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how can you accept the uncertainty when it's about hurting someone you love? i feel like i will never get it. it makes me feel selfish and like i don't care

I’m a horrible person I hurt a lot of people when I was 14 (currently 15) I was super sexual over text with my 3 friends I would make them uncomfy and never stop flirting making sexual jokes and just being weird even though they tell me not to or to stop and idk why I thought it was ok idk if it was for attention or because I legit thought it was normal I even got mad at them for distancing themselves from me when I was the problem.2 of them said it was ok or that they didn’t care when I apologized when I figured out how bad that was but one of them stopped talking to me and doesn’t wanna ever see me or think of me again because I scarred them. I feel so bad and it’s all my fault why was I even born honestly if I just spread trauma to people. It wasn’t just them either here was this 16 yr old I begged for pictures when I was either 14 or 13 and I kept badgering him over and over and was kinda manipulative and he sent me a fake picture just to get me to stop my best friend told me not to feel too bad about it cause he was kinda grooming her. But there was also this 17 yr old who I was messaging when I was 14 and I begged him for pictures too and he declined alot and then I said I could give him my best friends explicit butt pics and he agreed and my best friend was 15 which makes me even more sick about myself and I told the guy it was my best friends little sisters and I thought he was give me pics if I have him it cause my friend sent me her explicit butt pics to show me cause she trusted me I broke her trust and sent her pictures to him. My friend didn’t know and said she could help me get pictures from him by flirting with him and I agreed like a monster and she did it but stopped because she found it weird and I did too I think and then the guy got mad and threatened to send the pictures to her and I got scared and told my friend she said she was sick I only then realised how bad of a person I was for this and then she forgave me cause she knew I was gonna self harm. Me and the guy still talked and i stilled begged for pictures and then after I apologized for begging him for pics and he said I s@d him even though we only ever texted but that doesn’t change I was a bad person for that. So then he told me cause I kept apologizing he was manipulating me to keep me begging/repeating that behavior and said he was keeping me in a loop of mystery. And now my mind is telling me I am a child pred and I s@d people at my school and my little brother and my baby cousins and I feel so much guilt.All of these things made ne realize how horrible I was so i tried ending it all by ov3rd0s3 I tried 6 times and everyone I would messaged my other friend (the one from my old group of 3 friends) and he kept telling me to get help but I was scared of getting help cause my parents told me I would be arrested and then after I kept trying to commit he had enough and stopped talking to me saying he couldn’t do it anymore. I feel like I am a horrible monster because I am I’m disgusting and idk if I deserve to be alive with good people.

My ocd convinces me that no one else has the ocd thoughts I have. I am newly PP and had an intrusive thought about my baby that sent me into the worst panic attack imaginable. I went to OBGYN and she said “but you aren’t having thoughts about harming yourself or the baby right?” I had to lie. I obviously didn’t want the thought, it’s my biggest fear. But how can we be honest with our doctors without being locked away. I had visions of them taking my child from me or me being locked away and now I’m just spiraling. I went down the rabbit hole for sure. How do we know what intrusive thoughts we can tell our doctor/therapist??? If I can’t share what’s going on in my head, then how am I supposed to know that I am not alone 😭. I want to find a therapist on here to work with but my ocd convinces me that no one else has struggled with what I have for some reason or that my ocd is “different” and I’ll be reported. This is miserable. Can anyone else relate? It’s like it convinces you that you are the “worst case” & what If it’s not even ocd. This has kept me from getting the therapy I know I need. Hope someone can give me some insight…

idk if this is ocd compulsion or not but when am i’m having panic attack i bite myself (but sometimes just feels good) and i don’t know how to stop. it helps me feel better but ik it’s not alright. i’m scared it might leave some serious damage to my skin. what should i do?

I have been through so many themes this year, and it has been through almost every category my entire life. Now that I am super aware of OCD, it found a way around me again. I recently hit a raccoon with my car, I didn’t kill it. It ran off. Everything was fine but later on I touched my car where I hit it and then I couldn’t remember if I washed my hands or not then bam!!! Rabies OCD. I went to a doctor. They checked me out and said that I was at almost 0 risk of contracting it that way. They even told me I need to seek help for OCD, because my racing thoughts and anxiety are contributing to exaggerating diseases. Now I’m afraid of bats, I think every time I find a scratch on myself, scratch myself, or poke myself on something that automatically a bat bit me, and I’m going to die in a month of rabies. I have came to the conclusion that I could not possibly be bitten by a bat every single day and in every single situation so I know it’s OCD🙂 but it’s still pretty stressful.

