tumor or having an aneurysm. One night this terrible thought came into my head about killing my family and how simple it would be and it scared me to death. This feeling went through my body and I kept thinking "what's stopping me" | don't think I want it but what if I do? What if one day I get so angry and snap? I feel like l'd rather take my own life before someone else's but what if that won't be the case later on? I've tried meds before but eventually just never took them. I'm not sure if I should take them again or if they'll make me even more insane. I feel like my brain won't be able to control its self someday. I don't want to feel like this anymore but I really can't stop it. I live in such a small town with not much "therapy" that's face to face. Most of it is online. I want to be okay. Can someone please PLEASE help me.

Is it OCD or something else with wanting to hurt someone but not in a gruesome way but just like I really want to trip this person kind of thing

I keep ruminating over this one thought and imagining it on purpose to test myself and I get this really bad image the thought is really bad about ripping someone’s tongue out i don’t know why the hell I started thinking about that and it’s about someone I care about and an image pops in my head today of blood around their mouth and their face looking like their in pain and I got this weird feeling I don’t know how to explain it but it makes me feel like I ‘liked’ seeing that image and I don’t know if it’s adrenaline or what the hell it is because this has happened before where I get this weird thing where it feels like I enjoy or like something in my harm thoughts and I don’t know what it is the only thing I know is I obviously am concerned because I know I don’t want to ‘like’ that but at the same time I don’t believe I don’t like it because of this weird feeling and I keep thinking what if it’s some thing where I’m secretly enjoying horrible thoughts and I’m trying to deny it or cover that feeling that’s why I feel so confused? And if It was anxiety why do I not feel negatively or at least I think I don’t feel anything negative or when that feeling comes it doesn’t feel as thought it’s a bad feeling like as if it’s good or something ? I heard someone that apparently the feeling of excitement and the feeling of adrenaline can feel the same so maybe I’m getting Adrenaline from the thought because it’s alarming me but and I’m confusing it for feeling happy or excitement/enjoying? But if I was having adrenaline or feeling anxious wouldn’t I be feeling bad and it would be an extreme feeling?? Idk but I’ve almost become desensitised to these thoughts and it’s just made things worse at least when I use to feel anxious I knew I didn’t like them now it feels like I can imagine bad thoughts on purpose in detail and am not bothered by it and I literally go out of my way to think of them and sometimes I’m worried I’m not doing it to test myself and It feels like I’m jsut imagining something horrible but idk if that’s the ‘obsession’ part of ocd coming in but I have had no professional help for this and I’ve had ocd for like 2 years now I don’t know I’m worried as well that someone can ‘become bad’ because someone on this app said they think it’s possible you can ‘become your fears’ and then I started thinking what it I’ve taken a liking or started liking these bad things because I’ve thought of them so much and keep trying to test myself by imaging them? I literally feel like I don’t feel anything negative and like I don’t feel worried or bad or guilty about thinking these things like as if I don’t know what im feeling anymore I don’t know how to deal with this

I was out grocery shopping and I got a thought that I could easily hurt everyone in here and now my head can’t stop thinking about it, I fell down the rabbit hole of mass shootings and now I’m stuck and scared. I wake up everyday scared I’m becoming a bad person.

What happened yesterday, i posted before that we got sick, now we know we got food poisoned, but we feel better, however my experience and the memories that came back makes me really uncomfortable. I got the memories when i had really bad mental health problems and i got attacked by suicidal thoughts, and i was panicking and felt depressed and like i need people to feel safe, and all these feelings and thoughts came back. Always said i had suicidal ocd but this one felt like if i couldnt have someone maybe i could lose my mind and act on the thoughts cause i was really desperate. But now im only spinning about why do i had that, does it mean im actually suicidal in hard times, and it actually makes me sick in my stomach, i feel really bad about it. One thing that makes me feel good that im so open about it and that might mean that its just ocd, but also i read posts on reddid where people shared their original suicidal experiences and those people are open too and they feel shame about the thoughts too, so it doesnt gives me the feeling that its clear that mine is just ocd... alot of times it comes up when im having a really hard time and i feel like that means something...

