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I tried to get better but still have intrusive thoughts, which feel real. But I'm not more anxious than before but get a little panicked. My brain feels like "normal". Idk what to do

In past few days, it looks like I'm getting better but still have intrusive thoughts

My thoughts are getting way intense and feel real. Idk what to do

I was wondering if anyone can relate to this or has any guidance on this. I have always been weary of alcohol because I grew up with family members who were alcoholics and had family pass away from substance abuse. Additionally my dad and his family have always drank a lot the way they act when they drink always brought me anxiety. My friends have family members who are abusive and alcoholics so i’ve always been aware of the negative effects of it. I am a master’s social work and have learned all about it how harmful alcohol is for some people. I didn’t drink much before I was legal, I’m 22 now and rarely drink. I know that I never have to drink, and I don’t have much desire to because I’m on antidepressants anyway. But i feel like my anxiety gets so bad when drinking is mentioned or I have an event that is coming up where drinking will be involved. At these events I will usually at least have one drink bc I also have an extreme fear of being judged and being the only one not drinking would bring me a lot of anxiety. My girlfriend knows that I am not a fan of drinking and she says that she doesn’t really like it either because she doesn’t like the taste. But I honestly really fear that she is just sayin that and I am holding her back from having fun. She has mentioned stories before where she was drunk with friends (not even the main part of the story but just even if it’s mentioned) and it makes me feel awful, like I am the lamest girlfriend and she probably had more fun with her exes and friends. She says that she doesn’t have a desire to but her past stories kinda contradict that. I am just so scared that she will start to resent me and see me as a buzzkill. I know i have ROCD so that contributes to this. I think a lot of this stems from my OCD and need to have control. If people are drinking it scares me especially if it’s people close to me. I know logically that drinking one night doesnt mean the person i love is gonna start drinking everyday or anything. But that doesnt stop my anxiety. My girlfriend invited me to a party for her college graduation and it’s at a bar. I don’t want to hold her back from having fun if she wants to drink. I am just really worried about the anxiety I will feel. We have gone out together before and we both just shared on drink. She said that’s all she wanted but again I fear that she’s lying to make me feel better. I mentioned this to a past therapist (who I am actually going to stop working with bc she’s kinda been invalidating after I was diagnosed with OCD by another provider) and she kinda dismissed it, saying logically I know that drinking one night doesnt make someone an alcoholic. A lot of my OCD fears I have more compassion for myself for but this one is really hard for me. I just feel like it’s so stupid of me (not looking for reassurance that’s just how I feel). I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has felt like this before and if they have any tips to get over it. I do have my first appointment with a NOCD therapist after my assessment soon as well.

(sorry long post, here's backstory) 1.5 years ago I got into my first ever realationship, (I'm 18+ now) and there were extremely levels of turmoil. 2 ish years previous to this girl I was anxious about liking animals, liking children, being a rapist, or being a racist. But the thoughts weren't extremely bad and I could normally be like well ODVIOUSLY I'm not and move on for the most part. However 3 months into the relationship she said "if you like someone and don't tell me, and I found out later, I would think your raping me" (BAD PERSON AS STATED PREVIOUSLY) And ever since that moment I don't think I've been the same, all of the thoughts are much worse and in that relationship I couldn't go 30 minutes without telling her "I think I like blank" "I think blank is hot" then it transformed into not just being that but also being "for a second I think I thought u were fat" "I think I think you're ugly" because I went under the thought process of 'well I have to tell this person every thought because what if I think something that she would want to leave me for and I don't tell her' Now, I am in a new relationship and this person is the best person I could ever ask for, complete opposite of the previously mentioned person. However about 2 months ago the thoughts started again. I decided though that I couldn't get into the cycle of telling her every singlele thing because it would hurt her and not even help me. Currently I'm convinced I'm transphobic, she's trans and I am either convincing myself I see her as a man, even though I'm a lesbian so I ODVIOUSLY wouldn't date her if I did, or that I have a fetish for trans people, or that I am dating her for some other twisted reason. I refuse to bring myself to complete the cycle by telling her and being like "is this thought ok" but it's eating me up inside and I find it hard to enjoy myself, it takes up 75% of my waking thoughts