My name is Ann and I'm from Jamaica and I'm a teenager , growing up my life wasn't easy but my life was decent however I wasn't really close to my family so I grew to stay by myself and stay in my room and stay on social media. growing up I didn't really have a lot of friendships and the ones I did have unfortunately ended. I always felt left out by my bigger sisters however I always wanted to be like them so my childhood was surrounded by making up scenarios in my head for example my relationship would end and I would play music and imagining myself in the middle of his school dancing and he regretted leaving. I got hurt in every relationship I've been in and I wasn't close to anyone so I ended being the person that would talk to herself and if someone upset me I would argue with them even though they weren't there and that followed up with me being an attention seeker for example I would fake faint for attention and that's how bad it became and Even after that I kept living life and kept in my emotions. Fast forward I started dating this boy and he introduced smoking to me (weed) I did it for just a couple week in which I stopped because I got high and it made me scared because it felt like my mind was racing n I didn't know what was going on and my mom said I was acting mad so I develop up a fear of even going back in that state but I didn't give that thought any attention so it went away for awhile until out of the bloom I had a panic attack n I my heart was racing n I started being scared that im going to go mad and I'm going to lose my mind and I will end up on the road and everyone will treat me horribly and it became very overwhelming n I kept crying n I couldn't sleep and this fear was there for awhile n the fear got worse when I heard someone I know was losing there mind and hearing voices so that made it worse so I guess that triggered me even more and I went to the doctor cause I thought the stomach feeling was the reason it was happening but she gave me medicine and it still didn't work so I decide to learn more and I figured out it was anxiety and then I thought it was hypochondria and now I think it's ocd, I got thoughts that I was going to stab my mom and I dont want to do that but I thought about the time when I was a kid when I chocked a kid because the kid was crying too much and I feel complete guilt even though I was a kid as well I still feel like a bad person for that and then I have thoughts that I'm going to lose control in my sleep and do something then I got derealization and I was doing fine at first because I learned that everything happens because of ocd and I just need to accept it n sit with the discomfort until this morning I woke up and I was looking just thinking until my thoughts overlaped like I thought something then I thought about what I just thought so I was confused n I got scared and I thought that what if I'm losing my mind and I started trying to think normally but I just couldn't and my mind is blank and I'm not thinking anything now I'm scared of talking because I don't want to talk and it doesn't make sense.... What is going on with me rn and do I feel like I can't think anymore? I feel like I want to commit suicide n just overdose myself bec6of how I feel

Hi all. I posted on here last night but please bear with me as this is going to be long. I really need some advice. I’m 24 years old and I’ve never had any history of severe mental health issues or violent tendencies. Minor harm ocd through out the years, and anxiety, but nothing severe. I’ve had my pup for many years at this point and never had any desire to harm her in any way - in fact, I’ve spent many nights crying into her fur at the thought that someday she won’t be with me anymore and valuing/cherishing her like my child. Then two months ago I got hit with a sore throat and triggered by a tv show on the same day. My minor harm OCD turned into severe violent images, thoughts, feelings, you name it - against my pup. When it started it was usually knives, and it always came with a feeling of “omg I would never do that!” anxiety and compulsions to make sure, etc. I started therapy, got psych evaluations, everything, all to be told it was in fact OCD. Then, it kept going and going and going - through ERP, through RP messages; nothing helped, and it came down to where we are now. I have constant, severely violent feelings and thoughts. Stuff I don’t even like to mention. I know they say don’t focus on the content, but…when the content is you cutting up your best friend or eating her, or any of the other horrific things my mind tells me to do…it’s hard not to. Constant, 24/7 “urges” or feelings staying with me that I would or want to do these things I find gross and had no desire to do. But now it makes me question that because it feels like something in me wants to. I’ll have a thought, get an “urge”, or hear a word or get triggered, and I get this sort of adrenaline drop/crushing/frozen feeling through my head and chest. It feels kind of like fear, but also at the same time like my brain is trying to fantasize about these things. Like it likes them. And I’m numb to her for the most part - I look at her and I get these weird things that she’s just body parts. That’s what I see. And why I’m getting so scared. I never cared that she had that and now it feels like I would just do something to her because of it. Whenever I’m around her, it feels like this strange aversion to her, like I can’t get close to her without seeing her insides. I get images of basically her guts. Or her heart, etc. It’s like I’m freaked out that she’s a living creature. And at the same time, the harm thoughts are so brutal that they make me cry, but I still feel like I’d do them. It also gives me weird sensations when I think about losing her like I’d want to? It’s like opposite feelings to everything I’ve ever wanted. I have no hope left that this will ever leave or I’ll get better or be able to keep my dog. The harm thoughts are SO much more violent than anything I’ve ever seen anyone describe. Is there any hope for me? Should I just give my pup to someone else? Is this typical harm ocd or am I a dangerous psycho?

