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Is anyone in a relationship, an extremely happy one and loyal one. But you see a person and you find them attractive and you feel guilty? You feel like you’re cheating and it’s consuming your mind.

I’ve been questioning if I maybe might have… autism…. and I hate that because I feel like people are gonna look at me and say that I’m a faker or I want attention or something when it’s like… I’m horrible at reading social cues, certain fabrics really bother me or sometimes I can’t wear them (includes shirts with tags, I hate tags tbh) I have “safe” foods and it’s really hard for me try new things that don’t feel okay to try. I have these moments where if I’m in public and feel a lot of pressure or get worried I feel like everyone is looking at me and everything just kinda gets loud and overwhelming and I just want to be alone in quiet and have nobody around me and I do get really really excited at things that make me happy… sounds, colors, small things. Sometimes I fixate on a certain thing so much that it basically becomes all I’m focused on for however long and then it switches again. The one thing that really made me question though is when my best-friend (with autism) said that she also questions if I have it due to the fact that I told her that I feel like I read a book or watch a movie and I find a character I like a lot or relate to a lot and I basically become them until I find another character in the same way. Example: I watched the fault in our stars and I ended up changing my wardrobe/clothing looks to match hazels, I ate the same food they had in the movie and I picked up on her mannerisms. I also explained that I never really feel like myself I feel like I’m like… a “void” and I become what I see or what others want me to be sometimes. Like when you’re playing a video game and you’re on character select and going back and forth with the little arrows choosing between outfits or characters I feel like that. I always have my whole life. Like I’m just a body and I don’t really know “who I am”. Also sometimes when people are talking to me I have to remind myself to listen to them. Like they could be right infront of me talking and my brain is like “they’re talking we need to focus on listening to them” but I get so focused on trying to focus on listening to them that it ends up being that I don’t really fully hear what they’re saying. This has caused a lot of problems for me and I’m trying really hard to be better at social cues and listening more but it’s so hard. My boyfriend gets mad because I have to be told specifically each step of what to do sometimes. Like the other night I was frying chicken and I didn’t know really how to do everything correctly (because of the household I grew up in I was basically raised on fast food so I don’t really know how to cook a lot) so he’s telling me to turn the burner on and put the chicken in but I needed to know exactly what to put it on, how to position it, how long to wait etc. this happens a lot he’ll tell me to do something but I need it broken down into steps (he hates that). Also I have to write lists for everything. This is what my typical list for my day would look like: 10:00 AM : clean my room 10:30 AM: take a shower (Brush teeth, use *certain facial wash* Etc. And if I don’t stick to the exact times I set with everything I do it frustrates me sometimes. I’ve been called really high maintenance because of these issues and after looking into some of my favorite creators who happen to be autistic and experience the same things it’s made me start to question if I am. I don’t like questioning it though because I already feel like people think I fake my OCD and other mental health disorders I don’t want them to think I’m faking something else or just want attention but I also really want answers. I don’t know what to do and I honestly want some advice. I was never diagnosed with autism and don’t think anyone ever thought I had it as a kid. I know I was antisocial as a kid and the doctors and therapists struggled to get me to interact with other kids and they said I had early signs of depression and anxiety but that’s all I’ve ever gotten…. Does anyone here have autism or have any advice that could help in this situation? Am I a bad person for thinking I might have it? (If you read this far thank you)

