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My mental health is at its lowest and I'm sick of existing

Soemtimes something really horrific harm thought comes to my head or a scenario of something happening and it feels like I get a feeling that I like it or want that ?? I was getting a kind of hot feeling come over me like and I’m thinking is that adrenaline from fear? Is it possible to be mistaking it and thinking it’s because I like it since it’s adrenaline? I feel really confused but idk can adrenaline make you feel like you actually like these horrible thoguhts or want them ? When you don’t? I read somewhere that adrenaline and excitement can feel the same? But now I’m thinking I’m in denial since it feels real that I got an adrenaline feeling that felt like I liked that horrible thoguht/scenario and I’m in denial about it because it feels real and almost comes to me like as if I’m secretly happy inside or ‘smiling’ inside which is really weird and makes it really difficult for me to feel like I’m not bad I feel like I don’t even know what I feel anymore or I’m confusing soem feelings for other feeling or I’m evil and trying to hide it or in denial how can it feel like a genuine feeling or emotion I’ve been going through this for 2 years and feel no anxiety for the thoughts but jsut now I had a horrible scenario about stabbing someone I care about repeatedly and it felt like a movie scene and then I got that weird feeling come like adrenaline but it felt like I liked that thoguhts and I got a hot feeling like flush come over me?? And these thoguhts even come with like dialogue or facial expression of the person the thought is about in pain and it makes it seem even more real? Am I crazy? Why does it feel like this?

Hi I am scared, that i want to hurt someone (my mother or boyfriend). My thoughts are horrible. My big fear is that i am going to be a bad person or murder:(( I do not know how to stop. My therapist (she is not ocd therapist) doesn’t help me :(

Hey there! My name is Jazmin, and my first remembrance of OCD symptoms was at the age of 6. For many years I didn't know what was going on. It wasn't until 2 years ago, when I was doing some googling (which I now know is a cumpulsion) about anxiety that I came across OCD. I had never really heard of it before, but I felt as though I was reading about my whole life in that article. My subtypes have shifted throughout my life, everything from harm OCD to religious OCD that made my life an anxiety filled nightmare at times. From here I started to look into options for therapy, etc. I ended up, unfortunately, having a horrible experience. I was "diagnosed" with OCD and generalized anxiety by a mental health NP last year, but she wasn't very nice (very demeaning, pretty much treated me like a freak, told me that I had issues, called me a germaphobe, and acted like I was doing everything wrong) and didn't listen to me in regards to what I was actually going through (none of which has anything to do with a contamination subtype), so I didn't go back after that. It's taken me a whole year to recover from that encounter. It's been a struggle and the idea of trying to talk to someone about this again scared me half to death. But now I'm finally trying to get to a good place again. I went to my GP a week ago, explained to her what I was going through, and she was so amazing, understanding, and supportive. She prescribed prozac. So far things have been pretty good but not perfect, and I'm okay with that. I'm just making the next steps forward. I'm hoping that by joining the NOCD community and seeking therapy here that I can start to improve and continue to live my best life.

Hello, Since coming to terms with OCD in my life, I've thought a lot about parenting. My kids are 10 and 6; two wild boys with too much energy. One has an ADHD diagnosis and his little brother probably has ADHD too. To give you the details of my situation, I've been an at-home dad for ten years and spent nearly every day with my kids, including parenting through the pandemic. OCD has made parenting harder and influenced my behavior on a daily basis. In hindsight, I see how much I've needed to control my kid's schedules, activities, and plans. To some degree, I did this to survive the natural chaos of little kids, but my need to control has become really intense. It bothers my wife and she has to remind me to chill, particularly on days when she's home and I don't need to develop a plan for the day. Ten years as an at-home dad is a long time and this has led my need to control to become ingrained in my daily functioning. I feel stuck in this role now and don't know how to move on. I don't know how to let go because I'm obsessed with supervising their daily life and fear what will happen if I'm not around to maintain control. My mind leaps to worst case scenarios of my kids getting hit by a car in our neighborhood or getting into fights with unruly kids or experimenting with alcohol or drugs because of older kids in our neighborhood who don't have parents supervising them ever. My mind really goes off the deep end. OCD and parenting seems to have made my world smaller and I don't know how to detangle myself from this situation. When it involves the care of your children it's very hard to walk away and put your needs first. I often joke that my kids are like a tractor beam sucking my back into their wants and needs. If you are in similar situation or have experience parenting with OCD, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Please keep it constructive and kind. I already feel like shit about this because my inability to move on from this situation has caused my family to struggle financially and probably in others way too. I know it has taken a toll on my mental health, which has negatively impacted my family.

I’ve been struggling recently what if the “ what if these aren’t intrusive thoughts from ocd” because my mental health has been terrible , I’m at at ting to have suicidal thoughts and siv never been a depressed person I’m very scared of death actaully:( it’s scaring me that I’m having these thoughts and images 😕

I am very scared . My mind is sick. Someone told me that a bad thing happened to them and I keep thinking about it. I think: what if I wanted that to happen? Is this ocd? I am so scared and disgusted. How can I think like this??