goodnight friends. if anyone relates out there please just let me know i’m not alone even for a moment. how can you just keep surviving? and going through the motions because you feel obligated to perform in society. i’m so incredibly freaking tired. i can’t take my meds because it makes me feel like i’m not strong enough on my own. i can barely function at work. i can’t even stop eating till i want to puke because it’s the only thing bringing me comfort that i can apply my senses to. i’m just shaking, can barely breathe and i can’t stop just feeling like i don’t even know. it feels like time is frozen in a way.. i’m so disconnected from reality, from people from my surroundings. my room looks like an abandoned hoarders house. i can’t bring myself to clean up. i’m so drained. what did i do to deserve feeling so insane? how is it possible that I have no idea where these feelings and delusions originated from but i have been feeling crazy since i was a toddler. I feel cursed. it sounds so stupid? there’s so many things that feel wrong that if i was a normal functioning human being it would be such a minuscule issue. why am i in so much distress and fatigue. I feel not exactly suicidal but just i can’t live in such an evil world it feels hopeless. Watching the news or seeing disgusting vile bigots on social media triggers the hell out of me. How am i supposed to live in a world where everyone let’s their hateful opinions get in the way of happiness. i’m so sensitive to negativity i feel it crushing my soul reading about all the hate outside of my room. i can’t stand it. i don’t feel at home i just want to go home.. and i don’t even know where that is. i can’t discern what’s going on at this point and i just wish i could have one last talk with people I care about and say goodbye and pass away in my sleep. I’m in so much pain emotionally and my habits and health are deteriorating my physical body inside and out. How can i calm down and just get through the day?

Does anyone else try to convince themselves they sexually assaulted someone or convince themselves someone sexually assaulted them? I feel so alone and have gotten to the point of suicidal because of these thoughts. I would love to know if anyone else feels this way. I’ve gotten a lot better with this but have not met anyone who thinks this way so it’s isolating.

Tw: trichotillomania I wanted to use this forum to talk about my recent experience with a hair removal specialist and see if anyone has has a similar experience. I have been pulling my hair out for about 30 min a day, every day, for over 15 years. About a month ago, I don't know what hit me but I finally had enough. I booked myself a consultation with a woman who specialized in laser hair removal and electrolysis. I was very nervous to do this, in fact I tried to do this 2 years ago and chickened out. The area I focus pulling on is very damaged from years of pulling. Scarring, open wounds, etc. I did not know how that would be received by a hair removal specialist. Not to mention, I had a doctor look my mom in the eye and tell her I was lying about pulling all the hair out, and it was simply razor burn. (I guess I was really good at getting it out?) So I finally get the courage to go to a hair removal specialist and don't touch the area for two days prior to the consultation in a desperate attempt to make it presentable. The day comes, and she takes a look at the area. I brought my fiancee along with me because they are my number one cheerleader. I had emailed her in advance giving her context of the situation, since it's complicated. Despite this, she really didn't know what she was in for. She didn't know what trichotillomania is. I think all people who specialize in hair removal should learn what it is, as I imagine many of their clients struggle with it, regardless if they tell them. Further, since I had very little hair in the area she asked me how I remove it. I said I pull it out, but she proceeded to ask me if I shave. I said no, all pulling for 15 years, not much grows in anymore because a lot to the follicles have sustained permanent damage. She was physically shocked and wasn't afraid to say it. Her - that must be crazy painful girl Me - haha, actually I've been doing it so long I don't feel it anymore Her - that must take so long Me - yes, it has consumed many years of my life Her - didn't your mom teach you how to appropriately remove your hair Me - awkwardly exchanges looks with my fiancee because we both know I had an emotionally abusive mother who actually taught me nothing Suffice to say, the laser she did on my wasn't what hurt, but her comments did. Worst of all, as I was checking out she stressed that, for the treatment to work, I could not pull the hair out between treatments (which I knew). She ended her statement with "you can't tweeze it, have some self control". That was the statement that hurt the most of all because I know that trichotillomania is more than just not having self control, at least it is for me. It is an addictive compulsion, something I need to feel okay, something I have done every day for more than half of my life. I wish I would have told her it wasn't that easy, but I only laughed awkwardly, paid for the session, and walked home in tears.

Hi. my name is Ally, im 18 and im in my last year of high school. i've always been in and out of therapy, but I've never been able to get to the route of the problems i have. I constantly fear talking about things like this, but here i go. -horrible thoughts of things such as rape, pedophilia, beastiality and incest popping into my head randomly (NOT URGES !!!!) and coming up in my dreams. -expecting the worst outcomes -believing that my actions control what will happen next in my life (if i dont do this specific thing, i will die or someone in my family will die) -intrusive thoughts and dreams that feel so real i believe it actually happened. i dont mean to intrude, this is a very safe space for people who suffer with OCD. i just feel i have no where else to turn. does this sound like ocd? something else? please if you can, i cant live thinking and feeling this way anymore, please help me.

so i believe in God and i’m gay. anytime i ever do anything that has to deal with me and another many or thinking of it or anything i feel like God is upset with me, something bad is going to happen; or since my thoughts have died down i think maybe my thoughts will come back or they will happen. i was wondering if this fall into religious OCD or if anyone else out there deals with this like i do?