i’m just getting over a pretty bad anxiety attack. it also started when i was making food and a wave of nausea hit me which of course sent me into a spiral. however i started thinking about how i’ve really neglected actually trying to work through my fear and thoughts over getting sick. because i’m so hyperfocused on getting my harm thoughts to diminish and be gone, i haven’t been doing the same for my contamination. i’ve pretty much diagnosed myself with emetophobia. and i know that’s so unhealthy to do especially as someone who’s not diagnosed with anything, but there’s absolutely no way in hell that i don’t have it. i cannot remember a time where being sick wasn’t on the forefront of my mind. and i do physical compulsions for it, but i never really thought i had intrusive thoughts over it. but when this (and past plural) anxiety attack was happening, my mind was telling me “if you just get sick, you won’t have to worry about it?”. then i took a zofran and am having thoughts of “the nausea will come back and you’ll get sick”. my heart is pounding just thinking about it. over the summer when my harm thoughts got extreme, my emetophobia essentially became a backseat thought. where it was still there but i wasn’t that worried over it. and i wished for it to come back but now that it’s here, i would do anything for it to be gone. i’m so back and forth because at least this anxiety is (mostly) keeping me from getting sick as i do anything and everything i can to prevent it. anyways, i’m so sorry this was so long but i had a lot on my mind that i needed to talk about. so much love to y’all 🫶🏻

This disorder has nearly ended my life. Not even 1 hour ago i tried walking into a sea and wanting to end it because of this ocd and the loneliness that comes with it. For anyone out there you are not alone and always know that you have people out there who are by your side.

Do you cope with genuine hopelessness? Deep down I am convinced this will never get better. I think about suicide a lot, but that would hurt my family. But even being alive is hurting them because I cannot stop the mental breakdowns. I also cannot afford therapy. But it's the hopelessness. I feel that suicide is inevitable because I cannot live with this. I cannot stop self harm and I have a mental breakdown almost every week and often multiple times a week. The self harm is giving me brain damage. I literally have no hope. None.

Anyone scared of being depressed? I have harm ocd and I’m so scared that being depressed will lead me to harm myself or others even though I don’t want to and would never want to. I’m so scared that I’ll stop caring and become one of those people who hurt others. I tell myself I would never do something like that but it’s like I don’t believe it.

Right as I’m starting to feel happy again I get hit with what feels like intrusive feelings… sometimes of sadness or anger which then triggers my intrusive harm thoughts. Not sure if this is a mood disorder or just ocd. They don’t feel like what my true feelings should feel like if that makes sense.. ugh the feelings are harder to deal with than the thoughts. Trying to lean into them but it’s hard.

Yesterday my in laws said I could hold my nephew and my head said what if you throw the baby I hate OCD :( I would never harm a baby

So, I really need to talk to someone, because I'm beginning to believe that this isn't OCD anymore. Anytime I'm reminded that my intrusive thoughts or feelings are apart of a disorder, I feel sad or disappointed because it feels like there's a part of me actually wanting to act on my thoughts. Anytime I look for reassurance of any kind, it feels like I'm trying to defend my thoughts. Anytime someone tries to tell me that it's OCD or that, "I am not my thoughts." I become upset or sad. Can someone please explain to me what is going on? Is it possible for there to be an intrusive feeling on top of an intrusive feeling?

I remember before when I went through a phase of having really gory messed up intrusive thoughts it felt like I ‘liked them’ or like an ‘urge’ but I still knew I didn’t want that and I felt stressed out having it and now it’s been a long while and the themes come back but I literally feel nothing I’m desensitised and it feels like I actually like it and I’m not anxious or anything and I can imagine really horrible thoughts Literally on purpose I’m imagining them because I use to test myself by imagining thoguhts to see if I ‘like it’ or if I get anxious but now it feels like I jsut start imagining really messed up gory thoughts I got triggered when it remembered soemthing soemone told me a killer did and then I started having this and now everyday it feels like I am one and that I like it and it doesn’t even feel like I don’t want to be or that I hate this it and sometimes it feels like I like the thoughts or want that or as if I’m ‘enjoying’ the thoughts or want to do that and I don’t know what to do I wasn’t like this before and now I’m thinking what if after imagining yhe thoguhts now I’ve taken a liking and want to do that, it’s coming to me really strongly sometimes that I want to do or like/enjoy these really sick things and I keep letting myself imagine them and I don’t know why it doesn’t even feel like I’m testing myself it’s as if I’m just letting my mind wander thinking about sick things and then feeling like I am like that or want that, or I had this thing where I kept worrying because I had an intrusive thoguht about stabbing and then it felt like I knew what it felt like to stab soemone and ‘liked the feeling’ of physically doing that and now it’s like I will randomly get a thought ‘imagine you done that anyway’ or ‘imagine you did that right now’ and then it feels like I need to imagine how it feels to do that and feels like I would actually do that or that I want to idk what to do I don’t even know what I feel anymore and it’s scary it feels like I’ve accepted being this awful thing and almost like I want to be or am one and I feel confused and then just now I remember how some bad people supposedly ‘wanted help’ and then ended up being bad and now I’m thinking what if that’s me and me writing this doesn’t mean anything because these last few days it’s literally imaginined the most gory worst thoughts you could think of and it’s felt like I like it or want that and I don’t know