Been dealing with a new type of ocd thought it’s to do with stabbing and it now feels like I like the feeling of doing that or almost as if I want to do it or that I know how it feels to physically do that and that I ‘like’ the feeling but it feels really real that I like it and almost like my emotions like it? Like as if there’s an emotion that I like it and I’m scared that it’s real that I like it but at the same time feel nothing because I’m so use to having bad thoguhts because I’ve been dealing with ocd for two years now but I literally feel nothing no anxiety noThing towards the thoguhts it just feels real that I like the feeling of doing that and I’m worried but at the same time feel like I’m not worried because it almost feels like I like it and feel a positive emotion towards that thoguht and actually want it/like it but I’m not sure if that’s a fake feeling ocd has manifested but i feel scared and alone and don’t know how to deal with this I’m just hoping I’m not a sick person I wish I could feel normal again this is so hard to deal with, also I feel like I’ve morphed some things into my thinking like I don’t know how to explain it but you know when you see in movies the evil character like evil smiling when no one is looking it feels like I’m feeling that about myself like when i get that weird emotion that feels like I like those thoughts and want them and it feels so real it feels like I’m secretly evil and I don’t want it to be true but you don’t know how real it feels I don’t know what to do I’m scared and at the same time feel nothing. I tried to tell someone I know about how I’m feeling but they jsut replied ‘oh really’ and I said what’s wrong and they said ‘you only talk to me when you have a problem with ocd’ and then I jsut felt so sad after that I don’t know how to deal with this problem I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore I don’t even know if I’m scared or if I’m lying i don’t know

Over tun last almost year I have realised I most likely have ocd, I have done so much research, which u can probably tell because I’m on here, during late night episodes and have remembered so many signs from my childhood and started noticing things in my everyday life. I have always had a feeling that something wasn’t quite right in me and I could never put a finger on it and I thought all the thoughts I got were truth and I was a serious danger, I had no idea it was ocd! Probably because of how social media portrays it. Today I have been really striving to get my mum to get me a doctors appointment to get this checked out, which I’ve found very hard to do because I’m 16 so I still mainly relay on my parents for things like getting me to the doctors. I just want to know, did the diagnosis help? And do I even have a right to say I have ocd if I don’t have a diagnosis just yet? I mean from what I know from my extensive research I most definitely do. Some examples of my symptoms are: 1. When I was little and now as well in recent months I had a serious obsession with making everything equal on my hands and it got to the point where to stop me doing this I would say “stop Alice stop” over and over to stop myself 2. I constantly have to pick up and put down things untill it feel right, this have been happening a lot recently because it’s exam season so I keep having to pick up every thing on my desk multiple times during the exam. This also first started around the age of 9 3. I’ve been getting very vivid and convincing harm thoughts since the age of about 11 and they used it scare me so much to the point when I would make my animals leave my room or I would never stop thinking about it. I was seriously convinced I was insane. I still get these thoughts but nower dayd I get alot more ROCD thoughts but I do still get harm thought during bad flare ups The list goes on and on and on I’m just wondering does it sound like I ahve ocd? Or am i just insane and trying to convince myself other wise? Please people reply I need you guys help!!!

I’ve felt like I’m in danger all day long and that something bad is about to happen to me 🙃🙃I realize this is probably just a compulsion to think about it. I ruminated and obsessed basically all day. However In therapy today I played with a food that I’m terrified that I’m allergic to! So that’s a win 😊

I struggle with Harm/Suicidal OCD. This causes me great distress and worry. Not only doubt, fear, and stress! I am trying to not take medication because my husband and I are finally expecting our first baby. I want to be the best for myself & my family that I can be. What has help everyone else? The thoughts and feelings make it feel so real that I want to commit suicide when in reality I do not & they make me think so many horrific thoughts. I want to be the person I was before that didn’t have any of these thoughts. Any recommendations for help is greatly appreciated!

I’ve been going through a weird phase where I’m not feeling much anxiety, the thoughts are still there but it feels weird not feeling anxious about them, I have harm ocd and it feels too real when the thoughts come without the anxiety, after feeling anxious almost every morning.

I've battled OCD since I was a little kid. Until a couple of years ago, I sort of learnt to live with it. The last 2 years, intrusive thoughts have ruined my life. Let's just say, everything I dont want to think about, pops into my mind. This leads to immense guilt, shame and fear I will feel like this forever. Ive done ERP, seen roughly 8 psychologists, did a 3 weeks stay as an impatient OCD program and am taking Fluoxetine daily. I know all there is to know about OCD therapy, minimising compulsions, ACT, mindfulness etc. Why cant I seem to get on top of this? I know it takes time and practice and eventually I will change the way my brain is wired. It's days like today I feel that I will never be able to forgive myself for the content of the thoughts that have resided in my mind. Sometimes I wish I could use the memory wiping device used in Men in Black, so I can forget everything Ive ever thought. I will keep fighting and hopefully one day I can use what I have learnt to help others OCD sufferers. You are all so frickin brave for getting out of bed every day knowing what awaits you. I wish nothing but happiness, peace and a clear mind to you all xxx