hello! this is going to be a personal rant about my current struggles with OCD. specifically Cis-OCD, which is pretty much just TOCD in reverse (obsession/fear of actually being cis in denial). i'm a 21 year old trans man, i came out around 5 and a half years ago and i've been on T for 2 years and am 7 months post top surgery. since around october, i've been dealing with intrusive thoughts surrounding my gender. pre-transition, i had this theme for a few months: the "what if i've just been faking it this whole time/what if i'm not truly trans?". my family didn't understand my identity at first and questioned me a lot on it and i always felt like i had to justify/explain myself. which was pretty much fuel to the fire. no matter what, though, this identity that i hold felt like gravity. i always ended up back here because it's who i truly am and i know that deep down. years later, far after the initial obsession, in early january i began my medical transition. it was seriously the best decision i could have made for myself. my mental health reached a baseline of okay-ness that i had never experienced before. bad things that would happen to me didn't feel like they were going to consume me, i felt true, prolonged happiness for the first time in a long time. i was joyful as every change came along with the hormones, as i felt a synchronization between my body and mind that i had never experienced before. i had surgery in may 2022 and seeing my chest for the first time made me feel something indescribable and amazing. i have a video of myself taking my shirt off outside for the first time over the summer and not knowing how to express how overcome with emotion i was. from jan 2021-october 2022 my ocd was also not very severe and i could function in school and daily life a lot better than usual. then october hit, and i got the flu for the first time in around three years, and i was in bed and my body ached very badly. i was sick three times that semester. an intrusive thought came into my head, the same one from years before, the "maybe your body hurts and you feel bad because you secretly regret your transition". at first, the thoughts were easier to fight off and explain away with logic. but as i kept fighting, the thoughts kept searching for new evidence. i began to have to check my memories over and over, to examine whether or not i was happier when i was younger before i transitioned, to examine pictures of me before and after and throughout and make sure i still felt like who i am. i began having to look in the mirror for a long time and check whether i recognized my reflection as my true self, to feel my chest and facial hair repeatedly to check that i still liked the changes i had made. i read accounts of people who had transitioned and people who detransitioned and made a mental tally of how many things they said i could relate to. i started telling friends about the obsession in hopes of seeking reassurance. a lot of the thoughts were irrational in nature and took things from my past and twisted them to be "signs" that the thoughts were true. when i got reassurance i felt better for a little while but the OCD never took that as an answer. it just kept getting worse. i told my dad about it in november over the phone and he said something along the lines of "if you keep thinking it, it has to have some credibility. the thoughts are there for a reason." i flipped out and panicked really bad that night. i didn't want the thoughts to be true. i didn't think they were. i'm happy with myself. but then my dad said "well, it's obviously more distressing to be wrong about who you are than right about it" and i couldn't stop thinking about that over and over. there were times where i used tips from OCD resources i'd found online, to help me accept uncertainty. when i'd do that, i would temporarily get out of how bad it was. i would be my normal self again, for a few weeks, and i began to do the things i enjoyed again like painting and video editing. but there would always be something to trigger it and i would end up back in the cycle. on tiktok i saw a video about someone who detransitioned after like seven years being out, and the "what if" thoughts came back really quickly. i went through their whole account and needed to know all the information so i would know if i matched it (i did not but the what ifs made me even question that). as this thing got worse, the lines between what was real and what was not got blurred for me. i began not trusting anything i thought and i wasn't able to engage with the world at all. every random stimulus (TV shows, song lyrics, writing) made me twist it up to be about the obsession even though it was completely unrelated. since many of my compulsions are mental, i wouldn't even realize i was doing them. i became miserable and my brain felt like a minefield, a hellscape. constant excruciating pain. i barely made it through the fall semester and had to be hospitalized two days before christmas as i became very unsafe very fast. i thought my problem was too complex and unheard of even within the OCD world to even bother getting help. but i did anyway in a last ditch attempt before i gave up completely. i'm now out of the hospital and entering into an IOP (intensive outpatient program) treatment on monday. i'm scared that it won't work on me or that i'm deeply in denial. i feel like i have better insight now than i did when i was hospitalized but i'm constantly on the edge of going down the rabbit hole again and i need to keep myself out of it. if you got this far, thank you for reading. i'm a little scared to even talk about this on a public platform but here we are. i don't know what the purpose of this post was but i guess i just wanted to write about my journey so far