I don’t know where to start and don’t want to write a really long msg. I am really in a dip. I struggle to accept I have ocd and that there’s not some real issues or something else the matter with me. Even though I relate to ocd and can see its has clearly been part of the picture in the past and despite a psychologist saying it sounded like ocd I find it hard to believe or accept. What i’m experiencing feels so real. I have persistent fears about my child being abducted and have horrible graphic images related to that. I also have a lot of anxiety in my relationship (which is challenging) plus I have other life stressors going on. I have worried my boyfriend is a paeodophile and set up cameras in my daughter’s room. I also fear he will harm or kill me. That he’s cheating on me or has done and I said this one day. My boyfriend had been out late getting drunk and I couldn’t get hold of him. I said I feared he was shagging someone out the back of the pub. At the time he was kind and loving and said not to think those things and that he wouldn’t do that and loved me. However those words obviously stayed with him and he’s since been very angry that I thought that and finds it insulting and says I obviously don’t trust him and that maybe it’s me that’s doing what I fear he’s doing. I got angry and said I’ve an anxiety disorder and he said not to raise my voice to him and he stormed off and left. That was the night before my birthday. He called the next day to say happy birthday and made no mention of him storming off and made no apology when I saw him later. He gave me flowers and presents and took me out for dinner then made comments about the age I had turned (I’m 3 years older) he says it’s just a joke and banter but I feel it’s disrespectful. Anyway my child who is with her dad wanted to say goodnight to me (she’s been not wanting to stay there which has added to my anxiety that something will happen to her - that her not wanting to stay there is a sign and she isn’t safe and that something will happen) Anyway she rang whilst my boyfriend and I were having sex (which felt a bit aggressive/violent but I didn’t speak up. He eventually said what do u want as it’s your birthday and I said to go slow which he did) Anyway we stopped having sex and I answered the call from my child. She was ok and we spoke briefly. My boyfriend was really angry and said all sorts of things about my ex having had a ex with me on my birthday in the past and what did he think we were doing and he should have told my child not to call. He said he felt like I made him look like an idiot and that he doesn’t know how long he can carry on never having time alone with me without being interrupted. He left and went to his house but not til after I’d fallen asleep. I woke up and panicked to see his car gone and thought he’d gone to harm my ex or daughter or both or that he’d gone somewhere else to have sex with someone else as we didn’t finish. It feels like I’m living in some sort of nightmare with this amount of fear and distrust going on.

Can someone please give me tips to prove my life I feel like nobody cares about me but I know everybody loves me I don't know how to explain it I just feel alone I feel like no one understands I hate going to school My friends don't care about me All my teachers are worried about me because I keep on miss so much school I just hate school so much and I want to kill myself sometimes and sometimes I think about bringing a pew pew to school and killing myself and others I don't want to I think it's my OCD but I just hate them all they don't really care about me I just hate the way I am I hate my gender and my body I just don't know what to do please someone can be tips I can't talk to my family don't think I'm crazy I can't tell anybody else this please someone help me I don't want to do it anything bad I want to go to college it's my last year and be happy but it's just so hard I don't know what to do please someone help me

And guilt and need to confess. Any tips? - it’s making me having suicidal thoughts.

Still struggling with these thoughts they're causing extreme stress. I watched a video about ocd harm thoughts on YouTube and the guy said people without ocd plan the violent acts so now the thoughts have turned into worrying I could plan something even tho it scares me to death. Just wondering if anyone else has gone through that thanks

Yesterday at night I was doing lunch for my husband and I grabbed a knife to cut something and I used to get anxiety over being around a knife and yesterday I didn’t feel nothing not even scared and I started doubting myself and I started to think okay if you were to act on your thoughts what would you feel and I couldn’t feel scared and I was like fuck and I struggle with feeling in love with him because I struggle with relationship ocd as well thinking I’m not for him or just doubting our relationship and it made me think like I didn’t love him and then today I’m just thinking and it makes me feel evil because I can’t feel anxiety over doing something to him and I don’t feel scared or anything and I’m just thinking and it makes me think like I’m enjoying it and I feel good about it or I don’t care and it makes me feel uncomfortable not being able to not feel scared

So I started therapy and my anxiety has calmed down a lot. I am starting to feel optimistic but I’m still really depressed and affected by everything that was happening before I started therapy. Basically I convinced myself I’m gonna become a Serial killer and I don’t know when or why but I just am convinced one day I’m gonna want to kill people and I’m gonna end up in jail and my family will hate me. I’m very religious and never want to hurt anyone but constantly fighting these thoughts my body gave up with having panic attacks from the thoughts that now my body just stays calm. That freaks me out even more because it makes me wonder if my brains comfortable with the thought and I’m gonna do that thing. Does anyone experience this?