⚠️FLASHY GIF: Louise from Bob's Burgers laughing in front of raging fire⚠️ I'd say ~90% of my OCD is obsessive thoughts and it flipping sucks because for the most part it goes like this OCD: *insert disgusting and extremely upsetting thought here* Me: Ok PLEASE I will do ANYTHING just give me an out! OCD:

I've identified as a lesbian since 2013. I was 14. That's when I had my first crush on a girl; the typical butterflies, dreams of kissing her, holding hands, being "more" than friends. It's not a strange feeling to me. After that, during these 10 years, I've only had crushes on woman aligned individuals, I've had a few, not over 10 but not less than 5. The thing is, I've never felt sexual attraction in real life, not towards guys or girls. However, I've been exposed to porn since I was 11 or so (can't exactly remember) and I've always watched straight porn. I still find it rather enjoyable. I also tend to have fantasies that involve me being in another body, having *straight* sex with a faceless and nameless person, enjoying it. I've always (even before I realized I liked girls that way) found depictions of straight sex and male genitalia arousing. This has recently caused intense distress, fear and doubt. I've been so proud of my identity, I keep telling myself I didn't fake it at 13 or 16, why do I suddendly feel like I'm faking it now? I'm in a long time relationship with an amazing girl but I'm so afraid of acting out on my "straight" urges, not "being happy enough", needing a man, cheating on her, yadda yadda it literally ruins my day and I can't function properly. All I do is mentally backtrack, obsess over the thoughts, think that I'm secretly straight. I'm typing this down because it might help momentarily. I've been playing these thoughts in my head day after day. I feel like I'm slowly losing my identity and the part of me I felt the most "me".

I want to start by that I have no proper OCD diagnosis. I've got a GAD and ADHD. I downloaded this app because I've been suffering from horrid obsessive thoughts and somewhat mild compulsions for a while now. My thoughts are mostly fixated on my partner (what if I'll cheat on her or hurt her in some other way), and on my sexuality (I used to identify as a lesbian, but I don't label myself any longer because of said thoughts; the fears and obsessions are everything from porn preferences to thinking that I haven't found the right man to thinking that I'd never be complete without a man to that I'm leading a fake life). I love my partner, oh so much, but my thoughts are trying to convince me into thinking that we're not actually queer. It's worse because I've previously felt really proud of my identity; it feels like I'm losing a core part of myself. Feels like I'm drowning in these thoughts of uncertainity every single day. I'm afraid I'll hurt my girlfriend or somebody I love and the whole queer community with how I am and how I act. Less anxiety inducing things include leaving the door open or oven on, I've caught myself going back again and again to check if it's actually closed or off, even taking pictures and still worrying excessively over it even if I have proof on my phone. I also repeat certain sentences (like "I am really thankful for another day") in my head, because I feel as if I don't do that I'm actually wasting my life and will regret it when I'm dying. Death and illness are also a severe distress of mine; I've probably diagnosed myself with twenty different terminal illnesses, got them checked out but the worry never left me. Also seemingly surreal things like getting pregnant magically or from a toilet seat for example are included in these. For compulsions, I constantly beg for validation from my partner and my family. Some other things include checking back and forth, less that, it's more of mental begging and praying. I live in a small town, and we don't have any proper mental health services (unless they're very costy which I can't afford). This is why I'm not working towards a diagnosis on OCD. I'm not even sure I have OCD, I feel as if I'm begging for attention but I feel so, so anxious and defeated by my own head I had to write this down. So sorry if I'm taking up space where I don't belong, it's just that I feel slightly better after reading these posts and this app makes me feel validated. Thank you.

for me, i ruminate like crazy. all day, every day. 24/7 my mind is reflecting, worrying, criticizing. it’s to the point where when i meet someone new and introduce myself, i am immediately in my head thinking of all the reasons they hate me and why. i’ll literally convince myself i’m a loser or a horrible person and no one likes me. it’ll send myself into anxiety or depression spirals sometimes. but it’s literally. all. in. my. head. im recently diagnosed, and i feel like my lifelong anxiety makes so much sense now. but now i’m sooooo aware of intrusive thoughts or when my ocd is spiking. it’s exhausting.

Does anyone else become nervous and upset the moment they wake up in the morning? It’s like part of me wishes I didn’t wake up or could just stay asleep. It’s scary and I’m not sure what to do in the morning when I feel like I’m trapped in bed.

Curious about a persons likes/dislikes. Lately I've been asking the same person random fact questions about themselves. And after I get an answer, my intrusive thoughts find more questions to ask about what they like. And if I don't ask them, I ruminate wondering what it is and that's what causes anxiety until I get an answer. I truly don't care not one bit about this persons likes or dislikes, but my ocd does for some weird reason. It makes me feel crazy. Anyone else deal with something like this? Or know someone who does?