I’ve prided myself on my ability to stick to a discipline, practice in my art, and used my “struggles” with OCD in not only my lyricism; but in nearly every task that I do. I do not have trouble letting go of this productivity on a day that I decide to. But it’s how I enjoy living. I hold myself to a very high standard for productivity + efficiency. I’ve never allowed that to feel like a “burden”. I simply do the things that I need to do, and then do the things I want to do. I feel that there is a connotation to OCD that has a “negative” tone. Is it really something that you need to “cure”? Instead of something to learn to live with? Like a missing limb / a vision impairment? Do you believe I am on the right track by wanting to identify my strengths > my weaknesses? And that the best strategy is to learn to minimize how those weaknesses + compulsions affect my daily functioning? I feel like I have learned to use my “mental illness” to my advantage. I do not feel like it’s magical thinking, as belief makes reality. If I believed that I were debilitated, I would be debilitated. I believe that I am someone who has OCD. Not someone who is OCD. I find a lot of pleasure & satisfaction in engaging my healthier “compulsions”. I choose to engage in these behaviors. As a ritual > a compulsion. I feel that it adds more of a human meaning to the clinical experience that learning about + living with OCD can be. As a relaxation ritual, I will take 10-15 minutes to arrange crystals, various rocks, and other trinkets, that I have assigned personal value to. I practice mindfulness during this time. I light a few candles. I open my window. I pour a glass of water. I engage all of my sense (along with each of the 4 elements ((earth rocks, water cup, air window, fire candle))). I’ve lost several of these stones, and gained others. I aim to keep them safe for as long as possible. I have learned to cope with my emotions & obsessions by, instead of always trying to combat this OCD monster; let him out of the cage when I choose to do so. I believe that it’s important to accept that part of myself. I’ve noticed that trying to have “control” over it, only leads to it worsening in the long run. So I choose to let it out in my music, or in my art. As I understand: compulsions are the real issue with OCD. Everyone has obsessions / intrusive thoughts. But OCD’s complication is that we develop unhealthy obsessions, to cope with the distress caused by these mostly normal human feelings & behaviors. Then, we connect some greater meaning to our compulsions. Is this not just a more complex way of describing everyone? Do we not all compulsively do things? Are we as a society more riddled with OCD because of an increase in media, fast paced living, lack of control over our lives, and an ever growing + evolving world? If my compulsions are healthy & make me happy, is there as much of an issue to “solve”? Or is it more important to understand the deeper problems & trauma that I’ve been learning had started my OCD? I understand more about my fears, triggers, and specific obsessions, as I use the model of OCD to analyze them. But, it feels a bit strange to be seeing myself in this way. As if I have something wrong with me / that I need to see as “more of a problem”. I feel like a lot of well intentioned people are upset that I see it differently. That I see it as a part of my life + my way of being. If I spend time cleaning, making music, doing calisthenics, jewelry making, clothing customizing, painting, and using other mixed media mediums; is that the OCD doing it or is it me? Is having OCD & trying to “live a normal life” what causes so many people so much distress and pain? Or is it that OCD is an affliction of those who experience severe distress & pain, and it becomes an entity outside of themselves (inside of themselves)?

I have recently come out as bisexual and I am married and have a child. I have been constantly measuring how I feel around my husband and others the same sex as me. Distressing thoughts of should I be with a woman instead? I go in and out of these stressful periods. For a few months I am content and happy and then an intrusive thought about being attracted to women can send me into a spiral for a few weeks. I also analyze past relationships and feelings of attraction I've had to men and women in the past. Does anyone experience anything similar to this? What are some things that have helped you in the past? I am in therapy and on ocd meds. Thank you in advance!

I feel like I may have been emotional abusive towards my partner. I read an article about emotional abuse and I feel like I fall into some of the categories. I am hyper-critical - always trying to make sure my partner is morally okay, and judging them otherwise (it always feels like a compulsion). I am controlling- always feel an overwhelming need to check what my partner is doing, watching, following- this also feels like a compulsion and makes my partner feel micromanaged. I also invade privacy in the process of checking those things. I am also overtly jealous, I am always on edge and distrust all of my partner’s female friends/get incredibly anxious when they hang out or hug or sit close to each other. This is all so horrible, and I panic about it every once in a while and have tried to work on these behaviors in therapy but the thought that I am abusive is so scary and horrible. These behaviors feel like ocd, and i don’t mean to cause harm, i feel genuine anxiety and an urge to prevent myself from being hurt. But that doesn’t mean it’s not harmful because it truly is. I try to validate my partner feelings and recognize the harm I cause but I don’t know what to do.