Hello, I think it’s fairly obvious at the moment I am struggling with terrible harm related intrusive thoughts / harm ocd. I feel so distressed and anxious about these horrendous thoughts its to the point I’m crying out of panic or avoiding anything that may cause harm, but the thing is i have this horrible like “intrusive feeling” throughout my body that feels really strong despite my distress to the thoughts I just have this feeling of what if i snap throughout my body. I also feel whats severely effecting me is that if i did it like “What if I actually did it” “No but what if i did” “Anyone is capable of it” and then the feeling gets worse and stronger and it makes me even more anxious. I know it is Harm OCD but i feel so distressed so anxious even to the point im waking up in the middle of the night with horrid thoughts that distress me and i find it hard to sleep due to the feeling / thoughts. If anyone can relate to this I really hope you can reply, offering advice or sharing your experience because the worst part of Ocd is feeling abnormal and alone and this is what I am feeling and its hurting me so badly. I feel low , exhausted. 💕

Does anyone else get the theme of fear of going crazy or into a psychosis ? I’ve been having that fear lately and it has been the worse ever. I’ve never had these thoughts before and I don’t know what triggered them that they won’t go way. I couldn’t eat for days from how scared I was of these thoughts. I keep having intrusive thoughts like what if you’re imagining it for example I was at TJ Maxx with my mom and I was looking for her and when I saw her a thought popped into my head like “what if that’s not her and your imagining it” it was so scary that I wanted to cry. Of course apart of me knows that’s not true but the thoughts keep popping up. I’m so scared and just want to be myself again. So if anyone has gone through this theme can you please tell me what helped you. I’ve also struggled with harm ocd, suicidal ocd and a lot of health anxiety. I can’t afford therapy so if yall have any recommendations on what helped your ocd please let me know. I’m so tired and feel so helpless. I want my life back.

its been over a month and im losing hope of these thoughts ever going away. im so sick of this. every waking second im just over here thinking im a serial killer. i’ve convinced myself the only thing that would make my thoughts go away is if i act on them or end my own life. i cant keep doing this..

Having ocd can either make life difficult or painful or both depending on the theme(s). For me it’s painful. My ocd latches onto my children. I have very upsetting harm and pocd intrusive thoughts. Sometimes it’s easy to shrug them off but other times the ocd makes it seem likes it’s me thinking these things and it feels so real and it has me so depressed. I never used to see any parents posting about this but recently there have been a few. I know it’s really hard to talk about but sharing can help us all feel less alone and more supported. I’m grateful to anyone that offers support because I feel so defeated lately. 😞

*PLEASE READ* I’ve been struggling with bad harm intrusive thoughts for a couple years now. They’ll go away for a couple of months then get triggered by something and start all over again. As much as I try to tell myself that I would never act on these thoughts I have a memory from when I was little that I was going to hurt my parents in their sleep and that memory has haunted me till now. Of course I didn’t hurt them but I thought it and I feel so guilty about it today that it makes me sick to my stomach. I love my parents so much and would never want to hurt them or anybody. I just want these thoughts to go away because they don’t line up with my values of who I am. But every time I tell myself that my thoughts are not facts that memory pops up making me feel like an awful person. I feel right now as if I don’t deserve any love from anyone because of these thoughts. I’m a believer of God and I feel as if I don’t deserve his love as well and that he has given up on me. These thoughts have also turned into a new theme of being scared I’m actually crazy and going into a psychosis. I’m just so scared and just want to be normal. As much as I tell myself ocd lies to you these thoughts have really scared me and I haven’t felt like myself in days. I’ve also struggled with health anxiety and intrusive suicidal thoughts. I know seeking reassurance isn’t good but I’m so scared.

How do you go about your life when ERP therapy is so stressful. I have harm ocd and by making me watch horror movies etc . is just making it worse. I'm really worried I'm being brainwashed into being what I dont want to be . Does this mean ERP is not for me? I also have no compulsions just pure O .

How do you get back to cuddling, hugging on, and loving your babies? Please only positive things here. I used to be able to hold, love on, cuddle, hug my babies and loved it!! Now it’s so hard. I’m praying and believe God will get me through this. My babies need affection and love right now. I have seen a NOCD counselor and will possibly start again soon. What worked for you? This not only hurts us. It’s hurts our little ones, I believe!