I'm a nonbinary lesbian working in education and the constant news stream against LGBT teachers and discussion of LGBT topics in classrooms causes me a lot of intrusive thoughts. I worry that talking to my students about my girlfriend, celebrity crushes, and LGBT media they're interested in is somehow wrong even though I know if I were straight this would not be an issue. I know at least one of my students has unaccepting parents because they misgender them and they asked me not to use their real name & pronouns with them. If they were to have an argument and me accepting their kid was brought up I'm worried they would submit a complaint or somehow get me put on Fox News. I do things that have already gotten educators put on Fox news like asking students for names & pronouns, not outing students to parents, openly being in a gay relationship, and celebrating pride days. My rational mind knows these things are not wrong but when conservative media is constantly calling me a p3do for existing as an LGBT educator and supporting at risk students it causes a lot of POCD thoughts. I will continue to support my students because it's very important to me but I'm not sure what type of ERP I should do to address my mental state. I have to be open with my students so I can talk to them about topics like interpersonal anti-LGBT bigotry and internet safety because no one else is doing it. We did a segment at the end of a session on how to block and report any content that makes them uncomfortable on a few different social media platforms because a student voiced a complaint and I'm sure Fox News would take issue with that as well for some reason.

I’m so tired of thinking and thinking and finding new reasons to worry and new old memories to overthink and obsess about and moralize, it’s so exhausting and scary and it makes me distrust everyone around me and even myself. It’s like I everything and everyone needs to be questioned and interrogated and put into a good or bad bucket. I’m just so tired I don’t want to think anymore :( I want to turn my brain off.

I’m really struggling. I’ve had BDD as long as I can remember- most days I feel so unbelievably sad and hopeless and I’ve never known what it’s like not to feel this way. I’m constantly thinking about which people are looking at me, what lights are on and off, how I can move my hair in front of my face so people can’t see me, what clothes I’m wearing, how to lose weight or dress to look skinny, and I spend hours at a time digging bloody holes in my face just because a tiny pimple felt so excruciating to know about without getting rid of. I have acne all over my face and I feel like sobbing whenever I see myself in a mirror. I can’t have my makeup off in front of people (haven’t been able to in a decade since I was 9 years old) but I also can’t sleep with makeup on, and this makes it so I can’t travel with my family or friends or stay at people’s houses unless I have my own room and bathroom (which is obviously not the norm). I miss classes and socializing often because I feel like I can’t go outside in the light so I sit alone in the dark for days at a time. I push everyone in my life away because of it. I was hospitalized a couple of times for an eating disorder and had to spend months at a time in inpatient treatment, so I’ve tried lots of intensive therapy and outside of treatment I met weekly with a therapist for 3 years. I’m just feeling so lost, alone, and helpless. I need advice, help, something. I always wonder whether I’d just be better off not living, even though I know that decision can’t even be on the table. It sucks.

It’s been around a week and a half since i’ve started having doubts about my relationship with my girlfriend. They subside at times when I’m not ruminating but then they come back and it’s all i think about. I’m not sure if coming on here to read other peoples feelings about their partner is reassurance seeking but when i do, it makes me feel somewhat better. The thoughts I have about my girlfriend put this negative feelings in my body that I hate. I’m questioning my attraction towards her, im questioning my love for her. Last night we talked about how she feels very disconnected from me and that we used to be so intimate together and have a strong desire for each other. I agree that that’s what it was like and that was also in the more beginning stages of our relationship. I too have missed our times when we were very intimate and passionate. But lately I’ve just had no sexual desire. Last night she also said she feels like one day, im going to have a talk with her about how I want to be just friends and that sent an intrusive thought in my head that maybe I do want to be just friends. I can’t imagine not having her in my life, I know that if I let my intrusive thoughts break our relationship, it will be my biggest regret. She’s very perfect for me, she’s funny, she’s serious, she’s mature, shes so intelligent, she’s beautiful in every way and we’ve both changed each other for the better. She’s everything I wanted in a partner. We get along so well and have so many things in common but now my brain is telling me i’m losing feelings for her and out of nowhere too. I quit vaping after being addicted to it for 4 years and that’s when i started having anxiety and doubts about my feelings. part of my intrusive thoughts tell me I was only ever excited to come home to her because she had the vape and i know that’s not true but I can’t help to wonder if it is. I love her dearly, but every morning I wake up holding her with this anxiety in my head telling me I don’t love her, I’m not attracted to her, I can’t be with her, i’m only with her because of how close we are and because she won’t have a place to stay if we breakup. But i know deep down, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and she’s the most important thing in my life. My anxiety is attacking her solely because of how much I care for her and value her. I see people saying if you know breaking up will hurt them, that’s how you know you love them still but wouldn’t everyone feel bad breaking up with someone they promised everything to? I genuinely cannot imagine living my life without her, even though we’re only 19. I feel like she is my person forever, i choose her always and want nothing but the best for her. I know she just wants to love me and for me to love her but my intrusive thoughts get in the way of things she wants. I guess i’m asking how should I replenish our connection, have more intimacy, and best these intrusive thoughts?