sometimes i ruminate without realizing i'm even ruminating until it's too late and the thoughts have already taken hold of me. how do i fix this? i feel like i have become my disorder. i'm so lost

I can’t bear myself anymore, I can’t seem to know if it’s ROCD or if I’m falling out of love!! I love her. But that triggered something. Do i really love her as I said ? Isn’t this a lie ? Why don’t I feel anything ? And why did I feel more fear and anxiety trying to imagine myself saying it to her in real life ? My brain keeps sending solutions to me, or directing me to other problems I might have (depression, which could explain why i don’t feel excited for anything ; trauma and new healthy relationship, i don’t know how to act…) But it feels like an urge. I need to find out if I truly love her of if i don’t, it’s respect. I don’t want her to believe everything’s fine if in reality i don’t truly love her, BUT I DO CARE AND LOVE HER. It’s all nonsense but I don’t wanna quit. We’re in a long distance relationship, maybe that could play its role too.

(M, 15) Please help, I can't remember what's real anymore I've been especially fixated on my memories as of lately, trying to dig to find signs of whether or not I identify with my birth assigned gender or am transgender. but here's the catch, I *am* transgender. I'm a trans male, and got fixated on my gender identity not long ago. I've dug down so far into memories that I can't even really remember what I was searching for. I'm so lost and dazed the fuck out. I'm trying to remember if I was experiencing real dysphoria or if I just convinced myself that was the problem, and desperately trying to remember what made me question in the very first place. no matter what I do I just cannot access that damned memory and it's driving me insane I can hardly even remember what got me spiraling into *this* in the first place. All I know is that I dearly miss being a boy. I miss the joy and the euphoria, and the future, and i'm fucking heartbroken seeing it be ripped away. I try to fantasize about my future like I once did and it always gets interrupted by a forced image of myself as a woman, or misgendering, or just saying horrible transphobic things for no reason. I want so badly to be back to normal, it's gotten so real that I don't even know what I am deep down anymore. I'm scared that i'm turning into a transphobic TERF, I keep misgendering my trans friends in my head and it makes me want to pound my head on a wall until the thoughts fall out through my ears. I'm scared, I don't know if it's truly OCD anymore, the thoughts started ego-dystonic feeling but now they don't feel that way. or at least I remember them feeling ego dystonic I've also lost my attraction to men after reading another trans person's post with Cis OCD they said they were worried that they're just a butch lesbian who desperately wants to be trans and since then I've begun to feel that way more and more, and it's scaring me. was I ever attracted to men? was I faking that attraction? did I lose it? did I know what 'attraction' really means? I don't know what feelings are real anymore, can OCD feelings become so real that you actually start to feel like you *want* the worst case scenario? I hate it, I've had to stop testosterone in fear that I'm making a mistake, it makes me so upset. None of it makes sense. if I was cis why wouldn't I just start using my deadname and pronouns? what's stopping me? I text hotlines almost every day and I would have no repercussions using my deadname, I felt like I wanted to but I don't, if that makes sense. Another thing, I can't say my deadname outloud, I don't know why, but I feel like if I do something bad will happen, like i'll be more likely to be cis if I say it. I don't want to be forced out of the trans community, I love my community and I love myself as a trans boy, I feel so upset and alienated. are there any other trans people here that can help me? please, I need help, so bad. someone who knows the struggle. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore, I don't want to give up this life, I don't care if being cis would be easier, I've let go of my desire to be a cis boy, a cis anything. I'm proud to be transgender, and yet I'm scared that it's not my place to say that anymore.