*big sigh* I’ve gotten in contact with a therapist for my POCD AND harm ocd. I know with ERP the therapy is just meant to assess the behavior part of OCD but they don’t really pay attention to the emotions we feel about the OCD itself. Lately I been kinda on reserve emotionally with my kids. Example, im so scared with my OCD and how to properly react with my kids that I’ve scripted a few ways to interact with them because I thought to myself “well I haven’t received the therapy yet and I do t want to react in a way I shouldn’t” so I kinda fake these scripted behaviors so that people think im still functioning normally. My POCD has scared me to my fucking core to the point that I can’t even think straight when I’m around my kid sometimes because I’m so frozen with fear and I used to enough being around her and now I almost get uncomfortable with her around because I already expect the thoughts or worse the groinals. I want to feel like her protective mama bear again but like some sicko. I’m so filled with guilt shame and hate towards myself but also I feel like I’m not working to be her mother. I want to feel happiness around my family not this high stressed and ugly feeling. I’m emotionally disconnected from my family. OCD has stolen my life from me.

i remember feeling more hopeless in the past, having lower moments, mentally, you know, in 2022 i completely lost it. and i remember being 14 in 2020 and for the first time really considering ending my life. but still every day i wake up and go to sleep in the ocd prison, i am so tired, no one understands the patterns are the same, have been the same for years and yet i don’t know how to cope. it’s so exhausting.

I think I have suffered from some forms of pure ‘o’ OCD for a while now, but I am not sure as they come and go and change with time. At the moment I cannot stop obsessing over the thought that I must be a pedophile, despite having no desire to harm children and no attraction to children. Now even the thought of the word ‘children’ or the sight of them makes me feel anxious and on edge that I will for some reason harm them or everyone will know that I am a molester even though I am not and would never want to be. I also cannot stop trying to look into the past to see if I ever behaved inappropriately around children and testing/bargaining with myself when there are children around to prove to myself that I am in fact normal. It is very hard to focus on anything, so sometimes performing weird rituals like counting to 8 and not stepping on the cracks helps to soothe me, but I have resorted to harming myself at worse moments. Also, when I was growing up, I thought I had sexuality based OCD or anxiety because I was terrified of being a lesbian. I would try and bargain and explain myself out of the idea that I could be gay, and try to find evidence that would prove to myself that I was straight. However, I have since accepted that part of myself and dismissed it as denial, but now I am experiencing similar anxiety levels with this suspected POCD. Now I am afraid that this means I am not truly queer, or even worse, that it is not POCD and I am in danger of becoming a pedophile in the future. However, when I was anxious over my sexuality I think I did on some level know that I was attracted to women, whereas I don’t have a clue where these thoughts that I would harm children have come from. However it was a while ago and I can’t stop obsessing that they are the same thing; these thoughts are extremely distressing so I don’t know what to do.

Last night my friend and I did edibles for the first time. We accidentally did too much and we both became incredibly anxious. For me it made my ocd bad I started constantly checking to see if I was aroused and I got paranoid that I was and then kept checking and it really just triggered my ocd. I was wondering if anyone else has gone through similar things? I got really bad sexual and violent intrusive thoughts.

Can anyone tell me if it’s normal for a theme to stay stuck for months. My theme is harm ocd but I’ve had this same content for months and months. I was wondering if anyone else experienced this? Also, does anyone feel like they’re always on edge like something is going to happen at any second?. I feel like my body and brain is constantly scanning for danger and throwing things at me (even random things outside of my main theme). Thank you to anyone who shares their story.

I’ve had anxiety surrounding driving for 4 years now. I don’t feel like I’ll ever move past it. I am so scared that I’ll get into an accident and hurt someone or myself, even though I know I am a safe driver. I’m not sure what to do.

Do you guys also have unwanted thoughts as affirmations/statements/invitations about horrible things? I had a voice saying "cmon we know you like that stuff" "cmon you can like it" "it's okay to like it" "why is that so wrong?" a combination of those things (but I don't remember the specific intrusive statement that bothered me and made me need to write this so I'm currently trying to recollect my memories to find it, but I think I should stop); and I don't know if it was ocd using implicitly my voice to automatically self sabotage and mess me up. Anyway it bothers me. But did it before? They appeared almost automatically that I couldn't even react or anticipate them coming to block them. I didn't see my will to block them so to know that they were unwanted, they just happened so quickly and they went away quickly. I was high on weed yesterday with my friends and they started saying very triggering stuff and I had horrible intrusive images to which my mind responded with uncomfortable intrusive thoughts that felt like invitations, but I was high so they felt a lot harder to distinguish from my own thoughts, it was all hazy and I didn't give it much attention. I was more concerned about my groin area. I don't remember that much. I'm bothered now but was I that bothered before? I don't remember being "no, stop, don't go there", only with intrusive images and triggering associations as my friend were describing triggering stuff not ill-intentioned. Since I woke up with others intrusive images that I tried to solve, I also have one triggering intrusive image stuck in my mind that I'm costantly trying to suppress.