context: I’m 21 attending community college. ever since spring of 2023, I’ve been pretty much failing my classes. I have dropped out of some and passed a couple. a bit of history; I used to be an A/B honor roll student. I repeated my senior year of high school to do me being at my lowest. I just kept working a lot and putting no effort into my school work. I felt much happier at work than school because of the people around me. it felt like I didn’t care about my grades at all and that I didn’t want to see anyone from my grade at graduation. fast forward, I’m trying to complete my associate’s degree. my goal initially was to graduate around this time of the year or summer. obviously, with me just failing classes again, I’m going to have to stall my graduation. for the most part, I have been paying for my classes except this recent semester which was Spring. my dad paid for it and yet I dropped out of some classes and failed the rest. I haven’t told him about it because I’m scared and just disappointed in myself that I let it happen again. now I’m working more due to it being summer and doing classes online in hopes to finish my degree sooner. I want to repay the amount my dad paid back to him because I feel so guilty. of course, it’s my fault and I understand that. I’m holding accountability for my actions. I just haven’t been the best mentally even though I’m trying to improve. it’s like one day I’m doing okay and then it falls back again. there’s not much business going on at work and new employees have been quitting. there’s one person quitting and I have been feeling the same for quite a while. I usually just try to think and say “just get through this summer” because I need the money. I feel like trying for another job is hard. but then I asked my dad yesterday if anyone at the company he works for needs people. he said that there’s plenty of positions and he can get me in. as much as I don’t like the food industry, I have experience in it & if I will make more than I do now with my current job, I might as well start there. I just hate having to deal with people. I’m not really that good at socializing. most of the time it’s just the forced “being nice & starting up conversations” to people so it’s not awkward. most of the time I’m quiet but once I open up a bit, I can talk. just not in a friend way because these are my coworkers. anyway, going back to college. I want to make enough so I can pay back that semester balance to my dad and have enough saved for a motorcycle. I haven’t taken a riding course yet, but will need to do I can see if it’s for me. I feel like riding a motorcycle will help me ease my mind. it’s like I need it. I’m desperate to just escape from here and just breathe. I have been thinking of paying for my own tuition for the fall. it’s going to cost a lot because I’m out of county and don’t make much anyway. I just feel so fucking dumb for wasting my time and money on classes that I didn’t even put effort in. I don’t know why I’m putting myself through this. I want to improve but when I try to start over again, I fall back. it’s been a constant cycle. I don’t want to fail again. I’m currently taking a class and doing the homework right now even though it’s the last day to turn it in for credit. I put myself into this because I want to work more for money yet complete my classes at the same time. my online friend told me to just take it easy and I just ignored her advice. I do understand her but I feel like I need to be catching up with people my age. I think most of them are on their last year of college or have graduated already. and yet I’m still here. struggling. I’m behind everything. my cousins that are close to my age (a bit younger) are doing well in college. they both know what to do and I’m still lost. one graduated already and the other is still in school. I feel so behind and a failure as a first generation student. so far, been failing classes, been mentally exhausted, dealing w/ self-harm, no irl local friends in 5 years and just lonely. I’ve been fighting with myself for this long. I can’t feel most things anymore. I’m just tired. and I would like friends, but as I mentioned in my previous post, I don’t know people’s true character. I don’t want bad people in my life. mini rant: I want friends my age. 20s. 19 is okay. 18 seems like pushing it but I just want someone my age or older. I want to feel where I believe I belong. I feel like an older sibling or something to those younger. nothing wrong with them but I’m just tired of being the older one I guess. I do have like 2 online friends that I talk to that are older. but they have their own lives and are busy. everyone is busy. I get that. I just feel so alone. I feel like a failure because of my performance at school. I don’t know where I’m going. I just want to find something to look forward to living life.