I'm starting to stop believing that what I'm experiencing is OCD, the symptoms *used* to line up perfectly, but now I feel like it's just gotten to be too real to be OCD anymore. What made me believe this was OCD in the first place is the sudden switch in fixation, before my current fixation, I had POCD, I can't remember when it switched, but it just did, and I stopped worrying over being a predator. I get residual worry sometimes, but that's just from the trauma of going through that. My OCD switched from POCD to TOCD, and honestly I have to say TOCD somehow feels worse. at first it was clear that it was OCD, it all checked out. The sudden obsession, the doubting no matter which way I decided, the checking, putting on feminine clothes and even doing half of my face with makeup, and hating it, as a test. I went back and forth, day in day out, day in day out, over and over again. I found a video on Trans OCD, and it helped, a ton. so much so that I started watching it over and over again, and now it doesn't help. It started getting worse and worse as time grew on, the more I researched the both better and worse I felt. Say you had a list of 7 symptoms, if I were to fit five, but not fit two, I would disregard the other five symptoms I do fit in favor of the two I do not fit. It was, and is, a constant run around. I started seeking reassurance from my family, close friends, my therapist, and that's when it was made so much worse. they would always say the wrong thing that would get me spiraling. my memory has gotten extremely hazy, even though these events were not long ago, but I remember that I was researching constantly, re-reading the same resources and watching the same videos on OCD, as of right now, I have yet to clear my tabs, I have 24 tabs open dedicated to OCD or dedicated to a compulsion involving OCD. each of these resources having been viewed by me an incredibly frequent amount of times. Back around this time I was reacting differently to it, I guess it was either not as bad, or I wasn't aware of how far down it all goes. I would ruminate, have really bad dips, research/reread/rewatch, come back up, be confident that it was OCD, try to start ERP on my own, start doubting again, ruminating again, cycle continues. I remember the night it all got worse, I just finished chatting with a hotline, it's become a routine at this point, I felt great, I felt euphoric, like myself again, and then, feeling like I could take on the world i made the biggest mistake of my fucking life, I tried to do an *extreme* exposure to my fear, I was a fucking idiot. I watched the video, and the person's experiences resonated with me almost to the word. I wish that fucking video and that person didn't exist. I was paralyzed, and ever since I haven't been able to get that stupid fucking video out of my head, I started trying to research again, desperately, I started calling hotlines more often, I snapped and started bathing compulsively again. It only for worse from there, now, TOCD is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last I think of at night. I spend every hour of my day ruminating, landing on an answer that doesn't stick for long. It's become harder and harder to see myself as a man anymore, and that both frightens and saddens me. As time goes on the fear has started to make more and more sense and I don't truly see it as irrational anymore. People keep mentioning that you "know" deep down what you are and you know that it's OCD, but I don't. not anymore. I don't know if it's still OCD or if it was OCD in the first place. I'm physically unable to imagine myself as male anymore, my brain won't let me, it keeps budding in forcing me to imagine myself female, and even worse it feels like I like it. it feels like i've developed dysphoria and it hurts, I limit speaking because i'm afraid that if I dislike my voice it 'proves' something, I avoid mirrors, I've began to feel uncomfortable with my facial hair despite having used to love it. I can't hear my name and I hate when people say it, it starts the rumination up again and I hate that I feel suddenly uncomfortable with it. I even impulsively bought a wig that i've since thrown in my closet, too scared to even look at it. I bought it to check, but I've stopped checking, in fear that if I do it will make me more likely to be a woman. I've lost the desire to check and instead have become afraid of it and have started avoiding things that would require me to check. The worst part is that at one point I just broke, it was a particularly bad night for OCD, I broke under the pressure and accepted it, and I felt at ease, happy maybe, I can't remember all too well. I'm terrified that that moment wasn't me breaking but me coming out of denial, and now being back in denial. I've been trying to read back into memories and trying to remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and every time I come across a memory I can't remember all too well I lose my fucking mind. I can't tell if it's OCD anymore, or if it was ever, what if I faked my symptoms to convince myself I had OCD and just don't remember? I'm on medication, but I don't know if it's helping, I almost hate when i'm at peace because when I'm ruminating I at least know it still might be OCD. it's gotten to the point where I really don't even want to be at peace or happy anymore, I *want* to be in distress because at least then it still feels like it can be OCD. I don't know, nothing makes sense anymore. does this still sound like OCD or am I just fooling myself?

I feel like I'm harboring a horrible secret, or that I'm a monster, because of my OCD & I'm struggling a lot to let myself make friends and have deeper connections with others because of it. I know it's OCD, and I would never feel like other sufferers' are their fears - but when it comes to me, I just can't disconnect my intrusive thoughts with the idea that they mean something about me as a person. There's someone I'm starting to like, in a serious way I think, but it gives me so much anxiety to let him get closer to me or consider things becoming romantic in the future. And I hate it, because I know that if I didn't have OCD I'd be overjoyed with how much he seems to enjoy my presence - but I feel like a liar, like by not telling him all of my intrusive thoughts I'm hiding my "true self." I know that it's an OCD thought, and I need to not engage with it, but it's hard. I don't want people to care about me just for me to end up being the monster my OCD warns me I am. I can't afford therapy - so any responses are welcome, tips & tricks or just comfort that I can get through it. 🥲

Hi guys, I’m Ali, 23, bisexual with preferences for men. My rocd (which feels unfathomably hard to handle) has taken on a new face this time with obsessions about me not actually being bisexual but just a lesbian who’s been lying to themselves. It’s really distressing. I’m deeply confused about what’s real and what’s not and finally dipping my toe into ocd treatment after suspicion of it for 2 years is a shock to my system. I’m in love with my partner who is an incredible man but the fear is starting to overshadow my joy so something needs to change. The last time I’ve been in as a bad of an emotional rut with this was two years ago. Is anyone else really bothered about the lack of bisexual experience being documented in this particular field? There’s so much to unpack. I’m scared I’m going to lose someone who is actually good for me. I’m trying to ask for reassurance in a way that’s not gonna set me back, but damn will I ever get better?

i’m starting to believe recovery from real event isn’t possible. many peoples real events are blown out of proportion over small things they’ve done but mine is genuinely something bad and wrong and immoral that i regret deeply and would never do again and i do not know how to live with myself bc i feel like not confessing and just sitting with this is me avoiding accountability i also feel as if the person attached to my event, who i have a close relationship with, i feel as if i am manipulating him and not giving him the moral authority to decide whether or not i should be in his life bc of what i have done any advice would be great. this just feels unbearable

hi everyone..I recently self diagnosed w ROCD (doing a professional assessment this week). I’ve been reading a TON about it and using this app which is so helpful, and I’m starting to understand like, the importance of not trying to seek reassurance or whatever etc etc. the thing is, in a way, I feel like my partner simultaneously is a trigger for me (in that I am so fearful that when I see them, I might have acknowledge a “flaw” of theirs and then I spiral into guilt/anxiety/etc) but at the same time; I feel like they’re also..reassurance for me? like we’re taking space this week because of my ROCD (this is the first time we’ve experienced this from me, and it’s really hard for her) but I’ve been pretty much having intense waves of anxiety on my own too, like every day. Throughout the day, and when I wake up. I am doing my best to now just sit w the anxiety — it’s incredible physically painful and overwhelming, but I’m trying. But the thing is, I’m scared that if I feel this anxiety while next to my partner, I will act weird or overshare (a compulsion)?** But at the same time..I also feel like I miss her SO much and WANT to see her so badly, and it’s hard to tell if it’s because I simply want to see her / want to experience good moments w her (which we had so many of before ROCD onset) or if it’s bc I want to see her to like reassure myself that I DONT care about her “flaws”. But since I read we shouldn’t ever seek “reassurance”..does this mean I’m not allowed to want to be with her? Or want to see her? I genuinely love this girl so much and before ROCD onset I wanted to see her a lot anyway, but now I’m like, oh..is this bad? But then AVOIDING seeing her seems like “avoidance” which is bad too. So I’m not really sure. I just want to get back to before all this…I want to give myself permission to love her the way I do, without feeling like I’m doing something wrong in terms of “treating” my ocd. Any thoughts welcome, thank you so much for reading — ** (On a side note: for people who get waves of anxiety or spikes of ocd when they’re physically w their partner, how do you handle it? Do you just try to breathe through it but act “normal”? Or do you over share? Or take space?) Thank you all, so grateful for this community. <3