Hello everyone, so I just finished the movie "turtles all the way down" which is based on the book by John Green. The movie is about a 16 year old girl with OCD who tries to solve a mystery involving her love interests fathers disappearance. The movie definitely covers OCD better than what is the stereotype of just someone who is organized but in other ways it really misses the mark. First off it only covers one form of OCD in detail, contamination OCD. The main character Aza is constantly afraid of contracting a virus called C diff that she has to do compulsions like change a bandaid or eat hand sanitizer. While that might be a representation of Contamination OCD, it is not the only form of OCD out there. I felt like the movie should of covered other forms of OCD such as relationship OCD, Harm OCD and especially Pure O, but none of that was covered at all. If someone with OCD was using this movie to help a loved one understand them, it would only make them think OCD is just related to germs. Another part of the movie that really jerked me the wrong way was the pushing of medication as a cure for OCD. I was personally on many medications for OCD as a kid and only made my condition worse. The therapist in the movie literally guilt trips Aza into taking her medication to make her OCD go away. Her therapist does mention exposure response therapy but does not explain to the audience what it is. So if someone wanted to learn about ERP they would have to seek it out after the movie. Overall I'd say the movie still misses the mark in a fully accurate portrayal of OCD.

It genuinely feels like this disorder is taking away my whole life. I cant go outside and hangout with the people I love or even be around strangers because my thoughts will include them and I’ll just get really uncomfortable and anxious. It has made me distance myself from so many ppl in my life and made me have thoughts and feelings that I don’t want and that I hate making me feel like a monster and a disgusting person. Sometimes I’m genuinely so close to taking my life. It feels like there’s no hope for me at all and that I’ll be like this forever fighting my own brain till I’m old and on my death bed. I’m supposed to be enjoying my summer but I just can’t. I cant go outside, I can’t go on social media, hell I can’t do anything because there will be a child around that will trigger me into a spiral. I can’t stay all summer locked up in my room and constantly making excuses to not go out. It’s been feeling so real too like I’m really the type of person that I don’t want to be and it’s so scary.

My fiancé and I of 7 years just broke up because I am an idiot. I’m in a lot of pain. I can’t let her go. I’m just such an idiot. We’ve been long distance for awhile and she was getting ready to move in with me but not anymore bc It’s truthfully all of my fault and I did this to myself. I let my insecurities get the best of me by accusing her of cheating and I know that’s wrong and there’s no excuse for it. I know she would never do that but I just get so extremely scared and paranoid that somethings going on without my knowledge but if you met her you would know that she would never do anything like that. She truly is an angel. I’m just such an idiot. And I yell and cuss at her when I get frustrated and angry. I’m so ashamed. How could I have become such a crappy partner. I feel terrible about it and it’s all my fault. I don’t know how to communicate my emotions and I get so frustrated because I feel like I’m not being heard even when she’s listening to me. I just needed someone to talk to. That’s my reasoning for posting this. I made my bed so now I have to lay in it. I know she loves me a lot. I told her I would get therapy which I really want to but I just can’t afford it. I’m going to save up though. She said she would wait for me until I get better and work things out. I just love her so much. I can’t believe I ruined everything between us. But maybe it’s for the better. I’m not a good partner and I’ve only had a flood of intrusive thoughts that I’m going to hurt her when she moves in which I would never do but it just feels so real, it scares the shit out of me.

I decided that I'm going to allow myself to have one "bonus" compulsion, and for the rest of the day I'm going to just let it pass and eat it up. So I've just did something that bothered me. I was cycling in a narrow street and near the end of it I saw from afar a girl passing by, I didn't have a good look, I just saw her by side. But I was struck by the style and the hair color. Like she seemed my type. Then when I got a closer look I noticed that she seemed a bit smaller than what I initially saw and I started having doubts, worrying and thinking about the potential implications of myself. It bothered me. I couldn't really figure out what I saw and just decided to let the distress pass and go eat at the bar. But I couldn't bear the uncertainty and I just had to make sure. So I decided to go directly at home and along the way confirm what I saw. There was a moment where she got closer to a car and I was hoping that she would enter from the driver door but she didn't, and in that moment think I saw her face and she looked young. I feel very bad. I still don't really know, but it basically confirmed my suspicions and I think she was really young and that I had seen wrong at first because she was a bit far for me. I feel like a creep but I've tried to rationalise and letting it go. Did I do something bad? Am I a creep?