I haven’t been diagnosed but reading about SOCD changed my perspective on myself, and helped me realize my current theme struggle. I know self diagnosis can be frowned upon, but it’s just so obvious and helped me come to terms with the current theme I’m running with but that’s beside the point. I realized I was gay when I was 16. This was such a stressful event for me and triggered an at least 1.5 year shut down. When I finally came out at 19, there was a big relief but something else changed. I started to think, what if I’m actually not and I just lied to everyone and made the biggest mistake of my life? From then on until last year when I was 25, I was completely obsessed with analyzing my sexuality. I would talk out loud to myself for hours a day comparing the attractions I felt (or didn’t feel) and reassure myself I am in fact gay. I would convince myself that to be gay, I have to be attracted to pretty much any man. I would force myself to view any man who entered my life in a sexual or romantic way otherwise this can’t be true. Any time I made a friend who was a woman, I would have obsessive thoughts about “what if I’m in love with them” and fear I was lying about my sexuality to get closer to women. I would compulsively find character flaws in these women and end up ruining my friendships because it was better than the prospect that I was taking advantage of them in some way. I would constantly obsess over the “odds” of being gay and why was I “chosen”, and think I must be bi or straight. I would also fixate on the aspects of my personality, appearance, voice, mannerisms etc to appear “gayer” and this made it even worse and really made me feel like I was faking it all. I rationalized it the entire time as a case of extreme internalized homophobia. But looking back it wasn’t at all; I was afraid that I wasn’t gay, not that I wanted to be straight or bi. So what helped? I really broke down my fears and why this was bugging me so much. What was I so afraid of if I was actually bi or straight? What would happen if I had to “come out” again and how would that affect my life or others? I realized that all my trauma from it stemmed from the original event of not fully knowing myself, and feeling as though I faked who I was for 16 years. The lack of certainty was intolerable (which is why I think this is such a prevalent OCD theme). There’s no certainty for anyone in this matter. Furthermore, I already had this same event happen. My family and friends perception of me had changed already from coming out at 19, and they were still in my life. No one felt lied to or taken advantage of. If I had to “come out” again, there would be confusion amongst people around me, but ultimately I would be okay and move on. Basically, my “biggest fear” had already happened, and I was still alive and still supported, so there’s no use in fearing it Since that time, my attraction to men has felt so genuine and my brain doesn’t even look at women in a sexual or romantic way 99.9% of the time. In that area, I’m completely comfortable and anxiety free. Intrusive thoughts occasionally happen, but it’s easy to write it off. I’m not cured of OCD by any means. I’ve moved on to a different theme that’s equally debilitating. But this theme I am done with, and wanted to share in hopes that any sentiment here could start a path of recovery for anyone struggling with this theme as those six years were the most stressful of my life and I felt so alone/without support. The one thing certain about sexuality is that no one can be 100% certain, and being uncertain in this area is a universal experience, and does not suggest that you are lying or taking advantage of others just because you have some random thoughts that don’t match with how you identify yourself

my partner threatens my ocd when they get mad at me like ive been terrible so iI get it but they threaten to lick door knobs and lick toilet seats and it scares me so much i feel terror ive never felt before ive been violent when im in an episode so i feel like i can’t talk but i sob and beg for them to pls tell me what was touched so i can process and know how bad it was and they say no they won’t tell me / “if you make one more sound im going to lick my shoe” like theyve just gone it and now got in bed and they said they rlly didn’t touch anything but idk for sure so im freaking out like i am on fire im so terrified idk what to do i srsly want to kms